TheAmoeba
02-05-2005, 03:19
hey OTF,
I have to rant a little. I'm not really sure why I'm so depressed all the time (yeah, I know I have depression and I take meds for it...though I'm trying to quit). It just seems like there's not much in my life that I like.
Some of you may remember a little while ago I asked what I could do to get over my ex of 5 years...well, I'm still not over her at all even though it's been like 4 months. I thought I was doing alright but I'm figuring out that she's pretty much completely over me. For example, we're still firends and everything and she finsihed her exams on wednesday. She said she would call tonight just cause things were really busy for both of us (see later). She hasn't and I'm totally depressed (Yeah, I know I should have cut off all communications with her but I haven't been able to).
This week was supposed to be really great too. I went to a friend's after-exams party on friday night with a couple of friends but I still didn't have the best of times. I tried drinking to see if that would loosen me up a bit (the first time I even tried alcohol was last week). I either didn't drink enough or the alcohol doesn't do anything other than make me dizzy (I hate, HATE the taste of it and don't really like drinking anything). I was hoping to pick up a girl (hell, even talk to one would have been nice) but was didn't cause I was too shy or something. So nothing happened there, even though I'm going crazy (last time I even kissed a girl was in december...).
Last night I went out to a friend's bday thing. First time going to a bar like the one I went to (any Ottawa people will know what Lower Deck is like). Didn't talk to any ladies other than my friends and was pretty down cause of that (not to mention a $75 parking ticket...).
Other stuff that's not going to well with me: I start work tomorrow at a pharmaceutical company for coop and I have a feeling that the job is going to suck. From the interview I was told I'll pretty much be washing test tubes. Not the way I want to spend my summer. It's going to be inside a lab the whole day with no one to talk to and I'm afraid I'll go crazy - just like I did at my old job. I still have to talk to my supervisor to see what I'm going to be doing but I'm really not sure waht to expect and I don't like that.
Still living at home....I feel like I'm missing sooo much by not living on my own. I know, there's a bunch of benefits of living with my parents but I need something new. My friend told me he was moving somehwere for the summer and told me I could move in too but it fell apart since the room wasn't available. It would have been great and it would have saved me about 30 mins each way in transport time to work. At home things are driving me crazy. I live with my brother, his wife and my parents and the house seems very crowded at times. I don't get much privacy at times (like whenever I get a call - rarely it seems - my parents won't stop asking me who it is even though they know it wasn't for them).
I think the worst part is the feeling of invisibilty. I don't know if anyone knows what I mean but I feel like I have loser tattoed on my forehead at times. I have no luck with the ladies (it seems that girls don't even check me out in everyday life, let alone clubs or bars). My ex is pretty much fending guys off with a pointy stick but I'm the exact opposite. If I do get eye contact with a girl, I lose my confidence and can't even go talk to them. I have no idea what to say, much less interest them or charm them. I don't think I'm bad looking and some of my girlfriends even said I was hot (seems hard to believe right now) so I really don't know what's wrong with me. I know girls can sense depseration from a mile away, so maybe that's what it is. I also feel invisible cause I rarely get phone calls from friends just to talk. Yeah, I know it sounds strange for a guy but I like talking to people (even if I'm pretty quiet and shy). Another reason I don't like being alone all the time.'
Some things I'm looking forward to (I may be depressed, but it's not sooo bad all the time and I still have some stuff I'm looking forward to): I'm starting a class tomorrow. It should be good cause I'll be with 2 friends who I don't see too often but are still great to be with. Also, I should be able to meet some new people there. I think I have to force myself to talk to some people. Friday and sat nights for the summer are going to be good. I'm hoping to go every time since alot of myfriends are going to be back from uni for the summer. I may be pretty lonely right now but I'm thinking it's also a matter of time before a girl comes along (almost any girl at this time :D ).
If you've read this far. thanks...I feel better getting some of this off my chest. Also, any advice would be appreciated (anything, even "get over yourself, other people have it much worst" - I feel quilty cause I know this is true but I still feel pretty crappy).
/rant
I have to rant a little. I'm not really sure why I'm so depressed all the time (yeah, I know I have depression and I take meds for it...though I'm trying to quit). It just seems like there's not much in my life that I like.
Some of you may remember a little while ago I asked what I could do to get over my ex of 5 years...well, I'm still not over her at all even though it's been like 4 months. I thought I was doing alright but I'm figuring out that she's pretty much completely over me. For example, we're still firends and everything and she finsihed her exams on wednesday. She said she would call tonight just cause things were really busy for both of us (see later). She hasn't and I'm totally depressed (Yeah, I know I should have cut off all communications with her but I haven't been able to).
This week was supposed to be really great too. I went to a friend's after-exams party on friday night with a couple of friends but I still didn't have the best of times. I tried drinking to see if that would loosen me up a bit (the first time I even tried alcohol was last week). I either didn't drink enough or the alcohol doesn't do anything other than make me dizzy (I hate, HATE the taste of it and don't really like drinking anything). I was hoping to pick up a girl (hell, even talk to one would have been nice) but was didn't cause I was too shy or something. So nothing happened there, even though I'm going crazy (last time I even kissed a girl was in december...).
Last night I went out to a friend's bday thing. First time going to a bar like the one I went to (any Ottawa people will know what Lower Deck is like). Didn't talk to any ladies other than my friends and was pretty down cause of that (not to mention a $75 parking ticket...).
Other stuff that's not going to well with me: I start work tomorrow at a pharmaceutical company for coop and I have a feeling that the job is going to suck. From the interview I was told I'll pretty much be washing test tubes. Not the way I want to spend my summer. It's going to be inside a lab the whole day with no one to talk to and I'm afraid I'll go crazy - just like I did at my old job. I still have to talk to my supervisor to see what I'm going to be doing but I'm really not sure waht to expect and I don't like that.
Still living at home....I feel like I'm missing sooo much by not living on my own. I know, there's a bunch of benefits of living with my parents but I need something new. My friend told me he was moving somehwere for the summer and told me I could move in too but it fell apart since the room wasn't available. It would have been great and it would have saved me about 30 mins each way in transport time to work. At home things are driving me crazy. I live with my brother, his wife and my parents and the house seems very crowded at times. I don't get much privacy at times (like whenever I get a call - rarely it seems - my parents won't stop asking me who it is even though they know it wasn't for them).
I think the worst part is the feeling of invisibilty. I don't know if anyone knows what I mean but I feel like I have loser tattoed on my forehead at times. I have no luck with the ladies (it seems that girls don't even check me out in everyday life, let alone clubs or bars). My ex is pretty much fending guys off with a pointy stick but I'm the exact opposite. If I do get eye contact with a girl, I lose my confidence and can't even go talk to them. I have no idea what to say, much less interest them or charm them. I don't think I'm bad looking and some of my girlfriends even said I was hot (seems hard to believe right now) so I really don't know what's wrong with me. I know girls can sense depseration from a mile away, so maybe that's what it is. I also feel invisible cause I rarely get phone calls from friends just to talk. Yeah, I know it sounds strange for a guy but I like talking to people (even if I'm pretty quiet and shy). Another reason I don't like being alone all the time.'
Some things I'm looking forward to (I may be depressed, but it's not sooo bad all the time and I still have some stuff I'm looking forward to): I'm starting a class tomorrow. It should be good cause I'll be with 2 friends who I don't see too often but are still great to be with. Also, I should be able to meet some new people there. I think I have to force myself to talk to some people. Friday and sat nights for the summer are going to be good. I'm hoping to go every time since alot of myfriends are going to be back from uni for the summer. I may be pretty lonely right now but I'm thinking it's also a matter of time before a girl comes along (almost any girl at this time :D ).
If you've read this far. thanks...I feel better getting some of this off my chest. Also, any advice would be appreciated (anything, even "get over yourself, other people have it much worst" - I feel quilty cause I know this is true but I still feel pretty crappy).
/rant