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  1. #1
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    My Opposite; My Exact

    Greetings, avid D2 fans -
    Here is a little something that I've started, and it will probably become quite large as I go on. This is my first stab at D2 fiction, so comments/criticism/suggestions are quite welcome and much appriciated. I only have a prologue and the first chapter written so far, but I essentially know where this story is going. If you would prefer a different format, it is archived over at ff.net as well at this link. Thank you for your time, and I hope you'll enjoy it.

    -Kate

    Disclaimer: I do not own anything Diablo or Diablo II related.


    My Opposite; My Exact

    She had stopped counting the days about a couple of weeks prior to her sitting up late, again, staring at the bonfire in the center of the Rogue’s makeshift encampment. The scent of smoke and embers were accompanied again by the faint smell of blood and death that the eastern winds bore to the camp. It was nothing that frightened her, but as the weeks had gone by, she had noticed this smell growing stronger and the number of Rogue scouts returning to camp became less and less. Unfortunately, to return to her home north, she first had to pass through the lands of the Monastery, which were as she was told unfit to travel to. She could take care of herself, she assured them, but they assured her right back that they could take care of whatever was ravaging their lands. The Rogue are idiots she sighed in her head as the caravan leader, Warriv, began to nod off, back propped up against a wagon’s wheel. They didn’t know who or what she was, and though part of her wanted to retain her anonymity, most was rearing to head out into the bramble wilderness and fix the problem herself. The only thing holding her back was the news she had eavesdropped on earlier in her stay. It was not hard to miss Kashya, and in one of the first very heated arguments with Akara, the fate of Tristram was told. Tristram, where the final battle was supposed to have ended. Tristram, where the demons were finally put to rest along with one of the greatest evils of all.

    It seems they were all wrong.

    Stuck in the God-forsaken camp certainly was not helping much, however. She yawned widely, hidden by a hand with graceful fingers. She leaned back against her chest of belongings and pulled some of her fur blankets about her closer. It certainly was getting colder as of late. Home seemed a thousand miles away, but on the same token, she was not sure that home was the best idea either. Someone stepping in front of her tent broke her from her concentration. Her eyes narrowed in the amber light being thrown from the fire, she studied the newcomer. He was male, young at that, and a little too tall for his weight. It was as if he had been stretched through the torso, the look of boys as they trek through the awkward phases toward becoming men. He was not a boy, however, just awkward. She guessed that he must have stood at least six or seven inches above her, but from her vantage she could have been exaggerating. His face was fair, at least the half that she could see. He had a strong jaw and a fine nose, though it looked like it may have been broken at one time or another. He wore a scowl but his eyes reflected concern, great worry, and the flames of the fire. He was covered in furs from head to foot, though as she looked closer she assumed they were all blessed by how they were carefully adorned with painted symbols, beads, and bones. An over-large raven was perched upon his left shoulder, visibly ruffled, and it called a warning as its eyes met hers. The young man’s vision snapped to hers, as she lay half-concealed in the darkness of her tent. His eyes, green eyes, looked at her with contemplation, and he frowned as he looked upon the pelt that she had wrapped about her from. Definitely a druid. She thought bitterly as he looked at her with accusatory eyes. He pulled the hood from his head to reveal dark auburn hair, and quite a length of it, that was tied back at the nape of his neck. She shifted as he still looked down upon her; her fingers itched toward the dagger, safe in its sheath strapped around her thigh.

    “Do you have something to say, or are you simply going to stare at me? I would like to get some sleep at some point tonight, and I cannot vary well do it with eyes upon me.” She spat. The look on his face simply changed to that of marginal amusement before turning his back on her and moving toward the left side of Warriv’s wagon. Though he was almost out of her view, she saw and heard a tent being put up before he settled his tall, lanky form within. The raven perched itself on one of the stakes and went to sleep. She assumed that its master had also, but as she shut her eyes, rest did not come easy. She felt him still awake and observing her somehow, and to an assassin, being watched is something that does not occur often. She finally drifted off into an uneasy sleep, knowing that a set of green eyes fifteen feet away were still reflecting the flames of the bonfire, and perhaps the silhouette of her tent.

    The next morning she awoke with a start as she heard yelling coming from the entrance to the encampment. She tossed the pelts aside with ease, and though groggy, she leaped up with her dagger at the ready, unsure of what she may meet. There was no immediate threat to the encampment, but two Rogues were hurrying into camp with a third held between them. She was bleeding profusely from a couple of head wounds and several superficial cuts and grazes to the rest of her body. The folk of the camp gathered curiously around Akara’s tent as she began to tend to the poor girls wounds. Kashya was visibly irritated.

    “Report!” She barked at the two untouched scouts.

    “The demons, they are upon us!” One replied nervously.

    “What?” Kashya asked in disbelief.

    “They have burrowed out a stronghold underground, seemingly overnight! They are nary more than a mile outside of camp, and slowly they have been spreading closer.” One of the scouts clarified.

    “What kind of beasts are we speaking of here? Like the others?”

    “No, not as terrible yet.” One replied.

    “But still! Spike fiends, zombies, fallens! All roaming the land right outside of here! Who knows what else is below in that burrow!” The other rogue cried angrily.

    “Silence!” Akara’s sudden words brought a hush to the murmur that was rippling to what was left of her people, “Obviously, something must be done. For now, I will tend to this one. Kashya, I want you to strengthen the defense outside of our encampment. There are travelers and those with great strength among us as I speak. I want any of those who feel that they are strong enough to vanquish this evil to find me tonight, here. Surely, someone here can undertake the horrors outside of our stronghold. Now be gone, and Heaven help us, someone will be strong enough to aid us.” The tired folk slowly wandered away from Akara, allowing her words to sink in to their minds.

    “Dierdre.” An arm clasped around her hand. She jumped and turned to her side to see Warriv looking at her dagger nervously.

    “Do not do that!” She snapped, annoyed, “Do you understand what I can do with this little thing?”

    “I am sorry, forgive me,” the older man looked amused, “I merely wished to speak with you.” Dierdre sighed and put her dagger back into its sheath. She felt eyes upon her once more, and raised her gaze to meet that of the stranger’s from the night before. An unpleasant shiver shot down her back.

    “Surely,” she tore her gaze from the young man and back to Warriv, “let us speak by the fire.” They retreated into the heart of the camp, she knowing that the young druid was following as well. He sat on the seat of one of his wagons while she patted one of the oxen on the top of its head, the beast penned safely. She leaned her hip against the fence and looked up at Warriv, aware that the newcomer was settling back down in front of his tent, the raven looking at her with a cocked head.

    “This certainly changes things.” Warriv began, sounding grim.

    “Were you not expecting it?”

    “Well, yes, I was, but I now am beginning to share your fear that the Rogue are not enough to battle this.”

    “So, what are you saying?”

    “Are you going to visit Akara tonight?”

    “Do you mean am I going to offer myself up to the Rogue tonight?”

    “Favors may not be in your nature, Dierdre, but you’ve been growing quite restless in this camp,” he chuckled, “and do not think that I am overstepping my bounds, mi’lady, because although you have only been here a short time, your nature is quite obvious to any who would take two seconds to speak with you. Gheed is downright frightened of you, in fact.”

    “As he should be, weasel.” She smirked as Warriv began to laugh. The green-eyed stranger was eavesdropping, and she was tempted to shout something foul in his direction, but for some reason unbeknownst to herself, she decided to let him listen.

    “But Dierdre, will you? Will you fight for the Rouge? As you have told me on more than one occasion, you are prepared to.”

    “Truth be told, Warriv, I am quite tempted,” she sighed, looking over at the gentle beasts penned next to her, “I’m ready to move on from here anyway.”

    “Then blessed be you,” he sighed, looking tired, “something needs to go well for a change, and perhaps you will be able to go home finally.”

    “Something tells me that if I get involved, I may never see home again.” Her smile was something that concerned Warriv.

    “Dierdre…” his voice trailed off in a fatherly tone.

    “Remember what any preacher would say,” she smiled at him, “’Death is only the beginning’, and if God has a path set out for everyone, I will be fulfilling it. Besides, we all just try to delay the inevitable, though some tend to hasten it.” She grinned in a coy way and he laughed knowingly. Warriv had been one in camp that truly tried to make Dierdre feel welcome from the day she stepped into it. She felt no harm in telling him who, and what, she was. He, in turn, regarded her with much respect.

    “Then God shall be proud of His children this day.”

    “Hopefully.”

    “So, you’ll be helping?”

    “I think I may, perhaps after I talk Charsi into mending my armor and blades.”

    “You know she will, such a kind girl she is.”

    “Will you go East again, Warriv, if this all passes?”

    “There would be no need for me to stay, and the wagons are laden for trade,” He smiled, “Besides, the Rogue will need resources from the East in order to rebuild here, if we do not get wiped off the face of this world first.”

    “I doubt we will, Warriv, now, off to Charsi.” Dierdre smiled at her friend before returning to her small tent. She opened her chest and removed some studded leather, a belt, heavy boots, and a helm, all nicked and rather worse for wear. She pulled a bundle from the bottom and carefully unwrapped it to reveal two wrist blades, shining and sharp, but also nicked and tarnished. She had not used any of her gear since the day she arrived in the Rogue Encampment. She pulled a bag of gold from the bottom as well and hefted her gear over her shoulder, ready to approach the blacksmith. She looked back for a moment and saw the green-eyed stranger whose gaze was riveted to the wrist blades that she held so lovingly in her right hand. For a moment she thought fear was upon his eyes, but at the same time there was a great disgust. She swallowed her angry comment and turned on her heel, marching deliberately to Charsi’s forge.

    Charsi worked fast with brilliant skill. Although she lacked her magical smithing hammer, Dierdre’s equipment had never looked so good. As she donned the armor and tied her wrist blades at her side, there was not a set of eyes in the encampment that could mistake what she was. It was probably more than a little unsettling to realize that an assassin had been living in the encampment undetected for so long. Her pale skin showed beneath the dark sepia tone of the leather. A metal hairpin, one of the sole remembrances from home, held her long black brown hair securely and out of harm’s way. She turned her honey-brown eyes to Akara’s tent, noticing the setting sun. It was now or never, that she knew, and with purpose she strode to the Healer’s tent.

    As she approached, she was surprised to see the lanky druid sitting quietly, eyes closed, in front of Akara’s tent. She blinked quickly before frowning and standing nearby. He opened his eyes slowly and eyed her. Before any words could be exchanged, Akara emerged from her tent. Her face drooped slightly at the turnout of two, but she sighed hopefully and looked at them both.

    “I am glad to see that the kindness of strangers falls upon the Sisterhood, but I am also sad to see that there are so few.” She nodded as if steeling herself, “Your name?” She asked as she looked at the young man. He stood swiftly, the raven beating its wings for balance.

    “Kellen Adair, mi’lady.” His voice proved his age, deep yet airy. He seemed confident, “I am a Druid of the Northwestern realms.”

    “That much is obvious, friend.” Akara smiled, “Do you have any experience?”

    “Pardon?”

    “In the fight, do you have experience in the fight?”

    “Well, no, none of yet, but I am trained and prepared.” He answered honestly. Dierdre held back a snort. He was nothing but a pup, as druids go.

    “Training is fine, but experience is what keeps one alive,” Akara seemed to have read her mind, “and what of you?” She turned her attention on Dierdre.

    “Dierdre Cam, Assassin of the Northeastern Guild.”

    “You have been in our camp for quite some time, I am guessing you cannot reach your homeland?”

    “No, the way is through the Monastery.”

    “Are you experienced?”

    “Yes, mi’lady.”

    “What have you done?”

    “Too much, mi’lady.” She answered truthfully. Akara sized her up.

    “You are young, I am sure young enough to have not learned everything.”

    “Not by a long shot, but I know how to fight, and I have.”

    “Then perhaps you can train this one.” She said, referring to Kellen. The prospect annoyed her before even truly sinking in. Playing nanny to an inexperienced Druid with a superiority complex? How fun.

    “I will learn quickly.” He spoke up suddenly, looking at Dierdre with a quiet thirst for knowledge. It took her back, so much so that all she could do in response was nod.

    “Tomorrow I wish for you to set out into the Blood Moor and vanquish the evil that is approaching our encampment. Our services, as usual, will be at your disposal. Some of the land has changed, so our maps may not be as reliable, I suggest you change them as you go. For now, go and sleep knowing that the Rogue is ever grateful for your help.”

    So she slept, but yet again, sleep was restless. She awoke some time after midnight and sat up, pulling the pelts off of her and stepping out of her tent, adjusting the tunic she wore. Unabashed of her bare legs, she lifted a water skin from the side of her tent and took a long drink. The ruffling of feathers woke her up further. She looked over to Kellen’s tent to see him rip his eyes away from her. The raven simply smoothed its feathers and fell back to sleep. The druid was getting on her nerves, but she would have to put up with him.

    “Why aren’t you sleeping?” She asked, “Tomorrow is going to be hard, downright dangerous for you.”

    “And why aren’t you?” He asked, looking into the fire.

    “I think it is because of some green-eyed druid who keeps staring at my tent while I try to.” The young man gained slight color for a moment, but did not move his eyes from the flames.

    “I am nervous to be around you.”

    “Finally, some honest answers,” she smirked, “I don’t blame you.”

    “Aren’t you insulted?” He looked up at her.

    “Why should I be?” She took another large drink, “It is not like my people should be trusted, anyway.”

    “You are… honest.”

    “Of course I am. Were you expecting someone completely devoid of morals?”

    “To my people, Assassins are.”

    “Well, perhaps you should not listen to everything they tell you.”

    “’Tis all I know.”

    “Then you have obviously not stepped out of your lands before, have you?” Her eyes narrowed slightly.

    “No.” His reply came softly after a moment.

    “Well, then you’re just going to have to trust me. I wont let you die.”

    “How can I be sure of that?”

    “Who else is going to protect you?” She snapped. He looked at his hands before bravely back at her.

    “I will protect myself.”

    “Eventually. For now, you need to sleep.” He looked at her skeptically, “Okay fine, tell me this pup, what reason would I have for killing you? Your blessed firs? Your loud-mouthed crow? Your tent which is not in much better shape than my own? I do not kill for nothing, Druid. Give me more credit than what your elders have planted in your head.”

    “Do…” he took a breath of courage, “do not be angry with me, please.”

    “I am not, but you have to understand what your words say to me.”

    “I will watch my tongue.”

    “I’m sure you will, but I could care less if you treat me like dirt,” she sighed, “right now, you and I both need sleep. As soon as you do, maybe I can finally get some rest.” She sighed and turned her back on him sharply and re-entered her small tent. She was rewarded a moment later by hearing him shuffle into his own and settle down. For the first time since he came to camp, Dierdre finally got a good night’s sleep.

    They awoke the next day before dawn broke. Warriv rose with them, and while they dressed and geared up, he made them breakfast which they ate gratefully. Dierdre pulled her hair back and fastened it, the shorter locks falling arrantly in her face. Her armor restored and her wrist blades gleaming, she finally felt the thrill of the hunt flow through her again. Her charge, however, looked to be a little less confident. Kellen, although lean, was quite a bit stronger than she. Charsi outfitted him in ring mail and gave him a large shield and a scimitar to wield. He looked a little lost as he stared at his feet. She smacked him on the arm with the blunt of her blade and nodded ahead; the Rogues were awaiting them in order to send them off.

    Akara gave them the most recent maps that she could offer, and Kashya did her best to brief them on the weaknesses of the possible creatures they would be facing. And finally, before reality could truly sink in, they were crossing the bridge into the Blood Moor, wondering what truly awaited them on the other side, with distinctly different attitudes toward their fate.




  2. #2
    Diablo: IncGamers Member RevenantsKnight's Avatar
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    0 Not allowed!
    Hrm...well, this is a start, to be sure, and I like that you’ve made two characters with a fair amount of detail, as well as built on Warriv a bit more. I do think, though, that this could still use some work; between a few formatting issues, grammar mistakes, and a somewhat dry and repetitive style, I found this a bit of a rough read. This looks quite workable to me, but it could also use some refining. Here’re some more specific comments:

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    She had stopped counting the days about a couple of weeks prior to her sitting up late, again, staring at the bonfire in the center of the Rogue’s makeshift encampment.
    The first half of this sentence read a bit awkwardly to me, because the idea of her no longer counting days feels contradictory to the statement of fact that she stopped a couple of weeks ago. Granted, “a couple of weeks” isn’t exactly precise, but the concept behind it doesn’t really work with “stopped counting,” in my opinion. Another comment I have is that “prior to her sitting up late” sounds unwieldy as part of an opening sentence; as a big goal here is to catch the reader’s attention, I’d suggest maybe moving the entire idea that she stopped counting days to somewhere later in the paragraph and using something more direct as an opening. Also, that should be “Rogues’,” as there are (presumably) multiple Rogues.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    The scent of smoke and embers were accompanied again by the faint smell of blood and death that the eastern winds bore to the camp.
    I’d suggest replacing the passive voice here (“were accompanied”) with the active voice, perhaps something like “mingled with” or “joined,” because the passive voice tends to be slower and less in-the-moment than the active voice, and since you’re trying to build a world around the reader, that detachment may not be ideal.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    It was nothing that frightened her, but as the weeks had gone by, she had noticed this smell growing stronger and the number of Rogue scouts returning to camp became less and less.
    This should be either “...and the number of Rogue scouts returning to camp becoming fewer and fewer” or “...as the number of Rogue scouts returning to camp became fewer and fewer.” “Less” properly relates to amounts, and “fewer” to countable numbers.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    Unfortunately, to return to her home north, she first had to pass through the lands of the Monastery, which were as she was told unfit to travel to.
    The last part here should have commas around “as she was told,” and I’d also revise it so it doesn’t end with a preposition (“to.”) Something like “...which were, as she was told, unsafe for travelers” would address this problem. Also, “her home north” seems off to me; I think that should be “her home to the north.”

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    She could take care of herself, she assured them, but they assured her right back that they could take care of whatever was ravaging their lands.
    I think this should be “she had assured them” and “they had assured her,” since this assuring presumably happened in the past relative to this moment, and the narration of the moment itself is set in the past tense.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    The Rogue are idiots she sighed in her head as the caravan leader, Warriv, began to nod off, back propped up against a wagon’s wheel.
    That should be “The Rogues are idiots, she sighed in her head...” and if you want to make the distinction between her thoughts and the narration clearer, you could put what she thinks in italics or something. Also, “back propped up” was a little confusing at first because I didn’t read “back” as a body part from the context; I might simplify it to just “leaning.” These paragraphs are also a touch on the long side, and blocks of text can make it easy to lose a reader; this is one possible place where you could break this one up, if you’re so inclined.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    They didn’t know who or what she was, and though part of her wanted to retain her anonymity, most was rearing to head out into the bramble wilderness and fix the problem herself.
    “Rearing” seems wrong here, as there isn’t a definition of that word that suits this context. Maybe “itching” or “anxious” would work?

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    The only thing holding her back was the news she had eavesdropped on earlier in her stay.
    This needs a little rewrite, since one can eavesdrop on someone else, but not on “news” per se. More importantly, I have no idea why this news is keeping her from heading out into the wilderness to fight; even if Diablo is loose again, she still has to get home, and it’s not like the Lord of Terror is likely to jump her if she steps outside.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    It was not hard to miss Kashya, and in one of the first very heated arguments with Akara, the fate of Tristram was told.
    This sentence was confusing, as I wasn’t sure who was arguing with Akara; the context suggests Kashya, but the reading itself is unclear. In general, I’d just suggest revising this again.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    Tristram, where the demons were finally put to rest along with one of the greatest evils of all.
    Nitpick: Diablo is a demon, so it sounds a bit odd to make a distinction between him and “the demons.”

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    It seems they were all wrong.
    That should be “It seemed that they all had been wrong,” in order to be consistent with the tenses, I believe.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    Stuck in the God-forsaken camp certainly was not helping much, however.
    That should be “Being stuck...”

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    She yawned widely, hidden by a hand with graceful fingers.
    Technically, this reads as if she’s being hidden, not her yawn. Something like “...her mouth hidden...” would work as a clarification.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    Home seemed a thousand miles away, but on the same token, she was not sure that home was the best idea either. Someone stepping in front of her tent broke her from her concentration.
    I’d break the paragraph between these two sentences, as there’s a definite shift between them. Also, “but on the same token” is a bit colloquial for narration; I’d suggest rewording that to something a little more formal, as too much of a familiar tone can hurt the storytelling atmosphere. “Broke her from her concentration” seems like it could just be “...broke her concentration,” as well.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    Her eyes narrowed in the amber light being thrown from the fire, she studied the newcomer.
    I’d replace “narrowed” with “narrowing,” because as it is, this can be read as two separate actions, and the context suggests that they’re simultaneous. Additionally, “being thrown” seems unnecessary to me; this would probably read just fine without those words.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    He was male, young at that, and a little too tall for his weight.
    “Young at that” sounds awkward to me; as far as I know, the expression is usually “and [something], at that,” with that something usually emphasizing a quality or observation mentioned previously. Given that, this doesn’t seem to work because of both the grammar and the lack of a connection between “male” and “young.” I’d just leave it at “He was male, young and a little too tall for his weight” or something like that.

    A general note about this description: this got a bit monotonous after a while, both because of its length and the style. Having done my share of long, detailed character introductions, I know that there are times when such openings seem like the best, but there are some details here that probably don’t need to be said immediately, such as the part about his jaw and nose. If possible, I’d try to move some of these bonus descriptions to other points later in the story, so it’s not quite so much all at once. Also, a lot of the sentences here are pretty similar in terms of their structure; I’d suggest rearranging a few of them so this feels a bit less like a list.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    It was as if he had been stretched through the torso, the look of boys as they trek through the awkward phases toward becoming men.
    Nice bit of description here, though the last part read a little oddly; “toward” seems like it might be better as “before,” but that could just be me. Also, trekking through a phase is sort of an odd image, so I might change the wording there a bit.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    He was covered in furs from head to foot, though as she looked closer she assumed they were all blessed by how they were carefully adorned with painted symbols, beads, and bones.
    I think that should be “...blessed, from how they were...,” though I can’t be sure.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    The young man’s vision snapped to hers, as she lay half-concealed in the darkness of her tent.
    The comma after “as” is unnecessary, and while I can appreciate the fact that you used “vision” instead of “eyes” here, I don’t quite think it works. I might use “gaze” instead, and if possible, I’d try to get rid of “to hers” through some revising; it’s a little repetitive to have it twice in two sentences when it’s being used for essentially the same thing.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    His eyes, green eyes, looked at her with contemplation, and he frowned as he looked upon the pelt that she had wrapped about her from.
    “From” seems like it should be “form” to me. I’d also see if you can’t replace or edit out one use of “looked” here, so this isn’t as repetitive.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    Definitely a druid. She thought bitterly as he looked at her with accusatory eyes.
    That should be “Definitely a druid, she thought bitterly...”

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    She shifted as he still looked down upon her; her fingers itched toward the dagger, safe in its sheath strapped around her thigh.
    “Still looked down upon her” sounded a bit odd to me, as my first inclination was to read “looked down” as contempt. It probably applies in this case, but since that’s not really the meaning that makes the most sense here, I’d suggest rewording this to avoid the possible confusion. Also, “itched” seems like it should be “inched” here.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “I would like to get some sleep at some point tonight, and I cannot vary well do it with eyes upon me.” She spat.
    That should be “‘...eyes upon me,’ she spat.” In general, things like “he said” are always part of a sentence with some dialogue, and if it follows a spoken part, the spoken part should not end with a period inside the quotes, but with a comma, question mark or exclamation point, as appropriate. Also, “vary” should be “very.”

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    The look on his face simply changed to that of marginal amusement before turning his back on her and moving toward the left side of Warriv’s wagon.
    He seems a bit too comfortable, or at least not unnerved, by Dierdre here and throughout this opening scene, which makes his later admission that she makes him nervous a bit hard to swallow. He doesn’t have to have a breakdown or anything, but it might be good to drop a hint or two towards his mental state, because as it is, he seems too in control and aware here for what he says later.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    She felt him still awake and observing her somehow, and to an assassin, being watched is something that does not occur often.
    That should be “...and for an assassin...,” and I might also change the second part of this sentence to focus more on her reaction to the situation, instead of mentioning a fact and leaving its effects on her implied. That way, there’s more of a chance to add details to Dierdre’s character, and it feels less like the narrator is summarizing the situation.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    She finally drifted off into an uneasy sleep, knowing that a set of green eyes fifteen feet away were still reflecting the flames of the bonfire, and perhaps the silhouette of her tent.
    I didn’t like the “silhouette of her tent” part, because it seems like you’re beating the point into the ground a little. The “green eyes” feel like enough to me. Also, “set” seems a bit odd here, since that usually refers more to constructed objects than body parts; I’d use “pair,” personally.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    She tossed the pelts aside with ease, and though groggy, she leaped up with her dagger at the ready, unsure of what she may meet.
    The end should be “what she might meet,” though I’d suggest cutting the entire last part, since it seems implied given the situation.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    The folk of the camp gathered curiously around Akara’s tent as she began to tend to the poor girls wounds.
    That should be “girl’s wounds.” Also, “folk of the camp” sounds too informal to me; I’d suggest replacing it with something else.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “Report!” She barked at the two untouched scouts.
    “She” shouldn’t be capitalized, for reasons mentioned earlier.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “The demons, they are upon us!” One replied nervously.
    “One” shouldn’t be capitalized, for reasons mentioned earlier.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “They have burrowed out a stronghold underground, seemingly overnight!”
    I didn’t like “seemingly overnight,” because it feels very much like something an actual person wouldn’t say; it’s one of those phrases that shows up much more often in narration or other written forms than in spoken English, as far as I know. I’d suggest just dropping it.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “They are nary more than a mile outside of camp, and slowly they have been spreading closer.” One of the scouts clarified.
    Aside from the fact that “one” should be in lowercase, and the period after “closer” should be a comma, the phrase “nary more” sounds awkward to me. I’d think that “nary a mile” would suffice, and besides, the specifics don’t matter an awful lot. Also, “spreading closer” doesn’t sound grammatically correct to me; “spreading” seems like the wrong verb here.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “No, not as terrible yet.” One replied.
    I think you can guess what I’d say here...

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “Spike fiends, zombies, fallens! All roaming the land right outside of here! Who knows what else is below in that burrow!” The other rogue cried angrily.
    Maybe it’s just me, but I thought that this Rogue’s speech sounded a bit too much like the narrator talking. She doesn’t need to give a laundry list of what’s out there, and I’d be a little surprised if these scouts managed to see all that anyway, since it sounds like they retreated in a hurry. As it is, I think all you really need to do is get across the idea that there’s a fair threat out there.

    Also, “the other rogue” should all be in lowercase. As this error shows up pretty much every time this sort of sentence appears, I’m going to stop pointing out specific instances of it past this point and suggest generally that you go over the story for these errors. If you need further advice or clarification on this matter, let me know.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    Akara’s sudden words brought a hush to the murmur that was rippling to what was left of her people, “Obviously, something must be done.”
    I’d make the comma after “people” a period, and “rippling to” sounded awkward...I’m not exactly sure what you meant there.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “Surely, someone here can undertake the horrors outside of our stronghold.”
    “Undertake” sounded like the wrong word here...something more like “defeat” seems better suited to this, since the relevant meaning of “undertake” is a bit obscure.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “Now be gone, and Heaven help us, someone will be strong enough to aid us.”
    In general, I’d stick with the Sightless Eye when it comes to the Rogues and deities or religious ideas/references, since they are technically the Order of the Sightless Eye. Having “help us” and “aid us” in the same sentence is also a little repetitive, I’d say.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    The tired folk slowly wandered away from Akara, allowing her words to sink in to their minds.
    Again, “folk” is a bit more suited to conversation than narration, in my opinion. If you think I’m not totally off my rocker, it may be worth switching it out for something else.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “Dierdre.” An arm clasped around her hand.
    It wasn’t clear at first who “Dierdre” was, and who you meant by “her”; I’d recommend clarifying this a little, if possible.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “Do not do that!” She snapped, annoyed, “Do you understand what I can do with this little thing?”
    The comma after “annoyed” should be a period; when you have two pieces of dialogue separated by something like “she said,” check and see if each piece is a complete sentence. If they are, the second one should be its own sentence.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “I am sorry, forgive me,” the older man looked amused, “I merely wished to speak with you.”
    As detailed above, the comma after “amused” should be a period.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    She felt eyes upon her once more, and raised her gaze to meet that of the stranger’s from the night before.
    That should be “...of the stranger...”

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    They retreated into the heart of the camp, she knowing that the young druid was following as well. He sat on the seat of one of his wagons while she patted one of the oxen on the top of its head, the beast penned safely.
    The “he” in the second sentence, grammatically, refers to the druid. Since that doesn’t seem to be the case here, I’d just use “Warriv.”

    (continued)




  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “This certainly changes things.” Warriv began, sounding grim.
    The period after “things” should be a comma.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “Well, yes, I was, but I now am beginning to share your fear that the Rogue are not enough to battle this.”
    That should be “the Rogues,” since there’s more than one of them.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “Do you mean am I going to offer myself up to the Rogue tonight?”
    See above comment. This is a general issue in the story, so I’m going to stop marking this particular error, and I suggest you take a look over this to make sure that the right form is in use in each case.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “Will you fight for the Rouge?”
    That should be “the Rogues.”

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “As you have told me on more than one occasion, you are prepared to.”
    I’d end this as “...prepared to do so,” since it’s best to not end a sentence with a preposition if you can do otherwise.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “Truth be told, Warriv, I am quite tempted,” she sighed, looking over at the gentle beasts penned next to her, “I’m ready to move on from here anyway.”
    The comma after “her” should be a period.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “Then blessed be you,” he sighed, looking tired, “something needs to go well for a change, and perhaps you will be able to go home finally.”
    The comma after “tired” should be a period, and “something” should be capitalized, as it starts a new sentence. Also, I’d move “finally” to after “will.”

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “Remember what any preacher would say,” she smiled at him, “’Death is only the beginning’, and if God has a path set out for everyone, I will be fulfilling it.”
    The comma after “beginning” should be inside the single quotation marks. A general note: while it’s certainly possible that some of the people in Sanctuary believe in the God of the modern world’s main monotheistic religions or a similar entity, Blizzard deliberately danced around any such references in all of their source material. It’s certainly possible to incorporate such elements into your story, but because of the background information and texts, you may have to work particularly hard at making them fit, since they probably won’t if you just throw them in.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    Warriv had been one in camp that truly tried to make Dierdre feel welcome from the day she stepped into it.
    That should be “...one in camp who truly tried...” and I’d word the ending part as “...the day she arrived,” since what you have now sounds a little odd.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “You know she will, such a kind girl she is.”
    I’m not entirely sure here, but the comma after “will” seems like it should be a period or a semicolon, and I’d put a comma after “girl.”

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “There would be no need for me to stay, and the wagons are laden for trade,” He smiled, “Besides, the Rogue will need resources from the East in order to rebuild here, if we do not get wiped off the face of this world first.”
    This seems like it should be two or three sentences to me, depending on whether or not you replace just the comma after “he smiled” with a period, or both commas. I think either would be valid.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “I doubt we will, Warriv, now, off to Charsi.”
    The comma after “Warriv” seems like it should be a semicolon to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    She opened her chest and removed some studded leather, a belt, heavy boots, and a helm, all nicked and rather worse for wear.
    “Some studded leather” sounds a bit vague to me, as it could mean anything from a small strip of leather to yards and yards of it. I’d word it as “a suit of studded leather” at the very least, and you could be more specific than that if you like. Also, this may have been a coincidence, but every item listed here is also an item in the game; I’d suggest changing one or two of these, perhaps by adding more detail, because otherwise Dierdre will sound more like a game screenshot than a character. Names, mechanics and other game elements are often best minimized to a degree, as the categories and definitions they create tend not to accurately represent a realistic world.

    A general note about this paragraph: the first part has a lot of repetition in terms of sentence structure. As mentioned previously, that can build a rather monotonous and list-like tone, so I’d suggest varying a few of them to some degree.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    She pulled a bundle from the bottom and carefully unwrapped it to reveal two wrist blades, shining and sharp, but also nicked and tarnished.
    “Shining” and “tarnished” seem too contradictory here. I’d change the latter to something that doesn’t negate “shining” by definition, such as “dirt-streaked.”

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    She looked back for a moment and saw the green-eyed stranger whose gaze was riveted to the wrist blades that she held so lovingly in her right hand.
    There should be a comma after “stranger.”

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    Charsi worked fast with brilliant skill.
    That should be “Charsi worked quickly and with brilliant skill.”

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    Although she lacked her magical smithing hammer, Dierdre’s equipment had never looked so good.
    I’d add something like “after Charsi was finished with it” to the end of this sentence; as it is, it seems a little incomplete grammatically.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    As she donned the armor and tied her wrist blades at her side, there was not a set of eyes in the encampment that could mistake what she was.
    “Set of eyes” sounded odd to me; I’d suggest rewording that, for reasons mentioned previously.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    It was probably more than a little unsettling to realize that an assassin had been living in the encampment undetected for so long.
    Instead of stating this as fact, I’d try to convey this idea by describing some of the other people’s reactions to this realization. To use a rather tired but still applicable suggestion, it’s best to show by describing what the reader might actually see or observe if s/he were actually there, not tell by just stating a fact for the reader in narration.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    A metal hairpin, one of the sole remembrances from home, held her long black brown hair securely and out of harm’s way.
    I think “black-brown” should be hyphenated, though “dark brown” might also work. Also, I think the beginning should be worded “one of her only remembrances...”

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    He opened his eyes slowly and eyed her.
    I’d replace or remove one of the eye-related words here, as this sounds a little repetitive.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    She nodded as if steeling herself, “Your name?” She asked as she looked at the young man.
    The comma after “herself” should be a period, and the second “she” shouldn’t be capitalized.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    He seemed confident, “I am a Druid of the Northwestern realms.”
    The comma here should be a period.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “That much is obvious, friend.” Akara smiled, “Do you have any experience?”
    The comma after “smiled” should be a period.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “Well, no, none of yet, but I am trained and prepared.” He answered honestly.
    The period after “prepared” should be a comma and “he” shouldn’t be capitalized, if you intend for there not to be a pause between the speech and “He answered honestly” when this is read aloud.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “Training is fine, but experience is what keeps one alive,” Akara seemed to have read her mind, “and what of you?”
    I’d make the comma after “alive” a period, and the narration here seems a bit incomplete to me, as the transition from it to the second spoken part is not clear. I’d revise this to something like “Read my mind, Dierdre thought as the older woman turned to her and said...” though that’s just me.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    She turned her attention on Dierdre.
    That should be “...to Dierdre.”

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “You have been in our camp for quite some time, I am guessing you cannot reach your homeland?”
    The comma after “time” should be a period or a semicolon, as the clauses before and after could each be a complete sentence separately. Using a comma to connect two complete clauses is a comma splice.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “Too much, mi’lady.” She answered truthfully.
    The period after “mi’lady” should be a comma and “she” shouldn’t be capitalized, if you intend for there not to be a pause between the speech and “she answered truthfully” when this is read aloud.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “You are young, I am sure young enough to have not learned everything.”
    The comma after “young” should be a period or a semicolon, as the clauses before and after could each be a complete sentence separately.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    Playing nanny to an inexperienced Druid with a superiority complex?
    “Superiority complex” sounds too modern to me; it’s certainly not something I’d expect any character to have heard of in this world. I’d suggest replacing it with something more descriptive in phrasing.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “I will learn quickly.” He spoke up suddenly, looking at Dierdre with a quiet thirst for knowledge.
    The period after “quickly” should be a comma and “he” shouldn’t be capitalized, if you intend for there not to be a pause between the speech and “he spoke up suddenly” when this is read aloud.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “Tomorrow I wish for you to set out into the Blood Moor and vanquish the evil that is approaching our encampment.”
    Pet peeve: in general, using the game names for areas sounds really silly. I mean, can you think of any other situation where someone might call a section of marsh “the Blood Moor”? On top of that, the Rogues just retreated here after the Monastery fell; they’re probably too concerned with other matters to give this area a name, and I doubt they’d have named this place earlier. This is Diablo II fan fiction, but a lot of stuff from the game just doesn’t translate well into a more realistic situation, such as a story.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “Some of the land has changed, so our maps may not be as reliable, I suggest you change them as you go.”
    The comma after “reliable” should be a period or a semicolon, as the clauses before and after could each be a complete sentence separately. Also, I’d drop “as” from “as reliable” or rewrite it to “...as reliable as before,” because “as” implies a comparison, and there isn’t one in the above sentence. Finally, the “changing lands” part seems like it should be much more surprising to the Rogues than they’re letting on, since that’s decidedly unusual. If that was just a nod to the random generation of areas in the game, then I’d drop it entirely, because again, not everything from the game translates well into a story.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “For now, go and sleep knowing that the Rogue is ever grateful for your help.”
    That should be “the Rogues are.”

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    The druid was getting on her nerves, but she would have to put up with him.
    This feels like something that should be shown through actions, instead of just spelled out for the reader. As it is, it doesn’t seem to fit well into the story, like it was just tacked on the end for clarity.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “Why aren’t you sleeping?” She asked, “Tomorrow is going to be hard, downright dangerous for you.”
    “She” should be in lowercase, and the comma after “asked” should be a period.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “And why aren’t you?” He asked, looking into the fire.
    “He” should be in lowercase.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “Finally, some honest answers,” she smirked, “I don’t blame you.”
    The comma after “smirked” should be a period.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “Why should I be?” She took another large drink, “It is not like my people should be trusted, anyway.”
    The comma after “drink” should be a period.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “I wont let you die.”
    That should be “won’t.”

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “Who else is going to protect you?” She snapped.
    “She” should be in lowercase.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    He looked at his hands before bravely back at her.
    This is a bit incomplete as it is; there should be a verb of some sort after “before,” which “bravely” apparently modifies. Even though “looked” would work there, you can’t just state the verb earlier in the sentence and assume it carries over to other clauses.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    He looked at her skeptically, “Okay fine, tell me this pup, what reason would I have for killing you?”
    Technically, this reads as if the druid says this, because this is presented as one sentence and the closest valid speaker is “he.” I’d suggest a general rewrite here. Also, there should be a comma after “this.”

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “Your blessed firs?”
    That should be “furs.”

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “Your tent which is not in much better shape than my own?”
    There should be a comma after “tent.”

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “I’m sure you will, but I could care less if you treat me like dirt,” she sighed, “right now, you and I both need sleep.”
    One of the commas around “she sighed” should be a period and the end of a sentence, I think.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    She sighed and turned her back on him sharply and re-entered her small tent.
    I’d see if you can’t revise this to use only one “and,” because as it is, it sounds a little like a run-on sentence (though I wouldn’t call it one yet.)

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    Warriv rose with them, and while they dressed and geared up, he made them breakfast which they ate gratefully.
    There should be a comma after “breakfast.”

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    Dierdre pulled her hair back and fastened it, the shorter locks falling arrantly in her face.
    I think you mean “errantly,” since “arrant” means “completely such.”

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    Her charge, however, looked to be a little less confident.
    “To be” is unnecessary here and should be deleted.

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    Charsi outfitted him in ring mail and gave him a large shield and a scimitar to wield.
    Again, I’d suggest describing this more than just saying “ring mail,” et cetera, because I assume you don’t want this to read like you’re showing the reader a screenshot of an inventory screen. The game system is all well and good as a game, but it’s really a bad representation of a world.

    Overall, this had a decent start on the characters, but too much showing and not enough telling, many grammatical errors, including a number of endemic ones, and an over-reliance on the game’s mechanics hurt this piece, in my opinion. I’d say that this could definitely use some work, but if you can get this refined, then the characters should stand out more and help this read better. Let me know if you want further advice, and thanks for posting!




  4. #4
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    0 Not allowed!
    Very good so far, apart from some minor typos. I hope to see more of this, hopefully in TDL. Just a few things, though:

    Quote Originally Posted by anira
    “I am a Druid of the Northwestern realms.”
    I'm not sure if you've read the game manuals at all, but I think something that would help the story would not be to give the characters "realms" - the makes me think of B.Net ("I am a druid of USWEST" "...what?").

    The Druids come from the forests surrounding Scosglen - you could have Kellen say "I am a Druid from the forests of Scosglen." Same thing with Dierdre - the Assassins are part of a guild called the Viz-Jaq'taar, so "Assassin of the Viz-Jaq'taar" would be more appropriate.

    Oh yes, and just to add to that: The Rogues are also known as "The Sisters of the Sightless Eye", another name to add if you wish to help the story in that way.




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