A Tale of Neglect: The Flavie Story

[spunky]

Hugging her cloak close to her throat, Flavie looked woefully at her now soaked bow string. She squints against the rain and remembers a time when she thought life with the rogues would be a life of fantasy and action.

Saved from her besieged town by a sympathetic Akara at the tender age of 12, Flavie learned the way of the bow quickly and earned the respect of the Rogues by bagging some stray fallen outside of camp at 15 years old. Not the best shot, she was known to require 5 or more shots to take down a single carver. Being quick to anger, she also earned the nickname "Freaky Flavie" and upon instigating several fights with other rogues, was assigned permanent Cold Plain watch.

Now shivering a little bit against the cold, she kicks at the mud at her feet and grimaces at the distant rogue camp.

"Maybe today I'll get relieved," she mutters, anything but hopeful.

She spots a lumbering zombie to her right and with much reluctance starts to pluck arrow after arrow at it's slow-moving form.

Out of nowhere a newcomer charges up to the zombie and fells it with a single swipe from his sword. His shield and armor gleam and she stares in wonderment at a magical, circular aura about his feet. He pauses a moment by the now decomposing zombie and then starts trotting towards her.

"Someone to talk to! At least!" Flavie breathes. Then out of the corner she notices the flag still waving above the fetid Den of Evil.
"Oh no! I hope he doesn't intend to wander into the Cold Plains! Akara made me promise to warn everyone who attempts to go further without first vanquishing every foe in that place."

By now the dark skinned warrior was face-to-face with her. She drew herself up to her full height, and with a commanding tone, she announced:
"Halt! I must warn you--" But she was interrupted in mid sentence as the mysterious stranger simply spun on his heel and ran off towards the Cold Plains.

"Well, I never!" Flavie snapped. "Of all the nerve."

Left alone again in the rain, Flavie wonders why no-one listens to her sage advice.

"I shouldn't have to put up with this kind of abuse," she mutters, idly remembering when the last time she had had a coffee break.

Looking again at the rain, the inviting camp, and the now disappearing stranger, she thought to herself:

"This sucks."

[0xDEADCAFE]

I liked this. All the times I've run passed Flavie and never once did I wonder what her story was. I definitely think you captured something interesting about her here. It was also nicely written except for a few errors, which I'll address below.

Hugging her cloak close to her throat, Flavie looked woefully at her now soaked bow string. She squints against the rain and remembers a time when she thought life with the rogues would be a life of fantasy and action.

The first sentence is in the past tense; the second in the present. Either is fine, but both in the same passage is something of a no-no. Best to pick one and stick with it throughout.

...and upon instigating several fights with other rogues, was assigned permanent Cold Plain watch.

The best line of the story; I quite literally LOL'd at this point.

"Someone to talk to! At least!" Flavie breathes. Then out of the corner she notices the flag still waving above the fetid Den of Evil.

Two things here: 1) Did you mean "At last!" and 2) Did you mean to say the corner of her eye?

She spots a lumbering zombie to her right and with much reluctance starts to pluck arrow after arrow at it's slow-moving form.

The possessive form of "it" is "its", not "it's."

By now the dark skinned warrior was face-to-face with her. She drew herself up to her full height, and with a commanding tone, she announced: ...

This whole paragraph is past tense, whereas everything leading up to it (except for the very first line of the story) was present tense. Again, choose one.

"I shouldn't have to put up with this kind of abuse," she mutters,

Now it's back in present tense.

idly remembering when the last time she had had a coffee break.

I think you need a "was" here somewhere.

Looking again at the rain, the inviting camp, and the now disappearing stranger, she thought to herself:

"This sucks."

I thought this was kind of a weak ending, but it certainly doesn't ruin the story. Overall it is a very novel idea and nicely presented. I suspect you could have done more with it, but you did manage to come up with one true gem of a line, so well done.


...assigned permanent Cold Plain watch. :cry:

[spunky]

wow, thanks for that. Looks like I'm quite a sloppy writer, the edits you made were great - I should have spotted most of them. The tense jumping is totally evident now.
Thanks for reading and critiquing. I might have another go at this one ...

[tedglines]

Spunky, I have always thought that Flavie seemed lost and alone out there, muddy and dripping in the Blood Moor rain, probably wishing those irritating little indians would come to visit (play some poker?). Flavie deserves a break. Send Gheed out there for a while. Rogues Union, Local 666, needs to send her out on strike.

Personally, I had no problem reading or understanding or being entertained by your story. I enjoyed it very much. Write on!

Ted

[RevenantsKnight]

I’m a bit late, I know, but maybe you’ll still find another pair of eyes useful, even if they largely agree with what’s been said. :smiley:

Overall, this seemed like a good idea for a story and a decent start; as mentioned previously, Flavie doesn’t really have much detail and this humorous approach to remedying that often makes for an amusing read. I do have to agree with 0xDEADCAFE’s points on the tense, though...while it’s certainly still readable, it was something that kept distracting me. Also, this sticks pretty closely to what one could observe about Flavie while playing the game, and while those elements are of course nice to touch upon here, it might be worthwhile to expand the scope a little more, either by playing off of more game quirks, such as Flavie wondering why all the other Rogues in the camp look the same, or just by making up some more details and such. Anyway, if you’d like more specific comments on this or on another draft, let me know and I’ll see what I can do. Thanks for posting!

[tuvard]

Im never going to run past Flavie again :undecided:

[charono]

I liked it a lot.....i can even hear her say "Halt".....