Vurcos

[Science Cryption]

The Childs name was Vurcos, his mother was dead and his father was not.
His father wasn't dead because he was never ment to die, he was only ment to survive. "It is as all things must be done," he would always say, and this was the moment that Vurcos knew his father had been wrong. He knew that seeing his fathers dagger logged in his mothers face had nothing to do with what must be done.
There was no hate in Vurcos's thoughts, no anger or remorse for the situation before him. It was a moment in life, as any other comes and goes.
Vurcos was taught to accept all things as they have happened. Only when things were allready done was he to act. Moakas was Vurcos's father, and at that moment moakas spoke words of meaning to Vurcos. "Hear me child, I have done wrong. You must avenge your mothers death, you must destroy me. Only then will this be made right to you, and your happyness."
He dissapeared into the blasing heat, with the sign of death cascading inevitably to the scorching sands of ancient times long gone. He turned and smiled at his only child. Moakas turned into the storm of fire and walked away from vurcos and his life. Vurcos was old enough to know what it ment to be aloan, to be tired and hungry. He would have little trouble surviving, But for how long? Vurcos remembered his fathers words again,"It is as things must be done." Vurcos smiled and pulled the dagger from his mothers battered body. With a sadistic yet jubilant smile he ran out the door after his father.

10 years later
It was a cool spring afternoon in hafernia. The birds sang and the beatles danced. The Goais springs mountain brothal was in moderat vacancy at the time, and yet the city was full of merchants and would be outlaws. Kolpswa was tired of working. He was glad that it was finaly his break from prisoner gaurd duty. "Huhh..," it was a slow yet forcefull sigh. "Why does it always seem like the sun never falls from sight around the prison," he asked himself aloud. "Becuase the Night has no place comforting these allready dark souls."
Said a voice from somewhere in front of Kolpswa. "What?," it was a forced responce and kolpswa knew it wasn't entirely boasting of self assuredness.
Again the voice peirced his ears like ice water down a sleeping mans spine.
"I only mean that such men deserve no comfort as such of their comrade in crime." "Darkness is their strength, wouldn't you agree?" The voice was seemingly directly in front of Kolpswa. "That couldn't be," He thought to himself. "Theres nothing but a wall in front of me." again he was thinking more of where the voice came then the actual words being spoken.
Then as if in a dream, kolpswa saw a cloak emerge like a sword trough fleash from the tall stone wall. "Your not afraid to kill a stranger," "I can see it in your hands." "Strong and confident in it's ability, yes i see your skill does not just lie in your weapon." "nor in your statis a gaurd of Hafernia."
The Cloak was empty, it seemed to be floating with nothing to show for it's empty confines. Kolpswa was mad with confusion, yet flattered by the complements from these floating rags. "Who are you?" "Where are you?" his voice was strong but witheld from demand.
Then as if day had never been there in the first place, the stone and sand all around kolpswa turned frozen solid. Kolpswas feet were stuck in the sand that had so suddenly turned to a stonelike blue surface. The cloak began to burn, and with it the ice around it. The sand along with the wall turned to nothing but water. Then soaked the ground and disappered beneath the sands. From the ashes arose a naked figure. Tall and rather ragged from his apperance. He was slim yet stood as all mightly men seem to stand. "My name is moakas, and your going to help me kill my son."
The same time as Moakas and kolpswa were at the outer prison wall, Vurcos was being transfered from cell III-G to The exicution level above the palace. "Your son?" kolpswa was in shock. "Yes my son Vurcos, I believe you know him." Moakas was scared from head to toe, but seemed more fit then even kolpswa. "Vurcos? but he's allready schedualed for public exicution tonight." "For the theft of the Imperial Signat." "Did you not know of this?" Kolpswa had no idea weather to call for help or sit down for a long conversation. He admited to himself that he was very interested in the situation. "Yes, I'm well aware of that." "The matter however is not so simple, you see the signat was never stolen." "It was replaced by the Bishops to lure the emperor to the exicution grounds tonight."
"My son has had years to kill me, but he shames himself by living with what was done to him, he is weak and must not live to spread his weakness." "Besides if he dies the emperor will not need to leave the palace."
"You can save the Emperor Kolpswa, You and I and those who plan to murder the emperor will be the only to know of your success." He was mad with the idea. Kolpswa saw it in his every move. "Why not leak an assassination threat to the palace? The emperor will have no choice but to remain there." Kolpswa seemed pleased with his simple solution to the problem. "You fool! The entire Emperium will be there, according to empiral code: no memeber may be unacounted for whilst all of council are present at one time. He would be murdered anyway for such an act."
Meanwhile Vurcos was being bled by Isoljo blades, which will give him tremendous awareness but very little strength, not even enough to stand. The day was moving on, and the brothal girls were taking a weekly bath together along with the maiden Mistress of goais Springs. Below the peak lay the baker and his 9 children, who never seem to loose or gain wealth no matter what the city's popularity may be. sorrounding the bakers house are scattered wine chatous, and clothing shops that never require another costomer to survive. The palace is east of Goais and rests on the sister peak of hafernia mountain. Within it, at this moment the emperor speaks in confidence to his lovely daughter Dadorim. Their Conversation is of a matter pertaining to vurcos, but concerning moakas.

[0xDEADCAFE]

I found this interesting in a mad, disjointed sort of way. For example, the opening has a sing-song quality to it and the stark subject matter is strangely enticing.


The Childs name was Vurcos, his mother was dead and his father was not.
His father wasn't dead because he was never ment to die, he was only ment to survive. "It is as all things must be done," he would always say, and this was the moment that Vurcos knew his father had been wrong. He knew that seeing his fathers dagger logged in his mothers face had nothing to do with what must be done.

The rest of it continues to intrigue with its odd perspectives and sudden scene changes, but unfortunately you seem to have gone back to your old ways of posting extremely rough drafts. I think I could like a story like this if you cleaned it up and took the time to turn your ideas into a cohesive plot.

[Science Cryption]

I'm going back to school soon, i hope double english majoring will help me. :-)
I really like this story myself. I like the words in it, make me feel at home.
Thanks for the post again oxdeadcafe.

[RevenantsKnight]

I have to agree with 0xDEADCAFE: this reads very roughly, and that’s really a pity, because I know you can do better in terms of clarity; heck, you did do better with The Forgotten Sands. Please take the time to run over and edit your stories a few times before posting them here; not only will you make a better impression on your audience, you’ll get responses much faster, because it admittedly takes a long time for me to process very rough material.

Anyway, the story: grammar and spelling problems aside, the plot looks a bit skeletal, in that there’s an idea here, but not many parts of it are developed. You don’t necessarily have to reveal it all at one point, of course, and in fact I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case, given the shifting subjects of the narration. In some ways, it’s a good approach to leaving some things unexplained for a while; however, I think that this particular case doesn’t quite have enough to it. I’d advise spending a little more time on fleshing out these moments shown here, even if you’re going to come back and add more to them in later chapters through flashbacks, dialogue, or some other mechanism. Some specific comments:


The Childs name was Vurcos, his mother was dead and his father was not.

“Childs” should be “child’s,” and the comma after “Vurcos” should be a semicolon.


His father wasn't dead because he was never ment to die, he was only ment to survive.

In both instances here, “ment” should be “meant.” Also, I’d make the comma after “die” a period, starting a new sentence with “He was...”


He knew that seeing his fathers dagger logged in his mothers face had nothing to do with what must be done.

That should be “father’s dagger” and “lodged in.”


It was a moment in life, as any other comes and goes.

Interesting view of things. I’d word this, though, as “...life that came and went, just as any other. ”


Only when things were allready done was he to act.

That should be “already.”


Moakas was Vurcos's father, and at that moment moakas spoke words of meaning to Vurcos.

Since “ moakas” is a name, it should be capitalized.


"You must avenge your mothers death, you must destroy me.”

That should be “mother’s,” because the death belongs to her, after a fashion, so you need the possessive, or the noun with an apostrophe and then an “s” on the end. Also, the comma after “death” should be a period or a semicolon.


“Only then will this be made right to you, and your happyness."

“Happyness” should be “happiness.” Additionally, the wording is a bit off here; I’d write this as “...you, and will you gain your happiness.”


He dissapeared into the blasing heat, with the sign of death cascading inevitably to the scorching sands of ancient times long gone.

Those should be “disappeared” and “blazing.” After that, I’m not sure what you were trying to say...


Moakas turned into the storm of fire and walked away from vurcos and his life.

You should capitalize “vurcos,” since it’s a name. Also, I’m guessing from the previous sentence that they live in a desert, but if that’s the case, then “storm of fire” just sounds like an over-dramatic way to describe hot air or something. The scene needs to be described more clearly so things like this aren’t confusing.


Vurcos was old enough to know what it ment to be aloan, to be tired and hungry.

Those should be “meant” and “alone.”


He would have little trouble surviving, But for how long?

This sentence seems contradictory, in that “little trouble” suggests that survival, for Vurcos, would be an almost trivial accomplishment, and the second part attacks that image. I’d word this as something like “He would be able to survive for a while, but not forever.”


Vurcos remembered his fathers words again,"It is as things must be done."

“Fathers” should be “father’s,” as what you have is the plural of “father,” or multiple fathers. The possessive form, which is what you want because you’re indicating that those words were spoken by his father, is “father’s.” Also, you’re missing a space after the comma here.


Vurcos smiled and pulled the dagger from his mothers battered body.

That should be “mother’s,” for reasons given above.


10 years later

If you can help it, I’d suggest not spelling this sort of thing out for the reader. It gets the point across, no doubt, but it’s like pounding nails with a sledgehammer in that there’s a more controlled way of doing this. While this information is important, it’d read more smoothly if you could work it into the general narration or speech somehow.


It was a cool spring afternoon in hafernia.

I’m assuming “hafernia” is a place, in which case it should be capitalized. If it isn’t, then I haven’t a clue what you were trying to say.


The birds sang and the beatles danced.

Despite the fact that many, many rock fans might wish otherwise in tribute to a certain band, the word that refers to the insect is spelled “beetles.”


The Goais springs mountain brothal was in moderat vacancy at the time, and yet the city was full of merchants and would be outlaws.

Grammar and spelling: that should read “...brothel was moderately vacant...” and “would be” should be “would-be.” Also, “springs” should probably be capitalized, if it’s part of the place’s name.

On a different note, are you sure you meant “brothel”? If you did, this doesn’t quite make sense, and I don’t see why its vacancy matters...


He was glad that it was finaly his break from prisoner gaurd duty.’

Those should be “finally” and “guard.”


"Huhh..," it was a slow yet forcefull sigh.

That should be “forceful,” and this should be two sentences, with the second starting at “it.”


"Why does it always seem like the sun never falls from sight around the prison," he asked himself aloud.

Even though he’s not expecting an answer, this is a question and therefore should end with a question mark.


"Becuase the Night has no place comforting these allready dark souls." Said a voice from somewhere in front of Kolpswa.

Spelling: those should be “Because” and “already.”

Punctuation: the period inside the quotes should be a comma, and this should all be one sentence, with “Said” in lowercase.


"What?," it was a forced responce and kolpswa knew it wasn't entirely boasting of self assuredness.

The comma after the question mark is unnecessary, and “response” has no “c” in it. Also, “kolpswa” should be capitalized because it’s a name, and the last bit is worded rather awkwardly...I’d use something like “...knew it didn’t entirely exude self-assurance.”


Again the voice peirced his ears like ice water down a sleeping mans spine.

A good image...though it doesn’t quite work here, I’d say, because water doesn’t “pierce” in that situation. Maybe “assailed” would suit your needs. Additionally, those should be “pierced” and “man’s.”


"I only mean that such men deserve no comfort as such of their comrade in crime."

It isn’t clear who says this, and “as such of” should be “as such from.”


"That couldn't be," He thought to himself.

The “he” here shouldn’t be capitalized.


"Theres nothing but a wall in front of me." again he was thinking more of where the voice came then the actual words being spoken.

“Theres” should be “There’s,” and “again” should be capitalized, as it’s the start of a new sentence. Also, the middle part should be worded “...thinking more about where the voice was coming from than the...”


Then as if in a dream, kolpswa saw a cloak emerge like a sword trough fleash from the tall stone wall.

“Kolpswa” should be capitalized, because it’s a name. I’m not going to flag any further instances of this from here on out; I feel that there’re plenty of examples as it is. So, I’m going to ask a challenge of you: try to find each of the other errors like this in the rest of the piece and fix them. If you can do that, then this should sink in much more than me repeating myself, and you will hopefully correct yourself in the future as you write, which is an overall good thing.

That aside, the middle of this sentence should read “...sword through flesh...” Nice image, by the way.


"Your not afraid to kill a stranger," "I can see it in your hands." "Strong and confident in it's ability, yes i see your skill does not just lie in your weapon." "nor in your statis a gaurd of Hafernia."

If the cloak says all of this, then all of this should be in one set of quotation marks. Don’t add new sets of them to a string of spoken text unless the speaker changes.

Grammar and spelling: “Your not...” should be “You’re not...,” “it’s” should be “their,” “i” should be capitalized, the comma after “weapon” should be a comma, “statis” should be “status,” and “gaurd” should be “guard.”


The Cloak was empty, it seemed to be floating with nothing to show for it's empty confines.

That should be “its empty confines”; “its” is a possessive form, which is what you want here, and “it’s” is a contraction of “it is.” Seriously, try reading “it is empty confines.” Doesn’t quite work, methinks.


"Who are you?" "Where are you?" his voice was strong but witheld from demand.

The two spoken parts should be in one pair of quotation marks because the same person says both of them. Also, “his” should be capitalized, and “withheld” has two instances of “h” in it...though I’d word this as “refrained from demanding.”


Kolpswas feet were stuck in the sand that had so suddenly turned to a stonelike blue surface.

That should be “Kolpswa’s.”


The sand along with the wall turned to nothing but water. Then soaked the ground and disappered beneath the sands.

Spelling: that should be “disappeared.”

Grammar: these should be one sentence, with the period after “water” changing to a comma and “Then” becoming “which.”


From the ashes arose a naked figure. Tall and rather ragged from his apperance.

Spelling: that should be “appearance.”

Grammar: Same deal as above; just turn the period after “figure” into a comma and decapitalize “Tall.”


He was slim yet stood as all mightly men seem to stand.

That should be “mighty.”


"My name is moakas, and your going to help me kill my son."

“Your” should be “you’re.” This is similar to “its” and “it’s”; “your” indicates possession, and “you’re” is a contraction of “you are.” Whenever you use one of these, try replacing it with “you are” before moving on. If it works, great; if not, replace it with “your.” You’ll be right 90+% of the time.


The same time as Moakas and kolpswa were at the outer prison wall, Vurcos was being transfered from cell III-G to The exicution level above the palace.

Spelling and grammar: those should be “transferred” and “execution,” and “The” shouldn’t be capitalized.


"Yes my son Vurcos, I believe you know him."

There should be commas before and after “my son,” and the comma after “Vurcos” should be a period or a semicolon.


"Vurcos? but he's allready schedualed for public exicution tonight."

The “but” after “Vurcos” should be capitalized, since it’s the start of a new sentence. Also, those should be “already,” “scheduled,” and “execution,” respectively.


"For the theft of the Imperial Signat." "Did you not know of this?"

These should be in one set of quotation marks if Moakas says them both. I’m not going to note further instances of this error; perhaps you could find them and correct them as well... Also, what did you mean by “Signat”?


Kolpswa had no idea weather to call for help or sit down for a long conversation.

“Weather” refers to things like the temperature. You want “whether” here.


He admited to himself that he was very interested in the situation.

That should be “admitted.”


"The matter however is not so simple, you see the signat was never stolen."

That should be “...simple; you see, the...”


"It was replaced by the Bishops to lure the emperor to the exicution grounds tonight."

That should be “execution.”


"My son has had years to kill me, but he shames himself by living with what was done to him, he is weak and must not live to spread his weakness."

The comma after “done to him” should be a semicolon.


"You can save the Emperor Kolpswa, You and I and those who plan to murder the emperor will be the only to know of your success."

The comma after “Kolpswa” should be a period, and there should be a comma after “Emperor.”


"The entire Emperium will be there, according to empiral code: no memeber may be unacounted for whilst all of council are present at one time."

...confused. Anyway, spelling: in order, those should be “imperial code,” “member,” and “unaccounted.”


Meanwhile Vurcos was being bled by Isoljo blades, which will give him tremendous awareness but very little strength, not even enough to stand.

“...which will give...” is in the present tense, while the rest of the narration (more or less) is in the past tense. This should be “...which gave him...”

There’s some more tense shifting later in the story; I’d like to see if you can catch and fix those errors on your own now that I’ve alerted you to them. If not, let me know.


Below the peak lay the baker and his 9 children, who never seem to loose or gain wealth no matter what the city's popularity may be.

That should be “...lose or gain...”


sorrounding the bakers house are scattered wine chatous, and clothing shops that never require another costomer to survive.

Spelling and grammar: the first word should be “Surrounding” (note the capitalization,) “chatous” should be “chateaux” (it’s technically French,) and “costomer” should be “customer.”

The above is by no means exhaustive; I concentrated on grammar, spelling and general issues here because I think those are essential. There’s other stuff, but it can wait until you iron out the wrinkles in this piece. Feel free to post a cleaned-up draft of this if you want, and I’ll see what else I can bring up.

I hate to close with a cautionary note, but...as 0xDEADCAFE pointed out, this reads like a very rough draft and so is extremely time-consuming to edit, regardless of the short length. Unfortunately, there is a point where I will just have to give up on a piece and move on to others, and this came within a hair of reaching that; in all honesty, I had an “I can’t finish this” response written up before I was halfway through and was tempted to use it repeatedly. Please, please edit and format your stories to the best of your ability before posting them here; I’m sure you could catch some of these mistakes on your own (after all, The Forgotten Sands was much cleaner) and it’s unfair to the other members of this forum if you leave them to do all your proofreading. In past posts, I’ve noted a number of things you should try to avoid in your writing; it may help to read them again and then edit your story.