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View Full Version : Kingdom of Lise (Original Work)

Jodaus
09-09-2008, 09:01
This isn't a piece of Diablo fan fic. It's a completely original work I'm trying to finish, a fantasy epic (what other kinds are there? ;) ) that I'm quite proud of. I have these first two chapters up on my Urbis profile and it got very good reviews there, so I thought you fellow like-minded fantasy gamers might enjoy it. Hope you like it! =)

Urbis profile: http://urbis.com/00_Doughboy
Jodaus
09-09-2008, 09:09
~Edited for copyright protection~
Jodaus
10-09-2008, 01:33
~Edited for copyright protection~
RevenantsKnight
11-09-2008, 18:55
Welcome to the Fan Fiction Forum, Jodaus. My apologies that this comes when it does, but I have little time to visit here these days.

On your story's two chapters: I think they read well, and the general arc of the story definitely looks good, as far as it is now. I also like how there're a good number of hints as to the breadth of the story's world, though those points occasionally wander a little. The dialogue is also strong and believable, which helps make your characters interesting...it should be fun to see what you do with them later. Overall, I'd say this is quite good.

If you want some suggestions in terms of what you could revise here, I have two. The first thing that caught me was that the narration has a tendency to get a little bit wordy or indirect. Now, that may not be an issue, depending on the feel that you want, and it does read smoothly in many cases, but there are some instances that could move a little faster and be more effective, I'd say. Also, the narration's terminology with respect to Cysteria gets a little more scientifically advanced than is true for a standard fantasy world, with "infection," "virus" and similar words; while it's certainly possible that the people here could understand these concepts, they bring with them the baggage and assumptions of relatively modern technology and may not be the best for the story's atmosphere. Granted, you may have an explanation later, but for now, they do stick out.

One last thought: fiction of all kinds is indeed welcome here, not just Diablo works, so feel free to post more. Thanks for posting!