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Steve_Kow
14-01-2005, 12:46
*Authors note- This is a continuation of a series of stories entitled 'The Adventures of Bill the necromancer, and the rescue of Cain' that was floating around this forum about 1 1/2 years ago, I don't have any of the previous chapters so . . . just try and follow along all right?*

The Further Adventures of Bill the necromancer.
Chapter VII

Bill’s plan had been ruined.

If asked, he never would’ve admitted it, but he knew that Desurevo Ehcilc was a fine warrior and was vital to the success of the mission. Necromancy is extremely powerful; some say that it is the most powerful magical discipline known to mortal men (men can master fire and ice, but none have yet to overcome death. The necromancers have come close), yet it requires finesse. The confusion of a massive battle against hundreds or even thousands of demons is hardly ideal for his craft. He needed a man with a strong sword-arm for this fight, and he had it in Desurevo Ehcilc, but that was before the traveler came.

In the years to come Bill would speculate that the traveler was an agent of Andariel, the timing of his arrival (a mere week after Bill and Desurevo Ehcilc had destroyed an enclave of demons who were within striking distance of the Rogue’s encampment) was too convenient to be a coincidence. Nevertheless his tale of the fair maiden who had been kidnapped by a foul witch (who was also her evil stepmother) and was to be sacrificed to a powerful dragon fascinated Desurevo Ehcilc.

“I must save her! Don’t you understand Bill? This is my destiny, this is what I was made to do!” He said.

Bill could not retort, he knew that saving a maiden from a dragon and an evil witch was what a knight like Desurevo Ehcilc had to do. Desurevo Ehcilc mounted his noble white steed, and rode off into the sunset. He and Bill never crossed paths again, but legend has it that he defeated both the dragon and the witch (with the help of a powerful sword he pulled from a stone) and that he and the fair maiden lived happily ever after. Unfortunately, legend also says that they were both killed one dark and stormy night by vampires. Or perhaps werewolves.

A day after Desurevo Ehcilc left on his quest, Bill still didn’t know what to do. His mind was better suited to research and study than to war. Keeping his own counsel wasn’t getting the job done, he considered asking the Rogue’s general Kashya for advice, but then reconsidered when he remembered that she was an idiot. He hated to do it, but he finally gave in and sought Deckard Cain’s wisdom.

“You mustn’t give up! Every moment that passes sees the Rogues getting more desperate, more in need of the power of the Horadric Phallus.” Deckard said in a phony British accent.

“MAL-LUS” Bill said, emphasizing each syllable. “It’s a hammer, got it?”

“Oh is that what you kids call it nowadays? We used to call ‘em Dil-…”

The look on Bill’s face said “Shut up old man, we have work to do” clearer than words could.

“Very well” Deckard said “What do we know about the enemy? We know that Andariel’s army is large, but spread thinly over a wide area. We know that her army is comprised mostly of ‘The Fallen ones’, Imp men, yes? We know that the imp men are more suited for terrorizing unarmed villagers than actual battle, you needn’t worry yourself too much about them. The true fighters in her army, the one out of every hundred, are the undead and the goat-men.”

Bill tried unsuccessfully to hide his laughter at hearing Deckard mention goat-men. He hadn’t thought about the circumstances of Deckard Cain’s ‘rescue’ in quite some time, but like an old injury, once it comes back it comes back as strong as ever. Upon storming Tristram, he had expected to find Deckard starving to death in a cage suspended high off the ground, instead he had found him naked as the day he was born, surrounded by a herd of equally nude goat-men. One of the goat-men noticed the intrusion and he and Bill made eye contact, Bill shouted at the beast: “Hey! I don’t like your circle, jerk!” and then drove them off with a barrage of spells. Despite being attacked by powerful magic, the goat-men actually seemed to enjoy the pun.

Now it was Deckard’s turn to give Bill a look that said “Let’s get down to business”

“Like I was saying, the only real fighters in her army are the undead and goat-men” The last word coming out barely louder than a whisper. “In your case, you needn’t concern yourself with the undead, if Andariel knows she is facing a necromancer she will have withdrawn her undead, in any event if they are on the field of battle or off they are no threat to you. That leaves only the . . . ‘others’ and we know exactly where they are!”

Bill didn’t have any idea where the goat-men were, but he wasn’t about to just come out and admit it either.

“Kashya’s scouts have reported that a force of goat-men and imps have gripped the encampment loosely. That is, they have established a siege but are keeping a good distance off. Their perimeter is three leagues from us”. Deckard swirled his index finger in a wide circle in front of his face as he said the last sentence, indicating that they were surrounded.

Bill stood quietly for a moment and then said “Have the Rogues bring the bodies of two Gargantuan beasts, I expect them by morning.” Without waiting for a reply from Cain he walked off.

Magic-users are rarer than diamonds. One out of a hundred births might yield a child with the potential to use magic, and very few of those are ever properly trained. A large city could count itself lucky (or perhaps unlucky as circumstances warrant) if a single mage lived within its walls, but that doesn’t mean that there was any shortage of charlatans. There were plenty of fools more than willing to dress up in funny gowns and cover themselves in mysterious looking tattoos if it could profit them. Wherever there was a couple that couldn’t conceive, or a man dying of an illness there was a shyster there ready to dance around like an idiot and babble nonsense and tell you it was magic. By the time you realized you were conned he (and you gold) were long-gone. The average person had no idea what the true application of magic looked like. You therefore can not blame the Rogues for not understanding that Bill was working powerful magic on the two corpses their hunters had retrieved that morning, to them it appeared that he just stood and stared at the beasts for over an hour, as if he was trying to count their fleas.

“Go get Cain, I’ve finished the spell” Bill said, surprising the Rogues both by the suddenness of his speech, and because every Rogue present would have agreed that he had yet to begin.

When Deckard Cain arrived Bill explained his plan. “Stealth!” He said pointing at the bodies. “This is how we’re going to slip past the siege, we’re going incognito baby! We’re riding inside the bodies.”

“This reminds me of an ancient Horadric initiation rite, although we used lived Gargantuan beasts of course. If memory serves correctly we’re going to need lots of pig-lard . . . turn them onto their stomachs while I have the cook fetch some.” Deckard replied after some consideration.

Bill, who had been raised listening to tales of the glorious Horadrim, was still having a hard time wrapping his mind around the notion that they were all a bunch of fruit-cakes. It was going to take some getting-used-to.

“Hold on, that won’t be necessary Deckard.” The two beasts stood up and their chest opened up like a set of double-doors. Inside was an area large enough for a man to sit in, it didn’t look that comfortable but it was dry and there was an opening in the throat that they could breath out of. It wasn’t a first-class horse and buggy ride, but it would do.

Bill’s necromancy was powerful and his control so fine that from a distance the beasts appeared perfectly normal, their movement was fairly natural and none of Bill’s internal rearranging had altered the corpse’s shape significantly. It was still a gamble though, a close inspection would’ve revealed the tell-tale signs of death (the corpse was already several hours dead before he was able to start his work, causing some irreversible defects in the finished result) the eyes had the glassy stare of death to them, and there was a slight freezing of the limbs (what our science would call Rigor Mortis) in Cain’s beast. None of that mattered though, the goat-men had no reason to challenge the Gargantuan beasts, they weren’t under the direct command of Andariel, but they were allies nonetheless. Besides their orders were to stop humans, not short tempered-quick-to-violence giants.

The Monastery was only lightly defended. All the sentries that Bill saw were imps, Andariel had apparently gambled heavily on her army keeping any threats away from her center of power. Only once did a guard approach them, timidly demanding their authorization rune to enter the castle, Bill’s Gargantuan beast picked up the screaming imp and bit off its head. Blood poured down the throat of the beast and all over him, it was mildly acidic and quite unpleasant. He would’ve preferred to soak Deckard with the nasty ichor, but he couldn’t trust the old man not to shout out in horror and give them away.

After entering the interior of the monastery, Bill concentrated for a moment and the chests of both beasts opened (he hadn’t told Cain that if he died before releasing him, he’d have been trapped inside the rotting corpse) and the two men crawled out, leaving behind the beasts like two massive discarded coats.

Steve_Kow
14-01-2005, 12:48
Neither of them knew how to be stealthy, so they strode boldly down the halls as if they owned the place. A servant or a guard might call an alarm upon seeing them sneaking around, but seeing them walk down the halls like they had every right to be there might assuage their suspicions, at least for a while. Andariel had made allies of many human bandits and thugs, and they were not an uncommon sight in the monastery.

Charsi, the Rogue’s blacksmith had hid the Mallus by the forge before the Rogue’s had abandoned the monastery; Bill had every reason to believe it was still there. In any case, it was as good a place as any to search.

The smith was a human in his mid-forties, with a pot-belly but with massively muscled arms. He looked like the type of man who eats a lot of pork. Bill threw open the doors and greeted the smith with a big smile. “Hey friend, what’s new?” He asked. “Say . . . what does that do?” he pointed his index finger toward the smith.

“Huh? Who are you?” Were the smith’s last words. At the moment ‘you’ was exiting his mouth the bone in Bill’s index finger tore though the skin, growing fifteen feet (and razor sharp) in less time than it takes to blink your eyes. It punched a hole in the smith’s heart, before retracting just as quickly as it had grown. The wound on Bill’s hand oozed blood for a moment, and then that healed as well.

“You should’ve joined the Horadrim, a guy with that talent would’ve been pretty popular.” Deckard said lecherously.

“Shut up, we need to find the Mallus and get out of here.” Said Bill.

Charsi told them she hid the Mallus in a secret compartment underneath a loose stone by the forge. It was right where she said it would be, and once you knew what you were looking for you almost couldn’t NOT see it. Bill retrieved the artifact from the compartment and was momentarily stunned by it. He couldn’t imagine the gall of the Rogues to ask him to risk his life over something as trivial as this.
.

“Told you!” Said Deckard Cain, while running around the room holding the Horadric phallus like an Olympic torch.

“I’m going to kill them all” Was all Bill could think of to say.

Üdorim
14-01-2005, 22:06
By the time you realized you were conned he (and you gold) were long-gone.

A couple of passages and whatnot seem to be there only to reiterate information from past chapters, but if you've lost them then I guess that's somewhat unavoidable. They feel rather weak, the recounting of Cain's rescue in particular, but aside from that the rest of it is good. I can't remember at this point how much of the original I read, but I'll be following your updates for sure.

edit: “I’m going to kill them all” Was all Bill could think of to say.

You need either a ! or a , and a small w. And you probably don't need the of, either.

RevenantsKnight
18-01-2005, 08:26
Well, this is certainly...different. There are some notable points where your writing is, in my opinion, particularly good, and several of the humorous points in this story were most amusing indeed. It was also a pleasure to read something with excellent grammar and spelling, though there were a few rampant mistakes. However...this piece had some moments that felt like something out of a teen comedy flick; in particular, the *** jokes got old fast. Also, I agree with Üdorim that if you can find a way to get rid of those recaps, take it. Anyway, here’re some specifics:

Necromancy is extremely powerful; some say that it is the most powerful magical discipline known to mortal men (men can master fire and ice, but none have yet to overcome death. The necromancers have come close), yet it requires finesse.

I felt the parenthetical justification was unnecessary, as I could see why someone might take the above view before I got to the clarification. Also, the way it’s presented, it breaks up the flow of the story. If you want to keep this, I’d recommend turning this into three sentences, one dealing with the part up to the parentheses, one conveying the idea of the parenthetical clause, and a third saying something like “But necromancy does require finesse...” and continuing on into the next sentence.

Bill could not retort, he knew that saving a maiden from a dragon and an evil witch was what a knight like Desurevo Ehcilc had to do...Unfortunately, legend also says that they were both killed one dark and stormy night by vampires. Or perhaps werewolves.

Heh...this is, in my opinion, one of the best humorous passages I’ve seen on the forum.

Keeping his own counsel wasn’t getting the job done, he considered asking the Rogue’s general Kashya for advice, but then reconsidered when he remembered that she was an idiot.

There should be a period or semicolon instead of the comma after “done.”

“You mustn’t give up! Every moment that passes sees the Rogues getting more desperate, more in need of the power of the Horadric Phallus.” Deckard said in a phony British accent.

Another heh. This was also a clever, if a tad twisted, revision of the game storyline.

“MAL-LUS” Bill said, emphasizing each syllable.

“Malus” has one “l,” not two.

“Very well” Deckard said

I believe you’re missing a period after this.

Upon storming Tristram, he had expected to find Deckard starving to death in a cage suspended high off the ground...

Ha! Who wouldn’t? :) Anyway, there should be an “and” after the comma following “ground.”

One of the goat-men noticed the intrusion and he and Bill made eye contact, Bill shouted at the beast: “Hey! I don’t like your circle, jerk!” and then drove them off with a barrage of spells.

The comma after “contact” should be a period or semicolon.

Now it was Deckard’s turn to give Bill a look that said “Let’s get down to business”

You’re missing a period here, which should go inside the quotes.

“Like I was saying, the only real fighters in her army are the undead and goat-men” The last word coming out barely louder than a whisper.

Again, make sure there’s a period inside the quotation marks if a quote ends a sentence. Also, “coming” should be “came.”

“In your case, you needn’t concern yourself with the undead, if Andariel knows she is facing a necromancer she will have withdrawn her undead, in any event if they are on the field of battle or off they are no threat to you.”

This block should really be three sentences, with periods/semicolons after each use of “undead.”

“Kashya’s scouts have reported that a force of goat-men and imps have gripped the encampment loosely.”

Um...why “gripped loosely”? It’s a vivid image, but it suggests that the demons are actively engaged in pressing inwards on the encampment, which is apparently not the case. Perhaps “encircled” would serve your purposes?

Bill stood quietly for a moment and then said “Have the Rogues bring the bodies of two Gargantuan beasts, I expect them by morning.” Without waiting for a reply from Cain he walked off.

You need a comma after “said,” a period or semicolon after “beasts,” and a comma after “Cain.” The whole “comma or period/semicolon” thing comes up a lot, so I’d advise you to do the following in your work: if you have two clauses that are joined by a comma, write each clause as a separate sentence and see if it works to have them as two sentences. If it does, then you have a comma splice, and you need to remedy that by replacing the comma with a period to make two sentences, or with a semicolon to make one sentence. Anyway, there are a fair number more of these, and I suggest you try to find and correct them on your own. If you need more specifics than what I’ve listed here, let me know.

By the time you realized you were conned he (and you gold) were long-gone.

I think that should be “your gold” and “long gone” isn’t hyphenated.

“Stealth!” He said pointing at the bodies.

The “he” shouldn’t be capitalized, since you have a quotation followed by a phrase attributing the quote to someone. There should also be a comma after “said.”

“This is how we’re going to slip past the siege, we’re going incognito baby! We’re riding inside the bodies.”

There’s a comma splice in the above passage. If you can’t find it and fix it, let me know and I’ll point it out.

This reminds me of an ancient Horadric initiation rite, although we used lived Gargantuan beasts of course. If memory serves correctly we’re going to need lots of pig-lard . . . turn them onto their stomachs while I have the cook fetch some.” Deckard replied after some consideration.

You could have him think of something else, right...? I mean, after this and what came before, Cain’s too predictable to be funny. All I have to do is assume he’ll be obsessed with sex, and I’m there. Also, “lived” should be “live,” and the period at the end of the quote should be a comma, since the whole passage is grammatically one sentence.

Bill, who had been raised listening to tales of the glorious Horadrim, was still having a hard time wrapping his mind around the notion that they were all a bunch of fruit-cakes.

I’d be careful with things like this; some folks might not take it too well. Believe me, you don’t have to tap dance on the line between tasteful and offensive to write good pieces.

Besides their orders were to stop humans, not short tempered-quick-to-violence giants.

There should be a comma after “besides,” and the hyphenated bit should read “not short-tempered, quick-to-violence giants.”

After entering the interior of the monastery, Bill concentrated for a moment and the chests of both beasts opened (he hadn’t told Cain that if he died before releasing him, he’d have been trapped inside the rotting corpse) and the two men crawled out, leaving behind the beasts like two massive discarded coats.

The parenthetical clause here doesn’t flow well with the rest of the sentence; I’d recommend moving it to another sentence after this one.

Charsi, the Rogue’s blacksmith had hid the Mallus by the forge before the Rogue’s had abandoned the monastery; Bill had every reason to believe it was still there.

That should be “Rogues,” since you need a plural form.

“Hey friend, what’s new?” He asked. “Say . . . what does that do?” he pointed his index finger toward the smith.

The first “he” shouldn’t be capitalized, and the second one should. This is because the first instance relates directly to what’s said, and is therefore part of the same sentence as the quotation. The second, however, does not necessarily link back to the quotation.

“Huh? Who are you?” Were the smith’s last words.

See above comments on capitalization after quotes.

At the moment ‘you’ was exiting his mouth the bone in Bill’s index finger tore though the skin, growing fifteen feet (and razor sharp) in less time than it takes to blink your eyes.

There should be a comma after “mouth.”

The wound on Bill’s hand oozed blood for a moment, and then that healed as well.

The “that” is unnecessary, since the subject remains “the wound on Bill’s hand” throughout the sentence.

“You should’ve joined the Horadrim, a guy with that talent would’ve been pretty popular.” Deckard said lecherously.

There should be a comma, not a period, after “popular.”

“Shut up, we need to find the Mallus and get out of here.” Said Bill.

See above comments on capitalization after quotes.

Charsi told them she hid the Mallus in a secret compartment underneath a loose stone by the forge.

I believe that should be “had told them” since she told them in the past relative to this moment in the story.

“Told you!” Said Deckard Cain, while running around the room holding the Horadric phallus like an Olympic torch.

See above comments on capitalization after quotes.

Overall, it’s not bad, but there are times when the humor falls flat or comes across as, in the highly subjective realm of my opinions, as somewhat tasteless. If you address this and the several common grammatical mistakes in this story, I think this would be much more enjoyable to read.

Science Cryption
07-02-2005, 09:52
I liked the story mostly becuase bill doesn't give a **** about anything, and cain talks completly out of character. Maybe in the game their all just putting on a illaborate ruse =)

The gargantuan beast thing was cool. I didn't understand the attack bill used on the smith, was in bone spear?

The story doesn't need any work in my opinion, but then again, i'm just here to read not critiqe.

proudfoot
09-02-2005, 08:29
Bravo, good work. I won't nitpick because most of it's been done in that one long post already (good work!!!) but the one thing I wanted to say was:

Very cool spells you invented for Bill to use, but I thought he was a bit of a buffoon from what I remember reading before. Where did these awesomenesses come in? Maybe I'm just remembering wrong.