Lister

[Fishy123]

Lister was one of the greatest heroes. Once. This was long ago, when even the binding of Tal Rasha was not old news. He had sworn to finish what Tal Rasha and those brave mages began. Destroy Evil once in for all. He began his journey at his hometown, Balintria. Taking up his grandfather's legendary sword, named fondly "The Grandfather" after him, he set off to find and kill Diablo.
After many long weeks of traveling and fighting, he found himself at a small group of huts in the Flayer Jungle. There he was greeted as the hero he was, for word had spread of his great deeds he had fulfilled across the land, be it saving children from wandering demons to protecting cities from hordes of undead.
He stayed at this village for a many weeks, and learned the ways and culture of these strange people. Before Lister left, he helped make a city for these loving people. He even set up magical wards around the city to protect it from attack. And then he left, assuring them that he would return to make a permanent barrier. You can still see the remains of this once great empire; Kurast.
With the knowledge he had learned from the citizens of Kurast, he found his way into the depths of hell. There he was met by the archangel Tyreal, along with his companions Izual and Hadriel. They told him the way to the Chaos Sanctuary where Diablo lay. The night before he set off to slay the Lord of Terror, Izual came to him and in a hushed whisper told him of what he must do.
"Lister, what I tell you now you must not speak of to the others. I know the secret of killing Diablo. What would you give up to kill the beast of evil once and for all?" Lister said quickly, "Anything. Nothing would be better than to see evil be flushed out of our land forever."
"Good. I shall tell you what you must do." He took out a large wand and placed it in the hero's outsretched hands. "Take this with you. Once you open up the seals, go to the middle of the sanctuary. There Diablo will be set free. Now listen carefully..." He bent over and whispered in Lister's ear the plan.
The next day (or, rather, when he awoke for there is not such a thing as day in hell) Lister marched out to find the lair. When he arrived he was met with a large force of Oblivion Knights, which he conquered with ease. "This is easy", he thought, "maybe too easy..." He battled his way through the monsters guarding their lord until he finally reached the final seal. Flicking the switch with his sword point, he watched as everything went blood red, and hideous laughter filled his ears.
Gritting his teeth, he ran out, narrowly avoiding a blast of lightning from the hands of Diablo. A fierce battle raged, going on and on for what seemed to be eternity for Lister. Finally he severed the demon lord's arm and as he howled in pain, Lister made his move. Stepping cautiously backwards, he adjusted his sword. Wiping sweat and blood from his hands , he lunged with grim determination. His sword struck true, straight through where Diablo's heart would have been, shooting out from the other side. With his last breath, Diablo chuckled. "Foolish mortal" he whispered, and started laughing. Lister narrowed his eyes. "Now die once and for all!" He screamed.
He thrust his sword deeper, pulled upwards, and yanked his sword out. The Lord of Terror's stopped laughing and went rigid. His eyes glazed over, and his body slumped forward onto Lister's shoulder. With a neat kick of the hero's foot it was dumped onto the cold hard marble of the Chaos Sanctuary. Knowing that his work was not done, he fumbled for the wand that Izual had given him. "And now for the words of binding" he said, unleashing the wand and closing his eyes.
He started to chant what Izual had told him to. "Crom na ichbar fre linsta ghoufeu...Tigfernie yondanee aun fer heranfop..." When he was done, he sighed. "My journey is complete" he said. He through down the staff with a large clang, and dropped his sword. Suddenly, everything went wrong. He heard laughter everywhere, echoing. Inside him. Heat. Unbearable. Bones. Breaking. He screamed out and crumpled to his knees.
Out of the shadows walked two figures. One was laughing maniacally, while the other walked with his head slumped as though he was shamed. Lister went cold with fear. He was shaking so hard he could hear his armor rattling against his chest. His heart went cold as he realized who these people were. The thing in front was Baal, Lord of Destruction. The other man was none other than Izual. Then suddenly Diablo raised up again, also laughing.
Baal walked up to him, still laughing with a broad smile on his face. Suddenly he lashed out, kicking Lister in the jaw sending him flying. He scrambled for his weapon but with a nod of Baal's head, it spun out of reach. Baal smiled again and started clapping. "Well done, Mr. Hero. Not only have you failed in your quest to kill my brother, you have permanently sold your soul to me." Lister looked up at Izual. Their eyes met, but Izual's forlorn face just nodded, confirming Lister's nightmare to be reality.
Shaking his head, his eyes blind with pain, Lister shouted out, not able to believe this. "No! I killed him! I binded him with the power of this wand! He grabbed the wand from the ground. Baal laughed again. "Oh, but you're wrong. That's no wand of binding. That wand is used for selling your soul. And what did you sell it for? Free! That chanting you did...oh priceless. Yes, he may be dead now, but he'll be back..." He turned to Izual. "My friend Izual here helped. I've controlled his mind with a demon. Comes in handy." He seemed to examine Lister, cocking his head quizically, putting his hand to his chin, and narrowing his eyes a little.
"Yes. I know where you shall go. You shall be my personal guard." He pointed. He snapped his fingers, and said finally "And now" he pointed a long bony finger at the broken hero, "you are mine"
"NOOOOOOOO!!!" Lister cried out. He felt as though his very soul was being shoved into a corner of his body. And then, Blackness. Baal stepped forward and said in a commanding tone, "Rise up, Lister the Tormenter! Serve me for all of eternity!"


The End

Story created by FIshy123
:cheesy:

[0xDEADCAFE]

I started reading this but had to give up after a few lines because of the lack of space between paragraphs - it was just too difficult to read. I strongly suggest that you repost this with two line breaks between paragraphs (as the forum rules suggest) if you want people to read it.

[RevenantsKnight]

Erm...this is a start, but it needs work. On the bright side of things, it’s nice to see a piece dealing with the origin of demons such as Lister, since they don’t exactly get a backstory in the hack-and-slash MF run that is Diablo II. However, there are some serious issues here; I’ll touch on these in greater detail, but in general this story doesn’t have the originality and depth needed to distinguish it from the boundaries of the game, so I don’t feel inclined to care about the characters you present, and it all follows from there. Also, please heed 0xDEADCAFE’s remark on formatting; solid blocks of text aren’t exactly conducive to a piece’s clarity, and there are points where it’s not clear who’s speaking because there aren’t any line breaks after the quotes finish. Anyway, here’re some comments on your piece; I hope you find them useful.

Originally Posted by Fishy123

Lister was one of the greatest heroes. Once. This was long ago, when even the binding of Tal Rasha was not old news. He had sworn to finish what Tal Rasha and those brave mages began.

This opening isn’t bad, since it immediately presents a fact that runs contrary to what most people would think from the game and therefore catches the reader’s attention. However, the storyteller air you begin to construct takes a hit with the phrase “was not old news,” which is overly familiar and modern for this atmosphere. I’d try to find a phrasing that sounds suitably...classical that can still get this idea across, e.g. “...before the binding of Tal Rasha had faded from memory into myth.” Next, you set forth an important fact about Lister (that he has sworn to hunt down Diablo) but you don’t explain it at all. The reader has no clue what his motives are, or even who he is at this point; without any idea of how he thinks, how he acts, what he looks like, etc., the reader is forced to use an ideal, this image of a heroic knight, instead of something human with strengths and flaws, convictions and morals. As a result, this character is more the reader’s than yours, since this image will differ notably from person to person, and therefore there’s nothing left for me to consider original. To remedy this, I’d recommend slowing this down, and taking time to fill in these blanks; write perhaps about the deciding event in Lister’s life that causes him to seek out Diablo, and try to sprinkle physical and mental descriptions of Lister into the passage.

Originally Posted by Fishy123

Destroy Evil once in for all.

That’s “once and for all,” and this phrase on the whole seems unnecessary, since anyone who’s read the Diablo II (or even Diablo, for that matter) manual will know what Tal Rasha and the Horadrim “began.”

Originally Posted by Fishy123

He began his journey at his hometown, Balintria.

This should either be elaborated on or deleted, as this fact by itself means nothing to the reader.

Originally Posted by Fishy123

After many long weeks of traveling and fighting, he found himself at a small group of huts in the Flayer Jungle.

Up until now, the many game references worked, or were at least tolerable, but there’s no real reason to use the exact name of a Diablo II area at this point in your story. I doubt that it was known as that to the locals; if it were they’d probably not emphasize that it was a proper name, and anyway it’s nowhere as helpful to the reader as a few vivid sentences of description would be. In general, keep game references to a minimum, because the point of fan fiction isn’t to describe screenshots, it is (for me) to write stories that are strong on their own and just happen to use a pre-made world as a setting.

Originally Posted by Fishy123

There he was greeted as the hero he was, for word had spread of his great deeds he had fulfilled across the land, be it saving children from wandering demons to protecting cities from hordes of undead.

This is better, in that you’re providing some detail on why he’s great, but it’s still way too general. My suggestion: focus on one or two particular events in his past where you’ll be able to show more about what Lister’s like, and the effect he has on the people he helps. That’ll make him seem much more alive, instead of like some faceless avenging force that sweeps across Sanctuary wasting random evildoers.

Originally Posted by Fishy123

He stayed at this village for a many weeks, and learned the ways and culture of these strange people.

That should be “for many weeks.” This is again better, as it’s more specific, but it’s still not specific enough to show anything really about Lister. Why did he do what he did? What’s going through his mind, both rational and emotional? Did this change him at all, or was it meaningless for him, just another good deed among hundreds? Answer these sorts of questions, and Lister will be much more of a person, which is what I believe you’re shooting for.

Originally Posted by Fishy123

With the knowledge he had learned from the citizens of Kurast, he found his way into the depths of hell.

The only knowledge that you mention he learns in Kurast concerns local culture. How did that help him enter Hell?

Originally Posted by Fishy123

There he was met by the archangel Tyreal, along with his companions Izual and Hadriel.

...Where the heck did they come from, and more importantly, why did they meet Lister? You’ve described Lister’s greatness in very vague terms, and I know nothing about his personality (he could be a perpetually drunk blasphemer intent on taking Diablo’s throne for himself, for all I know), so this appearance makes no sense. I don’t want to sound overly evil about this, but I can’t think of a single justification based solely on what you’ve written as to why three of Heaven’s big guns would suddenly meet this mortal.

Originally Posted by Fishy123

"Anything. Nothing would be better than to see evil be flushed out of our land forever."

Uh...“evil be flushed out of our land forever”? Somehow, that just doesn’t work in my mind; I’d recommend a revision such as “...to see our land forever purged of evil.”

Originally Posted by Fishy123

He took out a large wand and placed it in the hero's outsretched hands.

That should be “outstretched.”

Originally Posted by Fishy123

When he arrived he was met with a large force of Oblivion Knights, which he conquered with ease.

The trouble with this particular game reference is that it’s a lazy way to get your point across. Yes, you get an image into the reader’s mind, but it’s not your image. I’d take the time to write out your own description of these undead, making some artistic changes as needed to give the idea that he massacred Hell’s best with ease.

Originally Posted by Fishy123

He battled his way through the monsters guarding their lord until he finally reached the final seal. Flicking the switch with his sword point, he watched as everything went blood red, and hideous laughter filled his ears.

Gritting his teeth, he ran out, narrowly avoiding a blast of lightning from the hands of Diablo.

This sounds like a screenshot flipbook with a lot of holes. If you don’t step beyond the limits of the game, your stories just aren’t going to be particularly engaging, ‘cause I can fire up my paladin and make my own screenshots any time I want. Unless your story differs from this in a fairly significant manner, or has something that Diablo II by Blizzard Entertainment doesn’t have, I’d rather play the game. Let your imagination run a little wild when you write scenes like these, and then step back and edit from there. You just might find that your works start to differ from the game, and still follow your plot.

Originally Posted by Fishy123

A fierce battle raged, going on and on for what seemed to be eternity for Lister.

The second “for” there should be “to.”

Originally Posted by Fishy123

Finally he severed the demon lord's arm and as he howled in pain, Lister made his move.

The second “he” is ambiguous; I’d replace it with “the beast” or something else like that.

Originally Posted by Fishy123

Wiping sweat and blood from his hands , he lunged with grim determination.

There’s an extra space after “hands.”

Originally Posted by Fishy123

"Foolish mortal" he whispered, and started laughing.

You need a comma after “mortal,” inside the quotes.

Originally Posted by Fishy123

"Now die once and for all!" He screamed.

“He” isn’t capitalized, unless you meant that he said “Now die once and for all!” and then screamed something else.

Originally Posted by Fishy123

The Lord of Terror's stopped laughing and went rigid.

That should be “Terror,” not the possessive form.

Originally Posted by Fishy123

"And now for the words of binding" he said, unleashing the wand and closing his eyes.

You need a comma after “binding,” inside the quotes.

Originally Posted by Fishy123

"My journey is complete" he said.

You need a comma after “complete,” inside the quotes. See a trend?

Originally Posted by Fishy123

He through down the staff with a large clang, and dropped his sword.

I think you mean “threw,” and there’s a distinct difference between a wand and a staff. Which is it?

Originally Posted by Fishy123

He was shaking so hard he could hear his armor rattling against his chest.

A good detail. I’d try to add in more such bits if you can.

Originally Posted by Fishy123

Then suddenly Diablo raised up again, also laughing.

That should be either “rose up” or “raised himself up”; take your pick.

Originally Posted by Fishy123

Baal walked up to him, still laughing with a broad smile on his face. Suddenly he lashed out, kicking Lister in the jaw sending him flying.

You need commas after “laughing” and “jaw.”

Originally Posted by Fishy123

"No! I killed him! I binded him with the power of this wand!

You’re missing a quotation mark at the end of this, and that should be “bound,” not “binded.”

(con’t.)

[RevenantsKnight]

...And here’s the rest of it.

Originally Posted by Fishy123

He seemed to examine Lister, cocking his head quizically, putting his hand to his chin, and narrowing his eyes a little.

That should be “quizzically.”

Originally Posted by Fishy123

He snapped his fingers, and said finally "And now" he pointed a long bony finger at the broken hero, "you are mine"

This needs another revision. I’d advise deleting everything before the first quotation. You also need a comma after “now” and a period after “mine,” both inside the quotes.

In summary, this overall idea of Lister being a human warrior tricked into selling his allegiance to the Three is a good one, but the execution here needs work. I’d advise trying to move it as far away from game setpieces like the Chaos Sanctuary, and come up with a few places that are entirely yours. The same goes for the characters; Lister needs to be something more than the bland “fallen angel” ideal. Finally, there are a lot of grammatical and spelling cleanups to do. If you can knock these down, though, you may well end up with a good story indeed. Good luck with your revisions, and thanks for posting!

[RebirthOfMak]

Nice Job!

Mak~