final fall(sad poem)

[Deaddave]

well this is something ia just something i wrote when i was feeling a bit down. iv reworked it a bit since but it still dosnt sound/flow quite rite i was hoping you could give some pointers and general feed back on it. oh and i know the spelling is bad.


standing on the edge of everything he had ever know
one step away from loosing all he called home
the thought of those left prays upon his mind
how did it come to this how did he lose it all
the message left upon the answerphone
to say one final good bye
telling you not to blmae yourself and move on with your lifes
it might all end it tears
but join the chears as his pain will be now more
he closes his eyes and clears his mind to take the final fall
as he starts to fall he hears the call
the cry of I love you

-dd

[Snowglare]

oh and i know the spelling is bad.

Then why didn't you run it through a spellchecker before posting? It's not that hard, and it benefits everyone.

[Deaddave]

Then why didn't you run it through a spellchecker before posting? It's not that hard, and it benefits everyone.

becuase i didnt think of that:embarassed:

heres the spell cheaked version(well thyiad did :rolleyes: (also theres some small re-Phrasing)

Standing on the edge of everything he had ever known
One step away from losing all he called home
The thought of those left preys upon his mind
How did it come to this, how did he lose it all?
The message left upon the answer phone
To say one last goodbye
Telling you not to blame yourselves and move on with your lives
For it may all end in tears
But join the cheers for his pain will no be no more
He closes his eyes and clears his mind to take the final fall
As he starts to fall he hears the call
The cry of, "I love you"

[skilledlord]

I like the poem especially since it's written by you.
wow snowglare can you be anymore thoughtless? Not only did you not compliment him but you whine about spell checking.

[Disco-neck Ted]

wow snowglare can you be anymore thoughtless? Not only did you not compliment him but you whine about spell checking.
This is a writing forum. The moderator of the forum gave good advice to a writer. The writer took the advice and produced a better poem. That is simply how things work around here.

There were at least 12 mistakes in just 12 lines of writing. It's tough to read something like that and feel the meaning when the errors just leap off the page at every turn. If you honestly can't see the improvement in the second draft, then there isn't really any point in going further.

Compared to the first post, the subsequent version is surprisingly good. I liked it.

[RevenantsKnight]

Sorry that these comments come a little late; I hope they’ll be helpful anyway.

Overall, I thought this was all right, despite some phrasings and such that felt a little awkward. Also, the poem also didn’t really have a cohesive rhyme scheme or rhythm, which isn’t necessarily bad at all, but the use of rhyming here seemed almost random. I think that if you manage to address this bit, the poem would be a little stronger. Some specific comments:


Standing on the edge of everything he had ever known
One step away from losing all he called home

I’d suggest changing the known/home pairing, because it’s a bit of a forced rhyme and the second line seems redundant anyway; the first line implies what the second states, in my opinion. Given that, I might even cut the second line entirely.


How did it come to this, how did he lose it all?

This felt unnecessary to me, since the question of how this all happened isn’t the point of the poem.


Telling you not to blame yourselves and move on with your lives

I think this should be “Telling him,” “himself,” and “his life,” if I’m not mistaken about the parallelism.


He closes his eyes and clears his mind to take the final fall
As he starts to fall he hears the call

I’d change the wording in the second line to avoid the fall/call rhyme, because it feels repetitive given the preceding line. I think the rhyme between the two lines is fine, though, since it’s a way of calling attention to the shift in the action that occurs between the two lines. However, I’d shorten the first line a little because it feels a bit unwieldy to rhyme the two when one’s noticeably longer than the other in terms of syllables.


The cry of, "I love you"

Minor nitpick: the comma after “of” isn’t necessary and should be removed.

Anyway, I’m not the greatest judge of poetry, but this seemed okay by me. Thanks for posting!