Zoltarach: Necromancer beginnings

**Beltyn** · 03-01-2006, 23:40

Hiya all, this is my first venture into fan fiction so feel free to bash away at anything i muck up

Us over on the classic forum are planning one of those ultimate quest thingies and i started to make up back story for my character.

What started as being 5 minutes went quite extended, and this is result. I've fed it through spell checker to deal with most errors from original post.

This is very much work in progress and stands to be tweaked as and when my imigination gets round to working again

anyway......

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Zoltarach was taken in by the priests of Rathma as a young child after his village was ravaged by mobs incensed by its ties to 'heretic' and 'deviant' necromancers.

He was schooled to control his rage and maintain personal balance over his emotions. Over time, he came to see the light of their reasonings, and was taken into the secluded community, learning their ways and arts.

Seeking solace and closure, near the end of his adolescence Zoltarach traveled with his elder mentor to the site of his former home.

Upon arriving, both man and boy were drawn to the centre of the old village. A menagerie of animals had formed nests around a small flame continuously pouring out of a crack several yards from where the main well feeding the village once lay.

With Zoltarach staring awestruck at the scene, the elder priest mused quietly toward the faint iridescent flame, passing unnoticed by the collection of animals whose lodgings bordered the luminescence. He squatted in front of the flame, first passing his hand across it several times, then placing a variety of herbs within the flame, his expressions cycling along with the colours of the flame mixed with his herbs.

With barely a pause the graying priest rose, and wandered out of the collection of creatures as seamlessly as he entered, passing past the confused yet intrigued Zoltarach, coming to rest on a dilapidated post on the outskirts of the village.

Zoltarach turned and was about to launch into a tirade of questions when his mentor stopped him, slowly raising one wrinkled finger to his lips, and then motioning with a wave for his young pupil to explore his origins as he saw fit. The old mans eyes stood firm, and Zoltarach knew better than to push the point here.

The rest of his village passing from his mind, Zoltarach encircled the flame and several times, seemingly entranced by it. He paused and gazed into its light for what seemed to be an age. During which, he sensed all manor of emotions; love, hate, joy, pride, confusion, and hope.
Coming back into himself, Zoltarach noticed the lengthening shadows of the trees and deemed it prudent not to delay his mentor any longer. Pulling himself away from the flame, he hurried back to the outskirts of the village, where the elder priest still resting against the old post, but now with a raven on an awning opposite him regarding him with interest, and he likewise to it.

Upon Zoltarach's approach, both man and bird craned their necks towards him in tandem, before returning to each others gaze. The priest made a brief gesture with his left hand before dropping the bird a polite nod of acknowledgement. The raven appeared to return the nod, turned to examine Zoltarach once more, then leaped gracefully into the air and returned to the encircling maze of trees.

Zoltarach approached his teacher slowly, but again his eyes boldly stated that this would not be the time for questions. Outstretching his arm and palm, he gestured for Zoltarach to lead the way back, which the proceeded to do, his mind aflame with questions.

The following day in the temple, Zoltarach could hold his questions no longer. He worked his way round the labyrinthine passageways to his teacher. Finding his door ajar, the boy cautiously pushed his nose forward. The priest was busy musing over decaying dusty manuscripts,

"Sir?" Zoltarach asked.

"Mmmm? Ah my good boy, i expected you to have gotten here earlier. do come in. I expect you didn't sleep very well with everything floating around inside your head after yesterday. No matter, plenty of time to remedy that. pull up a chair.

Zoltarach came into the priest's chamber, gently pulling a small wooden stool near to the priest's desk. whilst normally tidy and free from clutter, the desk was awash with manuscripts, tablets and books, many written in strange scripts completely illegible to the young lad.

"Now then, where should i begin?" mused the priest. "You seemed rather taken aback by the flame of the village yesterday" he continued, "Lost a good many hours gazing into it you did. Pray tell me, what was going through your mind as you looked upon it?"

Zoltarach shuffled uneasily upon his stool, unsure of how to answer the question.

"I'm not sure sir, I, um, well I..." Zoltarach floundered, trying to read the old man's eyes for some idea of how to proceed. Instead, he received an expressionless gaze, with the priests index finger beginning to twirl, pressing for his pupil to go on. At a loss, Zoltarach came out with "Feelings, Sir. Just....feelings. I don't know what else to say."

The priest stared straight into the eyes of his charge, running his fingers pentatively across the stubble on his cheek. Then he managed to confuse Zoltarach even more, he smiled.

"Good, very good indeed" the priest paused a second, taken in the look of shock which shot across the boy's face. "Don't look like that my boy, if i didn't have some insight into what happened with you then we'd have a problem now wouldn't we? I had a idea but wanted the chance to confirm my expectations before letting you know them. Would be a shame to build up hopes only to have to knock them down again"

"hopes? I don't understand what you mean sir"

The priest chuckled to himself quietly, never letting his eyes leave those of the boy.

"you say you felt feelings, correct?"

"yes but...."

"Stop asking questions you can answer yourself boy, you've been taught better than that" the priest fired in quickly, though still retaining the smile on his face.

"Think about how those feelings felt when they came into your mind. Don't try to question them, just feel them as they are and tell me something about them"

At a loss, Zoltarach closes his eyes to escape the inquiring gaze of the priest, and casts his mind back to the previous day.

After a moment, he replies, "I know them."

"Go on"

"They're familiar. At least, they feel..... I don't know. It's like, i know them, and yet i don't". Zoltarach opens his eyes to see his teacher nodding contentedly to himself.

"good enough i suppose. You do know them. Or perhaps to be more accurate, they know you"

Zoltarach searches through all his teachings and memories for an explanation to such a cryptic answer, but everything leads to dead ends. Having given the boy a little time to exhaust his imagination, the priest continues,

"They know you now, and they knew you in the past. That flame is the still present feelings of those who once knew you, of those who still know you in truth. those who once cared for you still care for you, even now, albeit they may not be capable of doing it in the same manor. Those who died the day we took you from that place still watch over you. Your future appears to bear interest for them, and they have no wish to depart without knowing how it shall unfold."

"But...." Zoltarach began. the priest merely raised his finger to his lips once more before resuming his explanation.

"And perhaps your timing to return may prove fortuitous. We have a small group in the West, on the outskirts of the kingdom of Khanduras, who have asked for a pupil to school further to aid them. They say the land there is troubled, and that we should keep a keen eye upon events and how they unfold, perhaps even intervening if need be. I have taken it upon myself to correspond with this group, and they have informed me they have the ability to train you in whatever of our arts you deem best for yourself"

"Me? But.... I never asked for this! surely their are others...."

"Others have no definite idea of what they wish to learn, after yesterday i sense that you may"

"But how would...."

"Stop asking questions and start looking for answers. Look inside yourself and think. You know of all those disciplines in which we practice. Look to what captures your heart"

Zoltarach stared into the space before him, letting the answer come to him.

"Fire"

The priest nodded to himself. "i shall send word to prepare what you shall require, I trust you shall perform admirably for our friends...

"Wait"

The priest let his sentence fizzle into silence, cocking one eyebrow upwards in anticipation of his pupil's response.

"you said the feeling i felt looking into the flame came from those departed. I want to learn more about that as well"

The priest smiled to himself. "You're more prepared than i thought my lad. Go, and start collecting together all you will need to take with you, i will ensure everything shall be prepared for your arrival. You shall learn the secrets of that which has ensnared your interest if you show them interest in kind. I wish you luck and a safe journey. Hopefully we may meet again someday if fortune favours us".

Zoltarach hurried to the door back to the passageways of the temple, pausing at the threshold. He turned back to the priest, and said "thank you, i won't let you down", and then scurried off back to his room.

The priest sat back into his chair and rubbed his temples.

"For the sake of the world i pray you prove me right my boy"

**Snowglare** · 04-01-2006, 06:17

First thing you need to do is go through and make sure all the proper pronouns (namely, "I") and the first word of each sentence are capitalized. There are too many instances of this to point them all out. You also need to end every sentence with a period, whether it's in quotations or not, excepting times where a sentence "ends" with a different punctuation mark, usually a comma.

One more thing. The story begins in past tense (taken, ravaged, incensed), and should remain there throughout. I'll point out instances where you slip into present tense later.

Zoltarach was taken in by the priests of Rathma as a young child after his village was ravaged by mobs incensed by its ties to 'heretic' and 'deviant' necromancers.

This is a good start, capitalization-wise; priests, Rathma, and necromancers are all as they should be. It's a common mistake to treat class designations like necromancer as proper nouns, so it's good that you avoided that.

He was schooled to control his rage and maintain personal balance over his emotions.

It's up to you, but "personal" isn't necessary in this sentence. "His emotions" tells us all we need to know about the balance he needs to maintain.

Over time, he came to see the light of their reasonings, and was taken into the secluded community, learning their ways and arts.

I'd rewrite that "light of their reasonings" part. Sounds wonky. The rest of the sentence should read, "and was taken into the secluded community to learn their ways and arts." Or something along those lines. "Learning their ways and arts" isn't quite connected to the rest of the sentence.

With Zoltarach staring awestruck at the scene, the elder priest mused quietly toward the faint iridescent flame

I think that should be "moved", as you can't muse toward something.

He squatted in front of the flame, first passing his hand across it several times, then placing a variety of herbs within the flame, his expressions cycling along with the colours of the flame mixed with his herbs.

Might want to change that last part. "The colours of the flame mixed with his herbs" doesn't sound right when it isn't describing an action, and it isn't here. I can see you're trying to tell us that the fire is changing colors as the herbs mix with it, but it doesn't come across clearly enough.

With barely a pause the graying priest rose, and wandered out of the collection of creatures as seamlessly as he entered, passing past the confused yet intrigued Zoltarach, coming to rest on a dilapidated post on the outskirts of the village.

The first comma should be moved so that it follows "pause" instead of "rose", "he entered" should be "he had entered", "past" is redundant, and you need something (like "and") to link the final clause (coming...village) to the rest of the sentence.

Zoltarach turned and was about to launch into a tirade of questions when his mentor stopped him, slowly raising one wrinkled finger to his lips, and then motioning with a wave for his young pupil to explore his origins as he saw fit.

A tirade is "a long, vehement speech or denunciation." A better word in this instance would be litany, defined as "any long and tedious address or recital." Dictionary.com provides an example usage that mirrors your own: "the patient recited a litany of complaints."

The old mans eyes stood firm, and Zoltarach knew better than to push the point here.

Should be "old man's eyes".

The rest of his village passing from his mind, Zoltarach encircled the flame and several times, seemingly entranced by it.

I don't think "and" should be there, or else you left out an action. "Encircled" should be "circled", if I understand correctly and he's simply walking around it.

He paused and gazed into its light for what seemed to be an age. During which, he sensed all manor of emotions; love, hate, joy, pride, confusion, and hope.

"Manor" should be "manner", and the semi-colon should probably be a colon. "During which" either needs to be linked to the previous sentence, making the abovequoted one sentence instead of two, or it needs to be rewritten so that the second sentence is a complete one.

Example one: He paused and gazed into its light for what seemed to be an age, during which he sensed all manner of emotions: love, hate, joy, pride, confusion, and hope.

Example two: He paused and gazed into its light for what seemed to be an age. During this time, he sensed all manner of emotions: love, hate, joy, pride, confusion, and hope.

Pulling himself away from the flame, he hurried back to the outskirts of the village, where the elder priest still resting against the old post, but now with a raven on an awning opposite him regarding him with interest, and he likewise to it.

Should be "priest was still resting."

Upon Zoltarach's approach, both man and bird craned their necks towards him in tandem, before returning to each others gaze.

"Both" and "in tandem" are redundant. One should be dropped. "Others" should be "other's."

The raven appeared to return the nod, turned to examine Zoltarach once more, then leaped gracefully into the air and returned to the encircling maze of trees.

Encircling works here, if they are surrounded by trees, but I'm not sure you shouldn't use a different word. Encircle seems to me more active than, say, surround, and trees are not known for their mobility.

Zoltarach approached his teacher slowly, but again his eyes boldly stated that this would not be the time for questions.

Should probably make that "again the priest's eyes", so as to avoid confusion in this and the following sentence. Also, this is the first of three consecutive sentences with the word "questions". You could break it up by changing this one to "inquiry", or "probe/probing", or another synonym.

Outstretching his arm and palm, he gestured for Zoltarach to lead the way back, which the proceeded to do, his mind aflame with questions.

Should be "which he proceeded."

The following day in the temple, Zoltarach could hold his questions no longer.

Following up on the "questions three" point, you could change this to something like "he could hold back no longer. He had to have answers."

Finding his door ajar, the boy cautiously pushed his nose forward. The priest was busy musing over decaying dusty manuscripts,

Should be "the door", again to avoid confusion.

"Mmmm? Ah my good boy, i expected you to have gotten here earlier. do come in. I expect you didn't sleep very well with everything floating around inside your head after yesterday. No matter, plenty of time to remedy that. pull up a chair.

Needs end quotes after "chair", and a comma after "ah": when one character addresses another as the priest does Zoltarach here, there should always be a comma before and after the name used, even if it's not a proper name ("Eat your vegetables, Zoltarach."; "My, Zoltarach, how you've grown!"; "Zoltarach, you mind your mother."; "Come here, miscreant, that I might teach you a lesson.").

the desk was awash with manuscripts, tablets and books,

Should have a comma after "tablets", as with any series of three or more.

"You seemed rather taken aback by the flame of the village yesterday" he continued, "Lost a good many hours gazing into it you did.

Could drop "he continued" and link the two sentences together. If not, you need a comma after yesterday and before the quotation mark (yesterday," he continued. "Lost). Also, there should be a comma between "it" and "you".

"I'm not sure sir, I, um, well I..."

Again, you need a comma before as well as after "sir", since that's the title Zoltarach is using to refer to the priest.

Instead, he received an expressionless gaze, with the priests index finger beginning to twirl, pressing for his pupil to go on.

"Priests" should be "priest's", and the sentence needs rewriting to improve its flow. Perhaps, "Instead, he was fixed with an expressionless gaze, and the priest began to twirl his index finger, pressing for his pupil to go on."

"Feelings, Sir. Just....feelings. I don't know what else to say."

"Sir" should not be capitalized here. You got it right the first time. You want an ellipsis in the second sentence, which is properly three dots followed by a space.

The priest stared straight into the eyes of his charge, running his fingers pentatively across the stubble on his cheek.

Tentatively? Pensively? I don't believe pentatively is a word.

"Good, very good indeed" the priest paused a second, taken in the look of shock which shot across the boy's face.

"Taken" should be "taking", and there should be a period after "indeed", with "the priest" beginning a new sentence, as the action described is not directly related to the dialogue.

Don't look like that my boy, if i didn't have some insight into what happened with you then we'd have a problem now wouldn't we? I had a idea but wanted the chance to confirm my expectations before letting you know them.

This section is riddled with errors and clumsy wording, far too clumsy for a wise old priest. Needs a revision.

"you say you felt feelings, correct?"

More clumsy dialogue.

"yes but...."

"Yes, but..."

"Stop asking questions you can answer yourself boy, you've been taught better than that" the priest fired in quickly, though still retaining the smile on his face.

See previous comments as relates to "boy". This time, the action does relate directly to the dialogue, so you should have a comma linking the two instead of a period separating them.

At a loss, Zoltarach closes his eyes to escape the inquiring gaze of the priest

I think "inquiring" is too soft a word to use here, considering Zoltarach's eagerness to escape the priest's gaze. You want a word that makes the reader feel as uncomfortable as Zoltarach. Something like "invasive", though that doesn't fit here either. Play around with it until you find something that does.

Oh, and this is where you slipped into present tense. "Closes" should be "closed", and so on. Check the rest of the story for present/past issues and make repairs accordingly.

The remaining mistakes are more of the same, so I'll end my critique here. I regret that I have so little to say in favor of your story, but it was hard to concentrate on it for all the errors, and even on a second read it seems as though not a lot happened. I liked the bit with the priest messing with the flame, and the dialogue was decent when it wasn't clumsy. It seems like you're trying to do two things at once, the first being an origin story that attempts to sum up the character's life so far in a few pages, and the second being an event in said character's life that profoundly shaped him. I would concentrate on the second tale, and in the telling, show us what kind of person Zoltarach is. He's young, inexperienced, obedient... and that's about it. We know nothing of his aspirations (to be a powerful necromancer?), his interests (playing with dead things?), or his values (pro- or anti- demon invasion?).

**RevenantsKnight** · 09-01-2006, 00:22

Hrm...well, my overall impression of this story is that this is a start, but it looks like you’re trying to cover quite a bit here, and I get the feeling that this needs more detail to be as effective as it could be. As Snowglare mentioned, there seem to be several ideas at work here, since you’re working with a reason for Zoltarach to go to Khanduras (presumably to set up his involvement in the Diablo II storyline,) and also describing a life lesson sort of experience. There’s a decent framework here, I’d say, and the concept of the flame is an interesting one, but the story doesn’t feel “complete” to me yet because of that split. Some specific comments, excluding the ones Snowglare already made (which I agree with, by the way):