Fulcrum

[Anyee]

It's back in production but I've forgotten how to write. Help!

Chapter 27

We all leapt to our feet as the shards of flaming rock rained down on the camp, cratering the ground and lighting several of the tents as they fell. Rogues massed about us, some trying to douse the spreading blazes, some trying to aid their Sisters who had been struck, some climbing to the barricades to find the source of the intrusion. Paige had rushed out of the sleeping quarters and was assembling my armor along with hers, re-equipping her leathers with trembling and determined hands before trying to dress me. Another wave of fire came down upon us and I dodged a fist-sized brick of earth that smoldered unpleasantly where I had just stood. I too fastened chain and strap to my body against the invasion.

Akara and Cain had taken to chanting, her muttering fast and low while he sang in deep, spare tones. He had placed his hands upon her shoulders as she kindled with a pale glow that spread and pulsed about the two of them, then grew to envelop the camp. An audacious use of magic when the land was so rank with corruption; they both knew that it could only hold for a time, even if Cain was acting as a conduit to filter some of the darkness from the energy they pulled. Still, the barrier would be enough for us to determine what was going on and how best to stop it. The next blast was deflected out as both Akara and Cain stumbled back from the blow, then resumed again.

A great shout came up from the Rogues on the walls and I saw several of them draw their bows to fire. I heard the rabble-cry of demonkin and the grating clank of skeletal armor as the gate of the camp was besieged. I ran forward to battle, shattering ancient bone and spilling foul blood as the angry clouds belched forth their infernal rain once again. But these demonic minions had not been the cause for the outcry. From beyond my sight, a shrieking voice called out a single name, howling it as spell and battle-cry, then screamed an obscenity that caused the dirt around me to roil like tempest-laden waters. Gira had returned.

By this time, Bane had organized the Rogues and with great yells was timing their volleys to strike against the waves of the veteran’s invaders. Paige had climbed up to join her Sisters under his practiced command, which did not falter even as the monsters reached him and he took up his axe. Charsi came through the camp swinging her hammer in one hand and a great sword in the other, swirling her enemies through the air and slamming them against the ground, a wild and dangerous gleam in her eyes that confirmed her ancient Barbarian heritage. She emitted a throaty warcry and decapitated a minor incubus that had cornered Gheed, then bounded off to help Bane. Gheed then crawled under his cart and rocked back and forth, poorly concealing the damp spot that had formed in the front of his robes. Warriv fared a bit better and took to joining the impromptu bucket brigade rather than trying his luck in armed combat. I glanced around at the blur of bows and swords, but Kashya was nowhere to be found.

I sliced my way through the demon army towards its insane commander, who leered at me with a razor-grin offset by her now deep green flesh. Her once-simple Rogue garb had been artfully parodied using the skin of her former Sisters as its fabric, adorned here and there by bones, bugs, and ancient amulets. She leveled a bow of me made from the same grisly materials, still-visible ribs and femurs protruding from the massive weapon as she drew the string and shot. I dodged the arrows and barreled into her chest with both claws, but it was like hitting a fortification. The armor shifted and repulsed me as I danced back to avoid another missile. I sprang to my feet, readied my spirit, and tried again, but I was thrown back once more, this time almost to the door of the battling encampment. My failure was compounded by that of the Rogues, since even their skilled marksmanship left not a scratch on the body of their former comrade. I reached into my soul for whatever darkness had supposedly once given me such power, but the clear energies of my chi only reflected back and I was left with nothing more than I thought I had. Still the demons came, summoned and fed by the madness of Gira, who once again called the name of her target and shook the earth with her fury.

“Bane! Akara!” I cried, running past the ruined gate. “This isn’t working.” We had not yet lost ground against the tidal assault, but we were fighting at full force and had not stemmed the flow of enemies. It was unlikely that we could continue to hold the barricades for more than a few minutes, at the most. The ancient priestess did not reply as she levitated a few inches off the ground, channeling her spell, but I could see that her power was waning. The next influx of cursed rain was greaetly reduced, but not reflected; I had no doubts that the next would be the last she could withstand. Cain stood ready to take her place, but without a buffer, he would quickly be overcome by Andariel’s taint and pose to us as great a risk as the magical assault.

And through the smoke and fire, through the shower of arrows and flaming earth, through the screams of the demons and the warcries of the Barbarians, through the scurrying forms of the Rogues and the unnatural sway of the skeletons, between my fighting form and the immobile chanters, came Kashya. She too had been transformed, wearing not the beaten chain-mail and headdress that was her daily garb, but instead her battlegear, the armor that had seen her to Hell and back. Time slowed as she walked past, ignoring the tumult about her, passing through the melee to the door of the camp. Her face was concealed fully by a massive horned helm that joined a gleaming silver-blue chestplate by a fine, gilded mesh. Her arms, her legs were plated beyond recognition and only her hands showed flesh, for in them was clenched a bow. Ravenna’s bow. Blood dripped from the places where the razor-string had sliced her hands, but now I knew its other purpose, and I rushed to stop her, but was overwhelmed by a swarm of demons who pushed me back into the camp. I fought them off, but by this time, she had positioned herself in the midst of the invaders who, strangely enough, seemed to be ignoring her presence.

Gira called out Kashya’s name again and was not disappointed when Kashya returned the hail, standing at ease with an arrow nocked in her bow. I heard the veteran’s voice, the one she never used when she was whole, repeating the dread proclamation that Blood Raven had made to all of them. “You will die by fire, Sister. You will die in torment and agony a thousand times over. Or you will embrace the darkness and the freedom it gives. Through Andariel, you will see your anguish renewed and transformed to power beyond your imagination. Come, Kashya. Come back to me.”

And suddenly it was not Gira who stood there, but Ravenna, as she must have looked before becoming Blood Raven, a beautiful young woman of long black hair and dark olive skin whose arms were outstretched towards Kashya, beckoning, offering, an insult to wilt the resolve of her would-be killer. But the leader of the Rogues was unmoved and brought her bow untrembling to her eye, leveling her aim at the face of her love. I called out to Bane for help and soon he was beside me, wading through the battle towards the doomed Captain. I saw the blood run down the bowstring as Kashya whispered something; a fork of lightning entwined the arcing arrow that sank shaft-deep into the chest of Gira. The veteran screamed and unleashed a torrent of flames from her hand, but the impeccable armor of the Rogue merely gleamed in the heat as Kashya replied with an arrow-carried fireball of her own, and then another shot pulsating with dark energy. These found their mark with no less ease and the demon-Rogue sank to her knees, the apparition of Ravenna flickering as she lost her concentration. Kashya drew back her bowstring for the finishing move, only to find herself knocked down by a massive blow from Bane.

I reached the dying demon and looked deep into her black-red eyes. I recalled the face of Blood Raven as I had released her spirit and prepared to offer the same to Gira. “You…cannot…save her from…my fate,” the creature spat. Now the sphere was upon me and I felt a rush of voices from my tongue. “Yes, we can,” they echoed and the demon beneath me cringed. I plunged my blade through her heart and watched the corrupted soul spin out of the final wound to dissappate in the wind. Her eyes cleared to pale brown and then shut, leaving Kashya the last of her kind.

The sky cleared immediately and crashing metal signaled that the magic animating the hundreds of undead warriors had been staunched. The Rogues upon the barricades would finish the demonkin, but my thoughts were upon Kashya, only Kashya, as I withdrew the weapon from Gira’s chest and wiped it on my pants. She had risen to face Bane, who had sunk to one knee and spat up blood from his untimely illness. Her bow was taut and the arrow prepared to sink through his skull, but I knew her eyes were upon me, though I could not see them through the veil of steel. Now I approached her as a friend but also as an assassin. I weighed her stance and capabilities with every step even as I longed to soothe her. Heavy plate and decades of combat would give her tactical skills, but the years of loss and tumult would give her fearlessness and recklessness. She did not shy from death or corruption by the unseen any longer; that she drew upon her ancient blood magic, the first time since Tristram, was proof enough. Had the forces she’d conjured to defeat Gira twisted her as they had all others? And if she fell, what of the Rogues?

I raised my blades to her. “Kashya,” I called, stilling the tremor that threatened to choke my voice, “it is finished. Your foes are dead. Let us return to the camp.”

“Are they now, An’yee?” The bow moved from Bane’s grateful body to mine. I stopped my advance. He rolled away with a single movement and retrieved his axe from where he’d dropped it during his charge, then shifted his body so that he could strike her with a languid swing. Now the three of us stood poised to strike, none wanting to move, all wanting to end this, but none sure how. The bow came up and another droplet of red fluid flowed down and splashed on her mirrored greaves.

“Kashya, what in the burning hells are you doing,” called Paige from the towertop. Her quiver empty, my young companion could only watch in confusion as we squared off.

“I’m giving An’yee an excuse to do what I cannot. That is why she was brought here, after all.” Her voice cracked. “I’m corrupted and she is here to purge the land.”

“Lies, Kashya. I was brought to help you retake the Monastery…”

“Retake the Monastery, cleanse the land of demons, and strike down any Rogue who had fallen prey to polluted magics. I know what your commission said. I wrote it myself. For myself.” Her words were adamant and frantic.

Her foresight had been terribly logical; she’d seen Kaya succumb at Tristram and Ravenna after. I was to insure that she would not turn as they had, but rather remain whole unto the grave, for who better to sense even a mote of corruption…than an assassin.

I inched forward and another drop of blood fell from her hand. “I swear, Kashya, by this land, by the Mothers, by my blades, by the Prophecy, and by anything else I can think of, that if I see even a hint of Andariel’s influence, I will gut you where you stand.” I held up the hand where seemingly ages ago we had bound ourselves by the ancient oath. “This is my promise and that of my people.”

This satisfied her enough that she slowly lowered the bow. She went to put it on the ground but hesistated and removed her cloak, swaddling the weapon in the aged fabric before letting it rest on the ground. Even at her disarming, Bane seemed unwilling to relax his defensive stance. Now his position was joined by Akara and Caine, both ancient faces drained of color and expression from the incredible exertion, the likes of which neither had partaken in for decades. They did not question or seek explanation; it was likely they had guessed already. Paige upon the watchtowers calling out to both of us and finally running down the wooden ladders to scamper beside me. My eyes were on Kashya, but there must have been something in my posture that made my assistant retreat a few steps She had the good sense not to say anything, but her confusion filled my senses and quivered my resolve.

Ungauntleted fingers undid the straps of the breastplate, where is slammed to the ground as a testament to its construction. The legplates as well were carefully undone and allowed to fall, leaving Kashya in her more traditional dress, save the massive helm now obscuring her entire face. Now she raised her hands to the colossal metal faceplate and someone drew in a breath, expectantly. Perhaps it was Paige or her or even me, but I knew it didn’t matter. I knew what was behind the helm from the moment her hand had been opened on the bowstring. From behind rust-stained eyelids and framed by her pale countenance, Kashya’s eyes were burning red.

It was impossible to tell how long the corruption had festered within the Rogue Captain, but the evil that seized every one who escaped Tristram had not left her untouched. Yet she had staved off the insidious madness that had come upon her sisters and still commanded both her mind and body without fail. There are poisons I can drink without fear since I have imbibed them in small quantities for many years; so too, perhaps, the near-fatal wound inflicted by Lazarus had plunged enough of this malevolent force into her body that she was strengthened against the demonic plague seeping from the very earth. But that would not have been enough for her to channel the magics she used on Gira without exposing her soul to Andariel’s darkness. And so she had chosen to put aside her uncertain but terrible future and take the path of willing damnation. Damnation that I was now tasked to prevent.

“Don’t you see,” she whispered. “You were wrong. I hid it from everyone. I had to. But I can’t…” Her words trailed off to quiet panicked gibbering. Paige let out a whispered cry that she stifled. I felt her back away again; had I been in her shoes, I might have started running there.g


Bane caught my eye and I nodded. My mind and body knew what I must do, but my heart’s twin desires slammed rampant into one another. How could I kill this person whose nobility, courage, and counsel were so desperately needed, yet how could I condemn her to becoming the seething monstrosity that lay just a few feet from us? If I did not kill her now, what havoc would she wreak when I left the land? What would I, who had seen strange portents of a dark future, wish done to me if faced by a member of my own tribe? I swore that I would fulfill this covenant but in my heart the wrongness of the situations screamed to make its displeasure known. My instinct at the moment was one of comfort, not one of assassination, and that was the one I acted upon.

I removed my helm and put it on the floor, closed the distance and clasped her in my arms. Our foreheads touched softly and I heard her whispering her apologies and thanks through silent tears. We held one another among our silent comrades, our breathing muted and slow in our embrace. I let my lips linger at hers for a moment and then slipped the dagger through her mail and between her ribs, opening the ancient scar that had borne her so much agony. She was still grateful in her words, even as the wound opened, blood pouring out from the coarse edges and welling in the crevices between our bodies. I watched her eyes widen, but I knew she felt no pain but that of life ebbing away and with it, the unearthly red glow of her orbs. They shone blue for a moment, pure and clear and full of emotion, then lidded as she died. In the end, it was neither duty nor fear that let me kill her; it was love.

I could only hold her for a few more minutes, her warmth still present though her soul had fled. Then the Barbarian rested a hand on my shoulder to stir me from my reverie. Bane helped me ease the body off my blade and cradled her. “How much time do we have,” he asked.

I looked at the sun. “A few hours, probably less.”

He started back towards the camp with her in his arms, leaving me soaking in her blood. “We’d best set off, then.” I followed him, only to be grabbed by a weeping Paige.

“Time for what? Set off where?”

I looked at her tears and approved them. “We are going to kill Andariel. We are going to bring Kashya back.”

[Raging_Zealot]

Good writing as usual, I had all but forgotten about Fulcrum, and did have to stop and think a little bit as to who the characters were, since it had been so long since reading the last chapters. I was around lurking when they were written though, so enough was remembered for it to be a good read.

She leveled a bow of me made from the same grisly materials, still-visible ribs and femurs protruding from the massive weapon as she drew the string and shot.

I think you mean "at me" rather than "of me". The "...drew the string and shot." strikes me as a little strange, but I wouldn't actually consider it wrong. Seems as though it would be better as "fired" or "shot it", take that one with a large grain of salt as its just IMO.

Now his position was joined by Akara and Caine, both ancient faces drained of color and expression from the incredible exertion, the likes of which neither had partaken in for decades.

Cain*

...but there must have been something in my posture that made my assistant retreat a few steps She had the good sense not to say anything, but her confusion filled my senses and quivered my resolve.

Add some form of punctuation between steps and She?

I felt her back away again; had I been in her shoes, I might have started running there.g

left over g from something?


That's all that really jumped out at me, it should tide you over till RK can give it a once over :smiley: .

[RevenantsKnight]

Well...moving things along quickly now, I see. Overall, I thought this was decent, though to me, it had some notable strong points and deficiencies. I very much like the ideas upon which this chapter is based, such as the take on Tristram and Kashya’s time there; your characters were also well developed prior to this point, so the ending of this worked nicely. However, I think the battle scene did not get quite enough time to read engagingly and create a good set of images; it feels a little like you rushed through it to get to the end. Some specific comments, and apologies in advance if I hit something Raging_Zealot already caught:

We all leapt to our feet as the shards of flaming rock rained down on the camp, cratering the ground and lighting several of the tents as they fell.

A few nitpicks: I’d drop the “the” before “shards” here, since that makes it seem as if you’re referring to specific shards, and as this is the start of the chapter, that notion feels awkward. Also, “lighting” is perhaps too vague for this; I’d suggest using maybe “igniting” so that your meaning is clear and so the reader gets a stronger mental image.

Rogues massed about us, some trying to douse the spreading blazes, some trying to aid their Sisters who had been struck, some climbing to the barricades to find the source of the intrusion.

This is definitely a subjective comment, but that felt a bit unwieldy with its length and repeated construction. It might be worthwhile to play around with this a bit more to see if you can’t find a wording that breaks this into two sentences. Also, “climbing to the barricades” sounded a little odd to me, because I was using the game’s image of the encampment walls (I assume that’s what you meant) and with those, there’s no context where “climbing” makes sense to me. If you’re using a different plan of the encampment, all the better, but it’d be a good idea to drop a few reminders in the previous chapter or two.

Another wave of fire came down upon us and I dodged a fist-sized brick of earth that smoldered unpleasantly where I had just stood.

This read a little oddly because there’s no mention of the object impacting on the surface, just going from the air to smoldering on the ground. I’d think that this would be clearer if it were worded something like “...earth that smashed into the ground where I had just stood, smoldering unpleasantly,” though whether that’s necessary is up for debate.

I too fastened chain and strap to my body against the invasion.

This read weirdly with “against the invasion,” though I caught your meaning. If you want, you could drop it for brevity.

A great shout came up from the Rogues on the walls and I saw several of them draw their bows to fire.

Pet peeve: it’s more accurate to use “shoot,” not “fire,” for a bow. That use of the verb came about with guns.

I heard the rabble-cry of demonkin and the grating clank of skeletal armor as the gate of the camp was besieged.

This is one of the instances where I think the description of the battle could have been stronger without changing the story’s pacing or focus a significant amount. Switching out the passive voice (“was besieged”) here for the active voice would give you a point to go into the fighting in some more detail, either just with one image at the end of the sentence here or as a short series of back-and-forth before An’yee goes rampaging in. Granted, the demons vs. Rogues part isn’t your focus, but establishing this as the backdrop for the Gira/Kashya head-to-head would give the reader a better overall feel for the scene, of which there isn’t much as it is now.

By this time, Bane had organized the Rogues and with great yells was timing their volleys to strike against the waves of the veteran’s invaders.

“The veteran’s invaders” threw me for a moment, as it wasn’t clear at first to whom it referred. It might help to just be specific here.

She emitted a throaty warcry and decapitated a minor incubus that had cornered Gheed, then bounded off to help Bane.

This confused me, since on a first read I’d had no reason to believe that some demons had broken through and Gheed would almost certainly not be near the gate.

Gheed then crawled under his cart and rocked back and forth, poorly concealing the damp spot that had formed in the front of his robes.

This is certainly in character, but I’d see if you can work this in without slowing down the pace of the story. As it is, shifting the focus to a nice but decidedly unimportant detail seems distracting. Maybe revising the previous sentence to read something like “...to help Bane, leaving Gheed (etc.)” would work for that purpose.

Warriv fared a bit better and took to joining the impromptu bucket brigade rather than trying his luck in armed combat.

I’d suggest removing “fared a bit better” and rewording as necessary; it makes it sound like he was attacked and someone pulled his butt out of the fire, and since there’s no explanation of that, it’s confusing.

She leveled a bow of me made from the same grisly materials, still-visible ribs and femurs protruding from the massive weapon as she drew the string and shot.

Raging_Zealot’s points here are good ones, I’d say; you could just leave the ending as “...drew back the string” and keep the shooting implied.

I dodged the arrows and barreled into her chest with both claws, but it was like hitting a fortification.

I’d be more specific than “fortification” here; something more vivid would probably get the idea across better, as well as draw the reader in more.

The armor shifted and repulsed me as I danced back to avoid another missile.

The simultaneity of actions indicated by “as” is a really odd image...if An’yee’s dodging, then there should be little need for the armor to repulse her. This seems like it should be in sequence, perhaps linked by “and” (though then you might want to reword the first part to remove the first “and.”)

My failure was compounded by that of the Rogues, since even their skilled marksmanship left not a scratch on the body of their former comrade.

This felt a bit dry, since it’s a quick summary of facts as opposed to a scene playing itself out before the reader, though to me this feels like a place where you could justify such a presentation by arguing that you want to move the story along quickly. I’d say it depends on whether you’re worried about bogging down the reader or not; if that’s not a problem, expanding it or switching it to focus on a few seconds of action might not be a bad idea.

I reached into my soul for whatever darkness had supposedly once given me such power, but the clear energies of my chi only reflected back and I was left with nothing more than I thought I had.

...and that was confusing. I’m not sure what you meant by the “darkness,” though that could be because I haven’t read some chapters in a while. Either way, the wording after “chi” starts to break down a bit, I think...I’d try to tighten up that last part.

Still the demons came, summoned and fed by the madness of Gira, who once again called the name of her target and shook the earth with her fury.

”Target” makes Gira sound almost mechanical; I’d suggest replacing that with something else.

We had not yet lost ground against the tidal assault, but we were fighting at full force and had not stemmed the flow of enemies.

I caught what you meant by “tidal,” but it seems like the wrong word here; using it the way you do here makes it seem as if you mean it literally as opposed to figuratively, and the literal reading sounds weird.

The next influx of cursed rain was greaetly reduced, but not reflected; I had no doubts that the next would be the last she could withstand.

That should be “greatly.”

And through the smoke and fire, through the shower of arrows and flaming earth, through the screams of the demons and the warcries of the Barbarians, through the scurrying forms of the Rogues and the unnatural sway of the skeletons, between my fighting form and the immobile chanters, came Kashya.

“Sway” should be “swaying,” I think. Also, using the plural of “Barbarian” here seems odd; while I guess you could count Bane and Charsi, doing that seems like calling a second-generation American of German ancestry a German. Finally...where the heck is An’yee in the camp? Last I checked, she was near the gate, having been knocked back to that point, and “between my fighting form and the immobile chanters” places her more towards its heart, if I’m getting everything straight.

Her face was concealed fully by a massive horned helm that joined a gleaming silver-blue chestplate by a fine, gilded mesh.

Hrm...I think that should be “...that was joined to a gleaming...,” though I could be wrong.

Her arms, her legs were plated beyond recognition and only her hands showed flesh, for in them was clenched a bow.

Using “for” here makes it sound as if there’s a causal relationship between using a bow and having bare hands; I’d suggest rewording this somehow, since that isn’t the case.

Blood dripped from the places where the razor-string had sliced her hands, but now I knew its other purpose, and I rushed to stop her, but was overwhelmed by a swarm of demons who pushed me back into the camp. I fought them off, but by this time, she had positioned herself in the midst of the invaders who, strangely enough, seemed to be ignoring her presence.

This felt rather dry to me. There’s a lot of “I (or “she”) did X,” and several points where the reader gets what feels more like an overview of a story than a first-person narration (“demons who pushed me back,” “I fought them off.”) Again, unless you’re seriously worried about taking too long with this chapter, I’d suggest giving the reader a more concrete, tangible image of what’s happening, because that would create a more gripping story, I’d think.

I heard the veteran’s voice, the one she never used when she was whole, repeating the dread proclamation that Blood Raven had made to all of them.

“Veteran’s” was confusing at first, since I’d sooner attribute that to Kashya due to a greater knowledge of what she has survived. It’s also surprisingly neutral, or even positive, in tone, as it comes from An’yee’s perspective and is directed at an enemy.

These found their mark with no less ease and the demon-Rogue sank to her knees, the apparition of Ravenna flickering as she lost her concentration.

“Demon-Rogue”...there we go. Maybe it’s just me, but I’d suggest working with this sort of label for Gira as opposed to “veteran,” which seems to have a bit of a contradictory tone given the context.

Kashya drew back her bowstring for the finishing move, only to find herself knocked down by a massive blow from Bane.

“Finishing move” seems unnecessarily vague, as well as slightly reminiscent of the stupid Mortal Kombat series of games. I’d replace “move” with something else, personally.

I reached the dying demon and looked deep into her black-red eyes. I recalled the face of Blood Raven as I had released her spirit and prepared to offer the same to Gira.

This entire paragraph seemed a bit repetitive with the common subject-verb opening of most sentences. I’d try to restructure a few of them at least so that it isn’t as noticeable.

Now the sphere was upon me and I felt a rush of voices from my tongue.

It’s quite likely that this may be due to the fact that I haven’t read all of Fulcrum lately, but I totally missed what this meant. If it’s not mentioned in the preceding several chapters, a reminder or two here and there couldn’t hurt.

I plunged my blade through her heart and watched the corrupted soul spin out of the final wound to dissappate in the wind.

That should be “dissipate.”

The Rogues upon the barricades would finish the demonkin, but my thoughts were upon Kashya, only Kashya, as I withdrew the weapon from Gira’s chest and wiped it on my pants.

The use of “but” here seems off to me, since it signals a contrast between two elements and I don’t see such a relationship if her first thought is that the Rogues could easily handle the remaining demons. I’d either rewrite the first part so that the Rogues are going about that task, to contrast their action with her lack of fighting, or change “but” out for some other conjunction.

Her bow was taut and the arrow prepared to sink through his skull, but I knew her eyes were upon me, though I could not see them through the veil of steel.

I totally missed Kashya’s intent at first, though this could just be me. I think part of the problem here is that her actions are described in a very factual manner; there’s no sense of surprise on An’yee’s part, so I was inclined to read this as normal for her and therefore unthreatening.

The bow moved from Bane’s grateful body to mine. I stopped my advance. He rolled away with a single movement and retrieved his axe from where he’d dropped it during his charge, then shifted his body so that he could strike her with a languid swing.

This read like a list to me with the repeated sentence beginning structures. I’d see if you can’t do some rewording here to break up that feeling.

“Kashya, what in the burning hells are you doing,” called Paige from the towertop.

I’d end her speech with a question mark, even if it is a somewhat rhetorical question.

Her quiver empty, my young companion could only watch in confusion as we squared off.

...so she should hurry up and get some more ammo. Personally, I’d believe it quite happily if you just chalked up Paige’s inaction to her mental state; throwing in a logistical explanation such as an empty quiver makes it seem like a much easier fix.

She went to put it on the ground but hesistated and removed her cloak, swaddling the weapon in the aged fabric before letting it rest on the ground.

That should be “hesitated.” Also, I’d try to cut one instance of “ground” here, perhaps by replacing the first one with “She moved to drop it but hesitated...” or something to that effect.

Paige upon the watchtowers calling out to both of us and finally running down the wooden ladders to scamper beside me.

Uh...this seems like it came out faulty. Did you mean something like “Paige stood upon the watchtowers, calling out to both of us, and finally ran down...”

Ungauntleted fingers undid the straps of the breastplate, where is slammed to the ground as a testament to its construction.

“...where is slammed...” should be “...where it slammed...” Also, “ungauntleted” seemed, well, awkward...it’s a bit of a mouthful to say. Finally, this reads as if the armor’s impact with the ground was the testament to its construction; I’d think you’d want it to refer more to the fact that it doesn’t take any damage as a result. A revision’s probably in order.

Now she raised her hands to the colossal metal faceplate and someone drew in a breath, expectantly.

The comma here is unnecessary.

From behind rust-stained eyelids and framed by her pale countenance, Kashya’s eyes were burning red.

“From behind” doesn’t seem to work with the rest of the sentence; it sounds like something should be emerging “from behind” them or something like that, but the verb here is “were,” which doesn’t match that expectation. Also...why “rust-stained”? Did I miss something?

I felt her back away again; had I been in her shoes, I might have started running there.g

Raging_Zealot’s excellent catch aside, I think the “there” at the end should be “then.”

I removed my helm and put it on the floor, closed the distance and clasped her in my arms.

“Floor” seems wrong to me, since they’re outside. “Ground” or “earth” would work fine, I’d think.

I let my lips linger at hers for a moment and then slipped the dagger through her mail and between her ribs, opening the ancient scar that had borne her so much agony.

I’d change “the dagger” to “my dagger”; as it is, “the” makes it seem as though you’ve recently specified or described some dagger, which is not the case.

She was still grateful in her words, even as the wound opened, blood pouring out from the coarse edges and welling in the crevices between our bodies.

The comma after “words” seems unnecessary to me.

I could only hold her for a few more minutes, her warmth still present though her soul had fled.

I think the comma here should be a semicolon or a period, since the subject seems to change.

“How much time do we have,” he asked.

The comma here should be a question mark, I’d think.

I looked at her tears and approved them.

Hrm...this read as if she “approved” the tears like a meat inspector approving meat for sale, if you know what I mean. If you mean that she thought favorably of them, then I’d try to find a way to use “approvingly” here so that there’s no ambiguity.

Overall, I thought this was a good read, though there are definitely parts that I think could use some improvement. Let me know if you want suggestions/clarifications on this matter, and thanks for posting!

[Anyee]

Okay, I've gone through the comments and fleshed out whatever needed work. My only qualm is rexplaining the sphere thing for the billionth time. Since An'yee herself doesn't really know what it is doing, I'm wary of revealing too much. I will leave it as is and if people find it too confusing, I'll figure it out more.

[kivati]

Nice, you have continued it! great (this is old bane by the way)

[kivati]

Must read more ; )

[Raging_Zealot]

Got me all excited thinking there was an update, lol.
OT: Are you still planning on posting up some Bane?

[DIIRob]

Finally finished reading through all 27 chapters...

jajkjkfjawoeiauxlkvjxzlkjclawsdfjsafjwoisjlkvjlxzk

... is about as sensical a response as I can come up with :shocked:

Please keep this story going! I am so drawn in!

[Silverbeard]

I read the prior chapters and finally found this one just by luck. Like DIIRob, I'm very drawn in as well! I've been reading The Key by tamrend (excellent by the way) and I can't wait to see how these stories play out!

[tamrend]

Fulcrum was my inspiration to start writing Diablo fanfic. Until I stumbled upon it here, fanfic equated to low-quality writing for me. I hope Anyee is still writing, wherever she is.