Poem - A Sense of Senselessness

[FrostyTheSnowSorc]

Through the deepest of hallways in the crevices of time,
A presence is felt like a warm dandilion.
A fragment of hope
A fragrance of life
No longer shall he carry the burdens.. the strife.
His darkest fears relinquished
A pulse of love
No more Red plastered windows
From those brown eyes above.
No dark jaded rain clouds
Nor prophecies sublime
In the heart of His soul
No Terror comes to mind.
Though hidden there he cannot see
What means of stronghold and of treachery
Lay dormant for the time with two brothers to be,
Destruction, Hatred, and a Terror of Three.

[FrostyTheSnowSorc]

Sorry for digging this up, but could anyone give some insight on this for me? I'm looking to further my poem-minded writing abilities and any constructive responses you guys could give would be greatly apprectiated.

-Frosty

[RevenantsKnight]

Sorry about not getting to this for a while; I don’t always do poems because I have much less experience writing them than I have for prose, but I’ll give this one a shot.

Overall, I thought that this was a little confusing at some points with the wording and the imagery, though I have a pretty good guess as to what’s happening here and some parts seem pretty solid. Aside from the content, I did note that the poem reads a touch unevenly due to the differing line lengths and syllable and rhyming patterns. That’s not a major problem here, in my opinion, but if you can make this conform to some overall rhythm without sacrificing content quality, that would probably be a good idea. Anyway, here’re some specific comments:


Through the deepest of hallways in the crevices of time,
A presence is felt like a warm dandilion.

This pairing didn’t really work for me, because the first line sets up a really dramatic, played-up image with phrases like “deepest of hallways,” and then you follow it up with “a warm dandelion,” which is a very, well, ordinary object for a simile, and so it feels insufficient or awkward. Also, the images themselves weren’t very meaningful, at least for me; the first sounds like you’re mixing metaphors, as crevices and hallways are usually not associated with each other, and “a warm dandelion” feels confusing because even grass out in the summer sun isn’t really warm to the touch. As a side note, “dandelion” has one “e” and one “i.”


A fragment of hope
A fragrance of life
No longer shall he carry the burdens.. the strife.

This sounded pretty good to me when read through and disregarding the line breaks, but as it is, I think it’s an example of what I mean by an uneven overall pattern. The first two lines here are much shorter than the third, and the rhyming seems to pair the second and third lines only, so it feels like things don’t quite match up here. Since you follow an ABCB rhyming scheme pretty well after this point and most of those lines are shorter rather than longer, I’d suggest breaking that third line in two somewhere.


His darkest fears relinquished
A pulse of love

If I have the right interpretation here (and I’m not entirely sure that I do, as this was confusing at first,) “love” sounds a little out of place. It sort of works as it is, though it’s probably worth it to try working out a different wording.


No more Red plastered windows
From those brown eyes above.

I’m not sure why you capitalized “Red” here, and I think “red-plastered” would be the correct wording.


In the heart of His soul
No Terror comes to mind.

I’m not sure why you capitalized “His” here, since I don’t think that’s done for even the Prime Evils or Tyrael, and “comes to mind” felt too casual a phrasing for this. I’d use something more evocative here; one possibility might be “haunts his mind.”


Though hidden there he cannot see
What means of stronghold and of treachery

“Means of stronghold” got your point across, but it sounded pretty awkward to me. I’d see if you can’t find another way to phrase that.


Lay dormant for the time with two brothers to be,
Destruction, Hatred, and a Terror of Three.

“Two brothers to be” sounds odd when paired with the list in the second line, since there’re three Prime Evils. I might try dropping the “two” so that the contrast is not so pronounced.

Overall, I think there’re some things here that could be changed or improved, but I’d say it’s a decent piece as it is. My apologies again for the delay, but hopefully that helped somewhat. Thanks for posting!

[FrostyTheSnowSorc]

Thanks for the review Revenants. It has really opened my mind to new possibilities. I realized only after the poem was set in stone that there were a few capitalization errors and words that needed tuning.

At the end where I say "lay dormant with two brothers to be" , that was meant to come from the point of view where the individual I am talking about was possessed by Diablo. Although, it is a bit confusing as to what brother I am talking about here. That'll give me a heads-up for next time though.

Greatly appreciated.

-Frosty