Gah...sorry it took so long to get to this story. Anyway, my overall impressions were that this story had a workable base idea, but it was a bit confusing and not a lot happens here; about half of it seems like a recap of what’s in the Warcraft manuals and games. For the first point, I’m not really sure what happened to Gul’dan, other than from a general perspective, because the scene itself isn’t clearly described. As for the second, Gul’dan’s quest to find the Tomb of Sargeras and the events associated with that are all part of the standard Warcraft story, being as it’s part of the Warcraft II game plot and also the Warcraft III manual; I think it’s unnecessary to mention all of it again. The idea of expanding on Gul’dan’s death is a good one, I think, but I’d suggest focusing much more on that moment instead of covering the background story. Some specific comments:
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Originally Posted by MegaFlame
"Ahhhhh, I'll finally meet my endless glory........", as Gul'dan strode swiftly down the ancient halls of a ruined city site, his voice echoed through the depth of the paths ahead and beyond.
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“Ruined city site” sounds odd to me, as I think it’d be correct with just “ruined city.” “Echoed through the depth” also doesn’t seem right; I’d word it as simply “echoed down the paths ahead...” Additionally, an ellipsis is usually three periods, and this should be two sentences, with the second starting with “As Gul’dan strode...” There are a bunch of places like this in the story, so I’d check over the entire thing for them; if you need help, let me know and I’ll point the rest out.
Another general comment I have is that this story is pretty light on the description, so it’s hard to get a mental image of what’s happening. I’d suggest spending a little more time on the city, the tomb, and maybe Gul’dan, in terms of what they look like, et cetera. As this part isn’t really covered in the games, there’s no set picture of what the Tomb of Sargeras is like, so this is an instance where you’re more or less free to describe it as whatever you imagine.
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Originally Posted by MegaFlame
Yes, Gul'dan, the notorious leader of the Orcish Shadow Council, has now strayed from his mission of crushing the Lordaeron Alliances and flown off to claim a great power for himself.
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This is an example of summary that isn’t necessary, since if the reader knows anything about Warcraft, they should be able to remember this as soon as you say that Gul’dan is in the Tomb of Sargeras. I’d suggest cutting it out, as it doesn’t really add anything new to this. Also, the verb tense here shifts to the present (“has now strayed”) instead of the past (“his voice echoed” in the previous sentence.) The tense should be consistent for the narration, so I’d pick one (probably the past tense) and use that only. Finally, I’d drop “Yes” from this, since it makes the narration sound a lot more like a conversation, and that is usually not the best tone to take with third-person narration.
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Originally Posted by MegaFlame
Whatever fate of the horde he left behind, Gul'dan couldn't care less now as every step taken brought him only closer to godhood........
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That should be “Whatever the fate of the horde...” I’d suggest rewording this sentence in general, though.
Regarding the verb tense of the narration: it’s more or less a story-wide issue, so I won’t be pointing out other instances of it here. If you intend to work on this more, let me know, and I can help with that.
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Originally Posted by MegaFlame
A great power indeed, the Eye of Sargeras, a Dark Titan who lead his demonic army, know as the Burning Legion, to bring utter chaos and destruction upon countless worlds.
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That should read “known as...”
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Originally Posted by MegaFlame
Ten thousands years ago, however, the mortals of this world somehow managed to fend off the Legion and its master's onslaught by sealing off their entrance here, at the cost of the sundering of their motherland Kalimdor.....
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That should be “Ten thousand years...” and “by sealing off their entrance here” sounds as if the entrance had been at the Tomb of Sargeras, which is probably not what you meant. I’d delete that entire part, since it’s probably enough just to say that the Legion had been defeated.
More generally, this is another part that’s more or less straight out of the Blizzard materials, so you could probably drop this entire part and spend more time on Gul’dan in the tomb itself. In fact, everything down to “After what seemed like eternity” is really just a summary of the background, and isn’t necessary. I’d suggest editing out a lot of that, since anyone can get the same information out of other sources, and focus the story more on the original part.
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Originally Posted by MegaFlame
Whatever the tales tell of this Dark Titan, strangely known was his defeat in the recent years again in hands of mortal.*
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The part after “Titan” should be generally revised, I’d say, as it reads pretty awkwardly; I think I know what you meant, but the wording doesn’t sound correct in a number of instances. Something like “...it was known that he had been recently defeated, again at the hands of mortals (or a mortal)” would be clearer, though that sentence isn’t great, either. I’m also not sure why that asterisk is there...
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Originally Posted by MegaFlame
She vanquished Sargeras' seemingly invincible form and sank his remains down to the great depths of ocean, into a city that met the same fate as the world itself upon its sundering.
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That should read “...down into the great depths of the ocean,” and the possessive form of “Sargeras” should have an apostrophe and then an “s.” Having just the apostrophe is used for multiple people (that is, what you have suggests that there are multiple Sargerases.)
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Originally Posted by MegaFlame
Not that Gul'dan would care anyways.
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Again, this sounds a bit too much like conversational English to me. I’d suggest revising this to something that focuses more on Gul’dan’s actions or thoughts.
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Originally Posted by MegaFlame
He now grinned openly with his mind laden with dark fantasies, soon to become reality.......
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The first “with” should be replaced with a comma.
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Originally Posted by MegaFlame
After what seemed like eternity, the betrayer finally stood before a gate of holy energy, one he became rather familiar of over the years.
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The part after “holy energy” (which itself seems a little odd to me, since the Guardian wasn’t necessarily holy, I thought) is rather awkward; I caught your meaning, but the tense is different from the rest of the sentence, and “familiar” doesn’t take “of” as a preposition. Something like “...one with which he had become familiar over the years” would work, I think. Also, the beginning should read “...what seemed like an eternity.”
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Originally Posted by MegaFlame
Gul'dan let out a laughter with satisfaction mixed with slight uneasiness; he surely has met the moment of his life. Or has he?
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That should be “a laugh of satisfaction” in the first part. This does feel a bit unfinished, though, because it’s unclear why he feels “slight uneasiness.” For changes like this, it’s good to give the reader some idea of why they occur, because otherwise it can seem like you’re throwing in things from out of nowhere.
Additionally, I would avoid making statements such as “Or has he?” in narration, because that is definitely something that belongs to conversational English, and making the narration overly casual can result in it being much harder to take seriously. Conversations also have more to them than just the words that are said; things like the tone of voice and facial expressions say more than the literal message sometimes. Since such things aren’t present for third-person narration, using a conversational style in this case can seem incomplete.
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Originally Posted by MegaFlame
"Damn these weaklings, should've known they wouldn't last anyways."
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The comma after “weaklings” should be a semicolon. Also, “these” should be “those.”
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Originally Posted by MegaFlame
His voice cold and indifferent, Gul'dan just couldn't care less now.
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Everything after “indifferent” is unnecessary, after a sense, since the reader should be able to infer the rest of it from those first four words. I’d revise this sentence so that it focuses on a description of Gul’dan’s voice and leaves the other part unsaid.
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Originally Posted by MegaFlame
Despite the size of gate, the real issue proved to be the magic chains firmly holding it.
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The wording of the last part here seems a little incomplete to me, as “holding it” isn’t really clear alone. I assume you meant something like “holding it shut,” and if that’s the case, I’d just add in the extra word or two. Also, “issue” seems too modern for the setting to me; I’d suggest replacing it with a synonym.
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Originally Posted by MegaFlame
Believed to be unbreakable by any mortal force, the chains were crafted by the Guardian for the ever lasting burial of Sargeras.
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“Everlasting” is one word.
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Originally Posted by MegaFlame
Focusing his physical and spiritual forces together, Gul'dan muttered strange words only known to demons.
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That should be “known only,” and even that seems a bit inaccurate, unless you count Gul’dan as a demon.
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Originally Posted by MegaFlame
At first the chains proved a hard nut to crack but eventually crumbled under the immense warlock spell push.
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That should read “...crack, but they eventually...” “A hard nut to crack” is also a bit colloquial for third-person narration, for reasons I’ve stated previously; I’d suggest replacing it with a description of how it resists the spell or something. Focusing on what could actually be seen, heard, or otherwise noticed by the reader, were he or she there to watch, is usually a good idea because such phrases are often better at painting a picture than summaries such as “it was a hard nut to crack.”
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Originally Posted by MegaFlame
"Kaboooom!"
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Maybe it’s just me, but I thought this sounded rather silly, like something out of a cartoon. Given that your piece isn’t trying to be funny (at least, I don’t think it is,) I’d suggest revising this, possibly by cutting the sound out altogether.
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Originally Posted by MegaFlame
They now shattered utterly sending all shards into the far reaches of darkness.
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There should be a comma after “utterly.”
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Originally Posted by MegaFlame
Let alone his energy after the seizure of the eye, Gul'dan's power has already grown to be powerful beyond mortal perception even now.
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This sentence needs a general revision, I’d say. The first part isn’t really clear as to what it’s supposed to mean, and “powerful beyond mortal perception” sounds a bit off to me somehow.
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Originally Posted by MegaFlame
It glowed with twisting lights and darknesses, a wrongness felt as unstable and throughly corrupting.
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Those should be “darkness” and “thoroughly,” though “glowed with twisting lights and darkness” just seems contradictory to me. “A wrongness felt as unstable” read awkwardly as well, and I also wasn’t sure what the heck was happening after this point...it seems to me that you go over the end in a real hurry, and that there’s a lot that doesn’t come across to the reader.
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Originally Posted by MegaFlame
Gul'dan hovered his left palm over its mystical energies with utter joy, now it'd be the moment to absorb its essence.
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“Hovered” should be “held,” and the comma after “joy” should be a semicolon or a period. “It’d” should also be just “would,” I think.
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Originally Posted by MegaFlame
Stepping back a foot or two, Gul'dan stared anxiously to what befell the ancient artifact.
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Everything after “anxiously” doesn’t really make grammatical sense. If you intend on working on this story some more, I’d recommend trying to think up a revised version yourself, though if you’re having trouble with that, let me know and I can throw out some starting possibilities.
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Originally Posted by MegaFlame
Realizing the time was short, he no longer stood near but instead to grasp the eye in both hands, only to fail miserably as a flash of green light vaporized the tips of Gul'dan's hands.
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The first part should read “Realizing that time...,” and “he no longer stood near but instead to grasp the eye in both hands” is a bit incoherent. I’d think that it should be something like “he no longer stood still, but instead reached out to grasp the eye in both hands,” though you should probably spend a little bit just working up other ideas.
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Originally Posted by MegaFlame
Doesn't matter the stubborness of his struggle, Gul'dan now seemed vulnerable as a baby against this choatic fury.
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Those should be “stubbornness” and “chaotic.” Also, the starting “Doesn’t matter” part doesn’t make grammatical sense, and it sounds overly conversational as well. I’d suggest sitting down for a bit and trying to hammer out an alternative, if you intend to work on this some more.
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Originally Posted by MegaFlame
Not that he would've been better off anyways had he kept on fighting.
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This sentence felt unnecessary to me, as well as overly conversational.
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Originally Posted by MegaFlame
"I can't believe this is the end, I was being so close to being a god I could almost feel it!"
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The comma after end should be a period or a semicolon, and the part after that sounds a bit, well, overused...the “I could almost feel it” bit just sounds like something that’s been said time after time, to the point where it doesn’t really have much of an effect on the reader anymore. I’d try to find a different way to express this idea. Also, the first “being” here seems unnecessary and should be deleted, I think.
The focus of the story on Gul’dan’s discovery of the Tomb of Sargeras is workable, and it’s nice to see a piece focused on something that’s not really described in the game, but in all honesty, I’d say that this needs work. There’s a lot here that isn’t really necessary, and if read without those parts, there’s only a small amount of actual story material, so I’d suggest extending this a bit and building on what you have by adding details. Also, the narration’s tone and verb tense seem odd to me, and there’re some instances where the wording is awkward or grammatically incorrect; for that, I’d suggest reading some books, and once you find a few that you like, writing down some parts from those stories that seem good to you and trying to pick out the reasons why they are as engaging as they are. Once you get some ideas there, see if you can’t work them into your own writing. Good luck, and thanks for posting!
RevenantsKnight
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