The Quest of Siran

[Painshifter]

"No!" I cried as I raced toward the hilltop. Flames and smoke flew high into the air as I urged my stead on, sweat pouring down my face and soaking my shirt. When I reached the house I jumped off the horse and kicked my way into my home, thoughts of my family foremost on my mind. However, as I entered I realized something was wrong. Instead of my house, there was nothing but blackness all around me. Flames cackled from the torch in my hand, giving a faint circle of light for me to see.

Wait, I thought. This is not right. Where am I?

I heard footsteps coming towards me from behind. Spinning around, I turned and tried to see who was behind me. I dropped the torch and put my hand to my mouth in abject horror. The face I had seen was not a man's. Tight, seemingly burned skin covered his face. He had no nose; instead, he had two slits in the middle of his face. Horns jutted out from his forehead and curved back like a rams. His mouth was like a shark's; sharp, triangular teeth grinning at me. And the eyes. The eyes had been unholy things, blood red with an evil presence that had been felt even with only a brief glance at them; it felt as if they wanted to draw you into a dark abyss that you would never escape. As the torch fell, I realized that the eyes were glowing bright in the darkness. And with the dim light I could see the demon open his mouth wide, and I screamed.

I woke up with sweat streaming down my face. Grabbing my sword that had been by my side for nearly two years, I looked around and realized there was nothing. I was still in the forest, my campfire beside me crackling as it died out. Gasping for breath, I slowly calmed down. Dreams had haunted me every night for the last two years, ever since my family had been killed. The only constant was the demon within them. It was he who had murdered my family. Though it had been years and I had thought of it thousands upon thousands of time, the memory still brought me pain. The house in flames. My family's charred bodies crucified outside my house. And the demon. His burned, charred flesh. His body rippling with muscles and his three-fingered, claw-like hands. I had charged him then, blind rage filling me and drowning out all reason. He had laughed, and then merely disappeared, leaving me wondering if indeed he was real.

No, I thought. He is real, and he will pay.

It was this thought that had kept me going over the years, traveling from town to town, following myths and rumors, most turning up false. Though I had slain several demons, none of them had been the one that I sought. I worked whatever job I could find, most often becoming a mercenary or bodyguard for whomever had been willing to pay. I had gained some interesting items along the way. The silver chainmail I wore was supposedly enchanted, gaining me more protection than normal and was lighter in weight to boot. Also, my sword was enchanted as well, constantly sharp and proving to do some magical damage as well, creating a wider area of attack and infecting the skin that it cut, causing it to bubble up and turn rotten.

A rustling in the leaves tore me out of my thoughts. I heard another sound, this time coming from the opposite side. I stood up, slowly drawing my sword, its steel beside me giving me comfort. I heard low moans coming from all around me, growing louder until as I watched the zombies stumble out of the forest. Several times on my trip I had been attacked by undead and things that I had never seen before. None had gone down without a fight, though I was becoming quite skilled at dispatching whatever came across my path. I quickly counted four zombies surrounding me, their tattered clothes, and short swords all matching, as if they were a party that had died together. Undead have never been known for their cunning, and the chances of the four coming upon me at the same time from four different directions did not feel right. Surely something was guiding them?

I shook myself from my thoughts and rushed the zombie nearest me, giving them no time to surround me and cut off any escape. As I neared another moan escaped his lips and he raised his sword to attack me. Taking advantage of the slow reactions of the undead, I slid on the wet grass to get behind him, my chainmail rough against my back. Forcing myself up as quickly as I could, I swung my sword at his back and decapitated the zombie in one quick blow.

In the few seconds this had taken place, the others had turned and were coming at me as one. They had come together, and this would not be as easy a victory as the other one. Backing towards the trees, I waited just inside them for the undead to come to me, counting on their stupidity to save me. As they entered the trees I quickly jabbed straight with my sword, which I then moved to block the swing of one of the creatures, the other two unable to reach me thanks to the trees. As I parried that blow I cut up with my sword and drove the blade deep into his chest, thankful for their lack of armor. As my opponent again tried to connect with his sword I ducked below his swing and tore my sword out, cutting off his arm. His arm and sword fell to the ground.

However, I was forced to dive backwards to dodge the swing of another undead, who had finally come within reach. I landed on my back and turned it into a roll, coming up in a guarded position. The undead still with their swords came at me as one. I put my back to a tree and, as they swung at me, I rolled behind the safety of the tree.

As I heard both of the blades bite deep into the tree I stepped aside and swung my sword in a horizontal strike that cut deep into the neck of the first undead, sending him into his second death. As he fell to the ground the third brought his sword out from the tree and swung to decapitate me. I blocked the blow with my sword and kicked hard into his knee, breaking the rotting bones. As he collapsed to the ground I brought my sword back and plunged it deep into his eye before ripping it out. As he struggled weakly, more in death spasms than anything, I brought up my boot and crushed his neck, finally causing the foul creature to stop moving.

I began to walk back towards my camp feeling energized, the adrenaline flowing fresh through my veins. However, as I neared the edge of the forest to the clearing of my camp, I remembered the zombie that whose arm I had cut off. Looking about, I could not see him, nor could I hear his stumbling steps. I began to grow nervous and cautiously made my way out of the forest to my camp. As I came closer, something felt wrong, like something was missing. Then it hit me. The body. The body of the first zombie I had killed. It was gone. A chill went down my spine. Turning around, I marched back into the forest. Looking around the fight scene, I could not find any trace of the zombies I had dueled with. Fear crept into my throat, tightening it up. Perhaps it was a dream. But no, I felt the cold wind on my face, the sword in my hand, the sweat still pouring down my face. Was I going mad?

Xcric watched Siran's battle through the eyes of his spy. Siran was proving to be a strong and capable fighter, as any descendant of Backus should be. Still, he was better than Xcric had first believed, though he was not proving resilient to the mind games Xcric was playing with him. Oh well, all the better.

Keep him confused and off-balance, and I can direct him wherever I will, thought Xcric.

Xcric brought his attention back to his prey. Siran had packed up his gear and appeared to be heading off for his next adventure, the disappearing undead appearing to have shaken him up a bit; time to unfold the next part of his plan. Xcric closed his eyes and sent a thought.

Eckir, it is time.

At this Xcric's spy began to move towards the clearing. Eckir was one of Xcric's human puppets, able to pass among other human and go where the demon could not. Not only one of the demon's most trusted servants, Eckir was also a good fighter. However, from his thoughts the demon discovered Eckir believed Siran to at least be his equal in swordplay. But he was unafraid, for he had the demon to watch over him.

As Xcric watched, Eckir began walking through the trees towards Siran. As he emerged, Siran looked up and stared as he approached the clearing. Siran dropped his pack and stopped, not making any threatening moves but ready for a fight.


************

As I watched, a man walked across the clearing towards me. Though I did not believe he had come to kill me, I put my hand on the hilt of my sword just in case. I took in everything I could about the man; he did not seem to be with any army of group of mercenaries that I knew. He had simple silver platemail without a helmet and with no emblem or anything else to speak of visible. A sword that I estimated to be three feet long hung at his side while his long brown hair swayed in the wind. His face was plain with no distinguishing features or marks.

"Siran of Westmarch!" the stranger called out.

Confused, I called out, "That would be me. Who might you be?" I could not remember ever seeing him before; how did he know me?

"I am Eckir, and I know what it is that you seek."

"And what might that be?" I called out. He had gained my attention, but I was still very cautious.

"You seek the demon Xcric in hopes of vengeance, and I can help you."

"How do you know this?" I asked, hope shooting through me like a fire. Still, something did not feel right. A complete stranger finding me and knowing my past as well as my ambition.

"I have been following you for quite some time. I heard tales of your accomplishments as a demon hunter and the ultimate prize that you seek. I, too, am a demon hunter, and can be of value to you at your side."

"And what could you possibly do to aid my quest?" I asked.

"I can lead you to Xcric and grant you the chance you seek. Knowing that, can you refuse my offer?"

My heart momentarily stopped. This... this was too good to be true. This single thought had driven me for two years, and now that an opportunity presented itself, how could I refuse not to accept? At the same time, my senses screamed at me that something was amiss.

"If you are a demon hunter and know where this demon is, why have you not already killed him?" I asked.

"I have attempted. However, he has a formidable force guarding him, and I was unable to get to him before I was forced to retreat. Alone, I was unable to kill him; alone, I was unable to gain victory. Together, however, we might have the strength to destroy Xcric."

It was possible. Many times demon hunters had been forced to act together to kill something too powerful to defeat alone. Still...

"Perhaps then, if he is as powerful as you say, we should gather a larger party than just the two of us," I stated. Though it was entirely possible he was leading me into a trap, perhaps if there were enough of us we could defeat whatever he brought up. If he refused I might be forced to continue on my own.

"My thoughts exactly. I have a group of five working with me right now, and know of two or three others in Kurast who would be willing to join us. Do you know of any others who would be willing to join our quest?"

"Indeed I do," came my reply. "However, it could take several weeks or perhaps months to gather them all."

"I am in no hurry," Eckir told me. "The more we have, the better. It is unlikely that the demon will move. We have a watch on his whereabouts, so even if he does, we will know."

I considered my options carefully. This kind of opportunity might never come up again, and with the addition of other demon hunters, we had a chance to succeed. And able to bring in the pack of friends I had, I doubted that even if Eckir tried to pull something that he would get away with it alive. I had made my decision.

"Ok, then let us begin."


*************

Xcric laughed within his lair. Things were working out much better then he could have hoped. Eckir was bringing Siran straight where he needed to be, and now the demon was provided with an opportunity to destroy more humans who had dedicated themselves to the killing his kind. If this plan was pulled off, the Burning Hells could have a much greater presence in the mortal realm, and with that finally begin to gain the edge over Heaven. As long as Heaven did not interfere in the demon's current affairs...

Xcric shrugged off the thought. Angels rarely interfered directly anyway, so you rarely knew if they were interfering at all until it was too late. Nothing left to do but go ahead with his plans. With that, the demon watched Eckir and Siran, and plotted.

The warning cry of the sentry awoke me in the middle of the night. Grabbing my sword, I opened the flap of my tent and stepped outside. Our little group of demon hunters had grown in the three months since Eckir and I had first met; Eckir's original group of six had ballooned to twenty three, consisting of eleven fighters, seven archers, and five mages. Every one of them now came alive and mobilized to take care of whatever threat the sentry had discovered. We saw him running into the camp, but could not make out what had caused him to awaken the whole group. Coming into battle formation, the eleven swordsmen took up the vanguard, myself and Eckir taking center. Our archers came in directly behind us, their "leader," Meir, getting them ready. Meir was generally good humored, and always had a good story or joke to tell. Get him into battle, however, and he became a no-nonsense warmonger.

The mages took up on the wings, Furex taking up the left and Mantiya taking up the right. Mantiya was our only Necromancer, but she was a very good one. She had been trained practically since birth in the ways of the followers of Rathma, and knew many advanced spells and was as tough as anyone I had ever met. She always seemed to be removed from the rest of us, and I had not spoken to her much on our travels; as such I did not know much about her. She was clothed in her trademark black cloak, and was practically invisible against the night.

If I did not know much about Mantiya, then I knew nothing about Furex. He had proven himself many times in our battles the last few months, but aside from our introduction, I had not spoken to him at all. Still, I knew he was a powerful mage, and I felt we were prepared for anything. What I saw next made me reconsider our current invincibility.

Coming across the field to us, numbering at least thirty strong, were some of the most disgusting creatures I had ever seen. Their build reminded me of a minotaur's, hooves in place of feet, at least seven feet tall, broad and muscular. They even had horns like a minotaur’s. However, any resemblance to that proud race ended there. Instead of fur, it looked as if they had been skinned and left alive, muscles and bones showing; they either had an invisible layer of skin or, more likely, they were kept alive by some demonic magic. They had hands like a man's, which held one of the largest weapons I had ever seen. Every one of them had a great axe, which was at least five feet long and completely made of steel. Their faces, however, reminded me of the demon I saw every night while I slept; same shark-like mouth, same lack of nose, same evil, glowing eyes. It was a force that could destroy any ordinary group of adventurers. We were no ordinary group.

From behind me I heard the archers loose their arrows. Normally seven arrows would not have much effect on beasts such as this. Like our group, the arrows were not normal either. As I watched, three of the seven arrows burst into flame. When the first two hit, they both buried deep inside the chests of the demons. As the arrows struck, they caught the beasts on fire. However, neither of them slowed their pace or had any visible signs of agony. I cursed under my breath, realizing that, while the flames would eventually damage their bodies enough so that they would not move, as long as they could fight they were more of a threat on fire then not. The rest of the arrows, however, had much more of an impact. The first one to strike caught a demon in the leg. As I watched, frost flew out in all directions, covering the beast. Its steady pace slowed to a crawl, dropping it behind the pack. The next arrow to hit must have been aimed by heaven itself, because it buried itself into a beast’s eye. Though that alone may not have killed it, lightning surged from the arrow, frying the creature’s brain and killing it instantly. The next two arrows were also of the lightning type, burying into a leg and an arm, sending surges of electricity throughout the creatures bodies, dropping both of them.

The last and final arrow was the most devastating. As I watched, the third flaming arrow landed upon the chest of the demon, exploding into a great ball of flame. The beast that had taken the shot flew backwards, its skin charred and burning with a gaping hole in its chest. When it fell, it did not rise again. The exploding arrow had done even more damage to the group. Those that were closest suffered from the blast, burning their flesh and, in one case, knocking a beast to the ground. Though it rose up again, it was critically wounded and swayed as though drunk, moving slower than the frozen demon. Despite all this, they had still only killed five and froze one. Drawing our swords, the vanguard braced ourselves for a fight. I eyed the flaming beasts warily, wondering what I would have to do to slay them while avoiding burning myself alive. The archers must have been thinking of them, because the next volley was aimed squarely at those two. Three arrows struck one and four struck the other. All of them had been freezing arrows, and frost erupted all over the creature, putting out the fire and, in the case of one, dropped the creature where it stood. Six had now been killed, but we were not done with our attacks.

Twin columns of flame erupted in the ranks of the beats. The demons tried to run away, but those nearest were quickly devoured by the fire elementals. Cries of inhuman rage emanated from the beasts. The hands of several beasts began to glow a fiery red. Magic shot forth, hammering into the fire. The flames exploded, leaving small, smoking craters in their place. The demons nearest the explosion were thrown hundreds of feet away from the battle, their forms charred and black, even more disfigured then they had been before.

The demons turned on us, rage controlling them, oblivious to what was happening around them. A wall of bone appeared in front of us, blocking the demons from our view. We did not need to see to know what happened though; the thud of the bodies against the wall would have been comical under any other circumstances. From behind the wall one of them howled in rage. It was quiet for a moment more, and then the wall exploded. Several of the beasts were glowing with magical power; however, before they could do any more, a combination of spells and arrows struck the mages in their ranks, killing them off before they could do more.

Before they charged us, mounds of stone and earth erupted in the midst of their pack. One of the mages had called forth two golems; their lives would be short lived, however. Before they could even twitch, the demons had kicked, hacked, and slashed them to pieces, and the ground that had momentarily turned against the demons once again fell back in its place.

The golems had served a useful purpose though; they had distracted the band of demons. As they had played with the golems, our vanguard had moved forward and engaged their front lines. Before the middle of the pack had turned on us, a combination of spells and the skills of our swordsman had destroyed their front lines. By a quick estimate I guessed there were fourteen of the beasts left; perfect odds, almost one for each of us.

As I finished my thought my opponent appeared before me. The archers had drawn their swords and were rushing to join what little of the battle remained. The mages did the same, and it appeared the battle would be over in a few moments.

But suddenly, before I could even engage my opponent, the ground opened beneath me and I was falling. I opened my mouth to scream, but it never escaped my lips. I barely felt the ground come to meet me, and then there was blackness

I awoke in a dark cavern, a blue glow all around me. Sensing people in front of me, I tried to sit up to see.

A great pain shot through me, and I fell back to the ground. A moan escaped my lips; at this sound, the circle of people stirred, getting up and moving towards me. As they turned, I saw the faces of my companions. The light came from the mages hands.

"I thought he was dead," whispered one.

"Evidently he's alive," replied another. "Hurry and heal him, before something else happens to us."

Furex stood over me, and as I watched, the glow of his hands changed from blue to white; as they light touched me, the pain ebbed away until I felt like new. Standing up, I began to question them about what had happened.

"None of us know," answered Meir. "Apparently, the ground just broke away under us as we were about to fight the demonic minotaurs, and we all fell to this cavern. After we hit, we awoke one by one, Furex being the first to come around. As we regained consciousness, he healed each of us. Since then, we've just been sitting around waiting to see who could brought to life."

"What of the cave?" I asked.

"Nothing special about it; it's nothing more then a giant dome. There are two tunnels leading out of here," he said, pointing to the left and to the right. "We have not yet explored them, choosing instead to wait and see who was left alive."

"Is there any chance that there are more alive?"

"Almost none. Most of the bodies were pretty smashed up. There are only two others with a chance, and their bodies are in pretty bad shape."

Looking around, I made a quick check of our group's health. Of our original twenty-three, there were now fourteen left. Eckir, Meir, Furex, Mantiya, and I had all survived, along with the other three mages, four other swordsmen, and two of the archers.

Sighing, I said, "If there is no chance of anyone else surviving, then we really need to move out, or at least explore some. We can't stay here forever."

Immediate conflict broke out; some agreed with me, while others wanted to stay.

"We waited for Siran, why should we not wait for the others to come around?"

"He's right though. We can't stay here forever. We have to move sometime; might as well be sooner, rather then later."

Voices grew louder, and some began threatening each other. Gripping my head, I tried to think. Everyone's shouting was giving me a headache. The sides had broken up into two groups, Eckir leading those wanting to leave, and Meir leading those who wanted to stay. This was not right; we shouldn't be fighting. We needed to stick together. If everyone would just shut up...

I looked up and saw Eckir draw his weapon. The others began to do the same, and I could feel the thirst of each for the other's blood.

A shout from Furex caused everyone to jump. As the light from his spell faded away, my headache cleared, allowing me to think again.

"What was that?" I asked.

"Something cast a spell on us," he answered. "Whatever it was caused us to almost kill each other. Something here is not friendly."

My mind immediately crossed to the demon. I shivered at the thought. That we would be in his midst, with half of our group and not even know it...

I crushed that as quickly as I could. Regardless of who was here, we needed to worry about our current situation. I tried to think of what was best to do. As I did, I noticed Eckir walking off.

"I, for one, am going to see what I can find. We can not gain anything by staying here, but if we leave we may at least find something," stated Eckir.

We watched him go, and one by one we followed suit. He had made a point. I just hoped that we were ready for whatever may be ahead...


*********

Within his throne room, Xcric laughed. The demon's spell had done its job. He had almost gotten the group to kill each other, not even requiring work from him. Pity that they had that Furex with them. He would prove troublesome. However, in the area of magic, Xcric still believed he rained supreme. Besides, Eckir still lived. He could mislead them and fool them, and the demon had his entire army down here. Everything was going to plan.

*********

Furex led the group through the dark tunnels, the soft blue glow of his hands barely beating back the darkness. Eckir and I walked on either side of him, swords drawn, ready for whatever might come up. Behind us walked Meir and the other archer, followed by the other mages and remaining swordsmen. The tunnels had been a giant maze, and several times we had come to a dead end and found the skeletal remains of past adventurers. We had no choice but to press on, and we kept a careful eye out for anything that appeared suspicious. However, we had not run into whatever had killed the past adventurers, and I began to think that either it had moved on or perhaps had finally been killed by another party. Still, it was better to be safe than sorry, and I never let my guard down.

Furex held up a hand, and our party halted immediately. Squinting ahead, I could make out large double doors with strange symbols on it. They looked vaguely familiar, but I could not quite place them.

"Furex," I whispered. "Do you know what those are?"

He shook his head. "No. They look familiar, and I could swear I've seen something like them before, but I can not tell specifically what they are."

"Eckir?"

"Same with me," he answered. "Something is wrong."

A chill went down my spine. Eckir was right. Still, we had no choice.

"I say we go on. There is nothing to go back for," I stated.

The others nodded in agreement. It seemed it was unanimous. Loud creaks and groans sounded as we pushed open the great doors. Cautiously, we stepped inside. Once in, the blue glow of Furex's hands illuminated a small area, enough to see that we walked down a path between two columns of pillars. The columns of stone pillars kept going straight down on either side of us. We crept forward, weapons at the ready.

All of a sudden, light erupted around us. Flames cackled and grew on top of the pillars, throwing blinding light into the previously dark area. Shielding my eyes, it took a moment for me to recover from the sudden burst of light. What I saw next made me recoil in fear.

Before me sat the most terrifying army I had ever seen. Easily numbering over one hundred strong, the demonic army consisted of a very wide variety of creatures. Undead stood read at the front, loose tatters of clothing hanging on their rotting flesh and bones. Behind them stood what looked like lizard-men, with the small fact that their flesh was blood red and horns grew from their skulls. Here and there I saw some of the demonic minotaurs that we had fought before coming here, as well as other creatures that I had never seen before. A creature with a pigs head, human body, and leathery wings stared back at me. However, the most terrifying creature of them all sat atop a throne behind this massive army. The cause of my nightmares and the bane of my existence, Xcric looked down on me. He looked exactly as he had in my nightmare; same black, charred skin, same muscular frame, same three-fingered hands, same curved horns, same shark's teeth, but worst of all were the eyes. Those eyes that had haunted me for years, trying to suck out my very soul for its own devilish purposes. Anger attempted to bubble up inside me, but it was a tiny, mute thing compared to the fear I felt. But I knew the job I had to do. I had to have vengeance. I had to rid the world of this demon. The group seemed to read my mind, and as one we stepped toward the army of Xcric.

As we marched towards certain death, I braced myself for the wave of terror that would accompany this last act. It never came. Instead, a different feeling altogether had washed over me. I felt, alive. More alive than I ever had before, as if marching against Xcric was the most important thing I had ever done in my life, as if this was what I had been meant to do all along. No matter what happened next, I knew that I had done my part in life. Even with the army of Xcric looming before us, outnumbering us ten to one, we all moved forward without fear. With company such as Eckir and Furex, Mantiya and Meir, I could not ask for better allies in the fight against evil, and I could feel the confidence flowing from my group.

We had almost made it to the demons before everything fell apart. Just as the front was raising its swords against the demons, fire exploded next to me. However, the fire had not come from the demons. A fireball had buried itself into the back of Mitex, shot from the fingers of Amy, the resident fire sorceress. I spun around and faced her. I was momentarily stunned at what she had done, and before I could react she launched a fireball at me. Luckily, Furex had enough of his senses to do something about it. The fireball stopped in mid-air, slamming into a wall of invisible force. Chaos erupted all around me, as another swordsmen and mage turned on us.

“Eckir, we have traitors!” I cried, dropping into a defensive stance.

“Indeed, we do,” he replied, his voice low.

With that, he turned and thrust his sword at me. I was unable to bring my sword up in time, and his magically enhanced blade cut through my armor, piercing my arm. Pain shot through me, causing me to lose my balance. I stumbled backwards, towards the army of Xcric. Instead of meeting claws and fangs, however, I hit a wall of ice; one of the mages had managed to cut Xcric off from us, at least temporarily.

Reflexively, I ducked and rolled to the side; Eckir’s blade bit deep into the ice where I had been but moments before. Magical energies flared around him, and he pulled his sword from the ice with ease. Blackness coiled around him, and he began a slow march towards me. I scrambled to my feet and tried to bring my sword up. Fire shot through my arm, and I dropped the sword back down. Suddenly, a beam of bright light shot into Eckir from the side, and his body broke the ice, sending him deep inside. I jumped to the side, and a wall of bone came into being just behind the ice, trapping Eckir inside. Looking up, I saw Furex raise his hand towards me; light flared around me and golden light wrapped around me. The pain inside of me faded away; in its place grew hatred. Hatred for the demon, hatred for Eckir betraying us, and hatred at myself for believing him. All the time I had spent with him, never knowing that he served the demon.

An explosion of bone erupted in front of me, and from it stepped Eckir. The hate boiled within me, and I did not hesitate; I charged him, wanting to break every bone within him. He waved a hand, and in front of me appeared a wall of thorns. I tried to stop, but my speed was too great. A beam of light shot over my shoulder and struck the wall; there was no sound, but the wall disappeared in a single flash of light. I stopped several feet short of Eckir, realizing that my recklessness had almost cost me my life. Gripping my sword tightly in my hand, I brought up my blade and stepped forward.

***************

Things were absolutely perfect, the demon decided. The would-be heroes were trapped within their own block of magic with Xcric’s agents making up almost half of the party inside. With his mental connection to Eckir, Xcric could watch the battle inside unfolding as it happened. Though his agents were losing, it would only be a matter of time before the magical wall was torn down and the inhabitants slaughtered. He did not even have to wait for his army to break it down, not if he so chose. Xcric closed his eyes and began the spell to meld his mind with Eckir’s, allowing him to use his own powers through Eckir’s body. Once inside his body, the demon could kill the heroes easily enough.

***************

Magical energies flared as my blade and Eckir’s bounced off each other, back and forth.

“You cannot hope to win,” Eckir stated. “I have the backing of a veritable god. What do you have? You have nothing. You are now alone. Soon, the demon will be within me. You cannot even fight against myself; how can you hope to deal with me and the demon? Even as I speak, the walls are coming down around you. Soon, it will be you against myself and Xcric, against the armies Xcric has summoned to this world. You, by yourself, cannot even hope to challenge that.”

Listening to him speak, I knew it was true. Even while he was talking, Eckir seemed to grow stronger. His movements became quicker, his attacks more accurate. The fire in his eyes grew, and even though I was at the top of my ability, my actions fueled by the pain inside of me, I could not fight forever. Even now, my strength was becoming taxed merely fighting off his blows. Worse, the magical walls around us were failing; the demonic tide outside of them would soon be in. It was hopeless.

The walls disappeared, and the tides of flesh rushed forward, eager to kill and maim. Then came hope. From behind me came a flash of golden light, and where it touched the demons, flesh turned to ash. The entire front ranks of Xcric’s army disintegrated into statues of ash, then fell apart. Eckir covered his eyes and screamed in pain; merely looking at the light was too much for one as corrupted as he. Taking the advantage, I stabbed my sword through his chest; where the sword touched, flesh and organs bubbled violently, as if his body was boiling water. The magic of my sword came into full play, and where the bubbles burst blood spewed forth. Eckir screamed again, the torment of the magic too great. I pulled my blade out and Eckir slumped forward, no longer having the strength to stand. With one final slice, I cut his head from his shoulders and sent it rolling into the light. With one bright flash, his head turned to ash and then to nothing.

“You will never be alone Eckir,” said a voice. The voice sounded like music, beautiful and strong. I turned and saw an angel; one of heaven’s warriors. It was a majestic creature; light emanated from it in a soft glow. Its body was covered in golden armor, which reflected the light, making its glow twice as bright. Its white, feathery wings were tucked behind its body, and a white hood was pulled over its head; the face was covered by more of its golden armor.

“You are special Siran, and though I have no time to explain, you are needed elsewhere for the good of the Light,” and with that, the angel waved his hand. A picture appeared in the middle of the cavern; a dark forest appeared, trees in all directions. Though I could not be for sure, shadows appeared to move in the background, as if some sort of life could be there. Then the realization of what he had just said hit me.

“Wait… you want me to leave right now, in the middle of the fight? What of you, Furex, Mantiya?”

“No others survived,” replied Furex. “It is just me and you now. Trust him, go to where you are needed.”

My mind raced, overloaded with information. I had done nothing noteworthy in my life, had even screwed up this attack against Xcric, and now the Light itself needed me? What was going on? How could this possibly be happening?

“You will have time to ponder this later,” the angel said. “For now, you must go! I will find you at the right time. Furex and I know what has to be done here.”

I looked for a few moments at Furex. I could not just leave him behind. Still, he seemed to know more about what was going on then me. Beside me, the golden wall of light faded a little, and the army of Xcric moved closer to me. I had no more time. I ran to the portal and leaped into it.

*************

Xcric watched as the portal snapped shut behind Siran. Rage consumed him. He had been so close, only to have it stolen by some angel. With a thought, his entire army turned on the new arrival. Xcric stood and began walking towards his new target. He would personally rip this creature limb from limb.

**************

“Furex,” the angel stated, “it is time. You shall be remembered for this.”

Furex nodded slowly and began the chant. The chant began softly, but grew louder and stronger. Furex’s body began to glow from some unknown source. The light grew stronger, more intense. He was now practically screaming, and the light swirled around him. The angel began adding his own powers, and light began to escape from every pore of Furex’s body. Without a sound, Furex exploded in a great flash of light, the light inside too great for his mortal body to hold., and this light had a purpose. It sought out demonic flesh, the disease that was Xcric. The light moved towards the demonic master, devouring his entire army without leaving so much as a single piece of bone; it buried itself inside the demon. The light did not immediately destroy him; instead, it traveled along the magical connections of Xcric’s mind. Every creature he had corrupted, every demon he had summoned, everything he had ever enslaved was connected to him. The light traveled those connections, severing them and heading straight for the corrupted souls of all those Xcric controlled. In one brilliant flash of light, Xcric’s entire network of demons and spies was destroyed.

Xcric himself would not be killed that quick. The light remained inside of him, slowly burning its way out, torturing him every second it stayed inside him. The angel moved slowly towards the demon’s tortured form. Laying on the ground, his body convulsed in spasms, the demon was unable to even watch him approach. The angel waved a hand over the demon, and both disappeared. Silence reigned in the cavern, no trace of the demon, the battle that had destroyed him, or the heroes that had made it happen.

**************

A claw-like hand reached out and grabbed a chess piece.

“It would appear you have won this battle,” stated the creature. “I never would have thought that the demon would lose to your motley assortment of heroes.”

The creature, robed in darkness, set his piece down.

“You have always underestimated the abilities of mortals,” responded another, this one robed in light. A beautiful hand grabbed the nearby white piece and took the black piece; it bore a strange resemblance to the demon Xcric.

“Perhaps I have. However, how far do you think you can get Siran to go? He has almost fallen apart already,” responded the dark figure.

“As far as I can,” came the reply. With that, both began to move their pieces on the board, continuing their game and altering the lives of millions.

[Üdorim]

"Flames and smoke flew high into the air as I urged my stead on, sweat pouring down my face and soaking my shirt."

Steed, not stead. A steed is a thing that another thing mounts, for purposes of riding. A stead is instead a person who replaces another person, as a substitute, as in in his stead, or it could also possibly be to be serviceable to another thing, as in he stands in good stead, although nowadays we'd probably rather say he's in good standing.

Not to run the point into the ground, but little things can be deal breakers too. Anyway, it's obvious that this minor error is almost alone in the work, which has been very well proof-read. Or possibly just spellchecked, I dunno.

However.

In no particular order of importance, only that in which they came to me:

1) too many repeated short sentences, possibly too many short sentences in general.
2) muddled and undeveloped scenes.
3) shifting tense.
4) see-sawing of ideas and events.

"No!" I cried as I raced toward the hilltop.

It's nice that he's racing toward the hilltop, but the image is immediately, and rudely, supplanted by the image of him on a horse in the next sentence.

"Flames and smoke flew high into the air as I urged my stead [sic] on,"

Because this (and the first sentence) opens the scene it seems most obvious that the steed is somehow the source of the flames. Without context this would suggest to me that the horse is what's on fire.

Other people may disagree.

In any case, it's not real clear from the opening where exactly the rider is. Is he already on the hill, and approaching the top? Is he on level ground approaching the hill? Etc.

"When I reached the house I jumped off the horse and kicked my way into my home"

This is a very impersonal way to talk about one's home, which is a problem since the perspective is first person. I think it would make more sense written as "When I reached my home I jumped off the horse and kicked my way through the door."

"However, as I entered I realized something was wrong."

Saying this somehow implies that the prior scenario, that of his house burning down with his family inside, is somehow not wrong. Which serves to dull the whole paragraph. This sentence deserves to be a topic sentence, or a concluding hook at the bottom of a paragraph, not jammed in the middle.

"Flames cackled from the torch in my hand, giving a faint circle of light for me to see."

Logs, especially in a campfire, are known to crackle, but rarely has a flame been known to cackle. I'm thinking that flames cackling is a mixed metaphor, and while it might make for a cool effect situationally, it doesn't in this situation. For one thing, we just came in from a burning hilltop, which is noisy, and our ears haven't adjusted to the relative silence yet (assuming that the blackness also mutes out the sound outside — it's not clear that it does).

On the whole, the opening paragraph is shifting and muddled. If this was a tour, our itinerary would read: somewhere on a hilltop, now at a house, now in the house, but not anywhere in the house that we are previously familiar with, and suddenly surrounded by darkness, with a torch in our hands. All in about as long as I just took to say it, with no interruptions from our senses to provide reassuring landmarks.

"Spinning around, I turned"

I'm dizzy. If we spin around, we might expect to be facing 180 degrees from our previous heading, i.e. behind us (we expect this because it was said that we spin around, and not spin around once). If we then keep turning, we expect to be getting back to where we started, and how can we then expect to see anything new and surprising?

The rest of the paragraph is of inconsistent tense, starting with "The face I had seen." This problem is prevalent throughout the story.

"Dreams had haunted me every night for the last two years, ever since my family had been killed. The only constant was the demon within them."

Within his dreams, yes, that's what you meant, but it seems to me as if you said the demon within his family.

Which I have to admit was a whole lot more interesting than what was intended.

"My family's charred bodies crucified outside my house."

Charred bodies aren't often crucified. Demons may be known to char crucified bodies, though.

"His burned, charred flesh."

Too much charring in too short a space. I would rather see the demon have consumed, incinerated, smoldering, scorched, roasting, melted flesh.

"His body rippling with muscles and his three-fingered, claw-like hands."

My family's, his burned, his body ... is getting to be a very repetitious way to begin sentences. Especially when followed up with: I had, He had, No, I thought.

"I had gained some interesting items along the way. The silver chainmail I wore was supposedly enchanted, gaining me more protection than normal and was lighter in weight to boot. Also, my sword was enchanted as well, constantly sharp and proving to do some magical damage as well, creating a wider area of attack and infecting the skin that it cut, causing it to bubble up and turn rotten."

Not the best way to introduce game mechanics into the story, although people have done worse. It might be better to describe these things as they come into importance, which could help lend novelty to later events in the story. For example, recall the Lord of the Rings and Frodo's mithril shirt. He was given it in Rivendell, but the full extent of its attributes are not revealed until his trip through Moria.

The second half of the description of the sword, "infecting the skin that it cut, causing it to bubble up and turn rotten," is many times more appealing than the rest of the paragraph. It doesn't bring to mind a pixelated chain mail or sword bombarded with virtual numbers, like the rest of the paragraph does. "Wider area of attack" has no place in this story, anywhere.

"A rustling in the leaves tore me out of my thoughts."

Again, a nice word choice, if a little cliche, with the use of tearing and leaving and leaves and thinking, but abrupt and confusing as an opener.

The biggest problem on the whole seems to be a lack of cohesiveness. The action isn't distinct from the setting, and things sometimes appear to be out of order, for example, describing the protagonist thinking, then describing zombies/demons/etc advancing, then going back to describe the protagonist thinking about how he's going to stop thinking.

I am at a loss to provide a more detailed explanation.

Anyway at the very least it's better than my first post. Cheers.

[RevenantsKnight]

I’d say this story’s decent, but it still needs some work. The plot’s interesting enough and markedly original, if a little rushed and your meaning is generally clear. However, the characters in particular felt unfinished to me, as in most cases there just wasn’t enough to them. Similarly, your description and imagery’s good in a few places, but there are points where I couldn’t draw a mental picture of the scene or get involved in the story. Also, the ending doesn’t fit with the rest of the story. What you’ve got here is workable, but there isn’t a lot that really stands out in my mind.

A warning on making an action-heavy story: most of the time, fighting doesn’t develop characters well. I’d recommend adding more non-combat scenes where you can spend more time on the various adventurers so that they’re not just a name and a weapon.

A few general formatting notes: this is probably too much for one post, and the shifts between narrators need to be clearer. I frankly put off reading this because of the length; I don’t often have free time available in the quantities that I’d need to sit down, read this through and then comment on it. To remedy this, I’d break it up into maybe three or so chapters. As for the narration shifts, I’d put extra space between paragraphs to indicate the change or something.

Here’re some more specific comments:

Originally Posted by Painshifter

Flames and smoke flew high into the air as I urged my stead on, sweat pouring down my face and soaking my shirt.

“Steed” as in “horse” or “mount” is spelled with two “e”s.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

Flames cackled from the torch in my hand, giving a faint circle of light for me to see.

Good bit of description. I’d suggest trying to work more phrases like these into your story.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

I heard footsteps coming towards me from behind. Spinning around, I turned and tried to see who was behind me. I dropped the torch and put my hand to my mouth in abject horror.

These sentences are all grammatically correct, and they get the point across, but they’re rather general and repetitive. Each sentence is essentially “I did X,” which is a structure that is best not repeated three times in a row, and the words you use are not particularly good at generating an image for the reader. Take, for instance, “Spinning around, I turned and tried to see who was behind me”; this sentence does not give the reader much more than the actions themselves because the words used are fairly vague. If you say “I whirled frantically, my eyes flicking back and forth in my head,” you convey a sense of panic and haste, as well as create an image of the narrator’s eyes moving every which way, because the words used here are more precise.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

The face I had seen was not a man's.

I’d change the verb tense here to read “The face I saw...” since Siran’s still looking at the face, as far as I can tell.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

Tight, seemingly burned skin covered his face. He had no nose; instead, he had two slits in the middle of his face.

Counting the sentence before these, that’s three uses of the word “face” over three sentences. This repetition calls attention to each of these instances, which disrupts the flow of your story in this case. Some synonyms you could use for variety: “visage,” “facade,” “countenance,” etc. It doesn’t hurt to break out a thesaurus every now and then.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

Horns jutted out from his forehead and curved back like a rams.

That should be “ram’s,” since the implied comparison is with a ram’s horns, not an object called a “rams.”

Originally Posted by Painshifter

His mouth was like a shark's; sharp, triangular teeth grinning at me.

A semicolon is not suitable here, since the second clause is dependent on the first. I’d replace it with a comma.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

The eyes had been unholy things, blood red with an evil presence that had been felt even with only a brief glance at them; it felt as if they wanted to draw you into a dark abyss that you would never escape.

Again, the verbs in the first clause aren’t parallel with the rest of the paragraph; “had been” should be “were,” and I’m not sure what you were doing with “had been felt”...I’d change that to “...that could be felt after a brief...”

Originally Posted by Painshifter

I woke up with sweat streaming down my face. Grabbing my sword that had been by my side for nearly two years, I looked around and realized there was nothing. I was still in the forest, my campfire beside me crackling as it died out. Gasping for breath, I slowly calmed down.

I’d add in some descriptive sentences here on Siran, or the forest around him, so the reader can get a better idea of the scene playing out here. Remember, if you don’t specify something by describing it, the reader will either make assumptions based on what he or she already knows, and if these don’t agree with the image in your mind, your story might end up confusing the heck out of your audience. For example, the setting’s a forest of some sort. Based on that, this could be where it is, or in the middle of the Kehjistani jungle. Also, Siran just isn’t that memorable to me if I don’t know what he looks like.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

Dreams had haunted me every night for the last two years, ever since my family had been killed. The only constant was the demon within them. It was he who had murdered my family. Though it had been years and I had thought of it thousands upon thousands of time, the memory still brought me pain. The house in flames. My family's charred bodies crucified outside my house. And the demon. His burned, charred flesh. His body rippling with muscles and his three-fingered, claw-like hands..

Another thing related to character development: this paragraph seems too short and to the point for me to feel any of Siran’s pain. While he may not want to remember the event in much detail, dry retellings don’t leave the reader with much other than cold facts, which aren’t particularly good at inspiring emotion when they’re this distanced from the reader.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

It was this thought that had kept me going over the years, traveling from town to town, following myths and rumors, most turning up false. Though I had slain several demons, none of them had been the one that I sought. I worked whatever job I could find, most often becoming a mercenary or bodyguard for whomever had been willing to pay. I had gained some interesting items along the way. The silver chainmail I wore was supposedly enchanted, gaining me more protection than normal and was lighter in weight to boot. Also, my sword was enchanted as well, constantly sharp and proving to do some magical damage as well, creating a wider area of attack and infecting the skin that it cut, causing it to bubble up and turn rotten.

You might want to consider throwing in an anecdote from these years; this recollection is again strictly general facts, which don’t get a reader as involved as something more unique. Instead of just stating what his equipment can do, have Siran think back to the first time he used the sword, before he realized it was poisoned, or something like that, because then the reader has a vivid example available. Also, “whomever” should be “whoever.”

Originally Posted by Painshifter

I heard another sound, this time coming from the opposite side. I stood up, slowly drawing my sword, its steel beside me giving me comfort. I heard low moans coming from all around me, growing louder until as I watched the zombies stumble out of the forest.

Notice something about the sentence structure here? The “I did this. I did that” construction makes this feel like a list, not a tale. This sort of problem runs throughout your story, especially in the upcoming fight with the undead, and it is significantly distracting, so I’d advise you to look for any instances of this in general and deal with them as you see fit. In addition, I’d change the last clause above to “...the noises growing louder as four zombies stumbled out of the forest,” since what you have now is a little nonsensical.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

Several times on my trip I had been attacked by undead and things that I had never seen before.

“Things.” That’s too general to get a good image in my mind; for all I know, he got pied repeatedly by an insane clown. I suggest using a different, more descriptive word, such as “beasts” or “fiends,” which would convey the suggestion that whatever attacked him was potentially dangerous and probably evil or corrupted.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

In the few seconds this had taken place, the others had turned and were coming at me as one. They had come together, and this would not be as easy a victory as the other one.

The second sentence here feels extraneous, and I’d recommend deleting it. You made your point with the first sentence, and any additional words on the subject now just slow down the story.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

Backing towards the trees, I waited just inside them for the undead to come to me, counting on their stupidity to save me. As they entered the trees I quickly jabbed straight with my sword, which I then moved to block the swing of one of the creatures, the other two unable to reach me thanks to the trees.

Several comments: first off, the assertion that two of the zombies were unable to reach Siran seems to come out of nowhere because you don’t describe the trees he’s moving towards adequately. I can think of a number of positions where trees do nothing to block their movement, so you need to point out that this particular place does do that. Secondly, your use of “trees” is heavily repetitive; again, this makes your sentences sound clunkier. Try to avoid repeating one word over and over, either by using synonyms or by constructing your sentences in a different manner, unless you’re trying to emphasize something.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

As I parried that blow I cut up with my sword and drove the blade deep into his chest, thankful for their lack of armor. As my opponent again tried to connect with his sword I ducked below his swing and tore my sword out, cutting off his arm. His arm and sword fell to the ground.

That’s four uses of the word “sword.” Guess why I brought this up...

Originally Posted by Painshifter

I began to walk back towards my camp feeling energized, the adrenaline flowing fresh through my veins.

“Adrenaline” sounds too scientific for the Diablo world. I suggest you spend a little time tinkering with this idea to see if you can get it across without being anachronistic.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

However, as I neared the edge of the forest to the clearing of my camp, I remembered the zombie that whose arm I had cut off.

The “that” after “zombie” is unnecessary.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

The body. The body of the first zombie I had killed.

Here’s a place where repetition of a word does work well, since you’re using it to indicate his focus on the zombie’s corpse, or rather its absence.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

But no, I felt the cold wind on my face, the sword in my hand, the sweat still pouring down my face.

...And here’s a place where repetition just seems disruptive. You don’t need to say “face” twice; the first clause could read “I felt the wind’s cold bite on my skin” and the meaning would be the same for your purposes. I’m going to stop marking further instances of repetition and just advise you to look over your story for such occurrences, since they seem to be endemic. In general, the two best ways to undo repetition are to use synonyms (remember: a thesaurus is your friend) and to rewrite the sentence so you don’t repeat yourself, such as the example above.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

Siran was proving to be a strong and capable fighter, as any descendant of Backus should be.

You don’t mention this “Backus” anywhere else in the story, and provide no context on why he’s special. As it is, it feels unsupported, as if you just threw it in because it sounded cool. Adding in phrases you like is fine, so long as you give them a point to be in your story. Also...maybe I’m just too much of a history freak, but I first read that as “Bacchus,” which didn’t make any sense. You might want to change that name a little.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

Siran had packed up his gear and appeared to be heading off for his next adventure, the disappearing undead appearing to have shaken him up a bit; time to unfold the next part of his plan.

The “disappearing undead appearing” bit doesn’t flow well. I recommend a revision of this sentence in its entirety.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

Xcric closed his eyes and sent a thought.

Again, too general. There are a whole bunch of very vivid ways to say “sent a thought,” but just using the basic words doesn’t help much with an image.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

Eckir was one of Xcric's human puppets, able to pass among other human and go where the demon could not.

That should be “among other humans.”

Originally Posted by Painshifter

Not only one of the demon's most trusted servants, Eckir was also a good fighter.

Why does the demon trust Eckir so much? Why is Eckir in his service? Answer these questions, and the characters will seem more real, because the reader can then begin to fathom their thoughts. As it is now, they’re total emotional blanks and may as well be robots.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

Though I did not believe he had come to kill me, I put my hand on the hilt of my sword just in case.

What did Siran see that would lead him to this conclusion? After all, he is armed and capable of fighting based on his appearance.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

Confused, I called out, "That would be me. Who might you be?" I could not remember ever seeing him before; how did he know me?

"I am Eckir, and I know what it is that you seek."

"And what might that be?" I called out. He had gained my attention, but I was still very cautious.

Why would Siran identify himself to an armed total stranger he met in the middle of a forest infested with undead? When I read this, my first reaction was that this was NOT a cautious way to deal with such an arrival, unless he’s usually very reckless, which you do not show. If I wanted to be cautious in such a situation, I’d first find out how in the heck this person knows my name, and ask for his/her identity to gauge how much of a threat he or she is.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

"Indeed I do," came my reply. "However, it could take several weeks or perhaps months to gather them all."

If Siran’s been hunting for two years, why didn’t he gather these people earlier to help?

Originally Posted by Painshifter

"I am in no hurry," Eckir told me. "The more we have, the better. It is unlikely that the demon will move. We have a watch on his whereabouts, so even if he does, we will know."

If I were Siran, I’d be very suspicious as to how Eckir could keep a watch on the demon without being noticed or neutralized and still not be able to defeat him.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

Eckir was bringing Siran straight where he needed to be, and now the demon was provided with an opportunity to destroy more humans who had dedicated themselves to the killing his kind. If this plan was pulled off, the Burning Hells could have a much greater presence in the mortal realm, and with that finally begin to gain the edge over Heaven.

Why does Eckir need to bring Siran to this particular place? Even if the demon himself can’t enter parts of the mortal world, it seems like he has enough human tools to kill him straight up. A side note: to minimize wordiness, I’d replace “was pulled off” with “succeeded,” and the first sentence should read “...straight to where...” for grammatical correctness.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

The warning cry of the sentry awoke me in the middle of the night.

That should be “woke.”

Originally Posted by Painshifter

Our archers came in directly behind us, their "leader," Meir, getting them ready. Meir was generally good humored, and always had a good story or joke to tell. Get him into battle, however, and he became a no-nonsense warmonger.

This is a nice character detail on Meir, and it’s a pity that such things don’t show up on more important characters like Siran or Eckir. Also, “warmonger” has negative connotations which don’t really fit here; I’d suggest using “warrior” or “soldier” instead.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

Coming across the field to us, numbering at least thirty strong, were some of the most disgusting creatures I had ever seen. Their build reminded me of a minotaur's, hooves in place of feet, at least seven feet tall, broad and muscular...

While this passage has some good descriptive elements here, parts of it (and of your story in general) are too focused on numbers. Do we need to know that there are thirty attackers, or that they’re more than seven feet tall? Would it work if you said that the monsters outnumbered the adventurers by a significant margin, and if these creatures were described as simply “towering?” As it is, the extra precision sounds too cold and mechanical, especially seeing as Siran just woke up and is rushing into battle. It’s one thing if he’s spying on them and trying to get an accurate count, and another entirely if he’s rushing to get his party into a defensive formation on a minute’s notice.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

From behind me I heard the archers loose their arrows. Normally seven arrows would not have much effect on beasts such as this...The next two arrows were also of the lightning type, burying into a leg and an arm, sending surges of electricity throughout the creatures bodies, dropping both of them.

Again, this narration is too methodical and slow. It does get an image to the reader, but it drags on well beyond my patience. The first time I read this, I got halfway through this passage and started skimming to the end of the fight because it was simply too blow-by-blow. The trick is to walk between explaining every last detail and action and saying just enough for the reader to understand. Also, that should be “creatures’” in the last sentence, since it should be a plural possessive.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

Twin columns of flame erupted in the ranks of the beats. The demons tried to run away, but those nearest were quickly devoured by the fire elementals. Cries of inhuman rage emanated from the beasts. The hands of several beasts began to glow a fiery red. Magic shot forth, hammering into the fire. The flames exploded, leaving small, smoking craters in their place. The demons nearest the explosion were thrown hundreds of feet away from the battle, their forms charred and black, even more disfigured then they had been before.

This passage is not clear on what’s happening. I assume that the “columns of flame” spawned the fire elementals, but the jump between them is too abrupt. Also, where’d the “magic” shoot forth from, and what “fire” is it hammering into?

Originally Posted by Painshifter

But suddenly, before I could even engage my opponent, the ground opened beneath me and I was falling. I opened my mouth to scream, but it never escaped my lips. I barely felt the ground come to meet me, and then there was blackness.

Again, this reads like a list of actions because of the “I did X” structure. See above comments. Also, “I was falling” should be “I fell” to remain parallel with “the ground opened beneath me.”

Originally Posted by Painshifter

The light came from the mages hands.

That should be “mage’s” or “mages’,” depending on whether you mean one mage’s hands or several mages’ hands.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

Looking around, I made a quick check of our group's health. Of our original twenty-three, there were now fourteen left. Eckir, Meir, Furex, Mantiya, and I had all survived, along with the other three mages, four other swordsmen, and two of the archers.

The complete breakdown of the group strength is again excessive; if you said “...there were now fourteen left, including myself, Eckir, etc.” without mentioning the throwaway characters, you’d get your point across in fewer words.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

"We waited for Siran, why should we not wait for the others to come around?"

That comma should be a semicolon because both clauses could be sentences on their own.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

Voices grew louder, and some began threatening each other. Gripping my head, I tried to think. Everyone's shouting was giving me a headache. The sides had broken up into two groups, Eckir leading those wanting to leave, and Meir leading those who wanted to stay. This was not right; we shouldn't be fighting. We needed to stick together. If everyone would just shut up...

This is a good opportunity to show a little more character development, which you start to do but leave unfinished. It’s definitely worthwhile to have Siran remain unpartisan in this to set him apart, and you could spend even more time here on the other characters’ opinions to hint at their personalities, etc. See if you can’t work in a few more scenes like this to spend more time on Siran and Eckir in particular, since they feel far too empty for main characters.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

Furex led the group through the dark tunnels, the soft blue glow of his hands barely beating back the darkness. Eckir and I walked on either side of him, swords drawn, ready for whatever might come up. Behind us walked Meir and the other archer, followed by the other mages and remaining swordsmen. The tunnels had been a giant maze, and several times we had come to a dead end and found the skeletal remains of past adventurers.

This isn’t bad, but if you spent some more time describing other elements of the tunnels, like the air, the light, the walls, etc., you could really get a creepy atmosphere going. As you have it, they could be spacious or tight and claustrophobic, the air pleasantly cool, damp and chilling, or still and stale. These sorts of extras help bring scenes alive.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

Anger attempted to bubble up inside me, but it was a tiny, mute thing compared to the fear I felt.

Nice. More description like this would help this piece seem less monotonous.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

But I knew the job I had to do. I had to have vengeance. I had to rid the world of this demon.

Again, too general. What emotion or memory pushes past his fear to drive him forward? Does Siran wrestle for a moment with his doubts, or does he just charge ahead?

Originally Posted by Painshifter

A fireball had buried itself into the back of Mitex, shot from the fingers of Amy, the resident fire sorceress. I spun around and faced her. I was momentarily stunned at what she had done, and before I could react she launched a fireball at me.

You might want to develop at least one mole other than Eckir (who needs some more work anyway), because as it is, it feels like the other traitors just appear from nowhere.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

He waved a hand, and in front of me appeared a wall of thorns.

Here’s another instance where I had to stop in confusion because your description isn’t enough. “A wall of thorns” is usually not lethal, even if you’re running into it at full speed, so there must be something unusual about this particular one. Let us know what this difference is; are the thorns the size of human hands and oozing black fluid? Or are they just a bunch of branches with rose thorns?

Originally Posted by Painshifter

Magical energies flared as my blade and Eckir’s bounced off each other, back and forth.

“Back and forth” seems tacked on here and purposeless; I’d recommend deleting it or revising the sentence.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

Worse, the magical walls around us were failing; the demonic tide outside of them would soon be in.

They’d be “in” what? The walls would be gone by the time they could advance. I’d change this to something like “...would soon be free to join the battle.”

Originally Posted by Painshifter

Then came hope. From behind me came a flash of golden light, and where it touched the demons, flesh turned to ash. The entire front ranks of Xcric’s army disintegrated into statues of ash, then fell apart.

What you’ve just used here is a literary device called “deus ex machina,” where the plot is resolved by an unstoppable external force. It’s a time-honored mechanism, originally from the Greeks, but it doesn’t work here because you’ve set this story up as a tale of personal vengeance. In the end, having this outside power come literally out of the sky to save Siran’s bacon is not satisfying for me, because he doesn’t get what you’ve been leading up to for the entirety of the story. Yes, he gets Eckir, but he was after the demon. That’s the expectation you built up, either intentionally or unintentionally.

Originally Posted by Painshifter

My mind raced, overloaded with information. I had done nothing noteworthy in my life, had even screwed up this attack against Xcric, and now the Light itself needed me? What was going on? How could this possibly be happening?

Yeah...I did feel for Siran here, because I had no clue why this happened either. As mentioned above, it feels like you’ve been saying that you’d pull a bunny out of your top hat for the last half hour, and then you go and produce a rabid badger. It’s interesting, but...where the heck did that come from???

Originally Posted by Painshifter

Xcric himself would not be killed that quick.

That should be “quickly,” since you’re modifying a verb (killed.)

The ending’s sort of clever, but the way you get there just doesn’t do it for me. If you want to have Siran become an agent of Heaven, don’t set up your story as a pure revenge tale and have more elements hinting at why he’s important. All we know is that he’s descended from a person named “Backus” and that the demon fears him, sort of, and wants him dead.

In summary, you’ve got a workable frame and some good details, but I’d recommend you put some more thought into this story, focusing especially on the end and the characters. I admit to being a hard critic of written work, so I hope this isn’t too discouraging; if you keep at it, you’ll improve. Feel free to ask for more clarifications or whatever if you want them, and good luck.

[Project_Xii]

Whoa. That's a more in depth critique then i ever gave you Painshifter
Didn't realise you were so determined to get into TDL.
You might actually find some of my old stories in this forum if you look at the last page. You arrived in FFF awhile after i reposted them.