I'm going to be completely honest here and speak candidly about fairly personal things, but by all mean, feel free to make whatever bad joke you feel are innapropriate.
First of all, for those of you who don't keep track of things, I'll be 26 this year so I doubt this is one of those phase-thingies I've heard so musch about.
When I was younger I had a few homosexual experiences. I aslo had a pretty major crush on a friend of mine when I was about sixteen, but since he was a very good friend I didn't feel like I could act on it. It was pretty painful, and ended with me almost starting to hate him. I didn't understand why at first but later I figured it to be some form of frustrated reaction. I'd felt attracted to guys earlier, but nothing of this caliber.
After that I figured it was just a one time thing, some sort of weirdness that can happen to anyone who doesn't have too many sexual hangups. Or that Jesus had cured me or something.
I've always been attracted to girls who wear some sort of male attribute. Girls in male clothing, short hair, et cetera. This I figured was some sort of fetish.
Lately I've become more and more attracted to men. I can't say I've felt love for any man since that one instance almost ten years ago. I am, however, very attracted to men sexually and I have day dreams about real relationships with men. I've felt this way for years, but it's getting harder and harder to ignore.
I've had a bunch of girlfriends. Most of my relationships have lasted about two months. After that I've become sick of the girls and unable to stand their company. My only two longer relationships have been with girls I've really really liked, but I'm not sure I've loved them. They've both been highly intelligent, beautiful, funny and kind. Easy to like, in short. I've missed them after breaking up, but at the same time I was sort of relieved when both relationships ended. That's not how it's supposed to feel, is it? Also, I haven't loved them in that obsessive, almost painful way that I felt for my male friend. Both of those relationships were filled with all kinds of trouble by the way, and both of the girls have said afterwards that I'm a great friend but a worthless boyfriend.
I have been single for about a year and a half now I think, and I have no desire to get a girlfriend. I feel completely uninterested in the whole relationship with a girl thing.
Now, the obvious question is this: Am I coming out of the closet to myself?
This is really confusing me since I've never been that adverse to the idea. I always just figured I was straight with a sexual attraction to men (a pretty common thing I understand), or bisexual at the most. Is it possible that I've been hiding something like this from myself for this long?
I'd like it if the *** posters here could share their experiences. I'm grateful for any input though.
No jokes about that last sentence please.