Tell me a joke! Win a car

[Porkchopsamwich]

Hey, so I'll tell you a joke if you promise to tell me a joke. Here's mine:


A pirate walks into a bar, and he has his ship's steering wheel crammed into his pants.

As he approaches the bar, the bartender says, "Hey, did you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?"

The pirate says, "Yarrrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"

[Stevinator]

Joe was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Joe has been missing since Friday.

[Porkchopsamwich]

bahaha! !

[Ash Housewares]

A joke thread you say? Oh what a dangerous request for this forum...

Blame Durf if you don't like this joke

There once was this guy who worked for the Railroad as a conductor. Let's say his name was Joe. Well, Joe was walking through the train, en route, collecting tickets from the passengers. He comes to car 12, booth 3. In it was a man.

So, he asked him for his ticket: "Excuse me sir, do have your ticket?"

"Oh, I am soooo sorry, I dropped it out the window by accident," he replied.

"Sorry sir, can't have any passengers without tickets." He grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and threw him out of the train. Well, he landed on the tracks and was run over by the train. Naturally, the conductor was arrested and thrown in jail. He was convicted of murder before a jury of his peers, and sentenced to death by electrocution.

The day of his execution came up, and he was asked what he would like for his last meal. He asks for a banana. They gave it to him, he ate it, received his last rites, and was escorted to the chair. The executioner strapped him in, hooked everything up. Last, he threw the big switch once, and nothing happened. So, he did it again, and nothing happened. Well, by law the guy was legally dead, so they had to release him.

Oddly enough, the guy got a job on another railroad, as a conductor! One day, he was gathering tickets, and came to a booth with a little boy.

"Young man, do you have your ticket?", asked the conductor.

"A-a-a, I'm sorry, I ate it by mistake..", said the little boy.

And.. the same thing happened -- the boy was thrown off the train and killed. The guy was arrested, sentenced to death by electrocution. It came to him last day. The death row guard asked him what he would like for his meal. He asked for banana again. He ate it, and a priest gave him last rites.

He was escorted to the death chamber. This time, though, they were smart.

They washed his hands to get rid of any banana slime, they washed up the chair. Next, they placed him the chair, and hooked him up. The switch-puller pulled the switch once, and nothing happened. The switch-puller pulled the switch twice, and nothing happened, not even a single hair raising on the guy's chest.

Well, as the law says, they had to let him go...

Even more amazingly, he got a job on yet another railroad.

This time it was a rabbi. Same old stuff. Rabbi had no ticket (he forgot to buy it). Guy threw him off the train, rabbi died. Guy was arrested, convicted, sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the guard asked him what he would like for a last meal, he asked for a banana. He ate it, received last rites, and was escorted to the chamber.

However, this time the officials where going to get it right! They scrubbed his body with a brillo pad. They scrubbed the chair with steel wool. They tried the chair on a few other prisoners...

Okay, they strapped him in, and threw the switch once, nothing happened. Threw the switch a second time, nothing happened. At this point the guy was legally dead, etc, etc.

But, before the guy could leave, the executioner, extremely frustrated (he'd seen this same guy three times already). asked, "What is it with the banana!"

The guy replied, "I just like bananas."

So, the executioner screamed, "THEN HOW COME YOU DON'T DIE!!!!!"

"I dunno," replied the guy, "I guess I'm just not a very good conductor."

http://diablo.incgamers.com/forums/s...rry-about-this
not the original joke thread, but the oldest I could find that didn't get eaten by the forum monster of '04

and still more crap

How can you tell an elephant from a grape?
-Elephants are grey.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
-"Look the elephants are coming over the hill."

What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming over the hill?
-"Look the grapes are coming over the hill." (she's colorblind)

How do you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
-Look for footprints in the pizza.

How do you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
-Look for two sets of footprints side by side.

How do you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
-The door won't close.

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
-So they can hide in cherry trees.

But there are no elephants in cherry trees!
-It's working, you can't see them.

How do you get an elephant onto an Oak tree?
-Plant an acorn under him and wait 50 years.

How do you get an elephant down from an Oak tree?
-Tell him to sit on a leaf and wait for Autumn.

How do you shoot a blue elephant?
-With a blue elephant-gun

How do you shoot a red elephant?
-Strangle him 'til he turns blue then shoot him with a blue-elephant gun.

Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
-He was dead.

Why did the second elephant fall?
-He was glued to the first one.

Why did the third elephant fall?
-She thought it was a game.

Why did the tree fall?
-It thought it was an elephant.

Why did all the elephants wear pink t-shirts?
-They were all on the same team.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill in pink t-shirts?
-"They must all be on the same team."

[Stevinator]

How about the blonde that got stuck in her hotel room. She could only find three doors. One was the bathroom, One was the closet, and the last one had a sign that said "do not disturb".

*rimshot

[BobCox2]

Why do elephants paint their balls red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.

What's the loudest sound in the jungle?
Giraffes eating cherries.



True Story

So there we are:
Me (an American,) a coworker (German,) and one of our customer's technicians (Cypriot -honest that is what the inhabitants of Cyprus call themselves.) We are standing in a small room in a tower on top of one of the higher mountains on the island of Cyprus, freezing our butts off (the german guy and I hadn't realized that it gets cold in the Mediteranean so we didn't take warm clothes, the Cypriot doesn't normally go up on the tops of mountains so he doesn't even own a heavy jacket.) The Cypriot guy's boss has gone off to talk to the telecom technicians in another part of the tower (the tower belongs to the Cyprus telecom, our customer rents space from them.) The job done, we start packing our equipment and the Cypriot guy asks my coworker how in heaven's name we managed to get all of our gear into the one case (OK, it is a big honker but we are talking about a LOT of stuff.) The german guy tells him that it's easy - just like putting an elephant in the refrigerator. Blank look on the cypriot guy's face - he has never heard stupid elephant jokes. A thousand watt light bulb goes on over the german guy's head - we now have a mission, something to do while waiting for the cypriot guy's boss to come back. We will educate this poor Cypriot and initiate him into the world of stupid elephant jokes.
So, whilst slowly freezing solid, my coworker turns to me and begins:
GG (German guy):"How do you put an elephant in the refrigerator?"
AG (American guy):"Open the door, put the elephant in, push a little, close the door."
GG:"How do you tell if the light goes out when you close the refrigerator door?"
AG:"Open the door and ask the elephant."
GG:"How do you know when an elephant has been in your refrigerator?"
AG:"By the elephant tracks in the butter."
GG:"How do you put a giraffe in the refrigerator?"
AG:"Open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, close the door."

Poor Cypriot stands there, now frozen literally as well as figuratively in place, and imagines that the consultants come from Germany to help renovate the Cypriot customer's system are completely insane.

[Stevinator]

Poor Cypriot stands there, now frozen literally as well as figuratively in place, and imagines that the consultants come from Germany to help renovate the Cypriot customer's system are completely insane.

I'm not sure he's wrong

[Stevinator]

Who says men don't remember anniversaries?


A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

[Leopold Stotch]

lol!!

Man comes home one night. The house is empty and he heads upstairs to his bedroom. He walks in and from the light in the hallway, he sees two bodies in his bed, blanket covering them, one big, one small. There is some commotion, if you will () going on. Man gets pissed, goes to the shed, gets his gun and marches upstairs and shoots. He comes back down and his wife is there in the door with some grocery bags.

"Oh, hey. My parents came a day early and I let them stay in our bedroom so they rest from their trip."





customer came into the store and told me this joke. Not verbatim but it's as close as I could get it. Got the punchline! lol.

[Stevinator]

So a true story then....

I would say the moral of the story is don't forget to text your husband when your parents come early.