View Full Version : M&M Natural Selection
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duals. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser", and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense thatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd (flock?). Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to:
M&M Mars, A division of Mars, Inc.
Hackettstown, NJ
17840-1503 USA
along with an index card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes." This past week, they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 lb. bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.
There can be only one.
I hope to God you're kidding.
But then again, I kind of hope you aren't.
I hope to God you're kidding.
But then again, I kind of hope you aren't.
No joke, my friend. I'm also thinking of applying for ESPN sponsorship. Depending upon the success and popularity of the tournament, I may also try to branch out into goldfish as well. Though they lack the structural fortitude of the M&Ms, they make more sense when it comes to breeding.
If interest allows, I may update the thread with links to pics, stats, and player bios as the tournament progresses.
It's been a while since I've shed a tear for something because of its awesomeness.
SaroDarksbane
23-08-2008, 05:34
I've read this before, but I couldn't remember where. A quick Google search showed me that I had little hope of ever tracking down the real author, though, since apparently this has been posted everywhere.
Quite funny though, nonetheless.
Check out a pack of peanut M&M's!
Very rarely you will find a perfectly round one that is a mistake - no peanut at all is inside due to a mistake in manufacture.
This is larger and more circular than any normal Plain M&M (formed into a almost perfect sphere) and is the Winner in all such contests against a ordinary M&M.
If Only I could buy a bag of them we could start breeding the Master Race of M&M's
It's a good story but you seriously lose for trying to claim it as your own.
So lets adress the story seperate of dirk.
It's a very good read though I keept thinking that the author has to have been covered in chocolate by the time he finishes as those things shatter when they break.
Sokar Rostau
23-08-2008, 09:05
Maybe the "grant money" is an urban legend, but the rest is true insofar as people do do this sort of thing - I've been doing it for about 20 years. When I was a kid they were spaceships blowing each other up, now I just do it from habit.
Rashiminos
23-08-2008, 12:44
It's a very good read though I keept thinking that the author has to have been covered in chocolate by the time he finishes as those things shatter when they break.
S/he was warned to let them let them melt in his/mouth, not in his/her hand.
Me likee story, now tellee sourcee.
S/he was warned to let them let them melt in his/mouth, not in his/her hand.
the candy coating still melts in the hand even if the chocolate itself doesn't anymore.
CyberHawk
24-08-2008, 17:36
Awesome read tho. Funny stuff.
I think everyone has got a "thing" with some sort of candy in a way. I notice I like to eat things like M&M's in even numbers. Where as a pack of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups of 3.....just doesn't seem right.
I shall eat one with anger for the other two are the chosen....but which to eat first..!
Actually they come in 4's now I think right? This can only make the world a better place.
I think everyone has got a "thing" with some sort of candy in a way. I notice I like to eat things like M&M's in even numbers.
If there are multiple colors / shapes, I like to match and separate mine to different piles, then start from least attractive pile.
Sometimes, if it's a soft candy that's easy to shape, I take the whole bag and form them into a huge candy ball that you can take bites out of. That's pretty gross to everyone, including myself, and usually I end up taking one bite and throwing the ball away. :badteeth:
Awesome read tho. Funny stuff.
I think everyone has got a "thing" with some sort of candy in a way. I notice I like to eat things like M&M's in even numbers. Where as a pack of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups of 3.....just doesn't seem right.
I shall eat one with anger for the other two are the chosen....but which to eat first..!
Actually they come in 4's now I think right? This can only make the world a better place.
when my dad comes out for a visit from the states I normally have him bring some mini reeses since they last longer than the large ones and take up less room in the suitcase, ergo I get more packages. Peanutbuttery-Chocolate goodness. mmmmmm.
buttershug
31-08-2008, 14:15
the candy coating still melts in the hand even if the chocolate itself doesn't anymore.
You must have pretty hot hands to melt the wax coating.
You must have pretty hot hands to melt the wax coating.
I practice.
krischan
31-08-2008, 17:21
If the chocolate becomes liquid, the coating won't add really much stability to them. It just offers protection while the M&Ms are on the way from the bag into your mouth. BTW, it's not wax, it's probably some kind of starch.
We have M&Ms with peanuts and without peanuts here. I assume it's about those with peanuts, correct ?
And yes, the brown ones are the best. The brown color is more pleasing to my eyes than red, green, blue and yellow. It produces the illusion of not being artificial.
Sein Schatten
31-08-2008, 17:52
Delicous, old copypasta.
http://copypasta.org/
If it will come back. Currently down.
I still think they should ditch those latecomer blue ones and bring back light brown. There was a real color.
buttershug
02-09-2008, 11:55
If the chocolate becomes liquid, the coating won't add really much stability to them. It just offers protection while the M&Ms are on the way from the bag into your mouth. BTW, it's not wax, it's probably some kind of starch.
We have M&Ms with peanuts and without peanuts here. I assume it's about those with peanuts, correct ?
And yes, the brown ones are the best. The brown color is more pleasing to my eyes than red, green, blue and yellow. It produces the illusion of not being artificial.
If it's not wax, then why is wax on the list of ingredients?
krischan
02-09-2008, 13:15
Hmm, there's a very thin coating on them which is still crunchy when the chocolate has already melted, so it cannot be wax. Either the no-sticky-fingers coating has both of it or... or... OMG, that's it: The peanuts are made out of wax ! :shocked:
mince pies
02-09-2008, 14:39
I hope this is just a joke and not an analogy to something else..
do i have to phone the nearest psyche ward?
don't worry you can bribe me with a bag of m&ms...:)
You must have pretty hot hands to melt the wax coating.
They don't really melt but the colour comes off on your hands.
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