The Marauder

[MrProphet]

I actually wrote this fanfic for another game *gasp*. It's situated in the warhammer universe, but I feel you all have a good fan fic community and I'd like to hear some feedback if you guys don't mind.




Chapter 1.
-----------------------------
He was the son of a merchant. Not any of the wealthy sort, but the man made enough to support his only son and himself; as well as live a modest, but not luxurious lifestyle. This merchant was the traveling kind, exploring the world for new places to sell his goods.

It was decided one day that they would travel north. The boy was excited by the promise of adventure, as most boys that age are, and willingly traveled with his father to the northlands.

"Father, are we going as far north as the Chaos Wastes?" the boy asked. Laughing heartily, his father replied, "Not quite that far, my son. I seek merely profit, not danger. We will still be traveling very far north, and I must ask you to stay very close to my side."

The father wasn't a fighter, but he was confident he could protect his only son against any danger that could present itself in the northlands. Humans can be so naive sometimes.

After a very long journey, constituting many months traversing the harsh and barren northlands, they arrived at the small village the trader sought. "These people haven't seen a merchant in many years," he explained to his son, "they are likely to pay or trade greatly for my goods, which are very foreign to this land."

As the day when on, the merchant and father conducted his many transactions with the natives and made a fair share of coin. It was in the dead at night when his peaceful world came crashing down around him.

The boy awoke to seeing his father being dragged out of bed by a northlander. He screamed. Then he saw what looked like steel growing out of his father's back. The steel began to spread it's taint, slowly but surely corrupting the man until the metal protruded like an unholy mountain out of a vile landscape.

Then he saw the northlander's eyes. Not the cold eyes of a killer, but the bloodshot and maniacal eyes of one who revels in carnage of all types. To this day he dosen't know if it was a mere northlander the boy saw, or a disciple of the Chaos God himself.

His world blurred. The boy ran until he couldn't run anymore, past the burning village, ran until his body shook and ached, and his adrenaline supply was almost as exhausted as his emotions.

He awoke many hours later, in the womb of a freshly fallen blanket of snow. As he began to stir and sat up, the memories of the previous night came flashing back at him. He saw his father being dragged out of bed and slaughtered, over and over again in his mind, like some demented puppet show.

The boy wept. He wept for his father. He wept for the life that was all but lost to him now. He wept for the end of his innocence. He wept for the loss of the security that little boys always seem to feel. Like nothing bad could ever happen, it just wasn't possible.
----------------------------
Chapter 2.
----------------------------
As he walked along in the fresh powder of a forest, the boy began to notice a strange silence. He wiped the tears out of his eyes and stopped a moment to ponder this unatural phenomenon. It was in that moment the wolf pack struck.

The wolves crept out of the woods, slowly surrounding the boy. They were cautious, their movements were slow and deliberate, timid but deadly. The largest wolf of the pack stepped foward towards the boy. This wolf, presumably the alpha male, looked straight into the boy's large and terrified eyes. He saw something there, from experience, he could tell it was fear.
Not ordinary fear, not fear of a shady person, or a creaky old house. This was true fear. The kind of fear that grips your soul. It slows your thinking, blurrs your vision, makes your muscles grow heavy, and slowly wraps your heart in it's icy embrace. The kind of fear that could only be bourne of the greatest fear of them all. Deep within man's heart, he fears what he does not know. He fears the noises he hears at night, the whispers in the dark, and whatever sadistic images his imagination conjures up.

At the back of his animal brain, deep within his primal heart, he wolf felt something happen to him. Suddenly he felt afraid. So very, very, afraid. He looked at the small human child which could only promise fresh meat for his pack. Yet, he was reluctant. He was hesitant. His instincts screamed, "TURN BACK."

The wolf let out a long, mournful howl. Bourne of fear and frustration, this howl carried across the winds, echoing throughout the quiet, snowladen forest. This howl however, while striking hesitation in the wolf pack, attracted the attention of something much darker. Something more sinister then a simple beast could ever be.

The wolves simply turned and sprinted silently away through the undergrowth. Stunned, the boy began praying like his father taught him, thanking his God for saving him from the wolf pack.

When man prays, he believes he is talking to something higher, something or someone bigger and more expansive then himself. In this way, what the boy thought was correct. When man prays, he prays for the well being of himself or his family, or thanks his God for the good fortune he has received. Usually, man dosen't expect an answer.

This time, something answered. Something higher, someone more expansive then himself. One thing could be clear, however. This was not any God a young boy would do well praying to.

The boy felt like his head became made of steel all of the sudden, weighing much more then it should apon his young shoulders. Almost like it wasn't just him thinking inside that brain of his. "Your God of Order and Light did not save you, mortal. I did."
--------------------------------
Chapter 3.
--------------------------------
When the boy heard the sinister but calm voice, it seemed to lightly echo around his head, touching every border of his conciousness. The voice seemed to reassure the boy, but when he tried to respond, he found himself unable to speak or conjure up words in his mind. For the moment anyway, he found that he could only listen.

"Hear me and behold, mortal. I am Tzeentch, the God of Chaos. I have saved you from death, and so you must serve me in life."

The little boy was confused, he knew nothing of serving others, or chaos, for that matter. Sensing the boy's confusion, the voice softened. Even the God of Chaos understood that a normal approach wouldn't work on a little boy. Instead of sinister, the voice was now more nurturing, almost like the boy imagined his mother would sound.

"You poor boy, it's a good thing I was here to save you from those wolves when I did. They might have done some bad things to a little boy like you."

Almost changing into a different voice, more persuading then the second, Tzeentch spoke. "It's so sad what happened to your father. I know you would have saved him if you could."

The boy started to like this mysterious voice that he had only met moments ago. In moments, the voice seemed to be more of a father then the merchant ever could have been. "Why don't you become my friend? The same thing happened to my son that happened to your father."

The little boy thought little of the consequences of his actions, much like most boys that age tend to do.

He needn't have thought any words, Tzeentch felt through the boy's emotions that he would agree to the terms.

Tzeentch...the name sounded very strange and foreign to the boy. Sensing his confusion, the voice adressed the matter, "You may call me Father, if you find that easier to invoke."

The boy found he could communicate once again and thought his agreement.

"We could be great friends, you and I."

The boy agreed once more, and the God of Chaos knew he had him.

"Just repeat after me, I will serve only Tzeentch evermore, until Chaos rules the world."

The boy felt strange saying these words, but he did as he was bidden.

"As a token of our friendship, take my blessing, and use it to let all know whom you serve."

The boy's arm grew, it twisted, it became the same grotesque image that pierced his father's back, what seemed like years ago. He screamed. Loud and hard, the boy screamed. It seemed to shake the very trees in that still forest. Even the alpha wolf, still in a foul mood from his unsuccessful hunt, felt an all-too-human chill run down his spine.

"This could be the start of a great friendship," the voice said with great mirth.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Comments and criticism (the constructive kind :) ) are appreciated.

[MrProphet]

like I said... *cough* ANY *cough* feedback is appreciated. :rolleyes:

[Arokthis]

I usually read everything that gets posted, so I'm amazed I missed this.

"It was decided one day that they would travel north."
As is, it sounds like the father had no say in the matter; as if he were forced to go by some city council or something. Is that what you intended?

"As the day when on, the merchant and father conducted ..."
Skip the "and father" part; we alrady know who he is.

"The boy awoke to seeing his father being ..."
Either "awoke to see" or "awoke to the sight of" there. (Grammar Nazi moment.) Another option is "A noise woke the boy. It was his father being ..."

"He saw his father being dragged out of bed and slaughtered, over and over again in his mind, like some demented puppet show."
Try "Over and over again in his mind, he saw his father being dragged out of bed and slaughtered, like some demented puppet show." instead. As you have it, it sounds like his father is being killed in his (the father's) mind.

Hope this helps.

[tamrend]

As Arokthis said, avoid passive voice. There is a time for it, but unless there is a compelling reason to do otherwise, structure your sentences to say that "a subject took some action", rather than "some action was taken".

"Humans can be so naive sometimes."

As foreshadowing, this is too obvious and blunt. Prepare the reader for the coming shift in narrative by describing, not telling them. Use symbolism, descriptions of the surroundings, whatever. Do it properly, and the readers will catch the mood without you having to tell them.

I felt like the boy was a caricature. Your first chapter is pretty short, and this is the only real background that we get for his character before you turn his world upside down. How to fix this? Describe, don't tell. An example:

"After a very long journey, constituting many months traversing the harsh and barren northlands, they arrived at the small village the trader sought."

Put yourself in the character. It's all good and well to say, "It's a really hot day today," in polite conversation. The author speaks a different language: "The air felt thick and confining as I fumbled the keys into the ignition. Sweat had already begun to pour down my back. I gritted my teeth against the rush of hot air as the car started and waited for the air conditioning to work."

The appearance of Tzeentch wasn't all that impressive. I have no reason to believe that a god of any kind would have reason to take notice of this unremarkable boy.

All in all, your technical prowess (grammar and sentence structure) isn't bad, but you need to work on technique. As you start each paragraph, think of a visual scene and then work to describe it.

[MrProphet]

Thanks for the great advice guys, probably some of the better i've gotten. Next time I write I'll definitely try and keep the advice in mind. Especially the grammar, because I know mine sometimes needs work.

About Tzeentch and his entrance. He wasn't intended to be dramatic and impressive. He's the god of change, and change occurs gradually. Change is inevitable and always occurs for a reason. Usually long term changes like I'm referring to aren't noticeable right away. Obviously, i still have to do a little better on that aspect. I tried to make his entrance and role a little on the subtle side. I'll have to work on the technique a little though. :scratch:

I tend to have alot of great ideas in my head while i'm writing and in the case of the failed- "Humans can be so naive sometimes."- attempt at forshadowing, I had a prospect that could have been interesting but I failed to follow through. I think my major flaw is that I don't put that much effort into editing my work.

Next time I write a short fanfic like this I'll definitely keep your advice in mind and try to edit accordingly.

Also, my English teacher has talked about it a little but could you explain the difference between passive and active voice? If you don't mind of course. I tend to mess that up alot and it would be easier for me to work on it if i had a better understanding of what, exactly, it is.

Thanks for the great comments guys :grin:

[tamrend]

When I say I wasn't impressed by Tzeentch's entry into the story, I mean that the scene just wasn't written in a way that lended credibility to the experience. Basically, the boy hears the god talking to him, which seems to me to be the least imaginative way you could do this. You have a glimmering of a good idea when you change the god's tone to motherly, preying on the boy's emotional attachments, but it still comes out as the god reasoning with him. I would suggest to drop reason and go for a purely emotional approach of some kind.

Passive voice makes the object the subject of the sentence. A conjugation of the verb "to be" is used in the sentence (this sentence is a passive one, by the way, the one before was active). Here are a few examples of passive:

My change was stolen by the Coke machine.

Diablo II was purchased for me by my sister-in-law's friend .

This website is used by writers to post their fanfiction.

And here are the same sentences rewritten as active sentences:

The Coke machine stole my change.

My sister-in-law's friend purchased Diablo II for me.

Writers use this website to post their fanfiction.

You'll notice that in every case, the active voice produces sentences that read shorter and more to the point and really leverage the power of the verbs. The existential "to be" verbs wash this out by making the action a characteristic of the sentence's subject rather than allowing the subject to act directly through the verb. E-prime actually eschews the existential verbs altogether, making every verb an action verb rather than a descriptive one. I've never tried writing anything substantial in e-prime other than short bits such as this paragraph, but I think I would find it enlightening should I do so.

[MrProphet]

Wow. Thanks for the insight, tamrend. I really appreciate the help. I was thinking of writing another story in the future for my Orc Choppa and i'll definetly try my utmost to use active voice and to edit for errors like you said. Thanks for all the help! :grin:

[Dirkw]

Hey MrProphet, I've read your story and I like your stuff. You seem pretty adept at storytelling. Still, I've found some stuff for you to work with. Maybe it's of use to you, maybe it isn't. You be the judge. Ive only commented on chapter 1, because I don't know how or if you'll respond. So, here goes:

He was the son of a merchant. Not any of the wealthy sort, but the man made enough to support his only son and himself; as well as live a modest, but not luxurious lifestyle. This merchant was the traveling kind, exploring the world for new places to sell his goods.
<Wealthy "sort" doesn't sound organic enough. "kind" will do better.>
<The man "made enough". I don't like that.>
<as well as live a modest, but not luxurious lifestyle> You can cut this phrase, IMO. "Lifestyle" is not the kind of word for such storytelling.
I also feel it is obvious by now, somehow you've managed this well, that the merchant is traveling the world to sustain his life. If anything, the story will explain this later.


It was decided one day that they would travel north. The boy was excited by the promise of adventure, as most boys that age are, and willingly traveled with his father to the northlands.
<It was decided one day> You should emphasize the influence of the father on the boy, to create sharper contrast. From that perspective, "it was decided" is (indeed) too passive. The father decided. He was the boy's all.
<willingly traveled> I like this.


"Father, are we going as far north as the Chaos Wastes?" the boy asked. Laughing heartily, his father replied, "Not quite that far, my son. I seek merely profit, not danger. We will still be traveling very far north, and I must ask you to stay very close to my side."
<The boy asked> The boy asked how? The boy asked trembling with fear? Shouldn't he seem aroused by the prospect?
<very far north> This isn't wrong, semantically, it's just out of style, imo.
<And I must ask you to stay very close to my side> The way the boy seems, he will cling to his dad no matter what. His dad should be aware of this. Your storytelling doesn't require you to explain the boy's loyalty, but you can delve into his intelligence instead. "I must ask you to trust in me" would therefore sound better IMO, as if the boy would have a reason to doubt this journey (which he has, if he is indeed an intelligent boy).
<I seek merely> Leave out "merely", it would make the contrast between "profit" and "danger" so much stronger. The idea you got here is very good, imo.


The father wasn't a fighter, but he was confident he could protect his only son against any danger that could present itself in the northlands. Humans can be so naive sometimes.
<Yeah, the latter part is very bad, as you know already>
<Wasn't a fighter> "Wasn't *much* of a fighter"; It would seem to me that the father got at least some knowledge of combat. This kind of merchant seems to live a rough life, after all.
<Only son> No need to emphasize the son being the only one. It only makes the reader wonder "were there any other sons? Did they die?" "Does the father regret having only one son?", etc. Keep the reader focused.


After a very long journey, constituting many months traversing the harsh and barren northlands, they arrived at the small village the trader sought. "These people haven't seen a merchant in many years," he explained to his son, "they are likely to pay or trade greatly for my goods, which are very foreign to this land."
<First part of this phrase> Love it. "MAny months"; "trAversing"; "hArsh And bArren"; coincidentally "northlAnds"; I love this sense of rhyme. "Very long journey" can be improved on, imo.
I'm also fond of the explanation the father gives to his son, by the way. The relation between father and son has to be established and this is a very effective way of dealing with that. I think there should be more of this in this story, especially if you can put it as beautifully softly, heartwarmingly, as this. The reader will sense emotion when reading this. You can take out <or trade>, though, imo, especially as you'll be refering to the made profit as coins in the next paragraph.


As the day when <went> on, the merchant and father conducted his many transactions with the natives and made a fair share of coin. It was in the dead at night when his <their> peaceful world came crashing down around him <them>.
<natives> Meh. Elaborate. Take your time on that; "natives" is too generic imo. Natives of what? Where exactly is the duo at this point in time? The reader needs some navigation, some compass. Then the reader will also know, WHERE the peace ends, which gives the situation and the foreboding more depth altogether. Mention it in time ("after hours of traveling") or in distance or in amount of experiences gained, whatever.


The boy awoke to seeing his father being dragged out of bed by a northlander. He screamed. Then he saw what looked like steel growing out of his father's back. The steel began to spread it's taint, slowly but surely corrupting the man until the metal protruded like an unholy mountain out of a vile landscape
<The boy awoke... by a northlander> This needs some introduction, imo, because you usually awake in the morning, while the evoked terror takes place at night - AKA: WHY did the boy awake; what woke him up; what disturbed him? The reader needs imagery. He has to be able to imagine.
<northlander> I'm sure the fellon has more typical properties to the boy than just his nationality/where he came from. It gets worse because a novice reader has no idea of what makes a Northlander (if you called him a burglar, a reader would have more sense of the perpetrator's identity, if you get my point).


Then he saw the northlander's eyes. Not the cold eyes of a killer, but the bloodshot and maniacal eyes of one who revels in carnage of all types. To this day he dosen't know if it was a mere northlander the boy saw, or a disciple of the Chaos God himself.
<Entire phrase> Now the reader is even more confused. You call it the eyes of a northlander but then you implicitly question whether it was actually a northlander.


His world blurred. <what happened? The boy thought he should run? Something leads to the decision of running; the blurr alone isn't enough explanation. We can hide most anything behind a 'blur' and leave it up to the reader.> The boy ran until he couldn't run anymore, past the burning village, ran until his body shook and ached, and his adrenaline supply was almost as exhausted as his emotions (where).
<almost> Why almost? You don't need to soften this up. It's good as is, although it may be a bit too much to ask from a reader to imagine "exhausted emotions". Such a thing seems too relative and subjective to me.

He awoke many hours later, in the womb of a freshly fallen <that's lovely alliteration> blanket of snow <also, nice>. As he began to stir and sat up, the memories of the previous night came flashing back at him. He saw his father being dragged out of bed and slaughtered, over and over again in his mind, like some demented puppet show.
<some demented puppet show> Nono, please, you can make a better comparison than this :)

The boy wept. He wept for his father. He wept for the life that was all but lost to him now. He wept for the end of his innocence <is it reasonable to ask from a child that he weeps for the loss of his innocence? It's unrealistic drama, imo.>. He wept for the loss of the security that little boys <he> always seem<ed> to feel. Like nothing bad could ever happen, it just wasn't possible. <didn't seem real>

Good stuff, I like your story. Your creation feels real and is generally compelling, to me. I can't say much about your grammar, since I'm no native english speaker. But grammar is basically a tool, an instrument. Not a goal. If you want me to go on on chapter 2 & 3, just ring a bell =)

[MrProphet]

Dirkw, let me just say, "wow."

I really appreciate the analysis. In case you were wondering i'm ususally crucified because of my grammar :rolleyes:. The advice you offered seemed to make a lot of sense because you explained it quite well. I also liked how you complimented as well as criticised at the same time; you made it seem worth it. If you could do an analysis of chapters 2 and 3 maybe i'll take all of the suggestions people have and totally revise the story.

[Dirkw]

As he walked along in the fresh powder of a forest, the boy began to notice a strange silence. He wiped the tears out of his eyes and stopped a moment to ponder this unatural phenomenon. It was in that moment the wolf pack struck.
<a forest> What forest, what kind of forest, etc.
<a strange silence> What makes the silence strange? Why does it have to be strange? Also, you don't just 'notice' a silence. It comes over you, in a way, i think.
<He wiped...his eyes> This should be linked to what happened before in some way. I think, probably depends on how chapter 2 and 3 are put together.
<unnatural phenomenon> A silence isn't unnatural at all. It being 'strange' doesn't make it unnatural either. You have to justify the unnatural element of this silence.


The wolves crept out of the woods, slowly surrounding the boy. They were cautious, their movements were slow and deliberate, timid but deadly. The largest wolf of the pack stepped foward towards the boy. This wolf, presumably the alpha male, looked straight into the boy's large and terrified eyes. He saw something there, from experience, he could tell it was fear.
<The wolves.... the boy> OK
<They were cautious> The wolves cautious, why? I know they will have a reason to, as the story will explain, but at this point it strikes the reader rather odd.
<Slow and deliberate> slow but deliberate, timid but deadly. Would make it good.
<Presumably the alpha male> Mheh. I have trouble digesting this.
<He could tell it was fear> This kind of personalization can't be applied here, because even though it's a figure of speech, it does matter here that a wolf will never 'be able to tell'. Not in this (sf-)context.


Not ordinary fear, not fear of a shady person, or a creaky old house. This was true fear. The kind of fear that grips your soul. It slows your thinking, blurrs your vision, makes your muscles grow heavy, and slowly wraps your heart in it's icy embrace. The kind of fear that could only be bourne of the greatest fear of them all.
<The kind... them all> Fear spawns from the greatest fear of them all? What's that? The boy fears and the fear springs from the worst fear possible. Isn't that fear then exactly that fear; the greatest fear of them all? It isn't bourne of it, it IS it. Or?
I like how you describe what that kind of fear DOES, I just don't like how you define that fear (and its origin).


Deep within man's heart, he fears what he does not know. He fears the noises he hears at night, the whispers in the dark, and whatever sadistic images his imagination conjures up.
<Where does this come from? Or is this the 'greatest fear of them all' you spoke of? If so, this comes rather late to me. Your point was made already, as it should have.>


At the back of his animal brain, deep within his primal heart, the wolf felt something happen to him. Suddenly he felt afraid. So very, very, afraid. He looked at the small human child which could only promise fresh meat for his pack. Yet, he was reluctant. He was hesitant. His instincts screamed, "TURN BACK."
<Is your point here that the wolf fears because he sees something in the child that he doesn't know/understand/hasn't seen before? Your meta story explains how this boy isn't normal, so it's automatically obvious what it is that this wolf fears. It will thus work to not inform the reader directly as to WHY the wolf feels a need to back off. All this goes back to telling you that the passage of "Deep within man's...imagination conjures up" can go, imo.>


The wolf let out a long, mournful howl. Bourne of fear and frustration, this howl carried across the winds, echoing throughout the quiet, snowladen forest. This howl however, while striking hesitation in the wolf pack, attracted the attention of something much darker. Something more sinister then a simple beast could ever be.
<This contains some nice wording. Mournful, across the winds, snowladen, etc, it's all pretty imaginative. It is clearly a strong point of yours.>
<Take out "however". There's nothing it adds; if anything it substracts>


The wolves simply turned and sprinted silently away through the undergrowth. Stunned, the boy began praying like his father taught him, thanking his God for saving him from the wolf pack.
<sprinted silently> I see what you're trying to do here. There's a problem here with the sounding of the words 'sprint' and 'undergrowth'. It's like putting together 'sharp' and 'blunt' - not semantically, but artistically. I think undergrowth captures the right tone, and 'sprinted' has to go. In that sense, I also would advise against 'simply'.
There can also be done a lot more explaining, it doesn't have to derail ofcourse, about the praying matter. How does he pray, what exactly did his father teach him. Elaborate, I say.


When man prays, he believes he is talking to something higher, something or someone bigger and more expansive then himself. In this way, what the boy thought was correct. When man prays, he prays for the well being of himself or his family, or thanks his God for the good fortune he has received. Usually, man dosen't expect an answer.
<You're fumbling with abstractives here. "Something higher"; "Something bigger"; "Someone bigger"; "Something more expansive"; "Someone more expansive". Choose one and stick with it, preferrably something that The point is clear.>
<Usually, man doesn't expect an answer> Again, I see what you're doing here and it's good and very effective, except for this: Change "expect" into "get" (people do expect an answer, they just don't ever seem to get one).


This time, something answered. Something higher, someone more expansive then himself. One thing could be clear, however. This was not any God a young boy would do well praying to.
<Don't backtrack to the fact that 'it' is beyond the boy>
<Last part of the passage is nice, very subtile humor included>


The boy felt like his head became made of steel all of the sudden, weighing much more then it should apon his young shoulders. Almost like it wasn't just him thinking inside that brain of his. "Your God of Order and Light did not save you, mortal. I did."
<made of> leave this out.
You should invoke the sense that a conscience enters the boy's head, because the 'extra weight' doesn't lead the reader into understanding or believing something has entered the boy's head.

Well, sorry for the late reply, is what I'm left with saying. I hope you're still hanging on to replies. If so, I'd like to go about chapter 3 maybe later this week. Thanks for caring, cheers :)

[MrProphet]

Dirkw, you shouldn't have to thank me for caring. :grin:

I always care about the things I write, and reading reviews like yours, and the advice offered to me by others makes me a better writer overall.

Looking forward to chapter three. If i get inspired i might just rewrite the whole story. :wink3:

[Dirkw]

When the boy heard the sinister but calm voice, it seemed to lightly echo around his head, touching every border of his conciousness. The voice seemed to

reassure the boy, but when he tried to respond, he found himself unable to speak or conjure up words in his mind. For the moment anyway, he found that he

could only listen.
<sinister BUT calm> As if the villain's 'sinisterness' is uncontrolled. No-go, because the villain's superiority can't already be questioned in the first

line that's about him.
<his head> Recall the boy (his name, or just him) for the reader's comfort. Also, do you really want the echo to touch his conciousness from the outside in

or from the inside out (echo around --> echo in his head)?
Being unable to 'conjure up words in his mind' also implies he can't form thinking patterns at all, which would render him unable to conclude he could only

listen.
The rest seems good to me.


"Hear me and behold, mortal. I am Tzeentch, the God of Chaos. I have saved you from death, and so you must serve me in life."
<Isn't this a little cheesy/generic? Not necassarily bad, I'm just thinking you could maybe do better>


The little boy was confused, he knew nothing of serving others, or chaos, for that matter. Sensing the boy's confusion, the voice softened. Even the God of

Chaos understood that a normal approach wouldn't work on a little boy. Instead of sinister, the voice was now more nurturing, almost like the boy imagined

his mother would sound.
<The little boy... for that matter> Again I like this touch of humor :)
<Sensing the boy's... the voice softened> Isn't this either a little soft or miscalculated from this god of chaos to (have to) adjust himself to the boy this

rapidly?
<Even the God... a little boy>Do not insult the reader - he should understand the problem at hand.
<Instead of sinister... mother would sound> The problem here is; what do we know about the boy's mother? We don't know if he's had a mother and this passage

does raise this question: what about the boy's mother? We don't have to know details but direction is needed.


"You poor boy, it's a good thing I was here to save you from those wolves when I did. They might have done some bad things to a little boy like you."
<It's a good thing> Mweh. It's a 'good thing'... Just think about how paradoxical it is to hear these words from this villain :)
<Some bad things> A can-do eufemism.


Almost changing into a different voice, more persuading then the second, Tzeentch spoke. "It's so sad what happened to your father. I know you would have

saved him if you could."
<Almost changing into... second, Tzeentch spoke> He's adjusted himself for the second time now. Please note that his credibilty deminishes every time you do

this.
Rest seems OK.


The boy started to like this mysterious voice that he had only met moments ago. In moments, the voice seemed to be more of a father then the merchant ever

could have been. "Why don't you become my friend? The same thing happened to my son that happened to your father."
<In moments, the... could have been> Incredibly huge statement. The god of chaos suddenly sounding more like a father to him than the merchant ever could

have is groundbreaking, ESPECIALLY because you managed to make the bond between the two (boy/merchant) appear so strong throughout your story (which is a

good thing, obviously). While I like you attempting to explain why the boy starts liking him, the explanation that follows isn't really an explanation at

all, it's more of an elaboration on the strength of the voice's attractiveness. You should really explain what exactly triggers the boy's amicality towards

the voice.
<The same thing... to your father>Intrueging plot device and cliffhanger rolled into one, this is a very strong passage.


The little boy thought little of the consequences of his actions, much like most boys that age tend to do.
You've kind of lost me/the reader at this point. What direction is this going in, or, why do you bring this up at all?

He needn't have thought any words, Tzeentch felt through the boy's emotions that he would agree to the terms.
Still, the reader is pretty much lost. Exactly why does the boy agree? He can only be in some state of hypnosis for this to work, which is sort of what

you're trying to bring across, but you must work on strengthening it so that 'some state of hypnosis' becomes a more defined element for the reader to work

with. What makes this hard(er) is that in this story's case, this sort of mindtrickery, hypnotism, won't be momentuous. The boy will change his ways...

FOREVER, or at least for a very long time if I am to understand your foreboding story correctly, so we need a good/more reason for the boy to change. This is

a huge, huge, huge thing in the story, because it's all about a shift in the boy's religion, life, personality, EVERYTHING, so it needs to be as well-founded

as possible.


Tzeentch...the name sounded very strange and foreign to the boy. Sensing his confusion, the voice adressed the matter, "You may call me Father, if you find

that easier to invoke."




The boy found he could communicate once again and thought his agreement.
Now, this way of communicating earlier went through the boy's emotions ("Tzeentch felt through the boy's emotions..."), and now it goes through the boy's

rationale. What is it going to be? I'm guessing ditch the 'emotions' part, but you can work this out in any way you want, ofcourse, as long as you maintain

consistency.
<And thought his agreement>A somewhat clumsical way of putting it (though, again, I understand the motive), just "The boy agreed" would do (for me). The

reason I feel it doesn't work the way you're trying to put is because the reader already understands at this point the way the two communicate.


"We could be great friends, you and I."
Nice, good, great. Although it only barely escapes a sense of clicheïsm, it still works very well because of dualplicitous context (introduction of a

relationship + the boy's sense of having found a 'new' father makes the use of 'friends' very ambiguous. Again, great.).


The boy agreed once more, and the God of Chaos knew he had him.
<And the God... he had him> He had him? I'm gonna call you on populistic word use, going wrong where 'it's a good thing' also irked me.

"Just repeat after me, I will serve only Tzeentch evermore, until Chaos rules the world."
With their way of communicating, is this ceremonial explication really necassary? I also have trouble the way you put it; it makes Tzeentch look somewhat

goofy.


The boy felt strange saying these words, but he did as he was bidden.
IF the boy is so in awe of Tzeench, seeing in him - amongst other things - a new father and renewed guidance, how can it feel strange to him to say these

words? If anything, it sounds strange because it actually sounds goofy ("I will serve Tzeentch evermore". I have a hard time taking it seriously)

"As a token of our friendship, take my blessing, and use it to let all know whom you serve."
No. Not before it is absolutely 100% clear that the boy knows what he's going into. Because... (read on)...

The boy's arm grew, it twisted, it became the same grotesque image that pierced his father's back, what seemed like years ago. He screamed. Loud and hard,

the boy screamed. It seemed to shake the very trees in that still forest. Even the alpha wolf, still in a foul mood from his unsuccessful hunt, felt an

all-too-human chill run down his spine.
...Because... Without a sense of 100% clearity for both the reader and the boy of what's to come, this passage comes over as WTF is happening to this boy?

Again, I'm telling you to take your time for this.
Otherwise, the imagery in this passage is very strong. Heck, the passage is strong period. What it needs is more sense of necessity and acceptance.


"This could be the start of a great friendship," the voice said with great mirth.
Remember when he said "We could be great friends, you and I"? Well, don't do that here again. You need something different here, something that focuses more

on things to come. If you take this advise, I'm really curious to see what you can come up with.



Well, that's about it. It has some really good and strong parts and I've pointed those out. You'll also notice I had serious trouble understanding the boy's

metamorphosis. While his physical change (end of the story) is strong, it may be too strong and too much too soon if you can't find a way of explaining what

makes these physical changes to the boy rhyme with how he changes characteristically, mentally. He seems to have 'grown' (well, changed), on the outside, but

at the end of the day, he still seems the shy, insecure, innocent boy, unable to cope with his new body (hence the 'WTF is happening', sorry if that came off

bad). If you can somehow manage to take care of that, and imperatively, remove (some of) his innocence, the story will be very strong and I'd love to read

what is to come (if there is any... I hope so?).