Choice

[silentwater]

Chapter 1: The Agony Of The Bearer

"I Wished you would do better than that", said the Tainted One. Lips curling in an obvious mockery of the broken human before him.

Leia, cradling a broken and bleeding arm, cried, as only a mother watching her children die, could.

"Please no more, no more." her voice cracking under the pain and suffering.

"You disappoint me Bearer of the Seed, perhaps i was mistaken? Perhaps i have come today to the wrong place. For it was my belief that the Bearer of the Seed would be a little more forthcoming; in her choices."

That mocking smile played upon his lips was like embers, still hot, still irritating. Insubstantial but enough to goad you into hatred.

"Come now cleric, you really don't need any more of them dying do you?" His derisive laughter was like cold sharpened steel to her.

The tears were making it hard to see.

The Cleric glanced once more at the horror strewn in front of her startling green eyes. The tears made it hard to see, but she could make out the dead weights hung on the wall by mercilessly sharp and curved hooks.

The one on the far left side of the cellar, was her husband. Once a farmer who had literally swept the usually resigned cleric off her feet. Against her orders' teachings she had married him. She could never grow tired of his amazing eyes. The eyes that spoke of the world. The eyes that now saw the lifeless body of its owner gazing at it through empty holes. Fortunately death had been swift, He was at least denied the horror of watching as his eyes were cut of their sockets.

No. The Tainted One would want her to witness it.

The tears were making it hard to see.

In the far right of the dark cavernous room lay four of her children. Four bright young children. Exceptional in studies and physical games. Her eldest daughter and the third son were exceptional hunters. Nocking an arrow and shooting in one fell sweep, they could make giants fall if they wanted to. Just yesterday they had brought a large elder wolf and while skinning it, they had recounted how it had very nearly killed them both.

Death had not been merciful to them. Impaled on the same spear, The four of them had to listen to their own screams and watch as they were literally skinned alive and pieces of their fleshes removed in front of their eyes and thrown to the hound lying whimpering near the cupboard. The fact that the human parts lay untasted was trivial to the Tainted One.

The tears made it hard to see.

As her gaze fell upon her remaining children. Tied with vines, scared and whimpering. The eldest of them not more than ten autumns yet.

"Now now Priestess, you still have three of your brood left. I would not flinch in granting them the same fate as those of their siblings and father. Although it would be a challenge for me to best myself in matters of torture. I have been good until now have I not?"

"However..." Hope kindled in the mind of the Cleric. A sinister smile played upon the face of the other.

"However... Bearer Of the Seed, I once again ask of you to give me back what was mine, i promise to leave you and your brood alone. And I don't retract on my promises. I believe you of all people should remember that."

The mocking smile was still in place.

The terrified, broken, human. Writhing in agony on the cold stone, felt the weight of the whole world upon her. How could she play with the lives of the whole world. To grant his wish would be to unleash horror on Sanctuary. She had been entrusted with the secret by her order. To protect for ever. To protect its existence and knowlede until the end of time. To prevent it from going into the wrong hands.

And now the hands that had themselves forged that secret were laid out in mockery of the human before them. A broken woman. A broken mother. A broken Cleric.

She gazed upon her children's terrified faces. As she looked upon the face of the one which was not hers, she saw not fear. She saw hatred. She saw acceptance.She saw something break inside that child's heart.

What could a mother do? She couldn't choose between her children whom she loved most. How could she choose one and let the others die. Wasn't that the wish of them one now standing in front of her?

But then how could she betray the whole of Sanctuary? How could she betray the Light? How can she hand over the very essence of sanctuary to him? How could she sentence every living being on Sanctuary to an eternal damnation in hell?

What could a mother do?

She gave it to him.

[silentwater]

Its a work in progress. DO reply on this with suggestions and reviews etc. Thank you!

[silentwater]

*edit*

The one on the far left side of the cellar, was her husband. Once a farmer who had literally swept the usually resigned cleric off her feet. Against her orders' teachings she had married him. She could never grow tired of his amazing eyes. The eyes that spoke of the world. The eyes that now saw the lifeless body of their owner gazing at it through empty holes. Fortunately death had been swift, He was at least denied the horror of watching as his eyes were ripped right out of their sockets.

[RevenantsKnight]

Hi, silentwater. My apologies that this comes when it does, but I hope it’s still of some use.

On your first chapter of Choices: it’s good to see you taking the events after Diablo II in your own direction (at least, I think it’s your own...I’m not entirely up on the Diablo III rumor mill.) This read pretty smoothly to me, though there are some sentence fragmentation that reads a little awkwardly, and in general you do a nice job of working up a pretty grisly scene. That said, though, that’s also a weakness here, particularly as this is an opening chapter; with the reader being thrown in without much of a clue to the larger world, all there is to fix on is the blood and gore, which makes it feels a bit like you’re going for the shock value more than anything. That will make it harder for most of your audience to take the story seriously if true, so be careful with it. Also, I’d like more of a focus on Leia’s internal anguish, since her decision appears to be what makes the chapter vital to the story and her suffering is a major part of that, though I must admit to a fondness for getting into characters’ thoughts.

Anyway, I hope that’s helpful, and best of luck to you with your writing. Thanks for posting!

[silentwater]

Chapter 2: Human

She woke up screaming.

Seven years are long enough for the mind to forget. But how could she? He had made sure that she would not. Such had been the wrath of the Tainted One.

'But he had been thorough.' She thought.

And revulsion filled her. What was that feeling? Was that...Respect? Respect for the one who annihilated her family? Instantly hating herself, she got out of her bed, trying not to recount the vivid dream of that day seven years ago.

What had he said that night? Didn't he say that he was going to leave them alone? She knew that the demon was true to his promises. Of course she of all people would know it best. But she couldn't help but feel a sense of darkness. A foreboding.

But then, she was a mother after all. What mother wouldn't feel for her child? And her heart filled with warmth as she came upon the door to her beloved children and their faces lit up her mind.

Slowly, she opened their door.

Still Sleeping.

Satisfied, she crept silently out of the house, looking for mushrooms. She was glad for her muffling spell she used to keep the children unaware of her mutterings at night.

'At least they don't have to suffer', she thought. Sadly smiling to herself.

"And yet, you have failed to protect Sanctuary Cleric" said the voice.

Startled, she almost dropped her basket. But hadn't the voice become another part of her since that fateful day? The day when she had condemned every being to an eternal torture. Still it never failed to startle her.

The mocking tone. How she hated it. And yet it was her voice. And yet it wasn't.

Still shivering a little, she turned back from the garden patch to the door. Just to see her two boys standing on the cool grass. She smiled. And it was the smile of an angel. For that's what she was to her children. And they were little cherubs to her.

Little Angels with the most bitter memories. And it was all her fault. Every death. Every scar. And still her children loved her.

After all they were human.

And she looked at him. The one that was not hers. Sixteen, well built. Tall.

'Takes after his father that one.' She thought smiling.

But how can she tell him the truth? Would he hate her?

"Of course he will madame Cleric". She could almost imagine that voice with a face. Lips curling in an absolutely mocking smile. Tongue forming words of the most vile nature. But the voice was hers and only hers. She had long given up trying to get rid of it. It was her conscience speaking, she knew that.

And she knew she had not long left. 'He would have to know and soon'. She heard herself thinking. There was not long left until the year of the prophecy came.

Three summers remained. Three summers left for Sanctuary to breath it's last. For the trees to bear fruit once again. For the flowers to bloom in their fullest might. For the end of the world was imminent.

She had been the Judge. Condemned Sanctuary to a painful end. And she had never come to terms with her choice as the memories haunted her continuously.

But how would the Executioner do what he must do? And what of her children. The two of hers. Innocent but scarred and unbreakable. And the one who must eventually do the unthinkable.

And the time was come when she must tell him most of his truth. She couldn't possibly tell him what part had he to play in the end. She was forbidden.

But even if she wasn't, she would still have made this same decision. For did he not deserve the few years of happiness. Didn't all of them deserve a few years more.

They are human aren't they?

"But Is HE??" And she heard her own maniacal laughter ringing in her head. Then she looked upon Islor with the true eye, and she saw him once again for who he truly was.

He was not human.

[silentwater]

Thanks Revenant for that great critique.

And i don't want to focus on the shock value of the scene. This story i am writing is a pretty long one. About the length of the Sin War stories. And i want a careful development of the characters. Because the characters are the key in this story. Thus i can't plunge the readers at once into a background of the setting. They will come to know as i develop more into the story.

I have a general idea and guide to the story and im expanding on those. I will keep posting as and when i get time off from my college.

[RevenantsKnight]

On Chapter 2: as a lead-up to something bigger, I think this works pretty well. There’s a good stock of hints for the reader here without revealing too much, with a suitably dramatic tone and the twist at the end. Besides that, though, this feels a bit rushed; there’s very little description of the scene or of much else in the story here, which felt rather odd in contrast with the previous chapter. I think that it would strengthen this quite a bit if you added in some imagery at a few points, such as when Leia thinks of her sleeping children or of the summers and trees and flowers that are now threatened. I say give the reader a better mental picture of what will come to an end, so that it’s more than just an intellectual fact. There’re also some sentence fragments and odd grammatical bits that broke up the piece’s flow for me; since this appears to be a systematic thing, I’d suggest maybe another quick editing run-through. If you’re not sure which examples I mean and want further comments on that or on anything else, let me know and I’ll see if I can do something.

As an aside on length, if by the Sin War stories you mean the tales included in the Diablo manual, that’s not very long at all for a character-driven story with an epic arc. At any rate, it matters more that you get to what you need to cover.

Anyway, best of luck, and whenever you bring up the next piece, hopefully I’ll be around to say something. Thanks for posting!

[The Last Melon]

I'll try to comment without rehashing what Rev's already said:

The ideas and imagery in this piece are quite good, and the opening scene is certainly gruesome enough to turn away the faint at heart. It's good to see a very human protagonist ("What could a mother do?") and we're easily able to sympathize with her because of that.

That said, your style is a little bit minimalist; for example, all that you tell us about the Tainted One is that it's smiling mockingly. Although this is a point that ends up having a lot to do with the demon's role in the story, it doesn't tell us a lot about the thing and thus we're left somewhat wanting. It helps here somewhat to pretend that your audience has no knowledge of the Diablo universe, thus leaving you to describe everything to them.

In addition, I'd take a second look at how you refer to your character Leia. Calling her "the Cleric" distances her from the audience; "Leia" makes her more intimate. While there are reasons that you'll want to switch between the two, perhaps more in the future, you might want to keep an eye on what you're doing.

As Rev mentioned, there is some sentence fragmentation that is a little bit jarring; I'll point out a couple examples from the first chapter:

"I Wished you would do better than that", said the Tainted One. Lips curling in an obvious mockery of the broken human before him.

Leia, cradling a broken and bleeding arm, cried, as only a mother watching her children die, could.

This could be cleaned up to read a bit more smoothly; I might suggest:

"I wish you would do better than that," said the Tainted One, lips curled in an obviously mocking smile at the broken human in front of him.

Leia, cradling a broken and bleeding arm, cried as only a mother watching her children die could.

Again, that's simply a suggestion, but on the whole there are a lot of places where your syntax could be smoothed out.

Again, on the whole this is a good piece with obviously some vivid pictures behind it; you might want to try fleshing out your descriptions more as you progress.