A Day In The Un-Life?

[Mommazz]

A Day In The Un-Life:


Muck Amok and his co-zombie, Drop Shoe, were bored. Bored stiff you might say.
There isn't much to do out here, in this place called 'Blood Moor' these days. Ever since Big D and his Brothers bit the big one a few weeks back.

Oh, but I digress.
That was a glorious battle for all concerned, but the minor minions of hell didn't even get a second glance after Nightmare mode! Let's face it, Muck and Drop Shoe only actually MAIMED one Hero during it all,
and that puts a huge damper on ones confidence as a 'Hell-Spawn' don't ya know.

So, since the clash between the Paladin Goody-2-shoes, and his Bretheren, Muck Amok thought it was time for a little good old fashioned payback.

Day 1 of 'Operation Piss Off':

Dear statements written on an old log,
I Muck Amok, have made a few discoveries today. My companion, Drop-Shoe, does not have a tongue. Remeber for next mission NOT to have him whistle if someone is approching. Still pulling arrows from rear section of self.

Day 2 of ' Operation Piss Off':

Glorious day!
Drop Shoe has actually followed an order I have given him! When an enemy approches, he now will pull off his left arm, and appropriately whack the nearest tree, therefore giving me the alarm. Only one draw-back, said tree had a badger sleeping under it at the time. Still removing smelly, angry badger from backside of self.

Day 3 of 'Operation Piss Off' :

*sigh*
Poor Drop Shoe is no more.
As we approched the camp of Paladin Goody-2-Shoes, Drop Shoe slipped in some badger droppings left on the path. The aromatic alarm left from his face entering the massive pile, apparently was too much for the Paladins delicate noses.

P.S,
All is not lost however, they did loose their dinner at the sight of Drop Shoe's sacrifice.


Final Day of 'Operation Piss Off' :

Scouting the Moor today, found a really hip Necromancer. I think he said his name was 'Dath_Flame', or something like that. States he can ressurect Drop Shoe for me, if I can locate all of his peices.
That damn badger!

Ok, ok...I suck.
LOL
**HUGZZ**

[0xDEADCAFE]

Now, now, Mommaz, you don't suck. I'm not sure what an English teacher would say about this, but I find it likable enough. It is very loose, perhaps too much so, but it also doesn't take itself too seriously. I will almost always read short, easy to digest pieces if they seem at all interesting, and your writing has more than enough flair and humor to be entertaining.

I liked this. Your writing is very easy to read. You've got a knack for simple, flowing sentences, and you've definitely got a sense of humor. It's something you could build on if you wanted to do more substantial pieces, but if you prefer to post short bits like this, I, for one, have no objections.

Hail, Mommaz of the Definitely Non-Suxxing! :thumbsup:

[Mommazz]

Now, now, Mommaz, you don't suck. I'm not sure what an English teacher would say about this, but I find it likable enough. It is very loose, perhaps too much so, but it also doesn't take itself too seriously. I will almost always read short, easy to digest pieces if they seem at all interesting, and your writing has more than enough flair and humor to be entertaining.

I liked this. Your writing is very easy to read. You've got a knack for simple, flowing sentences, and you've definitely got a sense of humor. It's something you could build on if you wanted to do more substantial pieces, but if you prefer to post short bits like this, I, for one, have no objections.

Hail, Mommaz of the Definitely Non-Suxxing! :thumbsup:

*Wide smile*
Thank you so much 0xDEADCAFE!
Yes, my grammar and punctuation have always been lacking...LOL
There are many more 'chapterettes' to this tale, my favorite Necromancer, Dath_Flame is heavily involved with the 'mission' Muck and Drop-shoe find themselves thrust into.

[bladesyz]

I like, i like! Very fun read!

[Mommazz]

I like, i like! Very fun read!

Thank you Bladesyz!
I hope you are enjoying our 'Hero', and his um, adventures!
Never fear, Drop-Shoe soon will return, and hopefuly discover why humans use soap!
I have recieved permission from one of the most talented writers from the (won't mention the FFF name), to use one of his characters from a story called: Sanctuary is now officially DOOMED.
He is a necromancer, named Dath_Flame.
He's Brittish, wears a kilt, and has a very twisted sense of humor!
I pray he can help our wayward zombies in thier endevours to unlock the mysteries of the universe, discover WHY the Grace of Heaven had avoided them like the preverbial plague!
Stay tuned for the tales that never get that 'Been-out-in-the-sun-to-long' rotted flesh stench!
And, as a 'plug' for my friend AAHIMGONNADIE (Who wrote Sanctuary is now officially DOOMED) I give you an ode to Dath_Flame:


Ladies and gentlemen!
Boys and girls!
Demons of all ages!
Live! From the Den-o-Evil, Your Master and ours,DIABLO is proud to present:
The Shaman's Pep Squad!!!
**The room goes wild!**
Ahem.
And now, without further adou:

Dath_Flame!
He's a Brit that knows Necro-mancy,
He wears a kilt, but he ain't no fancy!
Dath Flame!
Women do swoon, the men want to fight,
Heck, I'd find ya cute too, if you weren't such a fright!
Dath Flame!
Off on a quest, to that 'Mona-stary',
You kicked Andariel's butt! Ms. OOOO-I'm soooo scary!
Dath Flame!
You made a new friend, a Paladin Boiy,
Little did we know, he was Andariel's play toy.
Dath Flame!
Your doing good deeds, all over Sanct-uary,
Tyreal would bless you, if he wasn't such a fairy!
Dath Flame!
So keep up the skillz, you good-doer you,
Kill all the nasty demons, with your skeleton crew!
Dath Flame!!!!!!!!-Yeah!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[RevenantsKnight]

On the first post: seriously, this doesn’t suck. It’s somewhat light on the details, as well as on the short side, but given the humorous tone of the piece, I wouldn’t say it’s a problem. As 0xDEADCAFE noted, this is very “easy to digest,” which never hurts with lighthearted stuff. You’d definitely need to expand on this if you were planning to make a serious story out of this, but if not...hey, it’s a fun enough read. Anyway, some specific comments:


There isn't much to do out here, in this place called 'Blood Moor' these days. Ever since Big D and his Brothers bit the big one a few weeks back.

I’d combine this into one sentence, making the period after “days” a comma and decapitalizing “ever,” since the second part isn’t a complete sentence.


Let's face it, Muck and Drop Shoe only actually MAIMED one Hero during it all,
and that puts a huge damper on ones confidence as a 'Hell-Spawn' don't ya know.

Hrm...the formatting here is a little odd; what’s with the line break in the middle of the sentence? Also, I’d put a comma after “Hell-Spawn.”


So, since the clash between the Paladin Goody-2-shoes, and his Bretheren, Muck Amok thought it was time for a little good old fashioned payback.

That should be “Goody-two-shoes” (unless you’re making that a battle.net screenname,) and “brethren.”


Dear statements written on an old log,

Hrm...he’s addressing statements that have previously been written on a log? Odd...


I Muck Amok, have made a few discoveries today.

There should be a comma after “I.”


Remeber for next mission NOT to have him whistle if someone is approching.

Heh...hindsight. Gotta love it, right?

Some quick notes: those should be “Remember” and “approaching.”


Still pulling arrows from rear section of self.

Muck Amok can pull arrows out of his body and write at the same time? Nice coordination for a corpse. :D


When an enemy approches, he now will pull off his left arm, and appropriately whack the nearest tree, therefore giving me the alarm.

That should be “approaches.”


Only one draw-back, said tree had a badger sleeping under it at the time.

I’m not exactly sure on this, but I think that there should be a comma after “drawback” (which I also think isn’t hyphenated.)


As we approched the camp of Paladin Goody-2-Shoes, Drop Shoe slipped in some badger droppings left on the path.

That should be “approached.”


The aromatic alarm left from his face entering the massive pile, apparently was too much for the Paladins delicate noses.

The comma after “pile” is unnecessary, I think, and that should be “Paladins’,” if you mean that there were multiple Paladins. (I’m assuming that there were from “noses.”)


All is not lost however, they did loose their dinner at the sight of Drop Shoe's sacrifice.

There should be a comma after “lost” and a semicolon after “however.”


States he can ressurect Drop Shoe for me, if I can locate all of his peices.

Those should be “resurrect” and “pieces.”


That damn badger!

Nice. :)

In conclusion, yeah, you don't suck. I've still got my eyeballs intact, after all... :lol: Thanks for posting!

[Fluffballer]

I don't think you need to use your tongue to whistle. I've been trying it for the past several minutes, but short of doing something drastic, I can't my tongue out of the way enough. My hypothesis is that you can whistle without a tongue, though. I will continue my testing.

[Disco-neck Ted]

Hi Mommazz. How goes it? Looks like you enjoyed writing this, and you made some people laugh.

Cool.

But for me, if this bit was much longer, the problems would outweigh the entertainment value and probably compel me to stop reading. Just in the first two sentences you have bad tense shifts and POV shifts. Not a very promising start. I think you can do better.

There are sparkles of wit in your work which were enjoyable. But did you ever see the "Blackadder" series? The writers and cast would get together and rework each scene, with everyone tossing out ideas and trying out slight variations on a bit, or scrapping something good for something great. It really paid off, the show was hilarious.

The point? Just because something is funny doesn't mean it couldn't be better and funnier. Your story would benefit a great deal from a re-write with attention paid towards getting the most bang for the buck. More and bigger laughs. If "Drop-Shoe" is an amusing name for a zombie, then maybe "Drop-Hat" or "Drop-Hankie" is even more so*. If additional laughs can't be packed in, then perhaps more "story", so the gems stand out against that backdrop. Instead of earning a smirk here and there, maybe you can get people to snort milk out their noses. It's good to dream...

Thanks for a snicker. Have fun with the rest of it.

-DnT

*Not suggesting these zombie names are superior, just pointing out that there may be untapped potential here or elsewhere.

[Mommazz]

LOL
I hope this installment gives you all smiles.
*Hugz*


Act2, A Day in the Un-Life:

'Those Devilkin sure can cook!'
-----------------------------------------

Muck Amok was having a bad morning.
Not your typical 'Boo-hoo-my-corn-flakes-are-soggy' bad morning,
But the kind that makes you want to run screaming, back under the rock you crawled out from under, bad
morning.

With Drop-Shoe in two seperate peices, one sitting, reeking at his feet, and the other half, being grudingly dragged across the Blood Moor by a rather large, irate badger.
*Sigh*
This was not going to be easy. Muck HAD to retrieve the not- so- whole Drop-Shoe, in order for Dath_Flame the Necromancer to raise him AGAIN.

"What are you looking at?!" Yelled Muck..
The peircing eyes of Dath_Flame had never left the back of Muck's neck.
"Well? Answer me!" This was getting ridiculous.

Ever since the argumant between The-Paladin, and Dath_Flame, the latter hasn't spoken a single word.

*Ahem*

The Paladin always did that, right before he started rambling on about; Let's do this, or, why don't you walk that way, you should carry the torso like so. Very annoying.
Muck wondered why this shiny man wasn't dead yet too.

But, to the surprise of Muck and Dath, The Paladin simply pointed.
Ajusting his eyes, to see just where the finger was aimed, Muck saw exactly what The Paladin was pointing at:
Devilkin.
About 12 of them, little red, and dancing?

"We got the goods! We got the hots!
Everything yum-yum!
From the bottom of our pots!!!"

Muck had to look closely, they weren't armed? How strange, Devilkin always had torches, swords, and even pointy sticks for crying out loud. This was highly unusual!

The Shaman of the group walked up to Dath, and said, "We got yum-yums, you got gold?"
Dath was in mid-curse at the moment, so The Paladin, ever the diplomat, opened his big mouth, and said:"Yes."
Bad move.

With that statement, all of he Devilkin became VERY excited, running about, and bringing trays of food,
spicy smelling food, from the large hut in the middle of the camp.
Dath, decided he wasn't going to curse such generous critters.
The Paladin's mouth started watering.
Muck knew better.
=================================38 minutes later, and 200 gold poorer.................................

Dath, and The Paladin, leaning against a tree, were stuffed.
Rubbing their full tummies, and belching happily.
Muck was afraid, VERY afraid.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear strip of cloth I ripped off Drop-Shoe's torso to write on:

Today started out horrible, and ended , well, HORRIBLE!
If it wasn't bad enough, I hook up with these two human yahoos, and all heck breaks loose!
Why me, why me???????????

This Dath_Flame fellow says he can help me, well, ok, I NEED help.
But a PALADIN too??
States he can't do anything without his 'pahtner'.......strange accent this fellow has.

Everything is going fine, tracking badger that decided to use Drop-Shoe's upper half as a squeaky toy,
half way across Sanctuary!

Note to self:
1.) No more pissing off badgers for the hell of it.
2.) No more throwing cohorts at said pissed off badger.
3.) No more humans allowed on missions!

Stopped for a rest next to a rather large cave.
Of course, The Paladin thought we all should just run in there, and kill all of the 'Evil' monsters that lived in there.
Pfffffffftttttt! My Uncle Sal shacks up in there, with half of the Shaman's choir!

Heck, the sign over the entrance says:
Den-o-Evil Apartments.
Stupid paladin. Some humans just don't use their gray matter much.

So, needless to say, we go in the cave.
Big mistake.
Burritos, humans, confined space...................

The explosion was said to be heard all the way up on MT. Arreat, go figure.
The Paladin resembled a large silver bird, flying gracefullly through the saphire skies.
Dath, on the other hand, looked more like a burned out match stick.

Now I'm going to have a bunch of hairy yahoos from some mountain mad at me.
*sigh*
I need to sit quietly for a while.
Maybe the badger will just bring Drop-Shoe back.
It did get the end that landed in the droppings after all........
All I can do is hope.

P.S.
Whats a good body wash to use for burnt bandages?
================================================== ====================================Until next time!============================================= ======================

[RevenantsKnight]

On Act 2: there’re some funny moments, as before, but the plot is also still a bit too incomplete, which is more of a problem for a running story than it is for a shorter, more whimsical piece. I’m not entirely sure about what was happening at a few points, and that definitely made this bog down some. Also, the formatting is a bit odd; there’re a number of places where you seem to throw in line breaks in the middle of a sentence, and the dividers made out of dashes push out the margin, which is a bit disruptive (how’d you manage it to do that, anyway? I’ve never seen a post on this forum with funky margins before...) Anyway, here’re some specific comments:


Not your typical 'Boo-hoo-my-corn-flakes-are-soggy' bad morning,
But the kind that makes you want to run screaming, back under the rock you crawled out from under, bad
morning.

The “but” here shouldn’t be capitalized, since it’s in the middle of the sentence, and the comma after “screaming” is unnecessary. Also, the word ordering for the second half here seems off to me; I don’t think you need the “bad morning” at the end from a grammatical standpoint, and could just end it after “under.” Finally, I’m not sure why there’s a break that leaves “morning” alone at the end of the sentence...was that intentional?


With Drop-Shoe in two seperate peices, one sitting, reeking at his feet, and the other half, being grudingly dragged across the Blood Moor by a rather large, irate badger.

Those should be “separate,” “pieces” and “grudgingly,” respectively, and the comma after “half” is unnecessary. Also, this isn’t a complete sentence, as this whole thing is a dependent clause; everything after “pieces” modifies those pieces, which means that, in theory, removing them from the sentence shouldn’t change the meaning. If you do that, though, you’re left with “With Drop-Shoe in two separate pieces.” Now, that’s not a complete sentence, because it leaves open the question “So he’s in two pieces. What now?” If you wanted this to be a sentence on its own, I’d revise the first part to read something like “Drop-Shoe was now in two separate pieces...”


Muck HAD to retrieve the not- so- whole Drop-Shoe, in order for Dath_Flame the Necromancer to raise him AGAIN.

There shouldn’t be spaces between the dashes here; since it’s all one big adjective for Drop-Shoe, it’s treated as one word and should be written that way. Also, I don’t recall the time he got raised before this point...I have to say that the confusion here made me go and re-read the first chapter.


"What are you looking at?!" Yelled Muck..

There’s an extra period at the end there, and “yelled” shouldn’t be capitalized, because it’s part of a phrase attributing the speech to a character. Given that, this is all one sentence; normal words in the middle of the sentence wouldn’t be capitalized.


The peircing eyes of Dath_Flame had never left the back of Muck's neck.

That should be “piercing.”


Ever since the argumant between The-Paladin, and Dath_Flame, the latter hasn't spoken a single word.

That should be “argument,” and I definitely don’t remember this...


The Paladin always did that, right before he started rambling on about; Let's do this, or, why don't you walk that way, you should carry the torso like so.

Hrm...I’m not sure exactly what the correct punctuation for this would be, but a semicolon is usually used to link two independent clauses, which isn’t quite what you’re doing here.


Ajusting his eyes, to see just where the finger was aimed, Muck saw exactly what The Paladin was pointing at:
Devilkin.

That should be “Adjusting,” and the comma after “eyes” is unnecessary. Also, I’d delete the line break before “Devilkin”; the colon should be emphasis enough.


About 12 of them, little red, and dancing?

There should be a comma after “little.”


Dath was in mid-curse at the moment, so The Paladin, ever the diplomat, opened his big mouth, and said:"Yes."

The colon here should be a comma.


With that statement, all of he Devilkin became VERY excited, running about, and bringing trays of food,
spicy smelling food, from the large hut in the middle of the camp.

The comma after “running about” is unnecessary, and I’d delete the line break after “trays of food.”


Dath, decided he wasn't going to curse such generous critters.

The comma here is unnecessary.


Rubbing their full tummies, and belching happily.

This isn’t a complete sentence because there’s no subject. Both of these are participial phrases, which can be distinguished by the use of –ing verbs as anything other than a noun, and since the phrases as a whole aren’t operating as nouns, there’s no subject.


Everything is going fine, tracking badger that decided to use Drop-Shoe's upper half as a squeaky toy,
half way across Sanctuary!

“Halfway” is one word, and I’d reword this to read “...squeaky toy, dragging it halfway...” Also, the line break after “squeaky toy” is unnecessary, I’d say.


Note to self:
1.) No more pissing off badgers for the hell of it.

Heh...especially when they can rip you in half and drag your torso around. ;)


Heck, the sign over the entrance says:
Den-o-Evil Apartments.

I’d put this on one line, and punctuate it as “...says ‘Den-o-Evil Apartments.’”


So, needless to say, we go in the cave.
Big mistake.
Burritos, humans, confined space...................

Ew...that was funny. Mistake, indeed.


The explosion was said to be heard all the way up on MT. Arreat, go figure.

The “Mt.” abbreviation doesn’t have both letters capitalized.


The Paladin resembled a large silver bird, flying gracefullly through the saphire skies.

Those should be “gracefully” and “sapphire,” respectively.


Whats a good body wash to use for burnt bandages?

That should be “What’s,” since you could just replace it with “What is...”

Somehow, this didn’t seem to read as cleanly as the first installment, which is a bit of a problem; while there were some spelling and grammar mistakes there, they weren’t as noticeable as they were here for some reason. Combined with the occasionally confusing storyline, I thought this wasn’t quite up to the standards of your first post. If possible, I’d suggest revising this a bit to round off the rough bits; while there’re some amusing bits here, they got a bit lost amid everything else. Good luck with your writing, and thanks for posting!