Official USWest OT Thread: Version 72

**garion** · 26-05-2006, 17:15

In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died!

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said
"if either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."

**garion** · 26-05-2006, 17:27

some funny stuff....from not so talented high schoolers...i guess at least they tried...lol

Future Novelists

Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides
gently compressed by a thigh master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went
blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with
a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers
of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in
it.

She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog makes just before
he throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.

He was a tall as a six foot three inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of
his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with
vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal
quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on
at 7 PM instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy
field toward each other like two freight trains, on having left Cleveland at
6:36 P.M. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 P.M. at a speed
of 35 mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resemble Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also
never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the east
river.

Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one
that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan
just might work.

Young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a
while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college
freshman on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real
duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.

The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind
her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she
were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH
cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper
fax machine that needed a band tightening.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the
wall.

**garion** · 26-05-2006, 17:43

more jokes for the wtf-ot....looks like im the only one in here =/

not a great joke but...

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates, and are comparing stories on how they had died.
First woman-- "I froze to death.
Second woman -- "You froze to death -- how horrible!"

First woman-- "Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

Second woman -- "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV."

First woman -- "So what happened?"

Second woman- - "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere, that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down to the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."

First woman-- "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive."

**ppz** · 26-05-2006, 18:40

Some of those are pretty funny. I know I have more of those beer jokes around here somewhere.

Until I find those....

While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 15 mph over), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. Naturally, he pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"

I replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop. "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The cop said, "What?.... A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum stretcher DO?"

I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand. Then I work until I can get both hands in there, and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."

The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot *** hole?"

I simply replied, " You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge...."

Bail: $100
Ticket: $95
Look on cop's face: Priceless

**ppz** · 26-05-2006, 19:03

Originally Posted by garion

some so-so beer jokes...

Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya' see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate
as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

and for a few more....

In Honor of Stupid People

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that
would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but,
it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside
down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but
wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce
the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those
5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking
this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet,
eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not
enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for
this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
or genitals." (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

**Xenon[XoA]** · 26-05-2006, 19:27

Originally Posted by garion

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with
vegetable soup.

~blah~ The whole scene had an eerie surreal
quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on
at 7 PM instead of 7:30.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.

Those 1's were funny :P
I dun see what's so bad bout those neway...
Specially the 1st and Last ones.

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?

This one makes sense those, some lights are for indoor use, and some lights are for outdoor use. The indoor ones aren't weatherproofed, and are usually a lot smaller than the outdoor ones. Using the outdoor ones indoor (since they require more power, and usually heat up more) is somewhat of a fire hazard...

**ppz** · 26-05-2006, 19:32

Originally Posted by Xenon[KoA]

This one makes sense those, some lights are for indoor use, and some lights are for outdoor use. The indoor ones aren't weatherproofed, and are usually a lot smaller than the outdoor ones. Using the outdoor ones indoor (since they require more power, and usually heat up more) is somewhat of a fire hazard...

I know what you are saying, but some boxes are labeled exactly as in the quote, "for indoor or outdoor use only", not just indoor only or just outdoor only.

The stuff in the parenthesis is also copied from the email; so not my own words. I just thought I would share.