The Jade Talon

[chi987]

Hello :smiley: I began writing this story about two years ago and it was the first fanfic I had ever written. While I did enjoy writing it, I don't think there were many that enjoyed reading it because it was, I'll say, written awkwardly. It was just a idea in my head at the time and I stopped writing for a while mainly because of being busy with school. Now I've learned a few new things so I'm in the process of revising this story. I'm still busy with school right now so I can't promise anything but hopefully I'll be able to add more segments from time to time.

As well as posting the text, I am going to update the full version of what I've posted in a pdf at this link (http://chi.1.vg/) (You need adobe reader to view it). The forum posts might get messy as I try to change things around so the pdf will probably be easier to read

[chi987]

Chapter 1

A woman stood over the outline of a city. Her dark brown eyes pierced through the darkened evening sky, meandering over the voluminous form ahead. She could see the small city at the edge of the sea, the faint light of sailing beacons and late-night activities, visible to those watching carefully. It was a port-town; one of the nodes of the civilized world, called Kurast. The young woman travelled past the rural area, heading towards the city gates. Upon entering, she could feel a powerful aura creeping around her. It was a force barrier, feeding off hostile intent. Silently, the woman calmed herself and the feeling disappeared.

Shrugging through the preliminary defense, she found herself upon a thick wooden palisade with guards at the entrances. They stood erect, searching out into the distance, but no one had noticed the small form slinking beneath their post; This was not remarkable, because the woman had trained to avoid detection since childhood. Nevertheless she eyed the sharp weapons resting at her side. Briefly, she wondered what end an encounter with the guards would produce, but dismissed the idea, which had a bad habit of invading her thoughts. Bypassing the front gates, she opted to scale the wall. The jagged wall, thatched together with wood, stone, and mortar, was a thorny obstacle. With minor acrobatics, she could scale it free of injury. The blades at her sides came out eagerly and dug deep into the crevices, as she then gracefully slid up the wall.


Settling far past the border, the woman glanced at the city interior, recalling the place from her memories. Deviating from the housing complex, she came upon an alleyway, one of the many dark places of town. The narrow passageway was surrounded by rickety buildings: a small decrepit inn, some broken-down apartments, and an old storehouse. The background sky was spiked with crumbling towers and ancient temples, carved from large rock formations. From a distance they looked like mountains but she knew they were not. One of the structures stood out prominently, located at the centre of the city. It had been the main temple of the Western lands, she recalled. She figured to pay a visit later on.

The alley trickled down into larger roads, connecting deeper and deeper into the city of Kurast. She noticed that the gravel trail disappeared, replaced by crude, cobbled pavement. The buildings seemed to be getting larger, though they did not match the buildings in the city core as she remembered. Most of the houses she came across looked solid, but were decaying with age. Being at the edge of the sea, the city was notorious for its continual rain. Thus, everything in Kurast looked soaked; it did not matter where, for the water had settled right into the foundations. As if to complement the rotten smell of the buildings, moss and mud were caked everywhere. Although the main roads were paved, they too were treacherously muddy, and interspaced with swamp weeds.

She quickly cut across the centre of the city, passing the runic monolith seen before. She came to the docks, the side of Kurast stretching along the seacoast. Now the pavement turned to wooden boarding, the house and shops diminished in size, and the battered fleet of Kurast lined the horizon, anchored against the harbour. One part of the docks district looked especially decayed and abandoned, a long winding back road, wedged between rows of huts, long fallen into disuse. It was there the woman was heading.



It was growing late, the last hours of daylight gone, but the streets were not completely abandoned. A few stalls, accompanied by carts and tents popped up, and marketers catered their wares, though remaining quiet in her presence. A pungent smell of fish filled her nostrils. A smile crept across her face, as childhood memories surfaced in her mind. The cautious woman chose an old man who stood by his shop, isolated in a corner of the road. She quietly walked up to him, examining the man's goods on display. One of them caught her fancy, and she pointed to the fish, waiting for the vender's response. After receiving her coins, the man handed her the purchased salmon, stuffed in a small basket.

"Business is not what it used to be," the old man ventured. "Even at this time of day." The woman squinted back at him, deciding whether or not to answer. The elderly man, cloaked and hooded in brown, chuckled softly. She stared at him for a few moments, trying to discern the man's nature. The aged man stood with a straight posture and prickly grey beard. He had once been a soldier, she estimated, and yet he carried no weapons. Silencing her own inhibitions, she decided to respond.

"Old man, have you lived here long," she inquired softly to the vendor.

"I have lived in this city for as far as I can remember. I have seen it grow and fade with time. You are a visitor, yes," the man questioned.

"I am. I have not been to this town since I was a child. I hardly recognize it anymore."

"Then your parents must have left this city before the outbreak," she heard the old man mutter. "But you are still young," he continued, raising his voice gently. "What is your name?"

"I am Lilith," she said, after a slight pause. The name she had given was fake, but one that she had grown attached to, becoming her alias. Indeed, her real name had fallen to disuse. The old fisherman of course, did not take notice.

"And I am Ryo," the elder said with a small smile. "I'm sorry. It has been so long since I've seen an outsider. You don't seem to be one who introduces herself very often."

"And you seem to be perceptive," she replied cautiously. "Tell me, what do you make of this city?"

"You wish to know about Kurast---" came his reply. "but that is a long tale."

"I am actually looking for someone," she revealed. "An old resident of this city. Your insight could be helpful." She encouraged him with a tight smile.

"If this person is a Kurastian, then he indeed may still be here," Ryo said, reflecting. Very well, let me begin," he continued, scratching his beard.


"I will tell you something of what I remember. I am a citizen of this city, and have been a fisherman for most of my life. I do not tell you this with pride, though at one time I would have. I can recall when fishing here was plentiful, and one could live off a good catch for a week. Times have changed, though. That was when the docks were new, but now they are rotten. These rotting docks and ancient buildings have always been a stiff reminder to me of the city's deep and dark history, one that I can't seem to forget or escape from. You see, Kurast was always deteriorating, even during its time of splendor.

There were symptoms first displayed by a westward city, Lut Gholein. I suppose that you are too young to have seen the place, for it is another ancient city across the sea. Lut Gholein was also a port town, our trade-link to the far west. Trade between the two cities had always been prosperous, trading spice, silk, and supplies. There was a huge fish market, which both cities thrived off of. But trade began to slow down and after a time the trade routes were shut down and abandoned. Our city could survive independently, but it was a large blow to the market, and some of the merchants suspected foul play. Time went by without communication, and Kurast grew worried about her business partner. We decided to investigate, and sent sailing vessels across the abandoned trade routes. I can still remember those days, vaguely. The seas were cold and calm and reeked of dead fish. The winds were blustery, flailing ships around in different directions.

We waited for news of their arrival, but one by one, our scouts failed. They were either turned back, or were never heard from again. Word spread that conditions had become too dangerous to reach Lut Gholein. Indeed, the climate out at sea was chaotic. Storms and gusts of wind billowed across the waters, yet it was deceptively calm along the coast. Our community was in dismay, because never before had conditions been unbearable for our sailors. We had been able to survive through centuries of monsoonal storms, but this weather was radically different, and more ominous. Of all the ships that were sent out, only one returned. It was a tough, tattered vessel, similar to the crew that manned it. And by all accounts, they had left apart of them at sea along the way.

Rumors quickly spread of the fall of Lut Gholein. It could not have been helped, for its downfall was already suspected, and whispers carried in the salty sea breeze. The sailors had found the Lut Gholein docks abandoned, its great fleet ruined on the sandy shores. They had broken into the city, slipping through crumbling walls and abandoned posts, and there were no people to greet them. The city was eerily quiet; the palace was locked and barricaded and the leaders of the city were not to be found. Disheartened and more than just spooked, the sailors of Kurast quickly returned to their ship and made the return voyage.

Soon after, there were attacks on Kurast itself. Demon attacks were growing more common, but our city had been largely left alone. There were minor skirmishes near the border. Perhaps they were nothing to be concerned of, but paranoia had already struck our people. At that time, Kurast was ruled by a group called the Zakarum, a theocracy that governed through the temples. The Zakarum were noble but strict rulers, and were quick to lock the city down. Interestingly enough, they had allied themselves with mages, who sealed the city by magic. I can guess that you felt the same form of magic entering the border. But this only caused the citizens to panic, and many left soon after. The people remaining were loyal but in effect, prisoners in their own homes. Naturally, the population dwindled, and the city began to decay even more. Over the years, we Kurastians have stayed and focused on one thing, self-preservation. With the aid of magi, the city is supernaturally protected, and our enemies could not make an invasion into the land of Kurast. But there are also those of us who cannot leave."


"I apologize if it's an anticlimactic story," the old man frowned. "but that is how I remember things."

"It is strange though," the young woman remarked once he had finished. "What of the attackers?"

"I do not know, to be honest. Kurast has its share of enemies, as do the Zakarum. Whether they were demon or rival forces, time has obscured the tale."

"Then what became of the other city," she questioned.

"Lut Gholein? I hear that it still stands today, so I hardly know," Ryo replied slowly. "What happened there remains a mystery to all of us. It has been a long time since I've set foot past the city borders, much less sailed upon the Twin Seas. I will tell you that there are many rumors that circulate. I remember when I was young, an old sage in Kurast used to stay in the temples. He was of the old religion, the ancient race that had built those temples even before the Zakarum. His kind had been destroyed in one of the crusades. He once said that the Western city Lut Gholein had been invaded, that for the city's great immorality a demon now controlled it. He said that the same would happen to Kurast, and that we must be careful, lest our city fall to the same curse."

"But surely you are not still a prisoner of this city?"

"No. The city was under strict lockdown only for a period of time. Now the guards will let people through, though with due caution. I am too old to travel anymore, however. I have a home here without adventuring."

She shrugged, slightly disappointed at the man's answers. "Perhaps it is better that way," she said. "There is not much worth to risk traveling for."

"Aye. I am not unhappy to be where I am," he said lightly. "There is nothing like the open sea and a comfortable home with which to watch it by. But in any case, I must be boring you now."

"Not at all," she replied graciously. "but I must be leaving soon."

"I understand. Oh, before you leave, Miss Lilith," interrupted Ryo. "Who was the person you were looking for?"

"Nobody," she responded, eyes narrowing.

"Or," she corrected herself. "an old acquaintance from a long time ago. I do not know if he still lives here."

"Then I wish you luck on you search," came his good-natured reply. "I advise you to look carefully," the old fisherman added. "I have seen many years and my story is an old one. It's strange that I am telling you this, when I haven't spoke to anyone of it before. I know that old people and old cities do not change, and when they corrupt, they stay that way, tainted forever. For someone so young, I feel that this old monstrous city might swallow you. Ah, forget it then," finished his absent-minded reply. "Come back again later. The fish will be better next season."

"Thank you for your help," she said, turning away. "You need not worry about me. I am not staying for long, but I will heed your advice. I will remember
your tale."

[MrProphet]

pretty good. give us more?

[chi987]

Leaving the market, the woman journeyed farther down the docks, now carrying the basket of fish. It had grown quite dark by now, and the marketers had begun to close their shops. The docks became quiet, save the occasional person and the ever-present sound of the tide, swishing in the background. The dark lady known as Lilith continued her walk through each section of the docks. As the hour had waned, she could find less people on the streets.

"It is probably curfew time," she thought to herself, and edged closer to the seaside. The woman's cloak and cotton tunic melded silently with her movements, and her soft shoes muffled the clacking sound of her footsteps. At nighttime she became more alert than ever, in perfect readiness for anything. The darkness would not detriment her search.

But she heard no signs of people coming her way, or of men on the streets. To continue her search, she decided to look for a place to stay, where people were still lingering into the late hours. At last she came to a building with a dimly lit lantern at the front. A wooden sign creaked, reading The Dark Star Inn. The woman grabbed the door handle and swung the heavy door open, entering swiftly. Automatically, she slipped to the back corner of the room and sat at a small booth, hearing the creak of wooden chairs and the door closing loudly behind her. She glared about the room slowly, getting a bearing of her surroundings. The inn was comprised of a large square room. Oil lamps burning against the walls lit up some of the empty glasses abandoned at the tables. A few of the other patrons were sitting outside, talking amongst each other and sipping from large frosty mugs. Their shadows danced around the room, flickering in the firelight.


She did not feel welcome in the place. Many took notice of the woman's abrupt entrance, and some of the patrons glanced over her way, studying the newcomer carefully. She could sense a couple of men a few tables away talking to each other in hushed tones. As well, she could see them all perfectly, even in the dim flickering lantern light. The mysterious woman did not blame them for their suspicions, for she knew what an undesirable among taverns was; a stranger, more precisely, someone who was unpredictable. But if she made no movements toward her weapons, neither would they. She considered leaving, but rejected the idea, deciding to find out what she could from these people.

Growing disinterested with the quiet woman, most of the tavern patrons continued their normal affairs. Soon, the men returned to their own drinks as the waitress slowly made her way around each of the tables, balancing a tray full of drinks at her side. She was tanned and very skinny. Her long brown hair flailed about wildly as she walked, accompanied with a cheerful smile that seemed to keep the patrons, even the dark lady herself to an extent, entralled by her. Finally, the waitress reached the woman's corner and approached her.

"Hello," the brown-haired lady called across the young woman's dark corner. "My name is Mika. Would you like anything to drink?"

"Yes," came her response. "I will have wine, please."

"Of course," was Mika's cheerful reply. "I will bring you a meal as well, though it seems that you have food already."

"What---" the woman said defensively, before realizing the fish she had bought was sitting on the table.

The waitress snickered. "Though it is against policy, I'll let you keep it. A local catch, huh?"

"Yes," she stammered. "Sorry. Is there a room for the night?"

"Certainly," affirmed Mika. "This town doesn't get as many visitors as we used to. In fact, I'm surprised to see someone my age in this place. We haven't been at capacity for a while, ever since the city gates were tightened down. Still, we get a fair share of customers. Anyway, I'll be sure to get you a nice room."

"Thank you," she said, grateful of the waitress' help.

"You can trust me. We look the same age; we could even be relatives," continued Mika jokingly.

"Perhaps," the lady half-heartedly agreed, cracking a small smile but instantly letting it fade away.

"...But your hair is different than mine. You have such straight black hair. I wonder if I should color mine," Mika said absent-mindedly, glancing behind her. The dark lady also shot a glance in the same direction, taking note of the people still talking.

"Anyway," said Mika, "I better go tend to the other customers. Wait here and I'll get you your meal." She nodded, and let the waitress walk away. The young woman felt somewhat relieved to have the light conversation with the serving girl, but also grew suspicious of her.

"No matter," came her thoughts. "I should talk with some of the locals to find the person whom I seek."


The woman shifted her attention again to the other people, for their particular group had still not left the tavern. With the girl Mika gone, their voices registered louder in her head, and she swore she could hear them speaking of her again. She caught one of them, a large angular man glaring at her with hollow dark brown eyes, and she shifted her own eyes to avoid him, meanwhile caressing the blades hidden within her long cloak sleeves. She tried not to stare but then the man caught her attention again, standing up from his chair, leaving his mug on the table. She eyed the sword dangling from his waist and the dagger embedded in his boot. Under the table she readied her own weapons, tucked within her sleeves, which would retract and strike in one motion. The tall man walked steadily towards her table, his boots stomping across the wooden floor. At length she decided to let him speak, not wanting to draw the attention of the tavern.

"You there," the man growled, "what is your business here?"

"Who are you," she shot back. "What do you want from me?"

"Nothing," the tall man said, arching his angular features into a deeper frown. "Tell me, what you are doing here in this place?"

"I am only having a drink," the young woman replied, anger growing. "How do you know me, sir?"

"The name's Siraj," the man answered, stroking his goatee. "I'm captain of the guard for the docks district. I've seen your kind here before, and I don't want any trouble from you." His frown faded, and his tone grew more calm and serious.

"My kind," she mimicked, wondering what secrets the man Siraj knew. "What do you know of my kind?" Siraj grunted with a weak laugh.

"You may think yourself to be very evasive, but it's clear as day what you are--- one of those royal assassins sent by the magi." The young woman raised her eyebrows, but made no attempt to deny his claim.

"Really," she said, her interest in the man growing dangerously. "Tell me, how do you know such things?"

"Right now I would be asking for your diplomatic pass, but I fail to see the point anymore," he explained roughly. "In Kurast, it is common knowledge. I've seen my share of adventurers pass by, but everyone knows that there are only two real groups left in this godforsaken city, other than its original inhabitants," the captain added quickly. "They are the mages and mageslayers, ironically working together. Now, I don't see you as one of the temple worshippers," said Siraj almost jokingly, "so you must be one of the latter."

"Sir," she countered, posturing up to meet his stare, "overconfident captain of the guard, there are things that even you should not talk about, or spread rumors of," she continued, diverting her own gaze to his companions.

"As I've said," countered Siraj, unphased, "I have met your kind before. Invariably you find your way into the city without the border patrol's knowledge, and make your way to this or a dozen other shady taverns. Then, as my men try and round you up, you disappear into the jungle and we come back to find the next lot. I am growing quite tired of this routine."

"You are here to arrest me then," the dark lady stated.

"No," was Siraj's surprising answer. "I know what folly that would be. I'm only here to do my job, the worst job in all of Kurast."

"What do you need of me," she insisted.

"I need nothing from you. I am simply here on request of that woman Natalie to bring any foreigners to her."

She paused, thinking of someone she knew named Natalie.

"Take me to her," the woman said, finally agreeing.

"I would gladly, but I do not know where she is. Natalie is always moving around, changing locations. It is a bother, and I don't look forward to seeing her again either. The hostess Mika will take you. She is another crafty one," he commented.

"My job here is done then," he added, turning away. "I will get the waitress back here to guide you. Stay where you are."

She nodded slightly and let Siraj leave the table. The captain's men joined him, heading towards the door, with empty mugs and sheathed swords clanking against the table. She waited for Mika to return.

"That man--- I do not trust him, but his information is correct," she thought, remembering the captain's words. The two groups he had mentioned, the mageslayers and the mages, had a large presence in the city of Kurast, but both were secretive organizations that did not allow their existence to be known. She began to brood over the power of his information. After all, she was as he said--- a mageslayer.


The waitress Mika came back with a different look on her face. She seemed more serious than before, and what once looked like a youthful visage appeared to be more wizened with age. The woman waiting for her could not help but stare as she approached, wondering if it weren't a trick of the shadows. She blinked and the waitress's complexion was restored once again, revealing no cracks or calluses. "Am I seeing things," she wondered to herself. "No, my mind is sharp. There is something strange about this girl; I must be cautious around her." Ignoring the other patrons, Mika did her best to walk over to the tavern corner swiftly. When some of the men noticed this, they began to grumble, but eventually fell silent.

"I am sorry," she announced, turning back towards the other customers. "I have business to attend to. Please ask the manager if you need something."

"It is time for me to leave," the dark lady commented in response, annoyed at Mika's announcement.

Getting up, the visitor looked at Mika, indicating that she going. The waitress followed behind her hurriedly and together they exited the tavern, much to the quiet woman's relief. Mika smiled at her, unphased.

"I'm sorry that this place is not to your liking," she added quickly, "but now I will take you to Natalie."

"Do you know who she is," the woman asked suspiciously.

"Yes, of course," Mika replied happily. "She is always hiding somewhere, but I know where she is. Natalie told me how to find her."

Judging her words to be true, the mageslayer followed as Mika led her northward down the street. As they walked, the young woman relapsed to her observant mode, whereas the former waitress Mika became more talkative.

"You are not the only one who has come to me," she proclaimed excitedly. "...I mean, the tavern; pardon me."

"Do you know these people," the lady replied, brushing off her apology.

"No, I do not, but they were also looking for Natalie. You see, she let me be her secretary of sort," explained Mika proudly. "Whenever there is a visitor to the city, I take them to her. I'm the only one who knows where to find her. The others--- not all of them wanted to follow me, but I knew you were different," she sounded approvingly.

"It would be difficult for me to find her by myself," Lilith argued weakly. Having left the stuffy tavern, the confrontation with the guard, and returning back to the cool atmosphere of the night, her spirits were raised, and the previous feelings of annoyance were slowly dying away. She hastily decided the waitress girl was not as much of a threat, inwardly chastising herself for being too paranoid, as she often was. "I will not be staying with you long," she concluded. It was hard for her to brush away such a happy and innocent person, and she decided to play along with the waitress' games, for now.


The cautious visitor Lilith felt a tug as the whimsical waitress Mika grabbed her hand and led her down the streets. "Come," the latter chattered, like a child to her newest playmate, "Natalie will be waiting for us, and she is very impatient." Lilith scowled once again but continued following the girl, keeping up to her pace with practiced grace. They turned the block and headed further away from the old tavern, now a faint light in the distance.

A new, uneasy feeling washed over her as Lilith followed her newfound companion. She felt tense, ready for confrontation, though her eyes saw no danger. Normally, the mageslayer was comfortable with following, but with Mika guiding, her senses began to say something different.

"Listen," she said irritably, "do not run so fast. We are in no hurry and the city is dangerous at night."

"You have no enemies here," reassured the waitress, "but you are right. Better to err on the side of caution, as they say." Her voice grew calm, and already she had become more serious, as before.

"We shall travel to the north end of the docks district," informed Mika, "and we come not entirely unexpected. This is Natalie's orders."

"You may be at ease; follow me without troubles, warrior." she finished, with a completely different tone from before. Lilith picked up her change in sentiment almost immediately, but was expecting such a change.

"I understand," replied the dark lady almost laughing. "So you really do work for this woman Natalie."

"Yes," Mika said, cracking a smile embarrassingly and instantly reverting to her playful mood from before. "I'm sorry. Natalie told me to be more formal. I hope you understand."

"I do," affirmed Lilith thoughtfully. "You must know what we are. Natalie is one of my kind and we must follow procedure. But you are different, no?"

"You mean if I am one of the mageslayers," Mika asked sheepishly. "Heavens, no. I apologize if I insulted you," she added quickly. "Natalie told me never to refer to her group by name. She said you would be angry."

"I am alright," soothed Lilith. "I could tell that you already knew. There is no harm in that. But now," she added silkily, "you must tell me about yourself, so that we may get to know each other better."

"Of course," exclaimed Mika. "There has been something I've been wanting to tell you about, but it is a secret of mine. You must promise not to tell anyone."

"I promise," confirmed Lilith, now interested. "I will keep your secret," she swore, and inwardly determined herself to keep her word.

"I don't know how to explain it," the young woman explicated, instantly turning to her sombre tone, "but I am a magic-user. In Kurast, our people are called sorceresses."


"Is that so," Lilith reacted. "I could sense that there was something special about you, but I would have never guessed."

"Well," explained Mika, now red-faced, "I did not want to alarm you and I am not very powerful."

"No, thank you for trusting me," said Lilith genuinely. "Does anyone else know about this secret," the dark lady asked sharply.

"No, of course not," eased Mika, the young sorceress. "Except Natalie," she amended. "She was the one who discovered my secret."

"Very well," said the dark lady, frowning, "I confess that I have never seen a magic-user before, much less from a female caste. Your powers are very rare and special. You must be very careful who learns of this, and keep your practice in secret."

"Certainly," agreed Mika, still embarrassed. "I will follow your advice. I know that we have only just met, but how can I put this... I feel bonded with you already. Natalie told me that mageslayers and sorceresses were in a similar situation. Perhaps you can help me further."

"She is right," began Lilith with some thought. "Let me tell you that I have been scrutizing you since my visit into your tavern. I have been sensing your intentions, and I do feel that they are honorable. I would like to make some allies during my stay in Kurast. You and I will be friends," she expanded briefly, "and maybe we will be of use to each other in the future."

"Thank you," said Mika happily, and clasped her hand.

"I will tell you now that our friendship may not last," the dark lady could not help but add in. "You must learn that when you are dealing with our group, the mageslayers, you must be ready for betrayal. If you do not do it to us, then we shall do it to you."

"I will keep that in mind," her companion commented, a little spooked.

"I am sorry," began Lilith in a consoling tone, "but that is the way things are. You yourself should be more careful around people, including people like Natalie and I."


With that the conversation died out, and the newfound companions continued their journey through the streets of the city. The mageslayer resumed her focus on the surrounding buildings, staying silent and observant. By now it was dark throughout, and most of the city lights had been put out. The docks transitioned into a smaller commercial subsection, and the dark lady warily watched over the new buildings cropping up. Each and every one of them were similar, yet she could tell them apart by their decor. On the front of some the buildings hung wreaths, while others remained bare, and some were religious in nature. The one that Natalie stayed in would no doubt be inconspicuous as well as a temporary location, but she made an effort to memorize the path taken anyway.

Listening carefully and using her peripheral vision, the cautious woman tried to discern if any of the villagers were still moving about. As they neared closer to the buildings, she could better see the dimmed lights through the windows. Hearkening to the background sounds carefully, she listened for sounds other than her own quiet footsteps. Mika caught on to her, noticing her companion acting very strangely and almost forgetting of her existence.

"Natalie is not here. She is at the end of the street," Mika explained. "Or is it someone else you are looking for?" Lilith did not reply, only shook her head.

"Suit yourself then. I'm sorry," Mika stated, realizing that she was disturbing her partner. "I've never met anyone so concerned or paranoid about their surroundings. You are an interesting person," she complimented.

"Mika," Lilith heard herself lecture, "it is always important to know your whereabouts. For you, this is your home that you know well, but for me, it is foreign."

"Then are you from a faraway place?"

"I am from the northeast. I have been to your country before, but on rare occasion. I would like to get to know this place better."

"Then I will not disturb you. But let me ask you something," the ever inquisitive sorceress began to say, as she slowed her pace to a brisk walk. "Why haven't our people ever sided together? I mean, why can't the mageslayers partner with the magic-users?"

"It is not so simple," Lilith said thoughtfully. "We were formed to hunt those that use corrupted magics but have felt no need to employ magic ourselves. I think that is a mistake that many of us have made. But you are so young to be a sorceress," Lilith remarked lightly. "You should not worry about such things."

"True," her companion laughed, delighted at the sombre woman's raised spirits, "but I am not as young as you think. You yourself are young to be an assassin." The dark lady did not reply, but knew the wily sorceress was correct. Lilith was one of the few that had grown up in a hidden village. Her training within the group of mageslayers had begun since her childhood.

"You must've grown up as one, as I have," Mika continued as if reading her thoughts. "If only we were sisters."

They continued their walk through the city as Lilith patiently waited for Mika to reveal the way. Finally Mika stopped at one of the buildings and motioned for Lilith to follow her inside.

"This is where Natalie is staying."

"Thank you for bringing me here," Lilith responded.

As they entered dark room, Lilith invoked her memories of the elder mageslayer she was to meet. For her, the elder had gone by a different name, Natalya.

[MrProphet]

very nice. obviously you're getting into the conspicuous mage-slayer in Kurast Docks. I like it :grin:

[aishilee]

wao. nice work there..

i cant wait for the next update. ! thanks!

[chi987]

Thanks for the encouragement. I'll try and get the next part up faster this time :)

[chi987]

Sorry for the long delay for this section. It seems I'm busy again so I can't guarantee I'll be writing again soon. The pdf is now here (http://chi.info.tm/)

[chi987]

Memories of Natalya the assassin flooded her thoughts. Natalya was a commander in the eastern regions, and a very cunning leader. Lilith had once been a student of hers, but they had parted ways once her training was completed. The young mageslayer did not have fond memories of her teacher, nor did she have bitter ones, as their social interactions were rare. After staying in her own village, Lilith had all but forgotten of Natalya. Now finding herself in her former teacher's domain, the southeastern lands of Kehjistan, they would meet again.

The assassin and the sorceress came to an unmarked, unlocked door of a tall old building. It was what appeared to be a hotel, with a back-door to the alley. All of the windows were boarded up crudely, and the doors were firmly locked. Mika produced a small key, and they entered inside. Down a narrow hallway with dozens of locked rooms, they came to a stairway leading to the basement. The basement was large, much larger than the upper rooms. She suspected that this part of the building had been added on much later than the rest, possibly leading to a network of underground tunnels.

The basement had once been a private room. She could tell from its traditional design and homely accommodations. A large hearth lay in front of them, and it was flanked by two doors. A small fire was burning in the fireplace, and there were a mass of embers glowing at its base. It had almost died out, but served to provide the room with its only light. The dark lady winced at the change in illumination, having adjusted to the complete darkness of the pitch black night. Her partner did not seem to notice.

"Have you been in this place before," the assassin inquired of Mika.

"No, this is Natalie's new location," Mika replied.

"Then we must go no further," advised the cautious woman. "I am wary of our new surroundings, and this place may be trapped."

"You are right. Natalie has always made me wait for her. There is normally a secret way of entering her room. She is always secretive about things."

The dark lady nodded. "Then we must wait."

They stood in the small room, warming their hands against the dying fire. Time passed, and the observant woman began to hear very faint footsteps and the muffled clink of armor. The door to the left of clicked and opened slowly, making no sudden movements, but causing the warrior's heart to race all the same. A presence came out from the shadowy doorway. As the figure stepped in the dimly lit room, it became more and more the features of the familiar Natalya, dressed in her full battle armour, no less. The dark lady smirked, remembering an old rumor that the famed assassin never took it off.

Natalya was tall and lithe. She wore a dark black tunic, covered with flexible metal plates. Her old war-helm was missing; she instead wore a small circlet. A blood red cape seemed to float silently around her. Her fingers poked out of the tunic sleeves like spikes, and they glinted in the firelight.

The dark lady peered closer, and realized that Natalya came with her weapons by her side. She was wearing her two claws, as was the traditional mageslayer approach. On her left was a long black katar, with pointy blades protruding in all directions, giving it the strange resemblance of a scissors. Despite its jagged appearance, her left hand seemed hidden and silent, and the dark lady almost had to concentrate notice it. Her right hand was the diametric opposite, moving in sounding fury. The weapon on her right side was a three-pronged claw, extremely thin and sharp. It was bright and vibrant, known as the famed Bartuc's Cutthroat, fashioned by the sorcerer Horazon. For the younger assassin, Natalya's weapons were legendary, and she could not help but be enthralled by them. It did not take Natalya long to notice her guest's staring gaze. She cleared her throat in impatient disgust.

"Hello, Natalie," Mika said cheerfully.

"Good evening, Natalya," began Lilith's response.

The dark figure stared back at her and said, "Welcome, comrades."

Natalya looked keenly at her two visitors and remarked in a hushed tone, "I am glad you two were able to reach this place." She stared intently at her fellow mageslayer. "Just moments before, I met with the guard captain and his patrol, so you have not come entirely unexpected."

The dark lady stirred at the remark and returned the icy glare of the veteran.

"We have much to discuss," Natalya finished quickly, "and we shall begin immediately."

"There is however, one small detail," she added, turning to the sorceress. "I am afraid that you, Mika, will be unable to join us," Natalya explained somewhat apologetically.

"I understand," responded Mika.

"I thank you for leading our visitor thus far, and I'm sorry that our own meeting shall be cut short. You may stay in this place; I have a room for you, but you may prefer to return home instead."

"Well then," pondered the girl Mika, "perhaps I will go back to the tavern. There are still some things that I have to attend to."

With that she headed towards the doorway and turning back towards the two assassins one last time commented, "I will be going now. I hope you will come to the inn again soon, Lilith. Now that we've become sisters, I will help you with whatever you need." She received no reply; the other two women seemed enwrapped with each other, having forgotten about the young sorceress as she departed.


Through the door from which she came, Natalya led her visitor to another room down the corridor. It was a medium sized room, poorly lit by candlelight and furnished with nothing but large shelves lining the walls and a square table at the centre. Barely visible were worn books and rusted armour stacked upon the shelves. At the far side from the door, a few old weapons lay shining in the candlelight.

Natalya motioned to the dark lady to make herself comfortable. As they sat, she knew already the line of questioning Natalya would throw at her. Though they had not maintained contact, Natalya was still the leader of Kehjistan, and the younger warrior would have to report to her.

"Comrade, I do not recall you traveling to Kurast very frequently."

Natalya was of course right. This being the younger warrior's first visit to the city since her childhood, it no doubt left suspicions on her mind. Natalya was known to be meticulous with her own records, and also possessed excellent memory.

"I see that you've made allies with the young sorceress," Natalya remarked observantly. "You two make an interesting combination, Lilith. Perhaps you and her have much in common. That is what I sensed when I first saw her."

"If she works for you, then she must be talented," Lilith half-complimented. "But I have been humoring her for her own sake. I do not plan to meet with her again."

"That is quite unfortunate," said her old teacher admonishingly. "You could learn from Mika, and vice-versa. Though she is naïve, she is smart, and not to be fooled with. No doubt that the young sorceress has already revealed to you her secret, but there is more to her than just that."

"Duly noted," said the dark lady with finality.

"Why have you come," Natalya asked, quickly changing the subject to the point.

"Master," Lilith addressed her, "I have come to fight against the corruption of Kurast. I come from the village of Mukden."

"Is that true," Natalya said critically. "You have not left the village since your training. You still have much to learn about the world."

"Yes, it's true," Lilith replied falteringly. "I chose not to leave the village immediately as the others had, but now I am ready."

"And so I wonder why you come now."

"I have heard that great evil stirs in the swamplands, and that the long-abandoned ruins of Zakarum have been desecrated."

"The ruins of Zakarum," began her old mentor, markedly disappointed. "Do you mean the old temple cities that mark this land? What do you know of desecration? Before the Zakarum, they were pagan, and those cities were abandoned long before our time."

Natalya shook her head and flexed her fingers. Her right claw twinkled. The dark lady snared at her silently.

"I am here to deliver news from the north."

"Indeed," Natalya commented, "I have seen other visitors before you. They were quick to leave this place, heading towards the swamplands, and I was unable to learn of their purposes."

"The scouts first wanted to confirm their findings at Stromgradt."

"Is that true," Natalya said suspiciously for the second time. "I am from that place, yet they do not come to speak with me. Continue."

"My apologies on their behalf. I was only told of these events recently. Rather, I overheard of them," Lilith added, knowing her astute teacher would catch on.

"There has been a large group of magic-users in the area of Kurast," the dark lady began.

"There has always been," interrupted Natalya, "in all the history of this city."

"This is perhaps different," the young pupil suggested darkly. "Stromgradt sensed a collection of magic emanating from the abandoned temple cities. This magic, something they had not seen recently, was Vizjeri in nature."

"The corrupted group of magic-users," Natalya filled in, "long exterminated by our ancestors."

"So it would seem. The scouts have been investigating the Vizjeri presence in Kehjistan. What they found were demonoids, perverting the old ancient shrines. Demons are spawning out of the temples disguised as clerics. There is a demonic cult being formed in the jungles, lead by a council of 'Dark Vizjeri'. After the scouts returned, Stromgradt was to send an assault force to aid you and destroy the council."

"Some valuable information," Natalya mused. "I had not known that the dark mages had returned, but I suspected that something was amiss. A reincarnation that you described cannot be easily done. It requires the intervention of one of the Prime Evils, which is why I am skeptical. If what you speak of is true, then it is grave news indeed."

"I have reason to believe it," answered the dark lady.

"As do I. Our scouts are very precise with their work. This only means more trouble for Kurast in the future," Natalya said, sighing. "I have been busy with too many things. I travelled northwest for some time before you came, and I must return there soon. I must speak to Ormus of such things, but I do not trust him with these matters. I would not be surprised if his mages had sensed their presence before us."

Natalya smirked, and continued.

"Things do not change. The upper ranks and the elite mages cannot be trusted, and in the end, it will be us who will have to deal with this. I doubt that this newly-awakened council is our greatest concern right now, but it will grow dangerous if left untouched."

"I am here to aid you," said Lilith supportively. "I will be fighting the dark mages in Kehjistan alongside my comrades."

Her teacher snared at her. "I wonder of your real motives for being here. I am no fool, and I know you well. You have always been among the most cunning of my students, and you have never been quick to accept any missions, unless there were gains to be made."

"You remind me of myself," she muttered to herself silently.

"You know that I am loyal," retorted the dark lady.

"Of course, comrade," came the elder woman's reply. "You are of the highest reputation. The daughter of revolutionary martyrs and among the few chosen to be my students. I have great confidence in you."

"But," said Lilith quickly, now analyzing her own teacher, "you do not trust me."

"Trust is not easily won," retorted Natalya, a sharp smile creeping onto her face, "easy to misplace, and hard to lose."

"We do have a lot to gain and a lot to lose from all of this," explained the dark lady. "Perhaps with the destruction of the council, Kurast will be liberated..."

"I hope you are not foolish enough to believe that," Natalya cut in. "To destroy an uprising of mages is one thing, but what is afflicting this fair city are powers beyond our control. It is a global problem that we are facing..."

"Of class struggle," Lilith finished for her. "Heaven and earth versus hell, as you have told me before. You are right," the young mageslayer agreed, changing her tone, "but there is more."

"Stromgradt sent scouts to all towns, and from a village, nearby Kurast, they found the demons heading north. The leader was a demon of noticeable power. The one had blood red skin and deep sears along its neck."

"Bartuc!" Natalya exclaimed. Her right hand came down sharply, buffeting against the table, splintering the wood with a cracking sound.

The dark lady stood up eagerly from the shattered table, having caught her master's attention. Natalya's features noticeably brightened or darkened, she rightly could not tell. She noticed her fingers sparkle, and could not help but stare.

"You bring many dark tidings, but we must focus on one issue first. Perhaps you are searching for something more within this demon council than you have already betrayed. I can already see it in your eyes," Natalya said gravely, glaring fiercely at the assassin, "one of the legendary weapons rumored lost in the downfall of the Vizjeri. You will not find anything within those ruins."

"This is all but preliminary news," the dark lady simply replied, "that I will investigate."

"Very well. I permit you to travel freely through my jurisdiction, but tell me of your findings. You will be alloted soldiers' wages and the guards will be informed of your passage. I expect more soldiers from Stromgradt if your information is correct."

"Thank you, master. And now I will take my leave."

"Do not take on the demons by yourself," Natalya warned. "Once things have been confirmed, I will deal with them."

The leader dismissed the assassin without reluctance, and she turned to leave. The dark lady had baited Natalya, who had taken the hook so far. No doubt Natalya had her own plans, but she would be free of her reach for now. The city would be at her disposal.

"I suppose you will visit your other teacher, the necromancer," called Natalya over her shoulder, and causing the dark lady to look back slightly. "I advise you not to. I no longer trust him," she added, but the dark lady had stopped listening.

[RevenantsKnight]

I apologize for my brevity here, but I'm not really back like I used to be.

From all that you've posted so far, I think this looks like a good rework. The characterization is probably the strongest point here, at least according to me; I like how you've paired Mika and Lillith's very different personalities and let them play off of each other, and both have been set up and described well. The dialogue is solid, and though I've mentioned a few personal disagreements regarding the setting and such in your previous draft, I think it works all right here and comes out in pretty good detail. The grammar and other mechanics, while not perfect, are also noticeably more polished, so this read more smoothly overall.

The biggest issue I see is that the narration is very fact-focused and wordy, which slows the story down quite a bit. While it does get a lot of information across, it may try the reader's patience to sift through so much, and there is a slight tendency towards parts that are repetitive or that don't really add much. I'm guessing that you've thought up this story world in quite a lot of detail, more so than what appears here, and that this is you trying to get as much of it across to the reader as possible. If that's the case, though, it's the unfortunate truth that you can easily drown a story in world detail, unless that world detail is supposed to be as much of the focus as the story is (see The Lord of the Rings and some works of Arthur C. Clarke, for example.) While that's really, really cool if you can pull it off, it is also ridiculously hard to do, and particularly so in fan fiction where part of the world is old ground for the reader.

Having dealt with this problem myself, I'd suggest stopping after you write a sentence (or paragraph, page, or whatever cutoff you like,) and rereading the narration. Look at each clause or other definable chunk, and figure out what that describes. Then, once you have that, see how many of those chunks overlap in what they say, and how many of them say things that are neat but have no bearing on the story. Those bits are good places to start editing down. You may want to go over what you have already in this manner, too. It's probably going to be no fun, but it is effective as far as I've seen, and if you internalize this process a little bit, it gets a lot easier.

If I somehow manage to find the time, I may try to touch on some more specific things. Thanks for posting!