Alone...

[Myst_Lynx]

Ok this is my first attempt at fan fiction. I started on this a month ago on a whim, and kinda been building up on it little by little whenever i got the chance or creative urge. So lay on, and let me know if i should keep on goin or just stop before i blind you all with my horrible creations. :cheesy:

---Chapter 1---

Alone she trekked through the woods. Following a barely discernable path littered with obstacles, long fallen trees baring the way, scattered roots littered about to trip the unwary, and thorny branches protruding out ensnaring travelers. The forest canopy let in spots of light here and there on forest floor but not enough to clearly make out the surrounding area. She quickly considered lighting a lamp to better illuminate her path, but just as quickly dismissed the thought, better not to alert the inhabitants of this forest of her presence anymore then necessary. So she continued on using her staff to feel along the path. For three days now she has been out in this light-forsaken wilderness searching for the lost tower. The old tome spoke of it, of a once great tower somewhere in these dark woods, wherein dwells the immortal countess. Fabled to have bathed in the blood of a thousand virgins, her ruthlessness was rivaled only by the Prime Evils.

Freezing in mid-stride, suddenly aware of an unnatural presence nearby, she carefully surveyed the surrounding area, searching for anything out of the ordinary in forest growth. Seeing nothing, she slowly crept forward; all of her senses alert, searching for the slightest hint of danger. A faint growl could be heard in a clearing up ahead. Careful not to make any sounds to alert the source of the bestial growls, she tightened her grip and her staff and continued on in the direction of the sounds. At the edge of the clearing she finally spotted a creature of gargantuan size fighting a pack of smaller demons. Judging from their war paint and their jerky, uncoordinated movements she identified the demons as carver-kin, dangerous in numbers and stronger than their more common cousins fallen-ones. But against the brute they were fighting, they might as well been a flock of sheep. Its vicious claws rending flesh and blows powerful enough to send them flying as if they were straw poppets. This was no ordinary beast. As she watched it fight, she could see the intelligence in its eyes as if it were human; there was no corruption in its visage only aim and purpose. The creature had the look of a great bear, towering over the carvers, standing on its two hind feet, with massive arms and paws larger then her own head.

A sudden movement off to the side caught her eye and took her attention away from the battle. A shaman was moving to flank the bear, to attack it from behind while it was too busy killing the smaller carvers to notice him. Decided to take a gamble, she burst out from the brush focusing her inner energy into the raw form of fire. Using her staff as a nexus of her energy she concentrated the flames into a ball and with a grunt of exertion, sent it flying towards the shaman. Her sudden appearance caught the attention of the shaman as he was readying his attack on the bear. He was just starting to focus his own energy when the fireball exploded, taking off his face and most of his front armor and sending his body careening into a group of carvers. The shock was enough to break the remainder of the demons, sending them fleeing out in all directions back into the relative safety of the surrounding woods.

Silence returned to the forest, as she found herself face to navel with the enormous bear. Breathing heavily, it coldly regarded her as she unflinchingly returned its glare, readying herself for the worst. After its breathing had slowed, it opened its mouth and began to speak in a voice that sounded most definitely human.

“These woods are not safe for a girl such as yourself. Alone and as young as you are, you should not be out here at all.”

“I’m sorry.” Quickly gathering up her courage. “But I just saved you from getting your furry butt burned off by that shaman over there while you were playing throw-down with your little friends. I think a ‘thank you’ is in order.” She snapped back.

They continued to stare at each other, neither of them moving. Suddenly the bear began to roar with laughter, shaking the trees and sending the remaining wildlife scampering away, deep into the woods.

“Ha! Small you are, but not at heart. Very well. I am grateful for your aid.”

And with that he began transforming.

I like this short story

[RevenantsKnight]

Lay on, eh? Right...this story isn't bad, but it definitely could be better with some more time. The plot of the story was clear, and you conveyed the general idea, but the story's detail is noticably spotty. The first paragraph's got some good descriptive bits, but there's a number of things that are missing. What is the main character's motivation for searching for the Forgotten Tower? Does she have an emotional connection to the story, or is she just after the treasure rumored to be hidden in the tower's remains? For that matter, what does the main character look like? You don't have any passages that talk about her at all, other than that she's "small" and "young," so for all the reader knows, she could be a 7 year old child with a nasty case of leprosy. Similarly, you could spend more time on describing the bear, the carvers, or whatever else strikes your fancy, so that the reader gets a clearer image in general of what's going on. Also, there's a number of grammatical mistakes that drag down the quality of the story; it's hard for me to get absorbed in a work of fiction if it's not mostly error-free. Some overly specific and unfairly mean comments:

Originally Posted by Myst_Lynx

Alone she trekked through the woods. Following a barely discernable path littered with obstacles, long fallen trees baring the way, scattered roots littered about to trip the unwary, and thorny branches protruding out ensnaring travelers.

The second sentence here isn't complete; maybe you could combine the first sentence with "following a barely..." and then rewrite the second part to be its own sentence. Also, "barring" has two "r"s, and I'd suggest finding a different word to describe the roots to avoid repetition of the word "littered." Finally, "thorny branches protruding out ensnaring travelers" is awkward; the way it is, it sounds like the branches are actively engaged in "ensnaring travelers" right at this moment. Maybe that's what you were going for, but in any case, it doesn't read as smoothly as some of the other parts of your story.

Originally Posted by Myst_Lynx

She quickly considered lighting a lamp to better illuminate her path, but just as quickly dismissed the thought, better not to alert the inhabitants of this forest of her presence anymore then necessary.

The last clause here doesn't work grammatically with the rest of the sentence; a quick fix would be "as it would be better...," but beware...quick fixes usually aren't the best fixes. The first part of the sentence, with the two thoughts that go through her head, is good, though. Additionally, "alert" uses "to" as a preposition, not "of"; "any more" is two words, and "than" is used for comparisons, while "then" indicates the next action in a series of events, or something to that effect.

Originally Posted by Myst_Lynx

For three days now she has been out in this light-forsaken wilderness searching for the lost tower.

There's a verb tense shift here; "has been" should be "had been" to keep in line with the rest of your writing.

Originally Posted by Myst_Lynx

Fabled to have bathed in the blood of a thousand virgins, her ruthlessness was rivaled only by the Prime Evils.

TDL's quest text archive has that number at one hundred, not one thousand.

Originally Posted by Myst_Lynx

Seeing nothing, she slowly crept forward; all of her senses alert, searching for the slightest hint of danger.

The semicolon in that sentence should be a comma. If you want them to stand as two independent clauses, then leave the semicolon and add a verb to the second clause, i.e. "all of her senses were alert, searching..."

Originally Posted by Myst_Lynx

Judging from their war paint and their jerky, uncoordinated movements she identified the demons as carver-kin, dangerous in numbers and stronger than their more common cousins fallen-ones.

The last bit about the distinction between carvers and fallen seems like unnecessary adherence to the game to me; for your purposes, it doesn't look like it matters whether they're carvers or fallen, and adding those in just makes it seem like a scene out of a starting character's Tree of Inifuss hunt. Maybe that's your goal, but if I see a piece of writing that feels like it's a strict narration of someone's in-game rampages, I'm going to stop reading.

Originally Posted by Myst_Lynx

But against the brute they were fighting, they might as well been a flock of sheep.

Nice image.

Originally Posted by Myst_Lynx

Its vicious claws rending flesh and blows powerful enough to send them flying as if they were straw poppets.

As it is, your writing describes claws actually slicing through "blows powerful enough...," just as they do to flesh. I think you mean "and its blows were powerful enough...," which would indicate that the bear was hitting really hard.

Originally Posted by Myst_Lynx

there was no corruption in its visage only aim and purpose.

There should be a comma after "visage."

Originally Posted by Myst_Lynx

Decided to take a gamble, she burst out from the brush focusing her inner energy into the raw form of fire.

"Decided" should be "Deciding," or there should be a "she" before decided. The latter option would require further revision of the rest of the sentence.

Originally Posted by Myst_Lynx

Quickly gathering up her courage.

Again, this is a fragment, not a complete sentence, since there's no subject. The subject is implied to be the protagonist, so you get your point across, but the grammatical error is jarring enough to prevent the reader from focusing on the story you're trying to tell.

Originally Posted by Myst_Lynx

“But I just saved you from getting your furry butt burned off by that shaman over there while you were playing throw-down with your little friends. I think a ‘thank you’ is in order.” She snapped back.

In general, when you've got what someone said and how he or she says it following the remark, there's a comma instead of a period inside of the quotation marks, and the next word ("she" in this case) isn't capitalized.

Again, I don't think this story's anywhere near the worst I've seen, and there are some parts to it that are good, but it needs some more time before it reaches the point where I'd call it a finished work. So, to answer your previous question, you should keep going with this, because it'll get better and better as you work on it. Seriously.

[Myst_Lynx]

yeah it's been years since i last took an english composition course and it shows. thanks for the raving review revenant. as to the character details, i really meant this piece to be like a prologue of sorts, the next chaper going more indepth with both the characters as well as why she's searching out the tower. Also I was holding off on revealing her name till later ala Kill Bill. oh and thanks for catching that little discrepancy with the number of virgins... frankly one is too many :-p