So my wifey and I are considering to become parents sometime late next year. Among the questions we've asked ourselves and each other is how we are going to raise our children: Should we take the path where we will use the disciplinarian's stick or should we take the path where we will become friends with them? Of course staying in-between those extremes is the best but finding that balance as we know from our parents' own experience is very difficult. Both our parents were more on the strict than friendly side and both of us did feel what it's like to get whacked by a belt on the butt at some point in our childhood. We turned out okay so it seems that being figures of authority is the "better" route.
Times have changed and I've seen parents who are friends with their children -- kind of difficult how they will manage to guide them when the time comes their kids will turn to them for advice from the perspective of authority. But it looks really cool but a little scary. My cousin who's 35 is always playing Xbox with his 10 year old son to a point they've both become addicted and my cousin's wife couldn't stop either of them from playing. Sometimes my cousin would tell his son "Don't listen to mom." My wife will smack me if I did that.
For parents and would be parents on the forums -- how are you raising or are planning to raise your children?
Results 1 to 10 of 18
07-02-2005, 22:21 #1
- Join Date
- Mar 2004
- Live in Queens, NY right now.
Would you rather be a disciplinarian or a "cool" parent?
07-02-2005, 22:28 #2
- Join Date
- Jul 2003
Friendly but on the strict side. You can be a buddy most of the time, but you have to lay the law down sometime.
I don't see why you can't spank these days. . seriously it isn't a beating just a swat on the butt. I was spanked and I can't tell you a single time when it happened, I don't remember it. After the kid can tell the difference between right and wrong or what is safe and dangerous, then timeouts and other methods work best. But telling a 1.5 year old "no" doesn't usually work.
07-02-2005, 23:10 #3
Kow is right, I remember being destroyed as a kid but I can't tell you exactly what happened, but I definitely learned my lesson. I'm glad my parents were totally into disciplining me and my brother, because that's how we learned to respect our elders and betters.
I see parents now who try and be a cool parent to their kid so they won't hate them, but kids just see that as a weakness and do things that are stupid.
I would be a cool parent when things are going cool, but when it's time for a like lesson, it's punishin' time
07-02-2005, 23:17 #4
I have a duty to be a parent, not my kids' friend. While I can be friendly, and generous, and communicative, it is implicit in the parent/child relationship that I can pull rank when I decide it's necessary. Friends don't do that to each other, but parents sometimes have to.
The question, as you ask it, Raffy, I cannot answer, because I don't wish to be either a disciplinarian or cool. I just wish to do the job of parenting the best I can; friendship can come later when they mature.
07-02-2005, 23:25 #5
- Join Date
- Jun 2003
- Swimming in the primordial ooze
I'm not sure why so many people hold onto the myth that parents can't spank their children. As far as I am aware, spanking is legal in virtually every state - there are just stipulations as to what type of spanking you can do. I can't speak for all states, but in Washington State, you can spank your child your hand or even a reasonable tool (i.e. a paddle). It's legal provided that the punishment creates only temporary or transient pain or marks. (i.e. it's ok if there is redness, but not ok if it leaves bruising).
Anyhow, to answer the question... I think it's entirely possible to be both to your kids. It's essential that a parent be very clear that THEY are the rule-makers in the household and that THEY hold ultimate authority. However, parents can still clearly involve their kids on having input on things, and listening to their kids and still be "cool" by allowing children some flexibility in making their own choices. I think it tends to boil down to macro management vs. micro-management. Parents that are the "enforcers" are usually micro-managing every aspect of their childrens lives to the point that the kid wants nothing more than to escape... or rebel.
07-02-2005, 23:29 #6
- Join Date
- Jun 2003
- My Anti-Drug is Alcohol
I teach in elementary school, so I have a lot of kids around all the time. The more I see the interaction between teachers and students (I've taught/seen well over 100 teachers in their classes since being here), the more I think about parents and children.
Some teachers are strict and make sure that everyone stays in line.
Some teachers just talk over the kids.
Some teachers try to be buddy-buddy with the kids and try to rationally talk them into submission as if they are on the same level.
Some teachers exhibit a balance of the various characteristics...
My favourite teachers are strict, I have to admit, but not too strict. The best teachers I have the pleasure of being in the classroom of are strict but fair. The kids respect them because they know who the boss is, but the teacher is fair about the degree of strictness they use. When the kids are good, they get praise and smiles, and all is good. When they cross the line where the teacher draws it (and it is NOT a zero-tolerance line), the teacher calmly (but firmly) explains the rules and makes sure that they understand.
A parent, I think, should do the same thing.
Make rules, stick to them. Make sure the rules allow for SOME wiggle-room in the sense that they aren't draconian-seeming, and allow the kids to test the limits, but know when they've passed them. Never hit your kid in anger, no matter what, though if you can calmly dole out punishment after explaining it, then that's your prerogative. Be sure to be positive when the kid does something good, and try to respond to the qualities that you like, while making sure to comment on those that go over your clearly demarkated line.
Do not let your kid think that you are an equal. You're not. You're the parent.
And most of all, remember that no matter how much nurture comes into play, there are some kids that are just going to act out more, and if you feel overwhelmed, find people in the same situation and discuss it with them.
07-02-2005, 23:31 #7
I once heard someone say;
"If your kid is graduating high school, and you(the parent) are their best friend...you did something wrong"..
Being "cool" with your kids is all good..but it aint gonna happen for long. So dont let it bother you when they sometimes say "I dont like you". Casue this will happen. Just be the grown-up. Hell sometimes I find myself wondering "I'm losing control here"..but thats why its good to have them young...casue I dont need this **** when I get older ..:P
Also...anyone calling themselves a parent with just 1 kid...needs to have another. Its a whooole new ballgame.
Just watch the Bill Cosby comedy thing he did...last like 2 hours. He talks all about this kinda stuff. And itsvery much true!
07-02-2005, 23:36 #8
- Join Date
- Oct 2004
- Los Angeles BattleTag Saydrake-1197
We are in the 21st century. It is very hard to train kids to be angels and priests. There would be a 80% chance that your child MIGHT learn something bad. As a kid myself, I really think that being lenient and strict at times is a good choice. Also, I believe that using violence is not nessesary at times, although if it is a must, then do so. In addition, it also really depends on what type of person your kid is going to be. Adjust to his ways and personality, and train him or her from there.
08-02-2005, 00:43 #9
- Join Date
- Apr 2004
I don't believe in using physical pain as a learning tool.
Grounding is ok, taking away videogames/tv is ok, taking away something that they like to do is ok, but I would never hit my child.
08-02-2005, 00:54 #10
R++'s guide to being a "Cool Parent".
DO: Let you children borrow your CD's.
DON'T: Hang out with them and thier friends while listening to them.
DO: Give them rules, standards, ethics, and be firm and fair in your enforcement of them.
DON'T: Let them run wild and only lay the hammer down when sent home from school or brought home by the local police.
DO: Be a parent in every sense of the word and make sure they know that you will always be there for them.
DON'T: Be self absorbed and only reference how good your child is as a "Hey look at how great I am as a sperm donor".
DO: Be a role model.
DON'T: Point at the TV and say... "Be like that".
DO: Teach your children from day one to respect others and to be respectable.
DON'T: Demand respect from them if you haven't done your job as a parent. (Very obvious to see this in action at the check out line at Wal-Mart).
Lastly.... Love your children more than life itself as you serve no other purpose on earth but to raise good adults.
Once you have done your job.... Then go out and eat, drink, and be merry till they have to put you in a home.