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  1. #1
    IncGamers Member Bloodedmayhem's Avatar
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    Alaric by - BloodedMayhem


    Alaric


    Chapter One – The Reborn Child


    Rio stood next to the open door which had claw marks in them. He studied the door and pressed his finger into the wood. He looked around his room and nothing had moved, so the claw mark must have been made from outside of his room, or so he thought. He tried to look through the key hole but he could not see anything. Rio walked back to his bed which was on the other side of his room. His bed was surrounded by long, dark red drapes which were hocked onto the roof above his bed. Rio had lived in luxury ever since his parents were named King and Queen of Masi.
    Masi use to be known as the world. It had four continents and each were never given a real name. People always referred to them as North, South, East and West. Then the darkness swept over the North and West continents.

    Rio sat on his bed thinking about the North and West continents which were now called Endeklun. He felt a sudden chill move down the back of his neck from just thinking about it, so he stopped. He stood up, shook his head and decided to go see someone about his door. As he got to his door he started to hear some noises that he didn’t notice before. The noises sounded like screams and things being broken. As Rio was given a room that was not close to any other rooms as Rio enjoyed silence. He leaned against his to hear the sounds more clearly but they sounded just as dimmed as they did before he leaned on the door. It was either fear or courage that made Rio want to and see what was happening. The halls of the castle were supposed to be completely quiet at this time of morning. The moon was still out but it was fading into the sky which means it was very early, too early for the servants to be awake.
    Rio walked over to a huge door which was in the back of his room. He opened the door and inside was a large room filled with books, cloths, robes and more items. Within the room there was a small chest on the floor. The chest had a royal symbol on the top and the rest was made from dark black leather. He pulled out a small key from his vest which was hocked onto a small chain which was worn around his neck. He placed the key into the key hole and turned the key counter clock-wise three times and a small click came from the box. With the key still in the key hole, Rio lifted the lid of the box and inside were three items. A small bow with an even smaller quiver which were holding six brightly lit arrows. When Rio went hunting with his father, his father gave his six arrows and said –
    “These arrows, in time will grow, as you get older, these arrows will get longer, they will adapt to you. If you concentrate you will never miss your target.” Rio never properly understood what his father meant by what he meant by what he said but at the time Rio was more interested in the deer they were trying to hunt.
    Rio took the Bow and quiver out of the chest and put the quiver on and put the bow on his shoulder while he locked the chest and shut the door of the smaller room.

    He stood facing the door which had claw marks in it. He heard more screams, he took a deep breath, removed an arrow from his quiver and his bow from his should. He knotted the arrow on the bow and moved towards the door.



  2. #2
    IncGamers Member Bloodedmayhem's Avatar
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    Re: Alaric by - BloodedMayhem

    This is the first half a page from my story "Alaric" which I have been writing the last few months. Any comments are welcomed
    Any comments? all welcomed

    Regards,
    BK,



  3. #3
    IncGamers Member Trekmaster's Avatar
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    Re: Alaric by - BloodedMayhem

    I've never been very good at english but i'll point out some things.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bloodedmayhem View Post

    Alaric


    Chapter One – The Reborn Child


    Rio stood next to the open door which had claw marks in them. He studied the door and pressed his finger into the wood. He looked around his room and nothing had moved, so the claw mark must have been made from outside of his room, or so he thought. He tried to look through the key hole but he could not see anything Isn't the door already open?. Rio walked back to his bed which was on the other side of his room. His bed was surrounded by long, dark red drapes which were hocked onto the roof above his bed. Rio had lived in luxury ever since his parents were named King and Queen of Masi.
    Masi use to be known as the world. It had four continents and each were never given a real name. People always referred to them as North, South, East and West. Then the darkness swept over the North and West continents.

    Rio sat on his bed thinking about the North and West continents which were now called Endeklun. He felt a sudden chill move down the back of his neck from just thinking about it, so he stopped. He stood up, shook his head and decided to go see someone about his door. As he got to his door he started to hear some noises that he didn’t notice before. The noises sounded like screams and things being broken More Detail maybe, glass?. As Rio was given a room that was not close to any other rooms as Rio enjoyed silence. This sentence seems detached somewhat.He leaned against his Edit: door to hear the sounds more clearly but they sounded just as dimmed as they did before he leaned on the door. Again as far as we know the door is still open It was either fear or courage that made Rio want to and This "AND" is unnecessary see what was happening. The halls of the castle were supposed to be completely quiet at this time of morning. The moon was still out but it was fading into the sky which means Edit:meantit was very early, too early for the servants to be awake.
    Rio walked over to a huge door which was in the back of his room. He opened the door and inside was a large room filled with books, cloths, robes and more items. Within the room there was a small chest on the floor. The chest had a royal symbol on the top and the rest was made from dark black leather. He pulled out a small key from his vest which was hocked Edit: hookedonto a small chain which was worn around his neck. He placed the key into the key hole and turned the key counter clock-wise three times and a small click came from the box. With the key still in the key hole, Rio lifted the lid of the box and inside were three items. A small bow with an even smaller quiver which were holding six brightly lit arrows. When Rio went hunting with his father, his father gave his six arrows and said –
    “These arrows, in time will grow, as you get older, these arrows will get longer, they will adapt to you. If you concentrate you will never miss your target.” Rio never properly understood what his father meant by what he meant by what he said but at the time Rio was more interested in the deer they were trying to hunt.
    Rio took the Bow and quiver out of the chest and put the quiver on and put the bow on his shoulder while he locked the chest and shut the door of the smaller room.

    He stood facing the door which had claw marks in it. He heard more screams, he took a deep breath, removed an arrow from his quiver and his bow from his should. He knotted the arrow on the bow and moved towards the door.
    Hopefully i've been some help at least



  4. #4
    IncGamers Member Bloodedmayhem's Avatar
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    Re: Alaric by - BloodedMayhem

    Thanks Trek
    I will have to look through my entire story now

    Regards,
    BK,



  5. #5
    IncGamers Member RevenantsKnight's Avatar
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    Re: Alaric by - BloodedMayhem

    Welcome to the Fan Fiction Forum, Bloodedmayhem, and sorry that these comments didn’t come sooner.

    On your chapter...I don’t mean to be a wet blanket, but the honest fact is that it needs a little work. Trekmaster makes some good points, as far as I saw, and I think there’re some other things that you may want to consider. Generally speaking, this feels too short to cover all of what you do touch on without forcing things along, and the result is that a lot of the narration moves from idea to idea suddenly, which makes it hard to read. There are also some grammar mistakes and oddly constructed sentences here; Trekmaster caught a few, but there are more and they do interfere with the reader’s ability to understand the story. If I’m reading this right, the story has a larger-than-Diablo scope, which is interesting, and I’m a bit curious as to what you’d plan to do with it, but the narration as it is and the mechanical errors mean that the reader needs to put in quite a bit of effort to pull out those details.

    That said, there’s always something in your power that you can do to improve your writing, so if you want to do that and can give the effort, you can make it happen. What I might suggest for improving sentence structures and narration is that you go find a relatively decent book, or maybe one you’ve read before and liked (and this is by no means the only way to work on your writing.) As you read it over, take note of any sentences or passages that sound good to you and play with them: try to write something that sounds similar but is about a totally different topic, switch out words in the original for new ones and see how it sounds, grab an old sentence of your own and shape it in a similar way. Do this for a couple of other authors, and then try writing a piece of your own, get some feedback on that, rinse and repeat. Given enough time, you should be able to build your own style out of various pieces from here and there, plus a few tricks of your own. As for the grammar stuff, you could always get a grammar book and hammer away at exercises until parts of speech and types of clauses ooze out your ears. Fortunately for those of us who’d run screaming at that, though, chances are that reading over those other sentences and working with them will give you a bit of a feel for this, and you can always look back to the books if you need to polish up a few topics later. Or not.

    ...I hope that didn’t come out too harshly, and if it did, it may help to remember that I’m just one person with an opinion that crawled out of my head, so don’t take me too seriously. But this is definitely true: writing well never comes easy, and the only way you’ll get better at it is by reading good writing and writing more, but that means everyone goes over some rough spots on the way. If you would find more detailed comments helpful, please let me know and I can see what I can turn up, though I’m a little short on time these days. Best of luck with your writing, and thanks for posting!




  6. #6
    IncGamers Member Bloodedmayhem's Avatar
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    Re: Alaric by - BloodedMayhem

    Hey RevenantsKnight,

    Thanks for the comments. The problem with sentencing sadly cannot be fixed so easily. I was diagnosed with Dyslexia a number of years back. I can write properly when I am really concentrating but when I let my mind write what I’m thinking, you can see what happens. I understand that I can’t let someone else help me and I must do it myself, to a certain extent. Although, I can be ok with paragraphing and such but the forums don’t seem to let me paragraph properly. Personally, I think playing on Battle.net a lot has not helped my grammar. The game Slang and such.

    I will look over the sixty pages of my book again and re-read it all.
    Thanks for the comments, nice that you didn’t bubble wrap it though, which I appreciate.
    Thanks

    EDIT - Going back to my point about paragraphing, some of the points that Trek pointed out were because of the Forums Paragraphing system.

    Regards,
    BK,



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