Tracking the Dark Wanderer

[Leviticus Darksyde]

Chapter One

"He was here."

Kanine had been sniffing around the area outside the Rogue Encampment. He gave the eastward direction an angry stare as he did so. I wondered how he could do this when not in his werewolf form, but druids were a strange lot to begin with.

Warriv, the caravan driver, stopped just within the encampment. "I can only take you this far," he said. "The way to the east is blocked."

"What can you tell us about the Rogues?" I asked.

"The witch over at the far end of the camp appears to be their leader," he replied. "Her name is Akara."

We exited the caravan, one by one. There were five of us: Kanine, the aforementioned shapeshifter druid; Katrina, an assasin who had an obsession with poison; Thanatos, a necromancer who had an affinity for raising skeletons, my girlfriend Marissa, a sorceress who was a walking arsenal of weapons, and myself.

By the way, my name is Leviticus. I am a paladin, though some say I tend to be a little on the dark side. I've been known to use poisoned weapons myself from time to time, which while not forbidden, is usually frowned upon by the holiest of knights.

Since we were going to be stuck here anyway, we decided to see about shelter. Which meant we had to see Akara.

"Welcome, outlanders," she began, "but I'm afraid we can offer but poor shelter within these rickety walls. I am Akara, spiritual leader of the Sisters of the Sightless Eye. I know of this Dark Wanderer you seek." She sized us up before speaking further. "I must ask that you prove your worth. There is a demon encampment not far from here. Destroy this den of evil and you will have our undying grattitude." It was clear she wasn't going to take no for an answer, so off we went to find this Den of Evil.

* * * * *

Finding this encampment took some doing; it was hidden in the ground, marked only by a banner that looked like it had been through some battles itself. I started down, but Marissa stopped me.

"Lev, you don't know what could be down there," she warned. "There's a big difference between courage and suicide, you know!"

"What could possibly be down there?" I asked. I knew all kinds of possibilies, but I wasn't about to show weakness in front of Marissa.

"I'd feel better if there were more of us," she said.

Kanine smiled at the suggestion. "So it shall be done." He let out a howl, and soon a small pack of wolves appeared. He then let out another howl, and soon he was in wolf form himself. "Let's go," he commanded.

I drew my crystal sword, which glowed in green, thanks to an emerald embedded within. "Feel better now, love?" I asked Marissa.

"Much," she answered sarcastically. She noticed Thanatos lagging behind. "Coming?" she demanded.

"There's no pleasing some people, is there?" he shot back. He pulled out a dagger he had strapped to his ankle, and cut his wrist. he let a few drops of blood fall to the floor, and muttered some magic words. the blood formed into this ugly creature that would make a zombie more attractive by comparison. "Lead the way," he commanded it.

The golem did as it was told.

We couldn't decide which was worse as we went, the foul smell of the dark cavern, or Marissa's constant yapping about how bad it smelled down there. I could tell what everyone was thinking: Shut your girl up before we do it for you.

Then we came upon what was causing the stench. A horde of zombies was headed our way, and they looked hungry!

[RevenantsKnight]

Well...my first impression of this story was that it felt a bit rushed; the description is a bit light at times, to the point where this sometimes reads like something taken directly from the game. I do note, though, that in general the story flows fairly well. Some specific comments:

Kanine had been sniffing around the area outside the Rogue Encampment

This was one of those gamer-knowledge things that make sense only because I’ve played Diablo II. If your reader doesn’t remember the Encampment for some reason or another, then this tells him or her nothing about their surroundings. By describing the scene in more detail, you could get a good image of what’s going on into the reader’s mind, instead of relying on the game’s images to serve as your backdrop. Even if you’re working with something that can’t be changed too much, it helps if you put in your own unique description or extra details on the subject, so that there’s an original feel to your writing.

Now, while it’s not unfair to assume that your reader has at least played through Act I or so, relying on it does detract from the atmosphere you’re creating. This makes the story seem as if it were taken directly from the game, and that is a problem because it’s much, much harder to write an interesting story that is very close to the game than one that is only somewhat linked to the Diablo world, since the game’s plot has been played out over and over again for many people.

"I can only take you this far," he said.

That should be “I can take you only this far.” As it is, it implies that he can take them this far, as opposed to [some other verb] them this far, etc.

There were five of us: Kanine, the aforementioned shapeshifter druid; Katrina, an assasin who had an obsession with poison; Thanatos, a necromancer who had an affinity for raising skeletons, my girlfriend Marissa, a sorceress who was a walking arsenal of weapons, and myself.

This also could use a lot more description. What do these five characters look like? Do they look rich, or well equipped for battle, or really ragged and tired? How does each character hold him- or herself; do they seem confident, quiet, scared, cocky, or what? As it is, it seems like you’re just implying that they look like characters from the game, in that you’re giving a class and build, and then leaving it at that.

A few mechanical notes: “assassin” has four instances of the letter “s” in it, and since this is a list following a colon, the semicolons should be commas.

I've been known to use poisoned weapons myself from time to time, which while not forbidden, is usually frowned upon by the holiest of knights.

There should be a comma after “which.”

"Welcome, outlanders," she began, "but I'm afraid we can offer but poor shelter within these rickety walls. I am Akara, spiritual leader of the Sisters of the Sightless Eye."

It’s a bit of a jump to go from the thought that they should go see Akara to Akara’s greeting without a transition of some sort. At the very least, it might be a good idea to note Leviticus’s first impressions of her when he sees her.

“Destroy this den of evil and you will have our undying grattitude."

That should be “gratitude.”

I knew all kinds of possibilies, but I wasn't about to show weakness in front of Marissa.

That should be “possibilities.”

He then let out another howl, and soon he was in wolf form himself.

The shapeshifting itself might not be something you’d want to gloss over; this is definitely something that you could play with in terms of how the form change works. If you’ve ever thought that the Werewolf skill should look at all different, here’s the time to cut loose. At the very least, it’s a point where you could easily work in a strong image or two to grab the reader’s attention.

I drew my crystal sword, which glowed in green, thanks to an emerald embedded within.

”Crystal sword” is another Diablo thing that could really use some original description in a story, largely because it means absolutely nothing if the reader doesn’t remember the graphics from the game.

He pulled out a dagger he had strapped to his ankle, and cut his wrist. he let a few drops of blood fall to the floor, and muttered some magic words. the blood formed into this ugly creature that would make a zombie more attractive by comparison.

The first words of the second and third sentences here should be capitalized (they should become “He” and “The”). Also, each of these sentences begins with the subject and then the verb, which is in general not a problem. However, since they’re all strung one after the other in narration, without any dialogue or other such variations, they sound a bit monotonous. One example sentence you could use to vary the rhythm of the narration is “Muttering some magic words, he let a spray of scarlet drops fall to the earth,” a revised form of the second sentence.

The golem did as it was told.

I’d either drop this sentence entirely or expand on it a fair amount. It doesn’t really feel like it should be standing on its own to me.

Overall, there are definitely parts of this story that work, but in general it feels more like a skeleton than a complete chapter. Keep at it; the only sure way to not improve your writing is to stop writing. Thanks for posting!

[Leviticus Darksyde]

Some of the errors are typos, and will be taken care of immediately (as soon as the computer lets me).

The reason why the thing appears rushed is that it actually was, to get something on the board before closing time (The internet cafe closes at 10 PM ET, and I only have so much time to write). I'd planned to look it over and expand it later when I had more time. The characters and the setting will be described in more detail when I get done editing, and some of your suggestions will be taken on a case by case situation. The characters, BTW are based on characters I'd created in Single Play Mode.

Much of this storyline was taken from the game, but I plan to add more to it than just killing monsters in the dungeon. In fact, as we go on, you'll see I will be spending more time with character interaction than with the killing of demons. Much of the characters' histories will be explained in detail, some as told by the characters themselves.

Thank you once again for your input; I look foward to hearing from you as the story is written.

*Leviticus Darksyde*

[Leviticus Darksyde]

Looks like I'm just going to have to continue, errors and all, until that edit button decides to show up again.

*Leviticus Darksyde*

[RevenantsKnight]

Looks like I'm just going to have to continue, errors and all, until that edit button decides to show up again.

Don't bother waiting for it. There's a window where edits are allowed, which is, as far as I can tell, until you log out. If it's not there now, it isn't going to show up again. Reposting edited drafts, though, isn't a problem.

[Leviticus Darksyde]

Faced with these zombies, I realized they were as slow as hell, and we should be able to drop them like yesterday's garbage (come to think of it, they were probably more like last year's garbage). I focused my aura on Conviction, drew my sword, and cut through the first one with no problem.

Thanatos's blood golem, which he aptly named Bloodgore, tore into another zombie, ripping it right in half. Katrina, not exactly shy about showing off her martial arts skills, took two of these creatures apart, using her claw weapons and a few kicks (She had this one kick I called the Superkick, which exploded on her target, knocking it back). Kanine and his dogs tore into yet another, ripping it apart limb from limb. Marissa cast a bolt of chain lightning, which went through several of these creatures at one time.

Once we were done, Thanatos decided to raise an army of skeleton mages, which varies as to the types of attacks used. Some used fire, some cold, some lightning, and one used his favorite weapon, poison. These skeletons looked as if they'd been polished somehow. Their bones were whiter than white, much like the bones on the chain mail armor he'd crafted. There were ten of these altogether by my count, and I wondered why he couldn't make more, but said nothing.

Kanine sniffed around. "There are more here. Fallen, from the smell of it." Fallen were little demon creatures that were more a nuisance than anything else. They traveled in packs, however, which made them quite dangerous.

"We'll have to take them out," I said. "It's the only way to gain Akara's trust."

"Why should we even care?" Marissa demanded. "I mean, isn't this taking away from this quest of yours? No doubt this Dark Wanderer is miles ahead of us by now!"

"We're going to need these rogues," I explained. "I'm not sure why, but we are."

We didn't have to wait long to find these Fallen. They found us, and were brandishing swords, looking to cut us open.

Katrina didn't waste time. She started tossing spinning blades, killing most of them before they could reach us. The problem was, they were getting up, as if the weapons had no effect. "What the hell...?" she exclaimed.

"There's a shaman hiding back there," Kanine answered.

"That sucker's mine," Thanatos declared. So saying, he lobbed a Bone Spirit, a glowing skull, in the general direction of the shaman. The Spirit drew a bead on the Fallen leader, and struck it dead on contact. From there, it was just a matter of time before we'd dispatched all of the Fallen.

A bright light glowed into the cavern, indicating we'd disposed of every last monster in the place. "Akara should be able to trust us now," I said with a smile.

Marissa, deciding she'd had enough of this place, opened one of her magic scrolls, and uttering some magic words, opened a portal back to the encampment.

[BananaPancakes]

reading this is a lot more interesting than the quest itself lol

[Leviticus Darksyde]

Returning back to the camp, we were better able take in our surroundings. Northwest of us was the blacksmith's shop, run by Charsi. We would be able to repair and replace our weapons here as needed. Just south of her was another shop, owned by a sleazy looking man, whom Warriv refered to as Gheed (I felt it was no coincidence his name rhymed with Greed). To the east of the camp was Akara's tent. We would return there to inform Akara we had cleansed the Den of Evil.

When we arrived, Akara was speaking to a rogue clad in full chain mail. The discussion appeared heated, as the woman, whom Akara addressed as Kashya, did not seem to happy to see us. Akara beckoned us over, then healed our wounds, including Thanatos's self-inflicted one to make his golem.

"You have proven yourselves worthy of our loyalty," she said. We will provide you with whatever you need on your quest."

Kashya, giving us the evil eye, did not share Akara's opinion of us. "Let me tell you something, outlanders," she began. "Akara may be our spritual leader, but I command the rogues in battle! It will take more than killing a few monsters in the wilderness to gain my trust!" She left the immediate area to talk to a rogue scout who just came running into the camp.

"What's her deal?" I asked Akara.

"You have to excuse Kashya," she replied. "The last time an outlander passed through here, he brought unspeakable evil into this camp. Many of our sisters died driving the beasts out. Unfortunately, these abominations have taken residence in our monastery, and many of our sisters have become corrupted as a result."

"The Dark Wanderer was here?" I asked. "Do you know which way he was headed?"

"He did mention something about The East," she replied.

"Great," Katrina scoffed. "The way east is blocked! This is useless!"

It was then Kashya returned with some grave news. "One of my scouts has reported an abomination in the Burial Grounds! One of my lieutenants, Blood Raven, was corrupted by Andariel, and she has desecrated the Grounds for her own sadistic purposes!" She then turned to me. "If you are truly our ally, you will seek out and kill Blood Raven!"

"Are you serious!?" Marissa demanded. "We had to risk our lives in that dark, evil-smelling cave to wipe out an army of demons, and now you want us to take on a bunch of corrupted rogues?" She then turned to me. "This is your fault! You and this Dark Wanderer nonsense!"

I had to pull her to the side to calm her down. "I know this is troubling for you, but we must see this thing through. Don't you think I'd rather be spending time with you under less dire circumstances? Remember the plans we had? Getting married, raising children, and all that? I have a feeling if we don't complete this quest, the world will not be a safe place to raise our children! I'm doing this for us, love."

"You know I love you with all my heart," she replied. "But what happens if we all get killed while chasing this Wanderer? What happens then, Leviticus?" Tears welled in her catlike eyes as she spoke. "What happens then?"

I had tried not to think about that outcome, but she had a point. Tyrael did not give me any guarantees we would all come out of this alive. Hell, he never actually explained to me why tracking the Dark Wanderer was crucial to saving the world. I only knew that it was, because of my faith.

"Do you trust me?" I asked.

"I trust you implicitly," she replied. "I'm just not sure I trust this Tyrael you say sent you on this mission."

"The motives of Heaven are not always clear," I replied. "But we know the motives of Hell, don't we? Who would you rather trust?"

"All right," she replied. "I'm with you, the whole distance. But you'd better not take any unnecessary risks, or we're through. Deal?"

"Deal," I replied. We sealed our bargain with a kiss, then turned to Akara and Kashya. "We'll start off for the Burial Grounds immediately. But when we return, I will need your help in our quest."

We took off, aware of the perils that lay ahead.

[Leviticus Darksyde]

When we approached the Burial Grounds, we saw it was heavily guarded by corrupted rogues, armed with longbows. It was going to take some stealth to get us in without being shot.

Good thing we had Katrina with us.

Katrina was a master of hiding in plain sight. She had this mental trick where she would cloud the minds of her enemies so they couldn't see past their noses. She called it the Cloak of Darkness, which was effective. So effective, in fact, they didn't see her as she killed them one after the other.

Of course, once we got inside, it was a diferent story. Suddenly, a horde of green zombies started attacking our position. These were no more difficult than the ones at the Den of Evil, but unlike them, these guys just kept coming. I had to fight past them to find the cause.

The cause was none other than Blood Raven herself!

She fired a flaming arrow at me, which I deftly blocked with my Rondache. She smiled at this. She called out to me:

"Hello, Leviticus! It's been a long time since we'd parted company! Put down your weapon so we can talk! We have so much to catch up on!"

A fact I never mentioned to Kashya was that Raven and I were old friends. Of course that was before she became corrupted and evil. "Put down your weapon first," I called back.

"Don't you trust me?" she asked.

"If you'd asked me that before you became...whatever it is you've become, I would have said yes," I replied. "I don't know what to say now."

"Very well, then," she said, putting her next arrow back in her pack. "Now you holster that sword of yours."

I did so, and walked towards her. Aside from her skin being paler than that of Thanatos, she was just as beautiful as I'd seen her when she was alive. I knew she wasn't to be trusted, so I kept her at arms length. "I take it you know why I'm here." This was not a question.

"You're here to try to kill me, at the behest of Kashya, right?"

"Let's say I'm here to save your soul."

"I'm beyond saving," she replied. "Normally, I would just shoot you where you stand, but because it's you, I want to give you a chance to fight me to the death. No armor, no swords, just daggers. I've always wondered which one of us would win in a fight."

"No tricks?" I asked. I still wasn't sure I could trust her.

"I thought faith was part of your makeup," she replied. "It's because of our friendship I'm giving you this opportunity."

"All right," I said. "Daggers it is."

The fight was on. I was amazed, however, at how she could still keep those zombies going to keep my friends occupied. A few times she'd come close to cutting me, but I was able to avoid it. Likewise, she was able to avoid my thrusts, and counter with a bodyslam. She was stronger than I remembered. She had her blade inches from my throat, but I was able to hold her wrist to keep it from reaching. I kicked her away at the last second, and the fight raged on.

"You fight well," she said. "Why don't you join me? We could take over the world!"

"And live in a world of evil?" I scoffed. "I'd rather die!"

"And so you shall!" And so saying, she tried another thrust. I countered it, bodyslammed her to the ground, and plunged my dagger into her. She dropped her weapon, and went limp. I held her now, not really wanting her to die just yet.

"You've killed me, Leviticus," she whispered.

"Raven, it's not too late for you," I implored her. "The fact you chose to take me in a fair fight shows there's still some good in you."

"I don't have long. There's something I need to tell you. I've always loved you..."

"Raven, don't do this..."

"Please, Leviticus. Hold my hand." I did so. "I only hope the rogues can forgive me for all I've done..."

"I'm sure they will," I replied. "Is there anything you wish me to do?"

"Just kiss me goodbye, Leviticus. Then say a prayer for me."

I pulled her close to me. Then I kissed her. Then she died.

Suddenly, a flash of light filtered throughout the cemetery. it wiped out all the zombied she'd created, but left everything else intact. The flash then left her body, leaving just a pile of ashes.

"Goodbye, Blood Raven," I whispered, tears running down my cheeks. "May Heaven have mercy on your tortured soul."

I rejoined the others after I'd said the prayer for her. It would be a solemn walk back to the camp. Though curious, they chose not to press for answers. I would tell them everything in due time.

[RevenantsKnight]

On Chapter Two: one thing that got to me was the (in my opinion) overuse of the game’s system and terminology for the battles. While other elements of the story, such as the plot, were perhaps easier to follow with that reliance as a context, I couldn’t help but feel as if the story was switching rather rapidly between a game screenshot and a written piece. Maybe other people don’t mind this much, but I personally prefer such works to not sound like the game, even though they’re based in its world. Some specific comments:

I focused my aura on Conviction, drew my sword, and cut through the first one with no problem.

Without the context of the Diablo game engine, this makes no sense. Again, while it’s not necessary to assume that your reader has no knowledge of the game, that knowledge is best incorporated into the story in a way that doesn’t bash the reader over the head with a reminder that this is all based off a computer game, because written works and electronic games are drastically different in terms of what is considered “good.”

In the instance here, I’d argue that “focused my aura on Conviction” doesn’t sound natural for the following reasons: first, there’s no reason that the Paladins would call the aura “Conviction,” other than the fact that it’s what the game calls it. Heck, they’d probably call themselves “Hands of Zakarum,” not “Paladins.” Secondly, the way you word it makes it seem like he throws a switch, and poof, the thing goes into effect. Now, I know it looks like that in the game, but I’d think that if this were at all real, he’d have to spend some time channeling the energy that weakens his enemies, or something. Finally, unless he’s addressing someone who’s familiar with the way auras work, I’d think he’d try to describe what he did in detail as opposed to leaving it as he did.

The alternative that I’d suggest would be to describe what an observer would see, hear, etc. when this happens. Maybe Leviticus mutters a few words and makes some motion with his hands, and then, a few seconds later, green energy radiates from him to blanket the area. Remember, you’re trying to paint a picture in the reader’s mind.

(She had this one kick I called the Superkick, which exploded on her target, knocking it back).

This is, in my opinion, a better way of dealing with game skills, in that it doesn’t just leave it at the skill’s in-game name. It could still use a bit more detail, but it’s nice in that it assesses the skill from an outsider’s perspective.

Once we were done, Thanatos decided to raise an army of skeleton mages, which varies as to the types of attacks used.

Again, skills in action are maybe not the best things to gloss over; while there is a preset image of how they work in a gamer’s mind, just using what Blizzard developed won’t make your story stand out much. A grammatical note: the last clause here sounds unnecessary to me given the next sentence.

Some used fire, some cold, some lightning, and one used his favorite weapon, poison.

“His favorite weapon” should be “Thanatos’s favorite weapon.”

These skeletons looked as if they'd been polished somehow. Their bones were whiter than white, much like the bones on the chain mail armor he'd crafted.

This is good, in that it doesn’t just leave things to the reader’s memory of playing Diablo II. More of this would be welcome.

"There are more here. Fallen, from the smell of it." Fallen were little demon creatures that were more a nuisance than anything else. They traveled in packs, however, which made them quite dangerous.

Again, it’s really not necessary to use the game’s name for things, including monster types. After all, would most adventurers really know the difference between a Fallen and a Carver? Would that distinction even matter to them? Even if you do choose to use these pre-made names, I suggest varying it sometimes. For instance, this could also be worded as “There are more here. Some of those imp-creatures, from the smell of it.”

A bright light glowed into the cavern, indicating we'd disposed of every last monster in the place.

Personally, I’d drop this detail. To me, it’s just an unnecessary reminder of how the game treats quest completion, and as I’ve already mentioned, I’d assert that direct references to game mechanics sound awkward in a story such as this.

Overall, this part seemed a bit weaker to me than the first, largely because of how you did the combat; this might be mostly due to my bias towards how the game should combine with a story. Hopefully, some other folks will offer perspectives on this matter. Thanks for posting!