Shadow of Hope

[Tohron]

Since I'm still editing Chapter 2, and just got back from a week-long vacation, I've decided to post Chapter 3 for revision, but first, I'll get to Ikeren's comments:

It's nice to have someone reviewing my entire story for a change. I have already recognized some of your points, and will comment on them individually.

1- About character invincibility, the thing is, the Keirions have such a technological advantage over there foes that they can strike without taking any serious damage. I am planning on making the battle with the hybrids in upcoming sequels a serious fight, and there will be Elite Squadron deaths. As for this story, I suppose I could get them a bit more "scratched up", and make some tasks more difficult.

2- About characterization, I didn't really notice this story was lacking in it - thanks for bringing that up. I've now thought up some revisions to bring their personalities out more, and am planning additional modifications.


Chapter Three

As Tohron raised his head to a twilight sky twinkling with stars, he could feel that something had changed. Sure, it had only been ten minutes since the news had arrived, only ten minutes since he had learned that the Confederacy was launching a massive strike at the outer colonies of the Umojan Protectorate, and only hours since his homeworld had been chosen as an invasion target. But already, as he looked out into the setting sun, that he could truly feel the approaching danger.

A small breeze passed by, stirring the scrub brush and throwing a cloud of sand against his hoverbike. The sound caused Tohron to remember his duties – he headed back to his home for a moment, returning with a small bundle of electronics. Now he was racing out to the Vulture, as the sun began to sink behind the distant mountains. While Tohron slammed down on the accelerator, shadows started to fall, stretching slowly across the plains, heralding night.

Tohron was racing straight to Ground Zero – there could be no further delay. If their small group hoped to aid the defense of their world, the time to do it was now. He found himself once more testing the limits of his hoverbike’s speed; he would have to remember to improve the machine sometime…

The canyons rose out of the gathering gloom, more dark and forbidding than ever. Tohron had no choice but to decelerate as he approached the barriers of rock, for by now, infrared scanners and sonar equipment were his only eyes and ears. Speed would mean nothing if he killed himself achieving it.

After what Tohron viewed as far too long, his navigational computer instructed him to turn right and prepare to halt. Moments later was stepping out, and ahead of him, another person was doing the same. Tohron’s now-activated searchlights identified that person as Caithar, who had arrived at almost the same time. The two were relieved to see each other, but as they passed through the hallucinary barrier, they remained silent, aware of what they were about to do, and despite all their abilities, worried.

Ihyona was sitting in front of a computer, whose glowing monitor was the only source of light in the room. She turned slowly around, her face pale, then spoke.

“The fighters are ready. The warp rift in the hanger can take you to the upper levels of the atmosphere. You’ll have go on from there. I’ll be in radar contact with you, and will operate the sensory equipment.” Her voice was barely audible, and as soon as she had finished speaking, she rapidly turned back to the screen. Tohron and Caither stood still for a moment, then quietly turned and walked into the hanger area.

The warp rift at the far end had been activated, and its white glow projected silhouettes of light and darkness over all the spaceships present. Caithar selected a Penetrator, a silver black fighter with specialized assault blasters able to override almost all forms of energy-based shielding, and with a cockpit bearing missile launchers and a single torpedo.

Tohron looked for other qualities in a vehicle – he chose a deadly, highly maneuverable starfighter called a Black Widow, which bore four beam projector-equipped jet black prongs attached around a central cockpit. The ship’s small but threatening form contained more than enough supplementary weapons to handle most attacks.

Without a word, they climbed into their pilot seats, and turned on the power, leaving them confined in the middle of countless glowing panels, each one displaying either a sensor readout or some detail about the state of their ship. Anyone other then they would have been at a complete loss on how to control their sophisticated machines.

With a hiss, their cockpit windows were sealed shut, and they were locked in. Their ships were now their only means of survival. Tohron wished for a good outcome to this battle, but the future remained invisible. This was to be his their experience of combat, and despite all their equipment, all their training, it might also be his or Caithar’s last.

Tohron was temporarily pressed into his seat as the Black Widow’s repulsor equipment engaged rapidly. Cautious, Tohron squeezed the throttle, scooting his ship towards the warp generator, with Caithar directly ahead of him. The rift ahead was now pulsing brighter than ever, but all it contained was a beginning, not an end. As Caithar’s ship dissappeared ahead, Tohron felt a sudden urge to slow down, stop, and leave, to never return. He got past it, but the burning chaos of warpspace granted him no repreive from his own fear.

Finally, he emerged into the upper atmosphere of his homeworld, with Caithar right ahead of him. Below, vast expanses of desert and enormous mountain ranges unfolded, vieled by the shadow of night, but not invisible. Far apart, but still present, were the tiny points of light indicating cites. The view was magnificent, and Tohron’s concerns began to fade for the first time. As the light of his world’s only sun shone at his back, he shifted the throttle to full speed, and sat up, ready at last for the battle ahead.

Metallic shapes were becoming visible in the distance. Ihyona spoke over the comlink once, informing them that the two fleets would engage in only a few minutes. After her voice stopped, Tohron checked his onboard computer – they were only 2.5 kilometers away from the battlefield.

Thirty seconds later, Ihyona’s voice came on again. “I’m tracking a small group of Confederate Wraiths breaking away from the main group, heading in your direction,” she stated, her voice serious. “I think you’ve been spotted.”

“They’re mine,” Caithar said, sounding completely relaxed.

T-shaped fighters joined formation ahead, and Gemini Missiles were loosed. Tohron twisted his joystick, spinning aside as blurred metallic shaped passed rapidly by.. Meanwhile. Caithar was pumping out a steady stream of blasterfire, destroying two enemy ships on his first pass. They both performed 180-degree turns, as their Wraith oppenents did the same. Their two ships twisted smoothly around, catching the enemy in mid-turn. Without hesitation, Tohron activated his primary weapons, shredding two foes with focused beams of energy. Three shots from Caithar’s Penetrator finished off what was left.

“You feeling alright there?” Caithar asked, as they pulled toward the main battleground.

“Fine,” Tohron replied focusing on a cluster of enemy battlecruisers charging their Yamato Cannons. “You?”

“Of course,” Caithar responded.

Acting with lightning speed, Tohron made a move. Accelerating to maximum power, he began launching feedback charges at the Confederate prows, while evading a deluge of laser blasts coming his way. The charges engaged one by one as he finished his maneuver and he did a reverse thrust over the enemy battlecruisers, now being fried by their own weapons.

He linked up with Caithar just as an immense swarm of single man vehicles merged into a pursuit. The two of them rapidly pitched upward, and performed evasive manuevers at lightning speed, as clouds of missiles and burst lasers kept them literally surrounded.

Tohron knew when enough was enough. Working fast, he released a succession of EMP mines, while his fighter’s shielding buckled from several close hits. As the mines detonated, disabled ships started piling up into one enormous cloud of metal. Caithar wheeled around and released his own swarm of missiles at the former hunters, leaving behind only a dispersing column of fire.

As the remains of their foes drifted apart, they returned to where the action was. After passing rapidly through a mass of dogfighting Wraiths, they came upon an approaching enemy battlecruiser. “Ahh, this should be good,” Caithar reported over the comlink.

**************************************************

The Commodore watched as the enemy ship drew nearer. “Focus fire,” he ordered calmly. Laser batteries opened up to the intruder, but it dodged the blasts with apparent ease. As the ship entered a reasonable firing range and still did not attack, the leader of the Battlecruiser realized what its target must be attempting.

“Maximum shields to the bridge!” he shouted. An assistant obediently followed his instructions, but then reported, “I’m afraid they won’t activate, some sort of energy disturbance.”

Eyes widening in horror, the Commodore roared “Run!” as a missile sped toward his ship’s nerve center. They were the last words he ever said.

**************************************************

As Caithar crippled the enemy battleship, Tohron was working to destroy the defensive turrents on an enemy support frigate. Although the ship’s design was obsolete even by Confederate standards, the task still required close attention, because his fighter would not last long against focused fire from the vessel’s entire defensive system. Something felt wrong though – he had not encountered any opposing fighters since he had started on his precision task. Perhaps this ship was deemed to not be worth defending, but…

The strange feeling in his head suddenly intensified, as Ihyona’s voice came in over the comlink. “Yamato at 12 o’clock!” she shouted, her voice bordering on a scream. As a mass of pure energy flooded outward from the fore of an approaching battlecruiser, Tohron sent his fighter spinning sideways, beams of yellow-orange energy encircling his ship. His vehicle quaked under the barrage, as energy reserves plummeted alarmingly. When it was over, his shield generator was strained almost to the breaking point, leaving him nearly defenseless.

Knowing that any further combat would risk destruction, Tohron rapidly moved to disengage from battle. Unfortunately, two Wraith pilots had other ideas, and he was soon weaving desperately through ally and enemy alike dodging an unending stream of burst lasers. As Tohron sent his fighter plunging downward behind the central framework of a Confederate battleship, he sent a call for help.

“Caithar, I’m being pursued by enemy fighters. I can’t shake them off, and my shields are almost down. I could use some help.”

“Roger that,” Caithar answered, locking on to Tohron’s signal and turning away from the damaged battlecruiser he had been pursuing. Some things were more important than defeating a foe, and friendship was one of them.

As Tohron boosted across the engines of a capital ship, he heard the sounds of plasma bolts striking his pursuers. A few seconds later, hostile fire had stopped and Caithar was pulling up alongside him, his fighter looking scarred, but otherwise unharmed.

“So how exactly did you get into that?” Caithar asked. “You were supposed to be the careful one.”

“An enemy battlecruiser managed to sneak in a Yamato blast. Fortunately, Ihyona was watching and I missed the full impact. Good thing too…”

“So what will we do now?” asked Caithar, as warships began thinning out ahead.

“My shield probably won’t last long in open combat, I’ll see if Ihyona has any targets outside the main engagement.”

Tohron redirected his communications systems toward Ground Zero, but before he could send a message, Ihyona delived one to him.

“A few, minutes ago, I tracked a formation of dropships breaking away from the main attack force, with a small group of fighter escorts. I think the Confederacy is attempting a sneak attack on the planetary surface.”

“Well, the timing couldn’t be better,” Caithar answered. “Go?”

“Affirmative,” Tohron stated. As they pulled toward the new reading on their display screens, Tohron finished with “We’re on it.”

At the speed they were going, it did not take long for the drop force to become visible. The sun was almost entirely hidden now – only a small sliver of light now could be seen burning through the planetary atmosphere, turning the neosteel plating of the Confederate dropships into tarnished silver. Seeing victory so close, Caithar pulled ahead, shouting “It’s time to end this!”

“No.” Tohron’s words were an order. “Attacking now will only alert them to our presence, and allow them to escape. We must be quiet.”

Caithar at first failed to heed his command. The Penetrator he flew continued streaking toward its ignorant prey, seeing only weakness.

“Caithar, I repeat, stop this! It’s for the good of the planet, besides, I have a better plan.”

Caithar ceased advancing, but not without regret. “You and your ‘better plans’,” he muttered into the comlink. “And I was there saving your life a moment ago.”

Tohron ignored his friend’s harsh words, instead focusing on the task at hand. After a few rapid calculations, he sent 40 small electromagnetic probes floating in the direction of the Confederate ships, which remained unaware of their pursuers. A surprise was en-route, but by the time their targets knew what had transpired, it would be too late.

One by one, the magnetic robots attached to Confederate hulls, waiting silently for an activation signal. Meanwhile, Tohron monitored their status from the Black Widow’s cockpit, and Caithar waited impatiently in his Penetrator. Once the display showed that all the probes had found a ship, Tohron activated their magnets, and watched the ensuing chaos.

First slowly, then at an accelerating pace, the enemy ships drew together. Pilots attempted to turn their vessels away, but the pull was too strong – Tohron had seen to that. In under a minute, the drop force was one huge mass of metal, electronics, and jet fuel..

His plan nearly complete, Tohron activated the last step. “Caithar, you are free to open fire.”

His voice sounding impressed despite himself, Caithar answered with “My pleasure,” and sent his ship boosting toward the enemy, while a torpedo of his rocketed forward at an even greater speed. Their two ships both started moving faster and faster, while pulling away from the massive explosion that would soon occur. They both saw the torpedo disappear from view behind its intended target, and waited.

An enormous shockwave left their ships vibrating wildly, and the space behind them was overwhelmed by a fireball of blinding intensity. Fragments of the Confederate ships went shooting outward, none of them larger than two feet in diameter. With their mission complete, the friends returned to Ground Zero, and then rest.

[RevenantsKnight]

A few things before I get started on Chapter Three:

1- About character invincibility, the thing is, the Keirions have such a technological advantage over there foes that they can strike without taking any serious damage. I am planning on making the battle with the hybrids in upcoming sequels a serious fight, and there will be Elite Squadron deaths. As for this story, I suppose I could get them a bit more "scratched up", and make some tasks more difficult.

Just based on Chapter Three, I can see why Ikeren made the comment he did. Even though Tohron does take a hit, it is a massive one and the fact that it doesn’t damage any of his crucial systems, such as his engines or life support, but instead gets entirely soaked by shields seems to suggest an unrealistic advantage to me. Additionally, the way Tohron and Caithar just hose down any and all targets in a matter of seconds after engaging is, frankly speaking, difficult to believe. This is pretty similar to the issues I have with the three’s extremely advanced technology and resources, but is probably much easier to change, so I’d suggest having them do less damage or actually getting in close dogfights and things like that; such elements suggest a challenge and if the only black spot on their after-action report is one lucky hit on Tohron’s fighter, then it will still seem like they can torch anything mere mortals can send against them.

2- About characterization, I didn't really notice this story was lacking in it - thanks for bringing that up. I've now thought up some revisions to bring their personalities out more, and am planning additional modifications.

I was giving you the benefit of the doubt on this one because I’ve read so little, but if the amount of attention your characters get doesn’t increase significantly in later chapters from what I’ve seen so far, then I second Ikeren’s comment, especially since they are more than normal people; that inherent separation between them and the almost certainly normal reader makes it harder to relate to them and care about what happens.

As for Chapter Three, a lot of what I have to say is above, though one other general thing that bugged me was that this chapter did not connect well with the rest of the story. As far as I could tell from the previous chapters, there wasn’t a large chance that the Confederacy would invade the Protectorate and so this came out of nowhere, as if you’d dropped it in just to let Tohron and company run wild. The fact that there’s not much on things that don’t immediately concern the three, such as mentions of the Umojan forces, an idea of why this world is militarily important, what the outcome of the overall combat was, et cetera, makes this feel further detached from the world and more like a showcase. Additionally, I have no idea how much time has passed between this and Chapter Two or what became of their experiments, which doesn’t help the transition. This also felt noticeably sloppier than most previous chapters in terms of grammar and spelling; was this a little rushed? Those points aside, the description of the action itself is all right, other than a tendency to over-summarize. Some specific comments:

As Tohron raised his head to a twilight sky twinkling with stars, he could feel that something had changed.

This is a pretty nice opening sentence by itself, but in context, it feels sort of like a “well, duh” statement. As the context is probably harder to change, I’d suggest changing the focus of the sentence to something else.

Sure, it had only been ten minutes since the news had arrived, only ten minutes since he had learned that the Confederacy was launching a massive strike at the outer colonies of the Umojan Protectorate, and only hours since his homeworld had been chosen as an invasion target.

This felt like a forced attempt to provide some sort of background. In all honesty, it isn’t enough, and the blunt manner in which it’s presented does not read well. To help set this up, I’d drop more hints in previous parts that trouble’s brewing between the Confederacy and the Protectorate. For this part, I’d try to get this information across without saying “it had been ten minutes since the news arrived” because that feels too much like spoon-feeding the reader; something like “It had been ten minutes since the distant air-raid sirens in Chaucaron Station had begun to wail” does more to set up the scene while also getting across the message that they’re under attack. More generally, I think you just may have to spend a little longer getting this across, because this seems hurried. As a writer, I can understand if you were rushing through this part to get to writing the battle, but from a reader’s perspective, this needs more attention.

On a totally different note, starting with “Sure” sounds too conversational for the narration.

But already, as he looked out into the setting sun, that he could truly feel the approaching danger.

I might describe this feeling a little so that it isn’t so vague from the reader’s perspective. What’s different here from when he’s just sitting around the house?

The sound caused Tohron to remember his duties – he headed back to his home for a moment, returning with a small bundle of electronics.

Minor nitpick: I’d change “back to” to “back into,” since he seems to be at his home here and the former suggests he isn’t right outside his door.

Now he was racing out to the Vulture, as the sun began to sink behind the distant mountains.

The comma after “Vulture” is unnecessary.

The canyons rose out of the gathering gloom, more dark and forbidding than ever.

I think that should be “darker and more forbidding.”

Moments later was stepping out, and ahead of him, another person was doing the same.

I think you meant this to be something like “Moments later, he was stepping out of his Vulture, and ahead...”

Tohron’s now-activated searchlights identified that person as Caithar, who had arrived at almost the same time.

The part after “Caithar” is redundant, given the previous sentence.

The two were relieved to see each other, but as they passed through the hallucinary barrier, they remained silent, aware of what they were about to do, and despite all their abilities, worried.

“Hallucinary” is not a word. If you want something similar, “hallucinatory” works, though I’d use “illusory” on the grounds that the former sounds overly attached to the game terminology.

“You’ll have go on from there.”

That should be “...have to go on...”

The warp rift at the far end had been activated, and its white glow projected silhouettes of light and darkness over all the spaceships present.

I don’t think you can have a “silhouette of light,” as they’re usually dark shapes on a light background, and at any rate are always outlines of solid objects. “Shapes” might work here.

Caithar selected a Penetrator, a silver black fighter with specialized assault blasters able to override almost all forms of energy-based shielding, and with a cockpit bearing missile launchers and a single torpedo.

“A cockpit bearing missile launchers” is a bit of an odd image, as it implied to me that they were on/very near the pilot’s canopy, and even in the latter case, there wouldn’t be enough room for ammunition or protection from the missiles’ engines. Additionally, “override” sounds weird to me (I might use “pierce” instead) because “override” is usually more of a controlling action as opposed to an offensive one, and “silver black” should be one hyphenated word. I’d also either imply that the fighters’ names are unique to each craft (“Caithar selected the Penetrator”) or not name them at all, because “a Penetrator” sounds like a model name, and the idea of these three mass-producing their designs at Ground Zero is frankly ridiculous.

Anyone other then they would have been at a complete loss on how to control their sophisticated machines.

I’d cut this sentence, because it just emphasizes the fact that Tohron and Caithar are different from all the other people in the world. By this point, I’m well aware that you want to portray them as special; this is beginning to feel like a little much. If you do keep it, though, “then” should be “than.”

This was to be his their experience of combat, and despite all their equipment, all their training, it might also be his or Caithar’s last.

I’m not sure what you meant by “his their experience.” “...their first experience,” maybe? On a bit of a side note, if “all their training” is a factor, who trained them?

Tohron was temporarily pressed into his seat as the Black Widow’s repulsor equipment engaged rapidly.

Er...by “repulsor equipment,” do you mean “engines”?

As Caithar’s ship dissappeared ahead, Tohron felt a sudden urge to slow down, stop, and leave, to never return.

That should be “disappeared.”

He got past it, but the burning chaos of warpspace granted him no repreive from his own fear.

This wasn’t entirely clear to me, as I was never sure when Tohron actually went through the rift, and the description of warpspace (if there was one) was too short to really suggest anything. I’d advise expanding this part a bit so that the reader can get a better handle on things. Also, “reprieve” follows the “I before E” rule.

Below, vast expanses of desert and enormous mountain ranges unfolded, vieled by the shadow of night, but not invisible.

“Veiled” is E before I, funny enough (it probably falls under the same category as “neighbor.”)

[RevenantsKnight]

Metallic shapes were becoming visible in the distance. Ihyona spoke over the comlink once, informing them that the two fleets would engage in only a few minutes.

Other than the implication that there are Umojan Wraiths in the dogfights mentioned later, this is the only time you mention the Protectorate’s navy.

After her voice stopped, Tohron checked his onboard computer – they were only 2.5 kilometers away from the battlefield.

I’d think that would be in range of most weapons systems, or at least Gemini missiles; modern Sidewinders, which are considered short-range air-to-air missiles, have a 1 to 18 km effective range, and long-range AIM-54 Phoenixes top out at 100-120 miles. Also, after thirty seconds at any appreciable speed (which I assume they meet because the last you said about them was that they were throttling up,) they’d probably be in the middle of the fighting. You’d probably be better off not specifying a distance to avoid technical headaches here.

T-shaped fighters joined formation ahead, and Gemini Missiles were loosed.

I’d suggest rewording this a little, as the passive voice at the end could probably have more urgency in the active voice.

Tohron twisted his joystick, spinning aside as blurred metallic shaped passed rapidly by..

“Shaped” should be “shapes,” and there’s an extra period at the end of this sentence.

Meanwhile. Caithar was pumping out a steady stream of blasterfire, destroying two enemy ships on his first pass.

I think the period after “Meanwhile” should be a comma, as I can’t see why you’d set it off like that in narration. Also, I’d describe Caithar shooting down the Wraiths in a little more detail, so that it doesn’t seem so much like you’re glossing over this bit (that is part of why Tohron and Caithar seem “godly”) and so the reader can get a better mental image.

They both performed 180-degree turns, as their Wraith oppenents did the same.

“Opponents” has two Os, and the comma after “turns” is unnecessary. Also, this implies that the Wraiths finish turning, which the next sentence contradicts. I’d word this as “...opponents began to copy them.”

Without hesitation, Tohron activated his primary weapons, shredding two foes with focused beams of energy.

As with the part where Caithar shoots down some Wraiths, I’d detail this a little bit more.

“You feeling alright there?” Caithar asked, as they pulled toward the main battleground.

The comma after “asked” is unnecessary.

“Fine,” Tohron replied focusing on a cluster of enemy battlecruisers charging their Yamato Cannons.

There should be a comma after “replied.”

Acting with lightning speed, Tohron made a move.

“Made a move” is extraneous, in that you could delete it and just combine this into the next sentence as something like “...Tohron accelerated to maximum speed and began...” In general, be careful about summary bits like this one, because they’re largely unnecessary and just slow the story down.

Accelerating to maximum power, he began launching feedback charges at the Confederate prows, while evading a deluge of laser blasts coming his way.

“Accelerating to maximum power” sounds awkward to me, as if it should be “maximum speed” instead, and the comma after “prows” is unnecessary. Also, “feedback charges” meant nothing to me, and the description of what they do was too vague to really help on that count. As with the previous weapons, this needs some more detail, particularly in this case because these devices are much harder to imagine in action than blaster cannons.

He linked up with Caithar just as an immense swarm of single man vehicles merged into a pursuit.

“Single man” should be one hyphenated word, and “merged into a pursuit” doesn’t sound right to me; if I’m reading your intention right, I’d word it as “...vehicles rose in pursuit,” since you already describe it as a “swarm.”

The two of them rapidly pitched upward, and performed evasive manuevers at lightning speed, as clouds of missiles and burst lasers kept them literally surrounded.

“Maneuvers” has the E before the U, and the commas after “upward” and “speed” are unnecessary.

As the mines detonated, disabled ships started piling up into one enormous cloud of metal.

You know, if EMP weapons are as powerful as you’ve made them out to be, why doesn’t the Confederacy have them in widespread use, too? You’d think the moment that Tohron and Caithar tried to break away, someone would nail them with an EMP missile after all the damage they’d done. It’s not like the technology is out of a standard Terran fleet’s reach... At any rate, I’d think there’d be some countermeasures that prevent EMPs from trashing everything on a ship, or all fighting would begin with massive EMP blasts everywhere.

Laser batteries opened up to the intruder, but it dodged the blasts with apparent ease.

That should be “opened up on,” which is a bit informal anyway. I might find a slightly different wording, such as “opened fire on,” to use here.

As the ship entered a reasonable firing range and still did not attack, the leader of the Battlecruiser realized what its target must be attempting.

I’d put “Battlecruiser” in lowercase for consistency. Also, “its” should technically be “his,” because it references the nearest possible subject, who is the “leader” (and that itself might be better off as “captain” or “commander,” if you want to stick to general naval titles.)

An assistant obediently followed his instructions, but then reported, “I’m afraid they won’t activate, some sort of energy disturbance.”

I have to say that this was a little confusing, because the lack of precedents for Terran ships (and particularly Confederate ones) with shields tripped me up for a bit. Is this something you plan on addressing later? I’d also drop in a “sir” somewhere in there, just to keep in line with the sort of protocol used for addressing officers.

As Caithar crippled the enemy battleship, Tohron was working to destroy the defensive turrents on an enemy support frigate.

That should be “turrets.” I might also add a little more action into this, so that it doesn’t feel so much like a summary of what Tohron did but more like actually watching him fight. For instance, ending with something like “...frigate, dodging bursts of glowing energy as he swept his beams across the craft’s hull” would just give the reader something more concrete. This is a general issue that comes up from time to time here, by the way, so I’d look over the piece as a whole for places that could use changing.

Something felt wrong though – he had not encountered any opposing fighters since he had started on his precision task.

There should be a comma after “wrong.”

Perhaps this ship was deemed to not be worth defending, but…

That should be “...deemed to be not worth defending,” I think.

The strange feeling in his head suddenly intensified, as Ihyona’s voice came in over the comlink.

The way this is worded, it sounds as if Ihyona’s voice causes the feeling in Tohron’s head to intensify. If you meant for them to be simultaneous but not causal, then I’d word this as “intensified, just as Ihyona’s voice...”

His vehicle quaked under the barrage, as energy reserves plummeted alarmingly.

The comma after “barrage” is unnecessary.

Knowing that any further combat would risk destruction, Tohron rapidly moved to disengage from battle.

As mentioned previously, this is another part where you could be a bit more specific instead of summarizing a character’s intent and actions. Something like “Tohron sent his fighter into a breakneck dive, aiming for the planet’s surface” would be much more visual and still carry your point.

Unfortunately, two Wraith pilots had other ideas, and he was soon weaving desperately through ally and enemy alike dodging an unending stream of burst lasers.

There should be a comma after “alike.”

As Tohron sent his fighter plunging downward behind the central framework of a Confederate battleship, he sent a call for help.

“Caithar, I’m being pursued by enemy fighters.”

“Sent a call for help” is a bit of unnecessary summary, and this part could be tightened up to something like “...battleship, he shouted into his radio, ‘Caithar, I’m being pursued by enemy fighters.’”

“So what will we do now?” asked Caithar, as warships began thinning out ahead.

The comma after “Caithar” is unnecessary.

“My shield probably won’t last long in open combat, I’ll see if Ihyona has any targets outside the main engagement.”

The comma here should be a period or a semicolon, since there are two subjects here: “my shield” and “I.”

Tohron redirected his communications systems toward Ground Zero, but before he could send a message, Ihyona delived one to him.

That should be “delivered.”

“A few, minutes ago, I tracked a formation of dropships breaking away from the main attack force, with a small group of fighter escorts.”

The comma after “few” is unnecessary.

The sun was almost entirely hidden now – only a small sliver of light now could be seen burning through the planetary atmosphere, turning the neosteel plating of the Confederate dropships into tarnished silver.

Nice description.

Seeing victory so close, Caithar pulled ahead, shouting “It’s time to end this!”

There should be a comma after “shouting.”

“It’s for the good of the planet, besides, I have a better plan.”

The comma after “planet” should be a period or a semicolon; alternatively, you could word this as “...planet, and besides, I have a better plan.”

After a few rapid calculations, he sent 40 small electromagnetic probes floating in the direction of the Confederate ships, which remained unaware of their pursuers.

“Floating” sounded wrong to me, because both the fighters and the dropships are presumably moving at speeds suitable for aircraft at this moment. Therefore, a bunch of metallic objects just drifting through the air should not catch up to the dropships. I’d replace that word with something else here, or reword the plan entirely; I might buy it if they drop the probes on an intercept course as opposed to “in the direction of the Confederate ships.”

A surprise was en-route, but by the time their targets knew what had transpired, it would be too late.

“En route” is two words.

In under a minute, the drop force was one huge mass of metal, electronics, and jet fuel..

There’s an extra period at the end of this sentence.

With their mission complete, the friends returned to Ground Zero, and then rest.

As I mentioned at the beginning, this doesn’t really tie anything up. It summarizes a fair amount, which doesn’t help here, and there’s a vague suggestion that the planet is no longer being threatened by Confederate forces, but in context, “mission” can be taken as merely their attempt to eliminate the dropships. Because of that, this ending doesn’t feel like a stopping point, and makes it feel as if this was all about the battle and what Tohron and company did there instead of a part of a storyline.

Overall, I think that this chapter’s main ideas seem all right, but it needs to tie into the story much more strongly and have more detail in the fighting so that it’s not as much a list of summaries saying how Tohron and Caithar defeat the Confederate navy. Thanks for posting!

[Tohron]

Mostly in response to Ikeren's comments, I have decided to make further revisions to Chapter One. Here it is.



Chapter One


Twenty three years later, several rays of sunlight entered the windows of an otherwise dark room, throwing light upon a queen-size bed on the far wall. Beneath the covers, the room’s sole occupant stirred, and rose into a sitting position. He brushed some brown hair out of his face, and gazed at the environment around him.

An enormous number of mechanical devices were scattered across the floor, making navigation difficult. There was slightly more floorspace around his desk, which contained a top-of-the line computer and several enormous stacks of written work. The desk also had a letter from his parents, which was several months old. He didn’t communicate often with them - he simply didn’t see a reason to. He, Tohron, was not very social, but he enjoyed his work and appreciated the results. Looking over his accomplishments was nothing new.

There was also something else that drew his attention: two pictures hanging on the wall. One displayed a man, with short black hair and blue eyes, along with some signs of stubble. The other image was of a tan-skinned woman, who had green eyes and hair cut to the length of her neck. Both were roughly his own age.

They were Caithar and Ihyona, his closest friends - in fact the only friends he had. They shared a common interest in improving the world, and their lives were dedicated to doing so in their own way. Their efforts had resulted in much, although they knew that far more was needed to make significant changes to the galactic order. But their work gave them a common purpose, something they all needed. That alone was worth it.

Dressing himself, Tohron began to practice his psionic abilities - another old routine. He closed his eyes, taking in the surrounding room not with his physical senses but with his mind. His body took on a blue glow, one sign that he was using his powers. Everything that he had seen a minute ago he now felt in absolute detail. Tohron began to reach out around him, browsing through dull, inanimate objects, searching through swarms of microorganisms. Ignoring all that invisible life, he focused upon a small robot sitting on the floor, its systems off. Feeling through its complex electronic nervous system, Tohron located the correct wires, and with a careful effort, nudged them a few millimeters from their former position.

Electricity began flowing, and the now-active machine floated into the air; by the time Tohron had opened his eyes and stood up, it was passing through the doorway. Tohron took a deep breath. Using his power was satisfying in one sense, but the concentration required was considerable. However, he was now fully awake, and breakfast would already be well underway - his robotic helper would see to that. Feeling satisfied, he took another look around and began walking toward the kitchen.

Fifteen minutes later, Tohron had finished eating, and the sun had risen well above the horizon. While temperature management systems quietly started up, he returned to his room and picked up some of the equipment sitting around, stacking it up inside a navy-blue backpack also on the floor. He was already walking by the time he had strapped it on.

Tohron opened the door outside, and was instantly greeted by a wave of heat. Things were warming up fast. His heat-adapted Vulture hoverbike was parked right ahead, and Tohron hurried toward it as soon as he had finished locking up the house. Once there, he yanked open the door, minimizing contact with the scalding surface of the vehicle.

A smooth, practiced movement was all that it took to place the backpack under a panel, where its contents would remain unharmed. Having done that, Tohron rapidly climbed into the driver’s seat, and closed the heat screen above him. Now everything was set. He took a deep breath, activated the primary thrusters, and smiled as his bike roared forward into the desert.

The scrub brush of the town outskirts flashed by as the speedometer reading approached 240 MPH. Tohron turned on the air conditioning, finally gaining a reprieve from the heat.

After several minutes of traveling, the hoverbike passed over a large hill, sending it on a short flight through the air before it began to descend and hover-repulsors activated to cushion the fall. As soon as the impact dust had cleared, Tohron took a quick glance at the terrain below, seeing a complex of glowing silver. Designed with a central dome and several smaller rooms radiating away from it, this multi-part dwelling belonged to Ihyona, and the building’s focus on a central construction lab testified to her technological mastery. Tohron smiled a bit, thinking of the things they had built here. Seconds later he jumped expertly out of his vehicle as the sound of another hoverbike came in from the west. Caithar was clearly about to join them.

Tall and relatively strong, Caithar was not as skilled at design and construction as Tohron and Ihyona were, but he was more talented than either of them at using the weapons they built. After his modified Vulture had glided to a stop, he stepped out and waved to Tohron. As they turned to the door, Caithar spoke.

“So, we finished up that plasma ram yesterday; any ideas on what we’re doing now?”

“As a matter of fact, yes,” answered Tohron. “Ihyona was talking to me about whether it would be possible to manipulate the spacetime continuum using magnetic fields. As I said then, the theory’s rather vague about this, but it’s worth a shot,” he finished with a shrug.

“So will we just be doing that, or is there something more? I’d like to get a bit more work done on those starfighters.”

“Nice try,” Tohron answered. “This’ll be pretty much all we’ll be doing for the next few days. But if it makes you any happier,” he added, “success in this would mean better mobility for just about anything, including combat applications.”

They stopped talking once they were at the entryway – after a short wait a small camera emerged from the overhanging ceiling, rapidly turning to focus on Caithar’s eyes. Its visual sensor extended and glowed red, while the machine made a grinding sound. It jerked toward Tohron and repeated the process, finishing with a beep of confirmation and disappearing back into the roof. Seconds later, the door had opened, and they were striding through to the cool interior of the building.

Ihyona was found hard at work in the central dome. As the two of them stepped through the entryway, she paused, setting down her tool. Her hands reached up and removed an iron gray protective headset, revealing her green eyes and light brown face. They exchanged greetings, and without further discussion began to work.

At present, the three of them had been working on a machine that would hopefully be able to use its control of electromagnetic forces to warp the fabric of space. What she was building was a prototype model made to test how well their present equipment could produce a hexipolar spherical field.

“Ihyona?” Tohron asked.

“Yes?” she answered, pausing again.

“If our goal is to create a controlled field, unmoving wires will not accomplish much. We’ve already developed a wide range of quantum dot technologies that haven’t been sold to the Protectorate – if we surrounded the existing wiring with a semiconductor layer, we could have much more control over the field we produce.”

Her expression revealed a mixture of excitement and uncertainty. “That would be useful if we could implement it, but how are the quantum dots going to avoid interference from the magnetic field they generate?”

Tohron thought for a moment. “Good point,” he acknowledged, “but adding full conductors at regular intervals would channel away most of the interference.”

“Yes, true,” Ihyona said. “It’s worth trying, at any rate.”

She picked up a tool, and attached a magnification device to her headset. The machine she carried began to generate heat at its tip and it was soon glowing red.

Once the tool was hot enough, she started coating the wiring of their new machine with liquid silicon. As the new substrate cooled, microrobots would tunnel out electrical passageways, and reshape the silvery substance into a complete quantum dot coating.

Glancing over at Caithar, Tohron saw that his friend had logged on to one of the computers and was browsing their virtual inventory for anything applicable to the present task. Seeing that both of his partners were now occupied, Tohron sat down at another computer, and was soon immersed in calculations about the effects of fundamental natural forces on the fabric of spacetime.

**********************************

After nearly four hours of hard work had passed, the three friends paused to have lunch, and they discussed their work while eating. Each one of them was very enthusiastic about what they did - that was one of the things that had brought them together. However, their peaceful discussion was interupted by a ringing phone. Ihyona reluctantly rose to pick it up.

“Hello, this is Ihyona, who is this?”

Someone on the other end began speaking. They sounded frustrated.

“Yes, he’s here, why do you need to speak to him?”

The voice responded, sounded yet more annoyed.

Ihyona held out the phone and said, “Tohron, it’s our Umojan correspondent, he wants to speak with you about the propulsion system.”

Tohron sighed and picked up the phone. Their government contracts detracted from their overall work, but they needed revenue from somewhere. He looked forward to the day when they would have enough microrobots to become self-sufficient and focus altogether on their own activities.

“Okay, I’m here, what did you want to speak with me about?”

“I’m calling to inform you that I will be visiting your laboratory for a progress check. It’s been over two weeks since we last heard from you about the advanced ion drive you are designing, and I speak for the Umojan government when I say we need results!”

“Well, considering the procedure that was agreed upon beforehand, I’ll have to deny that request,” said Tohron, now getting annoyed himself. “You know perfectly well that my team will display our progress to you in your offices, and that our own laboratory is off-limits to anyone save ourselves.”

“I’m getting tired of you saying that. Do you really want this contract or not?”

“We seek the results of this contract” answered Tohron irritably. “And we agreed to certain terms on how we were fulfill it. Needless to say, I expect you to keep your part of the terms.”

“Fine, but if you want to remain employed, I suggest you change your attitude. Your superiors expect better.”

“I was not aware that I had any ‘superiors’ in this,” replied Tohron. “And it is not vital that we work for the government. If you have any more interest in our work after this contract, you can ask, and we may choose to accept. If not, so be it.” With that, Tohron hung up, and sighed.

“Let me guess, he was trying to overreach the limits of the agreement again,” said Caithar, putting away his dishes.

“Yes, he was,” answered Tohron. “You would think he’d realize after a while that we aren’t running an open-house operation.”

“Well, we can’t really blame the government for wanting to know about the people who work for it,” reasoned Ihyona. “That’s just a part of their standard procedure, and they don’t like what they don’t know about. We can’t go along with that, but it’s not their fault either.”

The conversation ended, and they all sat quietly for a moment, listening to the wind, and hearing the clatter of dishes being cleaned. Then they got up and left, heading for their hoverbikes.

Six minutes later, they were deep in the planetary wastelands, over seventeen miles away from the small city called Chaucaron Station, on whose outskirts their houses were built. Their destination was another creation of their’s - arguably the greatest one they had yet made. It was a full-scale hidden laboratory, created using materials their droids had mined deep beneath the desert. Those droids had in turn been built from pieces that their government contracts had made affordable. They called it Ground Zero, and they now conducted nearly all major operations there. Its very existence showed how far they had progressed toward their ultimate goals.

Tohron and his friends were moving at full speed down a path invisible to the eye that only their vehicles’ navigational systems could follow. The ground below them was a mixture of sand, gravel, and dirt, with plants of any kind being a rare sight. This open terrain was nearly devoid of landmarks, although the rough area they were approaching was an exception to that rule. Not that such a fact made any difference – tracking them would be nearly impossible.

In another two minutes, they were traveling through a canyon, swerving at high speed to avoid rock formations and the looming walls. The rocky cliffs on both sides blocked out most sunlight, turning the ground into a place of threatening shadows; without their ultravisual scanning equipment, a fiery collision would have been a serious possibility.

As they neared a relatively large cave, Tohron’s computer notified him to begin slowing down. He carefully steered the bike into the cave mouth, getting out as soon as his friends were inside. Dim light from the canyon outside turned their three bodies into moving silhouettes, traveling steadily into the depths of the cavern. Turning on searchlights attached to their arms, they advanced inward, with the circles of their electronic lighting surrounded by total darkness. After a short walk, they were confronted with what seemed to be a dead end: a blank, unimpressive barrier of rock. But all those who were present knew that appearances could be deceiving.

Tohron began to focus on what was before him, channeling his psychic power carefully and precisely. As his friends looked on with some nervousness, his body began to glow a dim blue, the telltale sign of his abilities. In moments, most of the “wall” had disappeared completely. Stepping through, Tohron thought about their invention of the psionic device they had just passed, capable of permanently maintaining an immobile psionic barrier. He willed the wall to reappear behind them, still reflecting on the great power that their ingenuity granted. Truly, nothing could stand in the way of that!

The lights of their inner laboratory were now on, illuminating a host of their more powerful equipment with shades of aquamarine. Through a door was their underground hanger, containing several partially constructed vehicles and spacecraft. Right now, they ignored that building, and instead moved to one of the platforms in the center of the lab, where they placed their partially constructed device.

Tohron walked to the side and activated their construction droids, recalling the months of work that had been put into these high-precision robots. Then the three of them walked over to nearby computer terminals, and began to instruct the mechanical units on how to perform the final steps of the design process – a task that was complex but very effective.

The robots had been built well, and in less than thirty minutes, the three friends were ready to test their new machine. “Now we see if that work was worth it,” said Caithar, as Tohron switched his computer into control mode.

The machine was placed inside a sealed container filled with ionized gases. The lights in the room switched off, so that the only sources of illumination were Tohron’s computer terminal and the glowing ions. Tohron ran one of his programs, and then joined his friends in looking anxiously at the container.

Slowly, the product of their labor started to function. The gas inside the storage unit was gathered into glowing circular bands of about a centimeter in width. The bands began to twirl around their machine, and contracted slowly to about a millimeter, then shrunk from view entirely. Although they seemed to have disappeared, their continued presence was revealed by a signature flash of light whenever two bands came into contact with each other

Suddenly, the sound of the device ceased entirely, and the ions redistributed themselves throughout the container. “Oh no…” groaned Caithar. “Don’t tell me it broke.”

“I don’t see how it could have,” said Ihyona nervously, turning on the lights and draining the ions from the storage unit. “Was it in the programming for it to turn off then?”

“No,” replied Tohron. “At about that point it was programmed to merge all of the field lines simultaneously.”

Ihyona removed the machine from the container, and used a phase changer to take off part of the outer shell. Picking up one of their scanning devices, she looked as closely as she could at the machine’s interior. Her expression slowly changed from worry to puzzlement.

“The semiconductor wiring is badly damaged,” she reported. “It would seem that there was a miscalculation on the exact electromagnetic interference, because an uncontrolled power surge is the only explanation I can think of.” Both of them turned to Tohron.

“I stand by my calculations,” he replied. “If there was interference, it was not caused by the electrons in the semiconductors.”

“Then what was the interference?” asked Caithar.

“I don’t know,” was Tohron’s reply.

The three decided that nothing more could be done, and spent five minutes clearing up the lab, then turned to leave. Just as they neared the hallucinated wall, Tohron paused.

“What is it?” asked Ihyona.

“I had an idea,” Tohron answered. “The electromagnetic interference could have been caused by the ions we were using for the experiment.”

“But that would make no sense,” argued Caithar. “The shielding would prevent any interference from getting through.”

“Unless the ions bypassed the shielding,” Tohron said, smiling. “We have been working on using electromagnetism to warp space; what if we just witnessed success?”

The others turned to him, looking just as excited as he was.

“Then our efforts weren’t wasted after all!” said Caithar, smiling too as they walked through the now-absent wall. Climbing into their hoverbikes, the three headed back to their homes.

Ten minutes later, Tohron found himself saying goodbye to the other two on his vehicle’s comlink, pulling away toward his own house. The canyon chain receded into the distance behind him until it could no longer be seen at all. Already feeling tired, Tohron looked back over his highly productive day, and he knew that one thing was clear: he couldn’t wait for the next sunrise.


(Note, right now I am looking through Chapter Two to see if there's anything I want to change. A revised version of Chapter Three is almost ready.)

[Tohron]

This may be overloading you a bit, but since I've got it finished now, I might as well post my progress so far. I have a new ending to Chapter Two, and a revised version of Chapter Three


Chapter Two (ending)

When all was prepared, and the lights were turned off, Tohron found himself still wondering what the results of this experiment would be. This time, they had replaced the iron filings with a considerable amount of a slightly radioactive carbon isotope, which had been ionized to give it a charge. All three of them had donned special goggles capable of detecting the trace radiation that the carbon emitted.

The two machines began operating, and their tracking material formed the familiar energy bands. Slowly, all of the bands began moving toward each other, as Tohron and his companions tensed in anticipation.

As the bands struck each other, a spot of light formed at the far side of the room. Their goggles revealed that the radioactive carbon was now streaming outward from the newly created rift. For a moment, they all remained still, entranced by what they had done. So many new possibilities were now available with this...

Ihyona quietly bent forward and shut off the machine, but the silence was not yet broken. As they turned and left the lab, walking out to their vehicles, none of them spoke a word. Discussion about how to improve this technology, and over what to do next could come later. Now was a time to appreciate how far they had already come.




Chapter 3

As Tohron raised his head to a twilight sky, he could feel that something had changed. When he had learned that the Confederacy was invading the Protectorate, and that this world on the fringe of Protectorate space was one of their first targets, he had felt removed, like this was happening to another place, and another person. But already, as he looked out into the setting sun, that he could truly feel the approaching danger. And now, although it had only been weeks since their prototype dimensional manipulator had be built, that part of his past seemed far away.

A small breeze passed by, stirring the scrub brush and throwing a cloud of sand against his hoverbike. The sound caused Tohron to remember his duties – he headed back into his home for a moment, returning with a small bundle of electronics. Now he was racing out to the Vulture, as the sun began to sink behind the distant mountains. While Tohron slammed down on the accelerator, shadows fell from distant peaks, stretching slowly across the plains, heralding night.

Tohron was racing straight to Ground Zero – there could be no further delay. If their small group hoped to aid the defense of their world, the time to do it was now. He found himself once more testing the limits of his hoverbike’s speed; he would have to remember to improve the machine sometime…

The canyons rose out of the gathering gloom, darker and more forbidding than ever. Tohron had no choice but to decelerate as he approached the barriers of rock, for by now, infrared scanners and sonar equipment were his only eyes and ears. Speed would mean nothing if he killed himself achieving it.

After what Tohron viewed as far too long, his navigational computer instructed him to turn right and prepare to halt. Moments later he leapt outward, carrying all that he needed. Tohron’s now-activated searchlights revealed Caithar right ahead of him. The two cast relieved glances at each other, but as they raced through the hallucinary barrier, they remained silent, aware of what they were about to do, and despite all their abilities, worried.

Ihyona was sitting in front of a computer, whose glowing monitor was the only source of light in the room. She turned slowly around, her face pale, then spoke.

“The fighters are ready. The warp rift in the hanger can take you to the upper levels of the atmosphere. You’ll have to go on from there. I’ll be in radar contact with you, and will operate the sensory equipment.” Her voice was barely audible, and as soon as she had finished speaking, she rapidly turned back to the screen. Tohron and Caither stood still for a moment, then quietly turned and walked into the hanger area.

The warp rift at the far end had been activated, and its white glow projected a twisting web of light over the entire hanger. Caithar selected a Penetrator, a silver black fighter with specialized assault blasters able to override almost all forms of energy-based shielding, and with a cockpit bearing a missile launcher on each side, and a torpedo bay on the bottome.

Tohron looked for other qualities in a vehicle – he chose a deadly, highly maneuverable starfighter called a Black Widow, which bore four beam projector-equipped jet black prongs attached around a central cockpit. The ship’s small but threatening form contained more than enough supplementary weapons to handle most attacks.

Without a word, they climbed into their pilot seats, and turned on the power, leaving them confined in the middle of countless glowing panels, each one displaying either a sensor readout or some detail about the state of their ship. Tohron knew what each meant, for all of these ships were originals - early designs that they had built independently.

With a hiss, their cockpit windows were sealed shut, and they were locked in. Their ships were now their only means of survival. Tohron wished for a good outcome to this battle, but the future remained invisible. This was to be their first experience of combat, and despite all their equipment, all their training, it might also be his or Caithar’s last.

Tohron was temporarily pressed into his seat as the Black Widow’s repulsor equipment lifted it off the ground. Cautious, Tohron squeezed the throttle, scooting his ship towards the warp generator, with Caithar directly ahead of him. The rift ahead was now pulsing brighter than ever, but all it contained was a beginning, not an end. As Caithar’s ship disappeared ahead, Tohron felt a sudden urge to slow down, stop, and leave, to never return. He got past it, but his determination had taken a blow, and entering the blazing white chaos of warpspace granted him no repreive from his own fear.

Finally, he emerged into the upper atmosphere of his homeworld, with Caithar right ahead of him. Below, vast expanses of desert and enormous mountain ranges unfolded, veiled by the shadow of night, but not invisible. Far apart, but still present, were the tiny points of light indicating cites. The view was magnificent, and Tohron’s concerns began to fade for the first time. As the light of his world’s only sun shone at his back, he shifted the throttle to full speed, and sat up, ready at last for the battle ahead.

Metallic shapes were becoming visible in the distance, and every once in a while, the gap between the two fleets flared with long-range artillery fire. They were safe, however: their stealth technology would keep them secure until they were directly visible.

Ihyona spoke over the comlink once, informing them that the two fleets would engage in only a few minutes. After her voice stopped, Tohron checked his onboard computer – they were only 24 kilometers away from the battlefield.

Thirty seconds later, Ihyona’s voice came on again. “I’m tracking a small group of Confederate Wraiths breaking away from the main group, heading in your direction,” she stated, her voice serious. “I think you’ve been spotted.”

“They’re mine,” Caithar said, sounding completely relaxed.

T-shaped fighters joined formation ahead releasing several volleys of Gemini Missiles. Tohron twisted his joystick, spinning aside as blurred metallic shapes passed rapidly by.. Meanwhile, Caithar unleased a series of blastershots at two of the Confederate ships. As they passed by, both were consumed in orange clouds of blazing Vespene fuel. Tohron led a 180-degree turns, as their Wraith oppenents started coming around for another pass. Tohron finished first, attacking two foes with focused beams of energy. Their cockpit armor was sublimated, and the pilots died instantly. The last Wraith tried to turn aside, but Caithar was too quick. In moments, it too had been destroyed.

“You feeling alright there?” Caithar asked, as they pulled toward the main battleground.

“Fine,” Tohron replied, focusing on a cluster of enemy battlecruisers charging their Yamato Cannons. “You?”

“Of course,” Caithar responded.

Acting with lightning speed, Tohron rocketed forward and launched seven feedback charges at the Confederate prows. A deluge of laser blasts greeted him, but he was fast, and his shields survived at 73%. As Tohron finished his attack run and twisted around, he could feel vibrations behind him. A reverse pass revealed the success of his maneuver – the concentrated Yamato energies had backfired upon their summoners, leaving the Confederacy’s leading battlecruisers weakened and vulnerable against the Umojan Fleet.

He linked up with Caithar again, as a volley of burst lasers heralded pursuers. They took off, diving under a distintegrating battlecruiser, then rapidly pulling up. Tohron glanced at his sensor readouts, and his eyes widened in surprise. They were being chased by no less than 18 Wraiths.

Tohron knew that they could not retreat forever – their enemies were forming up again, and if they were allowed to use maximum firepower, he and Caithar would both be dead. Working fast, he released a succession of psionically amplified EMP mines, while his shields buckled from several close hits.

The mines detonated, and psionic energy carried electric potential right through the Wraith’s electromagnetic shielding. Disabled ships started piling up into one enormous cloud of metal. In conclusion, Caithar wheeled around and released his own swarm of missiles at the former hunters, leaving behind only a dispersing column of fire.

As the remains of their foes drifted apart, they returned to where the action was. After passing rapidly through a mass of dogfighting Wraiths, they came upon an approaching enemy battlecruiser. “Ahh, this should be good,” Caithar reported over the comlink.

**************************************************

The Commodore watched as the enemy ship drew nearer. “Focus fire,” he ordered calmly. Laser batteries opened up to the intruder, but it dodged the blasts with apparent ease. As the ship entered a reasonable firing range and still did not attack, the commander realized what his target must be attempting.

“Power up the bridge defense shield NOW!” An assistant obediently followed his instructions, but then reported, “I’m afraid they won’t activate sir, some sort of energy disturbance.”

Eyes widening in horror, the Commodore roared “Run!” as a missile sped toward his ship’s nerve center. They were the last words he ever said.

**************************************************

As Caithar crippled the enemy battleship, Tohron was working to destroy the defensive turrets on an enemy support frigate. Although the ship’s design was obsolete even by Confederate standards, the task still required close attention, because his fighter would not last long against focused fire from the vessel’s entire defensive system. Something felt wrong, though – there wasn’t a fighter anywhere nearby - in fact, he had so far gone about his task unmolested. Considering that multiple fighter squadrons had been on his tail less than a minute ago, that didn’t seem...

His strange feeling suddenly intensified, just as Ihyona’s voice came in over the comlink. “Yamato at 12 o’clock!” she shouted, her voice bordering on a scream. As a mass of pure energy flooded outward from the fore of an approaching battlecruiser, Tohron sent his fighter spinning sideways, beams of yellow-orange energy encircling his ship. His vehicle quaked under the barrage as energy reserves plummeted alarmingly. The lights in his ship flickered out. When it was over, his shield generator was strained almost to the breaking point, leaving him nearly defenseless.

As Tohron twisted his ship around and sped under the Battlecruiser that had practically destroyed him, he checked his ship’s status, making sure that the energy surge from the overloaded shields hadn’t caused anything serious. The engines were in acceptable condition: one was close to failure, but the other three were in good shape. His weaponry was practically undamaged. And although the wiring was in bad shape, he could manage. Still, with next to no shields, his overall position was grim.

A volley of burst lasers passed by from behind him, taking down the shields again and destroying the damaged engine altogether. Tohron swore, dodged into a group of battlecruisers, and then checked his sensor display. Two Wraiths, and they weren’t being shaken off.

Tohron made another attempt to escape them - no luck. Clearly, he needed help.

“Caithar, I’m being pursued by enemy fighters. I can’t shake them off, and my shields are barely holding out. I could use some help.”

“Roger that,” Caithar answered, locking on to Tohron’s signal and turning away from the damaged battlecruiser he had been pursuing. Some things were more important than defeating a foe, and friendship was one of them.

As Tohron boosted across the engines of a capital ship, he heard the sounds of plasma bolts striking his pursuers. A few seconds later, hostile fire had stopped and Caithar was pulling up alongside him, his fighter looking scarred, but otherwise unharmed.

“So how exactly did you get into that?” Caithar asked. “You were supposed to be the careful one.”

“An enemy battlecruiser managed to sneak in a Yamato blast. Fortunately, Ihyona was watching and I missed the full impact. Good thing too…”

“So what will we do now?” asked Caithar, as warships began thinning out ahead.

“My shield probably won’t last long in open combat, I’ll see if Ihyona has any targets outside the main battle zone.”

Tohron redirected his communications systems toward Ground Zero, but before he could send a message, Ihyona delivered one to him.

“A few, minutes ago, I tracked a formation of dropships breaking away from the main attack force, with a small group of fighter escorts. I think the Confederacy is attempting a sneak attack on the planetary surface.”

“Well, the timing couldn’t be better,” Caithar answered. “Go?”

“Affirmative,” Tohron stated. As they pulled toward the new reading on their display screens, Tohron finished with “We’re on it.”

At the speed they were going, it did not take long for the drop force to become visible. The sun was almost entirely hidden now – only a small sliver of light could now be seen burning through the planetary atmosphere, turning the neosteel plating of the Confederate dropships into tarnished silver. Seeing victory so close, Caithar pulled ahead, shouting, “It’s time to end this!”

“No.” Tohron’s words were an order. “Attacking now will only alert them to our presence, and allow them to escape. We must be quiet.”

Caithar at first failed to heed his command. The Penetrator he flew continued streaking toward its ignorant prey, seeing only weakness.

“Caithar, I repeat, stop this! It’s for the good of the planet. Besides, I have a better plan.”

Caithar ceased advancing, but not without regret. “You and your ‘better plans’,” he muttered into the comlink. “And there I was saving your life a moment ago.”

Tohron ignored his friend’s harsh words, instead focusing on the task at hand. After a few rapid calculations, he sent 40 small electromagnetic probes floating ahead, at a rate that would bring them to the dropships in a matter of seconds. A surprise was en route, but by the time their targets knew what had transpired, it would be too late.

One by one, the magnetic robots attached to Confederate hulls, waiting silently for an activation signal. Meanwhile, Tohron monitored their status from the Black Widow’s cockpit, and Caithar waited impatiently in his Penetrator. Once the display showed that all the probes had found a ship, Tohron activated their magnets, and watched the ensuing chaos.

First slowly, then at an accelerating pace, the enemy ships drew together. Pilots attempted to turn their vessels away, but the pull was too strong – Tohron had seen to that. In under a minute, the drop force was one huge mass of metal, electronics, and jet fuel.

His plan nearly complete, Tohron activated the last step. “Caithar, you are free to open fire.”

His voice sounding impressed despite himself, Caithar answered with “My pleasure,” and sent his ship boosting toward the enemy, while a torpedo of his rocketed forward at an even greater speed. Their two ships both started moving faster and faster, while pulling away from the massive explosion that would soon occur. They both saw the torpedo disappear from view behind its intended target, and waited.

An enormous shockwave left their ships vibrating wildly, and the space behind them was overwhelmed by a fireball of blinding intensity. Fragments of the Confederate ships went shooting outward, none of them larger than two feet in diameter. It was over.

**************************************************

When Tohron arrived home, it was well past midnight. He hurried to get into bed, but sleep did not come quickly. He was shaken by the events of the day: the fight, his close brush with death, and his disagreement with Caithar. Realizing that it would be a while before sleep overtook him, Tohron reflected on those things.

The fight hadn’t been all that bad, actually. He had been convinced that what he was doing was right, and he had simply done it. That did not really bother him. And although he knew he should probably be more concerned about the Yamato blast that almost took his life, somehow the thing that had really jarred him was Caithar.

When they had first met, the two of them had became friends almost instantly. They both shared many ideals, and the mixture of Caithar’s military prowness and Tohron’s technical and scientific expertise had seemed a combination to make their dreams come true. Ihyona had joined later – she was a neice of one of his parents’ friends. But he had known Caithar the longest - what had gone wrong.

I’m sure that what I did was the right choice. Nothing good could have came out of an aggressive charge. Why didn’t Caithar see that?

Tohron went over the possibilities slowly in his head, then came upon what had to be the truth. Caithar must not be able to see the long-term consequences of his actions. He is a good person - I know that - but he lacks the ability to make careful decisions. This is his weakness. And that knowledge disturbed Tohron more than anything else that day.

[RevenantsKnight]

On your latest Chapter One: aside from my usual impressions of your writing, I thought this made some good changes, such as the slightly more in-depth opening. Even though it draws things out a little, I thought this transition into this part of the story was worth it. However, naming their Umojan connection as the source of some of their resources didn’t really address the main issue that I had with their technology. It helps, in that there’s now a bit more grounds for their involvement in Chapter Three and they didn’t just pull everything out of nowhere, but my major criticisms regarding Tohron and company are still very much applicable. If anything, the fact that Tohron can just shoot down the Umojans’ demands might cancel out those gains, since no matter how brilliant he is, he’s a young, presumably unestablished scientist whose resources are at least partly at the mercy of a government. Even if Tohron can invent all sorts of technology that is head and shoulders above the rest of the world, he’s still taking Umojan contracts, which means that they have a buyer’s leverage. Besides, governments tend not to ask when it really comes down to matters like this; they just do what they want. So, while I think the change to the opening is solid, I’m unsure as to whether the conversation with the Umojan representative helps.

On the new ending to Chapter Two: it’s better and I’d say that it could work; certainly, it avoids the trap of turning the chapter ending into a messy technical conversation.

On Chapter Three: you do address the purpose of this chapter and issues of invulnerability adequately, I’d say; that was a significant improvement over the last draft. However, the battle still felt overly precise in some places (24 kilometers and 73% shields, just to name a few examples,) and that meant this still read more like a military after-action report than a scene unfolding. Getting all the details across is nice if you can do it without compromising the “storyteller” aspect, but if you’ve ever actually read a report of a military engagement, they’re only marginally less dry than sawdust. I also didn’t like Tohron’s internal monologue at the end of the chapter; perhaps your experiences are significantly different, but for myself and what I know of my family and friends, thought processes that are so measured and analytical (and in complete sentences, too...) seem distinctly unnatural. Therefore, I can’t help seeing that as the narrator trying to speak from inside Tohron’s head, and with a third-person narrator, confusing the narrator and a character is rarely a good thing.

With regard to the changes overall, there’s still a tendency for you to use overly technical-sounding words and phrases, particularly in the narration at the beginning of Chapter One (though I’m still not sure if that’s just the way you want your style to be.) If it is, then, well, ignore the rest of this, but if it isn’t, I might suggest trying to write things out in more common language first, and then reading over the result. At that point, if the sentence sounds like it needs to emphasize something scientific or have a strong attention to detail, I would then switch the wording.

Thanks for posting!

[Tohron]

The changes I made to Chapters One and Three are fairly minor, so I decided not to post them. Overall, I guess I'm satisfied with them now.

However, naming their Umojan connection as the source of some of their resources didn’t really address the main issue that I had with their technology. It helps, in that there’s now a bit more grounds for their involvement in Chapter Three and they didn’t just pull everything out of nowhere, but my major criticisms regarding Tohron and company are still very much applicable. If anything, the fact that Tohron can just shoot down the Umojans’ demands might cancel out those gains, since no matter how brilliant he is, he’s a young, presumably unestablished scientist whose resources are at least partly at the mercy of a government. Even if Tohron can invent all sorts of technology that is head and shoulders above the rest of the world, he’s still taking Umojan contracts, which means that they have a buyer’s leverage. Besides, governments tend not to ask when it really comes down to matters like this; they just do what they want. So, while I think the change to the opening is solid, I’m unsure as to whether the conversation with the Umojan representative helps.

I did make some minor changes to make things more clear - the situation at this point is that Tohron doesn't really need his Umojan connection very much. First off, private research teams are more "sellers" than "buyers", and Tohron initially had a fair amount of leverage due to his team's high credentials. From that point, they used the resources they got to slowly develop self-sufficiency.

On Chapter Three: you do address the purpose of this chapter and issues of invulnerability adequately, I’d say; that was a significant improvement over the last draft. However, the battle still felt overly precise in some places (24 kilometers and 73% shields, just to name a few examples,) and that meant this still read more like a military after-action report than a scene unfolding. Getting all the details across is nice if you can do it without compromising the “storyteller” aspect, but if you’ve ever actually read a report of a military engagement, they’re only marginally less dry than sawdust. I also didn’t like Tohron’s internal monologue at the end of the chapter; perhaps your experiences are significantly different, but for myself and what I know of my family and friends, thought processes that are so measured and analytical (and in complete sentences, too...) seem distinctly unnatural. Therefore, I can’t help seeing that as the narrator trying to speak from inside Tohron’s head, and with a third-person narrator, confusing the narrator and a character is rarely a good thing.

Well, I suppose the battle might have seemed a bit dry in places, but I'm really trying to tell this story from the perspective of Tohron (who is sort of an alter-ego of me). And if Tohron thinks in technical, precise terms, then the writing will reflect that. And as for thinking in complete sentences, I sometimes do that, it's kind of like talking to yourself, but in your head.

With regard to the changes overall, there’s still a tendency for you to use overly technical-sounding words and phrases, particularly in the narration at the beginning of Chapter One (though I’m still not sure if that’s just the way you want your style to be.) If it is, then, well, ignore the rest of this, but if it isn’t, I might suggest trying to write things out in more common language first, and then reading over the result. At that point, if the sentence sounds like it needs to emphasize something scientific or have a strong attention to detail, I would then switch the wording.

Well, as I partially said already, Tohron thinks about things in a technical manner, so that's just part of the style and the atmosphere.

Overall, I think it's time to move on. Here's Chapter Four - perhaps the first of this story's 'philosophical' chapters.






Chapter Four


After the intensity of the fight, Tohron and his friends used the next few weeks to cool down and relax, before returning to work as usual. Once they had resumed their everyday tasks, they found themselves working more on increasing their military arsenal and improving their starfighters, while putting less effort into developing additional technologies.

Tohron felt as though the brief battle had been a glimpse of their future, and that they were now getting used to a schedule which could resemble what they did for the rest of their lives. It seemed that his dream was slowly becoming a reality, whatever that meant.

It was clear that the planet they now inhabited was rapidly becoming an impediment. On this world, it was necessary to maintain constant secrecy, in a place where those who were set apart from them were far too numerous for comfort.

When they made their inevitable exit, Tohron planned to take several people with him, people that could be trusted to have faith in the society that they would create, work hard, and most importantly, keep what they had learned an absolute secret. Already, Tohron and his comrades had gathered an extensive list of promising personalities.

As for the work they were doing, each of them had been constructing a specialized fighter that was tuned to its designer’s needs. Caithar was satisfied with the Penetrator he had flown earlier, and was now working on making additions to the design, such as a small onboard factory that could construct new missiles and torpedoes from raw materials. The ship’s structure was bulky but powerful, and its silver/red exterior dominated its portion of the hanger.

Ihyona was building something entirely new: a sleek, silver vessel with enhancements that allowed it to deploy a large arsenal of specialized and deadly robots, cripple electronic devices from long range, and access a computer network from several kilometers away. Her vehicle resembled a flattened torpedo, and it bristled with countless antennae and lasers.

Tohron was also making something original, a large, ovaloid fighter that he would call the Magnetron. Employing an improved version of their magnetic field generator, it would be able to use its medium-range field control to create a highly adaptable environment around itself. It could be a battering ram, a deflector shield, and a minesweeper, a weapon, an enhancer, a resistance field… its uses were near infinite. Filling up a sixth of the hanger by itself, this ship was a source of pride for him. Even though incomplete patches stood out amidst the smooth armoring, Tohron could still feel the great power this thing possessed. Looking at this ship, he found himself looking at his own desires, his own strategies, put into a vessel that would be his to command.

On the subject of the exoskeleton, only the cybernetic mental enhancements remained unfinished. Tohron had still failed ito decide whether they would simply operate as improvements, or whether they would possess a sub-mind similar to his own. The advantages of a ‘double brain’ would include increased protection from many psionic weapons, but a mental conflict between two such entities could become a serious impediment if it ever arose.

Finally, lying awake in his bed one night, Tohron made a decision. No, he thought, I will not have myself be divided in two, split between mechanical and organic. If I am to achieve what I desire, I must be both at the same time. Machines are powerful, but the brain still can do things a machine cannot. Like wielding psionic power… Although it will be hard to separate myself from my organic past, what is the past but the foundation upon which the future is built? If I am to achieve anything, I must be able to move ahead. My exoskeleton shall become my body, and it shall be inseparably bonded to my human form. The gap I must traverse is large, but if I am to go on, it must be crossed.

As the helmet slowly neared completion, Tohron spent much of his time enjoying the various pleasures of being a human, knowing that soon, the opportunity to experience that life would be gone forever. The Magnetron was finished, but its controls remained untouched by his hands – they had been installed by robots. And indeed, these hands will never touch them, Tohron thought, looking at his flesh-covered fingers.

Then the helmet was completed. Tohron placed his tools onto the floor, and looked around his room. Twilight was setting in, the light from his windows was now a yellow-orange, and the random items scattered around were endowed with a dim glow by the fading sunlight. Shadows were starting to fall though, and his closet was already nearly pitch black. With some effort, Tohron retrieved the various pieces to his body armor. Once they were scattered below him, he stood up one last time, feeling his human limbs support their burden. Then Tohron reclined upon the floor, placing the back sections of his armor below him.

The armor sensed his presence, sensed his heat. It began bending, reshaping to fit his form. Tohron summoned his droid, which began placing the upper sections of the suit on top of him. Those pieces connected with what was below, and they reshaped as well. In a short amount of time, he was encased in a covering of supersolid plating and advanced technology. Only his head remained uncovered.

Tohron reached out with his right arm to grab the helmet, his robotic limb following the movement. His exoskeleton was not truly part of him – yet. Only through the mind could he master his greatest creation.

Tohron looked into the blank red visor. It was not glowing… or was it? He could not be sure. Tohron waited, holding the helmet aloft, his mind stalling, in need of some cue to take an action of magnitude greater than he had ever known before.

The sun sank over the distant mountaintops, and twilight changed to darkness. Tohron turned the helmet around and lowered in over his head. The inside of the visor was dark, its readout blank. He was shut off from the world, left with only himself, and that which he had created.

Something penetrated his skull. The mental improvements were taking place. But there was no pain: his nervous system had already been adapted around his new form. Streams of thought unfamiliar to him raced through a mind that suddenly understood what they meant. As neurons were replaced with microcomputers of the highest caliber, Tohron felt the consequences in a way no human had before. And something else happened; he felt the presence of another, something that thought, something that had been present in these wires and processors ever since they had been put into place. It was himself. His mind, so focused on this machine, had imprinted itself on the circuitry, making the place its own. As they merged, a flood of new information entered his head, flowing faster than an organic brain could bear. But he was more than that now. And he would grow to be more still – that now seemed self-evident.

His body was no longer a weak construction of flesh and bone, it was an detailed work of advanced technology and deadly weapons. He had hoped to be a force for change: this was it! With this suit at his command, he could do things no human could hope to accomplish. He could make the universe work, rebuild it along his own design. He was higher that anything before – nothing existed to stop him. He stood up, feeling restricted by the wall around him. With rigid precision, Tohron stood up and deployed his plasma sabers, ready to turn this restrictive dwelling into rubble and dust.

But then something stopped him. In these walls was his work, his life. He could not merely push that aside like any other obstacle. And then there were his friends: he could not simply abandon them to pursue schemes of individual glory. This might be a new life that he had began, but the old one could not just be pushed aside. Tohron disengaged his arsenal, and let his heavy body fall back onto the floor, looking inward.

No, he thought, power such as that is not something I ever wanted. And the galaxy is immense - even with his all of my newfound strength, I cannot accomplish anything alone. I am not a dictator, and I do not want to dominate an unwilling populace. That is wrong: power changes nothing. Greater power only means that I will need to apply more wisdom in using it. Sitting down heavily, Tohron waited for the cybernetic replacement process to finish, countless philosophies flying though his hybrid brain, as he searched for an answer to life. But none came, and deep down, Tohron suspected that there was none to be found.

[Tohron]

Oh, and I forgot to mention this - I would appreciate a full review of Chapter Four (as soon as there's time, of course).

[RevenantsKnight]

I did make some minor changes to make things more clear - the situation at this point is that Tohron doesn't really need his Umojan connection very much. First off, private research teams are more "sellers" than "buyers", and Tohron initially had a fair amount of leverage due to his team's high credentials. From that point, they used the resources they got to slowly develop self-sufficiency.

I’d disagree with your depiction of private research teams here, given my knowledge of how hard it is to get funding for any sort of research in even academic or corporate settings, where there’re more connections and support. That aside, my main point is that I don’t think this scenario is plausible from a reader’s perspective, for the reasons given previously. Believe me, I’ve given this matter quite a bit of thought over the various revisions that I’ve run for you, and I simply cannot work out a situation where Tohron gains personal influence and resources equal to a major government project merely twenty-four years after starting with not a heck of a lot, because in all of history, I can’t think of very many examples at all of sheer genius translating into massive material power without a patron or government supporting the individual, and certainly not this early in life. If there are other circumstances, such as the possibility of connections from his parents or a lot of inherited wealth, then there’s more to work with here, though you’d have to work them in carefully so it’s obvious that they’re not just in here to explain away the hard-to-believe parts. As there’s nothing on such elements now, it really does feel like he pulls most of resources and tricks out of thin air.

Well, I suppose the battle might have seemed a bit dry in places, but I'm really trying to tell this story from the perspective of Tohron (who is sort of an alter-ego of me). And if Tohron thinks in technical, precise terms, then the writing will reflect that.

Fair enough. Since it didn’t really grab me, though, I’d be worried about the possibility that even if a technical viewpoint is accurate, it would also turn off other readers. Some characters and personalities just make for worse narrators or leads than others, and while I don’t know if Tohron is necessarily in that category, my personal judgment would probably put his current incarnation there, which is why I suggested what I did. Of course, it’s possible that more characterization will make this point moot, too, as part of why I’d make that judgment is because there isn’t a lot to him yet. It’d be good to get some more opinions on this, by the way, if there’s anyone else out there keeping up with this.

Also, since you mention that Tohron is an alter ego of sorts, his character hits a number of qualities associated with a Mary Sue. If you don’t already know what a Mary Sue is, they’re characters who are exceptional or unique in a powerful way and are essentially stand-ins for the author; I’d suggest looking it up even if you do sort of know what it is, because there’s good commentary out there on why they’re hard to do well. That said, Mary Sues can be done well, but if they’re blatant (which this sort of is...I was guessing that Tohron was one early on, based off of your handle and profile,) it tends to make the author’s job of drawing the reader in harder because they’re too perfect. Now that I’m sure this is meant to be a sort of alter ego, I’d say you have another good reason to add on more character development: so that it isn’t as easily dismissed as a Mary Sue.

(Thoughts on Chapter 4 follow in next post.)

[RevenantsKnight]

On Chapter 4: the part on Tohron and his cybernetic suit is refreshing, in that there’s the first real hint of conflict here, of something that might actually be a challenge to him and his friends (and I’m something of a sucker for AI-induced insanity.) However, I think you overplayed it, in that this is the first time the suit comes up in a while and boom, it becomes a major focus right away. I mean, I didn’t even get a sense that Tohron was contemplating using it anytime soon, let alone merging with it permanently. Also, the urges that go through his head just after he puts the helmet on feel like waving the danger in the reader’s face. With a more subtle and perhaps more detailed presentation, as well as a stronger build-up to this point (which may require some changes in previous chapters,) I’d say this could be quite solid.

Additionally, I’d say that you spend too much time in the first part on the group’s activities and spacecraft; the focus of the chapter is obviously not those details, which don’t even matter yet, so why introduce them now when you want the reader’s attention on something else? A quick mention or two of the time and what they’ve been doing scattered over a few paragraphs would probably suffice. After all, I’d think that introducing the possibility of Tohron-cyborg conflict would be plenty to hold the reader’s interest, since it’s a theme with a lot to it and some strong potential.

More broadly, this chapter didn’t have a lot of character development, and now, four chapters in, I’m beginning to wonder if that’s going to change soon. I mean, you spend about a third of the chapter on the spacecraft, there’s no interaction between Tohron and anyone else, and Tohron’s inner monologues feel more like the results of his decisions, not insights into the way he thinks. Neither of these are serious problems on their own, but this far into the story, I’d hope to have a better idea of what Tohron’s like than I do right now. Otherwise, it’s like watching a sports game without caring about the teams: they may make nice plays or whatever, but unless you have a reason to root for someone, it’s probably going to be a forgettable experience. Your characters are those teams; make the reader care about them, or at least connect to them somehow, and this will be much more engaging. Given the content of this chapter, of course, that may be somewhat difficult, though there were a few points in here that could have been much more involved with the characters’ actions and therefore allow you to show more of them; this is something that may well benefit you to try in the previous chapters as well. Some more specific comments:

After the intensity of the fight, Tohron and his friends used the next few weeks to cool down and relax, before returning to work as usual.

This paragraph summarizing what Tohron and company do for a while is overkill, in my opinion, because if they’re just filling a few weeks with things that don’t matter a lot to the reader, then you don’t need to mention that filler at all. If anything, I’d just drop a small reference to how much time has passed somewhere in another paragraph and just leave it at that. Should you wish to bring these points up, then I’d put in more details and make them more relevant to the story.

Tohron felt as though the brief battle had been a glimpse of their future, and that they were now getting used to a schedule which could resemble what they did for the rest of their lives.

Why? What makes Tohron feel this way? From a reader’s perspective, I honestly can’t find much of an explanation, other than the fact that it’s convenient for the plot (and that’s a horrible explanation on its own.) It doesn’t have to be much, just a quick conversation or something he sees, but this definitely feels like it needs some expansion, because otherwise, there’re no grounds for this viewpoint that are accessible the reader.

It was clear that the planet they now inhabited was rapidly becoming an impediment.

Er...again, maybe to them, but the reader gets no hint of this up until now, when you propose a massive shift. The idea here is perfectly fine, but I’d at least drop a clue about this in a previous chapter, so that the reader knows that they are contemplating such a move, because it seems like they have a pretty good setup here just at face value, which would give them no need to pack up.

On this world, it was necessary to maintain constant secrecy, in a place where those who were set apart from them were far too numerous for comfort.

The wording of this sentence seems odd to me, since it reads grammatically as if the last part modifies the second part, not the world. If I’m reading this correctly, I’d reshuffle this to “On this world, where those...” or just cut the last part entirely, since it is sort of implied.

When they made their inevitable exit, Tohron planned to take several people with him, people that could be trusted to have faith in the society that they would create, work hard, and most importantly, keep what they had learned an absolute secret. Already, Tohron and his comrades had gathered an extensive list of promising personalities.

Some quibbles: “several people” contradicts “an extensive list,” in that the latter can suggest far more individuals than the former. I’d switch out “extensive” for a different word, perhaps “detailed.” Also, in the first sentence, “people that” should be “people who.”

As for the work they were doing, each of them had been constructing a specialized fighter that was tuned to its designer’s needs.

As I mentioned earlier, I don’t see the point of introducing all these details now, since the chapter’s main focus is somewhere else. That aside, I’d argue (perhaps as usual) that your descriptions of the spacecraft are too dry and sound like telling instead of showing; it feels forced to have the narration just list off various features and qualities of these fighters. I’d see if you can’t get some of these details across to the reader in a way that’s integrated with the events of the story as opposed to so removed from it; perhaps the three of them could be chatting about their craft or something, which would give you a much better opportunity to demonstrate this to the reader while also touching on the characters, instead of making a full stop to the action (though this is by no means an infallible method.)

Caithar was satisfied with the Penetrator he had flown earlier, and was now working on making additions to the design, such as a small onboard factory that could construct new missiles and torpedoes from raw materials.

The onboard factory seems silly and unrealistic to me, since even if they managed to miniaturize the factory down to the size of several missiles, which I’d imagine would be the minimum because there has to be room to put the product together and then move it to a storage area such as a launch tube, they’d still need to have the space for the raw materials. Since refining tends to cost material as part of the process, I don’t see how they’d be able to store enough raw material in the fighter to make this feature worthwhile (or even feasible.) After all, that space could just go to storing missiles.

The ship’s structure was bulky but powerful, and its silver/red exterior dominated its portion of the hanger.

“Silver/red” should be “silver and red” or “silver-red” (though the latter’s a bit awkward as it can suggest a single color.) As far as I know, phrases using a slash, such as and/or, are too informal for a story’s narration. Also, “hangar” (with an “a”) is the proper spelling for an aircraft storage building.

Ihyona was building something entirely new: a sleek, silver vessel with enhancements that allowed it to deploy a large arsenal of specialized and deadly robots, cripple electronic devices from long range, and access a computer network from several kilometers away.

I’d suggest not just listing off the craft’s abilities, since this feels like a sales pitch or something (It slices! It dices!) Instead, I’d focus on what the craft looks like, and use the description to let the reader infer its possible uses. It carries battle robots? Mention that there’s a launching bay somewhere and let the reader do the rest.

It could be a battering ram, a deflector shield, and a minesweeper, a weapon, an enhancer, a resistance field… its uses were near infinite.

Again, I’d strongly advise against listing off all the roles Tohron’s craft could fulfill. Not only does this sound like a product presentation, you’re spoiling the surprise of these potential tricks, which will make future instances of these uses (if any) seem a lot less creative and original. In terms of character presentation and the effect on the reader, there’s a huge difference between Tohron doing something you’ve described before and Tohron figuring out a new way to use his toy under the gun. Given that, I’d cut this entirely and just leave the preceding sentence; the reader should be able to figure most of these out without further explanation. Also, “an enhancer” is way too general (an enhancer of what? Speed? Firepower? Furriness? ) and “a resistance field” just sounds like technobabble.

Even though incomplete patches stood out amidst the smooth armoring, Tohron could still feel the great power this thing possessed.

“Thing” is too vague a word to use in narration (unless the object you’re referencing really is vague from the appropriate perspective,) so I’d use something more specific here.

Tohron had still failed ito decide whether they would simply operate as improvements, or whether they would possess a sub-mind similar to his own.

“Ito” seems like a typo for “to.” More importantly, I’d very much like to see Tohron go through the process of thinking about this matter, seeing what he considers to be important and what is an acceptable risk or cost, that sort of thing. If you show him wrestling with this and weighing his options, then he’s more than a black box. As it is, all the reader really gets later is the output of his mental computer, when it’s the reasoning that distinguishes people from each other.

The advantages of a ‘double brain’ would include increased protection from many psionic weapons, but a mental conflict between two such entities could become a serious impediment if it ever arose.

Although this is something the reader should know, I’d argue that the presentation here feels too removed from the story and so reads a lot like you’re just pausing things to drop in a few crucial points; that interruption feels very unnatural and kills the atmosphere. I’d see if you can’t work this into a scene; maybe Tohron’s flipping through some of the literature on cybernetics and reads these two qualities from some work. In general, if you need to explain something, do it within the context of the characters’ actions or some other event, or you risk disrupting the flow of the story.

Finally, lying awake in his bed one night, Tohron made a decision.

“Made a decision” is redundant, since that should be obvious from the next line. In general, be careful about summary bits like this one, because they’re largely unnecessary and just slow the story down.

Although it will be hard to separate myself from my organic past, what is the past but the foundation upon which the future is built?

Previous comments regarding Tohron’s thought processes aside, this and a few other lines in particular seem like they’re designed for the audience’s consumption as opposed to sounding natural. Granted, this works in some settings, such as plays, but where there’s a narrator, I think this gets iffy because it adds more reasons for character/narrator confusion, which is already something of an issue, in my opinion. Given that, I’d make this sound less like an actor’s line in a play.

If I am to achieve anything, I must be able to move ahead.

This seems like stating the obvious, and although people certainly don’t think with perfect logic, this internal monologue is already a bit on the longwinded side, so I’d cut it out.

The gap I must traverse is large, but if I am to go on, it must be crossed.

Again, this seems too dramatic to be natural. As suggested for the other instance, I’d try to move this a bit more towards organic thought.

As the helmet slowly neared completion, Tohron spent much of his time enjoying the various pleasures of being a human, knowing that soon, the opportunity to experience that life would be gone forever.

The transition from Tohron’s nighttime musings to this felt abrupt to me; I’d give a small hint of the passage of time or something here. That aside, this is a good opportunity to add in some details on Tohron’s character, even if that part of him is about to change. Something like “spent much of his time outside, feeling the wind on his face” is a much better image and suggests something about Tohron, as opposed to just summarizing things away.

And indeed, these hands will never touch them, Tohron thought, looking at his flesh-covered fingers.

“Flesh-covered” doesn’t really work, since fingers are part flesh, as opposed to flesh being separable from them.

Then the helmet was completed. Tohron placed his tools onto the floor, and looked around his room.

Again, the transition from the previous part to here seems badly rushed.

Twilight was setting in, the light from his windows was now a yellow-orange, and the random items scattered around were endowed with a dim glow by the fading sunlight.

I think the comma after “setting in” should be a semicolon.

Shadows were starting to fall though, and his closet was already nearly pitch black.

There should be a comma after “fall.”

Once they were scattered below him, he stood up one last time, feeling his human limbs support their burden.

“Below” seems like the wrong word here, especially if he was already sitting down or something. I’d use “around,” personally.

Then Tohron reclined upon the floor, placing the back sections of his armor below him.

The last part sounds awkward, since it sounds like he places something underneath him after he lies down. I’d switch the order of the two parts.

Tohron turned the helmet around and lowered in over his head.

That should be “lowered it.”

The mental improvements were taking place.

This seems unnecessary, since the point here should be clear in the following sentences. I’d suggest removing it, because it also breaks up the flow of the story.

As neurons were replaced with microcomputers of the highest caliber, Tohron felt the consequences in a way no human had before.

I’m not exactly sure what you meant here, since the wording is really odd, but if you meant literally that the microcomputers were being implanted into his skull, then I’d think he’d need a lot more than just his suit for this operation. I mean, the Ghost program under the Confederacy didn’t just plug a few things into their operatives and throw them into the field; that’s what the whole program was for. I’d also think that, at the very least, this should be done under sterile conditions, and bedrooms rarely qualify as such.

His mind, so focused on this machine, had imprinted itself on the circuitry, making the place its own.

This sounded pretty unbelievable to me, at least with such a short description of how he built the helmet. In fact, I’m not really sure at all what happened here.

His body was no longer a weak construction of flesh and bone, it was an detailed work of advanced technology and deadly weapons.

I’d reword this to “...bone, but a detailed work...” because it seems a bit like a comma splice as it is (though it may also be correct.)

He was higher that anything before – nothing existed to stop him.

That should be “higher than anything.” That aside, “higher” doesn’t really have a clear meaning here.

This might be a new life that he had began, but the old one could not just be pushed aside.

“Began” should be “begun.”

And the galaxy is immense - even with his all of my newfound strength, I cannot accomplish anything alone.

There’s an extra “his” here.

Sitting down heavily, Tohron waited for the cybernetic replacement process to finish, countless philosophies flying though his hybrid brain, as he searched for an answer to life.

You lost me here. Life per se doesn’t have or need an answer, does it?

Overall, I like the direction this is going. However, I think it also needs a lot of work with regard to a number of elements, and some major issues, primarily characterization, are still looming. It’s got potential and I’ll ride with it some more, but speaking frankly and other points aside, if the characters don’t get more details, I don’t think this is going to turn out particularly well. Thanks for posting!