Prologue - Charonites's Quest
"Meet... Lord Rabachu..." He said to me, turning to the door, as a man was walking through it. A giant of a man. A giant among giants even. This was Lord Rabachu. The Barbarian Lord of the Shadow Wolf Tride. A fearsome man with a equally fearsome mastery of the Axe. And there was me.. at the time a lowly priest of Rathma.
"I hear you are Charonites.. you have shown much promise.." I was taken aback by the Barbarian's words. Why would a Barbarian notice promise in a Necromancer?
"Excuse me.. oh, great Lord Rabachu.. but why is it of any concern to the Shadow Wolf Tride?" I expected an angry response, at least an insult or two. But alas, it was not meant to be.
"Haha, Charonites.. we must fight together in these days.. the days where the Minions of Hell are roaming the earth... foul creatures of the Prime Evils..." I laughed a nervous laughter. Was this man expecting me to fight against the Three Prime Evils? Mephisto, Diablo and Baal. "You must follow the path you have chosen Necromancer... Priest of Rathma. The day will come when you will be tested... tested far greater then any mortal has ever been tested before... they're waiting for you."
They? I had hoped he didn't mean who I thought he meant. It was a futile hope. But hope is hope, afterall.
I've also recorded me saying this. Just e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I'll send you the file with the recording.
This is just the prologue, if I get a good enough response, I'll start to write it up. Think of this as a taster, if you like it, you may get more.
I like it, it sums up the personality traits of (I assume) your two protagonists without giving away too much of the plot. In terms of prologues, you've written it how it should be written.
You tend to use eclipses where unnessary though and many of your sentances should be put together into compound sentances. For example:
"A giant of a man. A giant among giants even. This was Lord Rabachu."
should be something like:
"A giant of a man, a giant even among giants, this was Lord Rabachu."
I definately want to see more, though. Your writing style is mostly undeveloped, but remains untainted by the influence of bad writers. Keep writing! :)
Thank you so very much for your response. I have sent you the file with the recording, as requested by in your e-mail. Your critic is fair and just, and I can see where your coming from.
I have an interest in writing which has developed over the past 2 years. I usually get my stories or fan-fictions proof-read by a good friend of mine, but this piece, the Prologue has infact, not been proof-read, nor checked for mistakes or any way I could make it better.
Thanks for your response, yet again.. =]
Hrm...honestly, this felt too short and evasive, even as a “taster,” as you put it. It could be just me, but this didn’t seem to have anything that grabbed my attention because it was rather vague. It’s quite true that you don’t want to give too much away this early, but I think that this could use a bit more detail to draw the reader in. As it is, this is very general and grand, what with Barbarian Lords and destiny and the Prime Evils; these things are fine, but they don’t help your audience gain a footing in your world. There’re many ways this could go, so reading this left me with a bit of an uneasy feeling, not knowing what to expect; that feeling of being unanchored can hurt interest as much as spelling out the plot can. To give your reader a little more stability, I’d suggest tossing in a bit more that hints at where the plot might go in the short run.
That aside, there is a good hint of what Charonites is like as a person: he reads as somewhat inexperienced, cautious and polite, which all come across just in the way he acts. :smiley: I didn’t get quite as strong an idea of Lord Rabachu, but that’s okay at this point, especially if you’re telling this from Charonites’s point of view, as they just met. So, I’d say that there’s a solid beginning for the characters here, but I’d try to add a suggestion in terms of where the plot may go soon...you can always take the time to focus more on Charonites and Rabachu or start looking around broadly once you’ve got your audience hooked. That hint doesn’t even need to be true, necessarily, so long as you play your cards right.
Also, HoboGod makes a good point about sentence structure; a lot of this is pretty short and fragmented with a lot of stops throughout the narration, which makes this read a bit roughly. There are indeed some instances where such halting may be useful for emphasis, but in general, combining some of these into longer sentences would help, in my opinion. Some specific comments:
"Meet... Lord Rabachu..." He said to me, turning to the door, as a man was walking through it.
The ellipses (not “eclipses”) here don’t seem to fit, as having the speaker pause right after saying “Meet” sounds a little unnatural to me, and I can’t really see a reason for why you’d use one at the end there instead of just a comma. Also, “He” should be in lowercase, and the comma after “door” is unnecessary and should be removed.
By the way, I note that you never say who “he” is. Is there a reason for that? As it is, I found it a little confusing, as if I’d started viewing a movie fifteen minutes in.
A giant of a man. A giant among giants even. This was Lord Rabachu.
HoboGod’s suggestion here is good, though it’d be incorrect to put a comma after “even,” because the parts before and after that point could each be complete sentences on their own. I’d use a period, as you do, or a colon there instead.
The Barbarian Lord of the Shadow Wolf Tride.
That should be “Tribe.” Also, this isn’t a complete sentence, technically, because there’s no grammatical verb; every sentence must have a subject and a verb. For that reason, I’d combine this with the previous sentence into something like “This was Lord Rabachu, leader of the Shadow Wolf Tribe.”
A fearsome man with a equally fearsome mastery of the Axe.
This is also not a complete sentence, since there’s no verb again, but this particular instance isn’t too bad; putting this information by itself may be grammatically incorrect, but it does emphasize it, so there’s a justification here at least. Be careful about messing with the mechanics of English though: while there are times like these where you can bend grammar a little for stylistic reasons, those rules are there for a reason. Additionally, that should be “an equally fearsome mastery,” because “a” becomes “an” anytime it comes before a word that starts with a vowel.
And there was me.. at the time a lowly priest of Rathma.
Ellipses are always three periods, not two, and you don’t have to put a space after them, necessarily. In this case, you could probably just drop the ellipsis entirely for a comma, though.
"I hear you are Charonites.. you have shown much promise.." I was taken aback by the Barbarian's words.
As mentioned above, these ellipses should each be three periods, and I think the one at the end of the speech should be a period, unless Charonites actually interrupted Rabachu (it’s not really clear either way.) Also, the narration after this spoken part should be on a separate line; a general convention in writing is to start a new line each time the narration shifts from a speaker to another speaker or a different character.
"Excuse me.. oh, great Lord Rabachu.. but why is it of any concern to the Shadow Wolf Tride?"
In general, ellipses in speech indicate a pause of at least a second or two, and sometimes more. Be careful about using them too often; if there’re more than one or two per spoken part, and you didn’t mean for the speaker to sound like he’d been hit on the head recently or something, then you should probably take another look at the sentence. I’d suggest you take a look over this as a whole and see if there are places where you might be able to replace some ellipses with other punctuation marks, such as commas or periods.
Though I can see a case for keeping the second ellipsis here, if Charonites is feeling tentative, the first one should probably be a comma unless he’s really lost for words, and if that’s the case, I’d advise rewording this in general to give it more of a halting feel. Also, that should be “Tribe,” not “Tride.”
I expected an angry response, at least an insult or two. But alas, it was not meant to be.
“Alas” suggests that Charonites would have preferred “an angry response,” et cetera, to what he actually got. That’s definitely an interesting suggestion, and if that’s what you meant, I’d explain it a little more, because as it is, I can’t tell if it was accidental or not.
I laughed a nervous laughter.
I think that should be “I laughed nervously,” since “laughing a laughter” sounds awkward and possibly incorrect to me.
Mephisto, Diablo and Baal.
I’d cut this entirely, since if the reader doesn’t know who the Prime Evils are, they’ll probably figure it out pretty quickly just from the context.
"You must follow the path you have chosen Necromancer... Priest of Rathma."
There should be a comma after “chosen.”
"The day will come when you will be tested... tested far greater then any mortal has ever been tested before... they're waiting for you."
I’d tone this down a bit, because frankly, Rabachu’s words here sound too grandiose to be believable, sort of like a street-corner prophet unloading tidings of doom. Stuff like this is great when it fits, but you’re basically opening the story with it, which is dangerous. Often, it’s necessary to build up to declarations such as this one, and if you don’t have a base of events to justify such a statement, it’s going to sound overdramatic.
But hope is hope, afterall.
“After all” is two words.
Overall, I think this could use a little more material to help keep your reader interested in what’s coming next, as well as a bit of editing. The characters are off to a good start, but that strength are easy to miss next to some of the other issues here. Keep at it, though, and this will get better...in fact, the only way it won’t get better is if you stop writing. Thanks for posting!
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.0 Copyright © 2013 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.