M&M Natural Selection

[dirkdig]

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duals. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser", and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense thatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd (flock?). Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to:

M&M Mars, A division of Mars, Inc.
Hackettstown, NJ
17840-1503 USA

along with an index card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes." This past week, they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 lb. bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.


There can be only one.

[tarnok]

I hope to God you're kidding.

But then again, I kind of hope you aren't.

[dirkdig]

I hope to God you're kidding.

But then again, I kind of hope you aren't.

No joke, my friend. I'm also thinking of applying for ESPN sponsorship. Depending upon the success and popularity of the tournament, I may also try to branch out into goldfish as well. Though they lack the structural fortitude of the M&Ms, they make more sense when it comes to breeding.

If interest allows, I may update the thread with links to pics, stats, and player bios as the tournament progresses.

[Feared]

It's been a while since I've shed a tear for something because of its awesomeness.

[SaroDarksbane]

I've read this before, but I couldn't remember where. A quick Google search showed me that I had little hope of ever tracking down the real author, though, since apparently this has been posted everywhere.

Quite funny though, nonetheless.

[BobCox2]

Check out a pack of peanut M&M's!
Very rarely you will find a perfectly round one that is a mistake - no peanut at all is inside due to a mistake in manufacture.
This is larger and more circular than any normal Plain M&M (formed into a almost perfect sphere) and is the Winner in all such contests against a ordinary M&M.
If Only I could buy a bag of them we could start breeding the Master Race of M&M's

[Johnny]

It's a good story but you seriously lose for trying to claim it as your own.

So lets adress the story seperate of dirk.

It's a very good read though I keept thinking that the author has to have been covered in chocolate by the time he finishes as those things shatter when they break.

[Sokar Rostau]

Maybe the "grant money" is an urban legend, but the rest is true insofar as people do do this sort of thing - I've been doing it for about 20 years. When I was a kid they were spaceships blowing each other up, now I just do it from habit.

[Rashiminos]

It's a very good read though I keept thinking that the author has to have been covered in chocolate by the time he finishes as those things shatter when they break.

S/he was warned to let them let them melt in his/mouth, not in his/her hand.

[Dondrei]

Me likee story, now tellee sourcee.