The Mountain Vally: Treloksola

[Science Cryption]

Around the silence that mountains of fame endure, beyound the frozen plains of deserted lands and beneath the powerless sun rests the Mountain Vally of Treloksola.

The gateway to this land is an endless peril that ends only in the beginning of another impassable journey. This story does little to change that, yet some day it will.

This story is about a young girl born within Treloksola, a girl born from ice and stone. Her name is Velozimira, and she is the princess of the only land left unconqeured.

it has been 2 years since tristram was established and yet that has nothing to do with this story, time reference i guess? Velozimira is 14 and stunning to even the eyes of beauty itself.

She survives by living in the elements she was spawned from. Although she resembles a human being she is entirly different. Her skin is fleash yet her bones are stone. As she looks into ice her eyes turn fever red, and her hair glisens in a tone and shade of grey that no sensible person could understand.

Along the ends of her fingers there are something like tatoos in the shape of crystal and snow flakes. She has never seen anything but ice and stone and no one has seen her.

This story begins as 4 adventurous travel men seek out the fabled lands of Treloksola! And ends when the new direction of mans perception begins, this story is old this story has yet to be told.

[Science Cryption]

I have no idea where I'm going with this, I need suggestions and or critisism.
Maybe it's not wourth the effort, I don't know, maybe some one will like it,
it is kinda fantastical.

[RevenantsKnight]

I have no idea where I'm going with this, I need suggestions and or critisism. Maybe it's not wourth the effort, I don't know, maybe some one will like it, it is kinda fantastical.

Well, now, I didn’t comment on this before since I was under the impression you didn’t want my input, but since you said this...it’s not a big deal if you don’t know where a story’s headed; even if I think I know what I want to write, it almost always doesn’t end up that way because I change my mind in the process, and I suspect that’s true for a lot of folks. As for whether it’s worth the effort or not, that’s a decision that is, ultimately, yours. If it’s fun to work on a particular story, then that’s really all the justification you need.

As for what you have now: it reads a lot like a summary of a story as opposed to a story in and of itself. Were you to add more to it, then I could see this becoming interesting, but right now you just don’t have anything other than backstory, and a smallish amount of it at that. One nice detail, though, is your use of line breaks...this reads much easier now that it’s not a fat block of text. Specific comments:

Around the silence that mountains of fame endure, beyound the frozen plains of deserted lands and beneath the powerless sun rests the Mountain Vally of Treloksola.

This is pretty vivid, and therefore is a good opener, since it can start to lay out the setting in some detail for the reader. It’s a little slow, but for me, the images were enough to keep me reading, so I wouldn’t worry about that much. The only real hitch I stumbled across here was the phrase “Around the silence that mountains of fame endure.” I wasn’t too clear on what you meant by this; did you mean that these mountains are famous and that the land around them is silent, or did you intend for this to have a more figurative interpretation? Some spelling points: “beyond” doesn’t have a “u” and “valley” has an “e” in it.

This story is about a young girl born within Treloksola, a girl born from ice and stone.

You acknowledge outright that this is a story here, which made me think of this entire passage as a dry recounting of facts. Unless you first construct a sort of storyteller atmosphere, as if there’s some old fellow relating this legend to others around a fire, then it’s going to sound a bit unengaging.

Her name is Velozimira, and she is the princess of the only land left unconqeured.

Warning: making the main character royalty from the only free land in the world sets up a very grandiose air. While this can be made to work, if everything you write is larger than life, then don’t expect many people to take you seriously. For more on this, there’s an excellent article here. Also, “unconquered” is spelled with a “u” after the “q.”

it has been 2 years since tristram was established and yet that has nothing to do with this story, time reference i guess?

This could probably disappear altogether; it’s not essential that you say the temporal setting outright. In fact, in some cases, it doesn’t even matter if the reader figures out when it’s set.

Velozimira is 14 and stunning to even the eyes of beauty itself.

Here’s another reason why I thought of this as dry: “stunning to even the eyes of beauty itself” doesn’t help me imagine what she looks like, simply because it’s too vague. I suggest you elaborate some; what about her makes her so striking?

Although she resembles a human being she is entirly different. Her skin is fleash yet her bones are stone. As she looks into ice her eyes turn fever red, and her hair glisens in a tone and shade of grey that no sensible person could understand.

This part got my attention again. All of this is definitely...unusual, and is worth keeping. It could, though, use some more detail so the reader really gets a comprehensive picture of this girl. Spelling points: “entirely” has two “e”s, “flesh” doesn’t have an “a,” and “glistens” has a silent “t” after the first “s.”

Along the ends of her fingers there are something like tatoos in the shape of crystal and snow flakes.

“Tattoos” has three “t”s.

She has never seen anything but ice and stone and no one has seen her.

Again, this is a little...dramatic. I’m guilty of this myself from time to time, but it’s especially noticeable here, when dramatic is just about all there is here other than dry facts. If you want this to sound more realistic, moderate it some, because such extremes tend not to exist and for that reason they feel unbelievable if used too much.

And ends when the new direction of mans perception begins, this story is old this story has yet to be told.

I’m not sure what you were trying to say with the last part of this sentence...

Anyway, I’d say that you should continue this if you find it fun to write. If not, well, it looks like you’ve got plenty of other stories kicking around in your head.

[Science Cryption]

Thanks for the help reven, I appreciate it now, more then I did before.

I won't continue with this story, I feel that even if I wanted to I couldn't make it work.

Please comment on my other story's as well, they are much better then this one.

[RebirthOfMak]

Nice Job!

Mak~