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Arokthis
02-01-2008, 22:36
I posted this story here some time ago, though it was only the middle section at the time. In my head I kind of see this more as a description of a film than as (the begining of) a story. Trying to see it as a story means I don't really like the first section as it is because it rambles quite a bit. (Not much of a surprise; I ramble a bit when I talk.) Any suggestions on how to fix it would be greatly appreciated.

The name of the main character is a play on words combining my online self and my real-life name. Those who ask for more information will be beaten to death with an anchovy pizza.




Arokthis and the Griffoness


Sitting alone at a large oak table in Vindor's Bar in the city of Telgemin, Arokthis Knoll, with an ale mug in front of him and his battle-axe against the right side of his chair, was thinking about the many battles he had fought, both won and lost. By human standards, he appeared only slightly shorter than average; being from the race of dwarves, he was actually quite tall. Standing at just over five feet tall, he virtually towered over the rest of his kind. At only seventy-five, he could still be easily mistaken for a young human, since he kept his sideburns carefully shaved and his blonde beard and mustache short, unlike most other dwarves who usually had bushels upon bushels of hair, often braided into mats that took forever to wash, and even longer to dry.

Collected into a ponytail at the back and tucked into his shirt, his waist-length blonde hair revealed his part human lineage with black streaks, a "gift" from his paternal great-grandmother. When asked about the hair, he had the following story to tell:

Over one hundred and eighty years before Arokthis was born, a swarm of flesh-eating demons descended on a village/fort and killed nearly every living thing. A middle-aged warrior/trader named Bodoro K'aleh, having celebrated his two hundredth birthday, needing to get away from the nagging of his clan over his still being unmarried, had been heading there on a combination of business and relaxation. Upon his arrival, he found nothing left but bone, stone, and charred wood.

Apparently, a few in the nursery had hidden with a number of the children in the community grain silo. Made of mortared stone and designed to stop mice, rats, birds, and insects from getting in, it sealed itself tight with a number of lodestones in the door frame which gripped an iron strip around the edge of the reed framework door, which was covered with a layer of copper. Being only the size of sparrows and having brains to match, the demons had been unable to get the door open in the two days before they were forced to leave due to their ever-present hunger.

Combining the fact that this particular group of humans had come to this area to get away from a number of nasty dragons, the nearest human settlement was over twelve days away on horseback, and the physical beauty of P'aden R'osho (the young woman had gotten the bright idea in the first place) made up Bodoro's mind; he would take the children to his clan to be fostered and adopted by the various families. Three years later, P'aden and Bodoro were married, with seven children and over half a century of wedded bliss to follow.

At the age of forty, a fight with a griffoness had given him a scar that began just above his left eyebrow, continuing across the eyelid, barely missing the eye, down his cheek and jaw, onto his collarbone and halfway down his ribs, where it terminated abruptly in a ragged patch of scar tissue. From that fight he had a preserved claw on a leather thong which he wore around his neck. His arms, covered with scars received in various battles with men, beasts, and elementals, were acting as supports for his tired head, while his strong, heavily callused, yet supple hands helped to partially muffle the loud and alcohol-sodden songs of the other patrons of the inn.

His wide, well muscled shoulders, usually held proudly back, drooped under the resin-coated leather armor as he stared at the claw which now lay on the table, his memories taking him out of the present and into the past.

(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)

The whole episode had begun when a young human had gotten hold of his father's magical arrows, which had been received from a sorcerer as payment for a favor. The arrows were spelled to give the user, no matter how unskilled, greater accuracy and distance when firing them. Unfortunately for the griffoness, her own natural countermagic had actually worked against her, such that the arrow hit her flank instead of a vital area. Very rapidly the wound began to fester and become gangrenous, which caused great pain for the griffoness. After several farmers had been attacked by the pain-crazed animal, Arokthis was asked to euthanize her.

He knew from the outset that the mission would not be easy, mostly because he had to kill her by either breaking her neck or choking her to death. The reason for this was that no-one in the area had any fast-acting poison, and a spell might backfire too easily. His first problem was in finding her nest, so he borrowed a pair of the local warlord's riding eagles to search from the air.

When he finally found it, he saw that there were three golden eggs, which showed their nearness to hatching by a slight translucency in spots. He knew that the mother had to be away from her young during the early minutes after hatching, so she would not attack and kill them in her crazed condition. He also knew that the fight would be all the more dangerous because she would be fighting for, at least in her mind, the life of her brood as well as herself.

Having found the nest, he decided to get the eggs to the local warlord before they hatched, so as to reduce the danger both to himself and to the hatchlings. This sounded much easier than it really was, due to the fact that each egg was bigger than his head, though he did manage to do it. After sending home one of the eagles with the eggs packed carefully in a set of saddlebags brought for the purpose, he commanded the other eagle to wait under a tree a mile upwind. Then came the really hard part: killing the sick griffoness. He decided to simply wait in the nest until she returned, and have the battle there; however, she must have come from downwind, for she seemed to know he was there.

She entered the nest with a loud cry, kicking, clawing, and biting the entire way. One great swipe with a back leg gave Arokthis the wound that later became his distinctive scar. At the end of the swipe, the claw somehow seemed to snag, and took out a fist-sized chunk of flesh before disconnecting from him. The pain this caused gave him a birst of berzerker strength and further fueled his determination. After nearly an hour of jumping, ducking, dodging, blocking, and swinging his morning star to no avail, he managed to get on her back and get his hands about her windpipe, which he squeezed until it collapsed. Arokthis then retreated until she finally died of suffocation. At this point, he drew from his pocket the whistle to summon the second riding eagle. He blew a piercing note and promptly passed out. Upon arriving, the eagle saw Arokthis' condition, grabbed him and the griffon in its talons, and immediately headed for the warlord's fort.

When they arrived, the warlord's personal chichurgeon immediately began to tend to Arokthis' wounds. When he came to a few days later, his first thoughts were of the eggs. When he inquired about them, he was told two had hatched, a male and a female, and the other was not long off in releasing its prisoner. Over the chichurgeon's vehement protests, he demanded to be taken to the stable where the hatchlings and the egg were being kept. He had barely stepped into the stable when he heard what sounded like leather tearing. It took but a moment for him to realize that it was the final egg hatching. He immediately took the haunch offered him, still dripping with blood, and walked to the stall in which the emerging griffon (another male) was so he could feed it. The reason for this was to imprint himself on the hatchling as its "mother." When the hatchling had devoured nearly its own weight in meat, it grew drowsy and eventually fell asleep.

Then a disconcerting thought came to him: Who had fed the other hatchlings and how? His worries were put to rest by the stablemistress; she had lowered meat down from a hole in the roof via a hook on the end of a chain. She had made sure that no-one had been seen by the griffons, and had even taken the liberty of putting some armor belonging to Arokthis in the stall with them so they would recognize him by his smell when he came to see them.

At that point, Arokthis inquired about the state of the mother's remains. The stablemistress, knowing something of griffons, told him that the female hatchling had eaten everything but the claws, tail, beak, and some of the feathers; even the major bones had been cracked (with some help from the humans) and the marrow ingested. This news Arokthis made glad, because griffon hatchlings given the meat of their own kind as the first meal grew up to be much smarter and larger, as well as having life spans nearly thrice those of other griffons.

(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)

Arokthis was shaken out of his reverie by a bloodcurdling scream from the direction of the stables, followed by some laughter and thudding of coins on tables in the bar around him. The level of the water clock on the wall told him it was about the right time for the stablehands' shift-change. With a smile, he could pretty accurately ascertain what had happened: an unknowing young stablehand had walked in on Modurka.

As she had matured, her plumage had changed from the normal tan and golden brown of most griffons to jet black and blood red. At night, her gold colored eyes would appear to glow the same as a cat's would if seen by a person holding a torch or candle. She had a bit of a sense of humor, and would have held her head in such a way that the poor boy would have thought he was seeing a demon's face in the stall.

If not stopped by his fellow stablehands, he would run to the city's wizard screaming about monsters and end up embarrassed beyond belief when, having woken up the wizard and trying to get the city guard ready for a battle with demons, he is told that it is merely someone's mount. Arokthis frequented Telgemin and was rewarded with a repetition of the event every few weeks. Getting scared out of a year's growth in the middle of the night by Modurka had turned into a sort of "initiation" for the hostel's stable. Since half the town knew him and Modurka by sight, and most of the rest knew him by reputation, every time he showed up guaranteed that there would be a number of wagers on whether or not there would be a scream tonight, as well as on how far the unlucky newcomer got before being stopped.

Arokthis usually went to Vindor's when he came to Telgemin. His reasons were numerous: the food was plentiful and cheap, the cooks knew what they were doing so they didn't need to burn incense, the ale was good, they never tried to take his battle-axe away from him, the beds were comfortable, the roof never leaked, the serving girls were pretty, the roof never leaked, and last, but most importantly, Vindor's was as far as you could get from the wizard's house while still being inside the innermost city wall. This gave the stablehands the most amount of time to catch up to the panicked runner and explain what was going on. In the last three years, only one person had managed to wake up the wizard after their "initiation," and only two others had made it all the way to the wizard's door before being stopped by the rest of the stablehands.

tuvard
03-01-2008, 02:52
I cant read this, No space between the lines, looks like a brick to me :shocked:

The Last Melon
04-01-2008, 23:19
Sshh! Don't make him bring out the pizza!

But yes, I have to agree. I was going to comment earlier, but this is almost unreadable. If you could format it by double-spacing between paragraphs it would be much easier on the eye.

Snowglare
05-01-2008, 01:26
I copy+pasted the edited version from the other thread over top of this one and removed the other thread. Let me know if I messed anything up.

The Last Melon
05-01-2008, 03:07
Much better. When was there another thread?

Snowglare
05-01-2008, 03:42
When Arokthis made one. It only had the one post, seen above.

The Last Melon
05-01-2008, 06:07
I was going to do a very in-depth review of this piece, but I did something really bloody stupid and lost all my work about halfway through. Since I honestly don't want to go through all that trouble again (muttermuttermuttermutter) I'll just sum up some of the major points that I remember.

First of all, I rather hope that this is the beginning of a longer piece. If it's intended to be a stand-alone, then it comes at - to put it bluntly - as somewhat pointless. What you have up is almost completely exposition, which automatically makes me assume (or at least hope) that this is going to springboard into something else.

Secondly, you have a problem with the role of the narrator. A lot of times during this piece the readers are simply told what has happened, leaving them not a whole lot of room for interpretation and generally feeling as thought they've had the story dictated for them. A lot of problems that you complained about with "rambling" come from this. The best example is with the tale of Arokthis' grandfather - you leave us feeling detached from the whole tale simply through how it's told. My suggestion for that particular section would be to have Arokthis tell the story himself, either to some hypothetical questioner or to somebody that actually comes into the bar and has a conversation with him, thus providing the impetus for a plot of some sorts.

Thirdly, sentence structure is giving you some problems. You're ending up with a lot of sentences that are too long and awkwardly written; for example:

Sitting alone at a large oak table in Vindor's Bar in the city of Telgemin, Arokthis Knoll, with an ale mug in front of him and his battle-axe against the right side of his chair, was thinking about the many battles he had fought, both won and lost.

"Sitting alone at a large oak table in Vindor's Bar in the city of Telgemin, (pause) Arokthis Knoll, (pause) with an ale mug in front of him and his battle-axe against the right side of his chair, (pause) was thinking about the many battles he had fought, (pause) both won and lost."

Just by removing one word ("fought") you can make this sentence noticeably smoother and easier on the eye, not to mention the ear:

"Sitting alone at a large oak table in Vindor's Bar in the city of Telgemin with an ale mug in front of him and his battle-axe against the right side of his chair, Arokthis Knoll was thinking about the many battles he had both won and lost."

My advice to you is to try reading your sentences out loud - better yet, recite them in your head before you even put them to paper. Just by doing that you can catch an astonishing number of sentences that sound stupid or just don't make sense, thus streamlining your work and making it much easier and more pleasant to read.

As for some minor details, is "griffoness" the correct term? Personally, I would have said "female griffon," (griffin?) and just "Griffon" in the title. "Griffoness" is a term that I've never heard before.

Also, and this is something I want to bring up in case you decide to go with your current method of telling the story of Arokthis' great-grandfather, you go into way too much detail about the door that the "few in the nursery" (which is another thing...a few whats?) hide behind. If you were to tell this through Arokthis this would be bearable - intriguing, even, that this sort of detail makes its way down the generations. As it is, though, it's verbose and even a bit boring - we really don't need to know so much about the door.

Also, at the end of the great-grandfather story you switch back to Arokthis without telling us, which is awfully rude of you. :shocked: Some sort of way to signify that we're back to Arokthis would be much appreciated.

I don't have anything else specific to say about the rest of the piece, which tells you roughly how far I got before I went and deleted everything I'd done like the blundering idiot I am. I hope that you take some of the things that I've said so far into consideration and (to steal a Rev-ism) thanks for posting!

Arokthis
08-01-2008, 21:44
First of all, I rather hope that this is the beginning of a longer piece.
I'm trying to make more of this. I started this a long time ago.

My suggestion for that particular section would be to have Arokthis tell the story himself, either to some hypothetical questioner or to somebody that actually comes into the bar and has a conversation with him, thus providing the impetus for a plot of some sorts.
I've been thinking of doing something like that. One idea I had was something like a pair of city guards come in and sit down. Older one tells trainee to close eyes and describe the room. Description ensues. When he gets to Arokthis, veteran chuckles. (Rookie: "What's so funny?") [Couple ways to go from here: Version 1: Veteran checks time, asks barkeep if there's any new kids. "Yup." "How far do you think he'll get?" (bet, blah, blah, blah) (Rookie: "What's going on?") Version 2: Hear scream, rookie jumps up, veteran stops him. "But we gotta..."] "Don't worry about it. Let's sit over here." Lets Arokthis tell tale.


As for some minor details, is "griffoness" the correct term? Personally, I would have said "female griffon," (griffin?) and just "Griffon" in the title. "Griffoness" is a term that I've never heard before.

I've seen it before, though I can't remember where. There are a number of things that get "ess" added to create the female version. Here's a few: God/Goddess, Ogre/Ogress, Baron/Baroness.

...we really don't need to know so much about the door.
I really like the door, but I have problems finding a good way to bring it up. Trying to figure the right reason to mention it is one.

FDBtech
09-01-2008, 13:56
<3 I Realy liked it :P

RevenantsKnight
12-01-2008, 05:52
My apologies for this being rather late.

As a character introduction, this piece seems to work well enough, as it sets up the reader with a lot of knowledge about the protagonist (I assume); it’s evident that you’ve spent quite some time planning out Arokthis’s backstory and making sure how it covers certain details, such as Modurka. As The Last Melon mentioned, though, there isn’t much to this piece other than the introduction, and while that’s not necessarily a flaw, I think it might be able to hold its audience’s attention better if you also add in some sense of action or change. It doesn’t have to set up where the story’s going from here, though that’s one way of doing it, but having a little more happening in the present, as opposed to being revealed in exposition, would help interest because then the reader gets to see Arokthis “in person,” so to speak, instead of just hearing about him. Of course, it seems like you’ve already thought about this. :wink3:

On a related note, the manner in which you present this information is very factual and straightforward, which means that it tends to be fairly clear, but as The Last Melon pointed out, it leaves things feeling very set in stone. This is related to the scope of the piece and engagement with the story world, in the sense that it’s quite possible to address both issues of this piece with the changes you’ve mentioned, so with any luck, this won’t be too much of a problem. If it helps, I sometimes view my writing as a film where character action, such as dialogue, is screen time with the actors, whereas straight exposition or “telling” through narration would be like a voice-over without the actors; because most films focus much more on acting than voice-overs, I find that this is sometimes helpful at keeping me from spelling out too much in narration. Also, it might be worth trying to save some of the character information you present in the first chapter for later, as there should be ample opportunities to reveal them in situations where it might seem more natural. For instance, Arokthis’s height and hair color would be something that I’d imagine might get him some questions from the people he meets over the course of the story, so you could hold off on revealing their origins until there’s a reason why they should be known in the story itself. I do realize, though, that this is tricky for a number of cases, and it doesn’t fit some folks’ style. Finding a balance between keeping things clear and making the story seem more “natural” is hard, so don’t worry if it takes some time to work things out.

All that aside, I do like the amount of character detail here, and I think that with a little refining, this would be an interesting setup for something more. Anyway, if you’d like more detailed comments and suggestions on this, such as on the phrasing of particular passages, please let me know and I’ll see what I can do.

Oh, and one last thing: *reaches into The Last Melon’s post*...thanks for posting!

RevenantsKnight
19-01-2008, 05:34
As requested, here’re some specific comments on your story...it may be helpful to consider these alongside the general comments made in my previous post. In addition to those, I’ve also noticed that some of the detail you add, while nice, can bog down your sentences, and so might suggest either trimming some of it or drawing this piece out a bit more to fit everything in comfortably. Lengthiness seems to be the most consistent thing that keeps tripping me up. Anyway, here goes:

Sitting alone at a large oak table in Vindor's Bar in the city of Telgemin, Arokthis Knoll, with an ale mug in front of him and his battle-axe against the right side of his chair, was thinking about the many battles he had fought, both won and lost.

This sentence did read a bit awkwardly to me, though perhaps not for the same reasons as for The Last Melon. Though I do not claim to be an authority on this matter, my initial reaction was that there is a lot of information being crammed in here, and a fair bit of it either doesn’t seem important or doesn’t feel complete. In particular, the names of the bar and the city don’t seem to matter in this piece (yet) and they probably won’t mean anything to the reader, who I assume is just beginning to enter your world; therefore, having them into the first sentence of the story isn’t necessarily a helpful position. While the reader may want to know or need to know this information later, it doesn’t have to be squeezed right up front with other, more immediate, setting details. These bits can be addressed in quite a few ways (assuming you don’t think I’m just spewing garbage,) so I’d suggest you play with some other phrasings on your own, but as a general rule, be careful with overloading sentences with detail, because most readers will start ignoring parts if it moves beyond their tolerances, and generally speaking, your sentences seem to be on the detail-heavy end of the spectrum.

Also, you describe Arokthis as thinking about his battles, but then the story moves away from his experiences and his thoughts very quickly. Leaving things hanging like this can be trying to a reader’s sense of clarity, so I’d come up with an ending here that doesn’t shift the story’s focus from Arokthis’s appearance, which is what the following parts seem meant to describe. Bringing this up again later, after you’re done with Bodoro’s story, seems more appropriate.

At only seventy-five, he could still be easily mistaken for a young human, since he kept his sideburns carefully shaved and his blonde beard and mustache short, unlike most other dwarves who usually had bushels upon bushels of hair, often braided into mats that took forever to wash, and even longer to dry.

The first part of this sentence is good, in that it describes Arokthis in the world’s terms and doesn’t just up and say that seventy-five is young for a dwarf, for instance. However, I’m split over the second half; while the description of an average dwarf’s appearance is also a useful bit of knowledge, this amounts to a lot of not immediately important information in one sentence (hair drying speed means nothing here,) and it also moves the focus to dwarves in general, not Arokthis. Regardless of whether or not you keep it here, trim it down a little, or move it, that bit is good in this story...I’m just not sure if it is best placed elsewhere.

Collected into a ponytail at the back and tucked into his shirt, his waist-length blonde hair revealed his part human lineage with black streaks, a "gift" from his paternal great-grandmother.

I think this should read “...blond hair with black streaks revealed his part human lineage,” because as it is, it reads as if his human heritage has black streaks. I’d also consider dropping the part after “streaks,” because you just tell the story straight up after this, making it a bit redundant.

Over one hundred and eighty years before Arokthis was born, a swarm of flesh-eating demons descended on a village/fort and killed nearly every living thing.

Generally speaking, combining words with a slash (i.e. “village/fort”) is considered too informal for story narration. Now, there are exceptions, and if you were writing a piece with a lighter tone, they’d be much more fitting, but if this is high fantasy, I’d avoid such wordings, as they’re conversational and also more modern-sounding.

A middle-aged warrior/trader named Bodoro K'aleh, having celebrated his two hundredth birthday, needing to get away from the nagging of his clan over his still being unmarried, had been heading there on a combination of business and relaxation.

As with other parts, this gets a bit unwieldy with all the unnecessary details, though I do think that they add something useful here. If you were of a mind to keep them, for instance, you could drop the phrase beginning with “needing” and then follow this with a second sentence such as this: “He was looking forward to the company of humans who, unlike his kin, wouldn’t nag him about being unmarried,” which gets the idea across without jamming it into an already long sentence. Also, see above for my thoughts on “warrior/trader,” and there should be a “just” after “having” if you mean to say that he recently turned 200.

Apparently, a few in the nursery had hidden with a number of the children in the community grain silo.

I’d consider presenting this discovery through Bodoro’s eyes, where he notices that grain silo’s still standing, then goes over and finds out that there are people hidden inside, or something like that. As it is, the narrator’s just explaining what happened, which is less interesting and suspenseful in this case.

Combining the fact that this particular group of humans had come to this area to get away from a number of nasty dragons, the nearest human settlement was over twelve days away on horseback, and the physical beauty of P'aden R'osho (the young woman had gotten the bright idea in the first place) made up Bodoro's mind; he would take the children to his clan to be fostered and adopted by the various families.

This needs a little more expansion, because as it is, it basically treats the survivors as objects. Even if you mean to pass over this relatively quickly, I’d still spend a little more time on P’aden, at least.

At the age of forty, a fight with a griffoness had given him a scar that began just above his left eyebrow, continuing across the eyelid, barely missing the eye, down his cheek and jaw, onto his collarbone and halfway down his ribs, where it terminated abruptly in a ragged patch of scar tissue.

Aside from the need for a transition, I might try to compress the description of the scar a little bit, though it could stand as it is. “Terminated” also sounds a bit modern, so I might replace it with something else.

The whole episode had begun when a young human had gotten hold of his father's magical arrows, which had been received from a sorcerer as payment for a favor.

I’d consider dropping the part after “arrows,” because that’s a detail that doesn’t seem to matter at all to the story. While adding in things that flesh out the world or a character is good, be careful of letting more trivial filler slip in.

Unfortunately for the griffoness, her own natural countermagic had actually worked against her, such that the arrow hit her flank instead of a vital area.

The transition from talking about the arrows to the griffoness getting shot needs to be clearer; as it is, it skips over the griffoness being hunted and shot, which is a bit much to have happen “offscreen.”

Very rapidly the wound began to fester and become gangrenous, which caused great pain for the griffoness.

The part after “gangrenous” should be a given from the rest of the sentence and can be removed.

After several farmers had been attacked by the pain-crazed animal, Arokthis was asked to euthanize her.

“Euthanize” is too modern a word, and it’s also more “nice” than I’d expect from farmers who are being attacked. I’d use something else here.

He knew from the outset that the mission would not be easy, mostly because he had to kill her by either breaking her neck or choking her to death.

Given the reasons you give later as to why Arokthis would have to fight the griffoness in close, I’d avoid being so specific as “either breaking her neck or choking her to death,” because most animals have a large number of vital spots (head, eyes, heart, major arteries, lungs, etc.) Suggesting otherwise in this case, as you do, runs the risk of sounding illogical.

He knew that the mother had to be away from her young during the early minutes after hatching, so she would not attack and kill them in her crazed condition. He also knew that the fight would be all the more dangerous because she would be fighting for, at least in her mind, the life of her brood as well as herself.

The overall information here is good, though I might vary the structure of one of the sentences to avoid “He knew...He also knew,” which starts to sound like a list.

This sounded much easier than it really was, due to the fact that each egg was bigger than his head, though he did manage to do it.

This sentence seems a bit unnecessary, since all it really adds is the size of the eggs, which you could work into another part if it really matters.

One great swipe with a back leg gave Arokthis the wound that later became his distinctive scar.

If you wanted to, you could describe this action and some further parts of the battle with a bit more imagery and more vivid word choice, which might help make this more engaging. As it is, it feels a bit summarized, which doesn’t make for a particularly exciting battle.

At the end of the swipe, the claw somehow seemed to snag, and took out a fist-sized chunk of flesh before disconnecting from him.

This is an example of the dry, factual battle description that I mentioned just previously; “took out” and “disconnecting,” for instance, are generally neutral words that could be applied to assembling a tent or some other prosaic action, and aren’t overly exciting. More colorful words, such as “gouged out” and “tearing free” in this case, would be more suggestive of violent action, though there are many others that would have similar effects. Of course, you may choose to keep things low-key for a number of reasons, such as a desire to not emphasize this fight, but if I’m reading your intention correctly, this incident is pretty major and is supposed to be fast-paced.

The pain this caused gave him a birst of berzerker strength and further fueled his determination.

Those should be “burst” and “berserker.” Spelling aside, I’d make this sentence a bit more involved in the action by describing Arokthis’s reaction more closely, because as it is, it feels very removed from the scene. Also, the classical image of a berserker-type character is one of really great strength over a short period of time (at least as far as I know,) so it felt a bit odd to have this here when you then say that Arokthis fights the griffoness for almost an hour, all told. I would have thought he would have burned out by then.

Arokthis then retreated until she finally died of suffocation. At this point, he drew from his pocket the whistle to summon the second riding eagle. He blew a piercing note and promptly passed out.

This passage reads a bit like a list of actions, so I’d suggest some rewording here with the sentence structures.

Upon arriving, the eagle saw Arokthis' condition, grabbed him and the griffon in its talons, and immediately headed for the warlord's fort.

A minor quibble: if the eagle is strong enough to carry the griffon back, why not have it help in the fight?

When they arrived, the warlord's personal chichurgeon immediately began to tend to Arokthis' wounds.

I think that should be “chirurgeon,” if you want the archaic word for “surgeon.”

He immediately took the haunch offered him, still dripping with blood, and walked to the stall in which the emerging griffon (another male) was so he could feed it.

I’d avoid parenthetical inserts in narration, personally, because they’re a bit informal.

The reason for this was to imprint himself on the hatchling as its "mother."

I might try to find a less blunt way of getting this across to the reader, perhaps by describing the griffons’ actions later and having them treat Arokthis as a friend, or through conversation, if you decide to take this out of straight narration. As it is, it feels like you’re just handing out an explanation for the reader that breaks up the actual action.

His worries were put to rest by the stablemistress; she had lowered meat down from a hole in the roof via a hook on the end of a chain. She had made sure that no-one had been seen by the griffons, and had even taken the liberty of putting some armor belonging to Arokthis in the stall with them so they would recognize him by his smell when he came to see them.

The degree to which the stablemistress knows what to do in order to let the griffons imprint on someone, and the fact that she sets them up for Arokthis, as opposed to someone like the local warlord, is a bit hard to take on faith, I think. Maybe it’s just me, but this is almost too convenient to be readily believable.

At that point, Arokthis inquired about the state of the mother's remains. The stablemistress, knowing something of griffons, told him that the female hatchling had eaten everything but the claws, tail, beak, and some of the feathers; even the major bones had been cracked (with some help from the humans) and the marrow ingested. This news Arokthis made glad, because griffon hatchlings given the meat of their own kind as the first meal grew up to be much smarter and larger, as well as having life spans nearly thrice those of other griffons.

Unless you think this part is particularly important, I’d consider trimming it down or removing it entirely, because the exact reason why Modurka (I assume) is more powerful than a normal griffon doesn’t necessarily have to be here for the reader to make sense of things, even if it happened shortly after she was born, and this moves attention away from the actual events. It’s also a bit self-contradictory, because the reader could interpret the meat that the griffons were fed from the hook as their first meal, which runs counter to the second sentence here.

If not stopped by his fellow stablehands, he would run to the city's wizard screaming about monsters and end up embarrassed beyond belief when, having woken up the wizard and trying to get the city guard ready for a battle with demons, he is told that it is merely someone's mount.

While the part before this that sets up Modurka’s appearance is good, this seems a bit unnecessary, as you spend quite a bit of time on this event in general and, unlike some of those other parts, it wanders away from Arokthis and Modurka to the stablehand’s point of view. It’s sort of a nice touch, but it shifts things enough that it’s distracting, too.

Since half the town knew him and Modurka by sight, and most of the rest knew him by reputation, every time he showed up guaranteed that there would be a number of wagers on whether or not there would be a scream tonight, as well as on how far the unlucky newcomer got before being stopped.

Technically, this should read “...it was guaranteed.”

His reasons were numerous: the food was plentiful and cheap, the cooks knew what they were doing so they didn't need to burn incense, the ale was good, they never tried to take his battle-axe away from him, the beds were comfortable, the roof never leaked, the serving girls were pretty, the roof never leaked, and last, but most importantly, Vindor's was as far as you could get from the wizard's house while still being inside the innermost city wall.

I might trim one or two off of this list, since it is rather weighty and the first three all overlap slightly. Also, I assume the repetition of ‘the roof never leaked” is intentional.

In the last three years, only one person had managed to wake up the wizard after their "initiation," and only two others had made it all the way to the wizard's door before being stopped by the rest of the stablehands.

While there’s nothing really wrong with this sentence, as it is, I’d suggest trying to add a little bit of a closing paragraph or something after this, because ending on this note is pretty sudden. Particularly if you’re not going to set up the next part of the story here, it’d be good for this to feel like a stand-alone piece, so something with a little more finality would help.

Hope that helps.