View Full Version : The Jade Talon: 47th Ronin
Hi wave: This is a sequel to the earlier story I posted, The Jade Talon (http://forums.diabloii.net/showthread.php?postid=3796760#post3796760) It's not crucial that you read it now, but I recommend trying it later :thumbsup:
This is somewhat of an experimentation for me, which you'll see more in later posts. I've got a lot of ideas that I want to get down so this first post is again just an introduction. Expect more later :p
Chapter 1
Sankekur Que Hagen,
Seven months ago, I had a dream that troubled me greatly and perhaps started this whole ordeal. I was in my room pouring over a book that had found itself in my possession. It was an ancient spellbook, one that I was unable to read, its leather cover wrapped in black and embossed with that unmistakable dull silver insignia, a pentagram. Inside its dusty, thin pages, an indecipherable language that racked my mind with questions. There was something telling me that this book was special, and that it contained mysteries of the world that were yet to be unlocked, and so, in my dream, I searched for a translator. I scoured all of Khanduras but found no one. Then I continued East through the deserts of Aranoch and across the Twin Seas to Kurast, but still to no avail. The lands were completely barren, but my sleeping brain could not register this odd fact.
Tristram. We have been the first to fall to terror and from these ashes, Sanctuary will be raised anew. You will be the bastion of darkness. Like an inverted flame, the moths of righteousness shall draw near to you. Because there is something particularly appealing about the flame. It flickers an unearthly glow. It warms your dried up wings; it salves your burning eyes.
Yet in your mind you struggle against the flame. Why? Because it is unpredictable, it is different, and it is unwanted. It illuminates your order, exposes the shadows, shattering your perfect naïve state of darkness. Afraid of the light, you cower in a hidden corner of Zakarum. And from there, you see your kingdom in its true light, exposed to the all-encompassing flame. From your vantage you can see all the cracks and shadows in the temple and ever it frightens you so. Yet to your astonishment, as you cower, your brethren seek the light, to feel its warmth on their wings. In your pitiful corner, far beyond the reaches of anything, you scorn us, deeming it brash foolishness. What do you know? Have you felt the searing heat? Have you seen the light up close?
In all your arrogance, you have tried to extinguish the light. But it thrives, so long as there is oxygen in the air. The embers of conquest grow with steadiness, and soon they will spark into a raging fire. But you’ve already anticipated this, and now here you are, sending me your gossip, tossing around the whispers of the dead! What has come to pass, you have failed to stop, and what is to come, you cannot hope to contain. At least, not from your small, intangible corner, wise one. If you really wish to persuade me, let me hear your profound words for myself. I will be waiting.
Until then,
Archbishop Lazarus
She shivered in her metallic armour and in the back of her mind, imagined a warm cigarette between her chapped lips. She clenched her teeth however, and resisted the action of rifling through her pouches for a light by grabbing a hold of her silky blood red cape in tufts, and swirling it around her quivering form. No time for a smoke, she quietly scolded herself. She couldn’t afford to let a bad habit disadvantage her.
She shivered in the cold as she made her night rounds along the battlements of the city perimeter. Perched above the thick stone palisade wall, she stared out into the darkness with brown perceptive eyes. Over the horizon, rough mountain ranges protruded through the dark blue sky and under, rugged tundra sprawled across the land, dry and barren as a desert, oddly enough. Her eyes scanned across the area routinely, but where others would ignore and subconsciously blend in details, her sharpened senses remained intact. Still, she stood idly at her post, seeing nothing out of the ordinary.
Surrounded by the stalwart barbarian sentries, she felt safe but still uneasy. Their eyes were not as keen as the deadly assassin’s, but they had become accustomed to the night watch, and they were as reliable as any other force in the world. The barbarians were always quick to welcome visitors and also quick to crush their enemies. Their cities were prone to leave the entrances guarded but not heavily enforced, and she guessed this was because the barbarians preferred open hand-to-hand combat. In that aspect she couldn’t really blame them.
A flat dirt path led travelers south, away from the highlands, skirting along the borders of Entsteig. A few very sparse trees grew along the outskirts of the city, leading to a larger evergreen forest, whistling in the wind. A full moon glared in the night sky, dropping shadows that crept across the plains in a flickering fashion. Another shiver came involuntarily down her spine; the tundra fell silent with a chill death; even nature had ceased signs of life, but she could only imagine what lurked beyond her post, waiting in the shadows. Apparently the sentries felt something too; they fidgeted with their crossbows atop the battlements with an unseen tension.
Games; that is what she played with the mages, constantly bargaining and negotiating with them, although her job would suggest otherwise. Her newest task had ended her up here, across the unyielding barbarian highlands, searching for another defect within their order. She felt a wave of vulnerability wash over her, but as her hands fell from her cape and slipped to her pockets, she caught herself in time and wound up snapping out her claws and pacing around restlessly. Yes, she had journeyed to the highlands at request of the mages and yes, she was going for a personal vendetta, but the order would fare without her, and she had begun to grow weary of its politics. Indeed, it was good to be active once again.
Hours passed without incident, but it did not quell the uneasiness in her stomach. The moon now seemed to be cloaked behind the clouds, for the sky grew suddenly pitch dark. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed a tiny shadow making its way across the terrain, a small blotch on an otherwise perfect night. She watched unblinkingly as it drew nearer and nearer with every step, angled towards the city at a relaxed, unguarded position. She wondered why this creature would travel alone so recklessly, but she already knew how to exploit the situation.
The condition had become intolerable; the windy storm had precipitated into a chaotic blizzard within minutes. And yet he stood through the biting cold winter frost and flaunted his power with injudiciousness. The elements blew past his flapping cloak and tore against his exposed skin, the chilling wind sapping the strength out of his lungs, and yet he persevered. His soul was fuelled with the raging fires of hell, and nothing in the world could extinguish it. With all the hellish energy imbued within his body, his legs unfroze, unhinged, and pumped rhythmically, propelling him deeper and deeper into the tundra, and into the heart of the storm. Closer and closer he inched to the city, the stronghold of his enemies.
A deep and dark calling bade him forward, a voice echoing deep into the recesses of his mind, one he was certain was not his own, but only he could hear. It rang through with melancholy force, jarring his senses, teasing him with glimpses of the future, and goading him on with promises, promises that even he knew would never be fulfilled. And with all the voices running through his dull brain like a river, there was one common message: continue North on your journey; travel through the highlands; your comrades await you there. He knew of all the lies they told him, this one message rang true, that his brethren lay hidden among barbarian highlands, waiting for his arrival. So he continued his journey, half loathing every unnatural step he took on the earth, and half anticipating the damnably wicked events he foresaw.
The moon reappeared from behind the clouds and bathed the field in full natural light. She stood there, shivering and waiting in grim silence. A few tense minutes of silence, and then she picked up on a faint crunching sound of boot on snow, and the rasping sounds of a man failingly trying to regain his breath. The red robes of the East, the long, gaudy magical stave, the cruel and whimsical face with slanted brows and a winding, white beard. The foreigner was unmistakably Vizjeri, the corrupt and ever-plotting mage clan. She saw the man utter a black and painful incantation and the large city gates began to tremble and slowly swing open.
Upon the stony watchtower, the barbarian sentries were alerted, and they moved in a state of silent alarm. From their posts they hid between archer slats and loaded their heavy crossbows with thick, sharp, spikes. A small torrent of muffled clicks sounded in the air as bolts were loaded and mechanisms were set. She cringed at the betraying noise but the Vizjeri seemed oblivious to them, and continued through the gates without heed.
Her heart began to pound in her chest. She frantically signaled the sentries to hold, and thankfully they listened. From a reluctant and hard-fought agreement, they had left her authority over tonight’s watch, but that meant the responsibility for this one lay solely upon her. The mage was already walking through the city gates in long strides, directly under the battlements, and she rushed down the stairs to intercept him before he escaped.
The mage strode past the open gates confidently. With every booted step he was going deeper into enemy territory, and the mage smiled at their feeble defenses. He had seen the sentries perched upon their posts, fiddling with their man-made contraptions and he laughed indignantly. Nothing could match his hell-ordained powers, especially not their pathetic implements, and he continued through the portcullis and beyond the walls indifferently.
Then something happened that the mage wasn’t expecting. As he strode past the city gates, she was waiting around the corner, almost cloaked in her black armour except for a fluttering crimson cape. The mage turned around surprisingly as she flicked her wrist towards him. Out of her sleeves, lengths of wire splayed around him, so thin that they were barely visible. They enveloped him like the many tendrils of a great deep-water sea creature, firmly latching onto his arm, and ready for the monster to devour him. The mage paused in mid-step as she tugged, the wires connecting her to his staff hand.
“Don’t move,” she said with a cold and venomous tone.
“What’s this,” the mage said in a curious voice. He gave his arm a slight tug but he was firmly latched on.
“Don’t move, Vizjeri,” she repeated.
The mage frowned and peered into the darkness.
“A mageslayer, is it? You have a dark presence about you; your weapon radiates an ill aura. I wonder…” the mage paused once again.
“Yes,” he said rasping, “That hidden weapon you carry is no other than Bartuc’s Bane. You are the one called Natalya?”
“You know of my weapon,” she replied with a sharp smile that seemed to shine in the moonlight, “Then you know that its teeth are longing for your warm flesh. How hard I must struggle to subdue it.”
But the mage, nodding smugly, would not be daunted.
“We were all there when Horazon betrayed us, and stole a piece of hellforge for himself. That one tends to overstep his bounds.”
“But enough banter,” she said, yanking on his arm, “I want to know why you have come to the highlands, and where are your kin.”
“Really,” he snarled, “Do you think you can interrogate a demon?”
“I am not hopeful of getting answers out of you, but I ask nonetheless.”
The mage jerked again mockingly as he eyed his captor.
“You really think you are in control then. How long, do you think, can these strings hold me?”
“They will kill you before you are half way through a spell.”
The mage snorted, and his temper flared. Still, he did not move.
“I ask you again, Vizjeri. What has sent you here?”
“My master has,” the mage said wickedly.
“Who,” she pressed.
“You underestimate me and I grow tired of these games. What is it that makes you think your wires will hold me? Is it magic,” the mage scoffed.
Natalya matched his glare and tightened her grip.
“No you fool; I do not use your corrupted magic. Before I send you to hell, I will explain this so that you don’t mistake me for one of your brethren. Behind me I have placed a telsa coil, which acts as a high voltage node. As of now it is grounded, but when I remove that connection, the current will course through your body, and you will die.”
The mage however, did not reply this time; his demonic mind was too forlorn with rage to comprehend. He yanked back at his stave, causing the wires to cut into his flesh and leak out black blood, and grasping it in both hands, issued a furious incantation, causing the air about him to spark and shimmer with heat. She in turn yanked her wires again, and triggered the reaction to take place. Suddenly, a rushing jolt of electricity ran through the lines, the current lighting them up and instantly disintegrating them with a sizzling zap, and then finding its way through the mage. He shuttered and convulsed violently as the electricity stopped his heart, and burned through his body. The mage collapsed, dead at her feet, his face twisted in a portrait of shock. But the sky seemed to shimmer with a red flash, as if agitated by his death. She looked up in time to see the sentries dispersing in all directions, and calling her to run. A red hot meteorite surfaced from the sky, shriveling in the atmosphere but zooming past with increasing speed, headed towards them. She furled her cape about her and ran as the projectile touched down to earth, and exploded against the city gates. I don’t underestimate anyone, she muttered, while fishing out a cigarette from her one of her pouches.
RevenantsKnight
02-01-2006, 22:27
Hrm...well, there were some good points here, though overall I had difficulty staying interested in this story for a number of reasons. The opening letter was pretty good in terms of the tone and such, I think, though it was a bit lacking in clarity at times. As for the rest, it got bogged down by some awkward wordings and grammatical misses. There’s something here, but it needs polishing to be more accessible, I think. Some specific comments:
Sankekur Que Hagen,
That should be “Sankekur, Que-Hegan.”
Inside its dusty, thin pages, an indecipherable language that racked my mind with questions.
That should be “...pages was an indecipherable...”
The lands were completely barren, but my sleeping brain could not register this odd fact.
Erm...after this point, you sort of drop the entire dream part and move on to something else. Why introduce this with the dream if it isn’t tied into the story? As it is, that switch just distracted me, since I had to go over the letter several times to see if you did finish this up.
It flickers an unearthly glow.
I think that should be “...flickers with an...,” though that doesn’t even sound quite right. I’d suggest a general revision here. Also, the flame imagery was a little confusing to me because it seems to alternate between a real flame and an “inverted flame” at times. This sentence, as well as the following one, suggest a real flame, which contradicts the idea of Sankekur as a “bastion of darkness.”
From your vantage you can see all the cracks and shadows in the temple and ever it frightens you so.
“...and ever it frightens you so” sounds odd to me. It may well be correct, for all I know, but “and ever” in particular just doesn’t seem to be the proper phrasing, if it was meant to emphasize. Not sure exactly what to suggest...
In all your arrogance, you have tried to extinguish the light. But it thrives, so long as there is oxygen in the air.
A bit of a nice phrasing, I thought, but I’d reword this to remove “oxygen.” The knowledge of the existence of oxygen seems beyond the Diablo world scientifically. You might try “so long as there is energy to fuel it” or something, since they should be aware that fire can form from mana.
But you’ve already anticipated this, and now here you are, sending me your gossip, tossing around the whispers of the dead!
A minor nitpick: I’d write out “you have,” since contractions are a bit more casual in tone, and for this, it seems like Lazarus would want to be formal to the point of menacing.
What has come to pass, you have failed to stop, and what is to come, you cannot hope to contain.
I liked this line. :)
She shivered in her metallic armour and in the back of her mind, imagined a warm cigarette between her chapped lips.
The comma after “mind” is unnecessary, unless you add one after “armour” as well.
She clenched her teeth however, and resisted the action of rifling through her pouches for a light by grabbing a hold of her silky blood red cape in tufts, and swirling it around her quivering form.
There should be a comma after “teeth,” and “blood red” should be one hyphenated word.
Perched above the thick stone palisade wall, she stared out into the darkness with brown perceptive eyes.
I’d reorder the adjectives here to “perceptive brown eyes,” since it seems more natural to hear “brown eyes” than “perceptive eyes.” Also, “palisade wall” seems redundant to me; I’d drop “palisade,” personally.
Over the horizon, rough mountain ranges protruded through the dark blue sky and under, rugged tundra sprawled across the land, dry and barren as a desert, oddly enough.
“Under” should be “beneath that,” I think. Also, the “dry and barren” aside is something that could be removed; while it is a helpful extra detail, it feels like it wanders a bit from the story here.
Her eyes scanned across the area routinely, but where others would ignore and subconsciously blend in details, her sharpened senses remained intact.
The use of “but” seems wrong to me, since there isn’t really a contrast between her scanning the area and her sharpened senses; one is more a continuation of the other. Also, I’d replace “intact” with another word, since it’s not the senses that change in either her case or anyone else’s, but the perception of the outside world.
Still, she stood idly at her post, seeing nothing out of the ordinary.
This contradicts the previous description of her walking around the battlements, since that implies that she doesn’t have a post per se.
The barbarians were always quick to welcome visitors and also quick to crush their enemies.
The class text from the Diablo II manual says that Barbarians “isolate themselves from the world outside their territories” and “are quick to thwart any incursions” into the highlands. I’d either change this or work in some sort of explanation, because as it is, this runs the risk of confusing a reader who knows the Blizzard world.
Their cities were prone to leave the entrances guarded but not heavily enforced, and she guessed this was because the barbarians preferred open hand-to-hand combat.
“Their cities were prone” seems odd to me; shouldn’t that be more “The guards were prone...,” since they are the ones actually in charge of this matter? Also, I’m not sure what you meant by “heavily enforced.” If you meant “well defended” or “fortified” something like that, I’d suggest rewording this for clarity.
A few very sparse trees grew along the outskirts of the city, leading to a larger evergreen forest, whistling in the wind.
Hrm...this was interesting, in that it suggests the forest is doing the whistling, as opposed to the wind making noise as it passes through the forest. It’s kind of a nice change, I think.
A full moon glared in the night sky, dropping shadows that crept across the plains in a flickering fashion.
Flickering shadows is an odd description, and I don’t think it works too well, since it’s hard to imagine (at least, it was for me.)
Another shiver came involuntarily down her spine; the tundra fell silent with a chill death; even nature had ceased signs of life, but she could only imagine what lurked beyond her post, waiting in the shadows.
“The tundra fell silent with a chill death” felt too unclear to me; did something die out there, or did you mean this in a “silent as the grave” sort of way? I’m guessing the latter, but the wording suggests the former, which is definitely confusing.
Apparently the sentries felt something too; they fidgeted with their crossbows atop the battlements with an unseen tension.
Seems a bit contradictory to say “Apparently the sentries felt something too” and then describe the tension as “unseen.” It feels like this should not be called apparent unless it’s noticed.
Her newest task had ended her up here, across the unyielding barbarian highlands, searching for another defect within their order.
“...ended her up here” makes it sound as if she was “ended,” or killed. I’d suggest revising this. Also, “their order” seems wrong, since it’s unclear to whom “their” refers. Did you mean “her order,” perhaps? The Assassins are, in a way, a branch of the Vizjerei...
She felt a wave of vulnerability wash over her, but as her hands fell from her cape and slipped to her pockets, she caught herself in time and wound up snapping out her claws and pacing around restlessly.
“Wave of vulnerability” felt a bit too vague, in my opinion, if you were using that to describe her urge to smoke. It’s a nice image in retrospect, but it may be too removed for some people to catch at first.
Yes, she had journeyed to the highlands at request of the mages and yes, she was going for a personal vendetta, but the order would fare without her, and she had begun to grow weary of its politics.
Minor nitpick: that should be “...would fare well enough...” or something like that.
Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed a tiny shadow making its way across the terrain, a small blotch on an otherwise perfect night.
Continuity: how could she notice a shadow if the only source of light, the moon, was hidden by the clouds? Also, “perfect night” in this context implied darkness to me, and a shadow on darkness isn’t visible anyway.
She watched unblinkingly as it drew nearer and nearer with every step, angled towards the city at a relaxed, unguarded position. She wondered why this creature would travel alone so recklessly, but she already knew how to exploit the situation.
This passage felt a bit like a list with the repeated “She [verb]” structure. I’d suggest trying to reword one of those in some other manner. Additionally, “...at a relaxed, unguarded position” sounds odd to me; I’m not sure if you meant “...in a relaxed...” as a description of his posture, or if you meant something else.
And yet he stood through the biting cold winter frost and flaunted his power with injudiciousness.
“With injudiciousness” feels unnecessary; it’s sort of implied by “flaunting,” and it also makes the end of this a bit unwieldy, I think.
His soul was fuelled with the raging fires of hell, and nothing in the world could extinguish it.
This sounds too matter-of-fact to me; while it does get this idea across clearly, it comes a bit out of nowhere, as if you just pasted it in for the reader’s information. If you can, I’d suggest trying to get across the fact that he’s affected by a demonic power through his actions or thoughts, so that it both moves the story along and describes him.
He knew of all the lies they told him, this one message rang true, that his brethren lay hidden among barbarian highlands, waiting for his arrival.
I think the comma after “true” should be a colon.
She stood there, shivering and waiting in grim silence. A few tense minutes of silence, and then she picked up on a faint crunching sound of boot on snow, and the rasping sounds of a man failingly trying to regain his breath.
That should be “a boot on snow.” Additionally, I’d try to replace one instance of “silence” here with something else; you could just reword the first one to “waiting grimly.”
The foreigner was unmistakably Vizjeri, the corrupt and ever-plotting mage clan.
That should be “Vizjerei.”
She saw the man utter a black and painful incantation and the large city gates began to tremble and slowly swing open.
Why was it “painful”? That’s a rather odd description in this case, and so might be worth some more time.
Upon the stony watchtower, the barbarian sentries were alerted, and they moved in a state of silent alarm.
I’d suggest changing the passive voice here (“were alerted”) to the active voice, since that would lend more of an immediacy to this, which seems representative of the general mood.
From their posts they hid between archer slats and loaded their heavy crossbows with thick, sharp, spikes.
The comma after “sharp” is unnecessary.
She cringed at the betraying noise but the Vizjeri seemed oblivious to them, and continued through the gates without heed.
There should be a comma after “noise,” and that should be “Vizjerei.”
She frantically signaled the sentries to hold, and thankfully they listened.
“Listened” seems like it should be “obeyed,” since she didn’t actually say anything.
He had seen the sentries perched upon their posts, fiddling with their man-made contraptions and he laughed indignantly.
There should be a comma after “contraptions,” and “indignantly” seems like the wrong word to describe this mage; he seems more dismissive towards the guards than insulted by their actions. I’d use “contemptuously” or perhaps “sardonically,” though that’s just me.
The mage turned around surprisingly as she flicked her wrist towards him.
I think that should be “...turned around, surprised, as she...”
Out of her sleeves, lengths of wire splayed around him, so thin that they were barely visible.
Er...what sleeves? You described her previously as wearing just armor and the cape, and metal armor tends to have little room between layers, since it can’t rattle around if it’s going to be effective.
They enveloped him like the many tendrils of a great deep-water sea creature, firmly latching onto his arm, and ready for the monster to devour him.
“Deep-water sea creature” seems a bit redundant to me; I’d drop “deep-water,” personally. Also, everything after “arm” doesn’t quite make sense in the context of the sentence; it doesn’t feel connected to the rest of the sentence, and Natalya is not a literal monster waiting to devour him anyway.
“Don’t move,” she said with a cold and venomous tone.
That should be “in a cold and venomous tone.” Also, I’d put line breaks in between different speakers; this part was a messy read because of the formatting.
“What’s this,” the mage said in a curious voice.
There should be a question mark instead of the comma inside the quotes.
“Don’t move, Vizjeri,” she repeated.
That should be “Vizjerei.”
“I wonder…” the mage paused once again.
This is actually two sentences, since the second part is an action that occurs just after the first part is said. Therefore, “the” should be capitalized.
“Yes,” he said rasping, “That hidden weapon you carry is no other than Bartuc’s Bane.”
There should be a comma after “said,” and “no other” should be “none other.”
“You know of my weapon,” she replied with a sharp smile that seemed to shine in the moonlight, “Then you know that its teeth are longing for your warm flesh.”
The comma after “moonlight” should be a period. After all, Natalya doesn’t run all of her words together, but presumably has a small pause after “weapon.” That pause is usually noted to the reader by a period before she begins with her next thought.
“We were all there when Horazon betrayed us, and stole a piece of hellforge for himself.”
That should be “Hellforge.”
“But enough banter,” she said, yanking on his arm, “I want to know why you have come to the highlands, and where are your kin.”
The comma after “arm” should be a period, for the reasons stated in an above comment. Also, the last part should be “...and where your kin are,” unless you intended for Natalya to have an imperfect command of the language as a character element.
“They will kill you before you are half way through a spell.”
“Halfway” is one word.
“I ask you again, Vizjeri.”
That should be “Vizjerei.”
“Is it magic,” the mage scoffed.
The comma after “magic” should be a question mark.
“No you fool; I do not use your corrupted magic.”
There should be a comma after “no.”
“Before I send you to hell, I will explain this so that you don’t mistake me for one of your brethren.”
Pet peeve: why? Why do characters in stories have to explain how they’re going to kill to their victims’ faces? Maybe it’s just me, but things in this vein almost always remind me of parodies of action films, which makes the characters seem silly. This sort of showing off is also decidedly uncharacteristic of a secret assassin unit; not only would revealing secrets be potentially damaging to Natalya if the mage survived, it’s the sort of thing that I’d imagine her training would have beaten out of her as unprofessional and inefficient. This sort of explanation can be done well, I admit; I’ve seen a few good instances of this in use, but more often than not, it just sets up another wall that you have to get past in your writing, and why make it harder for yourself?
“Behind me I have placed a telsa coil, which acts as a high voltage node. As of now it is grounded, but when I remove that connection, the current will course through your body, and you will die.”
I know the Viz-jaaq’tar use “ingenious devices” to accomplish their ends, but this is a bit much. Essentially, you’re giving the Assassins a five hundred year technological jump, at the very least. The discrepancy between this and the mostly medieval technology of everyone else is going to be one heck of a challenge to explain away. If you have a good plan in mind, I’d love to see it, though...it’d be interesting indeed. Also, I wouldn’t call it a “tesla coil” unless Nikolai Tesla existed in your Diablo world. Admittedly, not using his name creates other problems, but that’s part of what happens when you try to explain technology past a certain point: things can get messy.
The mage however, did not reply this time; his demonic mind was too forlorn with rage to comprehend.
There should be a comma after “mage,” and “forlorn” makes him seem more resigned or lost in despair than he probably is, given his rather violent reaction. “Blinded” might work, I’d think.
She in turn yanked her wires again, and triggered the reaction to take place.
“...triggered the reaction to take place” seems awkward to me; I’d just leave it at “and triggered the reaction” or “triggering the reaction.”
He shuttered and convulsed violently as the electricity stopped his heart, and burned through his body.
“Shuttered” should be “shuddered,” and the comma after “heart” is unnecessary.
But the sky seemed to shimmer with a red flash, as if agitated by his death.
Nice touch.
She looked up in time to see the sentries dispersing in all directions, and calling her to run.
The end there should be “...calling for her to run.”
I don’t underestimate anyone, she muttered, while fishing out a cigarette from her one of her pouches.
Uh...the transition from the previous sentence to this one was, well, abrupt. Seems like you might want a sentence or two between the meteor’s impact and this so that she can have some sort of recovery/reaction to this, which I’m guessing was a pretty big surprise.
Overall, I’d say that there’re some good elements in here, but it seems like this could use another revision or two so that it comes across with more clarity. The grammatical cleaning would go a fair ways towards that goal, and reading this out loud might help with figuring out ways to make some parts a bit less awkward. Other than those issues, things are more localized and don’t show up too often, so those may just be a matter of a little more work to iron out the details of this chapter. Good luck with this, and thanks for posting!
:hide: some comments before I continue
There seems to be quite a bit of grammar errors. I apologize, I'm not too keen on grammar. it may be that i'm repeating the same mistakes, but im going to go ahead and post the rest of this chapter since its starting to bog me down
Erm...after this point, you sort of drop the entire dream part and move on to something else. Why introduce this with the dream if it isn’t tied into the story? As it is, that switch just distracted me, since I had to go over the letter several times to see if you did finish this up.
without revealing too much, i will say that one is the reason for the other >_> On another note, some parts of this section will not be explicitly related, or maybe related farther into the story. I think that in the end it will work out though
To clarify the rest of the letter,
Tristram. We have been the first to fall to terror and from these ashes, Sanctuary will be raised anew. You will be the bastion of darkness. Like an inverted flame, the moths of righteousness shall draw near to you. Because there is something particularly appealing about the flame. It flickers with an unearthly glow. It warms your dried up wings; it salves your burning eyes.
in this section, the writer is not addressing Que Hegan specifically, but the place where Que Hegan and his Zakarumites live in (wherever that may be). Lazarus specifically addresses Que Hegan afterwards.
the flame has all the properties of a normal flame except that it attracts "moths of righteousness" instead of the normal kind
That should be “Vizjerei.”My eyes must have been playing tricks on me, because I never noticed that spelling error until just now. I've done a find and replace on this story and my previous one :grin:
Pet peeve: why? Why do characters in stories have to explain how they’re going to kill to their victims’ faces? Maybe it’s just me, but things in this vein almost always remind me of parodies of action films, which makes the characters seem silly. This sort of showing off is also decidedly uncharacteristic of a secret assassin unit; not only would revealing secrets be potentially damaging to Natalya if the mage survived, it’s the sort of thing that I’d imagine her training would have beaten out of her as unprofessional and inefficient. This sort of explanation can be done well, I admit; I’ve seen a few good instances of this in use, but more often than not, it just sets up another wall that you have to get past in your writing, and why make it harder for yourself?
I don't see this as a problem. this exchange does not affect the outcome and after all, dead men tell no tales :lipsrsealed:
Natalya has good reason to tell the mage this. She is insulted or dishonored by the implication that she is using magic. ok, i will admit that i enjoy action films and this is the type of dialogue that i was aiming for, even if it is a bit unrealistic
I know the Viz-jaaq’tar use “ingenious devices” to accomplish their ends, but this is a bit much. Essentially, you’re giving the Assassins a five hundred year technological jump, at the very least. The discrepancy between this and the mostly medieval technology of everyone else is going to be one heck of a challenge to explain away. If you have a good plan in mind, I’d love to see it, though...it’d be interesting indeed. Also, I wouldn’t call it a “tesla coil” unless Nikolai Tesla existed in your Diablo world. Admittedly, not using his name creates other problems, but that’s part of what happens when you try to explain technology past a certain point: things can get messy.
Tesla is just a name attached to a device, much like Winchester. I see that this is a bit odd though
I do have an explanation for this, but i see that it didnt go through well. I want this a part of my story, mainly for interests sake so i will think of something later.
Well, im not sure how this next part will go, so here is a list of characters to refer to if you get lost
Tsuji - A bounty hunter new to the city
Boss Hiro - The leader of a syndicate faction
Boss Yuu - Hiro's colleague
Natalya - An assassin or mageslayer
Ruijin - A barbarian that works for Hiro
Boss Mamesuke - A rival of Boss Hiro
Jade - A warrior in the play
The Shogun - A ruler in the play
The Shogun of the Dark - Another ruler in the play
Lilith - The assassin from my previous story
The goal of any person, whether warrior or artisan, is to achieve Heiho. Only through the path of Heiho can one attain life’s fulfillment. Long ago, a great warrior fought for the shogunate so that corruption would be destroyed, and the flames of revolution would bring rebirth. The warrior trained himself, perfecting his skills and techniques in order to bring about his revolution, but the warrior’s path belayed him with obstacles and detours.
A most treacherous path is that of the Ronin. The way of the Ronin is in stark contrast to the way of the soldier. It is a rare chance that you will ever see one in Sanctuary. They are masterless warriors; either their masters were slain, or they abandoned them willingly. There are no 47 Ronin; it is a myth. The true Ronin are disembodied because they abhor society, defy structure, and live in chaos. If such were not the case in their previous lives, it is certainly the case for them now.
***
There were few things now floating around in the warrior’s one-dimensional brain. Always he thought of battle, because it pleased him to do so, and also he was compelled to focus on the city and its people. He held no regard for either of the two, but so long as he could benefit from them, he remained tolerable, and this was why they were constant on his mind. It was the third day of winter in the city of Kyo, a growing barbarian city in the outskirts of the highlands. Today would be the beginning of winter festivities, marked by the opening of a grand Kabuki playhouse. The actors were a traveling troupe of worldly repute. All throughout the year they toured Sanctuary, stopping in local cities for shows. Each show would only last for a few days, and so this would be a rare opportunity. Personally, Tsuji didn’t like plays. He had always considered himself to be a practical and straightforward man, and these shows tended to go against his better sensibilities, drawing out to be overly long and tedious. But the plays drew a large crowd of people and as a bounty hunter, he was very interested in that. There was only one problem, however. He was new to the city, and did not know where to go about finding work. It didn’t worry him though; his type of work always found itself.
Like a haunting presence, the bounty hunter sat, wavering over in a dark corner of the teahouse, a ravenous wolf among sheep. Tsuji leaned back on his seat, brooding about the day and sipping on his tea. This stuff is horrible, he muttered, and flagged the waitress for a cup of ice water. The teahouse was located next to the theatre, and consequently it was packed hours before the play. The bounty hunter wrapped his long, bony fingers over his cup, slowly sipping his tea and watching the people pass through the corner of his eye.
***
His large frame shadowed his two employers in comparison, but it was the latter who dominated the former. Ruijin was always reminding himself of this fact; it angered him but made him feel more diligent at the same time.
“Is this the place,” he asked gruffly.
“This is the one, the Tavern of the Red Bushido.”
“What are we doing here?”
“Do I need to explain this again,” his employer growled. “Listen carefully. The syndicates are meeting here today. You are to simply defend us during the meeting and keep in mind that we cannot be seen as the aggressors today. If someone interferes, by all means deal with him quickly, but otherwise sit down and keep quiet.”
“Ok, I understand.”
“And put that damn blade away. You expect to get in hefting that thing about? Barbarians,” he snorted.
Ruijin inwardly seethed at the man and strapped the war axe onto his back. The barbarian wasn’t stupid, but maintained the guise as his own natural defense. He seemed to remember once claiming pride, for his people and for his own talents, but he had grown out of it as the years passed. He now felt a numbness overtake him in his action, one of robotic, unfeeling servitude, and he hated himself for it. The barbarian bent down to avoid the doorway and let his employers step through ahead of him. Flipping open his vest, he grabbed his tomahawks and continued on indifferently.
They were let into the tavern easily enough. The waitress had stalled nervously, but one look from Ruijin and they were hurriedly let in and given seats in the back, the far back of the room. It didn’t matter; that was the way his employers preferred. Ruijin laid his axe against the wall and chose a seat.
Boss Hiro looked at the barbarian disgustedly and took a seat opposite him, where the war axe would not poke his legs under the table. His counterpart Boss Yuu did the same, taking a seat next to his own. Ruijin was a brutish, uncouth man. He was a good bodyguard, he got the job done, but sometimes he was rather unpleasant. Today, Hiro was in an especially foul mood. He had received word that his shipment had been attacked en route to Khanduras, leaving nothing of its crew and cargo. Indubitably, it meant that a rival gang was trying to push him off. Hiro cursed out loud. This war would cost him money, more so than the lost shipment, but he wasn’t about to be played the fool. His brain hastily played through different scenarios, weighing in each one, assessing the advantages. But Hiro was already fixated upon one solution; Hiro wanted an assassination, and the play would be the most opportune moment. There was only one problem, however. Being new to city and having not planned ahead, he didn’t have an assassin ready for the play and he needed one quickly.
“Damnit all,” he spat and kicked at something under the table. As his toes smashed against the war axe blade, he called into being a new set of curses, their content being of temples, of the earthly body and the human body. Yuu forced out a smile and cleared his throat.
“Same as ever, I see. You and your large friend here.”
“Yes, good morning,” Hiro sputtered.
“Our meeting with the other syndicates is not until later, after the play, so I’m curious as to why you want to meet here so early.”
“Well, you shouldn’t be,” Hiro retorted. “Don’t play games with me. I haven’t the time.”
“I see. Judging by your tone, I can only guess it has something to do with the attack yesterday.”
“How very perceptive you are.”
“Do you need my personal help or will you bring it up in the meeting?”
“I’m sure the other syndicates don’t give a damn about my lost shipments. They probably stand to make good profit over them too. No, I need a favour, Yuu.”
“Go on.”
“You know as well as I do that it was an organized hit and there’s only one group strong enough to compete against me. It’s the Chimeras, and I have a score to settle with them.”
Yuu grimaced and took another sip of his tea. A bittersweet flavour. He knew as well as Hiro did that there was no actual proof that the Chimera clan was responsible. In reality, it could have been anyone, but the Chimeras were very much possible suspects, simply because they stood to gain the most off the incident. Yuu personally had mixed feelings about the situation. He was a strong ally with Hiro and the success of his organization depended on the success of his allies. Getting rid of the Chimeras would not be easy, but it would wipe out their contenders for a long time.
Yuu liked to see himself as a practical man. If opportunity arose, he was not one to miss it. He did not however, take chances with anything. Any liabilities he had were always calculated, and expendable risks.
“You’re planning an attack on the Chimeras,” he said, smacking his lips, “What do you have in mind?”
“I don’t know,” Hiro growled. “This isn’t my area. I don’t suppose you have someone ready? I would use Ruijin, but he isn’t interested in the more subtle work.”
“So what do you want,” his colleague replied mockingly. “You want me to dig up another assassin? You haven’t given me much notice time.”
“I know,” Hiro muttered, “It was a spur of the moment decision. But think about it; this will be when they are most vulnerable.”
“You make it sound easy. However unprepared Boss Mamesuke will be, he will be thinking of his own safety, as will all of the meeting attendants. Even so, I do not think the task impossible. In the business, there are many skilled workers. No, I do not think employment is a problem per say.”
“Good. I trust you have someone ready.”
“Let me finish. The problem is finding the right man. Succeed or fail, I do not want this person traced back to us.”
Hiro frowned and Yuu let out another sigh.
“What do you know of assassins? They are different from the mercenaries or rent-a-knights you usually see around town. Assassins are very secretive about their work, but still they are available to the right people. This city is relatively new; it is growing and expanding; people are floating in and out constantly, which gives us ample opportunity. I could probably even name off a few people capable of attacking an entire syndicate, but it wouldn’t do us any good. You see, most of the top killers are mageslayers. There are other men like your large friend here, but many of them are unsuited or unwilling for that type of work. Assassins will get the job done quickly and quietly, but the problem with them is that the mageslayers have a strange way of working. They have an honor system, and will only take jobs within their interest. This shouldn’t be a problem, but all of their kills are reported to a central base, meaning that every job they do is known to the right people.”
“Suffice to say, they are unsuitable for our work, which means our plans, or any remnant of a plan, is destroyed.”
“There’s nobody else that can do this?”
“I don’t know. I wouldn’t trust anyone else to do the job. I admit that this would be an interesting opportunity, but just forget about it and enjoy the show.”
Hiro grumbled to himself. Ever so cautious, Yuu had made up his mind. Hiro knew that his counterpart wasn’t telling him the whole truth, however. I’m sure there’s a killer for hire around here somewhere, he thought.
The teahouse continued in unending clamour, its noise penetrating the walls of the buildings next door, and meanwhile the cast set to work on their preparation. The seats were dragged out and bolted on the floor. They were all wooden pews, the most convenient for such large crowds. The actors sat backstage, behind the elevated wooden platform stage, quietly rehearsing and preparing themselves for the show.
The day propagated into early dusk, and the sun veiled itself behind the mountains of Kae Huron. All that was left was a pale, blaring, red streak across the sky, the last vestiges of fading daylight. At the stroke of the hour, patrons were let in and administered to their seats.
The stage was shrouded with a dark red curtain, and the attendants, a number of scrawny men in black suits, filled the hallways, siphoning people in the right direction. Crowds of people came, dressed in suits and formal wear, and seated themselves along the pews, chatting idly and awaiting the presentation.
The syndicates had reserved seats at the front, and so a large number of pews were sectioned off for the mobs. Hiro and his men, Yuu, Ruijin, and his other allies took seats along the western side of the theatre. As more people filed in, so did the syndicates, large groups of men trying to look inconspicuous, neither smiling nor frowning, eyes flitting around like bees, and taking strategic positions around the theatre. It was agreed upon that the bosses would come to the theatre, watch the performance, and only then would the meeting take place. Everyone was required to come, and records of attendance were closely watched. This was to make sure that the meetings could go on without conflict; a strange custom indeed.
Hiro saw his nemesis, Mamesuke, and his cohorts enter the theatre and grunted as they filed along the eastern wing. Yuu pursed his lips and nudged Hiro to keep quiet.
With that the performance began. All but the stage lights were dimmed, and the curtains were slowly drawn again, a deep crimson schism, rifting further and further apart. Three figures appeared on the stage dressed in fine costumes, wearing richly decorated kimonos, and drabbed in long, silken scarves. On their faces were coloured masks, drawn to accentuate their facial features.
The middle figure, veiled in green, stepped up forward. Her dress flowed smoothly behind her as she walked. Her mask was also a pale green colour, with a morose, forbidding countenance etched upon it with black paint. In her hand was a black metallic fan.
“I am the warrior Jade. Long have I trained, tirelessly across the country, studying the principles of Heiho. Now I wish to apply my skills to the world, and this country will be changed as never before.”
To her left was a man, who now paced forward confidently besides the warrior. The man wore a suit of all white, matching with the white mask over his face. The mask gave him the appearance of a noble authority, and he wore a look of grim determination.
“I am the shogun. I have watched your training and have learned to admire the skills you possess. If there is one thing you lack however, it s the principles of Zen, of iron resolve. You fight with your emotions, turning all your inner hatred into power. But you must fight with experience, and a lightning will. Join me, lend me your services, and you will find the way of Heiho.”
“I swear allegiance to the shogun,” Jade replied, but her voice was flat and without emphasis.
With that the other figure, on the warrior’s right, crept up across the stage. Silent and secret were his steps, and he approached her like a nighttime predator. His clothes were all in black, and his mask had a wicked snare painted across its lips.
“I am the shogun of the dark,” he said smoothly, “and I have also been watching you. Long is the path of Heiho, and men grow old and feeble searching for it in vain. Death is what awaits those who follow the course of time. Power, though, is absolute, and through its absolution will you find Heiho. Join me, lend me you services, and you will find the way to power.”
Jade looked left, then looked to the right, and said, “I swear allegiance to the shogun of the dark,” and her voice was calm and terrible.
Hiro was not paying attention to the play. His eyes narrowed, and his gaze was locked on that one section of pews, along the eastern side of the playhouse. His opponent was occupied with the play, seeming all too smug, in his opinion. Hiro drew back with disgust, but then a smirk crept slowly across his face. In different circumstances, they would have been allies, perhaps friends, but they were both businessmen, and they were both competitors.
He recalled the image of the man he had met in the teahouse some moments before the play; a skinny, impudent man, walking in on their conversation and taking a seat next to Ruijin’s gigantic war axe as casually as if it were another patron. His long, slender fingers were buried in his pockets, save a few dangling out like branches swaying in the wind, and Hiro could see them brushing against the wickedly sharp wakizashi sheathed at his side.
They had been talking business when a solitary man, a stranger walked in on their table. Ruijin took one look at the man and his hand dropped, clattering his utensils to the ground and straying towards his tomahawks. The man flashed him a small nod, his dark leather jacket flapping carelessly open, exposing his weapons, sheathed but ready. A warning; the man was a braggart and Ruijin met his cynical smile with a fierce one of his own. Then he felt a small lump; Hiro was kicking him under the table. That probably meant to let him live, the barbarian sighed.
“I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation,” Tsuji said lightly, glancing over to his corner of the bar. “The acoustics of this place are extraordinary.”
“Who might you be,” Yuu replied sourly.
“I’m a tradesman if you will. You said you were seeking help, and I think my proffered services are suitable to your task.”
“A bounty hunter,” spat Ruijin, “His kind are rampant all over our land, ever since the new king opened up trade to the South. Scum like him are clogging up the streets with bodies, and leaving us out of work.”
At this outburst, Yuu scowled at Ruijin and the stranger continued.
“Pleased to have your acquaintance, but I did not address you. Sir, I believe you had an interesting proposition.”
“In fact I do,” Hiro affirmed.
“As you may suspect, stealth is of the essence,” said Yuu in his usual tone, “How do we know that you won’t be traceable back to us?”
In response to the question, Tsuji glanced at Yuu, tainted with all the latent rage of a demon in man’s form, and rasped with grated voice in a brief expenditure of breath, one that seemed distant and forlorn.
“I am simply alone. I am a Ronin.”
His change, though incredibly rapid and flaring with intensity, was subtle, and Ruijin paused in alert, although his two employers paid no heed.
“What does he mean,” coughed Hiro.
“A masterless warrior, a drifter. It would mean that firstly, he can handle his own and secondly, he should be an unknown in the city. Now that I think of it,” Yuu said, intrigued, “I’m wondering if his words hold true.”
***
With the burning red evening sky, she seemed almost camouflaged against the horizon, her blood-red cape swirling around her like a cloak. Natalya probed the city with questing eyes and crept across the main city’s avenues, searching about with a usual self-ordained diligence. The aftermath of the previous night’s events had brought her to a heightened guard; she was now convinced that something lay at the heart of the city, layered deep within its foundations, corroding it from within. She grimaced, and pulled out a cigarette, reflexively lighting it upon will and drawing back a long plume of smoke, but quickly expelled it with a short cough as the acrid fumes contacted her lungs. It’s the cold mountain air, she mused, a little mix of heaven and hell has that effect. Stamping the butt out, she moved through the city calmly.
She had also been given more authority by the barbarians, and intended on using it. Natalya had begun by patrolling the streets and keeping a record of people that she could, with a sharp eye for those out of the ordinary, but as her routine continued on in the day, she could sense a dampening of spirits and a loathing, repulsive aura about her. The people, she noticed, had begun to stray from her path, and all activity would seemingly halt in her presence. While she could easily have resorted to more evasive measures, she concluded, with a sigh, that the whispers were fast-catching in the wind, and slowly with time, her order was being exposed.
Jade motioned to the dark shogun and the other crept away, unphased by the former’s presence. The shogun of the dark embraced her and from the deep folds of his obsidian black cloak, produced a daisho, the sword and the short sword, and strapped it along the warrior’s belt. Jade stood within that iron grip and focused outwards towards the audience, fixating them with an icy stare, the cold hard stare of unfastening resolve.
“Jade,” called the shogun, “A new power is emerging out of the West, one set to throttle the current shogunate out of existence. When that time comes, the strong shall survive and the rightful shall be made rulers. But the old theocracy must first be destroyed, because the government is still dominated by the clergy, and by the mages, although they try to hide the fact, even to this day. The revolution needs your help, Jade. The revolution needs you to bring about its fruition.”
“How am I to do that,” Jade asked.
“You must become my personal assassin. You must become a hitokiri.”
“But,” said Jade boldly, “that is against the warrior code. I can no sooner become an assassin than abandon my will, and abandon my life.”
“Then so you shall,” said the dark shogun in the same breath.
With the audience’s attention focused on the stage, it was not hard for Tsuji to blend in. Quietly he walked across aisles and aisles of patrons, until he reached the eastern wall of the theatre. Now pressed along the wall, he began to walk slowly, passing rows of pews, careful not to make a sound on the hardwood floor. At the very front were the Chimera clan and their allies, occupying the front rows of pews. At once he could distinguish the warriors and bodyguards interspaced with officials, which would make his task more difficult. Tsuji found a vacant seat just below the reserved seats, sat down, and smiled, searching through the sea of heads for his target.
“Natalya, glad you could make it.”
“What choice did I have; this situation is getting rather out of control.”
“I suppose. The mage you’ve been tracking- he’s dead?”
“Yes, and news can travel rather fast in this city,” Natalya replied, an edge of irritation creeping into her voice.
“I see. But he was not the one you are looking for.”
“No, he wasn’t. The mage was a demon, which confirms my suspicions.”
“Of what? The Vizjerei?”
Natalya narrowed her eyes and reached for a cigarette.
“You aren’t searching for Bartuc are you?”
“I have reason to believe that the mages are making an exodus out of Kurast, though for reasons that evade me. It is not unreasonable to assume that the resurrected mage-lord is leading them.”
“Then that is why you are here.”
“It seems that everyone in this accursed place has a guess at my nature. But Bartuc is not my true intent. Even when his powers are reestablished, Bartuc will always remain the same. He is and always will be a tool of the demons, and nothing more. Something else compels the mages, the same hellish host that has sponsored their resurrection, and that is what I’m truly concerned with.”
“Very well, Natalya. You asked me to search for someone within the city, a Ronin. It is not so easy to sift through so many, but I have someone we suspect, if all rumours are true.”
“Find him,” Natalya snapped immediately, “I don’t know this man; better to err on the side of caution.”
Her comrade gave her a mean-spirited smile.
“I’ve already sent someone,”
“Is that so,” Natalya replied, regaining her composure as instantly as she had lost it, “I don’t recall giving you command over my men.”
“She volunteered,” was the reply, and Natalya walked off into the frigid evening.
Tsuji looked around and drew back his jacket with a sharp intake of breath. His swords dropped out, making a loud racket against the pews. They were still sheathed however, so he feigned ignorance, and continued to watch the play. Tsuji yawned and looked forwards, not to the stage, but to the men in front of him, now seemingly losing interest in him, a clumsy but harmless, yet ceremonially armed patron behind them. He smirked; anyone could walk around armed to the teeth, and it was quite normal.
There were about ten people seated along each pew, for six pews, and all of them carried weapons, mostly swords, Tsuji remarked. His hands strayed to his own swords, bony fingers running idly along the hilt of his wakizashi, as he waited with genuine anticipation for the right moment.
On the stage, Jade stood with a timid look painted across her face, or her mask rather. As the play progressed, she crept into the shogun’s palace, decapacitating the guards with a venomous potion she coated along the sharp edges of her shuriken. Of course there were no real weapons, but when the actress flicked her wrist outwards, the guards would gasp, and then collapse into a silent sleep. Now, Jade was in the master bedroom, a long, sharp dagger hovering above in her right hand indecisively. For a few moments she waited in that position, and the room was quiet, save for the anticipation of the audience.
“Kill him,” came the dark shogun’s deep voice, emanating from somewhere beyond the stage, “He will be the first in a long and bloody war.”
“If you’ve come this far,” came another voice from the shogun’s sleeping form, “then why do you linger here still? You were always weak with Zen, weak with the warrior code.”
And with the final word, Jade plunged the dagger into the sleeping man’s chest. As his breathing slowly faded, not an inch did he move and not a sound did he make.
The curtains began to close and the lights dimmed once again. The audience began to leave, and the continuous sound of clapping, not too loud and not too soft, filled the room. As the lights faded to darkness, Tsuji got up out of his seat, a crooked smile, hidden in the tumultuous bustle of the audience, splayed across his face. He drew his wakizashi and grabbed the hilt, the long, bony fingers locking into a straight thrusting grip. The sliding sound of the wakizashi ran like church bells in his ears, but to his target ahead of him, it was quietly muffled.
With a great leap, Tsuji was propelled into the ranks of syndicates, over the heads of the back row, and onto an empty space in the pews one row ahead. He felt something stir, a shift in the air pressure, and ducked in time to avoid the massive swing of a sword, the blade humming over his head, and the assailant extending through his swing. Tsuji’s sword passed over simultaneously in a parallel arc, and the wakizashi ripped across the men’s torso in a thin red line. All that was audible was a stifled groan, and the wet spray of evisceration. Then, the crowd registered that ominous sound and an angry and visibly shaken echo broke the silence.
“Assassin!”
Another burst of sound filled the room, the sliding, grating sound of blades being withdrawn from sheathes. As Tsuji heard these noises, he slashed down on an arm that had gotten too close and reveled in the resulting scream. He pushed over the injured companion with a kick and headed towards the disarmed man, finishing the kill with three deft strikes.
Tsuji smiled and quickly flicked the blood off his wakizashi. The syndicate men were now on full alert, and the bodyguards were climbing over pews carefully to reach the intruder. Twisting around backwards, Tsuji spun into a low sidekick, splintering the high-backed pews in front of him and buckling its foundation. With a new path cut down the centre, Tsuji advanced forward another row with a quick dash, too quick for the syndicates to make their objections known. All that was seen to them was a blur of inordinate speed, forming into the crooked cynical smile of the lanky man, absently spinning around his wakizashi like a child’s toy. Out of the corner of his eye, Tsuji saw a man rush to the side with a thrust. His instincts kicked in and he slithered to the side, the blade sliding by his ribs as he parried the sword. The screeching sound of metal on metal vibrated through the room and both men struggled with strength to overcome the parry.
Tsuji saw the man’s left hand stray to the dull edge of the blade, and his opponent’s efforts doubled against him. The bounty hunter disengaged with a sharp twist, again dodging a near fatal strike as the blade rushed past him. His opponent in turn drew back before losing control, and they locked eyes steps away from each other.
Other syndicate fighters were crowding around the bounty hunter, climbing over pews into the back rows, and waiting for an opening. The narrow rows of the theatre were not conductive to group fighting, but he saw the guards getting anxious as they flanked him on both sides of the row, a man to each side, with others lined up behind him. Most of them were wielding katanas, but he saw the long reflection of broadswords, the quick flash of the gladius, and other foreign weapons twinkle about him in the now full moonlight streaming through the windows. Tsuji glanced ahead and he saw the Chimera clan leaders standing at the front of the stage, relaying orders to their men. A foolish mistake, Tsuji thought with a smile. Mamesuke and his counterparts had not left, because they were confident the men would kill him, making his job all the more easier.
Tsuji made a cautious strike and engaged again with the warrior ahead of him. As their blades clashed, he wrapped his left hand around his katana, and his long fingers wrenched it out in a reverse grip. The warrior stumbled backwards but managed to draw his own wakizashi, and parried it with another great clash. Here they stood again, straining against each other in an awkward cross-hand position. Tsuji applied force and felt the left hand give way. Harder he pushed until the other’s wakizashi clattered to the floor and the katana ripped upwards through his body. As the man slumped on the floor, Tsuji flicked the blood off his katana and sheathed it with a smile.
“To not know all of your weapons equally is inexcusable,” he said lightly to the dying man, “Someone once told me that, and now I know why.”
From the side borders, two other syndicates nodded and approached Tsuji. Interesting, he thought, they wish to strike simultaneously as I only have one weapon. He dropped to a relaxed stance and goaded them on with a slight nod. The two warriors closed in and each drew their swords back horizontally, readying for the killing blow.
Tsuji crouched and narrowed his eyes mischievously. Enough playing games, he thought, and concentrated on the two attackers. Within an instant they drew in towards him, both taking a long thrust forward, but Tsuji was ready. He heard the footsteps grow heavier into a sprint, and he felt the air behind them slightly compress with force. Their aims were true, and he felt both swords inch towards his chest with every passing moment. But Tsuji tensed, ducking downwards and veering away from both their trajectories, causing the two attackers to clash together violently.
“What-” one of them muttered in shock. In the same instant, the wakizashi plunged into his chest and reversed direction, stabbing the man opposite him. Tsuji disengaged quickly from his blows, positioning himself for the next wave of fighters.
These fighters are better than ordinary, thought Tsuji, smiling to himself. He stood in stalemate with one of the larger fighters, brandishing a large katana cautiously in front of him. Tsuji glimpsed again at the front stage and noticed that the syndicates were rapidly relaying orders to Mamesuke, who looked furious but still unbudging against the assassin. It was all that he could do before another wave of fighters jumped the pews and closed in on him relentlessly.
The swift bounty hunter avoided their attacks like nothing; he swayed in between sword swings like a cool winter breeze, and struck back just as reflexively. To their astonishment, the syndicate fighters found themselves being pushed back by the bounty hunter, and they struggled to keep up with his swordsmanship. Tsuji saw an opening on the closest warrior and side slashed at his chest with a flick of the wakizashi. The fighter jumped back and managed to parry, but Tsuji reversed his swing with another slight flick, as if holding a fan, and slid across the man’s now exposed chest. Tsuji slashed him again across his body, and the fighter collapsed to the floor. Men alongside him pushed aside his body and headed for their lone opponent, who had stonewalled their entire group single-handedly thus far.
But Tsuji did not let up, and began on the offensive. Along the row he pushed the men back in a flurry of short jabs and strikes. His hands flowed with the sword as he added faints and weaves into his movements, twisting slashes into jabs, then reversing and slashing once again. Two more warriors along the row fell to his attacks, critically wounded in dozens of places.
The men to the right stumbled backwards, and Tsuji took the opportunity to strike again. Behind him was a fighter, sword drawn yet unsure of how to proceed. Tsuji ran up to him and slashed down on his wrist, almost completely severing it, and disabling the potential fighter. He made a sharp kick to the broken man’s knee, who folded soon after.
The bounty hunter edged forwards, cutting a line through the ranks or warriors like a paring knife. The syndicate fighters fought hard and valiantly, but no one could catch up to the skill of Tsuji, and within the confined rows of pews, there was no stopping his movements. The wakizashi flicked forwards and back at lightning speed, wavering like a snake upon his opponents. Tsuji grew bolder and increased his attacks, shifting into an offensive stance and leaping forwards up to the fighters, desperately trying to fall back into position. Within minutes the bounty hunter had reached the long end of the row, and bodies were strewn along his path on both sides.
He walked down the aisle, staring at the baffled syndicate leader with a smile, taking long leisurely strides. The remaining syndicate fighters were rooted to the ground, after seeing the lanky man’s display.
Mamesuke was a tall man with thinning black hair. He stood at the front of the stage with an agitated glare, but seemed to have his composure. His massive stature cast a long shadow down the length of the stage, and his booming voice seemed to shake its foundation. He stood there patiently and defiantly, and Tsuji carefully crossed rows of corpses to face him.
“No doubt that you have come to take my life,” Mamesuke growled.
“Yes, that is true,” Tsuji replied lightly, almost yawning.
“It is something that I accept. However, I wonder as to what your motives are, or more specifically, what your master’s motives are. Who hired you?”
“Someone you may be acquainted with, but it isn’t your concern.”
“Is that so,” Mamesuke said stonily, “I have long felt a foreboding presence around this place, and even then, I knew that my position here would not last. However, I have been gathering information for such an ill-fated meeting as this.”
Tsuji seemed disinterested but let him continue.
“Deep within the darkest of circles, my network had informed me of some interesting news, but no one was sure to believe it. There is a rumour spreading of a Ronin wandering these lands, one who is a master of weapons and one who wishes to destroy all civilization he contacts.”
“I wouldn’t be paying attention to rumours right now,” Tsuji cut in.
“…Very well,” grunted the syndicate leader, “You opt the way of forcefulness. There was a time when even your kind had standards.”
Tsuji drew his katana with a smile and dived at the large man, not knowing what to expect. People like him had a knack for cunning, both off and on the battlefield. He surged ahead, his wakizashi a deadly flash pointing the way as his speed increased to a blurring all-out run. He inched closer and closer and saw Mamesuke’s frame fill the space of his vision. But then his ears suddenly pricked and he forced himself back in startlement.
The tall syndicate leader took a deep inhale of cold mountain air, and then let out a buffeting war song. A jolt of energy surged through the room, even more amplified by the dynamics of the playhouse. It was a low rumbling bellow, and the very ground beneath his feet began to rattle and oscillate. Tsuji stumbled backwards and clutched his ears, quickly sheathing his swords. It was all he could do; the low pitched boom was one that he had never experienced before; nay, he uttered through gritted teeth, one that you could not prepare for. The bounty hunter dropped to one knee, struggling to recollect his thoughts.
Moments, which seemed like ages, passed in echoing chaos as the leader finished his battlecry. Tsuji grit his teeth, and it took him full concentration to maintain a conscious state. He strained his neck towards his opponent and saw that he was also in a trancelike state, and neither dared to move. When Mamesuke had finished, the bounty hunter found himself almost prostrate before him, and a little more than just dazed.
“Now you die,” the syndicate whispered. With that, the big cloak draped across his shoulders fluttered to the ground and Mamesuke reached for the loaded crossbow slung against his back. Tsuji saw the strange mechanical protrusion growing out from behind him, and the instincts within his brain screamed into life. The signal began to register, and Tsuji jolted upright as the barbarian leveled the implement at his chest point blank and squeezed the trigger with knotted, powerful hands. Tsuji heard the lever fall into place, the holding piece work with a resounding click, and the crisp twang of a newly made bowstring. All of these set into motion a sharp projectile aimed very rapidly towards his chest. But as he heard these things, he was ready.
He swerved to the left, faster than lightning and evaded the bolt completely, to Mamesuke’s utter surprise. Still, the next bolt was shifted into place by the mechanism and Mamesuke angrily snapped the trigger back with a large hand. Tsuji shifted back into a low stance and grabbed at the swords sheathed at his waist. Mamesuke then took careful aim and fired another bolt point-blank at his chest. But Tsuji ducked, his knees twitching with absolute instinct, and he dropped down to the floor as the second projectile soared by. Tsuji rushed from a ducked position, running at a speed borne of adrenaline and instinctual power, and narrowed his distance to an arm’s length before Mamesuke readied his next shot. The barbarian squeezed the trigger a final time, but out flashed the brutal katana from its sheath, arcing upwards in a moment the syndicate leader could not register. The crossbow instantly fell to pieces, and the large barbarian collapsed to the floor as his chest sprayed open, the final killing shot never to be released.
“My technique is Tenbu no Sai Niyoru Ken, the burst of speed. With it, I cannot be defeated,” Tsuji whispered into unseeing eyes.
The playhouse lay abandoned by the owners and patrons alike. When the fighting broke loose, events seemed to escalate faster than Ruijin could keep track of, and the next minute he found himself ushered out the back while the demon worked his business inside. By then, the civilians had cleared out and fierce fighting could be heard inside.
Hiro was snatching glimpses of the barbarian but soon lost interest. Yuu was staring out into the sky, lost in deep concentration, so Ruijin gripped his waraxe and guarded them stoically. It had been snowing earlier that day, but now the weather was quite mild. Hiro kicked at a small mound of snow and broke the silence.
“That bounty hunter is taking a long time. I wonder if he has succeeded.”
“Patience,” muttered Yuu absent-mindedly, “He has a most difficult task ahead of him. I think that the fight would be fairly matched. Entertaining, I’d imagine.”
“Do you have the man’s payment,” Ruijin asked, trying to sound casual.
“Yes,” Hiro answered, “and no paltry sum at that.”
“What,” said Yuu quickly, “That was not my plan at all. If the bounty hunter comes out alive, Ruijin will deal with him quickly.”
“That’s fine with me,” grunted the barbarian.
“Nonsense,” laughed Hiro, “I have the money right here. If he gets out alive the drinks are on me.”
Coincidentally, Ruijin glanced back at the theatre and saw a dark, lanky figure slip out of the doorway. Hiro squinted in his direction and rushed towards him, money on hand and a wicked grin on his face. The figure caught sight of them and stood there, waiting for the three to approach.
“Excellent work,” puffed Hiro, “I commend your skills.”
Tsuji did not reply, but took the money with an oddly sorrowful look on his face.
“This is only the beginning. There is more work available to one such as y-“
With a slight movement, Tsuji’s wakizashi impaled Hiro through the gut, ending his speech and doubling him over in pain. Ruijin gritted his teeth and Yuu coughed into his sleeve, turning to leave. He watched the bounty hunter head back into the playhouse, he prepared himself to follow. A demon, he thought, some kind of unstoppable machine. Steeling himself with a grimace, Ruijin locked his axe an iron grip and steadily strode up to intercept the bounty hunter
“Stop,” called Yuu suddenly. “Boss Hiro is dead, out of his own foolishness no less, but so is the Chimera clan. We need not pursue this further.”
Ruijin snarled and slapped his axe, battle-ready.
“Do not draw attention to us,” menaced Yuu, “I forbid it.”
Tsuji stowed the coin away and crept back into the theatre. He swept across the room methodically, observing his handiwork and checking for stragglers. The theatre was in disarray, with bodies and pews strewn about all over. Bits of wood and dried blood lay splattered about the floor, with sharp weapons glistening nearby. Tsuji saw the large corpse of the syndicate leader hunched over the first row, but didn’t bother to loot it. Then a strange idea came to his head, one that came about so suddenly, he was unsure if it was his own. Such a wretched turn of events, he reflected, in retrospect, I think that it was unavoidable. I knew, or rather, was foretold, that this would happen, if not by my hands, then by someone else’s. Tsuji closed his eyes and shook away his thoughts with a shiver.
Tsuji walked briskly through the night, his mood gradually clearing out what insidious thoughts it once harboured. With his newly acquired wealth, he made up his mind to travel back south, perhaps west, and find some better work. But then he pondered over that idea, wondering what better work meant to him, be it more or less dangerous, he wasn’t sure, and suddenly he felt fatigued, nearly drained. He walked two blocks out, searching for the nearest well, and turned a corner. He found one in a residential block, a small quiet part of the city, except for the soft echoing of the cobbled steps and the low-sounding beat of a small windmill nearby, creaking and groaning with every turn. The well was almost dried up but still quite functional, and with small effort, he overturned a cool bucket of water over his over-boiling skull. With a sigh, he stood up and focused back on his surroundings.
But something was wrong. He could feel a sharp pain tugging on his left arm, and as he regained his senses with a sharp intake of breath, he noticed the wires, lethal bindings cutting into his arms, barely visible to the eye. Amid the shadows of the night, he glimpsed and saw a morose visage, cleverly hidden within one of the cracks connecting two buildings, its features indecipherable from his vantage. His apparent captor ventured forward slowly, and he could make out feminine features, though her identity was still unknown to him. Her slender arms were outstretched, with a firm grip on the wires holding him, which connected and disappeared by unknown lengths into her long sleeves. Over the dark clothing with the rippling fabric she wore was a glimmering metallic plate, a strange composite design that seemed to meld into her movements, and provide much flexibility. He strained his ears but could only hear minimal sounds as she approached, which both impressed and unnerved him at the same time. She continued her movement, and came to within an arm’s length from him. He could now see her dark brown eyes locked down on him, staring him down unblinkingly.
“Who are you,” Tsuji stammered angrily, “What do you want with me?”
For a few moments, his assailant let his question hang unanswered in the air, still locked onto him, and then she let out the faintest of smiles.
“You are no demon,” she whispered under her breath, but Tsuji picked up on it.
“What do you mean by that,” he demanded.
“Nothing. I find it quite pitiful and humorous to see one who wallows in his own actions, one who has no will.”
“What do you know of me?”
“No more than I care to. I know that you slaughtered the people in the theatre, and I know that you deviate towards your weapons even now.”
“Then you were there,” he rationalized, “I’d pay no heed to such tragedies. They were all criminals; they worked for the mafia.”
“As do you, apparently.”
“I work for no one,” Tsuji retorted, and it was his turn to smile. “It was a matter of common goals, but I have severed ties with them. I have done a favour for the people, you could say.”
“At any rate,” he continued smoothly, “I am not a wanted man; I have no price on my head, as the others did, procured by the barbarians themselves. You have no reason to hold me.”
“I care not for your flawed rationale or your deformed sense of justice.”
“Then what do you want?”
“Tenbu no Sai Niyoru Ken,” she said slowly, “That is a technique of the mageslayers. Where did you learn it?”
“A mageslayer,” returned Tsuji, “I should have known. You and I are not so different, except I do not limit myself to mages.”
“Neither do I.”
“As for my technique, I have journeyed far to acquire it, but I do not answer to anyone, and certainly not to the clan you serve.”
“You lie,” stated Natalya. “The Viz-jaaq’tar do not teach their techniques to outsiders.”
“Perhaps that will be your downfall,” ventured Tsuji just as fast, and Natalya felt the sting behind his words.
“I was told that a Ronin was in the city, but now I see that you are the complete opposite. You are a pawn of the demons.”
“How do you suppose that,” glared Tsuji, his anger building.
“You cannot begin to comprehend the consequences of your actions. You laugh at the syndicates, a trifle in your eyes, but as corrupt and virulent they were, they are what funds the city defenses, and what drives the economy. Right now the floodgates have been opened, and the first stages to a large-scale demonic invasion into the highlands have been set.”
“Why tell me this? I don’t care for the barbarians.”
“It stretches much further than that, but I’d rather not waste breath on a mindless fool like you. Intentionally or not, you have doomed us all, and such careless actions are beyond redemption.”
“Are you here to punish me,” Tsuji said, tapping her wires with his free hand.
“No,” replied Natalya just as calmly, “You are human and demons do not ally with humans; they can only destroy them. I would think that your punishment has already been secured in hell, though I should not judge.”
“But answer my question; tell me which demon has corrupted you so,” she pressed coldly, “or I will send you to my own version of hell.”
“Which demon? I don’t know what you’re talking about. You sound like a demon yourself.”
“I am one who kills demons; I do not know what that makes me.”
Tsuji flinched at those words, and pulled out his katana with his free hand, slicing upwards through the wires with one fluid motion. Natalya yanked herself backwards, covering her steps with a quick swipe of the claw and winding back her dangling wires with a subsequent tug. Tsuji sheathed his sword with a snap and slipped his hand to the hilt of the wakizashi, ready for a sword-drawing strike. Natalya bared her claws menacingly and backtracked away from the bounty-hunter’s range. Tsuji circled her cautiously like a wolf, searching for the point of vulnerability, but let her back farther away.
“I see that you have a rudimentary understanding of Tenbu No Sai Niyoru Ken. I will admit that you are fast, but you lack the principles behind the technique.”
And what would that be,” Tsuji spoke, searching for an opening. Looking at the blades wavering before him, he saw none, and let her continue.
“The burst of speed,” Natalya replied, “is a well-rounded move. It can be used effectively both offensively and defensively. It is, however, most effective when used as a combination, as a reactionary motion.”
Tsuji detected a slight change in position and grabbed his wakizashi, opening it across Natalya’s face. She parried with a quick swipe of her katar, the dark, pointed weapon making a dull echo as the blades collided. Tsuji followed through, curving the sword upwards over his head, and then reversed his stroke into a powerful chop. But Natalya’s katar was already upraised, again parrying his strikes with profound efficiency. Tsuji disengaged quickly and stepped a few paces aside, mentally probing her defenses once again.
“Prediction and reaction are the two skills I live by,” said Tsuji with a smile, “You do not need to lecture me.”
“I do not live by my skills,” replied Natalya without emotion, “but to fulfill one thing- to destroy corruption. I do not see you as an outwardly evil man, but you have delved into an animus that has swallowed you whole.”
“Assassin, you are not one to edify those around you, so why must you condemn? That is not our purpose. The purpose of you and I,” Tsuji spat, “is to shed blood.”
Before he knew it, Natalya was dashing forward, leading with her long sharp claw like a wielded spike. Tsuji twisted past her charge, but he turned to a slash with a flick of her wrist and an instantaneous leveling wipe. Tsuji flicked his sword into a downward parry and rotated upwards for another parry, just in time to intercept the trailing katar. He pushed her off with a slight force and shifted to the offensive, darting back and forth with short jabs. Natalya responded equally as fast, whipping her katar side to side, deflecting the blows. Tsuji fainted into a final jab, but twisted with a turn, whipping his katana out at the same time and forcing her back in a flurry of footsteps. They locked eyes again and waited for the next engagement.
Tsuji twirled the katana in his fingertips, reversing his grip to his convention position, sword outstretched on his left, short sword guarding his right. Natalya mimicked his stance, waving the cutthroat in front of her and keeping the dark katar close to her side. Tsuji felt her shift in movements, her heels breaking contact from the snowy ground, and the front of her foot pushing up with force, the beginnings of a dash beyond human speed. He tensed all of the muscles in his leg and sprung forward, meeting her charge with all the speed of his own.
He saw his opponent rushing towards him, a blur within his vision. She moved slightly to his left along his side, and he compensated his direction. Tsuji lowered his katana and opened in an upwards arc, the blade streaming past his vision. Natalya angled her claw in front of her and parried it with a slash of her own. As the blades collided, Tsuji hovered his wakizashi defensively about his body, but the second pair of blades did not clash. Tsuji followed through with a lighting fast sweep, shifting weight of his leading foot, and torquing his torso in the direction of the force. His sword blew past her claw but missed her body as she broke her momentum and evaded the attack with a quick darting motion. Tsuji made a step to the right and swiftly turned into a double slash, the wakizashi leading, directed at her neck, the katana swaying down to her waist.
She raised her hands in response, bracing them outwards in flattened positions, holding them as two fans protecting her chest. The blades clashed again, and he could see her lean back in an unstable position as she took the blow and was forced back by its power. Tsuji braced himself against the force, but suddenly it buckled, and he saw the assassin fly a step backwards, arms still outstretched in their defensive position. His strike proved true, and Tsuji snapped his wrists further, goading his weapons on to reach their trajectory.
But Natalya sunk back, and blew past his strike in one fluid motion, dropping back her defenses and quickly easing into a low-bent crouched position. Tsuji felt his swing hit air, and he angled his sword down to reverse, but she was already moving with full speed and momentum. Frantically he twisted his sword to intercept, but her movements bore a rhythm he could not match, and he gasped as she twirled around, and sliced the katar across his chest.
The bounty hunted struggled to the ground, and Natalya crouched over his form, swiftly taking his weapons and eying him with a dour stare.
“Your swords,” Natalya whispered, “are well crafted, but they are ordinary man-made weapons.” “The katana and the wakizashi; the children of Bul-Kathos,” she mused.
“If you are to learn the techniques of the Viz-jaaq’tar, perhaps you should be aware of one of our most powerful techniques…”
“It is the technique of mind control. That is what we used to combat the mages. That is what we used to kill demons. You remain a mystery to me, a walking contradiction. Perhaps I was wrong about you, but I came here for answers, and so I shall find them.”
Tsuji could not respond, he was gasping raggedly for breath. Natalya, staring deep into his fading eyes, unleashed her mind upon him, and bore herself through the core of his being. She swam through the flow of his thoughts with even strokes, but soon found herself flailing about in the unforeseen, dark waters.
Deeper into the night, the city had settled back to its peaceful state. The theatre and the teahouse besides it lay abandoned, somber landmarks tinted in red, and yet so peacefully they lay, one would mistake it for any other business at closing time. The city had seemed to resettle itself, desperately trying to refit back into routine, but it could not hope to evade the coming tides, and little to their knowledge, this was only the calm before the storm. This is what the woman remarked to herself as she traversed the streets, lurking around the aftermath of the battle. Lilith’s dark garb made grey splotches against the shadowed snow, and the mask she wore reflected gloomily in the moonlight. She crept across the snowy ground carefully, never stopping and never lingering, but taking caution not to be noticed. She passed shops and houses alike, fluidly and unflinchingly, for she paid no attention to the people dwelling within. Lilith at last came to the end of the road, and the southern gate of the city. She passed into the snowy darkness and realized that the section of wall was missing, blown off in an act of violence.
A morbid curiosity overtook her, and she crept to the wall fitfully, in long and provoked strides. As she reached the gaping ruins of the wall, she paused and ran a hand down it to survey the handiwork. She could feel the residual traces of a dark and powerful magic seeped into the stones, and it made her shiver with excitement. Ever so lightly, the wall began to crumble and decay at her touch, and she could see the hole rifting wider and farther apart. Then something caught Lilith’s attention, an obtuse, profound feeling overcoming her, and she looked up from her engrossment with a puzzled stare. Outside of the city gates, she could see a man treading slowly towards the city. Although the atmosphere was dimmed beyond distinguishability, Lilith could recognize the stranger’s features right away. The man’s posture was bent over with wear, and he was additionally burdened with a great, heavy bastard sword weighing down on his back. His long, murky brown traveler’s cloak was frayed with chaotic disorder, much like himself, she felt. His breath produced long and winding, wheezing clouds of vapour in the cold air, and his limbs creaked and groaned in protest with every step. Most prominent of all, she noticed, was his eyes; two narrow slits of burning red, sparkling embers in a dying fire, the terrible eyes of a demon. The Ronin, she whispered, and ran through the blackened night to reach him.
0xDEADCAFE
16-02-2006, 18:36
Hi Chi,
Not sure why you decided to drop such a short post, but it drew my attention in exactly the way that longer posts often don't. I liked this, although "engrossment" seemed a bit much, and towards the end there is a description of a "wheezing" cloud that seems a bit unlikely. I can imagine the fellow wheezing as he breathed, but somehow not the cloud itself doing that. Anyway, an old high school teacher of mine used to say, no doubt quoting someone else: "In brevity, there is genius." Whether smartly or not, you've caught my interest. I may just have to check out your next post, irrespective of its length.
Dead
=p that wasn't supposed to be short but the last part didnt fit into one post. this is all supposed to be part of "chapter 1" if you can imagine. i didnt have a break in mind when i was writing, and it happened to drag on longer than usual. im in a good mood and ive come up with an idea for the next part =] it takes me a long time to write but hopefully the next part will be done sooner
RevenantsKnight
16-03-2006, 23:31
Sorry it took so long for me to get to this; things have been...busy, and are going to be that way for a little while longer.
On your second chapter: well, the plot seems solid to me, particularly with the gang intrigue. There’s a lot you could do with that, for sure, and a well-done cloak-and-dagger piece is fascinating indeed. That said, though, I couldn’t get very absorbed this chapter; there were a number of unusual shifts in the narration that lost me repeatedly. It could just be me, but this seemed to jump from thought to thought a bit oddly at times.
Also, I would strongly recommend against blatantly modeling a region of Sanctuary after an actual historical period and setting, because for one thing, most of them have already been described by Blizzard, and significant alterations to those settings will confuse readers. Additionally, there is a distinct separation between the real world and Sanctuary in terms of history, culture, et cetera, and I don’t think it’s a good idea to blur that line, because that will likely divide your story’s focus and make it less engaging, as well as bring together images and preconceptions that don’t necessarily mesh well. If you want to write a period piece on feudal Japan, I would say it’s best to set it in feudal Japan and leave off the extra baggage of the Diablo world. For Diablo, I’d suggest changing some of the names and not making your inspiration as evident as it is.
Overall, the idea looks all right, but I’d say it still needs a little smoothing out, as well as a hard look at what you want to do with this. Some specific comments:
The goal of any person, whether warrior or artisan, is to achieve Heiho.
Okay...so what’s “Heiho” in the context of the story? Honestly, I couldn’t find an answer in this chapter, and while you might explain it later, it’s confusing in this chapter. Statements this grand are often good at piquing the reader’s curiosity, but if you do use them, don’t leave your audience without an explanation.
Only through the path of Heiho can one attain life’s fulfillment. Long ago, a great warrior fought for the shogunate so that corruption would be destroyed, and the flames of revolution would bring rebirth.
I didn’t follow the transition between sentences here. Unless Heiho is the name of the “great warrior” (which didn’t seem likely to me,) I don’t see how these ideas relate to each other. If they’re separate thoughts, then they should probably be on separate paragraphs, or have some sort of transition sentence between them.
It is a rare chance that you will ever see one in Sanctuary.
I’d suggest rewording this so that it doesn’t directly address the reader with “you.” Unless the story’s supposed to be like a conversation between the reader and a character s/he knows personally, the direct address generally makes the narration seem too informal.
There are no 47 Ronin; it is a myth.
I’d recommend dropping this reference entirely because linking a true legend with the obviously fictional Diabloverse is confusing, and it also makes the historical basis for this setting all the more evident (the reasons why I think this is a problem are in my opening thoughts.) If it’s a central part of the story, I’d suggest making up your own legend, and even if its premise and message are very similar to the tale of the forty-seven ronin, it won’t seem as out of place if it’s not an obvious import from the real world.
The true Ronin are disembodied because they abhor society, defy structure, and live in chaos. If such were not the case in their previous lives, it is certainly the case for them now.
There were few things now floating around in the warrior’s one-dimensional brain.
I wasn’t sure who “the warrior” was; if it’s Tsuji, I’d just start with that so the reader has a name to put with this character early on. If it isn’t, I can understand that you may have reasons for keeping his identity a secret, but then there should be a paragraph break somewhere between this and where Tsuji first comes up, because as it is, it reads as if they’re the same person.
He held no regard for either of the two, but so long as he could benefit from them, he remained tolerable, and this was why they were constant on his mind.
“He remained tolerable” sounded odd in the context of the sentence; I’d think it should be “they remained tolerable” or “he tolerated them.”
Today would be the beginning of winter festivities, marked by the opening of a grand Kabuki playhouse.
As I mentioned earlier, I’d cut or rename historical/modern references such as “Kabuki.”
He had always considered himself to be a practical and straightforward man, and these shows tended to go against his better sensibilities, drawing out to be overly long and tedious.
“Drawing out to be overly long and tedious” read awkwardly to me. I’d suggest rewording it to something like “...telling stories that were overly long and tedious.” Either way, I’d use only one of “drawn out” and “overly long,” since they mean basically the same thing in this case.
There was only one problem, however. He was new to the city, and did not know where to go about finding work. It didn’t worry him though; his type of work always found itself.
This seemed a bit odd in that you first call Tsuji’s situation a problem, and then say that “it didn’t worry him,” et cetera. I’d suggest replacing the first sentence with something else that works as a transition, but isn’t possibly contradictory with the later part. Also, there should be a comma after “worry him.”
Like a haunting presence, the bounty hunter sat, wavering over in a dark corner of the teahouse, a ravenous wolf among sheep.
“Wavering” sounded like the wrong word to me here, as it suggests weakness or some other inability to keep oneself steady. Given the context, I’d say that you might want to find a different verb. Also, I’m guilty of this myself, but you mix imagery here with the “haunting presence” and the “wolf”; he may be both in some ways, but for the sake of consistency in this sentence, I’d stick to just one for now.
Ruijin was always reminding himself of this fact; it angered him but made him feel more diligent at the same time.
Interesting character detail... :smiley:
“Is this the place,” he asked gruffly.
The comma after “place” should be a question mark, since he asks a question. Also, I’d suggest formatting dialogue so that there are line breaks between each new speaker; especially if you have a number of bits standing alone without things like “he said,” it can get tricky to work out who’s saying what if they aren’t clearly defined from each other.
“This is the one, the Tavern of the Red Bushido.”
Erm...the name here sounds a little silly to me. The “Red Way of the Warrior” sounds more like a fighting school than a tavern, and even then, it’s a bit...well, less than ideal, I’d say.
“Do I need to explain this again,” his employer growled.
There should be a question mark instead of a comma after “again,” even if it’s a rhetorical question. Also, you previously mentioned employers, in the plural, so the switch to singular here was a little confusing; I’d word this as “...one of his employers growled.”
“Ok, I understand.”
That should be either “OK” or “Okay,” your choice.
The barbarian wasn’t stupid, but maintained the guise as his own natural defense.
“Natural” seems wrong here, since it isn’t natural at all if he’s faking it. Also, “his own” implied to me that it was his only defense, which seems rather inaccurate given his weapons. I’d just word this as “...as a defense (just in case.)”
The waitress had stalled nervously, but one look from Ruijin and they were hurriedly let in and given seats in the back, the far back of the room.
The end here seems a touch wordy; I’d just leave it at “...in the far back of the room.” The bit “...let in and...” could probably be cut, too.
Ruijin laid his axe against the wall and chose a seat.
I thought he shouldered that and “grabbed his tomahawks.” His moving weaponry is confusing me... :tongue:
He was a good bodyguard, he got the job done, but sometimes he was rather unpleasant.
Technically, the comma after “bodyguard” doesn’t work because the sentence could be split there into two separate ones. I’d just replace it with “and,” personally.
He had received word that his shipment had been attacked en route to Khanduras, leaving nothing of its crew and cargo.
I assume that there’s a reason you’re not elaborating on this shipment...if there isn’t, it may be a good idea to say what it was so the reader has a little bit of an idea about what Hiro does.
This war would cost him money, more so than the lost shipment, but he wasn’t about to be played the fool.
“To be played the fool” sounded a little odd to me...perhaps “to play the fool”?
But Hiro was already fixated upon one solution; Hiro wanted an assassination, and the play would be the most opportune moment.
I’d replace the second use of “Hiro” with “he,” since it’s less repetitive and it’s quite clear who you mean.
Being new to city and having not planned ahead, he didn’t have an assassin ready for the play and he needed one quickly.
It didn’t seem likely to me that Hiro was new to the city since it’s apparently important to the syndicates, though the lack of planning is definitely believable. I’d cut the first part, honestly.
As his toes smashed against the war axe blade, he called into being a new set of curses, their content being of temples, of the earthly body and the human body.
I’d drop everything after “curses,” because the rest doesn’t add much to the story, and it also sounds sort of odd.
“You know as well as I do that it was an organized hit and there’s only one group strong enough to compete against me.”
“Organized hit” sounded much too modern for this setting to me, as it reminded me of something like the Mafia. While that may not be a bad analogy for these folks, I’d avoid that connection as much as possible due to the technological and cultural differences.
“It’s the Chimeras, and I have a score to settle with them.”
As far as I know, chimeras aren’t part of Japanese mythology or Sanctuary’s past. I’d suggest changing this out for something more in keeping with the setting.
Any liabilities he had were always calculated, and expendable risks.
The wording at the end here is awkward, though I think I know what you were trying to say; I’d rearrange it to something like “and any risks were always acceptable ones,” if you mean that he’s careful not to risk anything he can’t afford to lose. Even so, in Yuu’s business, I’d imagine that some things expand to cover unacceptable risks every now and again.
“You’re planning an attack on the Chimeras,” he said, smacking his lips, “What do you have in mind?”
The comma after “lips” should be a period.
“So what do you want,” his colleague replied mockingly.
The comma after “want” should be a question mark. Anything in the form of a question, even a rhetorical one, should almost always take a question mark at the end.
“You haven’t given me much notice time.”
“Notice time” seems like a mix of two possibilities to me; I’d write that as “advance notice” or simply “time.”
“I know,” Hiro muttered, “It was a spur of the moment decision.”
The comma after “muttered” should be a period. In general, if you have some speech, then an attribution like “he said,” and then more speech, check if the second part is a complete sentence on its own. If it could be, it should be one.
“However unprepared Boss Mamesuke will be, he will be thinking of his own safety, as will all of the meeting attendants. Even so, I do not think the task impossible.”
The shift in attitude between these two sentences was a little confusing at first, so I might suggest breaking this dialogue after the first sentence with some sort of narration that indicates this change. For instance, something like “‘...as will all of the meeting attendants.’ Yuu paused for a moment to let this sink in, and then smiled grimly as he continued, ‘Even so...’”
“No, I do not think employment is a problem per say.”
That should be “per se.”
Hiro frowned and Yuu let out another sigh.
Minor nitpick: I don’t recall Yuu sighing before this point, so “another” seems wrong.
“They are different from the mercenaries or rent-a-knights you usually see around town.”
“Rent-a-knights” sounded a bit ridiculous to me. A more period phrase that I’ve seen is “sell-swords,” for what it’s worth.
“There are other men like your large friend here, but many of them are unsuited or unwilling for that type of work.”
Technically, that should be something like “...unsuited for or unwilling to do that kind...” You could probably fudge it with this, seeing as it’s in a conversation; if you want Yuu to sound educated or careful with his words, though, I’d use the grammatically correct wording.
“They have an honor system, and will only take jobs within their interest. This shouldn’t be a problem, but all of their kills are reported to a central base, meaning that every job they do is known to the right people.”
The first part here seems unnecessary, since it’s sort of a given for the Viz-jaaq’tar and it isn’t even a point of concern by Yuu’s own admission. I’d just cut right to the part that rules out their involvement.
“Suffice to say, they are unsuitable for our work, which means our plans, or any remnant of a plan, is destroyed.”
I wasn’t sure at first who said this; now, I think it was Yuu, but the order of quotation marks suggested otherwise. I’d just add this on to the rest of his long speech if this is Yuu speaking.
Hiro knew that his counterpart wasn’t telling him the whole truth, however.
Hrm...interesting little bit here. What makes Hiro think this, though? It may be worth describing some small action on Yuu’s part or something like that for the reader and then not saying this explicitly. If the reader can come to this conclusion without you just stating it as fact, it’ll feel more like a scene and less like a retelling.
RevenantsKnight
16-03-2006, 23:32
The seats were dragged out and bolted on the floor.
Minor nitpick: it seems a little excessive to bolt the seats down to me.
At the stroke of the hour, patrons were let in and administered to their seats.
I think you could probably drop “administered to their seats”; not only does “administered” sound wrong in this context, it’s more or less implied by the rest of the paragraph.
The stage was shrouded with a dark red curtain, and the attendants, a number of scrawny men in black suits, filled the hallways, siphoning people in the right direction.
“Siphoning” seems odd to me; I might use “ushering people to their seats” in this context, especially if you cut the “administering” part earlier.
Crowds of people came, dressed in suits and formal wear, and seated themselves along the pews, chatting idly and awaiting the presentation.
”Suits” seemed anachronistic to me, as it doesn’t really seem appropriate for either Sanctuary or pre-Meiji Japan. If this is somewhat different from the standard visions of either of these, you should make that clearer.
Hiro and his men, Yuu, Ruijin, and his other allies took seats along the western side of the theatre.
Up until this point, I wasn’t aware that Hiro and Yuu had any company other than Ruijin, so it was a little confusing to have all their allies just suddenly appear. I’d put in a sentence or two mentioning their arrival at the relevant point in the story.
As more people filed in, so did the syndicates, large groups of men trying to look inconspicuous, neither smiling nor frowning, eyes flitting around like bees, and taking strategic positions around the theatre.
I really liked this description, up until the last bit. I’d just leave that as assumed, because without it, the image is very good; the “strategic” bit sort of ruined the mental picture for me, though, by moving my attention off of them before you were finished with them.
This was to make sure that the meetings could go on without conflict; a strange custom indeed.
I’d delete this part entirely, as this is mostly just opinion from the narrator, and unless it’s important for the narrator to be an actual person, it seems odd to move away from the usual impersonal voice, if that makes any sense.
With that the performance began.
There should be a comma after “that.”
All but the stage lights were dimmed, and the curtains were slowly drawn again, a deep crimson schism, rifting further and further apart.
“Schism” sounded weird to me, since it usually means a division of people or factions, and that aside, it sounds like you’re using it to describe the space between the curtains, which doesn’t work. Even with the possible allusion to the situation here, I don’t think it works that well, and would suggest replacing it. Also, there’s the technology issue again here: dimming the lights implies that they are electric and not torches or whatever. War axes and electric lights are at enough of a contrast that this is definitely confusing; I’d suggest explaining a bit more about this world, because as it is, it feels like the reader’s supposed to fill in the blanks for Sanctuary and Japan, and neither of them are working, really.
Three figures appeared on the stage dressed in fine costumes, wearing richly decorated kimonos, and drabbed in long, silken scarves.
Er...the only verb form of “drab” that I can find means “to consort with prostitutes.” Methinks this needs some changing...
“Long have I trained, tirelessly across the country, studying the principles of Heiho.”
“Tirelessly across the country” sounds like it needs a verb at the beginning. “Journeying,” perhaps?
The man wore a suit of all white, matching with the white mask over his face.
Since you say “matching,” the second use of “white” here is unnecessary.
“If there is one thing you lack however, it s the principles of Zen, of iron resolve.”
That should be “it is the principle of Zen,” and there should be a comma after “lack.” Also, this is another case where I might change out “Zen” for something that isn’t in the real world, for the reasons given previously.
With that the other figure, on the warrior’s right, crept up across the stage.
There should be a comma after “that,” and I might reword the middle of the sentence to “...another figure on the warrior’s right crept...” to cut down on commas.
Silent and secret were his steps, and he approached her like a nighttime predator.
I thought this was a nice bit of description.
His clothes were all in black, and his mask had a wicked snare painted across its lips.
Hrm...not sure if you actually mean “snare” here; “snarl” seems more appropriate, but “snare” is an interesting image...if you did mean “snare,” you might want to work it into the story a little more so that it’s more obvious what you meant.
“Power, though, is absolute, and through its absolution will you find Heiho.”
“Absolution” is from “to absolve,” which means “to pardon” or “to remove blame.” I doubt that’s what you meant here, and would recommend you find a different wording.
Overall, I think that this needs some cleaning up, but the general idea here looks like it should be quite workable. Thanks for posting!
Thanks for your review Revenant. Though again I find myself disagreeing with you sometimes, you are very helpful. In this story, I have a very specific idea laid out of how I want things to be, which is actually not the case for the other things I'm writing. So forgive me if you find me constantly rejecting your suggestions, but you are actually helping me clarify things the way I want them to be.
On your second chapter: well, the plot seems solid to me, particularly with the gang intrigue. There’s a lot you could do with that, for sure, and a well-done cloak-and-dagger piece is fascinating indeed.I was worried that the shifts would be somewhat confusing, but looking back at it I am satisfied with the results. The "gang intrigue" is actually a minor portion of the story, and I'll be pretty much dropping it after this chapter.
That said, though, I couldn’t get very absorbed this chapter; there were a number of unusual shifts in the narration that lost me repeatedly. It could just be me, but this seemed to jump from thought to thought a bit oddly at times.
I'm wondering if you had read the other section when you made this comment because by the end I should have tied everything together quite strongly. This first half was quite strange but fun for me to write.
Okay...so what’s “Heiho” in the context of the story? Honestly, I couldn’t find an answer in this chapter, and while you might explain it later, it’s confusing in this chapter. Statements this grand are often good at piquing the reader’s curiosity, but if you do use them, don’t leave your audience without an explanation.In this case I want to leave this as an easter egg. admittedly, planting things in the story is something that i enjoy doing. This little paragraph is not crucial to the story, so the reader can sort of come to his own conclusion if he likes. you can look it up if you like but are in no way obligated to
I didn’t follow the transition between sentences here. Unless Heiho is the name of the “great warrior” (which didn’t seem likely to me,) I don’t see how these ideas relate to each other. If they’re separate thoughts, then they should probably be on separate paragraphs, or have some sort of transition sentence between them.Heiho is the path to enlightenment, which is just as important as enlightenment itself. that is what links the two sentences. I will add a stronger link between the two in the next revision
Also, I would strongly recommend against blatantly modeling a region of Sanctuary after an actual historical period and setting, because for one thing, most of them have already been described by Blizzard, and significant alterations to those settings will confuse readers. Additionally, there is a distinct separation between the real world and Sanctuary in terms of history, culture, et cetera, and I don’t think it’s a good idea to blur that line, because that will likely divide your story’s focus and make it less engaging, as well as bring together images and preconceptions that don’t necessarily mesh well. If you want to write a period piece on feudal Japan, I would say it’s best to set it in feudal Japan and leave off the extra baggage of the Diablo world. For Diablo, I’d suggest changing some of the names and not making your inspiration as evident as it is.I will have to disagree with you here. You are reading too much into the settings. This is not intended to be historical fiction or anywhere close to that. It is still story based on Diablo. It is the continuation to my earlier story and as you will see, the plot is heavily set in the Diablo world.
At the same time, there is a sort of Japanese link, though I would suggest not as strong as you see it. I made this link because it can be naturally established. Assassins have a ninja-like feel to them don't they? (look at the weapons she (http://www.battle.net/diablo2exp/classes/assassin.shtml) is carrying =p ) Barbarians also can have a Japanese link to them. They are a warrior society that lives in the snowy mountains. They devote themselves to weapons masteries, and they use very powerful attacks. they also are skilled at using large weapons, like two-handed swords. As well, they have a rare dual weilding technique, and afterall, who is a most famous dual-weilding swordsman? :thumbsup:
I’d suggest rewording this so that it doesn’t directly address the reader with “you.” Unless the story’s supposed to be like a conversation between the reader and a character s/he knows personally, the direct address generally makes the narration seem too informal.I will remove this to be more consistent. I think it sounds better now.
I’d recommend dropping this reference entirely because linking a true legend with the obviously fictional Diabloverse is confusing, and it also makes the historical basis for this setting all the more evident (the reasons why I think this is a problem are in my opening thoughts.) If it’s a central part of the story, I’d suggest making up your own legend, and even if its premise and message are very similar to the tale of the forty-seven ronin, it won’t seem as out of place if it’s not an obvious import from the real world.This is another easter egg which is not too important to get caught up with but it is one of the important themes in the story. I mention it in passing to make note of its relevance.
I wasn’t sure who “the warrior” was; if it’s Tsuji, I’d just start with that so the reader has a name to put with this character early on. If it isn’t, I can understand that you may have reasons for keeping his identity a secret, but then there should be a paragraph break somewhere between this and where Tsuji first comes up, because as it is, it reads as if they’re the same person.In this case it is indeed referring to Tsuji. I dont reveal the name right away because thats a strange quirk in this series :hide: I will fix the link between "the warrior" and Tsuji here next revision.
The comma after “place” should be a question mark, since he asks a question. Also, I’d suggest formatting dialogue so that there are line breaks between each new speaker; especially if you have a number of bits standing alone without things like “he said,” it can get tricky to work out who’s saying what if they aren’t clearly defined from each other.I have to fix this in a number of places in this story and the previous one. I wasnt sure how to use quotations :scratch:
“Natural” seems wrong here, since it isn’t natural at all if he’s faking it. Also, “his own” implied to me that it was his only defense, which seems rather inaccurate given his weapons. I’d just word this as “...as a defense (just in case.)”It is natural for him to be that way. That is his persona you could say
I thought he shouldered that and “grabbed his tomahawks.” His moving weaponry is confusing me...hmm he takes the axe off his back so it doesnt poke him while hes sitting down :P ill change this a bit
I assume that there’s a reason you’re not elaborating on this shipment...if there isn’t, it may be a good idea to say what it was so the reader has a little bit of an idea about what Hiro does.Well, they are moving weapons or materials then. I will add this in
“To be played the fool” sounded a little odd to me...perhaps “to play the fool”?"To be played the fool" Isn't that how that expression goes?
It didn’t seem likely to me that Hiro was new to the city since it’s apparently important to the syndicates, though the lack of planning is definitely believable. I’d cut the first part, honestly.You're right, I think that he is not new to the city.
I’d drop everything after “curses,” because the rest doesn’t add much to the story, and it also sounds sort of odd.alright, that was kind of an attempt at a joke. i will never try at humour again -_-
As far as I know, chimeras aren’t part of Japanese mythology or Sanctuary’s past. I’d suggest changing this out for something more in keeping with the setting.I dont think this is so important
The comma after “want” should be a question mark. Anything in the form of a question, even a rhetorical one, should almost always take a question mark at the end.Thanks for the quick grammar lesson. I will try to remember this
The shift in attitude between these two sentences was a little confusing at first, so I might suggest breaking this dialogue after the first sentence with some sort of narration that indicates this change. For instance, something like “‘...as will all of the meeting attendants.’ Yuu paused for a moment to let this sink in, and then smiled grimly as he continued, ‘Even so...’”
Your attention to detail has paid off. I am adding something in between and I think it sounds better now
The first part here seems unnecessary, since it’s sort of a given for the Viz-jaaq’tar and it isn’t even a point of concern by Yuu’s own admission. I’d just cut right to the part that rules out their involvement.I dont think thats a given, and this was intended as a foreshadowing for something later, but now since it's been so long, I do not remember what. :o unfortunately, I have a lot of ideas but I write so slowly that I may not get to them all. I will cut this out at a later time if I find it irrelevant
Up until this point, I wasn’t aware that Hiro and Yuu had any company other than Ruijin, so it was a little confusing to have all their allies just suddenly appear. I’d put in a sentence or two mentioning their arrival at the relevant point in the story.
That was in the teahouse, this is when they are in the theatre
I really liked this description, up until the last bit. I’d just leave that as assumed, because without it, the image is very good; the “strategic” bit sort of ruined the mental picture for me, though, by moving my attention off of them before you were finished with them.Sounds good. I took out the last part
“Absolution” is from “to absolve,” which means “to pardon” or “to remove blame.” I doubt that’s what you meant here, and would recommend you find a different wording.I think this works as a play on words
Thanks again, Revenant. I'm now into the next Chapter of the story, which will be another change of pace. It will take weeks to finish it though, maybe a month or longer. I will say that I am very pleased at the way this series is turning out, and I will be continuing it for a while
RevenantsKnight
28-03-2006, 02:18
Hi, chi987. Good to hear that these are helping, and that you’re disagreeing with me sometimes...I can definitely be off with some comments. :smiley:
I'm wondering if you had read the other section when you made this comment because by the end I should have tied everything together quite strongly.
Whoops...I should have said “post,” not “chapter,” there. So no, I haven’t read the rest yet. My comment was more about the way you handle sentence transitions and such, though, and as the reader will first see those without knowing what happens in the entire chapter, I’m not sure why it’d matter if I’d read the other parts or not. The ideas may work well in the chapter as a whole, and I’m not saying that they don’t. What I meant by this is that the transitions between sentences aren’t very smooth in some points, and that confused me enough to make me stop reading for a few seconds to puzzle things out. My comment on the second passage that I quote is example of what I mean.
In this case I want to leave this as an easter egg. admittedly, planting things in the story is something that i enjoy doing. This little paragraph is not crucial to the story, so the reader can sort of come to his own conclusion if he likes. you can look it up if you like but are in no way obligated to
Oh...well, that might be a problem, because not knowing what “Heiho” was interfered with my understanding of the story. Given that, I’d argue that the reader is obligated to look it up, in a way. I have no problem with fun references and such, and I make a few of them myself, but if you’re going to leave them undefined, then I’d suggest making them less prominent, because the mystery here messed with the story’s comprehensibility.
Heiho is the path to enlightenment, which is just as important as enlightenment itself. that is what links the two sentences. I will add a stronger link between the two in the next revision
This is an example of what I said above; because I didn’t know that it meant the path to enlightenment, the link seemed weird, which made the story confusing. One or two of these wouldn’t be too bad, but “Heiho” comes up enough that I’d think you’d need to throw out more hints, at the very least.
I will have to disagree with you here. You are reading too much into the settings.
Hey out there to all the other people reading this: anyone else want to offer an opinion? I really don’t want this to end up being a “Well, I think...” back-and-forth.
That said, words like “kabuki” and “ronin,” as well as the names, just seem loaded; perhaps it’s just me, but there’s no way I can’t bring in some associations from past or current Japanese history/culture after reading those, especially since you refer to actual elements such as the story of the forty-seven ronin. My point is that those associations divert attention from the Diablo world, as well as the story itself.
Assassins have a ninja-like feel to them don't they?
A bit, but they’re not from the Northlands, as far as I can tell. As a branch of the Vizjerei, they probably hail mostly from the East, so I don’t see how that impacts Barbarian culture.
Barbarians also can have a Japanese link to them.
There are some similarities, yes, but I’d argue that because Blizzard never brought anything strongly resembling feudal Japan or Japanese culture into their depictions of the Northern lands, this depiction can be confusing.
It is natural for him to be that way. That is his persona you could say
Oh, okay...I like the idea, and in that context, I guess “natural” works, though it may be worth trying to find something a little less ambiguous here, since “natural” has a bunch of meanings.
"To be played the fool" Isn't that how that expression goes?
Hrm...I’ve never heard of such an expression. Anyone else want to jump in here?
I think this works as a play on words
Now that you mention it, it does, in a way. I totally missed that the first time around...:duh:
I will say that I am very pleased at the way this series is turning out, and I will be continuing it for a while
:smiley:
RevenantsKnight
07-04-2006, 03:21
On your third post: I had a bit of a hard time following the story up until the fighting, because you jump around from character to character and scene to scene in some places rather abruptly. Also, there were a few times where I’m pretty sure you were being deliberately vague, but those points did more to confuse me than add to the story. There were still some good points here, such as certain phrasings, but overall, I thought this piece needed to be clearer. As before, my previous comments concerning the setting and technology still apply. Some specific thoughts:
His eyes narrowed, and his gaze was locked on that one section of pews, along the eastern side of the playhouse.
The combination of the active voice (“narrowed”) and the passive voice (“was locked”) here read oddly to me; I’d suggest sticking with just one, and one way to do that would be to build one idea into the other with something like “His narrowed eyes were locked...” Also, “that” seems unnecessary here.
His opponent was occupied with the play, seeming all too smug, in his opinion. Hiro drew back with disgust, but then a smirk crept slowly across his face.
It could just be me, and what you have could be grammatically correct as it is, but I thought the “in his opinion” was a bit ambiguous. For clarity, I might reword it to “in Hiro’s opinion.” If you do this, I’d replace “Hiro” in the second sentence with “He.”
In different circumstances, they would have been allies, perhaps friends, but they were both businessmen, and they were both competitors.
The wording here seems like it could use a little more precision; I’d change “would” to “might,” since it’s probably not true for every other set of circumstances that they would have been allies. Also, I’d add something to the end to emphasize that they are against each other; the idea’s quite clear in general, but this sentence seemed to downplay that fact a bit. Something like “...and now, they were competitors” would work, I’d say.
His long, slender fingers were buried in his pockets, save a few dangling out like branches swaying in the wind, and Hiro could see them brushing against the wickedly sharp wakizashi sheathed at his side.
The branches image is kind of nice, in my opinion, though branches don’t really “dangle” from anything. I might suggest using a different verb there, one closer to the idea of something moving with the wind. Another nitpick: if the wakizashi’s in a scabbard (which I assume it is from “sheathed,” and carrying it with an open blade is not the best of ideas,) Hiro should not be able to see that it’s “wickedly sharp.”
They had been talking business when a solitary man, a stranger walked in on their table.
I think the comma and “a stranger” are unnecessary here. If you keep them both, though, there should be a second comma after “stranger.” Also, “walked in on” sounded odd to me; I’d use “walked up to,” personally.
Ruijin took one look at the man and his hand dropped, clattering his utensils to the ground and straying towards his tomahawks.
The way this is worded, Ruijin’s hand is clattering, just as it’s also straying later. I’d just drop “clattering his utensils to the ground,” honestly, since the point is that he’s going for his weapons, and the extra detail here distracts from that, and it can be assumed anyway.
Then he felt a small lump; Hiro was kicking him under the table.
I think you meant “bump,” because “lump” would imply a lump in the floor or something.
That probably meant to let him live, the barbarian sighed.
Unless Ruijin actually says this part (which I don’t think is the case,) this should read something like “...the barbarian thought, and sighed,” so that it’s clear that he thinks this.
“Who might you be,” Yuu replied sourly.
The comma after “be” should be a question mark.
“I’m a tradesman if you will.”
There should be a comma after “tradesman.”
“A bounty hunter,” spat Ruijin, “His kind are rampant all over our land, ever since the new king opened up trade to the South. Scum like him are clogging up the streets with bodies, and leaving us out of work.”
The comma after “Ruijin” should be a period. Also, everything after that point sounded out of character for the barbarian; I’d assume that everyone there is more or less aware of those facts, given their occupations. Additionally, it doesn’t sound very much like something a bodyguard would bother saying; more than anything, it seems like you’re trying to tell the reader a few facts. If that’s the case, the intent’s just fine, but I’d make it a little less obvious.
At this outburst, Yuu scowled at Ruijin and the stranger continued.
“Pleased to have your acquaintance, but I did not address you.”
I’d make the period after “continued” a comma and put this all on one line; in general, if you have verbs that indicate speech, such as “continued,” and then some spoken part immediately after, they should be in the same sentence. Also, I think the phrasing is usually “Pleased to make your acquaintance.”
“As you may suspect, stealth is of the essence,” said Yuu in his usual tone, “How do we know that you won’t be traceable back to us?”
The comma after “tone” should be a period; if you have something in this structure, with a spoken part, then narration, and then another spoken part, if the second spoken part is a sentence on its own, the entire thing should be two sentences, with the break coming after the narration.
In response to the question, Tsuji glanced at Yuu, tainted with all the latent rage of a demon in man’s form, and rasped with grated voice in a brief expenditure of breath, one that seemed distant and forlorn.
“I am simply alone. I am a Ronin.”
This should all be one sentence and on the same line, for reasons given previously. Additionally, “demon in man’s form” should be “demon in a man’s form,” and “rasped with grated voice” is redundant; simply “grated” or “rasped” should be enough to get the point across. I’d also suggest cutting “in a brief expenditure of breath,” because it seems too wordy and distracts the reader from what his voice is like, and “forlorn” has sad, depressed connotations, which don’t match “grated/rasped” very well.
More importantly, the description of Tsuji’s demonic taint was far too blatant for my tastes. First off, it’s probably not the best idea to spill everything about him this early; if you move this information to somewhere after he goes on his rampage later in this chapter, you can build up some suspense as the reader wonders how the heck he mowed through so many people. As it is, I knew going into the fight that he’d end up annihilating all the mob goons, and that sort of killed some of the excitement for me. Secondly, it feels like smacking the reader upside the head with the idea...no one will miss it, that’s for sure, but it doesn’t win many style points either. I mean, Ruijin figured it out just by the sound of his voice; obviously he didn’t have a narrator telling him that it was “a demon in man’s form.” If you can get the idea across to the reader in that manner, just on the basis of observations and conversation alone, then it’ll feel much more real.
His change, though incredibly rapid and flaring with intensity, was subtle, and Ruijin paused in alert, although his two employers paid no heed.
I’d think that you could just leave this as “Ruijin paused, alerted, although...” since the rest of this is sort of implied by the previous sentence, and besides, it might be overkill to spell this all out for the reader.
“What does he mean,” coughed Hiro.
The comma here should be a question mark, inside the quotation marks.
“It would mean that firstly, he can handle his own and secondly, he should be an unknown in the city.”
There should be a comma after “own.”
With the burning red evening sky, she seemed almost camouflaged against the horizon, her blood-red cape swirling around her like a cloak.
I’d drop “like a cloak,” since capes and cloaks are somewhat similar anyway; the comparison just seems to state the obvious. Alternatively, you could replace it with a more evocative image, but I don’t think one is necessary here.
Natalya probed the city with questing eyes and crept across the main city’s avenues, searching about with a usual self-ordained diligence.
Minor nitpick: I think that should be “her usual diligence,” as that would imply “self-ordained” in fewer words, in my opinion.
The aftermath of the previous night’s events had brought her to a heightened guard; she was now convinced that something lay at the heart of the city, layered deep within its foundations, corroding it from within.
Hrm...is this the same city mentioned in the first chapter? If it is, I’d say there should be more of a nervous feel in the city and among the crime lords, given that they woke up to find the gate bearing impact marks from that meteorite. Either way, it’s not really clear if this is the same place, so I’d be a little more specific if possible.
She grimaced, and pulled out a cigarette, reflexively lighting it upon will and drawing back a long plume of smoke, but quickly expelled it with a short cough as the acrid fumes contacted her lungs.
“Lighting it upon will” sounded really odd to me; I’d drop “upon will,” because I wasn’t sure if it really added anything.
Stamping the butt out, she moved through the city calmly.
The way this is worded, the two actions here (stamping the butt out and moving through the city) sound as if they’re equivalent in terms of length, which reads weirdly. I’d change the second part here to something like “she resumed her calm pace,” since the resumption itself is a momentary action, and it implies that the longer continuation follows.
Natalya had begun by patrolling the streets and keeping a record of people that she could, with a sharp eye for those out of the ordinary, but as her routine continued on in the day, she could sense a dampening of spirits and a loathing, repulsive aura about her. The people, she noticed, had begun to stray from her path, and all activity would seemingly halt in her presence.
I’d suggest dropping “a dampening of spirits...,” etc. from the first sentence, because its meaning is not really clear until the second sentence; since it relies on the explanation there to make its point, I’d just cut that part and combine these two into something like “...day, she noticed that the people had begun...”
While she could easily have resorted to more evasive measures, she concluded, with a sigh, that the whispers were fast-catching in the wind, and slowly with time, her order was being exposed.
I thought “fast-catching in the wind” sounded a little awkward, and I’d drop “with time,” since “slowly” by itself gets the idea across. Also, the commas before and after “with a sigh” are unnecessary.
Jade motioned to the dark shogun and the other crept away, unphased by the former’s presence.
That should be “unfazed.” Also, it’s not clear who “the other” is in this sentence; grammatically, it appears to be the dark shogun, but the context suggests otherwise. Going along those lines, “the former” appears to be Jade, but that doesn’t make a lot of sense either. More generally, the shift from Natalya to Jade was too sudden, in my opinion; I’d try to give some other indication that you’re moving to another scene, because it was confusing on a first read.
“Jade,” called the shogun, “A new power is emerging out of the West, one set to throttle the current shogunate out of existence.”
The “A” here should not be capitalized; were the shogun’s speech written out without interruption, there would be a comma after “Jade,” and so the “A” would be in lowercase.
“When that time comes, the strong shall survive and the rightful shall be made rulers.”
I’d suggest replacing “rightful” here with something else; it doesn’t tell the reader anything since you don’t say what his conception of right and wrong is like, really.
“How am I to do that,” Jade asked.
If she asked, her speech should end with a question mark.
Quietly he walked across aisles and aisles of patrons, until he reached the eastern wall of the theatre.
The comma after “patrons” is unnecessary, and you need a comma after “Quietly.”
At the very front were the Chimera clan and their allies, occupying the front rows of pews.
Everything after “allies” is redundant and could be removed, since you say “At the very front.”
Tsuji found a vacant seat just below the reserved seats, sat down, and smiled, searching through the sea of heads for his target.
Nitpick: that should be “behind the reserved seats,” unless he’s literally beneath them.
“Natalya, glad you could make it.”
I assume you have a reason for leaving this other speaker unknown...either way, though, I thought that this dialogue was a bit hard to follow, because it’s easy to lose track of who’s speaking when there are few names and a fat block of text. I’d suggest adding in more bits like “Natalya replied,” at the very least.
“What choice did I have; this situation is getting rather out of control.”
That should be “What choice did I have? This situation...”
“You aren’t searching for Bartuc are you?”
I had no idea who said this, which messed up the rest of the dialogue for me until the “Very well, Natalya” eight lines down. That confusion is really unnecessary and hurts the story’s flow, so I’d recommend making it clear who says this. Also, there should be a comma after “Bartuc.”
“You asked me to search for someone within the city, a Ronin.”
I don’t think “ronin” is usually capitalized.
“Find him,” Natalya snapped immediately, “I don’t know this man; better to err on the side of caution.”
The comma after “immediately” should be a period, and the end of the sentence, with the second part of dialogue starting another one.
“I’ve already sent someone,”
The comma at the end here should be a period.
“Is that so,” Natalya replied, regaining her composure as instantly as she had lost it, “I don’t recall giving you command over my men.”
The comma after “it” should be a period, and the end of the sentence, with the second part of dialogue starting another one.
They were still sheathed however, so he feigned ignorance, and continued to watch the play. Tsuji yawned and looked forwards, not to the stage, but to the men in front of him, now seemingly losing interest in him, a clumsy but harmless, yet ceremonially armed patron behind them.
Since he’s already looking forwards in the first sentence (he’s watching the play,) it sounded odd to say “looked forwards” in the second, since that’s really no different from before. I’d word this as something like “shifted his gaze away from the stage,” so that it’s clear that he’s changing his behavior a little. Also, “clumsy but harmless” doesn’t work grammatically, because “but” suggests a contradiction, and there isn’t one between those words. I’d replace it with “and” or perhaps a comma.
He smirked; anyone could walk around armed to the teeth, and it was quite normal.
This sounded unnecessary, since you note above that he’d be taken as “ceremonially armed.” As they’re not paying attention to him anymore, it suggests that such behavior is normal.
There were about ten people seated along each pew, for six pews, and all of them carried weapons, mostly swords, Tsuji remarked.
Unless he actually says this out loud, I’d replace “remarked” with something else, such as “noted.”
As the play progressed, she crept into the shogun’s palace, decapacitating the guards with a venomous potion she coated along the sharp edges of her shuriken.
“Decapacitating” should be “incapacitating.”
Now, Jade was in the master bedroom, a long, sharp dagger hovering above in her right hand indecisively.
Technically, this sentence doesn’t say what the dagger is hovering above. I’d specify whatever it is, and move “indecisively” to right after “hovering.”
“Kill him,” came the dark shogun’s deep voice, emanating from somewhere beyond the stage, “He will be the first in a long and bloody war.”
The comma after “stage” should be a period; if you have something in this structure, with a spoken part, then narration, and then another spoken part, if the second spoken part is a sentence on its own, the entire thing should be two sentences, with the break coming after the narration. This comes up a lot in the story, so I’d say it’d be a good idea to check specifically for this error in future pieces.
The curtains began to close and the lights dimmed once again.
As noted previously, dimming suggests electric lights, which seems pretty out of place.
RevenantsKnight
07-04-2006, 03:21
As the lights faded to darkness, Tsuji got up out of his seat, a crooked smile, hidden in the tumultuous bustle of the audience, splayed across his face.
I’d drop the “hidden” part, since it splits the subject (“smile”) from the verb (“splayed.”) In general, separating those two elements is not a good idea.
He drew his wakizashi and grabbed the hilt, the long, bony fingers locking into a straight thrusting grip.
“Grabbed the hilt” is unnecessary, since he’d have to do so in order to draw the weapon. Also, “the long, bony fingers” should be “his long, bony fingers.”
The sliding sound of the wakizashi ran like church bells in his ears, but to his target ahead of him, it was quietly muffled.
I assume “ran” should be “rang,” and the simile doesn’t quite work in my mind, since you’ve already loaded the setting full of feudal Japan and the associated implications; with those in mind, I’d think that most of the people here don’t even know of churches. As that image is not one that fits their world, it feels awkward. Also, “of him” is unnecessary and can be deleted.
With a great leap, Tsuji was propelled into the ranks of syndicates, over the heads of the back row, and onto an empty space in the pews one row ahead.
I’d change “was propelled” to the active voice, maybe “propelled himself,” so that it doesn’t sound so much like he just stood there and got thrown forwards by some other force.
He pushed over the injured companion with a kick and headed towards the disarmed man, finishing the kill with three deft strikes.
“Companion” sounds weird here, as it makes it sound like the person is Tsuji’s companion...and that can’t be right. Also, I don’t remember another “disarmed man,” so my best guess is that the companion and the disarmed man are the same person, but that’s definitely not the way it reads at first.
With a new path cut down the centre, Tsuji advanced forward another row with a quick dash, too quick for the syndicates to make their objections known.
That should be “too quickly,” since it describes an action, not an object.
All that was seen to them was a blur of inordinate speed, forming into the crooked cynical smile of the lanky man, absently spinning around his wakizashi like a child’s toy.
The first part here could be condensed to “All they saw was...”
The screeching sound of metal on metal vibrated through the room and both men struggled with strength to overcome the parry.
“With strength” is unnecessary.
The bounty hunter disengaged with a sharp twist, again dodging a near fatal strike as the blade rushed past him.
“Near-fatal” is usually hyphenated.
The narrow rows of the theatre were not conductive to group fighting, but he saw the guards getting anxious as they flanked him on both sides of the row, a man to each side, with others lined up behind him.
“Getting anxious” sounded too much like a summary to me in this case, as well as too informal. I’d suggest trying to reword this a bit so that the focus is more on what could be easily observed, such as expressions.
Most of them were wielding katanas, but he saw the long reflection of broadswords, the quick flash of the gladius, and other foreign weapons twinkle about him in the now full moonlight streaming through the windows.
I didn’t think this was really necessary, and it slowed down the pace of the scene a bit too much, in my opinion.
Mamesuke and his counterparts had not left, because they were confident the men would kill him, making his job all the more easier.
I think the comma after “left” is unnecessary.
As their blades clashed, he wrapped his left hand around his katana, and his long fingers wrenched it out in a reverse grip.
I’m not really sure what happened throughout this paragraph, other than that the guy Tsuji was fighting ends up dead. I’d suggest rewording the descriptions here so that the reader gets a better mental image of what happens.
The warrior stumbled backwards but managed to draw his own wakizashi, and parried it with another great clash.
Here, the “it” refers to his wakizashi, and it reads as if he parried it with, well...something else. I suspect that you meant that he blocked Tsuji’s attack with his wakizashi, and if that’s the case, this needs to be worded differently.
“To not know all of your weapons equally is inexcusable,” he said lightly to the dying man, “Someone once told me that, and now I know why.”
There’s a common error here involving two sections of speech and commas. I’ve mentioned it repeatedly, so I’ll leave the details to you; let me know if you can’t find it.
From the side borders, two other syndicates nodded and approached Tsuji.
In general, I think your use of “syndicate” to mean a single gang member is incorrect; the word is usually used to describe a crime organization as a whole, not an individual agent. I’d replace every instance of this with some other word, such as “enforcer” or “bodyguard.”
He heard the footsteps grow heavier into a sprint, and he felt the air behind them slightly compress with force.
If they’re charging him from both sides, how can he feel the air behind them? Shouldn’t he be unable to detect that until after they’ve attacked? Also, I’d word “the footsteps” as “their footsteps.”
Their aims were true, and he felt both swords inch towards his chest with every passing moment.
“Inch” seemed a bit too lackluster a word for this situation; even if he’s imagining the blades approaching in slow motion, they should have enough momentum behind them to go significantly faster than that. Also, it’s not a particularly exciting word; if you want the reader to feel more of a sense of urgency regarding the attacks, then I’d suggest using a faster, more action-oriented verb. As it is, it’s a bit obvious that they’re not going to score hits.
He stood in stalemate with one of the larger fighters, brandishing a large katana cautiously in front of him.
The way this is worded, Tsuji is the one “brandishing a large katana...” If you meant for his opponent to be doing this (which seems likely,) I’d word it as “...fighters, who brandished...” Also, “brandishing” seems a bit contradictory with regard to “cautiously,” as the first word suggests that the act is menacing.
Tsuji glimpsed again at the front stage and noticed that the syndicates were rapidly relaying orders to Mamesuke, who looked furious but still unbudging against the assassin.
Hrm...now why would the fighters be relaying orders “to” Mamesuke? He’s more their boss than they are his, I’d think...did you mean “from” instead? Also, “unbudging” is technically not a word; while I get what you were saying, you could try to find an alternative if you want to stick with stuff in the dictionary.
Tsuji saw an opening on the closest warrior and side slashed at his chest with a flick of the wakizashi.
I’d drop “side” here, since it doesn’t really add anything to the description. Also, “an opening on” is a little awkward; I might try to reword that as “...opening in the closest warrior’s defense...,” since as it is, it sounds like he’s wounded already or something.
The fighter jumped back and managed to parry, but Tsuji reversed his swing with another slight flick, as if holding a fan, and slid across the man’s now exposed chest.
That should be “...slid the blade (or whatever) across...”
His hands flowed with the sword as he added faints and weaves into his movements, twisting slashes into jabs, then reversing and slashing once again.
That should be “feints and weaves.” “Feint” refers to faking a move in combat, while “faint” is an adjective meaning “pale,” “weak,” or “distant.”
He made a sharp kick to the broken man’s knee, who folded soon after.
Grammatically, that should be “...which folded...” since it refers to his knee. If you meant for this to refer to the man, you’ll have to reword the sentence.
The bounty hunter edged forwards, cutting a line through the ranks or warriors like a paring knife.
I think that you meant “ranks of warriors” there.
The wakizashi flicked forwards and back at lightning speed, wavering like a snake upon his opponents.
“Wavering” seemed wrong to me here, since it has a sort of weak connotation. I might just drop the simile altogether.
The remaining syndicate fighters were rooted to the ground, after seeing the lanky man’s display.
The comma after “ground” is unnecessary.
His massive stature cast a long shadow down the length of the stage, and his booming voice seemed to shake its foundation.
Er...he hasn’t said anything, so I wasn’t sure why you refer to his voice. That was a little confusing, at any rate.
Overall, I’d say that the fight had its moments, but the part leading up to it was probably more confusing than it needed to be. I think this needs a little more clarity at some points, but it’s a start. I’ll get to more as I can, and thanks for posting!
RevenantsKnight
03-06-2006, 23:55
On the rest of your latest chapter: to be honest, I thought this was a bit awkward for a number of reasons. One issue I had with this was that I couldn’t really figure out why some of the characters, particularly Tsuji, did what they did; even if the reader doesn’t or shouldn’t really know a character’s motivation at this point, there should be some hints leading the reader in a general direction (even if that direction may be revealed as wrong later) so that events don’t seem quite as random. Secondly, there were some bits on the plot or the background story that felt forced in. The overall grammar and spelling don’t help too much on this count, either; there were definitely some parts that were unclear for mechanical reasons. On a positive note, what I could catch of the plot looks interesting. Some specific comments:
“However, I wonder as to what your motives are, or more specifically, what your master’s motives are.”
This felt unrealistic to me, in that I doubt that Mamesuke would spend so much time just talking, given the circumstances. I’d see if you can’t cut most of this sentence.
“Is that so,” Mamesuke said stonily, “I have long felt a foreboding presence around this place, and even then, I knew that my position here would not last. However, I have been gathering information for such an ill-fated meeting as this.”
The comma after “stonily” should be a period. More generally, I don’t think that this extended explanation works here, because as with the instance noted above, Mamesuke sounds too willing to engage in conversation, and this seems like spilling more information than would be characteristic of a mob leader. Additionally, the language here is pretty heavy on the drama, perhaps overly so; “I have long felt a foreboding,” for instance, isn’t something out of most people’s normal diction. For these reasons, this felt a lot like the narrator trying to get in a few points as opposed to Mamesuke speaking. I’d think that it’d be enough to just have him hint at a few things, personally.
“Deep within the darkest of circles, my network had informed me of some interesting news, but no one was sure to believe it. There is a rumour spreading of a Ronin wandering these lands, one who is a master of weapons and one who wishes to destroy all civilization he contacts.”
As noted above, this gets rather grandiose, which makes this a lot less believable as dialogue. I’d trim this down some, if not a whole lot, because this just seems unrealistic. At the very least, I’d ease up on the absolute terms here, such as “darkest of circles,” “no one was sure to believe it” and “destroy all civilization he contacts,” as that sort of language really makes this sound overdone.
“…Very well,” grunted the syndicate leader, “You opt the way of forcefulness.”
The comma after “leader” should be a period, and I think the last part should read “opt for.”
People like him had a knack for cunning, both off and on the battlefield.
It’s unclear to whom “People like him” refers; grammatically, it appears to be Tsuji, but the context would suggest otherwise. I’d suggest rewording this so that the meaning is clear.
He inched closer and closer and saw Mamesuke’s frame fill the space of his vision.
“Inched” seems like the wrong word here, since it suggests that he approaches gradually, or at least with less haste than indicated in previous sentences. I’d switch it out for another verb, and probably drop “closer and closer” too, for the same reason. “Space” also seems a little odd, and I might use “field” instead, though it may work as it is.
But then his ears suddenly pricked and he forced himself back in startlement.
“Startlement” isn’t a word; I’d use “surprise” here. Also, “his ears suddenly pricked” reads as if his ears pricked something, which is probably not what you mean. I’d either reword this to focus on what he hears or use “perked up” or something.
The tall syndicate leader took a deep inhale of cold mountain air, and then let out a buffeting war song.
“Took a deep inhale” sounded odd to me; I’d just use “breath” here, personally.
A jolt of energy surged through the room, even more amplified by the dynamics of the playhouse.
I’d reword the second part of this sentence somewhat, because the idea of energy being amplified is a bit questionable in this context, and the wording’s a little awkward too, in my opinion. I might focus more on describing the energy itself.
Tsuji stumbled backwards and clutched his ears, quickly sheathing his swords.
This reads as if he sheaths his swords and covers his ears at the same time. Unless his anatomy is really weird, I’d suggest rewording this.
It was all he could do; the low pitched boom was one that he had never experienced before; nay, he uttered through gritted teeth, one that you could not prepare for.
Everything after the second semicolon felt a bit out of place to me, as it’s not something that seems in character for Tsuji to say. I’d think that he’d just try to fight through it and not say anything, at least based on your portrayal of him so far. I’d suggest just cutting that part.
Tsuji grit his teeth, and it took him full concentration to maintain a conscious state.
That should be “gritted,” and “it took him full concentration” sounds odd to me; I’d see if you can’t find a different way of wording this.
He strained his neck towards his opponent and saw that he was also in a trancelike state, and neither dared to move.
Er...a “trancelike state” doesn’t seem like a good description of Tsuji, and if either one was in such a state, “dared” would be inaccurate because it’s more of an inability to move as opposed to an unwillingness to do so, I think.
“Now you die,” the syndicate whispered.
I’ve probably mentioned this before, but “syndicate” refers to an organization of criminals, not individual members. I’d find a different word here.
The signal began to register, and Tsuji jolted upright as the barbarian leveled the implement at his chest point blank and squeezed the trigger with knotted, powerful hands.
“The signal began to register” sounded too technical to me, as if Tsuji is a machine or something. I’d suggest rewording this so that it’s more, well, human, such as something like “The sound echoing in his ears, Tsuji jolted...” Also, I’d remove “point blank” here, since that just seems pasted into the sentence to me.
Tsuji heard the lever fall into place, the holding piece work with a resounding click, and the crisp twang of a newly made bowstring.
I’d reword “the holding piece work with a resounding click” to put the “click” part first, as that’s what he’s really hearing. Something like “the click of the holding piece giving way,” for instance, seems stronger here, in my opinion.
All of these set into motion a sharp projectile aimed very rapidly towards his chest.
I’d just cut this sentence entirely, because the reader should be able to infer this. You don’t need to explain everything, after all.
He swerved to the left, faster than lightning and evaded the bolt completely, to Mamesuke’s utter surprise.
There should be a comma after “lightning.”
Mamesuke then took careful aim and fired another bolt point-blank at his chest.
“Fired” should be “shot” or “released,” as both are applicable to bows, while “fired” didn’t come into use for a projectile weapon until the advent of guns. Properly speaking, bows cannot be fired.
But Tsuji ducked, his knees twitching with absolute instinct, and he dropped down to the floor as the second projectile soared by.
I’d remove the first part of this sentence and then rearrange this accordingly, since ducking and falling prone aren’t the same thing.
Tsuji rushed from a ducked position, running at a speed borne of adrenaline and instinctual power, and narrowed his distance to an arm’s length before Mamesuke readied his next shot.
I’d reword “from a ducked position,” since it’s not accurate in this case (as mentioned above,) and it sounds awkward to me. I think you could just make that “rushed to his feet.”
When the fighting broke loose, events seemed to escalate faster than Ruijin could keep track of, and the next minute he found himself ushered out the back while the demon worked his business inside.
I’d suggest rewording “...could keep track of,” because it sounds a bit awkward to me, and I’d also remove the “demon” reference here, as it doesn’t seem to fit into the story well at this point.
“Patience,” muttered Yuu absent-mindedly, “He has a most difficult task ahead of him.”
The comma after “absent-mindedly” should be a period.
“Do you have the man’s payment,” Ruijin asked, trying to sound casual.
The comma after “payment” should be a question mark.
“What,” said Yuu quickly, “That was not my plan at all.”
The comma after “what” should be a question mark, and the comma after “quickly” should be a period. Alternately, you could change “what” to “wait,” and put “that” in lowercase.
Hiro squinted in his direction and rushed towards him, money on hand and a wicked grin on his face.
Technically, “him” sounds like it refers to Ruijin, since you haven’t defined the figure’s gender as male. It’s assumed, but there is the possibility of confusion here.
“Excellent work,” puffed Hiro, “I commend your skills.”
The comma after “Hiro” should be a period.
He watched the bounty hunter head back into the playhouse, he prepared himself to follow.
The “he” here refers to Yuu, in grammatical terms, because that’s the closest applicable noun. I’d use a name or a title here, as opposed to a pronoun, to make this clear. Also, the comma after “playhouse” should be a period or a semicolon; another way of fixing this comma splice would be to reword this as “...into the playhouse and prepared...”
A demon, he thought, some kind of unstoppable machine.
In my opinion, this would be a good first point in the story to suggest that Tsuji has demonic connections. After all, this is the first time he does anything that seems truly unusual for a human.
“Do not draw attention to us,” menaced Yuu, “I forbid it.”
The comma after “Yuu” should be a period, and “menaced” seems awkward here, since it’s not usually employed to mean speech; I’d suggest using a different verb, such as “growled” or “ordered.”
The theatre was in disarray, with bodies and pews strewn about all over.
“Strewn about” and “all over” are redundant; I’d delete one of the two.
Bits of wood and dried blood lay splattered about the floor, with sharp weapons glistening nearby.
I don’t think the blood would have dried by now, as you imply that this all happens very quickly. He did spill a whole lot of it, too.
Tsuji saw the large corpse of the syndicate leader hunched over the first row, but didn’t bother to loot it.
“Hunched” sounds like the wrong verb here to me; I’d use “draped” or “crumpled” instead, perhaps.
Then a strange idea came to his head, one that came about so suddenly, he was unsure if it was his own.
The comma after “suddenly” is unnecessary, and I think that you could probably get away with dropping this sentence entirely, since the reader should be able to catch the “unsure if it was his own” part from what he thinks.
Such a wretched turn of events, he reflected, in retrospect, I think that it was unavoidable.
The comma after “reflected” should be a semicolon, I think.
I knew, or rather, was foretold, that this would happen, if not by my hands, then by someone else’s.
I feel like I missed something here. How the heck did he get this premonition that this would happen? This made for a rather confusing read, I have to say...
But then he pondered over that idea, wondering what better work meant to him, be it more or less dangerous, he wasn’t sure, and suddenly he felt fatigued, nearly drained.
This sentence got a bit hard to follow towards the middle; it seems like it should maybe be broken in two after “dangerous” for clarity, and “be it more or less dangerous” could probably be worded in a clearer way.
He found one in a residential block, a small quiet part of the city, except for the soft echoing of the cobbled steps and the low-sounding beat of a small windmill nearby, creaking and groaning with every turn.
The “except for...” part doesn’t properly connect the rest of the sentence in terms of grammar. A quick fix would be “...a small part of the city, quiet except for...,” though “...a residential block, a small part of the city” does sound repetitive. Also, “soft echoing of the cobbled steps” reads as if the cobblestones themselves are echoing, which is not accurate; that needs rewording.
The well was almost dried up but still quite functional, and with small effort, he overturned a cool bucket of water over his over-boiling skull.
I’d replace “small” with “some,” or you could also change it to “a small effort.” Additionally, “over-boiling skull” sounds weird to me; I’d use “head” instead of “skull,” since he’s not pouring the water directly over the bone, and “over-boiling” just seems a bit overemphasized.
RevenantsKnight
03-06-2006, 23:56
Amid the shadows of the night, he glimpsed and saw a morose visage, cleverly hidden within one of the cracks connecting two buildings, its features indecipherable from his vantage.
“...glimpsed and...” is unnecessary and should be deleted.
Her slender arms were outstretched, with a firm grip on the wires holding him, which connected and disappeared by unknown lengths into her long sleeves.
“...connected and...” is unnecessary and should be deleted.
Over the dark clothing with the rippling fabric she wore was a glimmering metallic plate, a strange composite design that seemed to meld into her movements, and provide much flexibility.
The beginning of this sentence should be simply “Over her dark clothing, she wore a glimmering...” and the comma after “movements” is unnecessary. I’m also not sure what you meant by “meld into her movements,” so that may need clarifying.
He could now see her dark brown eyes locked down on him, staring him down unblinkingly.
The first “down” in this sentence is unnecessary, I think.
“Who are you,” Tsuji stammered angrily, “What do you want with me?”
The comma after “you” should be a question mark, and the one after “angrily” should be a period.
For a few moments, his assailant let his question hang unanswered in the air, still locked onto him, and then she let out the faintest of smiles.
“Still locked onto him” is unclear in its meaning. If you mean “still staring at him,” then just say that so your meaning gets across.
“What do you mean by that,” he demanded.
The comma here should be a question mark. For practically all purposes, if someone asks a question, it is always followed by a question mark, and not by some other sort of punctuation.
“I know that you slaughtered the people in the theatre, and I know that you deviate towards your weapons even now.”
“...you deviate” sounds awkward here. I’d find another verb and phrasing to replace it, possibly “...your hands stray.”
“Then you were there,” he rationalized, “I’d pay no heed to such tragedies.”
“Rationalized” should be something else, perhaps “reasoned,” and the comma afterwards should be a period.
“They were all criminals; they worked for the mafia.”
I’d strongly suggest replacing “mafia” with something else, because that word carries heavy connotations to a certain kind of organized crime that doesn’t fit with the world upon which you’re basing this. If you’re going to rather obviously model your setting after a historical or current period, avoid words with culturally inappropriate baggage.
“I have done a favour for the people, you could say.”
“At any rate,” he continued smoothly, “I am not a wanted man; I have no price on my head, as the others did, procured by the barbarians themselves.”
The ending set of quotation marks for the first sentence should be removed, as you’re changing lines but keeping the same speaker. Also, “procured” seems like the wrong verb here; I don’t have a specific suggestion, but I’d recommend trying to find a replacement.
“Tenbu no Sai Niyoru Ken,” she said slowly, “That is a technique of the mageslayers.”
The comma after “slowly” should be a period.
“A mageslayer,” returned Tsuji, “I should have known.”
The comma after “Tsuji” should be a period.
“Perhaps that will be your downfall,” ventured Tsuji just as fast, and Natalya felt the sting behind his words.
That should be “just as quickly,” and I’d avoid just saying what Natalya felt and instead focus on her reaction to his words. That way, the reader can get a better picture of what happened.
“How do you suppose that,” glared Tsuji, his anger building.
The comma after “that” should be a question mark.
“You laugh at the syndicates, a trifle in your eyes, but as corrupt and virulent they were, they are what funds the city defenses, and what drives the economy. Right now the floodgates have been opened, and the first stages to a large-scale demonic invasion into the highlands have been set.”
This seems incomplete to me, as if there should be a few more sentences of explanation between these two. I do think that this should be relatively brief, though, given the setting, so it may be worthwhile to just hint at this here and have Natalya or someone else elaborate later.
“Are you here to punish me,” Tsuji said, tapping her wires with his free hand.
The comma after “me” should be a question mark.
“No,” replied Natalya just as calmly, “You are human and demons do not ally with humans; they can only destroy them.”
The “You” should be in lowercase.
“I would think that your punishment has already been secured in hell, though I should not judge.”
“But answer my question; tell me which demon has corrupted you so,” she pressed coldly, “or I will send you to my own version of hell.”
The closing quotation marks for the first sentence should be removed, as it’s the same speaker over both lines. I’d just as soon make this all one paragraph, though, by removing the line break between the sentences, as I don’t see a reason for it to be there.
Natalya yanked herself backwards, covering her steps with a quick swipe of the claw and winding back her dangling wires with a subsequent tug.
I’d use “her claw” here, not “the claw.” Also, “subsequent” is incorrect here and should be removed.
Natalya bared her claws menacingly and backtracked away from the bounty-hunter’s range.
“Bounty hunter” isn’t hyphenated, and I’d switch “bared” with something else, perhaps “brandished,” because the meaning of that word doesn’t quite apply here, I don’t think; she didn’t start with her claws hidden or something.
Tsuji circled her cautiously like a wolf, searching for the point of vulnerability, but let her back farther away.
I’d use “a point of vulnerability,” not “the point of vulnerability,” because people can have multiple such points, in theory, and “the” implies that there can be only one.
“I see that you have a rudimentary understanding of Tenbu No Sai Niyoru Ken.”
I’d avoid using the full name here, since it’s a bit cumbersome, and would try to replace it with something shorter, such as “...of that ability.” I will admit to a bias, as I dislike skill/technique names in general, but this seems like too much for the situation.
And what would that be,” Tsuji spoke, searching for an opening.
There should be an opening set of quotation marks at the start of this sentence. Also, the comma after “be” should be a question mark, since he’s asking a question. I’ve noted this sort of error repeatedly, so I’m going to leave the rest of them to you; let me know if you need further examples.
Tsuji detected a slight change in position and grabbed his wakizashi, opening it across Natalya’s face.
“Opening” sounds awkward here; as him drawing the weapon is pretty much implied, I’d just word this as “slashing it at Natalya’s face.”
She parried with a quick swipe of her katar, the dark, pointed weapon making a dull echo as the blades collided.
“Echo” seems inappropriate here, since the sound of the collision can echo, but the blades themselves can’t. I’d use “ring” or some other sound here.
Tsuji followed through, curving the sword upwards over his head, and then reversed his stroke into a powerful chop.
This was confusing to me; I’d think that if Natalya parries, she stops him from completing his stroke, thereby rendering the follow-through impossible. If she prevented his blade from scoring a hit but did not stop its upward motion, I’d use “deflected” in the previous sentence.
“Prediction and reaction are the two skills I live by,” said Tsuji with a smile, “You do not need to lecture me.”
The comma after “smile” should be a period.
Before he knew it, Natalya was dashing forward, leading with her long sharp claw like a wielded spike.
I’d drop the part after “claw,” as it doesn’t read very cleanly and it also doesn’t add much to the description, and there should be a comma after “long.”
Tsuji twisted past her charge, but he turned to a slash with a flick of her wrist and an instantaneous leveling wipe.
Hrm...I think that should be “...but she turned...” and I’m not sure what you meant by “leveling wipe.”
Tsuji flicked his sword into a downward parry and rotated upwards for another parry, just in time to intercept the trailing katar.
I’d try to replace one use of “parry” here, perhaps with “block,” so that it doesn’t sound quite as repetitive. One-on-one battle descriptions can get a bit list-like in their narration; anything you can do to minimize that effect, such as keeping repetition to a minimum, helps.
Natalya responded equally as fast, whipping her katar side to side, deflecting the blows.
That should be “equally quickly.”
Tsuji fainted into a final jab, but twisted with a turn, whipping his katana out at the same time and forcing her back in a flurry of footsteps.
That should be “feinted.”
Tsuji twirled the katana in his fingertips, reversing his grip to his convention position, sword outstretched on his left, short sword guarding his right.
I think that should be “conventional.”
She moved slightly to his left along his side, and he compensated his direction.
“Compensated his direction” isn’t correct, in that none of the meanings of “to compensate” really work here. I’d use “adjusted his direction to match,” personally.
Tsuji lowered his katana and opened in an upwards arc, the blade streaming past his vision.
I’m not sure for what you were trying to use “open” here, but I don’t think it works. If you meant that he swung upward, I’d just say that.
Natalya angled her claw in front of her and parried it with a slash of her own.
Technically, because “it” refers to the closest viable noun, or her claw, this reads as if Natalya parries her claw. I’d just use “Natalya parried it...” here.
As the blades collided, Tsuji hovered his wakizashi defensively about his body, but the second pair of blades did not clash.
“Held” would be more accurate than “hovered” here, unless the weapon is levitating or something.
Tsuji made a step to the right and swiftly turned into a double slash, the wakizashi leading, directed at her neck, the katana swaying down to her waist.
“Swaying” seems like the wrong verb here, since that implies a bit of a back-and-forth in terms of motion, which makes for a rather odd image. I’d use “dropping,” perhaps.
His strike proved true, and Tsuji snapped his wrists further, goading his weapons on to reach their trajectory.
I thought “His strike proved true” was misleading, because it implied that he actually hit her, so I’d suggest rewording that part. Also, the weapons can’t really “reach a trajectory,” really, as the weapons are always following a trajectory so long as they are in motion. They can, though reach a target.
Frantically he twisted his sword to intercept, but her movements bore a rhythm he could not match, and he gasped as she twirled around, and sliced the katar across his chest.
The comma after “around” is unnecessary, and you need a comma after “Frantically.”
“Your swords,” Natalya whispered, “are well crafted, but they are ordinary man-made weapons.” “The katana and the wakizashi; the children of Bul-Kathos,” she mused.
The quotation marks after “weapons” and before “The katana” should be deleted, because the speaker is the same in both sentences.
“If you are to learn the techniques of the Viz-jaaq’tar, perhaps you should be aware of one of our most powerful techniques…”
“It is the technique of mind control.”
The quotation marks after the ellipsis should be deleted, since the speaker is the same in both lines.
Tsuji could not respond, he was gasping raggedly for breath.
The comma here should be a period or a semicolon.
The theatre and the teahouse besides it lay abandoned, somber landmarks tinted in red, and yet so peacefully they lay, one would mistake it for any other business at closing time.
There should be a comma after “yet,” and I’d suggest replacing “peacefully they lay,” because you use “lay” earlier in the sentence. Something like “...and yet, they were so peaceful that one would...” might work better, but that’s just my thought.
The city had seemed to resettle itself, desperately trying to refit back into routine, but it could not hope to evade the coming tides, and little to their knowledge, this was only the calm before the storm.
“Refit back” is redundant, and “fit back” alone should do.
She crept across the snowy ground carefully, never stopping and never lingering, but taking caution not to be noticed.
I think that should be “taking care.”
A morbid curiosity overtook her, and she crept to the wall fitfully, in long and provoked strides.
“Provoked” doesn’t really have a meaning that applies here, so I’m not sure what you meant; my best guess is “deliberate,” which would work as a replacement, but I can’t be sure that that’s what you want.
She could feel the residual traces of a dark and powerful magic seeped into the stones, and it made her shiver with excitement.
“Seeped” seems a little off to me, though I can’t say exactly why; if you want something more active, you could replace it with something like “burned.” If not...well, it may work as it is, but somehow, it seems a little funny to me.
Then something caught Lilith’s attention, an obtuse, profound feeling overcoming her, and she looked up from her engrossment with a puzzled stare.
I agree with 0xDEADCAFE on the “engrossment” part; it’s a bit odd to characterize her as that interested when this reads as if only a few seconds have gone by between her discovering the magic traces and this moment.
Although the atmosphere was dimmed beyond distinguishability, Lilith could recognize the stranger’s features right away.
I’m not really sure what you were trying to say here, as I don’t understand what you meant by the first part. “Distinguishability” isn’t a word, and in this situation, it would mean that the atmosphere itself was indistinguishable anyway. I’d suggest revising this.
His breath produced long and winding, wheezing clouds of vapour in the cold air, and his limbs creaked and groaned in protest with every step.
I second 0xDEADCAFE’s comments on this part; the description could use a revision, I’d say.
Most prominent of all, she noticed, was his eyes; two narrow slits of burning red, sparkling embers in a dying fire, the terrible eyes of a demon.
That should be “were his eyes,” since there’re two of them, and the semicolon here should be a comma.
Overall, there’re some good ideas here, but this needs some editing for grammar and clarity. With some more polishing and revision, the best parts of this would be a lot easier to find. Good luck with the rest of this, and thanks for posting!
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