An untitled SHORT short

[linux_junkie]

I haven't posted here for a long while, nor have I written anything for a while. So, to try and get back into writing, I decided to try a little self-made challenge: to write a complete little story in one page. And here it is. One page of writing. As always, any critique or suggestions will be much appreciated.


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William Sharpe sank into his leather chair, flicking from camera to camera on the small security monitor attached to his desk. No good news to be seen.

“Power,” he mused to himself, “comes and goes far too quickly.”

With another quick glance at the monitor, he straightened up in his chair. His back complained with a crack. Age had definitely not been kind to William. But, that goes with the territory. Stress will age a man faster than anything.

Not more than three years ago, he had taken over Jillian Industrial, and had quickly brought a profit to the failing company. Investors quickly leapt on board, and soon he had turned a small time company into an industry leader. Such a dramatic turnaround didn’t come easy, though. Nor did it come without a price.

He only vaguely remembered that late night when his wife stormed into his office, clutching divorce papers, ranting, screaming, crying, threatening. He didn’t care. He signed the papers without a thought. In his mind, they were just another document needing his John Hancock. No big deal.

It had been almost two years since he had last seen her, or even thought about her. To his surprise, he found himself hoping she was alright. With another glance at the monitor, he brushed aside all thoughts of past relationships, and double-checked the clip in his custom-made Jericho 941.

About five minutes left.

How sad, that he couldn’t think of any meaningful way to spend these last few moments of life. So he just sat there. Five minutes passed. Another glance at the monitor revealed it might take a little longer. He waited. Another five minutes, and another. Finally, he heard it. A thump against his door, followed by scratching. Within a minute, the slow scratching grew louder as more came, and the scratching turned into vicious pounding that caused the heavy oak door to shudder. Another minute later, and the door was splintered, and lying scattered about his far too expensive rug.

“Good evening. I’ve been waiting for you all,” William’s twisted smile barely masked the fear clawing at his heart. He raised the pistol at the group. “I hate waiting.”

The bullets smacked into the approaching figures with a wet smack. They kept coming. The nearest man reached the desk, and extended his rotting fingers towards William, as another hail of bullets blew off the man’s hand, tore off a chunk of flesh from his shoulder, and shattered the top of the skull, above the left eye. The corpse collapsed on the desk, twitching sporadically.

William snatched another clip off his desk and loaded it. He rose quickly from his chair, his old body’s complaints deafened by a surge of adrenaline. Unloading another barrage of bullets on the advancing crowd, he felt his left arm go numb. A sharp pain struck his chest, and he groaned. “Not now.”

Struggling to stay standing, he emptied the last of the clip, but each shot strayed wildly from it’s intended mark, as the pain sharpened. He collapsed in his chair, watching in terror as the crowd advanced. A corpse in a blue dress dragged itself across his desk, grabbing at his helpless body. He felt her grip tighten on his arm, and the chair slid towards the ghoul as it pulled him in.

The pain in his chest forgotten as he felt the teeth sink into his right forearm. His eyes widened in a flurry of pain and confused, horrified emotions as he watched a chunk of his own flesh peel off in the ghoul’s mouth. The sight of his own blood pooling across his desk was too much to handle, and he felt his mind slipping away as the rest of the horde caught up with their comrade in the blue dress. A cacophony of moans filled the air, and William Sharpe’s last moment of conscious thought ended.

[The Last Melon]

Very good! This one's going to scare me in bed - very good horror!

What else is there to add? Nothing, I suppose. Good job

[linux_junkie]

Thanks! Nice to hear some kind words. It's tricky writing again after being away for so long, but I'm enjoying it. Hopefully I should have some more stuff to post soon!

[The Last Melon]

Thanks! Nice to hear some kind words. It's tricky writing again after being away for so long, but I'm enjoying it. Hopefully I should have some more stuff to post soon!

I'm looking forward to it!

Three things, out of curiousity:

a) Is this supposed to be in a Blizzard universe? I don't think so, but just to be sure...

b) Where'd you come up with this one? What was your inspiration?

c) Will the other ones be in Blizzard universes, or in this same universe?

[linux_junkie]

I'm looking forward to it!

Three things, out of curiousity:

a) Is this supposed to be in a Blizzard universe? I don't think so, but just to be sure...

b) Where'd you come up with this one? What was your inspiration?

c) Will the other ones be in Blizzard universes, or in this same universe?

Nope, it's not in the Blizzard universe. Everything else I've written for here (way back when) was Diablo related. This is the first thing I've ever written for here that was all my creation.

I'm not really sure what my inspiration for this one was. I just sort of started writing.

The other ones will likely have a similar setting, although I probably won't try and stick to that same "one page only" self-imposed challenge. Unfortunately, due to the very limited nature of that last piece, not much description was present, so the setting is somewhat ambiguous and open to interpretation.

My original idea started as some random, generic, modern day zombie piece. I wasn't really pleased with it though, as it seemed to hokey and, well, lame. Eventually, I thought, it might be interesting to see zombie-based literature, that veers away from the genre a bit, and doesn't follow all the same conventions, which typically include generic military/SWAT/cop type figures, or average every day people, without any personality, or back story, or real motivation (other than survival). I thought it might be interesting to write zombie stories from a variety of different viewpoints, covering the final days of everyone from CEOs to low-life thugs, janitors to 16 year old video game addicts.

I also carefully avoided actually using the word "zombies" throughout the entire piece, which was really hard to do. "Zombie" just sounds so corny, though, in a serious piece, and it can be very hard to use the word properly.

Anyway, my next piece is a bit longer, and is nearing completion. It takes place from the perspective of a 42 year old janitor at an elementary school. Might be done by tonight, I hope. If so, you should see it shortly.

[tamrend]

I didn't see any grammar or spelling errors, so good job there. I did see some word repetition here and there:

The bullets smacked into the approaching figures with a wet smack.

Not more than three years ago, he had taken over Jillian Industrial, and had quickly brought a profit to the failing company. Investors quickly leapt on board,

You stated in your subsequent posts that you wanted to avoid cliches, but the problem I'm seeing is that you are being deliberately evasive in explaining anything. The CEO guy knows that the zombies are coming after him (and even when!) but the reader is kept totally in the dark. That makes for a frustrating reading experience.

[The Last Melon]

Nope, it's not in the Blizzard universe. Everything else I've written for here (way back when) was Diablo related. This is the first thing I've ever written for here that was all my creation.

I'm not really sure what my inspiration for this one was. I just sort of started writing.

The other ones will likely have a similar setting, although I probably won't try and stick to that same "one page only" self-imposed challenge. Unfortunately, due to the very limited nature of that last piece, not much description was present, so the setting is somewhat ambiguous and open to interpretation.

My original idea started as some random, generic, modern day zombie piece. I wasn't really pleased with it though, as it seemed to hokey and, well, lame. Eventually, I thought, it might be interesting to see zombie-based literature, that veers away from the genre a bit, and doesn't follow all the same conventions, which typically include generic military/SWAT/cop type figures, or average every day people, without any personality, or back story, or real motivation (other than survival). I thought it might be interesting to write zombie stories from a variety of different viewpoints, covering the final days of everyone from CEOs to low-life thugs, janitors to 16 year old video game addicts.

I also carefully avoided actually using the word "zombies" throughout the entire piece, which was really hard to do. "Zombie" just sounds so corny, though, in a serious piece, and it can be very hard to use the word properly.

Anyway, my next piece is a bit longer, and is nearing completion. It takes place from the perspective of a 42 year old janitor at an elementary school. Might be done by tonight, I hope. If so, you should see it shortly.

I'm looking forward to it!

You stated in your subsequent posts that you wanted to avoid cliches, but the problem I'm seeing is that you are being deliberately evasive in explaining anything. The CEO guy knows that the zombies are coming after him (and even when!) but the reader is kept totally in the dark. That makes for a frustrating reading experience.

I don't know, I felt it added to the feel of the piece.

[linux_junkie]

I didn't see any grammar or spelling errors, so good job there. I did see some word repetition here and there:



You stated in your subsequent posts that you wanted to avoid cliches, but the problem I'm seeing is that you are being deliberately evasive in explaining anything. The CEO guy knows that the zombies are coming after him (and even when!) but the reader is kept totally in the dark. That makes for a frustrating reading experience.

I was somewhat afraid of being too deliberately evasive. The next piece won't be, since it won't have the same size restriction. I'm putting some finishing touches on it now.

It starts before any outbreak occurs, allowing ample time to fully establish the main character (the janitor), as well as depicting what happens from the start to the finish. I don't imagine it will be too evasive for you to enjoy.

[RevenantsKnight]

Hrm...overall, there were some interesting bits here and there. While they felt a bit unattached to the rest of the story, the hints of William’s character in particular were good. Other parts, though, seemed less engaging, perhaps because of the length restriction; the last part definitely felt like a hurry-up ending, and some things, such as the background in the company, would have benefited from a bit more explanation. Still, for its pacing and length, I thought this was all right, though I might suggest adding a bit more if you decide to revisit this. Some specific comments:

“Power,” he mused to himself, “comes and goes far too quickly.”

This seemed too disconnected from the story to me; while I have an idea of what he’s talking about here, there isn’t enough of a background to make that musing really stick with the reader. It feels like you added this in and didn’t quite finish linking it to the story. Could be due to length restrictions, I suppose, but if that’s the case, I’d suggest dropping it entirely.

But, that goes with the territory. Stress will age a man faster than anything.

The narrator’s tone seems to change here. Previously, it’s a more or less detached voice, but here, it sounds much more conversational, as if the narrator is addressing the reader. I’d suggest rewording this to remove that shift.

Not more than three years ago, he had taken over Jillian Industrial, and had quickly brought a profit to the failing company.

This part with William’s work history and divorce is a nice extra touch, but from the way it’s presented, it seems relevant to the main plot of the story at first, which appears misleading (though it’s quite possible that I just missed something.) Not sure what to suggest about this, since it’s a nice addition, but it did throw me on a first read.

He only vaguely remembered that late night when his wife stormed into his office, clutching divorce papers, ranting, screaming, crying, threatening.

A minor nitpick: I’d suggest rewording this to something like “...office with divorce papers in hand, ranting, screaming...” so that “clutching divorce papers” isn’t part of the list of actions. Somehow, it doesn’t quite seem parallel in this case.

He signed the papers without a thought. In his mind, they were just another document needing his John Hancock. No big deal.

Nice touch on William’s character; that got me interested. One nitpick: I’d word the second sentence as “...they were just more documents...” since there’re several of them at least.

A thump against his door, followed by scratching. Within a minute, the slow scratching grew louder as more came, and the scratching turned into vicious pounding that caused the heavy oak door to shudder.

I’d see if you can’t replace one use of “scratching” here; while I can see why you’d want the parallel, it feels a bit too repetitive to me. Perhaps switching out the third one with “...as more came, and then turned into vicious pounding...” would take care of the repetition without destroying the sense of transition from scratching to pounding.

Another minute later, and the door was splintered, and lying scattered about his far too expensive rug.

I’d suggest rewording this to eliminate the passive voice here, because I’d think you’d want a bit more of an urgent feel for this part, and that’s something the passive voice does not do particularly well. One possible rewording could be something like “...and the door splintered inwards, fragments scattering about his...”

“I’ve been waiting for you all,” William’s twisted smile barely masked the fear clawing at his heart.

I think this should be either two sentences, with the comma inside the quotes becoming a period, or have some sort of speech-related verb as the first verb after the dialogue. As it is, this seems to suggest two different ideas: first, that he says something, and second, that his smile barely hides his emotions. In these cases, the subjects are different (William in the first, his smile in the second.) To keep this one sentence, I’d reword this to something like “William said grimly, his twisted smile...”

The bullets smacked into the approaching figures with a wet smack.

I’d suggest changing one of the forms of “smack” here to avoid repetition; “thudded” or “slammed” might be suitable alternative verbs, and the sound effect has plenty of options. Also, the sound effect should be plural because there are multiple bullets, unless they all impact at the same time.

The nearest man reached the desk, and extended his rotting fingers towards William, as another hail of bullets blew off the man’s hand, tore off a chunk of flesh from his shoulder, and shattered the top of the skull, above the left eye.

There’re extra commas after “desk,” “William” and “skull.” Also, this is the first instance where it’s really clear that his enemies are these undead things; as Tamrend mentioned, it sounds deliberately unclear, which can annoy. I do see how it could enhance the suspense and eerie feel of the story, though...I’d suggest making this distinction clear once he first sees them in the doorway.

William snatched another clip off his desk and loaded it.

This makes it sound as if he’s loading a clip with bullets. I’d reword this for clarity.

A sharp pain struck his chest, and he groaned.

From the wording, it sounded as if the pain was caused by an external source, not an internal one, as if he’d been hit in the chest, probably because of “struck.” I’d suggest maybe “gripped” here.

Struggling to stay standing, he emptied the last of the clip, but each shot strayed wildly from it’s intended mark, as the pain sharpened.

That should be “...its intended mark as the pain sharpened.”

The pain in his chest forgotten as he felt the teeth sink into his right forearm.

For this to be correct with minimal changes, this should read “was forgotten”; as it is, there’s no verb. Even then, though, that would be in the passive voice and perhaps too removed from the action; I suppose it’s a writer’s call here.

Overall, I thought this was all right for the length, though it would likely be better with some more detail. There’re some good bits in here that could definitely use some more exploration, and I look forward to whatever else you have coming up. Thanks for posting!