The Shadow Beneath Westmarch

[Science Cryption]

Westmarch, the capital city of the land of god. As a paladin they teach you everything but the beginings of evil, details never knew a plainer wall of non-compliance. The story begins in the large villiage of Korous, where two young boys are running through the forest, fighting with fallen branches.
As the day wears on they fall into the thick golden leaves famous to lands of Westmarch. Tired and panting they share a searching look at each others dirtied faces, Remilus- the younger one asks Sephan- the older, "which way to the north?" Pointing obliviously in the direction of the sun, Sephan sighs and in the same action says "that way." As if the words were never heard, Remilus asks "and which way is my father?" Giving a knowing round house rolling of his eyes Sephan whispers, "The same." The wind picked up and began blowing the leaves over the boys, flowing over them in what seemed like fire dancing and twirling in a cyclone of color. As the wind died, the boys sprang from their newly laden tombs, running twords dricewols lake. As they breached the clearing, the smell of burning fat and smoldered skin peirced their sences, what they saw then, they would never live to remember.

[Science Cryption]

Knowing that her Son Sephan and his friend Remilus should have been back before dawn, Kamil left her knitting be and called their names from the halls observatory deck. She would wait 15 minutes then send Patriclo the family Hound to find them, using the sent of their bed spreads. The weather was typical of the season, not to cold and not to warm. The distained feeling that usually accomplanies the end of the day was hitting Kamil much harder than usual, as a shiver ran from her left leg up her spine to her shoulders she called for Patriclo. Running into the woods Patriclo disapeared with a resounding motion of speed and determination. An hour later kamil heard the panting of what sounded like patriclo outside the front door. As she opened opened it Patriclo's body feel into the opened space. A wave of Terror hit Kamil, Patriclo's lower jaw had been ripped of and his hind right leg totally torn apart, his midsection had been slashed, from the looks of the entry and exit pattern, it was most likely a spine edged cutlass. Patriclo wasn't wimpering, his royal training had turned off that part of his behavior, still he was shaking uncontrolably and blood was inching its way across the white marble floor. regaining calm she reashured herself that a wildago a gone mad and Patriclo was just in the way, And then it hit her, looseing all calm she fell to the floor. Stuck within the hounds blood stained upper jaw was a shred of sephans clothing, she knew that in the event of a persons inability to move hounds like patriclo were trained to secure a hold on the clothing of that individual and drag them home or to the nearest villiage. This of course ment that patriclo had found the boys, obviously they were not alone.

[0xDEADCAFE]

I like this. Your writing is vivid and it has a nice feel to it, though there are many spelling and grammatical mistakes for such a short piece, most of which I suspect you could easily find by proof-reading. You might also want to consider the use of paragraphs in future posts, which I look forward to.

[Science Cryption]

Remilus awoke to the sound of moving bodies, at first he didn't know where he was or why, as he turned his head to look around, he rediscovered his nightmare. Staring into nothingness Sephan hung from jagged hooks on the wall adjacent to Remilus, His right hand and part of his torso were missing. sephans left hand was in a state of permenant spasm, griping the air only to break apart the dried and crusting blood that covered his body. Wanting to escape would be Remilus's first thought, but before he could manage it he realized his problem, protruding from his midsection with freash blood still dripping, was what seemed like, from the shape and angle of it's blade anyway, a war syth. Remilus had been well trained through out his life, and he knew that a war syth is 6' and 4" long, from the angle the blade was projecting from, it occured to Remilus that he was too hanging from a wall.
He knew that certain weapons were crafted to only seperate limbs or induce pain, this weapon wasn't causing pain, it was only preventing him from moving. Since Remilus had neither the strength or means to lift himself above the horizontal edge, he exhaled deeply and tried to twist the blade downward. Even in the absence of pain the body will retract or with hold operational commands if the body is in great physical pain, and as he moved Remilus realized he wouldn't be going anywhere, even if someone where to break the syth removing the blade would cause tremendous bleeding. drained and on the verge of unconciousness, Remilus called to Sephan but as he looked in his direction Sephan was gone, as Remilus passed into darkness the last thing he saw was Sephan crawling towards him.

[Clarke667]

Like 0xDeadCafe, I'm digging this story, but I really wish you'd seperate the paragraphs. Huge unbroken blocks of text get hard on the eyes after awhile.

Anyways, good job, looking forward.

[Science Cryption]

Yea sorry about the structuring, my biggest problem in writting is the actual rules and regs of how its done right, people say im a good writer, but thats always accompanied with you need to refine your "writing skills."

Anyways im glad you two like my story, i wish more people would read it though... maybe you guys can send word?

I'm a begining writer and need all the help i can get, criticism, hints, suggestions, and so on.

Poor Patriclo, he was only doing his job.

[RevenantsKnight]

This is a little difficult to get through due to misspellings and grammar issues, but the ideas you have look good, and there are a few excellent images here. With a fair amount of editing, hopefully you’ll be able to get this across to the reader with greater ease. For some general writing advice, I’d recommend the Articles section at The Dark Library (tdl.diabloii.net); they’ve got a good one on grammatical errors and another on writing style. If you want to improve your overall writing skill, it couldn’t hurt to take a look at ‘em. Anyway, here’re some unfairly pompous and harsh comments on the first two parts:

Originally Posted by Science Cryption

Westmarch, the capital city of the land of god.

Westmarch is a geographical region and a kingdom; the capital of Westmarch is Duncraig, and Kingsport is the other major city. Also, “God” per se doesn’t really come up in Diablo; the closest thing is the Light.

Originally Posted by Science Cryption

As a paladin they teach you everything but the beginings of evil, details never knew a plainer wall of non-compliance.

Paladins don’t come from Westmarch; they’re technically Zakarumites who rebelled against the purges. Also, that should be “beginnings,” and I’m not sure what you’re trying to say here with the last clause...

Originally Posted by Science Cryption

The story begins in the large villiage of Korous, where two young boys are running through the forest, fighting with fallen branches.

That should be spelled “village.”

Originally Posted by Science Cryption

As the day wears on they fall into the thick golden leaves famous to lands of Westmarch.

The use of “As the day wears on” makes this sound like they fell into the leaves over a long period of time, i.e. it took them hours to go from standing up to prone, and this change was slight and constant. Also, “wears” and “fall” are in the present tense, and I’d suggest switching them to the past tense, which you use later in the narration. If you had planned to use the present for stylistic reasons, then switch all of the verbs in the narration to the present tense. This latter option is definitely harder, but sometimes it works rather well. Unless you’re feeling really ambitious and willing to put a lot of time into this, I wouldn’t recommend it, though.

Originally Posted by Science Cryption

Tired and panting they share a searching look at each others dirtied faces, Remilus- the younger one asks Sephan- the older, "which way to the north?"

There should be a comma after “panting,” and “others” should be “other’s” since you’re using it to indicate possession of the faces. Additionally, you don’t need to say both “the younger” and “the older” since there’re only two of them, and I’d eliminate the hyphens and replace them with commas; you’ll need additional commas after “one” and before “the older,” assuming you don’t delete one. Also, the “which” in the quote should be capitalized, since the first word in a spoken sentence is generally capitalized.

Originally Posted by Science Cryption

As if the words were never heard, Remilus asks "and which way is my father?"

Erm...”as if the words were never heard” conflicts with what Remilus says, since what he says only makes sense if he’s responding to what Sephan told him.

Originally Posted by Science Cryption

Giving a knowing round house rolling of his eyes Sephan whispers, "The same."

From this sentence back to the start of the narrative, the verbs are all in the present tense. Afterwards, they’re in the past tense. As I mentioned before, I’d pick one and stick with it. Also, there should be a comma after “eyes,” and “giving” leaves unanswered the question “giving to whom?” I’d suggest rewriting it as “With a roundhouse rolling...”

Originally Posted by Science Cryption

The wind picked up and began blowing the leaves over the boys, flowing over them in what seemed like fire dancing and twirling in a cyclone of color.

A vivid and enjoyable image.

Originally Posted by Science Cryption

As the wind died, the boys sprang from their newly laden tombs, running twords dricewols lake.

If “Dricewols” is the name of the lake, then it should be capitalized; if it isn’t, then I haven’t a clue what you meant there. Also, I think you meant “towards” at the end there.

Originally Posted by Science Cryption

As they breached the clearing, the smell of burning fat and smoldered skin peirced their sences, what they saw then, they would never live to remember.

That should be “pierced” and “senses,” and the comma after the latter should be a period or semicolon because it’s being used to connect two clauses that could be complete sentences.

Originally Posted by Science Cryption

Knowing that her Son Sephan and his friend Remilus should have been back before dawn, Kamil left her knitting be and called their names from the halls observatory deck.

This felt like it changed times on me a little too suddenly; I’m not sure when this is relative to what you last wrote about, and at any rate you may want to add a descriptive sentence or two before jumping into the action. “Son” doesn’t need to be capitalized here, and “halls” should be “hall’s.” As a rule, when you’re indicating possession, such as “hall’s observatory deck,” you should use the noun (if it’s singular) plus an apostrophe and an “s.” This changes, of course, for cases such as “my,” “your,” etc.

Originally Posted by Science Cryption

She would wait 15 minutes then send Patriclo the family Hound to find them, using the sent of their bed spreads.

“She would wait” suggests that she did this regularly; I’d recommend making this just “She waited...and then sent...” Also, “hound” doesn’t need to be capitalized, and unless the exact length of time she waited factors in later, I’d just say “a short while” so it doesn’t sound as scientific. Lastly, you need commas before and after “the family hound,” and “sent” should be “scent.”

Originally Posted by Science Cryption

The weather was typical of the season, not to cold and not to warm.

You need “too,” not “to,” in both instances here.

Originally Posted by Science Cryption

The distained feeling that usually accomplanies the end of the day was hitting Kamil much harder than usual, as a shiver ran from her left leg up her spine to her shoulders she called for Patriclo.

That should be “accompanies.”

Originally Posted by Science Cryption

Running into the woods Patriclo disapeared with a resounding motion of speed and determination.

You need a comma after “woods,” and “disappeared” has two “p”s.

Originally Posted by Science Cryption

An hour later kamil heard the panting of what sounded like patriclo outside the front door.

“Kamil” and “Patriclo” should be capitalized, since they’re proper names.

Originally Posted by Science Cryption

As she opened opened it Patriclo's body feel into the opened space.

You’ve an extra use of “opened” here, and I think “feel” should be “fell.”

Originally Posted by Science Cryption

A wave of Terror hit Kamil, Patriclo's lower jaw had been ripped of and his hind right leg totally torn apart, his midsection had been slashed, from the looks of the entry and exit pattern, it was most likely a spine edged cutlass.

This could actually be as many as three sentences; the commas after “Kamil” and “slashed” should be periods or semicolons. A general rule about comma splices, which is what these are technically called: if you’ve got a comma in a sentence, and you can make the part before and the part after two separate sentences, then you need a period or a semicolon instead. Next, that should be “ripped off” instead of “ripped of.” Also, unless Kamil’s a healer or former soldier, then I doubt she’d be able to determine the weapon that caused a wound. Either way, it couldn’t hurt for you to add in some bits about who she is. In fact, it would help if all of the characters had a little more description, because I don’t know anything really about what they’re like, what they do, etc.

Originally Posted by Science Cryption

Patriclo wasn't wimpering, his royal training had turned off that part of his behavior, still he was shaking uncontrolably and blood was inching its way across the white marble floor.

Those should be “whimpering” and “uncontrollably.” Also, “turned off” makes Patriclo sound like a robot, which makes it a little harder for me to feel sorry for him. Finally, take a look at the commas before and after “his royal training had turned off that part of his behavior”...would you suggest any changes given what I’ve said previously?

Originally Posted by Science Cryption

regaining calm she reashured herself that a wildago a gone mad and Patriclo was just in the way, And then it hit her, looseing all calm she fell to the floor.

“Regaining” should be capitalized, and “reashured” and “looesing” should be “reassured” and “losing” respectively. In terms of punctuation, you need commas after “Regaining calm,” and “all calm,” and the commas after “way” and “hit her” should be periods or semicolons. Also, did you mean “had” instead of the “a” after “wildago”?

Originally Posted by Science Cryption

Stuck within the hounds blood stained upper jaw was a shred of sephans clothing, she knew that in the event of a persons inability to move hounds like patriclo were trained to secure a hold on the clothing of that individual and drag them home or to the nearest villiage.

The comma after “clothing” should be a semicolon, and names should be capitalized. Also, “hounds,” “persons” and “Sephans” should be “hound’s,” “person’s” and “Sephan’s,” “village” has one “i” and there should be a comma after “move.”

Originally Posted by Science Cryption

This of course ment that patriclo had found the boys, obviously they were not alone.

“Ment” should be “meant,” “Patriclo” should be capitalized, and the comma after “boys” should be a period or semicolon.

I agree that you've got some good moments, and I'll read more if you've got any. Good luck with this, and thanks for posting!

[Science Cryption]

The sun had already fallen when Kamil had gathered enough strength to stand. It was by no means typical of her to be so distrought, as a former cleric of the king's council she knew that calm proceeded action. The Weapons training she recieved on her brothers request had done its job, and she knew that action was to be demanded.
Looking around as if just then realizing her situation, the floor was soaked with blood and patriclo was gone. Outside the wind cut to the bone, Kamil didn't know how the weather had so suddenly changed but she wasn't in the mood to care. staring back at the blood and about to move when a noise from the square cuaght her attention. A low moaning that can be easily described as a sick man in agony getting out of bed.
She ran to the open door and looked outside, there moving toward's the village, like a darkness overpowered by one of greater darkness, was a mass of inching bodys. "Patrico!" she yelled, after a few slip seconds she wasn't surprised to see no Patriclo coming immediatly as usual. Instead she found that her cry had only shifted the group closest to her, in her direction.
Instinctively Kamil bolted the door, holding the slit that rested level at five feet from the bottom of the door open to see outside. Knowing all to well that alone she would have little chance against such a force, she decided to somehow warn the village. Before she could turn she felt an odd wet sensation flowing from here back to the floor, turning only in reflex to find Patriclo. The muscles in here left arm (her good arm) had been ripped and rendered useless, "Run," she said aloud as if not capable of thinking such a thing.
Jarvious had been a stable boy for the StoneCreek family ( Stephan's family) for his whole life, and today was no exception. Today was sunday, and his job as always on sunday was to keep the grounds orderly.
Today however was over, and the night was his time of recluse. Through out Westmarch country boys like himself dreamed of the chance to work for current or retired heads of the crown. Jarvious had always felt a slight burning to run into the StoneCreek residence and diclare his love for Kamil, but he was a patient stable boy and dreams like that took time to organize.
As he was walking the grounds he suddenly found himself looking into the forest, tilting his head and creasing his eyed in an effert to see beyound the forest itself. Why not run in a couple of paces and run out? If he could muster that kind of courage maybe he could do the same for Kamil. His mind was made up, the first step was to physically take a step, he knew that but his legs didn't seem to be getting the same inspiring message. His nerves had always been jumpy and when he heard some one yelling to him his nerves did as expected. He jumped, and fell backwards over the dividing stone wall into the pigs traugh.
Kamil hadn't seen Jarvious but she knew he had to be around. "Jarvious! Jarvious!" Moments later she saw a horrid figure leaping from the darkness. "Oh no," she yelled "Not you too Jarvious," in a hopeless motion she fell to the floor. Only seconds later she heard Jarvious's voice "Yes Madame?" he questioned forcefully "What is your strife?" "Ohh Jarvious" she screamed rising to soon and to quick to avoid the baluster beem, she knocked herself out.
Jarvious however had heard her scream and ran with passion to the front square, where the gate to the inside was located. As Jarvious turned to corner he stopped the motion of his body, yet the force in the speed of his previous motion slid him across the gravle ground. Stopping a few paces after he stared blankly at the front gate, torn down and droves of men slowly yet assertivly marching inside. Jarvious was of no royal or distinguished blood but he knew that his duty in this situation was to aid these men. Running to the gate to join them in he was suprised to see that they werent whole men, but portions of ones.
Madness can be easyily inflicted upon people, but Jarvious had never seen such crazed drive in any of this worlds men. One seemed to notice that Jarvious was actually there, and instantly Jarvious recognized him. "Ohh Sephan, by the kings good graces stop this madness!" "Who are these men?" "Please Sephan, they will listen to you!" Out of breath and staring hopelessly at Sephan, Jarvious sat to catch his repose. He felt Sephans hand rest on his shoulder, then to his neck, as Jarvious rose his head he could not but feel like he was out of his own body. As his eyes widened and the blood from his face drained, he realized dumbly that his head was no longer apart of his body. Not enough life for terror, silence, vision dimmed and gone, and then utter nothing.
Meanwhile in the valley below, the Village of Korous rested with ease. The old men played Knights and Mercenary's, and the young ones slept with dreams of battles to come, yet unlike their games the battle ahead would have little valor to glorify. Somewhere below Arclore forest Remilus regained consiousness, he was no longer in waiting denial becuase now the only thing he could feel was pain.

[RevenantsKnight]

Hrm...Part Three is certainly a piece with an attracting, urgent feel to it. The spelling and grammar still aren’t the best, though they’re manageable and far from the worst I’ve seen. My previous general comments about things like comma splices still apply; I’ll point the ones I see out for you, and hopefully you’ll manage to phase them out over time. Here’re some more unfairly pompous and harsh suggestions...

Originally Posted by Science Cryption

Remilus awoke to the sound of moving bodies, at first he didn't know where he was or why, as he turned his head to look around, he rediscovered his nightmare.

The commas before and after “at first he didn’t know where he was or why” are comma splices. I suspect you might want everything after “at first...” to be one sentence, though, so if you do, I’d combine it in this way: “At first, he didn’t know where he was or why he was in this place, but as he turned his head...”

Originally Posted by Science Cryption

Staring into nothingness Sephan hung from jagged hooks on the wall adjacent to Remilus, His right hand and part of his torso were missing.

You need a comma after “nothingness,” and the comma after “Remilus” should be a period, if I’m reading this correctly.

Originally Posted by Science Cryption

sephans left hand was in a state of permenant spasm, griping the air only to break apart the dried and crusting blood that covered his body.

“Permenant” should be “permanent,” and “sephans” should read “Sephan’s.” Also, I think you mean “gripping,” not “griping,” as the former means “to grasp.” That is, unless you’re intentionally using a dialect-based variant...

Originally Posted by Science Cryption

Wanting to escape would be Remilus's first thought, but before he could manage it he realized his problem, protruding from his midsection with freash blood still dripping, was what seemed like, from the shape and angle of it's blade anyway, a war syth.

The first clause of this sentence sounds awkward to me, as “Remilus’s first thought would be wanting to escape,” which should produce a more or less identical idea, sounds like the thought itself wants to escape; I’d rewrite this as “Remilus’s first thought would have been a desire to escape...” Towards the end, the phrase “from the shape and angle of its blade anyway” felt too familiar; I’d recommend deleting the “anyway” because it’s basically conversational English. Also, “freash” should be “fresh,” “it’s” should be “its” here since you’re indicating possession of the blade, and “scythe” has a “c” and an “s” in it.

Originally Posted by Science Cryption

Remilus had been well trained through out his life, and he knew that a war syth is 6' and 4" long, from the angle the blade was projecting from, it occured to Remilus that he was too hanging from a wall.

The exact length of a war scythe is not a detail that really needs to be here; I’d get what you were saying with just “he knew the precise length of a war scythe...,” which wouldn’t sound as technical. And, going off on a bit of a tangent...isn’t a war scythe longer than that? Maybe my memory’s not so good, but I seem to remember Barbarians using war scythes that were taller than they were, and Barbarians aren’t exactly short...but enough of that rambling. More on topic, “occurred” has two “r”s, I think you need “him” or “his body” or something like that after “projecting from,” and there’s a comma splice after “long.” Also, I’d switch the order of the words in the phrase “was too”; there’s no grammatical reason I can think of for this, but I’ve seen it usually with “too” before the verb.

Originally Posted by Science Cryption

He knew that certain weapons were crafted to only seperate limbs or induce pain, this weapon wasn't causing pain, it was only preventing him from moving.

Uh...I don’t buy the idea that it wouldn’t hurt to have a large bladed object shoved through one’s midsection. Also, “separate” has two “a”s, and the separation of limbs from a body is lethal if untreated due to massive bleeding. Finally, there’s a comma splice after the first instance of “pain.”

Originally Posted by Science Cryption

Since Remilus had neither the strength or means to lift himself above the horizontal edge, he exhaled deeply and tried to twist the blade downward.

That should be “neither the strength nor the means...” since “nor” always follows “neither.” Also, I don’t understand what you mean by “lift himself above the horizontal edge”...if the weapon’s blade has been driven through him from front to back or vice versa, he can’t exactly lift himself upwards to clear it. Was he trying to snap the blade off the shaft? Additionally, if it’s just the scythe pinning him to the wall, it should’ve snapped a long time ago unless my idea of this boy’s weight is really off or this weapon is enchanted.

Originally Posted by Science Cryption

Even in the absence of pain the body will retract or with hold operational commands if the body is in great physical pain, and as he moved Remilus realized he wouldn't be going anywhere, even if someone where to break the syth removing the blade would cause tremendous bleeding.

This is a pretty nice use of taking a general idea and then tying it in specifically to the situation. However, some of the specifics are a little rough still; “operational commands” doesn’t sound like something out of a medieval tale, unless it’s Tom Clancy’s attempt at one, and you imply here that he’s in pain, which is contrary to what you said before. Some spelling points: “withhold” is one word, “someone where” should be “someone were,” and “scythe” is misspelled again. Finally, you need commas after the first instance of “pain” and “scythe.”

Originally Posted by Science Cryption

drained and on the verge of unconciousness, Remilus called to Sephan but as he looked in his direction Sephan was gone, as Remilus passed into darkness the last thing he saw was Sephan crawling towards him.

There’s a comma splice after “gone,” “drained” should be capitalized, “unconsciousness” has an “-sci-” pattern in the middle, and you need a comma after “darkness.”

I have to say that it’s a very good sign that I can feel drawn in to this story even with the grammatical and spelling problems. There’s room for improvement still, but it’s already got a grip on me...if the aforementioned issues disappear and the characters get expanded a little, it could really start pulling. Keep at it, and thanks for posting!

[Science Cryption]

Well i have to say thanks for the help Reven. But the truth is i don't even understand the advice your giving. Sadly im under-educated, and have limited knowledge of grammatical terms, i get confused when you say comma! sad as that is id like to learn from you. Im an independent study student and have been on and off for the past few years. you have to understand that in my school system grammer and structure play's like no part at all, it's a wonder i can write this good. Anyways i'm debating on what to write next, its not as if I'm out of ideas but I would like to make the order in which the story is told proper to its tone.

If you would be so kind as to comment on what you would like to see next, i would appriciate it. thanks :SC