Ardent

[RevenantsKnight]

On Chapter 4: overall, this was an interesting shift, and I think that it worked as a character introduction. In terms of improvements, I thought the biggest trouble spots here were the transitions and detailing of the battle, though not because of any “who did what” issues. Rather, it felt to me that the narration jumped between events without giving the reader a clear idea of the events unfolding; for instance, I was never really sure when the duel actually started.

Unfortunately, that's all I've got for now, and that may be it for a while. Hope that helps.

[RevenantsKnight]

Gah...sorry it took me so long to get the specifics out. Anyway:

The fire burnt slowly as the circle of warriors gathered around its flames and the drums thumped ritualistically as the shamans chanted in preparation for the upcoming event, a duel, but not just any duel, a challenge between two of the strongest orc clans: The Warsong Clan and the Blackrock Clan.

While technically correct, “ritualistically” sounded odd to me in this particular instance. I’d suggest removing it from the sentence, since it’s also a bit redundant given the context. Also, the “The” before “Warsong” shouldn’t be capitalized.

He held out his hands and beckoned the others to stay silent, and as soon as the loud voices of the orcs had disappeared into the night he spoke out to them: “Tonight, my brethren, the Warsong clan,” he pointed towards a huge orc with many scars across his body and a particularly ugly looking one across his forehead, “challenges the Blackrock clan,” he pointed towards a smaller and slimmer orc, clad in a grey scale mail armour.

“Beckoned” sounds like the wrong verb to me, since it usually means a signal to approach. I’d use “motioned” in this case, personally. Less importantly, “disappeared” might or might not be better off as something else, because it suggests a visual image and sounds cannot be seen; it does make your point clearly, though. Also, the “a” before “grey scale mail” is unnecessary.

The orc warriors cried out to exalt the coming battle.

By itself, this sentence seems fine, but almost all the other sentences in this paragraph are structured very similarly; they start out with the subject-verb pairing and many are focused on one or two actions. This makes the paragraph read a lot like a list of actions, so I’d suggest varying the sentence structure every couple of sentences and perhaps combining one or two together.

The shaman left the improvised arena and gave place to the fighters.

“Gave place” felt awkward to me, and it also seems a bit redundant given the rest of the sentence. I might drop that last part entirely or reword it somehow.

He grabbed it and then he noticed a tall shadow on the ground.

The sentence before this one implies that he picked up his axe already, so saying “He grabbed it” here was a little awkward.

The slimmer orc got ready for the assault. He raised his shield and readied his sword for a swift counterattack.

This is one possible instance where two sentences could be combined to reduce the number of full stops and therefore give this a little more of a flow. Instead of using a period, you could replace it with a comma and word the rest of the sentence as “...raising his shield and readying his sword for a swift counterattack.” Also, “got ready” sounds a bit too informal as well as a little repetitive with “readied” later in the sentence, so I’d replace it with something else, perhaps “braced himself.”

The greater brandished his great axe and struck the ground powerfully, making the earth quake after the blow.

I think that should be “...with the blow” at the end there. Also, I think you technically need something like “orc” after “greater.”

He was a fierce warrior, one like the orcs hadn’t seen since the death of Grom Hellscream, leader of his clan, the Warsong.

I think you could cut everything after “Hellscream,” since all the rest of that drags down the sentence’s pacing a little. Additionally, “one like” sounds weird to me; I’d word it as perhaps “the likes of whom.”

The towering orc stopped for a moment and, for the first time, he spoke: “You blood drenched Blackrocks are an insult the horde and to the warchief!”

“Blood-drenched” is one hyphenated word.

“Let the drums sing the Warsong,” called out the far seer, and the drums soon started to thump again, to the metal clinging of the warriors’ weapons.

This seems too subtle for the beginning of the fight; the first time I read this chapter, I didn’t even realize that the orcs had started fighting until the next paragraph. As mentioned previously, there were a few understated parts and sudden shifts like this one, which were the main cause of confusion for me here. Also, “clinging” read weirdly to me, since I thought you meant “holding tight” at first, as that’s the usual meaning of the word. I’d use something else here to avoid confusion. Finally, I don’t think the comma after “again” is necessary.

The two orcs would fight for the honour of their clans, and in the name of the warchief, who several years ago had rallied the remaining clans and, through countless perils and great dangers, took them to the forgotten lands of Kalimdor, where they now lived.

I think the history details after “warchief” are good ideas, but they seem out of place here, in that they slow down the flow and pacing of the battle. Certainly, it’s worthwhile to remind the reader of some things from the game, but this doesn’t seem like the right moment for that.

The Blackrock had a hard time dodging or blocking the Warsong’s strikes, let alone attack.

As it is, “had a hard time” and “let alone attack” don’t quite seem to work together to me. I’d reword the first part to “had barely enough time to dodge...,” perhaps.

He had hardly swung his sword a few times in the whole fight, yet he didn’t seem worried at all; perhaps he was sure that he would win, or maybe he had accepted his fate.

“A few times” is unnecessary here, and “in the whole fight” seems like it should be “during the whole fight.”

The battle was constant and neither one of them seemed to be tiring; the great axe of the giant orc collided with the ground every time it was directed towards the other one’s throat, but the Blackrock as well was unable to hit the Warsong.

“As well was” should be “was also,” I think.

Mechanics aside, the image you describe here is a little confusing; an axe-stroke aimed at the throat seems like it would be horizontal, so the blade ending up in the ground was very odd.

“Why won’t you die?” The Warsong orc shouted as he struck the air, once again missing his opponent.

The first “the” should be in lowercase.

“What god would protect your demon worshiping hide?” The Warsong yelled with fury and then he struck again, breaking the Blackrock’s shield to splinters.

See above comment. Also, I think “demon-worshiping” is the correct spelling, though I’m not entirely sure (it’s not exactly a word that comes up often...)

“I have not offended you or your clan in any way!”

This part in general felt too removed from the scene itself because it’s a rather long stretch of dialogue and nothing else. I mean, from the narration right before this, all the reader knows is that the Warsong fighter just broke his opponent’s shield. That’s a rather dramatic moment, and leaving it hanging here feels awkward. I’d suggest adding in some narration describing the two warriors at points here, even if it’s just a quick look at their reactions, so that there’s more of a connection between these words and the rest of the scene.

“I descend from a noble family,” started the Blackrock, surprised of getting a chance to explain himself, “who has never lowered itself down to the worship of such foul creatures.”

I’d use “began” instead of “started,” since “started” has also the meaning of twitching in surprise. Given the context, that second reading seems plausible enough at first, so I’d replace the word to remove ambiguity. Also, “surprised of” should be “surprised at,” I think.

“The mannoroc blood haze has never had any hold over me!”

“Mannoroc” seems a bit questionable because its meaning isn’t particularly clear even if the reader remembers who Mannoroth was. I’d try rewording this to use the demon’s actual name, as opposed to a derived adjective.

“Don’t lie to me, demon worshipper,” bellowed the Warsong orc.

As previously mentioned, I’d hyphenate “demon worshipper.”

The great orc threw himself upon the Blackrock cleaving everything in his path with his great axe.

There should be a comma after “Blackrock,” and I’d change “upon” to “at,” because as it is, it implied to me that he slammed into the other orc. That might just be me, though.

“You aren’t tiring, are you, Warsong,” asked the Blackrock after noticing that that his adversary’s breathing had become heavier.

The comma after “Warsong” should be a question mark.

The Warsong warrior then hurled his axe towards with incredible strength: the Blackrock was saved more by accident than by his skills.

I think the colon should be a semicolon, and there should be something like “his enemy” after “towards,” because right now you don’t say at what the Warsong orc is throwing his axe. Alternatively, you could just delete “towards.”

He tripped over a stone, just in time to dodge the great axe, which could have easily cleaved his head of his shoulders.

That should be “...off his shoulders,” and the comma after “stone” is unnecessary.

The Warsong orc was not discouraged though.

There should be a comma after “discouraged.”

He picked up the remains of the shield discarded by his Blackrock adversary and threw himself on top of him; hitting the other repeatedly until the Blackrock orc had dropped the sword as well, then he put his hands around his throat and started strangling him.

The semicolon after “him” should be a comma.

The circle of warriors became small to the point that the fighters would have no room to manoeuvre should the battle recommence.

“Became small” sounded a little awkward to me, though I think it’s grammatically correct; you could use “shrunk” instead, if you so desire. Also, “point that” should be “point where.”

The massive orc rose up and let loose a cry of pain, yet he seemed unstoppable; he put his hands on the blade, and even though the pain was great, he extracted it and threw it to the ground spitting on it.

There should be a comma after “ground.” The second part of this sentence also feels a little wordy to me; I think you could cut everything before “even though” without really losing meaning, since “he extracted it” implies the preceding action. Also, “extracted” itself sounds a little technical, and I might replace it with a more precise wording, such as “he yanked the dagger free.”

The Warsong would strike the Blackrock with his bare hands until he would be dead.

I think “would be dead” should be “was dead.”

It was the voice of the far seer that commanded.

This sentence seems odd to me, since it feels as if there should be something after “commanded.” I don’t have any good suggestions for what to add to this, though...if you change this, I’d suggest rewording it completely.

The Warsong orc looked at the shaman somewhat surprised.

There should be a comma after “shaman.”

He knew that the Blackrock had proved himself a worthy foe and that he had shown great resourcefulness, yet he still asked himself whether his opponent should be left alive, after all, for all they knew, the Blackrock orc could be a spy sent by the humans.

The comma after “alive” should be a semicolon, I think. Also, “after all, for all they knew” seems a little redundant to me...I’d drop one of the two phrases, personally.

The far seer beamed at them and spoke using a paternal tone: “You two have fought a battle so fierce that its kind rarely seen, even by orc eyes.”

“Spoke using a paternal tone” seems a bit too much like a summary. I’d try to focus more on his voice instead of interpreting the scene for the reader; for instance, if you say that he spoke warmly and with a hint of pride, then the reader should get what you mean.

“I dare say he will,” added the giant orc, looking somewhat smug.

“Daresay” is one word.

“You should get that taken care of,” he said and pointed towards a small hut which bore a large sign that read: Healer – Potions and Bandages.

I’m not sure if using a colon here is technically correct; for a case such as this, I’d use no punctuation after “read” and put the sign’s contents in quotes. Of course, your version could well be right as is.

The Blackrock orc nodded comprehensively.

“Comprehensively” usually means “exhaustively” or “thoroughly.” I’d use a different word here so as to avoid confusion.

“And here he comes; I will leave you so he can speak freely.”

Grom’s trip to the healer seemed to be over rather quickly. Maybe it’s just me, but the speed at which he got better felt a bit forced.

The Blackrock orc felt happy about the peace between them: “And I too must admit that I was ready to give up and die; you are too strong for me…ah, I realize only now that I do not know your name, Warsong.”

Similar to a few previous points, I thought that the first part here felt too much like the narrator was explaining the scene instead of just presenting it to the reader. I have no doubt that Ul’dran would be happy with this occurrence, but I would try to show that through his reaction. I’d focus on a smile, or a nod made in greeting; with an appropriate action, the reader will get a better feel for the scene itself while also catching his feelings.

“I will never match his prowess in battle, said Grom, but I hope that I will at least be given a good death.”

There should be a set of closing quotation marks after “battle” and an opening pair before “but.”

The two shook their hands warmly and looked towards the other warriors: “There is peace between our clans!” They announced, and then started walking toward the inn for a drink, as any orc would do after a fight like that.

I’d make the colon after “warriors” a period, since all the rest of this could be one sentence. In that vein, the “They” after the speech should be in lowercase.

The troll that said it was the same one that had wished the Warsong good luck.

That should be “The troll who said it” since the troll is a person.

“Well, I wish you’ll never know me completely; dat’s for sure!” Grom and Ul’dran laughed.

The way this is worded, it sounds as if Grom and Ul’dran say this part. I’d suggest putting in a little more narration after the speech, so as to remove this possible point of confusion.

“And by deh way, my name’s Xen’jin; I’m one of deh hunters stationed here in deh Crossroads.”

Are Xen’jin and Xen’lo the same troll? It seems like you just forgot to change a name, but if they’re not, this needs some explanation.

“Throm’ka,” they saluted. ”It was good to meet you, Xen’lo, but now we have other things to do; we shall meet again.”

I’d just use “Grom” or “Ul’dran” here instead of “they,” because the image this suggests is both of the orcs speaking in perfect unison, and that’s just weird.

“You didn’t seriously think I’m talkin’ to you right now just because I like deh way you fight, did you?”

There’re a few inconsistencies here and there in the troll’s speech; if he doesn’t quite pronounce the “th” in “the” normally, he probably wouldn’t say “think,” either. Dialects and accents can be a bit of a pain for this reason, but if you’re going to use them, I suggest reading over every bit of dialogue after writing it to make sure that the accent is consistent, because otherwise it can look odd. The “th” issue in particular comes up a lot later, so I’m just going to suggest that you look over this piece for this. Let me know if you want me to point out specific examples.

“Orders? For me?”

I’d specify the speaker here, because there are two reasonable choices. While you could argue to some extent that it really doesn’t matter who says this, I think that’s a dangerous approach because you risk lumping the two orcs together as a single being in the reader’s mind. Since they’re obviously rather distinct individuals, I think that treatment would hurt your character development or at least be confusing.

“Ul’dran, didn’t you survive four years in the Alterac mountains, with nothing but your sword to keep you company?

Minor nitpick: there should be a closing set of quotation marks at the end here.

“I have done only what any orc would have done for the horde.”

“You, mon, are alive after all that killin’, and that makes you a hero of deh horde, and the warchief recognizes great warriors when he sees one.”

In both sentences, “horde” should be capitalized.

“That’s just great, mon; Now, deh orders.”

The “now” here should be in lowercase.

“Listen closely: You two, are to go to deh Bulwark, in the Tirisfal Glades, on the border with deh Western Plaguelands, where deh Scourge is currently laying a massive assault.”

“You” here should be in lowercase, and the comma after “two” is unnecessary.

“You’ll be doin’ it all for deh warchief; and I’m goin’ with you, too.”

The semicolon here should be a comma.

A note for the future: I can no longer promise that I will be able to comment with this level of detail on any further pieces. I will try to read anything you send up, though. Thanks for posting!