Some poetry

[RevenantsKnight]

On “An Impudent Youth”: well, I have to say that I didn’t like this one as much as some of your other pieces. A large part of that impression comes from the opening stanza, because it feels like the rhythm there is inconsistent, and the wording doesn’t read as much like a poem as it does like an excerpt from a prose story, to me. The old man’s words were definitely better in general, with a stronger poetic feel to them, which, though rather nice, served to highlight the difference between that and the first stanza...seems almost as if you wrote the second stanza and then built the rest around it. If that was the case, I might suggest you just stick with the core here; though working in the youth may have been your intent, I think putting it through his eyes hurts the poem overall. Some specific comments:

A question I once posed to an aged
Wielder of the arcane, saying to him:

“Wielder” definitely felt like an awkward way to start a line to me; it’s not a word that rolls off the tongue, if you know what I mean. It also sounds really weird to stress the first syllable of the word, which is what happens on other even lines in this stanza. I might replace the whole “wielder of the arcane” block with “sorcerer,” though that would require some rebuilding of the line.

“Tell me, why is it that you now cower
From the glory of quest and adventure?

Personally, I thought that the second line here was good, but “Tell me, why is it that you now...” felt more like story dialogue than poem material. Every time I read it, I heard a voice just saying it straight, not a poem’s rhythm, and that dragged over into the rest of this excerpt. I don’t have a good suggestion here, unfortunately...this may just be a matter of throwing out a bunch more ideas and letting them bounce around for a while.

How much worth are your studies if unto
Eternity they go unrealized?”

“How much worth are...” seems like it should be “How much worth have...” since things are not “worth” per se. Also, “unrealized” felt like a bit of a clunk at the end of the line since that last “-ed” just sort of tags along after the stressed syllable. I’d see if you can’t find a different word to use here, especially since they are realized in the sense that he carries them out...it’s not entirely clear, but it seems like he’s being questioned on the fact that his work doesn’t make it very far out of his sanctum.

And then he looked up from his massive tome
With eyes of stone, and woe to the one that
Forgets these lurid words, in terror forged:

The tome/stone semi-rhyming felt out of place to me, in that it’s not at a meaningful position in the lines. That drew my attention to the middle of the second line, which felt like an awkward break point to me. Also, I think “one that forgets” should be “one who forgets.” “In terror forged” was a neat phrase, though.

His mind was captured by paranoid frights,
Against me he struck, a cruel sound

I’d suggest changing “paranoid” to something less technical-sounding, since I doubt it would have been in the diction of a medieval sorcerer. Also, I’d make the comma after “frights” a semicolon.

My friend was darker than a thouasand nights:
A pile of ashes on the ground-
All that was left- but my soul he still blights.

“But my soul he still blights” felt awkward to me; I think the implied pause/shift in tone in the middle of the line was what tripped me up here. Not sure exactly what you could do about that, but it bugged me when I read it. Additionally, that should be “thousand.”

For, no matter what spell I cast, I hear
His final scream, see him burning away,
And old memories hold back my power.

Overall, I liked this section of the poem. Nicely done.

So I am reduced to a scribe, who delves
Into books to escape an old devil.”

It seems to me that after the energy and visual power of the mage’s earlier words, a quick summary of his final actions may fall off a bit too much in intensity. I guess it works in terms of this as a story, but I might suggest trying to make this part more evocative, so that if he’s trying to get a lesson across, it’ll stick in the narrator’s (and the reader’s) mind more.

I made no reply, and left his presence,
Fearing to hear anymore of his tales.

Hrm...well, the ending fits, certainly, but it didn’t leave me with a good sense of finality. While you suggest earlier on that this encounter is a major influence on the narrator, there’s not really a feeling that this ended with a lasting effect. Part of that is probably because this is a bit vague; “fearing to hear...” doesn’t draw a defined emotional picture for me because it can be used in so many situations. I don’t know if that’s all of it, though...can’t put my finger on anything else. Additionally, that should be “any more.”

Overall, it seems like you have a good core for something here, but the beginning and end don’t feel at the same level. I think this could be better with some more attention to the edges of the poem, or perhaps even by trimming them down to a minimum to focus the reader’s attention. Thanks for posting!