Maltatai: Do YOU ever get tired of the physically resistant zombie boss packs in Hell Blood Moor that makes you feel that you have entered an impossible difficulty level? Don’t YOU find those ghost-over-ghost-over-ghost-over-ghost mobs so obscenely annoying that it’s bordering the game-breaking? And would YOU not wish for a safe and sure way to make those Doom- and Oblivion Knight packs shut up and die a second time?
Want to be rid of everything bony and spectral from burning dead to Top Model contestants? Then Holy Bolt is the spell for you! Destroys all undead, regardless of immunities. Holy Bolt – when Sanctuary is too risky and elemental magic too expensive. Holy Bolt – a spell to trust. Holy Bolt – the sound of it will be music to your ears. Order today and you will get a discount at the Congregated Cleric Company which may be used within the next five…
Rödluvan: NOOOO! Begone foul sponsors! Marketing mischief and capitalistic conspiracy! Away with it!
Maltatai: …AAaand after that short note from our sponsors we continue with the last part of the magic finding finals! The Red Flames are positively burning to present their counter to the last thrilling show of the Blue Snow! Over to you, Rödluvan.
Rödluvan: Just a moment, I am soon done strafing every remaining advertising personnel…
Maltatai: OK, OK, no more advertising. Happy now?
Rödluvan: Oh, yes. My second wave of awesome loot begun with an odd little throwing knife stack. Nice enhancement. The gauntlets I found later were disgustingly white.
Snövit: Sounds beautiful.
Rödluvan: To the disgusting people, naturally. A big maul looked so cool with its skull-shaped head it was hardly believable. Even less believable was the enormous damage on a normal unique item. Wooow…
Maltatai: Commonly known as Bonesnap, yes.
Rödluvan: Moving through the Bloody Foothills I managed to cause a triple volcanic eruption – very nice fireworks hahahaa! A large charm I found ensured I would not accidently get burned by the flames.
Maltatai: Fat chance, with protagonist characters being constantly immune to their own spells…but nice charm.
Rödluvan: I can also proudly announce that the Amazon Collective has recently displayed tremendous care for its servant…employees. Telash is now wearing a most enlightening skull cap that improves his flashing.
Telash: Fear me!
Rödluvan: A pair of boots were great for running bosses for items but lacked resistances. Pity.
Had I been a French Paladin I would have been happier with that hammer. WHY do we get so much melee moron equipment and so little good bows?
And I am not a Barbarian or a Druid either…
A gem shrine provided light in the darkness.
The demonhide sash was ugly but useful.
Then, finally, a real Amazon weapon! Skystrike! It can drop meteors!
Maltatai: Nice, fast bow. But will it do enough damage?
Rödluvan: It is a bit weak. I have kept it for the speed and +skills to use for fire arrows or possibly quick lightning damage against physical/fire immunes. If I had more +skills from an amulet or circlet it would perhaps be worth more than now to get the extra speed. We’ll see. Such a shame it wasn’t Riphook or Kuko Shakaku.
A pair of demonhide gloves were also great but outdone by a more relevant one I already wear, which have increased attack speed.
In one other charm I found a little snake resting. It must have been a very strong and sustainable charm because the snake was more or less undisturbed – phew!
After another raid through the countess’ stores I was close to cubing a Lum rune!
And for the second time, I am no Barbarian, nor am I a Patriarch! But I liked the flawed topaz. It was almost as charming as the small lightning resistance charm I found.
The Iceblink was a little too late to be useful, yet it is a very interesting armour.
And now, look at those boots!
Maltatai: Good, now you can switch boots depending on what elements seem the most dangerous. That’s always good.
Rödluvan: And collect extra taxes, don’t forget that. Especially corporations and ice can look forward to a raise, hehehehehe!
Snövit: Over my melted arrows!
Rödluvan: You will have no chance against me! I have a large charm of cold resistance…
Snövit: 4%, ooooh I’m so scared! Not.
Rödluvan: And an Um Rune!
Maltatai: “blinks”
Snövit: “gasping for air” Not…fair…
Rödluvan: Taking advantage of the unusual peace and quiet around here, very nice indeed, I would like to add this lovely little ring here with life stealing and light resistance…I mean lightning resistance.
Once again I must note that I AM NOT A DRUID! They smell funny.
The long war bow had some stylish +skills but I found it too weak and slow. Still splendid skills focus by the bowyer.
Following the discovery of an unusually fine Shael rune…
Maltatai: Unusually fine? Aren’t they all the same?
Rödluvan: To the inattentive layman perhaps. Telash assured me that this rune, which was promptly inserted in a purchased blade in the normal shadow realm, is of supreme quality.
Maltatai: I see. How comforting to be reassured by such a knowledgeable, objective and unbiased source.
Rödluvan: Yes…now, early during the first test runs for Telashs new blade I found a great green War Belt! I AM NOT A BARBA…hrm, but it still never hurts to get a new perspective of things and be open to other cultures and styles, eh, hrm, hehe…
Maltatai: I am sure that modified perspective had absolutely nothing to do with the huge resistance and strength bonuses of the belt…
Rödluvan: Yes, strength bonuses! Would you like a demonstration? Perhaps a kick in the guts?
Maltatai: I’m no barrel. You can’t kick me.
Rödluvan: Nuts.
Maltatai: First guts, now nuts. Make up your mind!
Rödluvan: Fine, I spare you for now.
Maltatai: Look, there are the gauntlets of quarrelling!
Rödluvan: ???
Maltatai: Frostburn. The name can be associated with both of you, thus being a source of endless discussion and debate. Not that you need one.
Rödluvan: Thank you for the insightful comment. Now to fashion report: red is the colour of the season for boots, if you didn’t know. Someone who does know is Hsarus. AND I AM NOT A SMELLY, CLUMSY, FUR-BRAINED DRUIIIIID!!!
Maltatai: That concludes the Magic Finding Cup! I hope you have all enjoyed yourselves and your loot.
The hat medal goes to Rödluvan for the grand Grand Crown of Thieves, which is about the most stylish thing she could wear with it’s massive red life stealing.
The amulet medal goes to Snövit for finding Plague Torc, the rare medal with +skills and resistances.
The armour medal goes to Snövit for finding Hwanins armour – useful armours have otherwise been mysteriously absent lately.
The ring medal goes to Snövit for the Dwarf Star.
The belt medal goes to Snövit for Thundergods Vigor.
The weapon medal goes to Rödluvan for finding Skystrike.
The boot medal goes to Snövit for the War Traveller.
The glove medal goes to Rödluvan for the Demon Touch rare demonhide gloves.
The rune medal goes to Rödluvan for her obscene luck of getting both a Lem and an Um rune.
The charm (for finding charms, NOT for being charming) medal goes to Snövit for the 30% Ruby Grand charm of Greed (30% fire resistance of course. I can’t believe anyone would ask about this).
The best mercenary equipment medal goes to Rödluvan for making both a Lore hat and a Crescent Moon sword for Telash.
And the overall winner…
Snövit: Yes?
Rödluvan: Me?
Snövit: Me?
Maltatai: …seems to be Rödluvan at the moment due to her fantastic luck with the runes but the coming trials in the form of fierce battles with the evil legions of evil and the even more evil ancients will decide.
Snövit: WHAT!?
Rödluvan: And what does the winner get? All the loot of the loser, perhaps?
Maltatai: The winner…survives and will be immortalized in eternal glory.
Snövit: So the winner of the Cup is the one who succeeds in slaughtering the last of the incompetent sauerkraut-for-brains demons of Baal?
Rödluvan: HA! Easily done!
Telash: Exactly! Woohooo! Right!
Maltatai: What’s up with him?
Rödluvan: It is some sort of after effect of the overjoying experience of receiving the Crescent Moon sword. Do you know how unusual it is for an untwinked Act 3 mercenary to get such a piece of gear? Not to mention to be hired at all in the first place…Oh, I guess you do, you seem quite knowledgeable of this world despite never appearing here. Telash has been even more mad than usual ever since he got to try out that new lightning conductor.
Telash: Lightning conductor?! What?! How dare you insult my supreme weapon like that? I’ll have you know that this blade is rune-o-matic
It’s systematic
It’s hydromatic (on second thought it isn’t, water should not be mixed with lightning spells)
I conjure greased lightning!
We’ll get some overseer lifters and some four arrow strafe, oh yeah
I keep talking, whoa, keep talking
Foe intestine cutoffs and chrome plated hilt, oh yeah
I get the money, I kill to get the money
With the Ancients on the floor, loot be waiting through the door
You know from just this bit, Snowy Hag will have a fit from greased lightning
Spell spell spell spell spell spell spell spell spell spell
Rödluvan: Hahahahaha!
Snövit: Snowy Hag!?
Telash:
Go greased lightning, you’re burning up the demon Baal
Greased lightning, go greased lightning
Go greased lightning, you’re flashing through the heat lap trial
Greased lightning, go greased lightning
I am supreme, the chicks’ll scream for greased lightning
Rödluvan: You have been more effective lately but don’t overdo it, ok?
Telash:
I’ll get some purple royal mantle and thirty inch crown, oh yeah
Olympic mountain penthouse and dual blondie twins, oh yeah
With new arcs and bolts and shocks I can get off my rocks
You know that I ain’t bragging, on the house you’ll get your flagon
Greased lightning
Flash flash flash flash flash flash flash flash flash
Go greased lightning, you’re burning every Prime Evil
Greased lightning, go greased lightning
Go greased lightning, you’re putting Tyrael to trial
Greased lightning, go greased lightning
I am supreme, the chicks will dream, of greased lightning
Bolt bolt bolt bolt bolt bolt bolt bolt bolt
Rödluvan: Now hold up there! I do not DREAM of your lightning spells!
Snövit: What the heck has gotten into your collective?
Maltatai: Keeping with the Greek lightning god delusions of grandeur theme I think “hubris” is the correct diagnosis. Well, you’ll have an interesting time in front of you, Rödluvan. Just don’t rely too much on a stealthy approach to monsters.
Rödluvan: …
Maltatai: Just a thought. I could be wrong, of course, but I think it might be hard with that singing bird behind you.
Rödluvan: Can’t we talk about something else?
Maltatai: Like what?
Rödluvan: I don’t know. Rabbits.
Maltatai: Rabbits?
Rödluvan: Small, furry creatures with large ears.
Maltatai: I know what rabbits are! What about them?
Rödluvan: How come they manage to survive unharmed in the middle of a battlefield with bloodthirsty demons on all sides and fiery arrows flying all over the place?
Snövit: Yes, they are totally immune to magic! Even stuff that is close to the ground like miss socialist’s volcano.
Maltatai: I don’t know. Obviously some hidden power. Perhaps a bit like Khalim, whose body parts proved indestructible for the Zakarum church – just like the barbarians never manage to grill the few rabbits they manage to kill despite holding them over their fires day and night.
Rödluvan: I actually saw this rabbit superpower manifest itself once. It looked a bit like the boons from the protective shrines. Maybe it is the rabbits who have built them all?
Maltatai: I’m afraid I don’t know who this mysterious Alice is either. I shall have to look it up. I’ll ask around among cooperative rockers and dibbling vicars. Over and out.
Originally Posted by PizzaPolice
I haven't read the latest one, but i'll be sure to do so
everyone for commenting, that's very nice of you
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