The Rebellion's Last

[The Last Melon]

This is one of my first fan fictions, and since I've been advised to post it in intervals I will do so. It's set in the StarCraft universe, but those who don't play it shouldn't have a whole lot of trouble following it. I'll post the next chapter tomorrow, and in the meantime read, comment, edit, and enjoy!

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Prologue:
High above a dominion planet, a battle rages…

A rebellion force of wraiths conducts an elite strike versus a dominion fleet of Battle cruisers, the black paint of the wraiths contrasting with the bright orange of the Battle cruiser’s converted Delta Squadron.

Grant King, leader of the rebellion’s Wraith Elites, sweeps and dives, dodging blasts from the Battle cruisers and raining his own shots into them. The radio crackles.

“Yeeha!” The voice is a Texan drawl, announcing to the world that it is pumped up and ready for action

Grant chuckles as he picks up his mike. “Eh, shut up over there, Shorty, I’m trying to concentrate.”

“Well excuse me, cap’n, just having a little fun”

A pair of battle cruisers shoot simultaneously at him, causing him to swoop out of the way, firing a vengeful missile. He picks up the radio again

“Well have some fun a little bit quieter then, you’re wasting radio space”

“Fine, then. Permission to yell “yeeha” again?”

Another voice joins the conversation “Will you all just shut up?! We could be up to our ears in enemies any second now!” This voice has a Russian accent, belonging to the oldest and most paranoid of the group.

“Aw shut up, Gramps, this is a secure- what the hell?!” Grant exclaims as a missile flies out of nowhere and slams into his wing. “Where did that come from?!” two more missiles hammer into his wings. Looking around, he sees an enemy wraith decloak and immediately get hit by a vengeful missile from Shorty. Turning his attention to his own predicament, he grabs the mike, screaming “Mayday! Mayday! I’m going down!” into the radio. “Mayday! Mayday! Oh ****…” The atmosphere of the planet is approaching. He closes his eyes...

Some time later, he crawls out of his seat and lay on the ground panting, having ejected from his Wraith as soon as he could. After a short time, he becomes aware of a pair of boots in front of him, and follows them up until he can make out a marine, or more accurately, a marine’s Gauss rifle, pointing between his eyes...

Chapter 1

Approximately a year later…
The damaged Battle cruiser drifted laboriously into the dock, electrical panels askew and spitting sparks. As it landed, a group of SCVs swarmed towards it, patching, repairing and welding the wounded behemoth back together again. Carl piloted his SCV to join the swarm and headed towards one of the ship’s electric panels, checking to see that he was standing on the rubber pads on his cockpit. As one of the dock’s best SCV pilots, Carl always headed immediately to the most delicate or difficult parts (often the same thing), which in this case was the ship’s electrical panels. He listened to the captain’s report through the radio.

“Attention, Attention, This is the captain of the Titan III speaking, giving the damage report. We have major laser burns on the port side…”

Carl let the report wash over him and his hand take over the controls, mending the wires and welding the twisted medal back together. He enjoyed the work, for some reason. It was indoors (to a point) and required no heavy lifting (since the machine did it all) and was somehow restful, despite the 8-hour work day with only half an hour to sit down.
Carl was a thin man, thirty years old and tanned, with a delicate beard running straight down his strong chin. He walked with uncanny grace and silence for an SCV operator, and had a tendency to cringe when anyone shouted at him, friendly or not.

At 4:00 he climbed out of his SCV and headed for the sign-out board just as the announcement came in over the loudspeakers. “Would Mr. Danssontet report to the administration office, please” He sagged momentarily; it was probably about some file to fill out and would keep him from the blissful shower in his apartment for another five minutes. He straightened up quickly, and headed for the office, passing the afternoon shift coming in to take over. As he stepped into the office, the secretary nodded at him. “Mr. Lin would like to talk to you in his office for a little while, if you would just pop in” Inwardly, Carl groaned. A little while! That would mean about half an hour delay to the shower! Sighing, he wiped his face with his hand, smearing the oil and sweat a little bit more evenly, and stepped into the office.

[The Last Melon]

Sorry I haven't been able to update lately - in return, I'll post two chapters.

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Chapter 2.

“Ah, Mr. Danssontet. Do sit down, we have much to discuss today.”

Mr. Lin steepled his hands and looked at Carl through horn-rimmed glasses as he took a seat. He was an Asian man, lightly built with a thin mustache under his nose. Nothing about him suggested him to be the head of ArmsCorp, the largest weapons dealer in the Koprulu sector.

ArmsCorp had survived the Dominion takeover by having sold weapons to the Sons of Korhal during the now extinct Confederate reign, and currently continued making an income by holding up its long-standing tradition of selling weapons to everyone with money enough to buy them. There had been rumors of late that a top secret major contract had been accepted, but there had been no proof of that.

Mr. Lin gave a small cough and spoke. “Mr. Danssantet, you are here in my office today so that I can offer you a unique opportunity. I am offering you the chance to move to our factory on a different planet to participate in a highly confidential project. If you accept this, you will get a pay bonus of two hundred thousand credits, and your hours will stay the same. Do you accept this offer?”

Carl sat rooted to his chair, stunned. Not only was two hundred thousand credits quite a lot of money, Planetary Relocations were so costly to all parties that they only seemed to happen in stories. He was also suspicious of the amount of secrecy involved.

“What’s the danger in this assignment?” he asked. Mr. Lin smiled.

“I enjoy your thinking, but don’t worry about that, Mr. Danssontet. You will be quite safe if you take the assignment, I assure you.”

Carl was still suspicious. “Are you sure? It seems like a suspiciously large amount.”

Mr. Lin paused, pursing his lips. “You’re right, of course, it is a lot of money. Perhaps you would like the amount to go down?” he said, eyes twinkling.

“Oh no, oh no, two hundred thousand’s fine, I’m just wondering about all the secrecy.”

“You may wonder all you want, Mr. Danssontet, but wondering will not get you anywhere. Accepting the job; that will get you somewhere.”

Carl was still suspicious, but two hundred thousand credits was a lot of extra money. “All right, I accept. What’s the assignment?”

Mr. Lin’s smile widened. “Ah, good, I thought you’d accept. Before we go on, however, there’s something that needs tending to first…”

He pushed a piece of paper towards Carl, who regarded it suspiciously. “I need you to sign this,” he said, handing him a pen.

“What’s this?”

“An Act of Secrecy. You must sign this before I will tell you anything, and not least before you can get that pay raise.”

Carl regarded it helplessly, then pulled it toward him and signed his name at the bottom, leaning back and crossing his arms afterward. “All right, I’ve signed it. Now can you tell me about this assignment?”

Mr. Lin almost looked hurt. “Of course. Do you think I wouldn’t? If you would care to follow me…” He pushed a button under his desk and a hidden panel opened, revealing a small keypad, eye scanner, and speaker. He tapped a code in on the panel, too fast for Carl to make anything out, took off his glasses and looked into the scanner, and spoke into the speaker. After he was finished, the panel retreated back into the wall and two doors opened into what was unmistakably an elevator, which he beckoned Carl to enter. As he stepped through, a small beep sounded and he realized that there was a metal detector imbedded in the doors. After Mr. Lin made sure Carl was carrying no weapons, he stepped into the elevator after him. Inside the elevator was the same interface that Mr. Lin used to get into the elevator; after going through the routine the doors closed and the elevator began its descent.

After about five minutes, the doors opened with a whoosh, and Carl felt his breath stop in his throat. Maybe it was the enormous room beyond, roofed by a titanic computer screen and crammed with computers, techies, data screens and so on, with passages branching off every which way, or maybe it was the three bulky marines, visors down, aiming guns at him.

[The Last Melon]

Chapter 3

Carl felt himself breaking into a cold sweat. He’d always had an inexplicable fear, almost a phobia towards marines, aiming guns at him or not. When he first discovered it, all the psychologists he visited couldn’t figure it out and constantly claimed that he wasn’t telling them everything, which was ridiculous. He was telling them everything he could remember. It made no sense to say that he wasn’t. However, whether he told them everything or not, he always broke into a cold sweat and hyperventilated whenever he ran into marines in their full combat armor, as they were now.

Currently, Mr. Lin was chastising the marines for scaring the hell out of Carl, but it seemed that this was routine, as they moved out of the way without retort, visors still down. As they left, Carl felt his panic recede and his breath return. Mr. Lin looked at him momentarily, but as Carl’s breath returned he turned his attention back to the job at hand.

They walked into the cavern, and then turned left into a much smaller room, walled with black marble and lighted with an overhead lamp, giving the room an almost homey glow.
Inside the room was a handsome imitation cherry wood desk, equipped with the newest PC on the market as well as a holographic display that was currently off. Mr. Lin turned it on and motioned for Carl to have a seat, then seated himself behind the desk.

“I bring you to this room because it is soundproof. Here you will get the briefing you so want.”

Carl looked on in interest as the Holographic projector brought up a display of a planet with a small moon orbiting around it.

“This planet is Prima IV, upon which is the settlement Silas, where your living quarters will be. The moon is called Celo Are, a non-atmospheric, rather secretive moon on which we have built our base of operations for this project.” He called up a layout of the base and explained it lengthily to Carl, who was starting to get impatient.

“Yes, yes, that’s great, but you still haven’t told me anything about the job itself” He cut in, interrupting a speech about the main power storage.

“All in good time Mr. Danssontet. The project itself is top secret; we will give you plans for certain mechanisms we need you to build, but we will not be actually telling you what these are for or where they go, as that is confidential as well. I would advise you don’t worry about it, just worry about what you’re going to do with two hundred thousand credits after this job”

Carl wasn’t satisfied, but it was obvious that he wasn’t going to get anywhere. “What about lodging?”

Mr. Lin smiled slightly and turned off the holographic projector. “Since it is obvious by your rather rude interruptions that you don’t care about the layout of the building, I suppose I shall just answer your questions.” He said, in the maddeningly patient tone of one talking to a child. “Living quarters will be cared for. Upon arrival at the planet, we will give you an address at which you will stay. We will also give you a pass with which you can buy food, drink, and so on; A word about the pass, though. Whatever you spend will be considered a debt you owe to the company; the more you spend, the more money you will need to pay back afterwards. Are there any other questions?”

Some days later…

Carl buckled himself into one of the many black padded seats on the ship and listened to the safety announcement being carried out by the attractive stewardess at the front. He had boarded the Blizzard, which on the inside looked more like an aircraft liner than a interplanetary starship, about five minutes earlier for his first planet-to-planet flight in his life to Prima IV, where his new job and new life for a time would begin. After less than a minute, the stewardess finished her demonstration of how to use the seat buckle, the safety video ended, the screens retreating into the ceiling, the doors closed as the syringes pumped the sedatives into the passengers for the flight, and Carl blasted off into his new life.

[0xDEADCAFE]

(Edit: It looks like you posted two more chapters while I was working on this. Just to be clear, this is on the prologue and chapter 1 only.

First, I'll say that whoever told you to post in smaller sections was giving out good advice. When I saw the seven chapters of Sanctuary is Now Officially Doomed go up all at once it pretty much scared me off from the get-go. This is a much more managable length.

On to the prologue. Overall, I liked it. You did a good job of giving distinct personalities to each of the Wraith pilots, and I got a strong sense that they knew each other pretty well.

What I didn't like too much was the way you mixed the narrative and dialog. In places it gave me the impression of a screen play more than a story. First, the italics seem unnecessary to me, unless you are specifically trying to convey something like a voice-over or a preamble removed from the action, but when you start to mix the dialog with this special narrative voice it seems odd. I'm not saying it couldn't work, but it bothered me a bit here. More on that below.

The other thing I want to mention is that the opening lines sounded a little too familiar. Something about it reminded me a little too much of a Star Wars -- maybe the use of "rebellion force" -- I'm not sure, but it was a bit distracting. Also the use of present tense, rather than the more typical past tense is noticable. Again, not saying it doesn't work, but it was something I noticed as I was reading.

On Chapter 1. I thought the writing here was better. It didn't sound like something I had seen or read before, and the scene and the character of Carl were pretty well done. In particular, Carl seems pretty interesting. At this point it is not at all clear what the relationship is between the prologue and the first chapter, but I assume that is your intention.

Okay, on the specifics:


High above a dominion planet, a battle rages…

A rebellion force of wraiths conducts an elite strike versus a dominion fleet of Battle cruisers, As I mentioned above this struck me as a bit cliche. I could almost picture the big yellow letters scrolling up the screen over a field of stars.


“[/i]Yeeha!” The voice is a Texan drawl, announcing to the world that it is pumped up and ready for actionThis was a nice way to introduce the character, but I would say that everything other than the fact that it is a Texan drawl is redundant. Your choice of dialog, "Yeeha," worked fine to convey that the pilot was pumped up and ready for action. There is really no need to explain it to us.



“Fine, then. Permission to yell “yeeha” again?”Here you let the dialog speak for itself without explanation. Good idea. I can see that this fellow is maybe slightly annoyed, but not too much, and that he deals with such things with a sense of humor.



Another voice joins the conversation “Will you all just shut up?! We could be up to our ears in enemies any second now!” This voice has a Russian accent, belonging to the oldest and most paranoid of the group.
Here's an example of where I thought the mix of narrative and dialog was a bit clumsy. And I also have to wonder why the narrative is in italics. Is this still the same voice that gave use "High above a dominion planet..."? Because if it is, it's now giving us some pretty specific detail, as opposed to just setting the scene. You might want to switch out of the special narration once your pilots begin speaking, and write more in the style of chapter 1 from there on.



“Aw shut up, Gramps, this is a secure- what the hell?!” Grant exclaims as a missile flies out of nowhere and slams into his wing. “Where did that come from?!” two more missiles hammer into his wings. Looking around, he sees an enemy wraith decloak and immediately get hit by a vengeful missile from Shorty. Turning his attention to his own predicament, he grabs the mike, screaming “Mayday! Mayday! I’m going down!” into the radio. “Mayday! Mayday! Oh ****…” The atmosphere of the planet is approaching. He closes his eyes... This read better to me, but that last two lines seem ballnd and hurried, giving it an almost comic-book feel.



Some time later, he crawls out of his seat and lay on the ground panting, having ejected from his Wraith as soon as he could. After a short time, he becomes aware of a pair of boots in front of him, and follows them up until he can make out a marine, or more accurately, a marine’s Gauss rifle, pointing between his eyes... This paragraph seems to fit the feel of distant narrator a little better, so the italics don't bother me as much. One grammatical point: I think it should be "lies" not "lay" in the first sentence.


“[i]Attention, Attention, This is the captain of the Titan III speaking, giving the damage report. We have major laser burns on the port side…”
Why the italics here? I assume it is to convey a special quality about it, like it is coming over a loudspeaker or something, but following the special use of italics in the prologue it seems out of place. I'd recommend leaving off the italics and just describing whatever special quality the voice has.



Carl let the report wash over him and his hand take over the controls, If you mean for the second part of this to read like "... let his hand take over the controls." I would say it doesn't quite work. The two clauses don't seem parallel enough. Perhaps you meant "as his hand took over..." I can't tell which but it reads awkwardly to me as it stands.



mending the wires and welding the twisted medal back together. He enjoyed the work, for some reason. It was indoors (to a point) and required no heavy lifting (since the machine did it all) and was somehow restful, despite the 8-hour work day with only half an hour to sit down. Here I question the use of the parenthetical phrases. They break up the flow and I really can't see any need for them. With a little more effort you could probably eliminate them and still convey the same meaning, for example, writing "It was mostly indoors" instead of "It was indoors (to a point)." The extra effort will pay off in readability.



Carl was a thin man, thirty years old and tanned, with a delicate beard running straight down his strong chin. He walked with uncanny grace and silence for an SCV operator, and had a tendency to cringe when anyone shouted at him, friendly or not. Nice bit of characterization.



At 4:00 he climbed out of his SCV and headed for the sign-out board just as the announcement came in over the loudspeakers. “Would Mr. Danssontet report to the administration office, please” To me, this is a much better way to describe the loudspeaker-announced dialog than the italics up above.


He sagged momentarily; it was probably about some file to fill out and would keep him from the blissful shower in his apartment for another five minutes. He straightened up quickly, and headed for the office, passing the afternoon shift coming in to take over. As he stepped into the office, the secretary nodded at him. “Mr. Lin would like to talk to you in his office for a little while, if you would just pop in” Inwardly, Carl groaned. A little while! That would mean about half an hour delay to the shower! Sighing, he wiped his face with his hand, smearing the oil and sweat a little bit more evenly, and stepped into the office.Well, you saved the best for last. I thought this was the most interesting and well written paragraph, and I would encourage you to use this style more often.

Thanks for posting!

[RevenantsKnight]

On the prologue and Chapter 1: overall, I thought that this was an interesting read, your previous self-disparaging comments notwithstanding. ;) The prologue was a bit hard to get into and the story’s description was a bit minimal, almost rushed in a few places, but Chapter 1 read much more smoothly, the plot itself looks just fine so far, and there’re some good opening details on Carl...nice to see that you’re working on the character from the very start. One quick note before I get started: my Starcraft might be a little rusty, so if I miss something game-related, that might just be me. Anyway, here’re some specific comments, minus the instances where 0xDEADCAFE already said everything that I’ve got:


High above a dominion planet, a battle rages…

As 0xDEADCAFE noted, the narration and choice of italics is overall a bit hard to read; my guess as to why is because the combination of the present tense use, the distinction between the narration and the dialogue, and the omniscient feel of the narration made it very clear that this story is being viewed through a lens of some sort. There’s no doubt here that the reader isn’t experiencing these events without the help of an intermediary, which for me had the effect of being disruptive. If it helps, try reading a bit out of a play (a screenplay was dead on here,) and see if it holds you in as closely as a novel. For me, it usually doesn’t, because the differing formats suggest different ways of reading the material.

Just my two cents on that, anyway...if I sound like I’m going insane, that might just be the case. And if I am, it wasn’t your fault...probably been there for ages. :D


A rebellion force of wraiths conducts an elite strike versus a dominion fleet of Battle cruisers, the black paint of the wraiths contrasting with the bright orange of the Battle cruiser’s converted Delta Squadron.

I thought that this was too general of a description to really say much to the reader; “conducts an elite strike,” in addition to making it sound as if the battle had already been resolved, is a possible description of many different actions, with the scope limited only by the reader’s imagination. While it’s a good idea in some cases to let the reader fill in the blanks, exposition is not one of those instances. I’d suggest focusing this down some and describing in a little bit more detail what’s actually happening here so that you and the reader are on the same page; perhaps imagine that the reader watches the scene for a minute before moving on to Grant.

Some smaller points: I think “wraith” and “dominion” should be capitalized, since they’re proper nouns in this case, and I’m not sure what you meant by “converted Delta Squadron”...did I miss some reference?


The voice is a Texan drawl, announcing to the world that it is pumped up and ready for action

I agree with 0xDEADCAFE on this part. Also, you’re missing a period at the end of this sentence.


He picks up the radio again

You’re missing a period at the end of this sentence.


“Well have some fun a little bit quieter then, you’re wasting radio space”

Grammar technicalities: there should be a comma after “Well,” and the comma after “then” should be a semicolon or a period.


“Fine, then. Permission to yell “yeeha” again?”

Heh...I liked this too. Nice.


Another voice joins the conversation “Will you all just shut up?!”

Minor nitpick: I’d put a colon after “conversation,” before the dialogue. Not sure if it’s technically correct, but the version you have now seems to be missing something at that spot.


This voice has a Russian accent, belonging to the oldest and most paranoid of the group.

If you can, I’d try to avoid directly stating character details and some descriptions as simple facts, as you do here. It gets your ideas across, but at the cost of the story’s flow, as this narration sounds a lot like a second voice butting in to drop a few bits of information before the story moves on. Personally, I’d suggest something like “Another voice joined the conversation, filling his ears with a time-worn Russian accent:” for this, in the hopes that it would keep the reader in the action a little more.


“Where did that come from?!” two more missiles hammer into his wings.

This should be either two sentences, with the second beginning with “Two more...,” or this could be one sentence with the addition of “he shouts as...” immediately after the speech.


Looking around, he sees an enemy wraith decloak and immediately get hit by a vengeful missile from Shorty.

“Vengeful missile” is kind of a nice phrase, but don’t overuse it. I’d try to find a different wording here. Also, that technically should be “Wraith,” since it’s the name of a model of fighter craft.


Turning his attention to his own predicament, he grabs the mike, screaming “Mayday! Mayday! I’m going down!” into the radio.

I’d suggest spending a little bit of time on just how damaged his craft is; this felt rushed and I didn’t get the impression from the missile hits that he was incapable of flying, since there isn’t necessarily a reason to believe that he’s going down. It doesn’t have to be much more than a sentence or two of Grant figuring out that his stick doesn’t do anything after that, or that he’s missing a wing, but it’d help with clarity and pacing, I think.


The atmosphere of the planet is approaching.

This may be worth a little more description; what’s the planet look like, for instance? I could see a possible “it’d be pretty, except for the fact that it’d probably kill him” sort of thing here, if you want to play that up. Or you could take it the other way and go with an “oh hell...I’m crashing down there?” Either way, it might be a nice little detail to add in if you want, and that’s far from the only thing you could do here.


After a short time, he becomes aware of a pair of boots in front of him, and follows them up until he can make out a marine, or more accurately, a marine’s Gauss rifle, pointing between his eyes...

Heh...that’s gotta be a nasty realization. I liked the phrasing here.


Carl piloted his SCV to join the swarm and headed towards one of the ship’s electric panels, checking to see that he was standing on the rubber pads on his cockpit.

Minor nitpick: since you use “swarmed” in the previous sentence, I’d use something else instead of “swarm” here to make this sound a little less repetitive. Good detail with the pads, though.


He listened to the captain’s report through the radio.

Hrm...because of the way this is worded, I got the image of Carl listening to the captain’s voice like some sort of sports announcer on the radio. Since it sounds more like he’s barely paying attention to it, and certainly doesn’t have it on for fun, I’d word this with the radio broadcast itself as the active subject, in that it’s coming out of his suit and he’s just there. Something like “The captain’s voice drifted in from his headset, reeling off the ship’s report,” perhaps.


Carl let the report wash over him and his hand take over the controls, mending the wires and welding the twisted medal back together.

If you want, you could make this sound a little less straightforward, since you did describe it previously as “the most delicate or difficult part” of the ship. I’d say that this is an opportunity to get in a short image of how he works, and through that convey a sense of his expertise.


Carl was a thin man, thirty years old and tanned, with a delicate beard running straight down his strong chin.

These are definitely good character details, though I might try to get them across in a less reporter-like fashion because it pulls the reader out of the story a little. Some of this probably would end up in this sort of exposition, to be sure, but if you can mix a few of these into the flow of the story itself, then it might read a bit more smoothly. For instance, something like “Sweat ran down his tanned face as he worked, gathering in his delicate beard” would get some of these details to the reader without stopping the story to do so.


“Would Mr. Danssontet report to the administration office, please”

You’re missing a period, inside the quotes, after “please.”


“Mr. Lin would like to talk to you in his office for a little while, if you would just pop in”

You’re missing a period, inside the quotes. Also, I’d suggest replacing one of the instances of “office” in this paragraph, because it felt a little repetitive by the end. This one in particular could just be removed by phrasing this as “...would like to talk to you privately for...”


Inwardly, Carl groaned. A little while! That would mean about half an hour delay to the shower!

Heh...that was amusing.


Sighing, he wiped his face with his hand, smearing the oil and sweat a little bit more evenly, and stepped into the office.

Nice way to cap off the chapter, I’d say. :thumbsup:

Overall, I thought that this wasn’t too bad at all, though it does have room for improvement. Then again, what doesn’t? Methinks you might have been a bit hard on yourself in previous comments... Anyway, thanks for posting!

[The Last Melon]

Wow, TWO editors!

One thing: Did I mention that this was my first story? My writing style is much more developed now. I wish I could show you what it is like now, but the only story I have at the moment pertains to the Blizzard FFF only.


What I didn't like too much was the way you mixed the narrative and dialog. In places it gave me the impression of a screen play more than a story. First, the italics seem unnecessary to me, unless you are specifically trying to convey something like a voice-over or a preamble removed from the action, but when you start to mix the dialog with this special narrative voice it seems odd. I'm not saying it couldn't work, but it bothered me a bit here. More on that below.

Hmm...Does it really need to be changed? I've always thought that it works fine, since I'm trying to show a dreamy sort of state, but is it major enough to require changing?


The other thing I want to mention is that the opening lines sounded a little too familiar. Something about it reminded me a little too much of a Star Wars -- maybe the use of "rebellion force" -- I'm not sure, but it was a bit distracting. Also the use of present tense, rather than the more typical past tense is noticable. Again, not saying it doesn't work, but it was something I noticed as I was reading.

I'll see if I can change the Star Wars-like opening, but I put present tense in to give it the feeling of a different time and place.


As I mentioned above this struck me as a bit cliche. I could almost picture the big yellow letters scrolling up the screen over a field of stars.

Don't forget the John Williams famous Star Wars theme :D. But I'll try to change that.


Here's an example of where I thought the mix of narrative and dialog was a bit clumsy. And I also have to wonder why the narrative is in italics. Is this still the same voice that gave use "High above a dominion planet..."? Because if it is, it's now giving us some pretty specific detail, as opposed to just setting the scene. You might want to switch out of the special narration once your pilots begin speaking, and write more in the style of chapter 1 from there on.

I'll see what I can do...I think RevenantsKnight had some good suggestions.


This read better to me, but that last two lines seem ballnd and hurried, giving it an almost comic-book feel.

Hmm...


This paragraph seems to fit the feel of distant narrator a little better, so the italics don't bother me as much. One grammatical point: I think it should be "lies" not "lay" in the first sentence.

Right.


Why the italics here? I assume it is to convey a special quality about it, like it is coming over a loudspeaker or something, but following the special use of italics in the prologue it seems out of place. I'd recommend leaving off the italics and just describing whatever special quality the voice has.

Why did I put the italics here? I'll change them.


If you mean for the second part of this to read like "... let his hand take over the controls." I would say it doesn't quite work. The two clauses don't seem parallel enough. Perhaps you meant "as his hand took over..." I can't tell which but it reads awkwardly to me as it stands.

I'll see what I can do.


Here I question the use of the parenthetical phrases. They break up the flow and I really can't see any need for them. With a little more effort you could probably eliminate them and still convey the same meaning, for example, writing "It was mostly indoors" instead of "It was indoors (to a point)." The extra effort will pay off in readability.

Parenwhats? I'm only in grade 9 Enlgish, so I have no earthly idea what you're talking about.


Well, you saved the best for last. I thought this was the most interesting and well written paragraph, and I would encourage you to use this style more often.

It continues throughout the story, as far as I can remember.

And now to tackle RevanentsKnight's edits...Thanks to you both for them!

[The Last Melon]

As 0xDEADCAFE noted, the narration and choice of italics is overall a bit hard to read; my guess as to why is because the combination of the present tense use, the distinction between the narration and the dialogue, and the omniscient feel of the narration made it very clear that this story is being viewed through a lens of some sort. There’s no doubt here that the reader isn’t experiencing these events without the help of an intermediary, which for me had the effect of being disruptive. If it helps, try reading a bit out of a play (a screenplay was dead on here,) and see if it holds you in as closely as a novel. For me, it usually doesn’t, because the differing formats suggest different ways of reading the material.

That makes a lot more sense...I'll see what I can do. As I asked before, though, is it major enough to justify changing? I've always thought that it's been fine.


I thought that this was too general of a description to really say much to the reader; “conducts an elite strike,” in addition to making it sound as if the battle had already been resolved, is a possible description of many different actions, with the scope limited only by the reader’s imagination. While it’s a good idea in some cases to let the reader fill in the blanks, exposition is not one of those instances. I’d suggest focusing this down some and describing in a little bit more detail what’s actually happening here so that you and the reader are on the same page; perhaps imagine that the reader watches the scene for a minute before moving on to Grant.

Ok, I'll work on that.


Some smaller points: I think “wraith” and “dominion” should be capitalized, since they’re proper nouns in this case, and I’m not sure what you meant by “converted Delta Squadron”...did I miss some reference?

Oh right, good point. As for "converted Delta Squadron"...nobody seems to understand that.

Quick history: In SC, after the Dominion takeover, Arcturus Mengsk brought all of the Confederate army forces under his control. Therefore, the Delta Squadron was "converted" from the Confederacy to the Dominion. Is there any way that I could clear that up?


If you can, I’d try to avoid directly stating character details and some descriptions as simple facts, as you do here. It gets your ideas across, but at the cost of the story’s flow, as this narration sounds a lot like a second voice butting in to drop a few bits of information before the story moves on. Personally, I’d suggest something like “Another voice joined the conversation, filling his ears with a time-worn Russian accent:” for this, in the hopes that it would keep the reader in the action a little more.

That works perfectly - I'll work it in.


This should be either two sentences, with the second beginning with “Two more...,” or this could be one sentence with the addition of “he shouts as...” immediately after the speech.

Hmm...I'll rework that sentance.


“Vengeful missile” is kind of a nice phrase, but don’t overuse it. I’d try to find a different wording here.

Well, if it's only been used once, then it hasn't been overused, has it? :D.


I’d suggest spending a little bit of time on just how damaged his craft is; this felt rushed and I didn’t get the impression from the missile hits that he was incapable of flying, since there isn’t necessarily a reason to believe that he’s going down. It doesn’t have to be much more than a sentence or two of Grant figuring out that his stick doesn’t do anything after that, or that he’s missing a wing, but it’d help with clarity and pacing, I think.

Makes sense. I'll work it in.


This may be worth a little more description; what’s the planet look like, for instance? I could see a possible “it’d be pretty, except for the fact that it’d probably kill him” sort of thing here, if you want to play that up. Or you could take it the other way and go with an “oh hell...I’m crashing down there?” Either way, it might be a nice little detail to add in if you want, and that’s far from the only thing you could do here.

Also makes sense - I'm lining up ideas in my head as I read it.


Minor nitpick: since you use “swarmed” in the previous sentence, I’d use something else instead of “swarm” here to make this sound a little less repetitive. Good detail with the pads, though.

Something other than "swarmed"...I'll have to check the thesaurus on that one.


Hrm...because of the way this is worded, I got the image of Carl listening to the captain’s voice like some sort of sports announcer on the radio. Since it sounds more like he’s barely paying attention to it, and certainly doesn’t have it on for fun, I’d word this with the radio broadcast itself as the active subject, in that it’s coming out of his suit and he’s just there. Something like “The captain’s voice drifted in from his headset, reeling off the ship’s report,” perhaps.

All right. Cuts down the word count a bit, but I'll change it.


If you want, you could make this sound a little less straightforward, since you did describe it previously as “the most delicate or difficult part” of the ship. I’d say that this is an opportunity to get in a short image of how he works, and through that convey a sense of his expertise.

Hmm...I'll see.


These are definitely good character details, though I might try to get them across in a less reporter-like fashion because it pulls the reader out of the story a little. Some of this probably would end up in this sort of exposition, to be sure, but if you can mix a few of these into the flow of the story itself, then it might read a bit more smoothly. For instance, something like “Sweat ran down his tanned face as he worked, gathering in his delicate beard” would get some of these details to the reader without stopping the story to do so.

That works perfectly. With the great quotes you're giving me I'm starting to feel like I'm comitting plagarism :)


Also, I’d suggest replacing one of the instances of “office” in this paragraph, because it felt a little repetitive by the end. This one in particular could just be removed by phrasing this as “...would like to talk to you privately for...”

Well, that doesn't really work, since the secratary doesn't really know why Lin wants Carl. I'll check the thesaurus on office and see if I can't fit in any interesting synonyms.


Overall, I thought that this wasn’t too bad at all, though it does have room for improvement. Then again, what doesn’t? Methinks you might have been a bit hard on yourself in previous comments... Anyway, thanks for posting!

It does make a good first story, yes. Oddly enough, I don't remember actually being hard on myself in previous comments...I've made comments about being all but ignored, yes, but no, I don't believe I ever criticised myself or The Rebellion's Last.

Thanks for editing! I'll be posting another chapter now, just to drive you insane with backlog :evil:

[The Last Melon]

Damn formatting...I'll fix it when I have time...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Chapter 4



“Here is your room sir.”



“Thank you very much” grunted Carl, grappling with his heavy suitcase. Although the gravity here on Prima IV was about half that of the planet he had just come from, he’d packed enough stuff to still keep the suitcase heavy, albeit half as heavy as it was at his old home.



“Could you…?” he asked the porter, but the porter had disappeared. “…help me with this suitcase?” he muttered under his breath.



He manhandled the suitcase into his room and onto the bed, grumbling, and sat on the bed as well, causing it to creak ominously. He stood up quickly and began to explore his apartment, which took him about five minutes.



The apartment was a typical cheap one in a middle class district; it contained a bathroom, a bedroom and a closet, inside which were several coat hangers. Carl looked through the place carefully; deciding where to pack his things, then began unpacking.



An hour later he had unpacked everything. As he admired his handiwork from in front of the bed, he grimaced as a headache made itself known. Wincing again, he decided to go down to the nearby drugstore and get something to get rid of the pain.



A few minutes later…



Carl walked up to the counter and addressed the pharmacist behind the counter. “Hey, do you have anything for a headache?”



Behind him, a man’s head whipped around towards him. Black eyes bored into him, an expression of amazement, surprise, and disbelief all rolled into one clearly upon them. Unaware of this happening behind him, Carl paid for the medication with his card and walked out into the street, making a beeline for his apartment. He had just crossed the street when a voice called out to him.



“Cap’n, is that you?”



Carl turned and regarded the speaker, a mid-sized bearded man with dark eyes which Carl vaguely remembered passing on his way to the counter.



“What? Are you talking to me?” he asked.



The speaker looked surprised for a moment. “Don’t you recognize me, cap’n?” he said again hopefully, but his face showed that he expected the answer that came next.



“What? I’ve never seen you before in my life…who are you?” The speaker withdrew for a moment, seemingly lost in his own thoughts. Then he cleared his throat and spoke



“Excuse me. I thought you were someone else. I’m sorry” and then walked off, looking tired, sad, and old. Carl watched him for a short time until he disappeared around a corner, and then winced as his headache kicked in again. He headed back to his apartment to swallow the pills.



One week later…



After being directed where to go, Carl climbed into his SCV and drove off to his assignment. He had arrived on Celo Are about a minute ago, and was still getting used to the extremely low gravity.



He passed several missile turrets on his way to the hanger, missile-packed heads constantly scanning the sky like metal sentinels. From what he had been told by Mr. Lin, they were all controlled by a single main defence building, which should be…Carl looked around for a few seconds until he found it; a dark, low lying building nestled among the large hangers and rubble, near several radar towers which also searched the air, or lack thereof.



The weeks went by quickly, filled with menial labour that consisted of either moving things from place to place or welding things together, and Carl soon found himself settling into a routine. A routine, however, that was broken about a month after arriving…



Carl stepped out of the shuttle returning from Celo Are, stretched, then walked out of the terminal and headed for his apartment, about a block or so away. He was just passing an alley when a man stepped out into his path. Carl moved to dodge around him, but stopped when the man spoke. “Are you Mr. Carl A. Danssontet?”



Carl examined the man for a second before recognizing him as the man from the drugstore. “Yes, that’s me,” he answered, wondering what this was all about.



“I need you to come with me. It’s rather…urgent.”



“Can it wait?” asked Carl. “I have work to do at my apartment.” This wasn’t true, of course, but the manner in which the man was talking to him made him suspicious.



“Unfortunately it can’t. I really need you to come with me.”



“Well I guess it will have to wait then. My work is urgent as well” Carl said brusquely.

The man sighed, but Carl thought he saw a hint of a smile in the man’s face.



“You are forcing me to take extreme measures, Mr. Danssontet.” He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a pistol. “I need you to come with me. Now.”

[RevenantsKnight]

Quick warning: the editing window on this forum is exactly one hour after the original post; after that, you're pretty much stuck with what's there. If you have changes to make, make them now.

Righty then...that bit of business aside:


That makes a lot more sense...I'll see what I can do. As I asked before, though, is it major enough to justify changing? I've always thought that it's been fine.

I would say so, yes. In general, if I think that something's a bit awkward or whatever but could slide anyway, I'll qualify my suggestions with something mentioning that.


As for "converted Delta Squadron"...nobody seems to understand that.

Quick history: In SC, after the Dominion takeover, Arcturus Mengsk brought all of the Confederate army forces under his control. Therefore, the Delta Squadron was "converted" from the Confederacy to the Dominion. Is there any way that I could clear that up?

Er...well, if you say that these are Dominion troops, then I'd assume that they would have been Confederates at one point, since even Mengsk was one once upon a time, and he didn't raise an army from scratch. Seems like a nice but omittable detail, especially given the possibility for confusion.


Well, if it's only been used once, then it hasn't been overused, has it? :D.

Very true...but it's here twice by my count:

"A pair of battle cruisers shoot simultaneously at him, causing him to swoop out of the way, firing a vengeful missile."

"Looking around, he sees an enemy wraith decloak and immediately get hit by a vengeful missile from Shorty."

Hardly a major issue, though.


That works perfectly. With the great quotes you're giving me I'm starting to feel like I'm comitting plagarism :)

Uh, about that...there's a reason why all those have "something like" before the suggested quote. I don't have a problem with you taking a few of these as they are if you think they're good, but the truth is, they usually aren't close to perfect. I strongly recommend that you pick them apart yourself before using them, because otherwise they may not match your style. They're possible examples and starting points, not final edits or commands.


Well, that doesn't really work, since the secratary doesn't really know why Lin wants Carl. I'll check the thesaurus on office and see if I can't fit in any interesting synonyms.

I actually meant that I thought it could read "Mr. Lin would like to talk to you for a little while," with no explanation of why. "In his office" seemed redundant, since that's the most logical place for him to be.



Here I question the use of the parenthetical phrases. They break up the flow and I really can't see any need for them. With a little more effort you could probably eliminate them and still convey the same meaning, for example, writing "It was mostly indoors" instead of "It was indoors (to a point)." The extra effort will pay off in readability.

Parenwhats? I'm only in grade 9 Enlgish, so I have no earthly idea what you're talking about.

Parenthetical phrases are the words inside parentheses (this phrase is parenthetical, for instance.)


Thanks for editing!

My pleasure.

[The Last Melon]

Quick warning: the editing window on this forum is exactly one hour after the original post; after that, you're pretty much stuck with what's there. If you have changes to make, make them now.

Really? Damn. I'll work the changes into the original and repost it, then.


I would say so, yes. In general, if I think that something's a bit awkward or whatever but could slide anyway, I'll qualify my suggestions with something mentioning that.

All right...I personally prefer the italics, but I'll experiment and see what I can do...


Er...well, if you say that these are Dominion troops, then I'd assume that they would have been Confederates at one point, since even Mengsk was one once upon a time, and he didn't raise an army from scratch. Seems like a nice but omittable detail, especially given the possibility for confusion.

So what exactly should I do? :)


Very true...but it's here twice by my count:

"A pair of battle cruisers shoot simultaneously at him, causing him to swoop out of the way, firing a vengeful missile."

"Looking around, he sees an enemy wraith decloak and immediately get hit by a vengeful missile from Shorty."

Hardly a major issue, though.

Oh right, yeesh. I'll see what I can do.


Uh, about that...there's a reason why all those have "something like" before the suggested quote. I don't have a problem with you taking a few of these as they are if you think they're good, but the truth is, they usually aren't close to perfect. I strongly recommend that you pick them apart yourself before using them, because otherwise they may not match your style. They're possible examples and starting points, not final edits or commands.

All right, I'll fire up the bunsen burners and see what I can do about them.


I actually meant that I thought it could read "Mr. Lin would like to talk to you for a little while," with no explanation of why. "In his office" seemed redundant, since that's the most logical place for him to be.

Whatever...I'll work it out.


Parenthetical phrases are the words inside parentheses (this phrase is parenthetical, for instance.)

Oh...I've always thought of them as brackets... *feels stupid*

[RevenantsKnight]

On Chapter 2: personally, I think you moved this along too quickly. The dialogue was very to the point, perhaps unnaturally so, as was the narration; overall, it felt a little like watching a scene on fast forward. Some specific comments:


Mr. Lin steepled his hands and looked at Carl through horn-rimmed glasses as he took a seat.

Huh...not sure what you mean by “steepled”; I’ve never heard that phrase before, personally.


Nothing about him suggested him to be the head of ArmsCorp, the largest weapons dealer in the Koprulu sector.

This confused me a bit, because I assumed that this dock was a military facility, not a corporation’s, since there’s a battlecruiser arriving for repairs and the vast majority of such ships would be under Dominion control.


ArmsCorp had survived the Dominion takeover by having sold weapons to the Sons of Korhal during the now extinct Confederate reign, and currently continued making an income by holding up its long-standing tradition of selling weapons to everyone with money enough to buy them.

“...now extinct Confederate reign” sounded repetitive to me, since the tense implies that this happened in the past, and it’s probably a fair assumption that your reader knows that the Dominion and the Confederacy didn’t coexist. I’d just drop “now extinct” from this.


There had been rumors of late that a top secret major contract had been accepted, but there had been no proof of that.

There are a number of places in this chapter where you move away from the action and state facts and background in the narration with a sort of reporter’s detachment. This isn’t a bad mechanism to use, necessarily, but often such instances could also be done without moving outside of the story’s flow. In this case, if you want to move into Carl’s thoughts some (and this is definitely an author’s call; sometimes it’s a very good idea, but other times it can turn out very badly or run counter to the story, and sometimes it’s just not an author’s style,) then I would suggest presenting this fact to the reader from his point of view.

For example, you could hold this fact until after Mr. Lin starts his spiel, and then have him pause for a second or something, at which point you could introduce it through Carl’s thoughts as something like “Hrm...a “unique opportunity”...wonder if it has anything to do with that rumored new contract, Carl thought” or something to that effect. There’s a lot of room to move around with this method, if you do choose it; instead of making Carl sound curious as done in the phrasing above, you could also make him appear full of himself with something like “Must be that new contract we were rumored to get...about time I got some recognition, Carl thought.”


“Mr. Danssantet, you are here in my office today so that I can offer you a unique opportunity.”

Hrm...you’ve been spelling his name “Danssontet.”


“I am offering you the chance to move to our factory on a different planet to participate in a highly confidential project. If you accept this, you will get a pay bonus of two hundred thousand credits, and your hours will stay the same.”

Maybe it’s just me, but this felt like a bit of an abrupt move on Mr. Lin’s part. I mean, Carl’s probably pretty confused by this point, or at the very least, he’s got to be uncomfortable about being called in here for a reason he doesn’t know. I’d think that’d it’d be natural for him to start off by calming him down with the “You’ve been a good employee here for years now, and...” sort of thing. Not having this sort of easing-in made this feel like a rushed conversation to me.


Not only was two hundred thousand credits quite a lot of money, Planetary Relocations were so costly to all parties that they only seemed to happen in stories.

Why did you capitalize “Planetary Relocations”? I can’t see a reason for that, since it doesn’t sound like a proper noun and this doesn’t feel like it needs the emphasis.


He was also suspicious of the amount of secrecy involved.

I’d suggest seeing if you can’t get this impression of Carl’s feelings across in a description of his actions instead of just a factual summary, or elaborating on why he feels suspicious. For example, you could add a sentence or two like “Something about how Mr. Lin said ‘highly confidential’ made his stomach tighten nervously” if you want the reader to get a better idea of what’s happening here.


“I enjoy your thinking, but don’t worry about that, Mr. Danssontet.”

“Enjoy” sounded a bit odd here. Perhaps “respect” or “understand” would be more suitable, unless you actually did mean that Mr. Lin likes it when people think that way.


Carl was still suspicious. “Are you sure? It seems like a suspiciously large amount.”

I’d suggest trying to replace some of the instances of “suspicious” and its assorted forms in this part of the chapter; it comes up a lot and makes it feel a little repetitive. Some possibilities include “wary” for “suspicious” and “unusually” in the case of “suspiciously” noted above.


“You’re right, of course, it is a lot of money.”

The comma after “of course” should be a semicolon or a period, because it connects two parts that could be complete sentences on their own. A good test for this is to read the first part out loud, pause for several seconds, and then read the second part, as if you’re treating them as separate pieces of a conversation. If it doesn’t sound like you’re talking total nonsense, it may be worth a closer examination.


“Oh no, oh no, two hundred thousand’s fine, I’m just wondering about all the secrecy.”

I’d make the comma after “fine” a semicolon for the above reasons.


“Accepting the job; that will get you somewhere.”

I’d make the semicolon here a full colon, because if you break this up into two sentences, which you should be able to do in places where you use a semicolon, “accepting the job” makes no sense.


“An Act of Secrecy.”

Again, I’m not sure why you capitalized this...even if this is a sort of standard object/procedure in this business, things like “job application” usually are in lowercase. Also, “act” seems like the wrong word here; perhaps “contract” or “agreement” would work better.


After he was finished, the panel retreated back into the wall and two doors opened into what was unmistakably an elevator, which he beckoned Carl to enter.

“Beckoned” sounded odd to me in this case; while this usage is correct, it’s usually used to describe a signal or command to approach, which isn’t quite the case here since Mr. Lin doesn’t start out in the elevator. Maybe “motioned for Carl to enter” would work.


As he stepped through, a small beep sounded and he realized that there was a metal detector imbedded in the doors.

Hrm...seems like a bit of a stretch here. How would he know that a beep equals a metal detector?


After Mr. Lin made sure Carl was carrying no weapons, he stepped into the elevator after him.

I was a bit confused by this, as it sounds like Mr. Lin takes some sort of action to search Carl or something. If all he does is make sure the metal detector doesn’t find anything, I’d word this as something like “Satisfied that Carl was...”


Maybe it was the enormous room beyond, roofed by a titanic computer screen and crammed with computers, techies, data screens and so on, with passages branching off every which way, or maybe it was the three bulky marines, visors down, aiming guns at him.

Heh, nice ending trick.

Overall, I think that this is a good start, but it probably could benefit from a little more expansion and description. It’s not bad as it is, just a bit unfinished in my opinion. Thanks for posting!

[The Last Melon]

Hooray! More edits!


Huh...not sure what you mean by “steepled”; I’ve never heard that phrase before, personally.

You know when you put your fingertips together and your elbows on the surface in front of you? That's what I was thinking of.


This confused me a bit, because I assumed that this dock was a military facility, not a corporation’s, since there’s a battlecruiser arriving for repairs and the vast majority of such ships would be under Dominion control.

Hmm...Should I get rid of the battlecruiser then, or make it sound like the Dominion was sending the Battlecruiser to ArmsCorp for repairs?


“...now extinct Confederate reign” sounded repetitive to me, since the tense implies that this happened in the past, and it’s probably a fair assumption that your reader knows that the Dominion and the Confederacy didn’t coexist. I’d just drop “now extinct” from this.

Makes sense.


There are a number of places in this chapter where you move away from the action and state facts and background in the narration with a sort of reporter’s detachment. This isn’t a bad mechanism to use, necessarily, but often such instances could also be done without moving outside of the story’s flow. In this case, if you want to move into Carl’s thoughts some (and this is definitely an author’s call; sometimes it’s a very good idea, but other times it can turn out very badly or run counter to the story, and sometimes it’s just not an author’s style,) then I would suggest presenting this fact to the reader from his point of view.

For example, you could hold this fact until after Mr. Lin starts his spiel, and then have him pause for a second or something, at which point you could introduce it through Carl’s thoughts as something like “Hrm...a “unique opportunity”...wonder if it has anything to do with that rumored new contract, Carl thought” or something to that effect. There’s a lot of room to move around with this method, if you do choose it; instead of making Carl sound curious as done in the phrasing above, you could also make him appear full of himself with something like “Must be that new contract we were rumored to get...about time I got some recognition, Carl thought.”

Hmm...I'll have to think about that...


Hrm...you’ve been spelling his name “Danssontet.”

Oops


Maybe it’s just me, but this felt like a bit of an abrupt move on Mr. Lin’s part. I mean, Carl’s probably pretty confused by this point, or at the very least, he’s got to be uncomfortable about being called in here for a reason he doesn’t know. I’d think that’d it’d be natural for him to start off by calming him down with the “You’ve been a good employee here for years now, and...” sort of thing. Not having this sort of easing-in made this feel like a rushed conversation to me.

Hmm...It's an excellent point, but it may just be Lin's character.

Nope, it's a problem. I'll work that in.


Why did you capitalize “Planetary Relocations”? I can’t see a reason for that, since it doesn’t sound like a proper noun and this doesn’t feel like it needs the emphasis.

Damn...I'll change that as well.


I’d suggest seeing if you can’t get this impression of Carl’s feelings across in a description of his actions instead of just a factual summary, or elaborating on why he feels suspicious. For example, you could add a sentence or two like “Something about how Mr. Lin said ‘highly confidential’ made his stomach tighten nervously” if you want the reader to get a better idea of what’s happening here.

I'll check on that.


“Enjoy” sounded a bit odd here. Perhaps “respect” or “understand” would be more suitable, unless you actually did mean that Mr. Lin likes it when people think that way.

He finds it amusing.

A few words on Mr. Lin here - Lin is almost a trickster figure in this story, almost a combination of Lord Vetinari in the Discworld books and Jarlaxle from R.A. Salvatore's. He knows almost everything, including some stuff Carl doesn't know, and he holds almost all the strings in his hands. I actually don't know why I'm explaining this, but whatever.


I’d suggest trying to replace some of the instances of “suspicious” and its assorted forms in this part of the chapter; it comes up a lot and makes it feel a little repetitive. Some possibilities include “wary” for “suspicious” and “unusually” in the case of “suspiciously” noted above.

I'll check the thesaurus.


Again, I’m not sure why you capitalized this...even if this is a sort of standard object/procedure in this business, things like “job application” usually are in lowercase. Also, “act” seems like the wrong word here; perhaps “contract” or “agreement” would work better.

Yeah, I was having trouble with this. I sort of borrowed the idea from Camp X by Eric Walters (I think that's his name), and I wasn't sure how to work a military idea into a corporate setting.


Overall, I think that this is a good start, but it probably could benefit from a little more expansion and description. It’s not bad as it is, just a bit unfinished in my opinion.

I'll definately try to work that in.


Thanks for posting!

Are you going to say this every time you post? And will I have to say "Thanks for editing!" in return every time?

[RevenantsKnight]

You know when you put your fingertips together and your elbows on the surface in front of you? That's what I was thinking of.

Ah. Well, not sure how you'd get this across to the reader in the story, but when in doubt, just describe the action with a few more words. You can always pare it back down in the next revision, after all.


Hmm...Should I get rid of the battlecruiser then, or make it sound like the Dominion was sending the Battlecruiser to ArmsCorp for repairs?

I believe that would be an author's choice. Either way could be made to work; the difference really would be in the execution of the idea.


He finds it amusing.

All right...then it works, I guess.


Are you going to say this every time you post? And will I have to say "Thanks for editing!" in return every time?

Well, my core has two processes: "Polite" and "Kill." Would you prefer death threats? :D

And my pleasure.

[The Last Melon]

Ah. Well, not sure how you'd get this across to the reader in the story, but when in doubt, just describe the action with a few more words. You can always pare it back down in the next revision, after all.

Well, if anyone else doesn't understand it I'll change it.


I believe that would be an author's choice. Either way could be made to work; the difference really would be in the execution of the idea.

Hmm...I'll try to change it, then.


Well, my core has two processes: "Polite" and "Kill." Would you prefer death threats? :D

And my pleasure.

Maybe for an edit or two, just for a change of pace :D

And I'm wondering if I should post the next chapter, or post a short story that I wrote a bit more recently, just to give you a bit more of an idea of my current writing.

[The Last Melon]

All right, I guess I'm posting the next chapter of this. I've been away for a bit with exams.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Chapter 3

Carl felt himself breaking into a cold sweat. He’d always had an inexplicable fear, almost a phobia towards marines, aiming guns at him or not. When he first discovered it, all the psychologists he visited couldn’t figure it out and constantly claimed that he wasn’t telling them everything, which was ridiculous. He was telling them everything he could remember. It made no sense to say that he wasn’t. However, whether he told them everything or not, he always broke into a cold sweat and hyperventilated whenever he ran into marines in their full combat armor, as they were now.

Currently, Mr. Lin was chastising the marines for scaring the hell out of Carl, but it seemed that this was routine, as they moved out of the way without retort, visors still down. As they left, Carl felt his panic recede and his breath return. Mr. Lin looked at him momentarily, but as Carl’s breath returned he turned his attention back to the job at hand.

They walked into the cavern, and then turned left into a much smaller room, walled with black marble and lighted with an overhead lamp, giving the room an almost homey glow.

Inside the room was a handsome imitation cherry wood desk, equipped with the newest PC on the market as well as a holographic display that was currently off. Mr. Lin turned it on and motioned for Carl to have a seat, then seated himself behind the desk.

“I bring you to this room because it is soundproof. Here you will get the briefing you so want.”

Carl looked on in interest as the Holographic projector brought up a display of a planet with a small moon orbiting around it.

“This planet is Prima IV, upon which is the settlement Silas, where your living quarters will be. The moon is called Celo Are, a non-atmospheric, rather secretive moon on which we have built our base of operations for this project.” He called up a layout of the base and explained it lengthily to Carl, who was starting to get impatient.

“Yes, yes, that’s great, but you still haven’t told me anything about the job itself” He cut in, interrupting a speech about the main power storage.

“All in good time Mr. Danssontet. The project itself is top secret; we will give you plans for certain mechanisms we need you to build, but we will not be actually telling you what these are for or where they go, as that is confidential as well. I would advise you don’t worry about it, just worry about what you’re going to do with two hundred thousand credits after this job”

Carl wasn’t satisfied, but it was obvious that he wasn’t going to get anywhere. “What about lodging?”

Mr. Lin smiled slightly and turned off the holographic projector. “Since it is obvious by your rather rude interruptions that you don’t care about the layout of the building, I suppose I shall just answer your questions.” He said, in the maddeningly patient tone of one talking to a child. “Living quarters will be cared for. Upon arrival at the planet, we will give you an address at which you will stay. We will also give you a pass with which you can buy food, drink, and so on; A word about the pass, though. Whatever you spend will be considered a debt you owe to the company; the more you spend, the more money you will need to pay back afterwards. Are there any other questions?”

Some days later…

Carl buckled himself into one of the many black padded seats on the ship and listened to the safety announcement being carried out by the attractive stewardess at the front. He had boarded the Blizzard, which on the inside looked more like an aircraft liner than a interplanetary starship, about five minutes earlier for his first planet-to-planet flight in his life to Prima IV, where his new job and new life for a time would begin. After less than a minute, the stewardess finished her demonstration of how to use the seat buckle, the safety video ended, the screens retreating into the ceiling, the doors closed as the syringes pumped the sedatives into the passengers for the flight, and Carl blasted off into his new life.

[RevenantsKnight]

On Chapter 3: as with the previous chapter, I felt that this sort of breezed through the events described. There are indeed some points where you spend a fair amount of time on description, such as when they first walk into the briefing room, but the dialogue in particular seems like it came and went without much of an impact on the story. It’s repeatedly mentioned that Carl is curious about this assignment, so when the briefing ends as quickly and abruptly as it does, without much of a sense that he tried to get all the information he could about this, it feels like you rushed this part. Even if he doesn’t get much else of actual value out of this briefing, I’d expect him to probe around a bit more with his questions, and even if Mr. Lin is just giving him vague assurances, the back-and-forth between them could convey some good details about both sides to the reader. I do note that this does help with a feeling that Carl’s new arrangement is rather fishy, though it seems like if that was your intent, you might have wanted to spend a bit more time on Carl’s reactions to being kept more or less in the dark. Some specific comments:


He’d always had an inexplicable fear, almost a phobia towards marines, aiming guns at him or not.

Heh. Minor nitpick: I think that should be “...marines, whether they were aiming guns...”


He was telling them everything he could remember. It made no sense to say that he wasn’t.

These sentences seem rather unnecessary, since the reader doesn’t have a reason to doubt the narrator’s interpretation of the idea of Carl holding back as “ridiculous” anyway. For me, this just seemed to belabor the point (unless, of course, there’s a later reason for calling so much attention to the narrator’s trustworthiness.)


However, whether he told them everything or not, he always broke into a cold sweat and hyperventilated whenever he ran into marines in their full combat armor, as they were now.

Interesting character touch...while I don’t doubt that modern-day combat uniforms might make some people pretty nervous, this sort of thing rarely shows up in stories set in universes such as Starcraft, and it’s nice to see that people aren’t forgetting about the flagrant noncombatants as possible major characters.


Currently, Mr. Lin was chastising the marines for scaring the hell out of Carl, but it seemed that this was routine, as they moved out of the way without retort, visors still down.

“...scaring the hell out of Carl...” is rather informal in tone and therefore may not suit narration. Unless you want the narrator to sound as if s/he is actually talking to the reader instead of using the more conventional detached approach, I’d suggest changing this so it sounds less like conversational English. Mind you, a more casual-sounding narrator is certainly an option; it’s just not as standard and therefore can throw some readers if it’s just written that way without some link to the story itself.


As they left, Carl felt his panic recede and his breath return. Mr. Lin looked at him momentarily, but as Carl’s breath returned he turned his attention back to the job at hand.

I’d see if you can’t revise this so that you don’t repeat the phrase “...breath return[ed]...” in consecutive sentences. Not a major problem, by any means, but it feels a little clunky.


They walked into the cavern, and then turned left into a much smaller room, walled with black marble and lighted with an overhead lamp, giving the room an almost homey glow.

Hrm...maybe I’m imagining this oddly, but black marble just isn’t the sort of material that can have a “homey glow” to it, no matter what kind of light you’re shining on it. Also, “cavern” suggests a naturally created space to me, such as some part of an underground tunnel that widens into a chamber, complete with rock walls and maybe the sound of dripping water. As this seems like a well-maintained and carefully built facility, I’d suggest changing that word.


Inside the room was a handsome imitation cherry wood desk, equipped with the newest PC on the market as well as a holographic display that was currently off.

There should be a comma after “market.”


Carl looked on in interest as the Holographic projector brought up a display of a planet with a small moon orbiting around it.

I’m not sure if you were being intentionally vague with the planet’s description, but it may be worth spending a little more time on its overall appearance and Carl’s reaction to that. After all, it’d be only natural for him to have some sort of thought, comment, or whatever upon seeing this place where he’s moving. A few other nitpicks: “in interest” should be “with interest,” and I don’t think “Holographic” should be capitalized, since it wasn’t a few sentences before.


“The moon is called Celo Are, a non-atmospheric, rather secretive moon on which we have built our base of operations for this project.”

Why would Mr. Lin emphasize the secrecy of the moon to Carl, who probably wouldn’t be affected by that fact anyway? This felt like you were trying to hammer home the point that this project is more or less hidden from the outside world, which I think most people would have caught by now.


“Yes, yes, that’s great, but you still haven’t told me anything about the job itself” He cut in, interrupting a speech about the main power storage.

There should be a comma after “itself,” inside the quotes, and “he” shouldn’t be capitalized.


“All in good time Mr. Danssontet.”

There should be a comma after “time.”


“I would advise you don’t worry about it, just worry about what you’re going to do with two hundred thousand credits after this job”

That should be “I would advise you to not worry about it; just worry...”


“Since it is obvious by your rather rude interruptions that you don’t care about the layout of the building, I suppose I shall just answer your questions.” He said, in the maddeningly patient tone of one talking to a child.

The period after “questions” should be a comma, and “He” shouldn’t be capitalized. In general, if you have some dialogue and then a phrase such as “he said” immediately afterwards, that should all be one sentence, with the pronoun in lowercase.


“Are there any other questions?”

That was a really abrupt way to end the conversation, I think. While the answer is implied and there isn’t any problem here in terms of the story’s plot, the quick shift from one scene to another was a bit jarring. Were this a movie, I could imagine this being the last word in the conversation, certainly, but the film probably wouldn’t cut immediately from Mr. Lin saying this to the next scene; there would likely be a few seconds’ pause where Carl walks out of the office, or signs something, or whatever. Now, assuming that I’m not just going insane here, one way to duplicate that sort of effect would be to have one strong sentence of narration after the dialogue to wrap up the scene.


After less than a minute, the stewardess finished her demonstration of how to use the seat buckle, the safety video ended, the screens retreating into the ceiling, the doors closed as the syringes pumped the sedatives into the passengers for the flight, and Carl blasted off into his new life.

This felt like a bit of a list to me; I’d suggest perhaps breaking this up into several sentences so that it doesn’t just run a whole lot of actions by the reader so quickly.

On the whole, this felt a bit like Chapter 2 in that there’s a solid framework here; it appears to be just a matter of building off of that to make the piece complete. Thanks for posting!

[The Last Melon]

Yipe! So long between chapters! And I haven't even edited chapter 2 yet!

Oh well. What are we on?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Chapter 4

“Here is your room sir.”

“Thank you very much” grunted Carl, grappling with his heavy suitcase. Although the gravity here on Prima IV was about half that of the planet he had just come from, he’d packed enough stuff to still keep the suitcase heavy, albeit half as heavy as it was at his old home.

“Could you…?” he asked the porter, but the porter had disappeared. “…help me with this suitcase?” he muttered under his breath.

He manhandled the suitcase into his room and onto the bed, grumbling, and sat on the bed as well, causing it to creak ominously. He stood up quickly and began to explore his apartment, which took him about five minutes.

The apartment was a typical cheap one in a middle class district; it contained a bathroom, a bedroom and a closet, inside which were several coat hangers. Carl looked through the place carefully; deciding where to pack his things, then began unpacking.

An hour later he had unpacked everything. As he admired his handiwork from in front of the bed, he grimaced as a headache made itself known. Wincing again, he decided to go down to the nearby drugstore and get something to get rid of the pain.

A few minutes later…

Carl walked up to the counter and addressed the pharmacist behind the counter. “Hey, do you have anything for a headache?”

Behind him, a man’s head whipped around towards him. Black eyes bored into him, an expression of amazement, surprise, and disbelief all rolled into one clearly upon them. Unaware of this happening behind him, Carl paid for the medication with his card and walked out into the street, making a beeline for his apartment. He had just crossed the street when a voice called out to him.

“Cap’n, is that you?”

Carl turned and regarded the speaker, a mid-sized bearded man with dark eyes which Carl vaguely remembered passing on his way to the counter.

“What? Are you talking to me?” he asked.

The speaker looked surprised for a moment. “Don’t you recognize me, cap’n?” he said again hopefully, but his face showed that he expected the answer that came next.

“What? I’ve never seen you before in my life…who are you?” The speaker withdrew for a moment, seemingly lost in his own thoughts. Then he cleared his throat and spoke

“Excuse me. I thought you were someone else. I’m sorry” and then walked off, looking tired, sad, and old. Carl watched him for a short time until he disappeared around a corner, and then winced as his headache kicked in again. He headed back to his apartment to swallow the pills.

One week later…

After being directed where to go, Carl climbed into his SCV and drove off to his assignment. He had arrived on Celo Are about a minute ago, and was still getting used to the extremely low gravity.

He passed several missile turrets on his way to the hanger, missile-packed heads constantly scanning the sky like metal sentinels. From what he had been told by Mr. Lin, they were all controlled by a single main defence building, which should be…Carl looked around for a few seconds until he found it; a dark, low lying building nestled among the large hangers and rubble, near several radar towers which also searched the air, or lack thereof.

The weeks went by quickly, filled with menial labour that consisted of either moving things from place to place or welding things together, and Carl soon found himself settling into a routine. A routine, however, that was broken about a month after arriving…

Carl stepped out of the shuttle returning from Celo Are, stretched, then walked out of the terminal and headed for his apartment, about a block or so away. He was just passing an alley when a man stepped out into his path. Carl moved to dodge around him, but stopped when the man spoke. “Are you Mr. Carl A. Danssontet?”

Carl examined the man for a second before recognizing him as the man from the drugstore. “Yes, that’s me,” he answered, wondering what this was all about.

“I need you to come with me. It’s rather…urgent.”

“Can it wait?” asked Carl. “I have work to do at my apartment.” This wasn’t true, of course, but the manner in which the man was talking to him made him suspicious.

“Unfortunately it can’t. I really need you to come with me.”

“Well I guess it will have to wait then. My work is urgent as well” Carl said brusquely.

The man sighed, but Carl thought he saw a hint of a smile in the man’s face.

“You are forcing me to take extreme measures, Mr. Danssontet.” He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a pistol. “I need you to come with me. Now.”

[RevenantsKnight]

On Chapter 4: this, like the previous parts, seems like a good framework for a chapter, but some things go by rather quickly, perhaps too quickly for the reader to get a good idea of this new life Carl picks up. Even if that’s not too important to the plot, it probably mattered to Carl at the time, and I’ve no doubt that some readers would be curious to know more about this mysterious world, so it couldn’t hurt to expand this some, I think. Maybe this pace is characteristic of your style, and if it is, you could well argue to keep it in as an author’s choice, but my impression, for whatever it’s worth, is that this would be stronger if it got fleshed out a bit. Some specific comments:


“Here is your room sir.”

There should be a comma after “room.”


“Thank you very much” grunted Carl, grappling with his heavy suitcase.

There should be a comma after “much,” inside the quotes. Also, you could probably drop “heavy” from this sentence, since it’s implied by “grappling” and confirmed in the next sentence anyway.


Although the gravity here on Prima IV was about half that of the planet he had just come from, he’d packed enough stuff to still keep the suitcase heavy, albeit half as heavy as it was at his old home.

The last clause here seems repetitive, since what it says can be inferred from the first part; I’d just delete it. Also, “to still keep” sounded a little odd to me. I don’t know if it’s grammatically correct or not, but another option, if you found it a bit awkward, would be “...stuff so that the suitcase was (still) heavy.”


“…help me with this suitcase?” he muttered under his breath.

Nice touch. Felt like a very natural reaction, if you know what I mean.


Carl looked through the place carefully; deciding where to pack his things, then began unpacking.

This felt a bit like a list to me, especially with the next sentence; I’d suggest maybe adding in some more of Carl’s actions as he checks his apartment or some of his thoughts on this so that it isn’t so much like “He decided to do X, and then did X.” Also, the semicolon here should be a comma, and “where to pack his things” seems like it should be “where to place/keep his things,” since there’s already some unpacking happening here.


As he admired his handiwork from in front of the bed, he grimaced as a headache made itself known.

This is a place where you could add in a little character detail, if you feel so inclined. There’re a number of ways Carl could react to this headache, after all; he could be annoyed at the timing of this, or he could start trying to think of a reason for why it happened, or one of many other variations. Just like that instance in the first chapter with his reaction to the announcement summoning him to Mr. Lin’s office, a small look into how he perceives things can help build up who he is for the reader.


Wincing again, he decided to go down to the nearby drugstore and get something to get rid of the pain.

If he just got to the planet, how does he know where the “nearby drugstore” is?


Carl walked up to the counter and addressed the pharmacist behind the counter.

Maybe it’s me, but for anything that doesn’t require a prescription, I’d imagine that it’d just be on a shelf in an aisle somewhere, as opposed to behind the pharmacist’s counter. If that’s the way this place is, though, I’d try to drop one instance of “counter” here, probably the second one; you could replace it with something like “...addressed the pharmacist, who looked up from a notebook as he approached.”


Unaware of this happening behind him, Carl paid for the medication with his card and walked out into the street, making a beeline for his apartment.

The first part here seems a bit wordy, since the reader already knows that the man is behind Carl. I’d try to trim that down a bit; one option would be to replace the entire phrase with “oblivious,” though that may feel a bit vague.


Carl turned and regarded the speaker, a mid-sized bearded man with dark eyes which Carl vaguely remembered passing on his way to the counter.

Hrm...unless you mean that Carl remembered passing “dark eyes” on the way to the counter, and not the man himself, “which” should be “whom.”


“What? I’ve never seen you before in my life…who are you?” The speaker withdrew for a moment, seemingly lost in his own thoughts.

The way this is presented, it looks like the other man, not Carl, is saying this. I’d put these sentences on separate lines.


Then he cleared his throat and spoke

“Excuse me. I thought you were someone else. I’m sorry” and then walked off, looking tired, sad, and old.

There should be a period after “spoke” and a comma after “sorry,” inside the quotes. Also, I’d put these sentences all in one paragraph, because the focus for all of them is the black-eyed man. Finally, the transition from the speech into the narration at the end feels awkward to me; I might break the sentence in two after the speech, though it would need a little revision to work that way.


He had arrived on Celo Are about a minute ago, and was still getting used to the extremely low gravity.

He spent only a minute between getting on the planet and getting into his SCV? Dang, that’s efficiency.


He passed several missile turrets on his way to the hanger, missile-packed heads constantly scanning the sky like metal sentinels.

You may want to describe some more scenery, such as other construction projects, buildings, and other installation-related types of sights, just so the reader can get a more complete view of this place. Of course, if you mean for most things to be somewhat hidden except for the conspicuous security and defense machinery, you could spend a bit on Carl’s impressions and such here; after all, I’d imagine that he’d get creeped out if it feels like a prison camp or something.


Carl looked around for a few seconds until he found it; a dark, low lying building nestled among the large hangers and rubble, near several radar towers which also searched the air, or lack thereof.

Minor nitpick: I think “low lying” should be hyphenated.


The weeks went by quickly, filled with menial labour that consisted of either moving things from place to place or welding things together, and Carl soon found himself settling into a routine.

Again, this is another point you may want to flesh out a little, because it glazes over the work Carl was tapped to do, which is something that’s surely of interest to him, and probably to some readers too. I mean, you don’t have to say a lot about it, but I’d imagine that he’d have an idea of what he’s making, and after all the secrecy you build around this, some folks may want to hear a bit about it as opposed to just seeing it go by, even if it isn’t the most important thing in the story.


“Well I guess it will have to wait then. My work is urgent as well” Carl said brusquely.

There should be commas after “Well” and “well,” with the second one inside the quotes.

In general, this seems a lot like the rest of the story so far: there’s a good frame here, and with some more detail here and there (though exactly how much is certainly open for debate,) this would be pretty solid. Of course, that might change; looks like the story’s ramping up some...anyway, should be interesting to see where this heads. Thanks for posting!

[The Last Melon]

I'm actually wondering if I should keep posting this...I'm too lazy to try to work the edits in and I know it, so perhaps I should just give this up and post some short stories of mine that are more current. Comments?

[RevenantsKnight]

I'm actually wondering if I should keep posting this...I'm too lazy to try to work the edits in and I know it, so perhaps I should just give this up and post some short stories of mine that are more current. Comments?

Totally up to you. If you start on something else and then come back to this later (or not,) I won't mind, 'cause I do that too. And if you stick with it, I personally don't mind leaving suggestions, just in case; if you want just general impressions, I can cut back to that too. However it goes, I'll be reading along.