My Last Family Christmas

[Bloodbathi]

It was the afternoon of Christmas Eve and I (a very excited five-year-old boy) was bouncing up-and-down in the backseat of my parent's brown 1976 Oldsmobile, heading west from the big city directly into a blinding sunset.

The excitement was mounting with each passing moment that brought the toys of the following morning ever closer. Yet the gifts wouldn't end there, as I had convinced myself that Santa couldn't possibly forget to leave more toys back home to greet me upon my return.

I guess my over-enthusiasm combined with hours of highway driving were too much for my little tummy to handle because I can remember throwing up grilled cheese & french fries all over the back seat of the car, covering my two favourite teddy bears.

After pulling off the highway to clean the back of the car (and 3 or 4 more bathroom stops) I can only imagine the relief on my parent's faces when, at around 9:00pm, we finally arrived at our destination.

The three of us emerged from the car into a dark wooded clearing and my father suggested we leave everything in the car because we had to get ready in a hurry as Santa would be there any minute.

My mom slowly walked me around the front of the car and with a hug and a kiss, handed me a plastic bag containing a quart of milk a bag of chocolate chip cookies and a carrot.

"These are for Santa and Rudolph, when you see them." she was now sobbing.

As she turned back towards the car my father told me to turn around and close my eyes and count to 100. He said when I opened them Santa's palace would appear, full of toys and candy. My eyes widened and a grin spread across my face. The moment I had been waiting 364 days for was almost upon me.

Eyes shut I quickly began counting,
"1….2….3….4…."

With each passing number my voice getting louder in anticipation,
"…35….36…37…"

The sweet, sticky smell of candy canes almost detectable through the crisp chilling air,
"56...57...58..."

Louder and louder my voice became as my pace quickened, and as I reached 90 I was screaming so loud my face had become bright red. Spit was flying from my lips with every screaming number,
"….97…..98…..99…..100!!"

My eyes flew open and instantly a million brilliant pinpoints of light struck me in the center of my brain…
streaking…
fading…
and then….
darkness...
(as I had been squeezing my eyes shut so tightly, for a fleeting moment all I could see was stars).

Through my escalated screaming there was no way I could have heard the car pull away...

The first night a pack of squirrels ate my cookies while I slept under the branches of a small pine tree. To this day I don't know what happened to the carrot, but at least I still had the jug of milk, which had frozen solid while I slept.

I dragged that plastic milkberg for the next 2 days until that nice man in the green pick-up truck found me wandering on the side of the highway. I'll never forget the taste of chewing tobacco on his lips.

I did make it back home eventually, and my folks did say they were sorry they forgot me there, but we don't celebrate Christmas anymore...
– my Dad says it makes my Mom cry.

[RevenantsKnight]

...well, that was certainly different. I will say that this was a not-too-comfy read for me; towards the end, I was probably staring as much as I was reading. That aside, I thought this read fluidly, and you handle the events themselves and the incomplete feel of the ending pretty well. If you were going for creepy (and I’d guess you were,) then you hit it nicely. A few specific comments:


Yet the gifts wouldn't end there, as I had convinced myself that Santa couldn't possibly forget to leave more toys back home to greet me upon my return.

This is a bit of a minor point, but I’d word the beginning here as “Yet I thought (or ‘knew’) the gifts wouldn’t end there...” since at the moment of the story’s narration, the main character knows what actually happened.


I guess my over-enthusiasm combined with hours of highway driving were too much for my little tummy to handle because I can remember throwing up grilled cheese & french fries all over the back seat of the car, covering my two favourite teddy bears.

A few quick grammatical things: ampersands should usually be written out as “and” in first-person narration, since if the narrator were telling the story aloud, the audience would hear “and,” not the symbol. Also, “french” should technically be capitalized; if that bugs you, then I’d just leave it at “fries.”


After pulling off the highway to clean the back of the car (and 3 or 4 more bathroom stops) I can only imagine the relief on my parent's faces when, at around 9:00pm, we finally arrived at our destination.

I think “I can” should be “I could,” to be consistent with the rest of the narration. Also, numbers between zero and nine are usually written out as words in narration, not as single digits.


The three of us emerged from the car into a dark wooded clearing and my father suggested we leave everything in the car because we had to get ready in a hurry as Santa would be there any minute.

This felt like it rambled on a little bit. Granted, it looks technically okay to me, but it just seems to me as if this was too much for one sentence. Personally, I’d suggest breaking this into two either around “because” or “as Santa,” though the latter option would probably require some additions to the second sentence. Or you could just call me crazy and ignore this, I suppose. :wink3:


My mom slowly walked me around the front of the car and with a hug and a kiss, handed me a plastic bag containing a quart of milk a bag of chocolate chip cookies and a carrot.

There should be a comma after “milk,” and maybe one after “cookies,” too.


"These are for Santa and Rudolph, when you see them." she was now sobbing.

“She” should be capitalized.


As she turned back towards the car my father told me to turn around and close my eyes and count to 100.

There should be a comma after “car.”


Eyes shut I quickly began counting,
"1….2….3….4…."

There should be a comma after “shut.”


With each passing number my voice getting louder in anticipation,
"…35….36…37…"

“Getting” seems like it should be “grew,” and I think there should be a comma after “number.”


The sweet, sticky smell of candy canes almost detectable through the crisp chilling air,
"56...57...58..."

The narration here felt a bit awkward to me, because it’s a fragment that doesn’t seem to transition well into the counting.


Through my escalated screaming there was no way I could have heard the car pull away...

I’d change the ellipsis at the end here to just a period, because the more final sense that a period conveys would give this statement more punch, in my opinion.


The first night a pack of squirrels ate my cookies while I slept under the branches of a small pine tree.

There should be a comma after “night,” and squirrels are diurnal animals; that is, they’re not active at night. I’d go with rats, maybe.


I dragged that plastic milkberg for the next 2 days until that nice man in the green pick-up truck found me wandering on the side of the highway.

“2” would usually be written out as “two” in narration.

Anyway, as said before, I thought this was pretty good, if twitch-inducing. Of course, that’s just me...I’ve been told that I have a weird sense of what’s creepy and what isn’t. Thanks for posting!

[Ikeren]

I read it and enjoyed it, but man am I losing my touch, I only picked up half of the grammar errors that RevenantsKnight did. However, yeah, I will agree - a bit creepyish. However, if that is what you are looking for, you are doing a darn fine job :grin:

[The Last Melon]

That was...odd. I feel that you could have clarified a bit more what was happening when everything went dark for the narrator - did he faint? It sounds a bit like someone hit him.