View Full Version : Ardent
First of all, I'm new around here, so hullo!:grin:
Since this is my first post I hope I don't break any of those rules. I'd hate to have those ninja cats on my tail. (note the pun:grin: )
This is supposed to be about writing so I'll go straight to the point.
Farther down you'll find the first chapter of a story called "Ardent". It's a WoW based fan-fic writen by yours-trully, and since I got some good feedback in the past I decided to try my luck here. I'd appreciate some advice, and in case you think it sucks, please be constructive about it. :tongue:
Note that english isn't my native language, so in case you spot something that really burns your eyes out, I'll have to ask you to excuse me.
Ardent
1
“It’s time”, a voice said inside his head, “It’s time you woke up”, repeated the voice with a bitter-sweet plead. “I know”, he thought, and it was the first thought that passed through his mind in many years. He looked around with new eyes and found himself standing in the middle of a darkened corridor, surrounded by bodies. He looked at them and noticed the red tabards. “No, not red”, he thought, “scarlet...” The bodies belonged to the humans of the scarlet crusade, and it was likely that he had been the killer.
He went down the corridor, following a pair of bloody footprints that had caught his eye. The air inside the building was filthy and decayed, but he liked it, he took long breaths of it, and even though he hardly needed it, he breathed in often. It reminded him of when he was alive, a sweet and tormenting memory, but he preferred not thinking about those times. His heart had been turned cold by them.
He reached a stairway. The bloody footprints were all over them. He climbed them and felt the wind brush against his face. It gave him chills along his spine. It gave him a feeling of life. He walked forward and left the building. Outside there were more bodies and a trail of blood leading away from the monastery, into the dead woods of the Tirisfal glades.
He walked down the path that stretched out in front of him until he could distinguish a small tower from the darkness around. Besides it he saw another figure, that of a man, looking over a corpse. As he drew closer he saw that the man was undead, like him. At first he asked himself who he was, but as the undead turned towards him and spoke, he recognized him. He was his master, the one that controlled his destiny for all those years.
“Ah, I see you’ve caught up”, he said with a mile tone, “What took you so long? I could have been killed by this low ranking fool, and you, where were you?” He tried to answer, but the other one cut him off: “Don’t bother saying anything, it doesn’t matter anymore, now we must take care of them”, and he pointed down the path into the mist. Soon after, a group of undead appeared and directed themselves towards the two.
“They are death guards”, his master said. “Do not underestimate them for they are highly trained.”
The highest in rank amongst them stood in front of the rest as they stopped near them. He looked at him and his master and then, addressing himself at him, said: “The dark lady calls your name within the cold halls of the Undercity. Will you join her ranks?”
His master laughed at first, then said amused: “Do you think he’ll ever manage to free himself from the lich king’s will? You are fools to do so! Soon he will regain his dominion in these lands and the scourge shall devour the Forsaken!”
“I do not speak to you!”, shrilled the undead captain.
His master turned to him and said mockingly: “Well, servant of mine? Do you join the dark lady?” He laughed at the death guard.
He looked down at the ground and noticed the weapons hanging on his belt. He grabbed one of them, a sword, and struck his master’s skull with it. His body fell to the ground spiritless. A feeling of delight and satisfaction invaded him.
The captain smiled. “Good”, he said, “the dark lady is pleased with your progress”.
“Who is this dark lady?” he asked.
“She is our guide, newly woken one. She has freed you from the lich king’s grasp, and now requests your allegiance.”
“And if I should refuse?”
“You will not”, the captain said decisively.
“Then there is nothing more to discuss. She has my allegiance.”
“Follow us”, the captain ended.
They walked on for hours, always seeing nothing but dead trees and lifeless soil, occasionally marked by the remains of a small hamlet or the dried up course of a brook; the Tirisfal glades were indeed forsaken. A foul smell lingered in every place of the once majestic land. The undead neither liked nor disliked it, for, as they did with many other things that belonged to those that were alive, they ignored it, shutting it away from their-as they thought-lost souls. If they chose to do it because they merely abandoned living feelings, hated them, or felt too much pain from their memories, it could not be seen from their actions, but one thing was certain: they had left behind their lives, whether they liked it or not. They had other things to do now, in the name of the Sylvanas.
“How much time has passed since the fall of Lordaeron”, he asked, “since the death of Terenas Menethil?”
“We do not enjoy looking into the past”, answered the captain, “but I believe five years have past since those tragic events”, he said with a grim smile whilst pronouncing the word ‘tragic’, “but why do you ask?”
“It has been from that day that my mind has been bound to the Lich King’s will.”
They walked the rest of the way without saying anything. Silence was broken only when the grey, ruined walls of the old capital city showed themselves out of the fog. “Finally we have arrived. Now I may see my old city again.”
“Then you should stand fast, brother. What you will see is nothing but the shadow of what it was. Now it is only a deformed and abandoned shell; within its core we shall find the Undercity, the new capitol, of the Forsaken.”
They approached the walls, and he touched them. “Cold”, he whispered, “so different.”
“It is the cold that has gripped all out hearts”, said the captain, “but you must use that cold to your advantage. I understand you are powerful, and the dark lady has great plans for you, but you are still young amongst us, and you have a great deal to learn.”
“What plans are you talking about?”
“You know nothing of them of course, but the dark lady is sure that you are destined for greatness. It seems that not even the iron will of the Lich King has stopped you from pursuing that path. For that I congratulate you.”
He said nothing.
The old king’s darkened throne room had a silent resonance to the sound of their skeletal movements, but it still possessed a certain kind of majesty, despite the gruesome circumstances. They proceeded towards the lifts. He looked at the two towering monstrosities guarding the entrance; he remembered them; they used to be his tools of culling when he was a slave to the scourge. Abominations, they were called by men, but he could only see the sad fate of many, sowed together into one single horrible being, the true abomination was Kel’thuzad, for having created such a creature.
They stepped onto the platform and waited to be taken down.
"Soon we shall reach the city’s core, the trade quarter. Perhaps that notion amongst the undead sounds strange to you, but despite our non-living form, we have adopted the ways of the living. Our entrance in the horde", he continued, "marked a new age for our race, we are no longer alone."
“The horde?”
“Yes. The dark lady has found in the orcs and their allies a means of survival.”
“So you’ve allied yourself with those foul creatures in order to survive? I would have chosen death!”
“You speak of the times when you were human; they have been the only ones that have offered us help. Without them the scourge would have devoured us by now.”
“But still, creatures as foul as them….”
The captain laughed: “you forget what you are, undead.”
He lowered his head in sign of defeat. Words of impetuosity were not part of his skills when alive, and they weren’t in death.
They arrived at the bottom and stepped off the platform, entering the trade quarter. They proceeded slowly as they frequently stopped because of everyone saluting the captain. He didn’t mind though, he kept looking around himself, gazing with wonder at the life that the undead city was showing. The years under the scourge’s control made him think that the undead, himself included, were doomed to solitude, but it was not so, the city was filled with life, not only the movements of the undead, but the constant orc, troll or tauren travellers; sometimes prisoners of war would be brought through, to everyone’s delight.
They passed through the city’s streets, over its canals, until arriving at the Royal Apothecary, where Sylvanas Windrunner, the dark lady of the Forsaken, awaited. They walked up to her slowly. He looked at his right, seeing the dread lord, Varimathras. ”Traitor!” He wanted to shout, but then he remembered who he was fighting for now.
“My lady”, said the captain, “I have brought him to you.”
She looked at him with delight. “I trust you haven’t had any difficulty with his…recruitment.”
The captain smiled. “He did all the work for us, my lady.”
“Have you?” She looked towards him.
“If you are referring to my old jailor (he was going to say master), then yes, I killed him.”
She smiled. “My name is Sylvanas Windrunner, once ranger general of the high elf armies, now the Dark Lady of the Forsaken.”
“I am-” he stopped as he found that he could not remember his name. “I don’t know“, he was going to say, but Varimathras interrupted him.
“Your old human identity is no longer required. In order the serve us with the best of your abilities you need a new existence, a new name. What do you want to be called, undead?”
He stood there a moment and thought, then he raised his head high and said: “I want no other name than my first one, but seeing that I can’t use that one, I choose to bare no name.”
“It is necessary that you have one”, said Sylvanas.
After a few seconds he spoke: “Ardent.”
(to be continued)
RevenantsKnight
08-06-2006, 04:51
A disclaimer first: I haven’t played World of Warcraft, or even the Frozen Throne, for that matter, so I probably won’t pick up on all the game references you make here.
Anyway, I think the plot is pretty clear, which is nice, but, particularly at the beginning, I had a bit of trouble figuring out why the characters did what they did. That aside, I like the idea that Ardent has to adjust from his old life to the new world of the Forsaken. This could use some editing and revising here and there, but I think the concept’s good. Some specific comments:
“It’s time”, a voice said inside his head, “It’s time you woke up”, repeated the voice with a bitter-sweet plead.
“Plead” isn’t a noun, so it should be replaced with “plea” here. Also, the commas after each of the spoken parts should be inside the closing quotation marks, and the comma after “head” should be a period.
Grammatical stuff aside, I wasn’t sure what this part was supposed to mean for Ardent until much later in the story, and even then, I don’t think it works. You say that he’s been under his master’s power for five years; having that control break after just a few words does not read well. If the owner of the voice is a really powerful wizard, for instance, then give the reader some hint towards that power, and that this isn’t just some random person managing to get in his head for a second.
“I know”, he thought, and it was the first thought that passed through his mind in many years.
“That passed” seems incorrect to me, though I can’t be sure of that. I’d change it to “to pass,” though there are certainly other ways too, and if you think I’m just spewing crazy talk, you could probably leave it as it is. Also, the comma after “know” should be inside the quotation marks. As a general rule, punctuation at the end of a spoken part goes inside the quotation marks. Since this seems to occur everywhere in your story and is a pretty easy fix, I won’t note further examples of this error, but would suggest that you look this over for those mistakes. Let me know if you need some more help with that.
He looked at them and noticed the red tabards.
Minor nitpick: I think that should be “their red tabards,” because then it’s clear that they’re wearing them, and the tabards just aren’t on the floor or something. Granted, it’s pretty clear anyway, but it doesn’t hurt to be precise.
“No, not red”, he thought, “scarlet...”
Just a thought: if you want to make a clear distinction between what Ardent thinks to himself and what gets said aloud, you could put his thoughts in italics instead of in quotation marks. It’s not confusing so far, though, so this is a minor detail.
The bodies belonged to the humans of the scarlet crusade, and it was likely that he had been the killer.
I can’t be sure, since I don’t play World of Warcraft, but should that be “Scarlet Crusade”?
The air inside the building was filthy and decayed, but he liked it, he took long breaths of it, and even though he hardly needed it, he breathed in often.
The comma after “liked it” should be a period or a semicolon, with “he took” starting a new sentence. Additionally, I’d trim down the second part of this a little bit as it’s a little wordy; you could probably just leave it at “He took long breaths of it, though he hardly needed it,” since that seems like enough to get your idea across.
It reminded him of when he was alive, a sweet and tormenting memory, but he preferred not thinking about those times.
That should be “...preferred not to think about those times.”
He reached a stairway. The bloody footprints were all over them.
A general comment about your style: the narration sounds a bit like a list of actions at times, which makes this sound monotonous. The quoted sentences are one example of this, in that they share similar structures and are very short. Reading several of these in succession can get kind of boring, so it’s often a good idea to see if you can’t combine two short sentences into one or reword one so that it isn’t as similar. This sort of thing isn’t too bad every now and then, though.
He walked down the path that stretched out in front of him until he could distinguish a small tower from the darkness around.
Minor nitpick: I’d reword the end to “...from the surrounding darkness,” since what you have sounds a touch awkward, though that’s just me.
As he drew closer he saw that the man was undead, like him.
I’d suggest against just saying “the man was undead” here. Instead, I’d try to describe the man a little; perhaps you could point out fleshless arms, or thin, wispy hair coming off a bare skull, I don’t know. The advantage of these details would be that they should be enough for the reader to realize that the man is undead, and they also help draw a picture for the reader’s imagination. That way, the story can seem a bit more like a scene unfolding, and therefore feel more real.
At first he asked himself who he was, but as the undead turned towards him and spoke, he recognized him.
I get that you intentionally didn’t name Ardent until this point, but all the uses of “he” and “him” with the two unnamed men were a little confusing. I’d see if you can’t make this a little clearer, perhaps by replacing “him” or the second “he” with “the other man” or something like that.
He was his master, the one that controlled his destiny for all those years.
That should be “had controlled.”
“Ah, I see you’ve caught up”, he said with a mile tone, “What took you so long?”
The comma after “tone” should be a period; whenever you have some dialogue followed by something like “he said” and then more dialogue, check to see if the second spoken part is a complete sentence. If it is, then it should be a separate sentence. Also, I think you mean “mild” instead of “mile.”
He tried to answer, but the other one cut him off: “Don’t bother saying anything, it doesn’t matter anymore, now we must take care of them”, and he pointed down the path into the mist.
Each of the three clauses in the master’s speech here should be a separate sentence, because they all have different subjects; the subject in the first sentence is an implied “you,” “it” is the subject in the second sentence, and “we” is the subject in the third sentence. Since “you,” “it” and “we” are not interchangeable, these need to be separate sentences.
Soon after, a group of undead appeared and directed themselves towards the two.
This is another point where it would help to say more than “undead” and focus on what the reader would actually be able to observe, were s/he actually there in the scene. “A group of undead” really doesn’t tell the reader a whole lot about what they look like, since there are many kinds of undead. However, “a group of lumbering, corpse-like figures, rotting flesh hanging from yellowed bones,” for instance, creates a much more specific description that the reader can picture easily. There are indeed times where it pays to be vague, but I don’t think this is one of them.
“Do not underestimate them for they are highly trained.”
There should be a comma after “them.”
The highest in rank amongst them stood in front of the rest as they stopped near them.
As with the “undead” part, I’d suggest focusing more on what could actually be seen instead of just telling the reader that the front soldier is “the highest in rank.” For instance, you could maybe point out that he might be wearing the remnants of a particular uniform, or that his comrades seem to follow him around. That way, it’ll feel more like this information is grounded in the story, as opposed to being something that you just added in so that the reader can understand.
He looked at him and his master and then, addressing himself at him, said: “The dark lady calls your name within the cold halls of the Undercity.”
Again, “he” can get confusing with all the people (or former people, maybe,) in this scene. When possible, I’d use specific names or titles so that it’s clear who you mean.
His master laughed at first, then said amused: “Do you think he’ll ever manage to free himself from the lich king’s will?”
There should be a comma after “said,” and I’d make the colon after “amused” simply a comma, though it may well be correct as it is, too...I’ve just never seen colons used in that specific manner.
“Soon he will regain his dominion in these lands and the scourge shall devour the Forsaken!”
I’m pretty sure “scourge” should be “Scourge.”
He grabbed one of them, a sword, and struck his master’s skull with it. His body fell to the ground spiritless.
I didn’t really get why the heck Ardent did what he did here, because there’s no hint of a reason, or any sort of reaction on Ardent’s part to the conversation up to this point. As there’s nothing to link it to the rest of the story, it seems forced in for plot reasons, which made this confusing on a first read and feel clumsy afterwards. I’d try to give the reader at least something to connect this action to the plot. Also, because “his” in the second sentence could refer to either Ardent or his master, and in fact, it grammatically reads as if it were referring to Ardent, that part was really confusing. I’d just replace “his” with something specific here.
“Good”, he said, “the dark lady is pleased with your progress”.
The second part here should be its own sentence; the comma after “said” should be a period, and “the” should be capitalized.
“Follow us”, the captain ended.
“Ended” should be “finished,” I think.
They walked on for hours, always seeing nothing but dead trees and lifeless soil, occasionally marked by the remains of a small hamlet or the dried up course of a brook; the Tirisfal glades were indeed forsaken.
I think “dried-up” should be hyphenated.
The undead neither liked nor disliked it, for, as they did with many other things that belonged to those that were alive, they ignored it, shutting it away from their-as they thought-lost souls.
That should be “their – as they thought – lost souls.”
They had other things to do now, in the name of the Sylvanas.
I could be wrong, but I thought there was only one Sylvanas. If so, that should be “...in the name of Sylvanus.”
“We do not enjoy looking into the past”, answered the captain, “but I believe five years have past since those tragic events”, he said with a grim smile whilst pronouncing the word ‘tragic’, “but why do you ask?”
This seems like it should be three sentences, with the first break after “events” and the second after “the word ‘tragic’,” though the second part will need some rewording to stand on its own.
Silence was broken only when the grey, ruined walls of the old capital city showed themselves out of the fog.
I’d replace “showed themselves” with something else, perhaps “emerged,” because it sounds odd with “out of the fog.” It also suggests that the city walls are animate, which could be an interesting thing to play up, but with just this, it feels a little out of place to me.
“Then you should stand fast, brother.”
“Stand fast” sounded a bit weird to me, since it’s normally used to mean “to hold a position,” often against an attack. I think it works, technically, but you may want to choose something that is a bit closer to what you mean in its most common usage.
“Now it is only a deformed and abandoned shell; within its core we shall find the Undercity, the new capitol, of the Forsaken.”
“Within its core” sounded off to me, since you also describe the city as a “shell,” which suggests that it is hollow inside. I might reword that as simply “inside, we shall find...” Also, the comma after “capitol” is unnecessary.
“It is the cold that has gripped all out hearts”, said the captain, “but you must use that cold to your advantage.”
That should be “our hearts.”
“You know nothing of them of course, but the dark lady is sure that you are destined for greatness.”
There should be a comma after “them.” Also, if “the dark lady” is a title, then it should be “the Dark Lady.”
“For that I congratulate you.”
He said nothing.
There should be a blank line in between these sentences.
The old king’s darkened throne room had a silent resonance to the sound of their skeletal movements, but it still possessed a certain kind of majesty, despite the gruesome circumstances.
“...had a silent resonance to the sound of their skeletal movements” was confusing. I think you meant something about how the acoustics of the room affected the sound of them moving, but I can’t be sure...I’d see if you can’t reword this so that it’s a little clearer.
He looked at the two towering monstrosities guarding the entrance; he remembered them; they used to be his tools of culling when he was a slave to the scourge.
I’d try to reword this to eliminate one of the semicolons here, probably the first one. This is grammatically correct, I think, but multiple semicolons in a sentence are sometimes a sign that the sentence is too long or isn’t arranged well.
Abominations, they were called by men, but he could only see the sad fate of many, sowed together into one single horrible being, the true abomination was Kel’thuzad, for having created such a creature.
The first part should be “...but he could see only...,” and the comma after “being” should be a period or a semicolon, because you change subjects from “he” to “the true abomination.”
“Perhaps that notion amongst the undead sounds strange to you, but despite our non-living form, we have adopted the ways of the living.”
I’d drop “non-living,” because it’s implied by the context of the sentence and bringing it up again feels a little redundant. Also, “form” should be “forms.”
“Our entrance in the horde”, he continued, "marked a new age for our race, we are no longer alone.”
“The horde?”
The comma after “race” should be a semicolon, as the captain switches subjects there (from “entrance” to “we”) and therefore the parts before and after could each be complete sentences on their own. For that reason, a comma is inadequate. There should also be a line break between these two sentences, and “horde” should be capitalized, as it refers to a specific group as opposed to just a horde in general.
“You speak of the times when you were human; they have been the only ones that have offered us help.”
Minor nitpick: that should be “the only ones who have offered...”
“Without them the scourge would have devoured us by now.”
There should be a comma after “them.”
The captain laughed: “you forget what you are, undead.”
The colon here should be a period, I think, with the first “you” starting the next sentence.
He lowered his head in sign of defeat.
That should be “...in a sign of defeat.”
Words of impetuosity were not part of his skills when alive, and they weren’t in death.
I’d suggest cutting this sentence entirely, because it’s quite evident from his actions that he isn’t big on conversation, and this is also pretty awkward in terms of wording.
They proceeded slowly as they frequently stopped because of everyone saluting the captain.
There should be a comma after “slowly,” and the end of the sentence sounds awkward to me. I can’t say exactly why it seems off to me, but I’d suggest playing around with it to see if you can’t find another wording that you like.
He didn’t mind though, he kept looking around himself, gazing with wonder at the life that the undead city was showing.
There should be a comma before “though,” and the one after “though” should be a period or a semicolon. Also, “was showing” seems like it could be better as “showed,” since this “life” is almost certainly very active and “was showing” can sound a bit more distant and, well, passive.
The years under the scourge’s control made him think that the undead, himself included, were doomed to solitude, but it was not so, the city was filled with life, not only the movements of the undead, but the constant orc, troll or tauren travellers; sometimes prisoners of war would be brought through, to everyone’s delight.
The comma after “but it was not so” should be a period or a semicolon.
They passed through the city’s streets, over its canals, until arriving at the Royal Apothecary, where Sylvanas Windrunner, the dark lady of the Forsaken, awaited.
“Awaited” should either be “waited” or “awaited them.” Also, “until arriving” may be correct, but it sounds awkward to me. I might change it to “finally arriving” or “until they arrived,” though you probably could keep it as it is, too.
He looked at his right, seeing the dread lord, Varimathras.
That should be “He looked to his right.”
”Traitor!” He wanted to shout, but then he remembered who he was fighting for now.
The first “he” here should be in lowercase, since this should be all one sentence.
“If you are referring to my old jailor (he was going to say master), then yes, I killed him.”
I might word this in the following way:
“If you are referring to my old jailor” – he was going to say master – “then yes, I killed him.”
The reason I like this construction better is because the part in parentheses can’t be mistaken as something that was actually said aloud. Though it’s pretty clear from the context that the parenthetical phrase is from the narrator, not Ardent, this could be rather confusing on a first read.
“I am-” he stopped as he found that he could not remember his name.
This is technically two sentences, so the first “he” should be capitalized.
“In order the serve us with the best of your abilities you need a new existence, a new name.”
That should be “In order to serve us to the best...”
He stood there a moment and thought, then he raised his head high and said: “I want no other name than my first one, but seeing that I can’t use that one, I choose to bare no name.”
That should be “...bear no name.”
Overall, I think the plot looks good, and I’d be interested in finding out where you’re planning to take this. I do think, though, that this could use some polishing and revision, though. It’s not bad as it is, but it could definitely be a smoother read. Good luck with your writing, and thanks for posting!
godofgods
09-06-2006, 14:17
post the next part please, i'm intrigued
Ok, sorry if my reply was delayed but I was kinda busy with the school ending and all, but anyway, thanks for taking your time and reviewing the first chapter.
Now, to clear a few points.
[/quote]Grammatical stuff aside, I wasn’t sure what this part was supposed to mean for Ardent until much later in the story, and even then, I don’t think it works. You say that he’s been under his master’s power for five years; having that control break after just a few words does not read well. If the owner of the voice is a really powerful wizard, for instance, then give the reader some hint towards that power, and that this isn’t just some random person managing to get in his head for a second.[/quote]
Well, when I first starting writing this story I was writing it for WoW players, so I didn't for a second think about anyone that might have not played Warcraft 3 or WoW, although I strongly reccomend you do so (warning: highly addictive games). So someone that already has experience with the games and their lore will know who it is, espescially because the undead captain tells them who it was, mentioning a certain "dark lady", therefore, anyone who has played WoW beyond level 10 will know who Sylvanas Windrunner aka the Dark Lady is. And I'm not saying that she just said: "hey, wake up it's time to kill people". It was a process that took time and effort, and that i'm going to reveal during the rest of the story.
[/quote]I could be wrong, but I thought there was only one Sylvanas. If so, that should be “...in the name of Sylvanus.” [/quote]
Ok, that was my mistake:P I probably made some changes to that sentence and then I forgot to delete "the".
[/quote]Stand fast” sounded a bit weird to me, since it’s normally used to mean “to hold a position,” often against an attack.[/quote]
Yes, I'm aware of that, too, but in this case I wanted to use it in a more mental/psycological sort of way.
[/quote]“...had a silent resonance to the sound of their skeletal movements” was confusing. I think you meant something about how the acoustics of the room affected the sound of them moving, but I can’t be sure...I’d see if you can’t reword this so that it’s a little clearer.[/quote]
That's exactly what I meant. I'll try to change that to see if I can make myself clearer.
Anyway, thanks again for the review. Your help is greatly appreciated, and by the way, should you be interested in reading some Warcraft lore you can find it here (http://www.worldofwarcraft.com/info/story/chapter1.html;jsessionid=16A1A274E02B80452D6D28646 5ADFBA7.app04).
And now, the 2nd chapter, enjoy:grin:
2
“Ardent?” Sylvanas asked somewhat confused.
“It's the name I want”, answered the other. “Though my body shall forever lay cold, inside me the thirst for vengeance burns; it is my only reason for existence”, he added, “and I shall see that my revenge comes to pass, no matter what.”
“And to whom will your vengeance be directed?” It was Varimathras who asked the question. ”I expect you will not start roaming the countryside killing farmers.”
“Your questions amuse me, Varimathras”, retorted Ardent.
The dreadlord’s eyes shrank.
“My vengeance is only for those who have offended me”, Ardent said quietly. “The Scourge, The Silver Hand, Stormwind”, he concluded.
“Your answer was not necessary”, said Sylvanas.
“Clearing your motives is always necessary to assure the less trusting parties that your allegiance is true”, he replied as he looked at the dreadlord. He certainly remembered how easily Varimathras had changed sides when the undead civil war began.
“Captain”, said Varimathras, “do take the new recruit and show him to his quarters.” The captain nodded and told Ardent to follow him. They both left the room in silence.
Sylvanas turned to Varimathras: “He has a brash character.”
“Yet he is wise enough not to defy me openly”, replied the other.
“Worthy of his old position”, she commented.
“Perhaps too worthy; how do you know he won't betray you?”
“He will hold his allegiance because it is to his advantage. Only a fool would throw away this opportunity.”
Moments later, Ardent and the undead captain were walking down one of the corridors leading out of the Undercity.
“Where are we heading?” Asked Ardent.
“We are going to Brill”, the captain answered him. “We a few things to pick up there.”
“Like what? I’ve got everything I need right here.” He pointed toward the rusty weapons roughly tied to his belt.
The captain laughed and pointed out that it would take more than a few swords to perform his duties. “The weapons we will be picking up are the product of the finest crafting.”
“A few fancy blades won’t impress me.”
“Those aren’t just a few ‘fancy blades’, Ardent. Those blades we’re made specifically for you. They will be your tools throughout the journey we’re about to undertake.”
“Journey? Where are we going?”
“Our first stop will be the Bulwark.”
“The Bulwark?”
“I see there are many things you do not know yet, but honestly I am surprised you can’t remember the Bulwark, even though you have passed through our defences unharmed many times.”
“There’s nothing I can do about it”, replied Ardent.
“Then know that the Bulwark was named well. It is a rampart that defends the entrance into the Western Plaguelands. Many have died trying to pass beyond its guards.”
“Plaguelands? Maybe you should teach me a lesson on modern lore sometime", he added chuckling.
The captain paused for a moment as they left the Undercity and took the road for Brill.
“There are two Plaguelands: the Western Plaguelands and the Eastern ones. They used to be the regions around Andorhal and Stratholme, but they were so corrupted by the undead plague that the land has literally died, however, they are nothing like the Tirisfal Glades. They are amongst the most dangerous regions of Azeroth. Surely you must have some recollection of Stratholme, and Naxxramas, Kel’thuzad’s Necropolis.”
“I have no clear recollection of my existence as a slave to the Scourge, but I remember something about my past life, even if very vague.”
“Does the name ‘Brill’ tell you anything?” Asked the captain.
“I remember something about Brill, yes, I think I met my wife there”, continued Ardent. “She was terribly beautiful; we married soon after we met. I think our wedding took place in the capital city, with the blessings of king Terenas; I was one of his lieutenants or something. It’s all very blurry. I know we lived happily”-he stopped for a moment-“until the day Arthas started his rampage.”
The other sighed. He didn’t like sad stories, but he couldn’t really do much to stop Ardent.
“Curse him! She was in Stratholme when Arthas came. I had received a letter in which she told me that our son had been born safely.” His voice became bitter. “Not a week after, lord Uther arrived with a host of knights telling the king that Arthas had burnt down Stratholme and that the boy was mad and that he would have to be stopped.”
“I don’t know why all these details are coming to me now, but I feel like my blood is boiling, even though I have none.”
“I understand your feelings”, said the captain. “Many still feel like you, and will continue to do so. Perhaps it is our punishment for passed sins. Tell me the rest of your story. Maybe it will make you feel better.”
“Allright”, he replied. ”I volunteered to go there after him, hoping that I would get a chance to kill that monster, but I was not chosen. Instead, I was sent to search Stratholme for survivors. When I arrived there, I was horrified; Stratholme was reduced to rubble: the houses were burnt, the walls destroyed, the scent of rotting human flesh filled the air; my head started spinning at gazing such a horror; I ran towards the house where my beloved should have been, and instead of it, I found...I found a smoking mound of human corpses, and on top of it…the body of my wife, holding our son.” Ardent burst into tears.
And the captain, who knew all too well how he felt, said quietly: “Not even a child was spared by Arthas; madness had taken him before he even laid his eyes upon the rune blade, Frostmourne.”
“That accursed blade!” Cried Ardent. “I wish it had never been forged! I wish Arthas had never been born! Damn him! And all the Menethils and their honoured paladins! I shall see every last one of them die at my feet before my turn will come; that I swear to you!”
“The time for vengeance shall come, but for now, I suggest you take care of the task at hand”, said the captain.
“I will not do your petty chores”, the other replied menacingly.
The captain laughed and pointed towards a lone sign post. “We’re here. Brill is just ahead.”
The two entered the village with tired feet, and Ardent, who was ready to start fighting, suddenly remembered something. “You”, he turned to the captain. “Wait, I think I know who I was, I think I was a… a pa-“ but he couldn’t utter another word, he found himself in pain. His head hurt him so much he couldn’t do anything but drop on his knees and put his hands to his forehead. The captain then quickly kneeled beside him, grabbed his hands and made Ardent look at him.
“Ardent, the pain, how strong is it?” But Ardent didn’t answer. Not being able to use his hands, he had started moaning and babbling.
“I see”, said the captain with a sigh, and thought: “It’s already started, eh? She doesn’t have much patience.” He then freed Ardent’s hands and left him lying on the ground, still moaning and babbling.
After making sure there was no one around he drew out his sword and pointed it toward his companion. He closed his eyes and raised his weapon, ready to kill, but as he contracted his decayed muscles he felt a crippling pain in his feet and clumsily fell to the ground.
“What in Sylvanas’ name do you think you’re doing?” It was Ardent that asked the question. He had regained control of himself just as the captain was getting ready to swing and with a quick and fluid motion he grabbed one of his short swords and hurled it toward the other, hitting his left ankle.
“Ardent? Are you well?”
“Am I well? Are you? You were going to kill me!”
“I never had the intention to kill, but to prepare myself, in case of…”
“In case of what?”
The Captain sighed again. “The Dark Lady has warned me about your transition.”
“What about my transition?”
“These fits will return, and they will be increasingly more violent, but they will stop once you will have become perfectly conscious.”
“Are you trying to say that I’m asleep right now?”
“In a way, yes, but Ardent, please, there will be a better time to discuss these matters, just have a little patience.”
“You sound more like a servant than like a warrior”, commented Ardent, but the captain pretended not to have heard him, simply saying to himself-but loud enough for Ardent to hear: “the things I do for Sylvanas…”
The blacksmith’s shop was a meagre building which lacked any door, or almost any piece of wood at all. It was composed solely of a roof, the furnace under it, and four walls made of stone. The doorway led whoever entered the shop directly in front of the smith’s apprentice, or in front of the blacksmith himself.
"Greetings", said the captain as he intruduced Ardent to the others.
"Greetings", replied the smith and his apprentice.
The blacksmith looked towards Ardent and smiled slyly, then he looked at one of the boxes lying next to him and drew out of it a steel broad sword, whose hilt was decorated with too huge blood rubies. He smiled confidently and handed it over to the warrior: “Try this one; perhaps it will be suitable for you.”
Ardent took the sword and swung it few times, slashing the air with great elegance.
“Try it on my armour”, said the captain. “We shall see how well these weapons are forged.”
“I assure you that any piece of metal that leaves my shop can deal or prevent death in a most impressive manner”, replied the blacksmith, but as he gazed upon the other’s armour and noticed he couldn’t recognize the alloy it was made of, he started to doubt his words.
“It may be so”, said the captain, “but let us test it on something a little tougher than the normal fibre. Hit me as well as you can, Ardent.” The other nodded, then unleashed a flurry of heavy blows upon the chest of the captain, yet, only the clings of the metal attracted their attention, since the captain seemed to be impervious to the attack. A few seconds later Ardent had finished striking and they examined the breastplate: hardly a dent was put in it.
The blacksmith seemed puzzled. “Perhaps you should try this.” He gave the undead a great two handed sword which seemed forged for the sole purpose of cutting down Kalimdorian rain forests. Ardent began hitting the captain’s chest again. This time the captain seemed more tense than before, but the armour was still undamaged.
“You need to do better than that”, said the captain smiling grimly.
The blacksmith was starting to panic; it would be a disaster for his shop if he were unable produce a weapon that was capable to stun the opponent for even a second.
“Let me choose my weapons”, said Ardent, “I’m sure I will be able to find the one suitable for me.”
“Go ahead”, the blacksmith replied, “but I know my weapons best, and I know which are the most deadly.”
“But you don’t know me, and so, you do now know which weapons become more deadly in my hands.” He then scanned the weapons on display and fixed his gaze upon a short sword. “I want that one, he said, and another one identical to it.
“It is the only one of its kind”, said the blacksmith, “but it is a rogue’s weapon; note the curved shape of the blade, and the enchantments it possesses.”
“But it isn’t a dagger”, replied Ardent, “it’s a sword, a short one, but nonetheless a sword, and a warrior’s weapon, my kind of weapon.”
“Very well”, said the blacksmith, “I shall see that another be made for you, but please test it first.”
“I’ll need another sword for my left arm.”
“This one will do the job nicely, I presume”, said the smith as he handed him another short sword.”
Ardent looked at the captain: “Brace yourself”, he said menacingly, and for a moment it seemed the captain was alarmed. He let himself loose with a whirlwind of strikes and attacks, one more deceiving than the other; he moved his hands with incredible speed, yet the blades were firmly held and the strength with which his attack were carried on was stunningly great: within seconds the captain was on his back, Ardent’s blades touching his throat.
“Impressive”, said the captain as he rose up. The armour was bent in many places and the captain seemed to have difficulty moving around.
“Those blades are deadlier in your hands than in the hands of any rogue.” He said.
“I’m glad to see my death hasn’t made me lose my skills. I know I strived much to reach this level of mastery.”
“Well, it is clear to me now why the dark lady has chosen you, Ardent: you are a natural killer.”
(to be continued)
godofgods
13-06-2006, 14:15
Very good,
But i'm wondering does drizzt make an appearance in your story?
Very good,
But i'm wondering does drizzt make an appearance in your story?
I'm afraid Drizzt (the forgotten realms hero right?) would pwn everyone if that happened.
RevenantsKnight
25-06-2006, 18:30
A few things before I get started on the chapter:
Well, when I first starting writing this story I was writing it for WoW players, so I didn't for a second think about anyone that might have not played Warcraft 3 or WoW, although I strongly reccomend you do so (warning: highly addictive games). So someone that already has experience with the games and their lore will know who it is, espescially because the undead captain tells them who it was, mentioning a certain "dark lady", therefore, anyone who has played WoW beyond level 10 will know who Sylvanas Windrunner aka the Dark Lady is.
Not to put it too bluntly, but you did post this to a Diablo-based forum, not a Warcraft one. Also, does Ardent have a good reason to have heard of the Dark Lady? If not, the captain could do a quick bit of explaining as they head to the city, thereby filling in both the character and any non-playing readers.
And I'm not saying that she just said: "hey, wake up it's time to kill people". It was a process that took time and effort, and that i'm going to reveal during the rest of the story.
Fair enough. It's probably good that you don't reveal it all at the start, though I would suggest that you hint towards this process, or at least the Dark Lady's power, in that initial scene so as to keep readers from thinking what I did at first: that the voice's command felt too weak to trigger the reaction that it did.
Right then, here I go!
"Ardent?" Sylvanas asked somewhat confused.
There should be a comma after "asked."
"It's the name I want", answered the other.
The comma here should go inside the quotation marks, not outside. As a general rule, punctuation at the end of a spoken part goes inside the quotation marks. Since this seems to occur everywhere in your story and is a pretty easy fix, I won't note further examples of this error, but would suggest that you look this over for those mistakes. Additionally, I'd suggest reading over later pieces and checking for this error before posting them. Let me know if you need some more help with that.
"Though my body shall forever lay cold, inside me the thirst for vengeance burns; it is my only reason for existence", he added, "and I shall see that my revenge comes to pass, no matter what."
This felt a bit overdone in terms of the drama to me, mostly because it's heavy on the absolute words and phrases. While this may be an accurate portrayal of what's going through Ardent's head at this point, it sounds too grandiose for normal speech and so makes him seem a little comical. Personally, I'd suggest cutting "it is my only reason for existence," because it doesn't tie into the rest of the sentence too well, and perhaps changing "Though my body shall forever lay cold" to something more factual, such as "Though my body is cold..."
"And to whom will your vengeance be directed?"
That should be "And at whom..."
"Your questions amuse me, Varimathras", retorted Ardent.
"Retorted" sounded wrong here, given the context. Normally, that verb suggests more anger than Ardent's response would suggest, so I'd use something else instead, perhaps just "said."
"Clearing your motives is always necessary to assure the less trusting parties that your allegiance is true", he replied as he looked at the dreadlord.
The wording of Ardent's speech here sounds rough to me; the "Clearing your motives" and "the less trusting parties" parts in particular were clear in their meaning but rather awkward to read. I don't have a specific suggestion for this, but it'd probably be worthwhile to just try and revise this some more.
He certainly remembered how easily Varimathras had changed sides when the undead civil war began.
I take that this dreadlord is another Frozen Throne/World of Warcraft character? If so, I'd suggest dropping a few more hints about what he's done and what he's like here and when he first appears, so that non-players and folks with bad memories can get a slightly better idea of just how powerful this guy is. Also, it's probably worth mentioning that I didn't catch the fact that he's a dreadlord until this chapter; the "dread lord" part in the first chapter and the spelling of his name made me think "Arthas" -> Death Knight.
The captain nodded and told Ardent to follow him. They both left the room in silence.
If you want to work with the "silence" part of this more, I might change the first sentence to something like "and motioned for Ardent to follow him."
Sylvanas turned to Varimathras: "He has a brash character."
Just a thought: it may be worthwhile to break up the conversation every now and then by describing one person's reaction or facial expression at a particular moment. This isn't really necessary, but I think it might help create a scene in the reader's mind, because as it is, the conversation goes by pretty quickly, perhaps too quickly to feel natural and engaging. This applies generally as well; a lot of your conversations are just a back-and-forth, which leaves much detail hidden from the reader by its nature. That's a good thing in some cases, certainly, but if you're trying to paint scenes here, I don't think it's the best way of doing that.
"Where are we heading?" Asked Ardent.
"Asked" should be in lowercase here, as this all one sentence.
"We are going to Brill", the captain answered him.
"Him" is unnecessary here.
"We a few things to pick up there."
Did you mean "We have a few things to pick up there," perhaps?
He pointed toward the rusty weapons roughly tied to his belt.
Minor nitpick: that should be "tied roughly."
The captain laughed and pointed out that it would take more than a few swords to perform his duties.
I think that saying everything after "laughed" is a bit redundant, since the dialogue that follows conveys a similar meaning. I'd remove it, and in general, I'd suggest avoiding this sort of summary of speech if there's also a spoken part with it...if that made any sense. :tongue:
"Those aren't just a few ?fancy blades', Ardent. Those blades we're made specifically for you."
I'd use "these" instead of "those," because "those" is normally used to refer to an object that has been seen by the person being addressed (Ardent, in this case.) Also, "we're" should be "were," as the former is the contraction of "we are." "These blades we are made specifically for you" doesn't work, so "we're" is incorrect here.
"Plaguelands? Maybe you should teach me a lesson on modern lore sometime", he added chuckling.
There should be a comma after "added."
"There are two Plaguelands: the Western Plaguelands and the Eastern ones. They used to be the regions around Andorhal and Stratholme, but they were so corrupted by the undead plague that the land has literally died, however, they are nothing like the Tirisfal Glades."
This is good, in that it helps fill in a few blanks for non-playing readers while still seeming very natural in the story because it's something Ardent doesn't know.
"Does the name ?Brill' tell you anything?" Asked the captain.
"Asked" should be in lowercase here. Question marks as parts of speech, as in this case, function like commas in that phrases like "he asked" can come directly afterwards without needing a new sentence.
"I remember something about Brill, yes, I think I met my wife there", continued Ardent.
I think the comma after "Brill" should be a semicolon.
"I think our wedding took place in the capital city, with the blessings of king Terenas; I was one of his lieutenants or something."
"King" should be capitalized, because it's a title here.
"I don't know why all these details are coming to me now, but I feel like my blood is boiling, even though I have none."
The "even though I have none" part sounded awkward to me; I'd see if you can find a description that has less of this sort of conflict with Ardent's current state.
"Allright", he replied.
That should be "All right."
Ardent burst into tears.
Since you've been careful to note what Ardent doesn't have anymore, such as blood, this sounded rather odd because the idea of a corpse actually shedding tears is weird. I'd change this to something more like "started sobbing," which is more of a vocal thing and therefore more plausible (at least, it is to me.)
"That accursed blade!" Cried Ardent.
"Cried" should be in lowercase here. In speech, exclamation points, like question marks, do not end sentences if followed immediately by something like "he said."
"I shall see every last one of them die at my feet before my turn will come; that I swear to you!"
I think that should be "before my turn comes."
The two entered the village with tired feet, and Ardent, who was ready to start fighting, suddenly remembered something.
The "who was ready to start fighting" part was confusing, in that it doesn't really fit with the rest of the sentence in terms of meaning. It may be factually true, but I don't see how that point relates to the rest of the sentence; given that, this felt awkward. Also, do undead, or rather Forsaken, actually feel fatigue? "Tired feet" seemed a bit out of place to me, what with their condition...
"Wait, I think I know who I was, I think I was a? a pa-" but he couldn't utter another word, he found himself in pain.
The commas after "who I was" and "word" are comma splices. The first one could probably become a semicolon, and the second probably needs to be revised a bit.
His head hurt him so much he couldn't do anything but drop on his knees and put his hands to his forehead.
That should be "His head hurt so much that he couldn't do anything but drop to his knees..."
After making sure there was no one around he drew out his sword and pointed it toward his companion.
There should be a comma after "around," and "drew out" could be simply "drew."
"What in Sylvanas' name do you think you're doing?"
That should be "Sylvanas's name."
It was Ardent that asked the question.
That should be "who asked," and I might reword this part so that it isn't a standalone sentence, since it seems a little off to me, somehow...can't say why, exactly.
He had regained control of himself just as the captain was getting ready to swing and with a quick and fluid motion he grabbed one of his short swords and hurled it toward the other, hitting his left ankle.
I'm not sure about this, but I think there should be a comma after "motion."
"In a way, yes, but Ardent, please, there will be a better time to discuss these matters, just have a little patience."
I'd make the comma after "matters" a period, just because this seems a little too much like a run-on sentence to read smoothly.
"You sound more like a servant than like a warrior", commented Ardent, but the captain pretended not to have heard him, simply saying to himself-but loud enough for Ardent to hear: "the things I do for Sylvanas?"
I'd suggest breaking this into two sentences, since this really is a lot for just one; a good place to do this might be after "commented Ardent." Also, the "simply saying to himself-but loud enough for Ardent to hear" should be "simply saying to himself, though loudly enough for Ardent to hear," and the "the" in the captain's speech should be capitalized.
The blacksmith's shop was a meagre building which lacked any door, or almost any piece of wood at all.
That should be "...meager building which lacked a door..." and I'm not sure how exactly to reword the ending part, but it does need some revision. If you meant that there was no wood at all, something like "...which lacked a door; in fact, there was hardly any wood at all" might work, perhaps, though even that sounds a little odd.
The doorway led whoever entered the shop directly in front of the smith's apprentice, or in front of the blacksmith himself.
This was a bit confusing...not sure what you meant here.
"Greetings", said the captain as he intruduced Ardent to the others.
That should be "introduced."
The blacksmith looked towards Ardent and smiled slyly, then he looked at one of the boxes lying next to him and drew out of it a steel broad sword, whose hilt was decorated with too huge blood rubies.
That should be "two huge blood rubies," I think. Also, "whose hilt was decorated" seems like it should be "its hilt decorated" to me.
"It may be so", said the captain, "but let us test it on something a little tougher than the normal fibre."
"Fibre" (or "fiber") sounds odd to me in this case, since his armor is metal and metal does not normally have fibers in the way that, say, plant material would. I'd
The other nodded, then unleashed a flurry of heavy blows upon the chest of the captain, yet, only the clings of the metal attracted their attention, since the captain seemed to be impervious to the attack.
I think the comma after "captain" should be a semicolon.
A few seconds later Ardent had finished striking and they examined the breastplate: hardly a dent was put in it.
That should be "hardly a dent had been put in it" or perhaps "he had made hardly a dent in the armor," since what little damage there is to the metal occurred in the past relative to this moment.
This time the captain seemed more tense than before, but the armour was still undamaged.
"More tense" seems like it should be "tenser."
"You need to do better than that", said the captain smiling grimly.
There should be a comma after "captain."
"Let me choose my weapons", said Ardent, "I'm sure I will be able to find the one suitable for me."
I think the comma after "Ardent" should be a period, since each spoken part could stand as a complete sentence on its own.
"But you don't know me, and so, you do now know which weapons become more deadly in my hands."
I think you meant "...you do not know which weapons..."
"I want that one, he said, and another one identical to it.
This should be punctuated as follows: "I want that one," he said, "and another one identical to it."
Ardent looked at the captain: "Brace yourself", he said menacingly, and for a moment it seemed the captain was alarmed.
I'd make the colon here a period, because there are really two separate ideas here. Also, I'd reword the end of the sentence to remove "it seemed" because that sort of phrasing is inherently uncertain, which can make narration weaker.
He let himself loose with a whirlwind of strikes and attacks, one more deceiving than the other; he moved his hands with incredible speed, yet the blades were firmly held and the strength with which his attack were carried on was stunningly great: within seconds the captain was on his back, Ardent's blades touching his throat.
"One more deceiving that the other" seems wrong, in that it implies that Ardent makes only two attacks; I'm not sure exactly how you could reword that, but it does seem misleading as it is. Also, "his attack were carried on" should be "his attacks were carried out."
The armour was bent in many places and the captain seemed to have difficulty moving around.
For reasons mentioned earlier, I'd revise this sentence so that you can drop "seemed."
"Those blades are deadlier in your hands than in the hands of any rogue." He said.
"He" should be in lowercase, for reasons discussed previously.
"I know I strived much to reach this level of mastery."
"Well, it is clear to me now why the dark lady has chosen you, Ardent: you are a natural killer."
This didn't quite make sense to me; if Ardent says that he had to work long and hard to attain his skills, how does that make him a "natural" killer? I'd find that description much more applicable if he were able to do this after, say, only a few years.
Anyway, this looks like a good start, though there's definitely some editing needed at various places. Thanks for posting!
ok then, had some technical problems so I couldn't go online for a while
before I post the 3rd i want to make a few comments:
[/quote=RevanantsKnight]Not to put it too bluntly, but you did post this to a Diablo-based forum, not a Warcraft one. [/quote]
touché:grin:
[/quote=RevanantsKnight]I think that saying everything after "laughed" is a bit redundant, since the dialogue that follows conveys a similar meaning. I'd remove it, and in general, I'd suggest avoiding this sort of summary of speech if there's also a spoken part with it...if that made any sense.:tongue:[/quote]
it did actually
[/quote=RevanantsKnight]This is good, in that it helps fill in a few blanks for non-playing readers while still seeming very natural in the story because it's something Ardent doesn't know.[/quote]
to be honest, i was avoiding this kind of thing specifically because i was initially writing for people had already played warcraft3/wow and I didn't want to bore them with all that information that to them would be useless (i know i always fall asleep on my keybord when reading the same old things about akara/kashya:P) but now I suppose I'll be providing a lot more insight on Azeroth.
[/quote=RevanantsKnight]The "who was ready to start fighting" part was confusing, in that it doesn't really fit with the rest of the sentence in terms of meaning. It may be factually true, but I don't see how that point relates to the rest of the sentence; given that, this felt awkward. Also, do undead, or rather Forsaken, actually feel fatigue? "Tired feet" seemed a bit out of place to me, what with their condition...[/quote]
yeah, I agree with you here, however, according to blizzard, they do:D and since I can't go against their writers I have to go with the flow...
[/quote=RevanantsKnight]
Quote:
Originally Posted by sarz
The doorway led whoever entered the shop directly in front of the smith's apprentice, or in front of the blacksmith himself.
This was a bit confusing...not sure what you meant here.[/quote]
well, i decided to reword the whole paragraph a bit, and I completely deleted that
[/quote=RevanantsKnight]"Fibre" (or "fiber") sounds odd to me in this case, since his armor is metal and metal does not normally have fibers in the way that, say, plant material would.[/quote]
i'm not sure about this but i think that technically metal has fibre/fiber, i might change it though since i was thinking of 'fibre' as in 'material'
[/quote=RevanantsKnight]
Quote:
Originally Posted by sarz
"I know I strived much to reach this level of mastery."
"Well, it is clear to me now why the dark lady has chosen you, Ardent: you are a natural killer."
This didn't quite make sense to me; if Ardent says that he had to work long and hard to attain his skills, how does that make him a "natural" killer? I'd find that description much more applicable if he were able to do this after, say, only a few years.[/quote]
hmm, i see what you mean; i'll try to change that a little then
and I wanted to ask you something reguarding the characters' speach: i know that dialogue is usually written using the rational thoughts that characters have and putting them into viable sentences, however, what if a character is, say, under stress, angry, afraid, and so his thoughts aren't exactly rational; in this case instead of using an adverb or saying "he was angry/whatever" to portray how the character was speaking, can't I use punctuation? a kind of verbal stream of conciousness, in other words
hope that made sense:tongue:
all right, 3rd part:
III
“You still haven’t told me what plans Sylvanas has in store for me,” said Ardent impatiently.
“It is not my place to tell you, warrior,” answered the captain.
Several hours had passed since their meeting with the blacksmith, and now they were on their way to the Bulwark. They had left Brill in haste to reach the Bulwark as soon as possible. Ardent, especially, wanted to get there quickly. He knew he would find out more about his task once there, but his impatience got the best of him, and now, he was attempting another stab at the captain’s refusal to say anything before ‘the time comes’, as the later answered every other time Ardent asked any questions regarding himself or his mission.
“Will you at least tell me your own name?” Ardent insisted.
“There is still much humanity left in you, lad.” said the captain. “You are too curious for a true undead.”
Ardent laughed. “Sailors sing that dead men tell no tales to pass the time, but you are exaggerating; now please tell me your name; I am tired of calling you ‘captain’.”
“Then let me introduce myself formally to you.” The captain performed a low bow and saluted him in the military fashion humans used to salute. “I am Razen Fors, captain of the elite death stalkers,” he said as he touched his temple with the tips of his fingers. “It is a pleasure to meet you Ardent; but that’s only human etiquette,” he added.
“So, finally I find out your identity,” replied the other with a keen smile. “I know your name. You were a famous swordsman. Every knight in the land dreamed of being trained by you; and you were a man of honour as well. It surprises me to see you like this. How did you end up in the service of the forsaken?”
“Alas, my fighting prowess did me no good against the infected grain from Andorhal; I fell victim to the plague and became as I am now. If I hadn’t lost my sense of remorse I would have gone mad because of my dreams. I’ve slain many innocents in his name, including my family. May he be damned for all eternity,” he cried.
“And he will,” said Ardent, “maybe not by my hand or yours, but he shall suffer a fate far crueller than ours.”
“Your human nature amuses me, Ardent, even though you have been dead for so many years, you do not act like one of us; you are truly strange.”
They carried on walking towards the Bulwark. Ardent would be garrisoned for a few weeks at the Bulwark; and from there they would carry out raids against the Scourge to retake Andorhal, and kill any allied party they might encounter.
“There’s something that makes me nervous,” said Ardent suddenly feeling awkward and uneasy. “I feel as if something bad is about to happen.”
“There isn’t anything to worry about, my friend, the Tirisfal Glades are firmly in our grasp, and strictly watched; there is no danger here.” The captain said it with conviction, and although Ardent knew that Fors was not mistaken, he couldn’t shake the feeling of being in danger.”
“I feel as I was in the grasp of my enemies,” replied the warrior. It was the human left inside him that made him feel that way.
“Perhaps it is true,” answered the captain.
Ardent looked suspicious. Fors pointed towards the north. “Across this forest lays the Scarlet Monastery; it is held by fanatic humans. They pose a threat both to us and to the alliance: they kill on sight. Only their members are excluded from the same judgment, but soon we shall take it for ourselves,” he added with a reassuring smile.
“I remember waking there,” said Ardent faintly.
“Indeed you have been awoken there,” confirmed the captain.
“I saw bodies, many bodies; and I was the killer, wasn’t I?”
“We cannot know that; you must remember by yourself.”
“That’s what I want to do, but I’m afraid my lost memories remain potential nightmares; I don’t know what I might find out. Perhaps I don’t even want to know.”
Razen Fors seemed strangely paternal; he looked at him and said: “For the Forsaken the past is something they can do without, something they bury willingly, but some have pasts that cannot be buried, pasts that come at them from behind; perhaps yours is such a past.”
“Such pasts often lead to self destruction,” replied Ardent.
“You have already died once, warrior. Death should not stop you from pursuing the truth.”
“You’re right, of course,” he answered. “But I still feel…not at ease.”
At that remark the captain remained silent, speaking only after they walked a few miles. “I, myself, felt strange, when I first woke,” he began. “I was appalled of what I had become. Terror grasped me, but she, the Dark Lady, was there to soothe my mind. It was like my wife had come to help me through my struggle; I felt was warmth, and reassurance, and comfort. I soon gained control over my abilities; and so shall you, with a little patience.”
“But how come I do not feel soothed? I feel out of place, a stranger. It isn’t pleasant, Fors.”
“The Dark Lady must have decided that your awakening would have to be completed by yourself; she can only take you so far; you must take the final steps.”
“You speak wisely for a swordsman and a guard,” commented Ardent.
The captain laughed. “I was not always a warrior; but that is a story I shall save for other times.” Ardent nodded.
As they walked on, getting closer to their destination, the rushing sound of hooves drew their attention, and soon enough, a galloping horse emerged from the darkness of the trees. The two travellers gazed in front of them, as the horse slowed down and stopped right in front of them. On top of the beast there was a rider.
“Hail, Razen Fors! I was told that you would be on the road.”
“What hails?” Fors asked curiously.
“Grave news,” the rider answered grimly. “The scourge has begun a massive assault on the Bulwark! We are greatly outnumbered and we need all the help we can get to hold out.”
“Then head to the Undercity, request a regiment of the death guards; here, take this ring.” He handed the rider a small skull ring, with a strange glow to it. “But take heed: do not lose it!”
“I shall not fail!” The rider said and with a final wave of the hand he bid them farewell and left.
Razen Fors looked at Ardent; he had a wicked look in his eyes. “Onward! The Bulwark is under attack and we must lend aid!”
RevenantsKnight
31-07-2006, 00:42
A quick technical note: the opening tag for a quote on the forum doesn’t have a “/” before the quote=name part.
to be honest, i was avoiding this kind of thing specifically because i was initially writing for people had already played warcraft3/wow and I didn't want to bore them with all that information that to them would be useless (i know i always fall asleep on my keybord when reading the same old things about akara/kashya:P) but now I suppose I'll be providing a lot more insight on Azeroth.
Yeah, the whole “been there, done that” feeling can be a problem for these situations. What I do is to try and hint at the game facts without listing them explicitly, and also adding on a few original details about the subjects in question (this may or may not work; I don’t think anyone with no Diablo experience has read the relevant pieces and commented on this.)
and I wanted to ask you something reguarding the characters' speach: i know that dialogue is usually written using the rational thoughts that characters have and putting them into viable sentences, however, what if a character is, say, under stress, angry, afraid, and so his thoughts aren't exactly rational; in this case instead of using an adverb or saying "he was angry/whatever" to portray how the character was speaking, can't I use punctuation? a kind of verbal stream of conciousness, in other words
hope that made sense
I think it made sense; guess we’ll find out if it did. :grin: First thing off, you can certainly use punctuation however you wish; it’s your story, in the end. That’s always a good thing to keep in mind when processing comments on writing. All I do is offer opinions, not laws.
That said, a big (if not the main) benefit of standard punctuation use is so that the reader can clearly understand what’s written. A, sentence” or something; written like. this is almost certainly going to trip up some folks for a second, and if your dialogue is full of this, then your audience may find it unreadable. Bending the rules can be useful at times, but be careful not to overdo it, lest you find your readers moving on.
As for dialogue under pressure, technically incorrect or garbled wordings such as “Tell that bastard to get up that hill, set up his gun and sit on it” are often fine, because people aren’t always perfectly coherent in every situation; technically, “it” in the above sentence refers to the gun, not the hill, but I’d imagine that the actual meaning was clear. The best thing to do here is see if they sound odd enough to trip up the reader. If not, you may well get away with it. This also applies generally, though with slightly different purposes; something like “They was robbed!” would be perfectly appropriate dialogue if the speaker doesn’t have perfect grammar. That can be useful for suggesting various elements about a character. However, “They was robbed” is probably never appropriate for third-person narration.
Okay then, on to part 3: I thought that this felt pretty clean than the previous chapters, both in terms of flow and mechanics such as grammar and spelling, so nicely done. Having this be just about Ardent and Razen Fors talk about their past makes this a little slow, though I have no problem with that and personally like seeing more character development. It did, though, feel a little disembodied, in that there’s very little on the world around these two characters, or even on what they do other than talk. Dialogue is definitely an essential part of a story like this, but it alone can’t make a scene as well as description. Given that, I’d suggest expanding this a little bit. Some specific comments:
Several hours had passed since their meeting with the blacksmith, and now they were on their way to the Bulwark.
A general thought on this chapter as a whole: there’s not really much description of the setting, which is nice in a way because there’re no distractions from the conversation, but I think that you could probably keep this focus while adding in a bit more on the world around them, so that this reads more as a scene. The beginning’s a good place to drop in a sentence or two, though if you can weave in hints throughout the dialogue, that would also work well.
Ardent, especially, wanted to get there quickly.
“Especially” seemed a bit odd grammatically here, though the meaning is fine; I might drop the commas before and after it, because as it is, it doesn’t seem natural to pause at either point.
He knew he would find out more about his task once there, but his impatience got the best of him, and now, he was attempting another stab at the captain’s refusal to say anything before ‘the time comes’, as the later answered every other time Ardent asked any questions regarding himself or his mission.
“Later” should be “latter,” and the comma after “comes” should be inside the quotes. More generally, this felt like the narrator was doing a bit too much explaining to me; I’d think that you could convey Ardent’s impatience through the way he acts or speaks instead of just saying that “his impatience got the best of him,” and you did already use “impatiently” in the first sentence, so this felt overdone. Also, the part after that doesn’t really feel necessary to me. I mean, I think it’s pretty clear from the previous part that Ardent doesn’t know what’s in store for him.
“Sailors sing that dead men tell no tales to pass the time, but you are exaggerating; now please tell me your name; I am tired of calling you ‘captain’.”
I’d make the semicolon after “exaggerating” a period, since Ardent changes topics after that point.
The captain performed a low bow and saluted him in the military fashion humans used to salute.
The end of this sentence feels a little redundant to me, so I’d see if you can’t trim it down a touch. I might word this as “...saluted him in the human fashion,” since “used to salute” seems unnecessary and the reader could probably imply that this is a military form of greeting from the context.
“It is a pleasure to meet you Ardent; but that’s only human etiquette,” he added.
There should be a comma after “you,” and the semicolon here should be a comma, I think.
“Every knight in the land dreamed of being trained by you; and you were a man of honour as well.”
The semicolon here should be a comma.
“Alas, my fighting prowess did me no good against the infected grain from Andorhal; I fell victim to the plague and became as I am now.”
I might add a sentence before this one describing Razen Fors’s reaction or something like that; as it is, just having dialogue after dialogue, especially in blocks of this length, can start to feel a bit disconnected from the speakers and the world around them.
“I’ve slain many innocents in his name, including my family.”
Given as Razen Fors says that he no longer has any sense of remorse, it might be interesting to focus on his expression as he says this. Also, who’s the “he” mentioned here? I assumed it was the Lich King (I think that’s Ner’zhul’s new title, anyway,) but if that wasn’t who you meant, you may need to be clearer.
“And he will,” said Ardent, “maybe not by my hand or yours, but he shall suffer a fate far crueller than ours.”
That should be “crueler,” unless the double L is an accepted spelling in the Queen’s English or something like that.
“Your human nature amuses me, Ardent, even though you have been dead for so many years, you do not act like one of us; you are truly strange.”
The comma after “Ardent” should be a period or a semicolon, probably a period due to context.
Ardent would be garrisoned for a few weeks at the Bulwark; and from there they would carry out raids against the Scourge to retake Andorhal, and kill any allied party they might encounter.
Since Ardent does not yet know what his duties at the Bulwark are, I’d avoid telling the reader this in narration, because it feels like an awkward shift from when Ardent was asking unsuccessfully. The reader will learn this when Ardent does anyway. Also, “allied party” seems like it should be “Alliance parties” or something like that; the word “allied” itself and the fact that it’s in lowercase implies that the groups in question are allies, that is, friends, of the Forsaken, which doesn’t make a lot of sense.
“There’s something that makes me nervous,” said Ardent suddenly feeling awkward and uneasy.
There should be a comma after “suddenly.”
The captain said it with conviction, and although Ardent knew that Fors was not mistaken, he couldn’t shake the feeling of being in danger.”
There are extraneous quotation marks at the end of this sentence.
It was the human left inside him that made him feel that way.
I didn’t like this because it felt too bluntly said. This is definitely a subjective point, but I dislike having elements such as this, particularly ones pertaining to a character’s emotions and thoughts, explained through narration because it feels strongly artificial. I mean, most events in life rarely have a third party that adds interpretation of what happens in the moment, and so this sort of narration highlights the fact that I’m reading something off my computer screen as opposed to being in the scene. It may well be different with others, but I say that if I can lose myself in a story, then it must be engaging enough to be good.
Moving on from that mini-rant...
“Across this forest lays the Scarlet Monastery; it is held by fanatic humans.”
That should be “lies,” not “lays.” Also, I think “fanatic” should be “fanatical,” though what you have may be correct.
“They pose a threat both to us and to the alliance: they kill on sight.”
I’d capitalize “Alliance” in this case, since it’s a proper noun.
“Indeed you have been awoken there,” confirmed the captain.
That should be “Indeed, you were awoken there.”
At that remark the captain remained silent, speaking only after they walked a few miles.
I’d maybe break this up into multiple sentences, because having one sentence bridge a few miles’ worth of walking feels a bit awkward to me. This might be a good time to drop in a little description of the scene around them, or of either Ardent or Razen Fors, so that there’s some feeling that time has passed between Ardent’s speech and Razen Fors’s eventual reply.
“I, myself, felt strange, when I first woke,” he began.
The comma after “strange” is unnecessary.
“I was appalled of what I had become.”
That should be “...appalled by what...”
“It was like my wife had come to help me through my struggle; I felt was warmth, and reassurance, and comfort.”
I think “I felt was” should be either “what I felt was” or simply “I felt.”
“I soon gained control over my abilities; and so shall you, with a little patience.”
The semicolon here should be a comma.
“I feel out of place, a stranger.”
Technically, this should be something like “...out of place, like a stranger,” though I’d say that this is an instance where a slightly incorrect bit of dialogue feels just fine in context. If you want to suggest that Ardent is educated or well-spoken, then you may want to correct this; if not, it’s probably fine as it is.
“The Dark Lady must have decided that your awakening would have to be completed by yourself; she can only take you so far; you must take the final steps.”
I’d replace the semicolon after “yourself” with a period, because a full stop after that would add extra emphasis to that first part instead of it being all mixed in with the rest.
“I was not always a warrior; but that is a story I shall save for other times.”
The semicolon here seems like it should be a comma.
The two travellers gazed in front of them, as the horse slowed down and stopped right in front of them.
The comma after “them” is unnecessary.
On top of the beast there was a rider.
I’d suggest describing the rider a little more, at least enough so that it’s evident that he’s friendly. I assume he’s also Forsaken, but since you don’t have any detail on him, I can’t be sure...that might be a good thing to note, just so there’s no ambiguity.
“The scourge has begun a massive assault on the Bulwark!”
I’d capitalize “Scourge” because it’s a proper noun.
“Then head to the Undercity, request a regiment of the death guards; here, take this ring.”
I’d replace the comma after “Undercity” with an “and,” though that’s just me.
He handed the rider a small skull ring, with a strange glow to it.
The comma after “ring” is unnecessary.
“I shall not fail!” The rider said and with a final wave of the hand he bid them farewell and left.
“The rider” should be in lowercase, and “the hand” should be “his hand.”
Razen Fors looked at Ardent; he had a wicked look in his eyes.
I’d try to condense this a little, since it feels repetitive to use “look” twice in one sentence and to have two independent clauses on Razen Fors in this manner. The second part here could probably be attached onto the first as “...looked at Ardent, a wicked light flashing in his eyes” or something along those lines.
Overall, I thought this was a solid bit of material, though it could be a bit better tied into the story’s world, I’d say. Still, I thought this was a pretty good read. Thanks for posting!
A quick technical note: the opening tag for a quote on the forum doesn’t have a “/” before the quote=name part.
Thank you! It was starting to get a bit frustrating.
A general thought on this chapter as a whole: there’s not really much description of the setting, which is nice in a way because there’re no distractions from the conversation, but I think that you could probably keep this focus while adding in a bit more on the world around them, so that this reads more as a scene. The beginning’s a good place to drop in a sentence or two, though if you can weave in hints throughout the dialogue, that would also work well.
yeah, I noticed that, too, my conversations go pretty much back and forth, but I'm working on it;), i've inserted some description along this part, though there really isn't much to describe, to put it bluntly it's just dead trees'n'stuff, it doesn't change much, though I admit I could do a better job if I tried harder
Okay then, on to part 3: I thought that this felt pretty clean than the previous chapters, both in terms of flow and mechanics such as grammar and spelling, so nicely done.
Progress! *parties all night long*
That should be “crueler,” unless the double L is an accepted spelling in the Queen’s English or something like that.
well my word processor, which is Microsoft Word, hasn't marked it as a mistake or anything like that when I checked so I presume it's accepted
Since Ardent does not yet know what his duties at the Bulwark are, I’d avoid telling the reader this in narration, because it feels like an awkward shift from when Ardent was asking unsuccessfully.
thanks for mentioning it, i'd accidently let that one slip by
That should be “lies,” not “lays.”
*gasp* and I usually make sure I don't make that kind of error
all right then, it's time for the next part! I feel that this part will probably have some "who did what" issues, since there is a fighting scene and the characters are still nameless (yes, anonimity fascinates me)
4---------
The fire burnt slowly as the circle of warriors gathered around its flames and the drums thumped ritualistically as the shamans chanted in preparation for the upcoming event, a duel, but not just any duel, a challenge between two of the strongest orc clans: The Warsong Clan and the Blackrock Clan.
The shaman walked out of the circle and put himself in front of the flames. He held out his hands and beckoned the others to stay silent, and as soon as the loud voices of the orcs had disappeared into the night he spoke out to them: “Tonight, my brethren, the Warsong clan,” he pointed towards a huge orc with many scars across his body and a particularly ugly looking one across his forehead, “challenges the Blackrock clan,” he pointed towards a smaller and slimmer orc, clad in a grey scale mail armour.
The orc warriors cried out to exalt the coming battle. The shaman left the improvised arena and gave place to the fighters. The Blackrock orc rose first. He was carrying a broad steel sword and a round wooden shield. He walked to the middle of the arena, by the fire. The flames made his eyes shine, and they shone with the light of someone who desired blood. The giant Warsong orc rose as well; he turned for a moment to grab his weapon, a large two handed axe. He grabbed it and then he noticed a tall shadow on the ground. He looked up and saw the slim figure of a troll in front of him. “Good luck, mon,” the troll said. “I hope you beat him down fast, real fast.” The great orc said nothing and turned around, entering the arena accompanied by the thumping of his feet.
The slimmer orc got ready for the assault. He raised his shield and readied his sword for a swift counterattack. The greater brandished his great axe and struck the ground powerfully, making the earth quake after the blow. He was a fierce warrior, one like the orcs hadn’t seen since the death of Grom Hellscream, leader of his clan, the Warsong.
Yet the Blackrock orc showed no reaction. He stood there as if nothing had happened, waiting for the fierce attack of the Warsong representative. He knew his opponent would seek to kill him and claim his head as payment for the dishonour that the Blackrock clan had brought upon the Horde. The towering orc stopped for a moment and, for the first time, he spoke: “You blood drenched Blackrocks are an insult the horde and to the warchief! And whoever insults our new warchief, Thrall, son of Orgrim Doomhammer, shall have to face the wrath of the Warsong!”
The orcs around him started cheering and shouting: “The Warsong! The Warsong!” The names of two of their greatest warchiefs, Thrall and Orgrim Doomhammer, had excited them to the point when not even the elder far seer could make them stop yelling.
“Let the drums sing the Warsong,” called out the far seer, and the drums soon started to thump again, to the metal clinging of the warriors’ weapons. The two orcs would fight for the honour of their clans, and in the name of the warchief, who several years ago had rallied the remaining clans and, through countless perils and great dangers, took them to the forgotten lands of Kalimdor, where they now lived.
The Blackrock had a hard time dodging or blocking the Warsong’s strikes, let alone attack. He had hardly swung his sword a few times in the whole fight, yet he didn’t seem worried at all; perhaps he was sure that he would win, or maybe he had accepted his fate. In any case, the Warsong was dominating the arena with his wide and powerful swings, giving the Blackrock no time to breathe or rest.
The battle was constant and neither one of them seemed to be tiring; the great axe of the giant orc collided with the ground every time it was directed towards the other one’s throat, but the Blackrock as well was unable to hit the Warsong. It was a difficult battle; any mistake could cost them their lives and they both knew it.
“Why won’t you die?” The Warsong orc shouted as he struck the air, once again missing his opponent.
“Those whose honour does not wane shall be protected by the gods,” answered the Blackrock, almost religiously.
“What god would protect your demon worshiping hide?” The Warsong yelled with fury and then he struck again, breaking the Blackrock’s shield to splinters. “What honour have the Blackrocks brought to the horde through the worshiping of demons? Answer me that, coward!”
“I have not offended you or your clan in any way! I worship no demon! I believe only in my weapon, and in the Warchief!”
“Do not speak his name! It is unworthy of your filthy tongue! How many times have you whispered prayers to them? Well, demon puppet?”
“Watch your tongue, dog!” The Blackrock orc knew he wasn’t helping himself by insulting his opponent, but at least he could buy himself some more time.
The giant orc suddenly stopped moving. “Then tell me, demon puppet, what makes you worthy of our honour?”
“I descend from a noble family,” started the Blackrock, surprised of getting a chance to explain himself, “who has never lowered itself down to the worship of such foul creatures. I am pure blood! The mannoroc blood haze has never had any hold over me!”
“Don’t lie to me, demon worshipper,” bellowed the Warsong orc. “I know you’re not telling me the truth.”
“Then let the blood flow and let us see who is pure,” yelled the Blackrock orc as he raised his sword.
“So be it!” The great orc threw himself upon the Blackrock cleaving everything in his path with his great axe. He felt blood boil in his veins; he wanted the Blackrock’s head culled, he wanted to put his skull besides the others he had collected throughout the battles fought as a Warsong Outrider, though he doubted the value of such a trophy. Still, he could think of nothing but the Blackrock’s death; every breath he took was spent trying to kill him, but the smaller and faster orc always managed to escape death, either by jumping out of the way, or ducking before the blow fell. At least he knew that if the smaller orc tried to parry, he would break his body as well as his blade in half.
“You aren’t tiring, are you, Warsong,” asked the Blackrock after noticing that that his adversary’s breathing had become heavier.
“Speak no more, coward!” The Warsong warrior then hurled his axe towards with incredible strength: the Blackrock was saved more by accident than by his skills. He tripped over a stone, just in time to dodge the great axe, which could have easily cleaved his head of his shoulders.
The Warsong orc was not discouraged though. He picked up the remains of the shield discarded by his Blackrock adversary and threw himself on top of him; hitting the other repeatedly until the Blackrock orc had dropped the sword as well, then he put his hands around his throat and started strangling him. The circle of warriors became small to the point that the fighters would have no room to manoeuvre should the battle recommence. They were calling out to the glory of the Horde and the strength of the Warsong Clan, who were indeed the greatest warriors of the Horde.
The Blackrock orc was nearly dead. His vision was slowly fading, giving space to the darkness that was gathering around him; soon he would be dead, soon he would dishonour his name, but just as he was losing his will to fight and was losing his grip on the Warsong’s arms, a faint hope lit: another warrior had thrown a blade on the ground, near him. Instinctively he reached out to it and grabbed it, and then he plunged it into the Warsong’s chest. The massive orc rose up and let loose a cry of pain, yet he seemed unstoppable; he put his hands on the blade, and even though the pain was great, he extracted it and threw it to the ground spitting on it. “Is this how you hope to win, coward?”
The Blackrock seemed desperate. He tried to grab his shield again, but the Warsong showed him no quarter: the huge orc ran towards him and grabbed him again, lifting the unarmed warrior in the air. He prepared his massive fist for the final blows. The Warsong would strike the Blackrock with his bare hands until he would be dead. He retracted his arm, cracking his knuckles as his fist took the shape of a large rock.
“Stop!” It was the voice of the far seer that commanded. “This fight is no longer valid,” he said. “The Blackrock representative has proved that he is pure, and the other has proved that the Warsong clan it is truly the strongest clan. Let there be peace.”
The Warsong orc looked at the shaman somewhat surprised. He knew that the Blackrock had proved himself a worthy foe and that he had shown great resourcefulness, yet he still asked himself whether his opponent should be left alive, after all, for all they knew, the Blackrock orc could be a spy sent by the humans.
The shaman motioned to the both of them and they approached the old orc with a certain amount of hesitation. The far seer beamed at them and spoke using a paternal tone: “You two have fought a battle so fierce that its kind rarely seen, even by orc eyes.” He put his hands on the Blackrock orc’s shoulders. “I know you come from Lordaeron, and I know you passed though great danger to get here,” he said as the Warsong orc scowled. “You, outrider,” he turned to the Warsong orc, “are something short of a legend amongst our clans, therefore I will not say anything more; your opponent will hear much of your exploits during his stay here at the Crossroads.”
“I dare say he will,” added the giant orc, looking somewhat smug.
The far seer gave him a scolding look and then gazed at the wound across his chest. “You should get that taken care of,” he said and pointed towards a small hut which bore a large sign that read: Healer – Potions and Bandages. The Warsong orc left them without question, and as soon as he had entered the hut, the shaman patted the Blackrock orc on the back and laughed heartily. “A fine battle, a fine battle indeed! You have proved to be an able warrior, and a worthy opponent, even for our giant over there,” he said happily, and then, noticing the confused look on the Blackrock orc’s face he added: “You see, I couldn’t tell him” – he pointed towards the healer’s hut – “what he hasn’t figured out for himself, yet. He must learn to respect his opponents, and to be a little less proud.” The Blackrock orc nodded comprehensively. “And here he comes; I will leave you so he can speak freely.”
The Warsong warrior approached the other and stretched out his hand. The Blackrock orc grabbed it and so, they shook hands. “You have been a real pest in the arena,” started the giant orc, “and I must admit that not many could have lasted as much as you did.”
The Blackrock orc felt happy about the peace between them: “And I too must admit that I was ready to give up and die; you are too strong for me…ah, I realize only now that I do not know your name, Warsong.”
“My clan has called me Grom the Youngling; they say it is because I seem to possess the great strength of the legendary Grom Hellscream.”
“That may be, but I have never fought against the fierce Hellscream, the one who killed the foul pit lord Mannoroth and released us from our century long curse, and so I cannot say I know his strength, but yours seems great enough to challenge our old master.”
“I will never match his prowess in battle, said Grom, but I hope that I will at least be given a good death.”
“Then let it be known that when Grom the Youngling shall fall before his enemies, Ul’dran the Swiftsword shall be by his side!”
The two shook their hands warmly and looked towards the other warriors: “There is peace between our clans!” They announced, and then started walking toward the inn for a drink, as any orc would do after a fight like that.
“I’ll never understand how you orcs can fight to deh death and den be deh best of friends.” The troll that said it was the same one that had wished the Warsong good luck.
“The reason is simple,” said Grom to the troll, looking as friendly as ever. “It is said that you can never know another person well until you have fought against him.”
“Well, I wish you’ll never know me completely; dat’s for sure!” Grom and Ul’dran laughed. “And by deh way, my name’s Xen’jin; I’m one of deh hunters stationed here in deh Crossroads.”
“Throm’ka,” they saluted. ”It was good to meet you, Xen’lo, but now we have other things to do; we shall meet again.”
“Now just hold on a minute, mon. You didn’t seriously think I’m talkin’ to you right now just because I like deh way you fight, did you? I got orders; from Orgrimmar.”
“Orders? For me?”
“For both of you,” replied the troll. ”But these are matters best discussed in other places; follow me.”
The two orcs followed the troll into the local inn, where they sat down before the fire and awaited their orders in silence. They couldn’t imagine what orders they could possibly receive from Orgrimmar. The capitol city meant the warchief, and they laughed at the thought of being taken into consideration by the warchief, Thrall.
Xen’lo finished drinking his mug of ale and, after wiping his mouth clear of the foam, decided to give the orcs their orders.
“Listen up, you two; deh warchief’s impressed with your accomplishments, and so, he wants to give you a special assignment.”
“Accomplishments? I have done nothing great for the horde, except for slaughtering any impudent night elf that dared cross our borders,” said Grom.
“Neither have I,” seconded Ul’dran. “There must be a mistake.”
“Are you Grom deh Youngling and Ul’dran deh Swiftsword?”
“Yes,” they replied in chorus.
“Then you must be tellin’ me that deh warchief’s wrong, since I haven’t got the wrong orcs. Ul’dran, didn’t you survive four years in the Alterac mountains, with nothing but your sword to keep you company?
“I did.”
“And you, Grom deh Youngling, didn’t you fight countless battles in the Warsong Gulch, and didn’t you slay many elves? Deh scars you wear across your body are proof of that.”
“I have done only what any orc would have done for the horde.”
“But deh difference, mon, is that you did all that a lot better than most orcs. You, mon, are alive after all that killin’, and that makes you a hero of deh horde, and the warchief recognizes great warriors when he sees one.”
“I have nothing else to say,” replied Grom. “If the warchief grants me such an honour, I will not be foolish enough to refuse it.”
“That’s just great, mon; Now, deh orders. Listen closely: You two, are to go to deh Bulwark, in the Tirisfal Glades, on the border with deh Western Plaguelands, where deh Scourge is currently laying a massive assault. Once we get there we’ll be given further instructions from one of deh undead officials.”
“It will be a great distance to travel,” said Grom.
“Even greater dangers to pass through,” added Ul’dran.
“You’ll be doin’ it all for deh warchief; and I’m goin’ with you, too. Deh warchief wants someone with more experience with you.”
“How much time have we got until we leave?” asked Grom.
“You got until tomorrow mornin’; we’ll be travellin’ by zeppelin. Get some rest,” he said finally as he left the inn.
-----------to be continued
RevenantsKnight
28-08-2006, 02:06
On Chapter 4: overall, this was an interesting shift, and I think that it worked as a character introduction. In terms of improvements, I thought the biggest trouble spots here were the transitions and detailing of the battle, though not because of any “who did what” issues. Rather, it felt to me that the narration jumped between events without giving the reader a clear idea of the events unfolding; for instance, I was never really sure when the duel actually started.
Unfortunately, that's all I've got for now, and that may be it for a while. Hope that helps.
RevenantsKnight
12-09-2006, 03:26
Gah...sorry it took me so long to get the specifics out. Anyway:
The fire burnt slowly as the circle of warriors gathered around its flames and the drums thumped ritualistically as the shamans chanted in preparation for the upcoming event, a duel, but not just any duel, a challenge between two of the strongest orc clans: The Warsong Clan and the Blackrock Clan.
While technically correct, “ritualistically” sounded odd to me in this particular instance. I’d suggest removing it from the sentence, since it’s also a bit redundant given the context. Also, the “The” before “Warsong” shouldn’t be capitalized.
He held out his hands and beckoned the others to stay silent, and as soon as the loud voices of the orcs had disappeared into the night he spoke out to them: “Tonight, my brethren, the Warsong clan,” he pointed towards a huge orc with many scars across his body and a particularly ugly looking one across his forehead, “challenges the Blackrock clan,” he pointed towards a smaller and slimmer orc, clad in a grey scale mail armour.
“Beckoned” sounds like the wrong verb to me, since it usually means a signal to approach. I’d use “motioned” in this case, personally. Less importantly, “disappeared” might or might not be better off as something else, because it suggests a visual image and sounds cannot be seen; it does make your point clearly, though. Also, the “a” before “grey scale mail” is unnecessary.
The orc warriors cried out to exalt the coming battle.
By itself, this sentence seems fine, but almost all the other sentences in this paragraph are structured very similarly; they start out with the subject-verb pairing and many are focused on one or two actions. This makes the paragraph read a lot like a list of actions, so I’d suggest varying the sentence structure every couple of sentences and perhaps combining one or two together.
The shaman left the improvised arena and gave place to the fighters.
“Gave place” felt awkward to me, and it also seems a bit redundant given the rest of the sentence. I might drop that last part entirely or reword it somehow.
He grabbed it and then he noticed a tall shadow on the ground.
The sentence before this one implies that he picked up his axe already, so saying “He grabbed it” here was a little awkward.
The slimmer orc got ready for the assault. He raised his shield and readied his sword for a swift counterattack.
This is one possible instance where two sentences could be combined to reduce the number of full stops and therefore give this a little more of a flow. Instead of using a period, you could replace it with a comma and word the rest of the sentence as “...raising his shield and readying his sword for a swift counterattack.” Also, “got ready” sounds a bit too informal as well as a little repetitive with “readied” later in the sentence, so I’d replace it with something else, perhaps “braced himself.”
The greater brandished his great axe and struck the ground powerfully, making the earth quake after the blow.
I think that should be “...with the blow” at the end there. Also, I think you technically need something like “orc” after “greater.”
He was a fierce warrior, one like the orcs hadn’t seen since the death of Grom Hellscream, leader of his clan, the Warsong.
I think you could cut everything after “Hellscream,” since all the rest of that drags down the sentence’s pacing a little. Additionally, “one like” sounds weird to me; I’d word it as perhaps “the likes of whom.”
The towering orc stopped for a moment and, for the first time, he spoke: “You blood drenched Blackrocks are an insult the horde and to the warchief!”
“Blood-drenched” is one hyphenated word.
“Let the drums sing the Warsong,” called out the far seer, and the drums soon started to thump again, to the metal clinging of the warriors’ weapons.
This seems too subtle for the beginning of the fight; the first time I read this chapter, I didn’t even realize that the orcs had started fighting until the next paragraph. As mentioned previously, there were a few understated parts and sudden shifts like this one, which were the main cause of confusion for me here. Also, “clinging” read weirdly to me, since I thought you meant “holding tight” at first, as that’s the usual meaning of the word. I’d use something else here to avoid confusion. Finally, I don’t think the comma after “again” is necessary.
The two orcs would fight for the honour of their clans, and in the name of the warchief, who several years ago had rallied the remaining clans and, through countless perils and great dangers, took them to the forgotten lands of Kalimdor, where they now lived.
I think the history details after “warchief” are good ideas, but they seem out of place here, in that they slow down the flow and pacing of the battle. Certainly, it’s worthwhile to remind the reader of some things from the game, but this doesn’t seem like the right moment for that.
The Blackrock had a hard time dodging or blocking the Warsong’s strikes, let alone attack.
As it is, “had a hard time” and “let alone attack” don’t quite seem to work together to me. I’d reword the first part to “had barely enough time to dodge...,” perhaps.
He had hardly swung his sword a few times in the whole fight, yet he didn’t seem worried at all; perhaps he was sure that he would win, or maybe he had accepted his fate.
“A few times” is unnecessary here, and “in the whole fight” seems like it should be “during the whole fight.”
The battle was constant and neither one of them seemed to be tiring; the great axe of the giant orc collided with the ground every time it was directed towards the other one’s throat, but the Blackrock as well was unable to hit the Warsong.
“As well was” should be “was also,” I think.
Mechanics aside, the image you describe here is a little confusing; an axe-stroke aimed at the throat seems like it would be horizontal, so the blade ending up in the ground was very odd.
“Why won’t you die?” The Warsong orc shouted as he struck the air, once again missing his opponent.
The first “the” should be in lowercase.
“What god would protect your demon worshiping hide?” The Warsong yelled with fury and then he struck again, breaking the Blackrock’s shield to splinters.
See above comment. Also, I think “demon-worshiping” is the correct spelling, though I’m not entirely sure (it’s not exactly a word that comes up often...:tongue:)
“I have not offended you or your clan in any way!”
This part in general felt too removed from the scene itself because it’s a rather long stretch of dialogue and nothing else. I mean, from the narration right before this, all the reader knows is that the Warsong fighter just broke his opponent’s shield. That’s a rather dramatic moment, and leaving it hanging here feels awkward. I’d suggest adding in some narration describing the two warriors at points here, even if it’s just a quick look at their reactions, so that there’s more of a connection between these words and the rest of the scene.
“I descend from a noble family,” started the Blackrock, surprised of getting a chance to explain himself, “who has never lowered itself down to the worship of such foul creatures.”
I’d use “began” instead of “started,” since “started” has also the meaning of twitching in surprise. Given the context, that second reading seems plausible enough at first, so I’d replace the word to remove ambiguity. Also, “surprised of” should be “surprised at,” I think.
“The mannoroc blood haze has never had any hold over me!”
“Mannoroc” seems a bit questionable because its meaning isn’t particularly clear even if the reader remembers who Mannoroth was. I’d try rewording this to use the demon’s actual name, as opposed to a derived adjective.
“Don’t lie to me, demon worshipper,” bellowed the Warsong orc.
As previously mentioned, I’d hyphenate “demon worshipper.”
The great orc threw himself upon the Blackrock cleaving everything in his path with his great axe.
There should be a comma after “Blackrock,” and I’d change “upon” to “at,” because as it is, it implied to me that he slammed into the other orc. That might just be me, though.
“You aren’t tiring, are you, Warsong,” asked the Blackrock after noticing that that his adversary’s breathing had become heavier.
The comma after “Warsong” should be a question mark.
The Warsong warrior then hurled his axe towards with incredible strength: the Blackrock was saved more by accident than by his skills.
I think the colon should be a semicolon, and there should be something like “his enemy” after “towards,” because right now you don’t say at what the Warsong orc is throwing his axe. Alternatively, you could just delete “towards.”
He tripped over a stone, just in time to dodge the great axe, which could have easily cleaved his head of his shoulders.
That should be “...off his shoulders,” and the comma after “stone” is unnecessary.
The Warsong orc was not discouraged though.
There should be a comma after “discouraged.”
He picked up the remains of the shield discarded by his Blackrock adversary and threw himself on top of him; hitting the other repeatedly until the Blackrock orc had dropped the sword as well, then he put his hands around his throat and started strangling him.
The semicolon after “him” should be a comma.
The circle of warriors became small to the point that the fighters would have no room to manoeuvre should the battle recommence.
“Became small” sounded a little awkward to me, though I think it’s grammatically correct; you could use “shrunk” instead, if you so desire. Also, “point that” should be “point where.”
The massive orc rose up and let loose a cry of pain, yet he seemed unstoppable; he put his hands on the blade, and even though the pain was great, he extracted it and threw it to the ground spitting on it.
There should be a comma after “ground.” The second part of this sentence also feels a little wordy to me; I think you could cut everything before “even though” without really losing meaning, since “he extracted it” implies the preceding action. Also, “extracted” itself sounds a little technical, and I might replace it with a more precise wording, such as “he yanked the dagger free.”
The Warsong would strike the Blackrock with his bare hands until he would be dead.
I think “would be dead” should be “was dead.”
It was the voice of the far seer that commanded.
This sentence seems odd to me, since it feels as if there should be something after “commanded.” I don’t have any good suggestions for what to add to this, though...if you change this, I’d suggest rewording it completely.
The Warsong orc looked at the shaman somewhat surprised.
There should be a comma after “shaman.”
He knew that the Blackrock had proved himself a worthy foe and that he had shown great resourcefulness, yet he still asked himself whether his opponent should be left alive, after all, for all they knew, the Blackrock orc could be a spy sent by the humans.
The comma after “alive” should be a semicolon, I think. Also, “after all, for all they knew” seems a little redundant to me...I’d drop one of the two phrases, personally.
The far seer beamed at them and spoke using a paternal tone: “You two have fought a battle so fierce that its kind rarely seen, even by orc eyes.”
“Spoke using a paternal tone” seems a bit too much like a summary. I’d try to focus more on his voice instead of interpreting the scene for the reader; for instance, if you say that he spoke warmly and with a hint of pride, then the reader should get what you mean.
“I dare say he will,” added the giant orc, looking somewhat smug.
“Daresay” is one word.
“You should get that taken care of,” he said and pointed towards a small hut which bore a large sign that read: Healer – Potions and Bandages.
I’m not sure if using a colon here is technically correct; for a case such as this, I’d use no punctuation after “read” and put the sign’s contents in quotes. Of course, your version could well be right as is.
The Blackrock orc nodded comprehensively.
“Comprehensively” usually means “exhaustively” or “thoroughly.” I’d use a different word here so as to avoid confusion.
“And here he comes; I will leave you so he can speak freely.”
Grom’s trip to the healer seemed to be over rather quickly. Maybe it’s just me, but the speed at which he got better felt a bit forced.
The Blackrock orc felt happy about the peace between them: “And I too must admit that I was ready to give up and die; you are too strong for me…ah, I realize only now that I do not know your name, Warsong.”
Similar to a few previous points, I thought that the first part here felt too much like the narrator was explaining the scene instead of just presenting it to the reader. I have no doubt that Ul’dran would be happy with this occurrence, but I would try to show that through his reaction. I’d focus on a smile, or a nod made in greeting; with an appropriate action, the reader will get a better feel for the scene itself while also catching his feelings.
“I will never match his prowess in battle, said Grom, but I hope that I will at least be given a good death.”
There should be a set of closing quotation marks after “battle” and an opening pair before “but.”
The two shook their hands warmly and looked towards the other warriors: “There is peace between our clans!” They announced, and then started walking toward the inn for a drink, as any orc would do after a fight like that.
I’d make the colon after “warriors” a period, since all the rest of this could be one sentence. In that vein, the “They” after the speech should be in lowercase.
The troll that said it was the same one that had wished the Warsong good luck.
That should be “The troll who said it” since the troll is a person.
“Well, I wish you’ll never know me completely; dat’s for sure!” Grom and Ul’dran laughed.
The way this is worded, it sounds as if Grom and Ul’dran say this part. I’d suggest putting in a little more narration after the speech, so as to remove this possible point of confusion.
“And by deh way, my name’s Xen’jin; I’m one of deh hunters stationed here in deh Crossroads.”
Are Xen’jin and Xen’lo the same troll? It seems like you just forgot to change a name, but if they’re not, this needs some explanation.
“Throm’ka,” they saluted. ”It was good to meet you, Xen’lo, but now we have other things to do; we shall meet again.”
I’d just use “Grom” or “Ul’dran” here instead of “they,” because the image this suggests is both of the orcs speaking in perfect unison, and that’s just weird.
“You didn’t seriously think I’m talkin’ to you right now just because I like deh way you fight, did you?”
There’re a few inconsistencies here and there in the troll’s speech; if he doesn’t quite pronounce the “th” in “the” normally, he probably wouldn’t say “think,” either. Dialects and accents can be a bit of a pain for this reason, but if you’re going to use them, I suggest reading over every bit of dialogue after writing it to make sure that the accent is consistent, because otherwise it can look odd. The “th” issue in particular comes up a lot later, so I’m just going to suggest that you look over this piece for this. Let me know if you want me to point out specific examples.
“Orders? For me?”
I’d specify the speaker here, because there are two reasonable choices. While you could argue to some extent that it really doesn’t matter who says this, I think that’s a dangerous approach because you risk lumping the two orcs together as a single being in the reader’s mind. Since they’re obviously rather distinct individuals, I think that treatment would hurt your character development or at least be confusing.
“Ul’dran, didn’t you survive four years in the Alterac mountains, with nothing but your sword to keep you company?
Minor nitpick: there should be a closing set of quotation marks at the end here.
“I have done only what any orc would have done for the horde.”
“You, mon, are alive after all that killin’, and that makes you a hero of deh horde, and the warchief recognizes great warriors when he sees one.”
In both sentences, “horde” should be capitalized.
“That’s just great, mon; Now, deh orders.”
The “now” here should be in lowercase.
“Listen closely: You two, are to go to deh Bulwark, in the Tirisfal Glades, on the border with deh Western Plaguelands, where deh Scourge is currently laying a massive assault.”
“You” here should be in lowercase, and the comma after “two” is unnecessary.
“You’ll be doin’ it all for deh warchief; and I’m goin’ with you, too.”
The semicolon here should be a comma.
A note for the future: I can no longer promise that I will be able to comment with this level of detail on any further pieces. I will try to read anything you send up, though. Thanks for posting!
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