StarCraft: Ghost Hunter

[Wombat-Slayer]

Hello peoples. I heard Project posted a StarCraft story, and he got some kick *** reviews! Here's what I have so far... It's a lot... so you can like just review some if you like. Please- it will help me much! :)





STARCRAFT: Ghost Hunter



CHAPTER I

“March you bastards!” The commander shouted the orders as to be heard over the sounds of war. The file of twelve marines took their places and marched in two lines towards what would probably be their deaths. Some fidgeted; others repeatedly checked and coked their guns. Athos Loosened the Kaiser machete from its sheath on his back. But he wasn’t the only veteran in line. The others veterans mainly stared forward, deep in thought about their past experiences with the Zerg.

Two hundred yards until the front lines.

Athos look around at his surroundings. He would have to note all the good hiding areas. When the marines retreated, he’d hide. Something all veterans learnt- you can’t “run” from the Zerg. The crevice to the right looked large enough. He threw a spare clip into the cave for later use.

“What’s that?” A voice asked from behind. Athos turned around to look at the marine that had asked him. As he thought- a new recruit. Always inquisitive.

“What’s what?” He said back.

“The knife on you back? What do you carry that?” The marine asked. Athos sighed.

“To kill things kid, that’s what you do in war.” Athos said back sarcastically. The marine seemed to give up and became silent.

One hundred yards inclosing.

Now it was time for Athos to check his gun. Everything seemed in order, the trigger was loose, the handle properly wrapped with grip tape. He tapped the long spear head mounted as a bayonet under the barrel. It was still firm in place. Amazing stuff that duct tape.

The familiar roar of Gauss Rifle was growing steadily in volume. He could hear the animalistic sounds of the Zerg. The marines were scared, and he couldn’t help but releasing a slight shiver. With the Zerg, it wasn’t war, it was survival.

Ten yards.

Athos could almost make out the snake like forms of the hydralisks in the foreground; evidence of their carnage could be seen through the mangled bodies of marines bristling with poison barbs protruding from all parts of their combat suits. This was going to be a short fight.

A stray spike hit a marine in the face. The poor man fell backwards as blood came from his helmet grasping the spike that had penetrated his face. Two other marines knelt down beside him.

“Don’t worry about him boys… just watch out for yourself; you’ll live longer by leaving the dead be.” The commander told the two marines that had kneeled down at the side of the stricken marine.

“But sir, he’s not dead!” One of the marines told the commander looking up from his screaming comrade. The man had let go of the spike and was waving his arms wildly by this point.

“Not yet private, give the poison time to reach the brain. Then he’ll die.” The commander said grimly. Ironically the waving arms ceased almost as the commander had finished his sentence. The two marines were pale. “Get back in line scum!” The commander shouted at the two. The two marines resumed their spots in line and the march towards the lines continued.

Two yards.

They had reached it with only one casualty- a stroke of luck. Usually a group of marines coming to the lines were all completely dead before even reaching the lines.

“Alright, let’s kick some ***!” The commander yelled. The marines all jumped down to lay behind the bloodstained sand bags. Athos dived down with them, pointed his rifle forward, and pulled the trigger. A satisfying spurt of bullets burst forth form the barrel, and the familiar feeling of the gun kicking almost made him smile. The three shots hit their marks with stunning accuracy at a creature ten yards away; one hydralisk breathed no more. The trigger clicked again and a zergling was put to rest. A spike whizzed past him just missing his left arm.

The Zerg were almost upon them. He looked up into the sky and saw what he was looking for. Overlords. He searched the slow moving beast over with his eyes looking for its weakest spot. He saw it. A very small but vitally important part of the creatures under belly that held its massive heart.

Athos pulled the trigger three times. Most of his shots missed, but two hit home and the creature let loose a cry of pain as it plummeted to the ground. Athos smiled. He still had it in him.

He turned his eyes down as a zergling came bounding over the sand bag wall. Athos's makeshift bayonet pierced the creature’s thick hide. Black blood sprayed onto his clear plastic face mask. He wrenched free his gun from the dying creature, kissed his bayonet, and set the rifle on the ground. The Zerg had arrived. Then, wiping his face mask free of grime, he pulled his Kaiser machete from its sheath. Another zergling came screeching at Athos. The blade flew with swift and terrible accuracy, separating the creature’s head from its body. Another swift downward blow cleaved the skull of another zergling.

By this time, most of his company was either wounded, or dead. The commanders were shouting retreats, and soon he heard his own commander’s voice over his head set.

“Retreat now marines; get the hell out of there before you’re eaten!” He heard the commander’s voice shout. Athos sheathed his soiled blade and gathered his gun from the bloodstained ground. He started to run backwards remembering and noting all the large rocks he could trip on. He pulled the trigger as fast as he could at the advancing Zerg. Many of the Zerg had stayed behind to devour the dead or wounded marines before the drones came to harvest them.

A hydralisk was closing in on Athos, its sadistic face twisted with hate and eagerness for the kill. Athos pulled the trigger, but his gun was out of ammunition. He ripped out the empty clip and threw it on the ground. He was almost there, if he could just keep the hydralisk from catching up to him. Just a few more steps… Athos pulled back into a cave and jammed the left behind clip into his gun. The hydralisk had seen him “disappear” and was intent on entering the small quarters. The Gauss Rife came alive as six bullets struck the hapless creature in his chest. More blood on his suit.

Athos waited behind the stinking carcass of the hydralisk for the first advance of Zerg to pass by his secret hiding place. He had to move quick before the second “clean up crew” came behind him. He pushed the body aside, and sprinted out of the cave. He had to signal a drop ship. If only his communicator worked. He started to climb the rock formation. He wanted to give up, to die, but his aching body forced him on. He got to the top of the cliff, safety seemed moments away. He waved his arms wildly.

A drop ship saw him, and flew down to pick him up. He climbed up the little makeshift ladder that had been thrown down and with the last of his strength, threw himself into the drop ship.

“Where’s the rest of your company soldier?” He heard a voice ask him. Athos placed himself in the round metal chair and held tight to the support pole. He breathed heavily and after wiping his Kaiser machete clean of blood, fell asleep in his chair.

He had survived the Zerg again.




AUTHORS NOTE: I do realize that yes; I did steal from Chimp a bit with the whole bayonet thing. Hell, I thought it was a good idea. And also, yes, it is a bit unrealistic that he brought down an Overlord, but Athos is an unrealistic character. Yes, I know, the title doesn't make any sense now... it will :)



CHAPTER II

“Gentlemen, we are all gathered here today for a common cause. To mourn for the dead.” Commander Potter’s voice rang out in the auditorium. “The Zerg have taken lives, destroyed buildings, and crushed our defenses, but regardless, we are still here!” The commander said with a shout emphasizing the “we are still here”. Athos sighed and rolled his eyes. Standing against a wall in the back, he had been listening the whole time.

At the commander’s words the whole audience shouted for joy at the top of their lungs. Athos stayed silent. He was troubled about his new commander. To put it plainly, the man was a jerk. More like a spoiled prince than a leader. The Omega Squad had really pulled a horrible replacement out of their asses this time; a man that represented the Confederacy well.

Potter’s voice droned on in the distance and slowly faded from Athos’s mind as he thought about what had happened three days ago. He subconsciously reached down and touched his left leg and winced. It was still infected- obviously hydralisk poison didn’t easily succumb to the heavy medication he was on. If Athos had noticed when it struck, and drew back from the lines, he may have been able to prevent the infection.

To make things better, he was put on lay away for a year. No more serving for a year. They thought they were doing a favor, Athos saw it as torture. He couldn’t do much of anything besides shoot and slice.

His mind droned off in this manner until he heard something from Potter that sparked his interest.

[Wombat-Slayer]

“And now Mr. Athos Lespinchi, will you please be kind enough to attend the stand?”

The words hit him like a brick in the face. He was dumbfounded. Obviously Potter was sucking up to his only survivor his original promised battalion. Commander Shorts had seen to it to squander them on the Zerg three days ago.

All eyes were leveled on Athos. He managed a weak smile and hobbled down the aisle to the front podium. He could only hope his mouth didn’t betray him this time.

“What the hell is this?” He whispered into Potter’s ear.

“Just say something about the battle- how courageous you were. Anything to promote the squadron!” Potter hissed in his ear.

Athos adjusted his tie and stepped forward to the microphone.

“Hello everyone. I suppose you were looking for news of the battle? Maybe how bravely your marines fought?” Athos said into the microphone. His voice echoed awkwardly from the sound system. The crowd waited in silent anticipation; Potter bit his lip in anxiety.

“Your marines did fight their best. They died for you. That is all.” Athos stepped away from the microphone and started to walk away when a voice from the crowd stopped him.

“Mr. Lespinchi, could you tell us about the Zerg?” A woman’s voice said clear over the murmur of the crowd. Athos stopped walking. He stood a moment, then turned around and walked towards the stand again.

“I don’t think you want to know Miss… Miss…”

“Allen, Elizabeth Allen, reporter for the Sander’s Gazette.” The woman replied. Athos looked closely at her. She had a fair complexion, a naturally black hair, and somewhat petite form.

But despite her beauty, Athos frowned. He continued his sentence. “I don’t think you want to know about the Zerg Misses Allen.” He said softly into the microphone. Athos turned around and didn’t face the stand again, nor did he take heed of Potter’s brilliant red face. He had enough of his “publicity”. He was tired of answering ignorant questions. But most of all, he needed sleep.

----

Athos’s eyes slowly peeped open. Light flooded into his dilated pupils as he tried to adjust to the light. Someone had woken him.

“Who’s there?” He said rubbing his eyes.

“A Miss Allen to see you in the lobby sir. She asked that I wake you.” The hotel manager said as he closed the door. Athos heaved a great sigh. Some people wanted answers more than others. He hobbled down the stairs and tried to look as resumed as possible. This would be a tough reporter to crack- he could tell already.

She was sitting at a small round table at the back of the lobby. He walked over causally. She had her head down looking through her purse, probably for a note pad Athos assumed. He cleared his throat. The searching stopped and two blue eyes peered up at him. She tipped her hat to show the rest of her face.

“Mr. Lespinchi, so good of you to see me.” She said warmly. Fake warmth. She was a reporter after all.

“What do you want? I told you I’m not telling about the battle. Why don’t you join the damn marine core yourself if your so curious-" her finger silenced him.

“Do you still think this is about that stupid reporter crap?” She said fiercely in a low voice.

“Well, I did, right until you shushed my like that.” He said.

“I’m here on important business Mr. Lespinchi-” Athos cut her short.

“Athos; that’s my name so use it.” He scoffed.

“Right then, Athos. I’m here for an important errand if you don’t mind listening, I’d be thankful.” She said urgently. Athos peered down into left coat pocket and saw a badge. On it was inscribed PDA, Planetary Defense Agency.

“Oh, I see. You’re from the PDA.” Athos said. She held her finger to her mouth again and gave a violent shush. Some spit hit Athos’s face.

“Do you want to give me away?” She scolded.

“Are you hiding from someone?” Athos asked. Miss Allen stayed silent.

“You wouldn’t mind going somewhere so we could talk privately; do you?” She asked.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: It's a bit short, but it'll do. I'm already developing the plot for you people who hate slow stories.
:)



CHAPTER III

“What the hell is this about Miss Allen?”

“Elizabeth, if you please.” The black haired woman replied.

“Right, Liz then; why the secrecy?” He asked as he tried to hobble pace with her quick walking. They had been walking briskly down the street for some time, and all Athos could see was that they were on their way to the poor side of town.

“I prefer you not to speak of that now.” She replied not looking back. Athos sighed. This was getting stranger and stranger. Beautiful undercover reporters didn’t chance along his path every day. Usually he’d call it off as a prank or situation he didn’t want to be involved in, but something had sparked his interest. Maybe the fact that he was being removed from the Alpha Squadron had sparked his interest in military work. Or at least almost military. The PDA was a political power as well in the confederacy.

They went along in this manner for some time; Elizabeth in silence and Athos without answer to his questions.

Finally they seemed to be going somewhere; into the alleys?

“What the hell is going on?” Athos asked as they came to a stop at a dead end.

“Shut-up and wait.” She replied impatiently. Her careful eyes searched every brick until they rested upon a cracked brick slightly different from the rest. “Ok I’m here.” She said aloud to what Athos seemed to her self. Both people waited a bit in silence until it was broke when Elizabeth touched the brick.

Athos’s eyes lit up as the whole wall came alive with light. The bricks split open and Athos silently followed Elizabeth into the strange entrance. The brick doors slid shut behind Athos and Elizabeth and a light filled the elevator. It slowly crept down into the planet’s surface and landed with a thud at their destination.

“Just stay quiet and follow me. I’ve probably done too much already…” She said behind her back to Athos. He followed, still completely bewildered. He thought these things only happened in old Earth movies.

A long walk down a dark hall brought Miss Allen and Athos to a single wooden door. She knocked politely twice and slowly cracked the door open. The hinges squeaked as the old wooden door swung inward.

“Ah, Elizabeth, you’re late. That’s unusual for you.” Athos heard what sounded like an elderly voice say from the other side of the cracked door.

“Is it ok, for him to come in?” Elizabeth asked.

“Yes, by all means, let him in. I want to have words with him.” The same voice said again.

Elizabeth stepped aside and motioned for Athos to enter. He almost timidly opened the door. This was defiantly getting stranger by the minute. Athos walked cautiously into the room. It was dimly lit by a small lamp on a table in the corner of the room. The room was mainly bare except for a few file cabinets and a small wooden desk that read “Mosko” on the front.

“So this is the hero?” The old man presumably named “Mosko” said behind the desk half to himself half to Athos.

“Sir… please… if I may ask; where the hell am I?!” Athos asked completely bewildered for what seemed like the first time in a long time.

“You are in one of the head quarters of the PDA. I have brought you here to ask you something important.” He nodded to Elizabeth who closed the door. Athos heard her footsteps walk out of earshot.

“What kind of job is this?” Athos asked leaning over the table.

“Job... job? Whoever said anything about just a job?” The old man said chuckling to himself. “We’ve been watching you Mr. Lespinchi, and we are very impressed.” The man told him with a smile. Athos stayed quiet waiting for an explanation.

“As you know the PDA handles the defense of many planets from foreign invaders, but as you may also know, we hold a political power as well. We need to find out more about the Zerg. Some people wish to stop us. We need your help.” Mr. Mosko said quite bluntly.

“What can I do?” Athos asked. Mosko chuckled again to himself. Athos almost smiled. He almost liked the old man though he had just recently laid eyes upon him. He reminded him of something a long time ago…

“You can do much for us Mr. Lespinchi, very much.” Mosko answered. Athos waited again for an explanation. Though a relatively patient man, the suspense was killing him. “We have much interest in your potential of becoming a… ghost.” The last word hung in the air like a thick fog. Athos frowned. He’d heard of these “ghosts”. Master assassins and military agents those ghosts. He’d never cut it for one of them. Besides, you’d have to be born with Psychic powers…

“I know, I know. You’re not psychic. How could you be a ghost?”

More silence.

“We have developed “ways” to help you Mr. Lespinchi- that is if you’re willing.” Mosko said. Athos thought about it. It seemed like it might actually be fun to be a ghost. He’d never considered military espionage as a career.

“Ok, I’ll do it.” The words escaped his mouth before he could stop them.

“Good, good. Just follow me.” Mosko said getting up. Athos noted the left mechanical leg.

“Any paperwork?” Athos asked.

“No, no paper work. I hate paper work.” Mosko said chuckling again to himself. Athos began to think he just might like his new boss.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Yes, I know. A bit hasty. It has meaning. Trust me. It helps develop Mosko’s character especially.

[Wombat-Slayer]

CHAPTER IV

Athos peered through the glass wall into the “Lab” as the people at PDA called. It wasn’t at all like the movies. Every wall possessed some kind of rust. Most scientists wore overalls and cheap plastic glasses. They slowly made their way down the twisting underground hall ways. At the end there was a door that read “Torsi”. Elizabeth tore the sign from the wall and opened the door.

“This is where you will stay, sleep, and do your “paper work”. It’s simple and heated. But cover up, it gets cold under here.” Mosko told him. He flipped on the switch as he said this to reveal a dusty wood floored room. Wood; a rarity almost completely unavailable. He stepped in.

“What about my things?” He asked.

“They are being taken here now from your original home now.” Mosko answered. Athos chuckled to himself as he realized the rumors about the PDA were probably true; they did know everything about you.

“Who was Torsa?” Athos asked.

“Our last agent. He was devoured by zerglings. Poor man. That must’ve been humiliating- and painful.” Mosko answered showing no hint of sorrow in his voice. Athos had seen zerglings in action. He didn’t need to be told twice what they could do in large numbers; he’d seen it first hand.

“You’ll eventually be provided with things you’ll need; computer, weaponry, licenses, and any other mission specifics you’ll need.” Mosko said as he left the room. Elizabeth smiled to him.

“Welcome home.” She said as she left the room.

“Home.” Athos said to himself. He hadn’t had a real home in a long time, and wasn’t about to get used to this one. If he needed to bail out, he would. He sighed and sat down on the bed lost in thought.

----

Athos twisted and turned in his new bed. Images of the recent battles floated around in his mind haunting him like ghosts. He saw every thing he had seen the days before. All the deaths. All the suffering. It was like reliving it every night.

Eventually Athos grew to hate sleep, and only lightly rested for short amounts of time. He had seen enough in life for two veterans.

As he laid awake face up with his hands behind his head, he thought about why he had taken the job. He had just destroyed whatever social life he had (though a marine’s social life wasn’t much), and deserted his small little home. Apparently money would be of little use to him except for extra things in life. He looked over at the little pistol and machete he had placed on his night stand; the only weapons he usually carried around. He smiled remembering vividly many of his great kills; the ultralisk in particular. The massive beats would’ve cut him in half if it weren’t for a well placed bullet. The Kaiser machete he now looked at was the only claim to his fame; which was more than enough for most people.

But the night was late, and he had to get a few minutes of rest. He had a lot to learn about the PDA in the days to come.

----

’Beep, beep, beep, beep!’ Athos’s alarm clock shook him awake with a start. His fist came down and slammed the ‘off’ button with a startling thud. His first day in the PDA. He got up, yawned, and slipped off his night clothing. He noticed a brace of pistols that had not been there the night before. This was going to be a good job.

“Athos, get up! You can’t sleep in your first day of work!” He heard Elizabeth’s voice crack of the intercom. Athos turned to the box on the wall and pushed the ‘off’ button. This was definitely going to be a good job.

He set the brace of pistols in the holsters across his chest and sealed it with his black jacket. He picked up his wallet and walked out the room down the rusty halls of the PDA. He wondered at how so many people could be awake at this early an hour. They all smiled cheerfully to him as he walked drudgingly down the halls towards Mosko’s office.

When he arrived, he opened the door catching his boss on the computer.

”Ah, so Sleeping Beauty finally awakes?” Mosko’s voice boomed out from behind his desk. “Did you notice the pistols?” Mosko added. Athos nodded and pulled open his jacket to reveal the handle of his left pistol. “Ah, good man, you seem to already be what we need. Come, come; sit down.” Mosko said with a chuckle gesturing to the chair in front of his desk.

“As you may have guessed, you’re not going straight to work today. Just a small test to prove your abilities. It may be a little… trying, but it’ll tell us what we need.” Mosko said with a grin.

“So what do I have to do?” Athos asked wanting to get past idol talk. He was almost ready for something to happen. Anxious in a way. Something he didn’t commonly feel.

“Good lad, always ready to start work. I like that.” Mosko said. Athos sighed. “I just need you to get something for me… a man is coming soon to give us a small payment, a favor he owes us. The problem is, is that some gamblers already know that he is bringing the money he owes them to us. They will probably try to mug or kill him on the way here.”

“How long do I have?” Athos asked without expression.

“He’ll down the first ally within a few minutes I suppose. You might want to… take… the elevator…” Mosko trailed off as Athos got up and left immediately for the elevator.

Mosko smiled to himself. He may have found a good one this time.

----

Athos walked briskly down the hallways of the PDA. A few people here and there waved or nodded to him, but no one in particular. He almost mechanically found his way from memory to the elevator with only one wrong turn that ended up as a shortcut. He stepped in, and pressed what seemed like the top floor- ground level. The elevator creaked and slowly ascended up the shaft to the surface.

It reached the top with a familiar thud. He slowly came out of the elevator loosening his pistols in their holsters. To his shocked relief no one was there. This was going to be strange going from marine to assassin. If this was assassination. He could only hope he wouldn’t die for a stupid test.

As he thought about it, he wondered why he even accepted the job. Ghost. The word tasted fresh and somewhat new to his mind. All he knew is that they were the confederacy’s spies. He had heard rumors… but nothing serious enough to believe.

His thoughts were soon brought to a halt as a solitary man came walking- almost limping cautiously around the corner of the alley holding a box forty feet away. He noted Athos and seemed to muster up the courage to walk forward. What was taking him so long? As far as Athos could see, there wasn’t any danger at all.

The man slowly inched his way forward, tripped, and fell face first onto the concrete. Athos rushed forward to help him but stopped short, his face grave. Sticking out from the back of the fallen man was the handle of a knife buried blade deep into his spine. Both pistols flew from their holsters, ready to fire as Athos’s keen eyes searched the roof tops of the alley homes. He saw no sign of the murderers… yet. Athos picked up the box and threw it into the elevator. He’d be back to bring it downstairs soon enough.

A shot rang out clear in the winter air. The bullet whizzed past Athos missing him by an inch. He ducked slightly and ran to the nearest dumpster. Hearing no more shots, he slowly eased up his head and peered over his cover.

Three of them; one had a gun; the others had assorted knives and clubs. This was going to be fun- great fun. Athos looked to his left and noted the other dumpster. He’d have to suppress them and get them hiding from him before he could move to the next cover.

He rolled away from his cover and shot both pistols into the group of three who immediately ran for the nearest cover; a broken down hovercraft. Two were behind the old hovercraft, the other behind an open door. He smiled. It was different fighting people; the Zerg never hide. He ran behind the adjacent dumpster to his original hiding spot, threw the pistols on the roof, and climbed up. The gunman was firing at his last hiding place hoping to get lucky.

From the moans of pain, Athos guessed he had hit one, though not fatally. He slowly crawled along the roof with a pistol in either hand. The criminals were beginning to think Athos had left. Anytime now, they would realize that he wasn’t there and would find the only place left he could hide. Athos was running out of time.

Finally, from atop the roof, Athos got to the edge of the alley. He could just see behind the car where one of the men wielding a club was. He was beginning to ease out of his cover to get a look. Athos held his right hand still and aimed. Everything he had been taught seemed to prove useful, for when he pulled the trigger, the knife wielding enemy fell dead with a bullet through his skull.

. The gunman next to him let loose a fly of bullets that bounced harmlessly against the metal roofing Athos was taking cover behind. By this time, the last man, besides the gunman, with a club was running away in fear of being shot. The gunman tried frantically to reload with his injured arm (the earlier injured person), Athos climbed down half the stairs and jumped down the rest of the way. He slowly approached the gunman, beaming with pride. It looked like he was going to pass his test after all…

‘Wham!

The club came crashing down onto his left shoulder bringing him to his knees. It seemed the clubman hadn’t run away after all. Athos threw both pistols to the ground and pulled his machete from its sheath. He could hear the man behind him preparing for another blow, hear the click of the pistol as it prepared to fire, and see the bullet inside the barrel aimed at his face.

Athos held his breath.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: I love cliff hangers; don’t you? A bit rushed… I know. And yes, it doesn’t have much to do with SC… yet…

[Wombat-Slayer]

CHAPTER V

As he moved his head to the side, Athos could hear the sound of the bullet sliding out of the metal barrel, hear the sound of bullet meeting flesh, feel the spray of blood hit the back of his head, and hear the sounds of the dieing man behind him.

Perfect. He had done it. The Kaiser Machete bit deep into the bewildered gunman’s chest; the familiar spray of blood hit his face. He thought he was yelling, or maybe it was the dieing men around him. He wasn’t sure. He got up off his knees and walked into the elevator and picking up the package, left the dead to lay there.

Athos walked out of the elevator a bloody mess. Elizabeth came running up to him and put her hand to her mouth when she saw the blood.

“Do you need medical assistance?” She asked half concerned half professional.

“It’s not my blood.” Athos answered as he walked past her. He had a few words to share with Mosko. He came to the door and opened it. “What the hell was that?!” Athos yelled at the bewildered man.

“What was what?” Mosko asked innocently recovering from his momentary shock.

“You put me up against three men?!” Athos asked enraged. Mosko said nothing for a moment. Then he answered as he folded his hands together.

“You’ll be doing much more than that Mr. Smith.” He answered.

“Lespinchi.” Athos retorted; confused.

“Not anymore. You’re part of the PDA now Mr. Smith.” Mosko answered with a smile.

Athos couldn’t help feeling better about him self. Now that he thought about it, he’d done damn well against three men. Maybe he’d do pretty well as a Ghost.

“You’ll be doing something a bit different from a Ghost though Mr. Smith.” Mosko answered looking down at his paper work. Athos bit his lip. ****. The catch.

“You’ll be enrolled as what we call a “Ghost Hunter”.” Mosko answered.

“Ghost Hunter?” Athos asked bewildered.

“The Confederacy has their Ghosts… we don’t want them too… interfere with our rebellion.” Mosko answered.

Oh crap. How could he be so stupid? He’d just joined the Sons of Korhal. He’d be labeled as a traitor.

“You died today Mr. Lespinchi. You were almost completely forgotten, but your name is still in the obituaries.” Mosko said handing Athos a small monitor labeled “news”.

Athos couldn’t believe his name was in the obituaries- he hadn’t died.

“There’s some mistake. I can’t be-“

“Dead? Well not really, just dead to society in a since. You can’t be around anymore Mr. Lespinchi. Or should I say Smith?” Mosko answered gravely.

“Is that the price?” Athos asked. He wasn’t sure what was going to happen. The PDA had already seen to it he’d “died”, but maybe he could undo it…

“Don’t think about bowing out now Mr. Smith. You’ll grow to like it here. Everyone has.” He answered as he got back to his paper work. “Now, I have work to do. I’ll see you at eight in the morning sharp for information on the upcoming surgery.” Mosko answered waving Athos from his office.

Athos left the office a bewildered and confused man. Surgery? What was that old fool talking about?

----

Athos lay awake at night as his exhausted mind attempted to process all that had happened that day.

Surgery. Tomorrow. Damn.

He couldn’t believe it. When he had agreed to take the job, he hadn’t actually thought they’d implant ghost powers into his mind!

At least he was beginning to like his job. It had only been a week since joining the PDA, and he was already making friends among the workers. Especially Elizabeth- she’d become somewhat of a mentor for him, teaching PDA survival to him. Their small personality conflicts were diminishing over the days; though Athos found it strange he actually missed it.

He found himself thinking of her more and more often as strange as it seemed. She was attractive, there was no denying that. But dating? No. Athos didn’t “date”. Though he enjoyed his women, the idea of commitment put off the ‘ole “Red Flag” every time. Maybe that’s why he liked Mosko’s hefty dislike for paperwork. His life was finally looking up; he seemed almost happy…

As all the thoughts of the past week swam in his head, he slowly drifted off into silent slumber. The most satisfying sleep he’d had in a long time; dreamless.

----

”Drink Mr. Lespinchi, you must keep hydrated.” He heard the doctor say.

“What the hell am I?” Athos asked completely dazed.

“I think you mean “where the hell are you?” Mr. Lespinchi. Now drink up.” The doctor said again thrusting a small glass of water into Athos’s weak hands. He opened his heavy eyelids and saw water. The liquid was downed at a surprising rate, and more was soon poured into the glass.

“I feel horrible” Athos mumbled.

“That’s because you just had surgery. You should be almost completely helpless for a few hours.” The doctor answered. “The swelling in the back of your head will go down soon.” He added.

“Swelling? God, I’m really ****ed up aren’t I?” Athos asked sitting up. He winced with pain and fell back down.

“No, no, no, you shouldn’t be moving for quite some time Mr. Lespinchi. Getting physic powers has its costs.” The doctor said sticking the syringe in Athos’s arm. Athos felt a light feeling as he slowly drifted off into cloudy sleep.

----

“Athos, wake up.” He heard a female voice echo in his dream. He slowly opened his eyes to find himself staring into the face of Elizabeth Allen.

“What the he-?”

“How are you doing?” she asked him.

“I’m doing ok…” he answered. She slipped a glass of water in his hand which he gulped down greedily.

“Do you feel any different?” She asked concerned.

“Well… not really. Should I? What did it do anyways?” He asked. She laughed.

“You mean you don’t even know what they did to you?” She asked.

“Well… no.” He answered laughing a little. But he had to stop because his head hurt. “Man I feel like ****.”

“They implanted something in your brain… you should have psychic abilities now.” She answered. Athos rubbed his head again and gulped down the rest of his water.

“More.” He gasped. She started to turn around to get the pitcher when the pitcher floated down in front of Athos and poured its contents into his cup. Athos stared wide eyed in amazement as he maneuvered the pitcher around with his mind. This was so weird!

“Well, you seem to be doing fine now.” Elizabeth said with a smile. She started out of the room and added, “By the way, the boss wants to see you as soon as you’re dressed.”

Athos was barely listening while he attempted to land the pitcher on the night stand.

This whole psychic powers thing was going to be fun.

AUTHOR’S NTOE: The story jumps a lot, and moves far in one chapter, but it’ll slow down soon…

[RevenantsKnight]

Well, it’s good to see some more Starcraft around; even though this is nominally a Diablo forum, I don’t mind reading a variety of stories. This story in particular looks like it’s headed somewhere interesting. However, there are a number of spelling and grammatical errors in this piece, which does interfere significantly with my ability to really read this through smoothly. Also, the story in general feels a little rushed; while you did say this was more for folks who want a faster story, I think that maybe you’re moving too quickly for this to be as vivid and engaging as it could be. Throughout the tale, you’re describing the essential actions and some elements of the protagonists, but there’s very little on the setting, on other characters, on the details that can bring a world to life in a reader’s mind.

A side note: in the future, please don’t post your entire story in one day, because I’m sure the length scares off some prospective commenters. Anyway, here’re some specific thoughts on Chapter 1; more will follow provided there aren’t a lot of new posts.

“March you bastards!”

There should be a comma after “march.”

Some fidgeted; others repeatedly checked and coked their guns.

I think you meant “cocked.”

Athos Loosened the Kaiser machete from its sheath on his back.

“Loosened” shouldn’t be capitalized here. Also, your use of “Kaiser” to describe Athos’s weapon is a little confusing since Ultralisks use “Kaiser blades”; it made me think that his sword was made from an Ultralisk’s claw. If that’s the case, you should probably describe it in greater detail, since it’s something unique to the character. If it isn’t, I’d change it.

The others veterans mainly stared forward, deep in thought about their past experiences with the Zerg.

That should be “other veterans.” Also, if you really want to set these soldiers apart, you could add a few sentences on any other subtle differences they might exhibit.

Athos look around at his surroundings.

That should be “looked.”

Something all veterans learnt- you can’t “run” from the Zerg.

The way this is worded, it sounds like soldiers become veterans before learning that “you can’t run from the Zerg.” Maybe that’s what you wanted to say, but to me, it seems more logical that a soldier would learn this and survive a fight or two, and then be considered a “veteran.” For this reason, I’d revise this to read “...all veterans knew...”

The crevice to the right looked large enough. He threw a spare clip into the cave for later use.

Since this becomes important later, you might want to describe it in a little more detail, just so it’s obvious that when Athos steps into “a cave,” there’s some ammo waiting for him.

“What’s that?” A voice asked from behind.

If you have a quote with a question mark or exclamation point and the next thing you’re writing about is who said it, the next word ("a" in this case) isn't capitalized unless it's a proper noun. I’d advise checking your entire story for instances of this, since it comes up too much for me to note each occurrence.

Athos turned around to look at the marine that had asked him.

This sentence is a bit awkward; “...marine that had asked...” should be “... marine who...” since “the marine” is a person. Also, “had asked him” alone begs the question, “What did he ask Athos?” Yes, it’s clear in context, but because the sentence itself doesn’t address this, it sounds off to me. I’d revise it to read “...to look at the speaker” or something in that vein.

“The knife on you back? What do you carry that?”

The first “you” should be “your,” unless you’re trying to convey the idea that this particular soldier has issues with grammar. Also, the first sentence doesn’t need a question mark, and “what” should be “why.”

“What’s what?” He said back.

“To kill things kid, that’s what you do in war.” Athos said back sarcastically. The marine seemed to give up and became silent.

Your repeated use of “said back” feels uncreative to me, especially since there are other ways you could get this across. I’d see if you can’t find a replacement for one of these uses. Additionally, there should be a comma after “things,” and the comma there is insufficient, as it connects two complete clauses; changing it to a period or a semicolon would remedy this problem.

One hundred yards inclosing.

...Did you mean “and closing” there? “To inclose” (also spelled “to enclose”) means “to surround, to shut in all around,” which makes no sense here.

Now it was time for Athos to check his gun.

“Now it was time” is an overly familiar construction for the narration, in my opinion. I’d change this to something like “Athos looked down at his gun, checking it one last time before battle” unless you’re trying to hint that the narrator is closely involved with the events described.

Everything seemed in order, the trigger was loose, the handle properly wrapped with grip tape.

The comma after “order” should be a semicolon or a period.

Amazing stuff that duct tape.

There should be a comma after “stuff.” Also, I assume that Athos is thinking this, instead of the narrator saying it. If that’s the case, you may want to distinguish between these two voices by italicizing Athos’s thoughts, or adding “he thought” on the end of the sentence. Otherwise, the two start to mix in the reader’s mind, which can get confusing.

The familiar roar of Gauss Rifle was growing steadily in volume.

I’d use the plural of “Gauss rifle” here, since I assume there’s more than one marine shooting at the Zerg, and write this as “...grew steadily in volume as he approached” to eliminate that use of the passive voice. While I personally don’t demand the use of the active voice 24/7, there are a lot of folks who will get on your case for this; I’ve even seen a set of “Seven Deadly Sins of Writing” where the passive voice is Sin #1.

He could hear the animalistic sounds of the Zerg.

I’d describe this in greater detail; this gets the idea across, but is too general to really immerse the reader in the scene, because there are a lot of things that sound animalistic.

The marines were scared, and he couldn’t help but releasing a slight shiver.

“...but releasing a slight shiver” is grammatically incorrect and wordy. I’d trim this down to “...couldn’t help shivering in (fear, etc.)”

With the Zerg, it wasn’t war, it was survival.

This is an attention-grabbing and worthwhile statement, but there isn’t enough support here for it to really work. The parts before this don’t indicate that this is a fight for survival in the grander scheme of things; while it may be true on the battlefield that the Zerg don’t take prisoners, this implies that not fighting the Zerg would result in the annihilation of humanity, and I didn’t see anything on this larger idea. After all, if someone who hasn’t played Starcraft reads this, he or she might assume that the humans are invading the Zerg lands, and therefore this statement is unjustified. Without a link, this feels out of place, almost as if you tacked it on the end of the paragraph.

The poor man fell backwards as blood came from his helmet grasping the spike that had penetrated his face.

This is a good image, and really paints a picture in my mind; this is what I mean by a detail that can bring the story to life. However, the verb “came” is too general here; if you want to make the image a little more visceral, I’d use “gushed” or “spewed” or another verb with evocative connotations. Finally, there should be a comma after “helmet.”

“Don’t worry about him boys… just watch out for yourself; you’ll live longer by leaving the dead be.” The commander told the two marines that had kneeled down at the side of the stricken marine.

There should be a comma after “him,” and “yourself” should be “yourselves,” since he’s addressing two soldiers. Also, since the marines are people, not objects, “that” should be “who.”

“But sir, he’s not dead!” One of the marines told the commander looking up from his screaming comrade.

There should be a comma after “commander”; as it is, it reads as though the commander’s looking up from the downed soldier. Some general advice: read over your sentences when you write them and note where you pause mentally. Those places often need commas. Again, I advise you to look over your story and see if you can catch these places. If you can’t, let me know and I’ll highlight some more examples.

The two marines were pale. “Get back in line scum!” The commander shouted at the two. The two marines resumed their spots in line and the march towards the lines continued.

There’s some serial repetition here; over three sentences, “two” and “line” get used three times, “marines” twice. Also, the first sentence sports a use of the passive voice; my edited version of this passage would read something like “The soldiers paled in horrified surprise. “Get back in line, scum!” the commander shouted at the two. As if still stunned, they staggered to their places and the march forward continued.” Feel free to use this as a base and tinker with it, or come up with your own.

More comments in the next post; this went over the length limit.

[RevenantsKnight]

Here are the rest of my comments on Chapter 1:

They had reached it with only one casualty- a stroke of luck.

“Had reached” should be simply “reached,” since this action chronologically follows the previous sentence. Also, “it” isn’t clear here; I’d just say “the battle” or something like that instead.

Usually a group of marines coming to the lines were all completely dead before even reaching the lines.

“All completely dead” sounds unnecessarily wordy to me; either they’re dead or they’re alive. Also, I’d try to remove one of the uses of “lines,” as the repetition sounds awkward to me.

The marines all jumped down to lay behind the bloodstained sand bags.

“To lay behind” should be “to lie behind,” and “sandbags” is usually one word.

A satisfying spurt of bullets burst forth form the barrel, and the familiar feeling of the gun kicking almost made him smile.

I think you mean “from,” not “form.” Nice description at the end, by the way.

The three shots hit their marks with stunning accuracy at a creature ten yards away; one hydralisk breathed no more.

This sentence doesn’t read smoothly, though I get what you’re trying to say; I’d edit it to “The three shots hit their mark, a creature ten yards away, with stunning accuracy...”

The trigger clicked again and a zergling was put to rest.

“Was put to rest” is in the passive voice; change this if you so desire. Also, the descriptions here and in the previous sentence of Zerg dying are somewhat dismissive; if you wanted to convey the idea that killing these creatures is hardly worth noting, then this works, but because of this it doesn’t stay with the reader.

He looked up into the sky and saw what he was looking for. Overlords.

Why was he looking for an Overlord? It’s implied here that they’re important targets for one reason or another, but since you don’t explain why, I felt a little out of the loop. Keeping the reader from being comfortable with the story’s a valid tactic, depending on what you’re writing and the message you want to convey, but I don’t think that’s what you’re shooting for here.

A general note: I’d be careful with the use of game terms such as “zergling,” “hydralisk,” etc. If you use them all the time, the story gets a little monotonous. I suggest throwing in the occasional descriptive synonym, such as “spine-launching beast” for “hydralisk,” or just using words like “creature” or “alien.” Instead of “Zerg,” you can use “enemy,” “foe,” etc. Obviously, there will be times where the proper name works best, but I’d try to vary the story’s vocabulary a bit when you can.

A very small but vitally important part of the creatures under belly that held its massive heart.

“Underbelly” is one word, and “creatures” should be in the possessive form.

He turned his eyes down as a zergling came bounding over the sand bag wall.

Again, “sandbag” is one word. Additionally, if Athos is lying down behind the barrier, why did he look down to see the zergling?

The Zerg had arrived.

Given the preceding and following sentences, this sounds really out of place; this thought interrupts the flow of the action and should probably be moved or deleted.

He pulled the trigger as fast as he could at the advancing Zerg.

I think you need a phrase like “...pointing his rifle...” after “as fast as he could,” since he’s not pulling the trigger towards the enemy.

A hydralisk was closing in on Athos, its sadistic face twisted with hate and eagerness for the kill.

Again, this (“was closing in”) is in the passive voice. Change this if you want.

Athos pulled back into a cave and jammed the left behind clip into his gun.

I’d make this more apparent that this is the cave he threw the bullets into at the start. Also, it seems like you skipped a few frames there; I assume he had to find and pick up the magazine before he could load his weapon with it. This sort of thing comes up from time to time in your story: some actions are glossed over or assumed. While this isn’t bad all the time, if it’s used too much, it can make the story feel incomplete.

The Gauss Rife came alive as six bullets struck the hapless creature in his chest.

I think you mean “rifle.” A word of warning: things like spellcheck won’t catch all your mistakes, so don’t rely on it alone.

Athos waited behind the stinking carcass of the hydralisk for the first advance of Zerg to pass by his secret hiding place.

“The first advance of Zerg” sounds grammatically incorrect to me; did you mean “the first of the advancing Zerg”?

He had to move quick before the second “clean up crew” came behind him.

Since “quick” modifies a verb, not a noun, it should be in adverb form, or “quickly.”

He had to signal a drop ship.

Again, I’d try to find a phrase or word to use instead of “drop ship” every now and then.

If only his communicator worked.

This says that his communications unit doesn’t work. When did it break? This sort of assumption is something that some people don’t mind, but for me, it messes up the flow of your story; I read it and then checked back a few paragraphs to see if you detailed this, because I didn’t remember it happening.

He started to climb the rock formation.

Again, this seems to come out of nowhere, because you didn’t describe a “rock formation” when Athos was advancing to the front, or when he retreated.

He got to the top of the cliff, safety seemed moments away.

That should be a period or a semicolon, not a comma.

In summary, this looks original and interesting, and would be even better with some careful revisions and general edits. Good luck with your writing, and thanks for posting!

[Wombat-Slayer]

Thank you, thank you, thank you!


Wow- it was all so detailed. I don't think I can thank you enough.





As you said, the length is scary- even to me. I didn't know I could write that much. Usually my stories bomb out by the first or second chapter.

I'm going to delete the majority of it, and post my new and improved prolouge thing.

[Wombat-Slayer]

Well- I apparently don't know how to delete posts in this forum. Or if you can for that matter. I guess people will forever be scared of my stories length/ grammer mistakes. :(



Hmmm. I think I'll post my new and improved CHAPTER I!!!!



STARCRAFT: Ghost Hunter



CHAPTER I

“March, you bastards!” The commander shouted his orders over the sounds of war raging around them. A file of twelve marines took their places and marched in two lines towards what would probably be their deaths. Some fidgeted; others repeatedly checked and coked their guns. Athos Loosened the Kaiser machete from its sheath on his back. But he wasn’t the only veteran in line. The other veterans mainly stared forward, reliving their past experiences with the Zerg. One veteran flipped rapidly through a wallet, probably gazing what might be his last time upon his wife and children, safe and warm back home. Another veteran rubbed his good luck charm and hung it from his neck on the outside of his combat suit. A different veteran made a scratch on his left breast plate- probably a battle count. Athos could only sigh and hope for the best. He trusted luck, and his instinct to survive. Those were some of the only things left to him now.

Two hundred yards until the front lines.

Athos looked around at his surroundings, taking note of all the available hiding areas. Something all veterans knew- you can’t “run” from the Zerg. Athos had seen many men die with their backs turned to death.

The dark brown landscape of the unknown planet seemed to stretch forever even past the dense clouds of dust of the rampaging Zerg. It held a strange beauty though, and Athos found himself wishing he were at his very spot left alone in thought rather than marching to war. Athos turned his focus to the situation at hand. Hiding place; there had to be one somewhere. All around him were small cracks in the ground.

He spotted a crevice in the ground to the right which looked large enough, and threw a spare clip into the cave for later use. He had a sneaking suspicion he’d need it when the lines were overrun. Damn the general. So many men hopelessly lost in a futile attempt to combat the overwhelming Zerg. Athos saw it, the other veterans saw it, and the marines were learning; the army didn’t care as long as they were fighting.

“Why did you do that?” a voice asked from behind. Athos turned around to look at the questioner. As he had guessed- a new recruit. Always inquisitive.

“Do what?” Athos asked casually back.

”Throw a clip into that cave; it wont do you any good there you know.” The marine commented sarcastically.

“We won’t be doing any good here either.”

”That’s not true- the army wouldn’t send us against something we couldn’t conquer! I’m ready to kick Zerg ***, how about you?” The marine said enthusiastically.

Athos grunted. He seemed to be placed with the rookies a lot nowadays.

One hundred yards and closing.

Athos looked down at his gun for a final checkup. Everything seemed in order; the trigger was unstuck with rust, the handle properly wrapped with grip tape. He tapped the long spear head mounted as a bayonet under the barrel. It was still firm in place. ‘Amazing stuff that duct’ tape he thought.

The familiar roar of Gauss Rifles grew steadily in volume as the small battalion of marines slowly trudged towards the lines. He could hear the animalistic sounds of the Zerg, and here the carnage and human screams mixed with the patter of Zergling feet. The marines around him showed signs of their fear, and he couldn’t help but slightly shiver himself. With the Zerg, it wasn’t war, it was survival.

Athos had fought human enemies before, and even a few Protoss had crossed his path. But nothing ever fully prepared him for fighting the Zerg. They didn’t fight like intelligent beings, they fought like animals. The hacking and slashing of various mandibles and claws seemed to have no order to its indelicate style of butchery.

Ten yards.

Athos could almost make out the snake like forms of the hydralisks in the foreground; evidence of their carnage could be seen through the mangled bodies of marines bristling with poison barbs protruding from all parts of their combat suits. This was going to be a short fight.

A stray spike hit a marine in the face. The poor man fell backwards and went limp for a moment as in shock. Then, as blood suddenly spurted from his helmet, he desperately grasped the spike that had penetrated his helmet, and had imbedded itself in his face. Two other marines knelt down beside him and started to pick up their fallen comrade.

“Don’t worry about him boys… just watch out for yourselves; you’ll live longer by leaving the dead be.” The commander growled. The two soldiers that had kneeled down at the side of the stricken marine.

“But sir, he’s not dead!” One of the marines told the commander, looking up from their screaming comrade. The man had let go of the spike and was waving his arms wildly by this point.

“Not yet private, give the poison time to reach the brain. Then he’ll die.” The commander said grimly. Ironically the waving arms ceased almost as the commander had finished his sentence. “The soldiers paled in horrified surprise like a child seeing death for the first time. “Get back in line, scum!” the commander shouted at the two. Still stunned, they staggered to their places and entered their places in the march forward.”
Two yards.

They reached the front lines with only one casualty- a stroke of unusual luck Athos thought. Usually a group of marines was diminished by half before even reaching the lines.

“Alright, let’s kick some ***!” The commander yelled. The marines all jumped down to lie behind the bloodstained sandbags. Athos dived down with them, pointed his rifle forward, and pulled the trigger. A satisfying spurt of bullets burst forth from the barrel, and the familiar feeling of the gun kicking almost made him smile. The three shots hit their mark, a creature ten yards away, with stunning accuracy; one hydralisk breathed no more. The trigger clicked again and a foe fell dead in its tracks tripping the comrades behind him. A spike whizzed past Athos just missing his left arm. Things were beginning to get “fun”.

The enemy was almost upon the humans. He looked up into the sky and saw what he was looking for. Overlords. They were the key to the Zerg army that kept everything in check. If he could bring one down, the creatures advancing on him would be thrown into confusion. If Athos were really lucky, they’d turn on each other instead of devouring the front lines. He searched the slow moving beast over with his eyes looking for its weakest spot. He saw it. A very small but vitally important part of the creature’s underbelly that held its massive heart.

Athos pulled the trigger three times. Most of his shots missed, but two hit home and the creature let loose a cry of pain as it plummeted to the ground. Athos smiled. He still had it in him.

He turned his head to the ground to find a zergling come bounding over the sandbag wall. Athos's makeshift bayonet pierced the creature’s thick hide as it lunged onto him causing dark red blood to splash out and stain his face plate. He wrenched free his gun from the dying creature, and pretend-kissed his bayonet. He set his rifle on the ground, then wiping his face mask free of grime, he pulled his Kaiser machete from its sheath. Another zergling came screeching at Athos. The blade flew with swift and terrible accuracy, separating the creature’s head from its body. Another swift downward blow cleaved the skull of another zergling.

By this time, most of his company was either wounded, or dead. The commanders were shouting retreats, and soon he heard his own commander’s voice booming on the headset.

“Retreat now marines; get the hell out of there before you’re carved!” He heard Athos sheathed his soiled blade and gathered his gun from the bloodstained ground. He started to run backwards remembering and noting all the large rocks he could trip on. He pulled the trigger as fast as he could while pointing his weapon at various Zerg foes. Many of the beasts had stayed behind to devour the dead or wounded before the drones came to harvest them into the creep.

A hydralisk closed in on Athos, its sadistic face twisted with hate and eagerness for the kill. Athos pulled the trigger, but was greeted by an empty “click”.

Out of ammo the flashing red letters read on the side panel.

[Wombat-Slayer]

He ripped out the empty clip in frustration and threw it on the ground. He was almost there, if he could just outrun the hydralisk as little longer… Athos pulled back into his crevice and groped for his clip he had cleverly left behind. After finding it, he jammed the clip into his gun. He thanked his luck for the foresight he’d had earlier.

The hydralisk had seen him “disappear” and was as the crevice entrance seconds later to devour the human inside. It reached in a scythe-like claw, trying to hook him out. The Gauss rife came alive as six bullets struck the relentless creature in his chest. More blood on his suit.

Athos waited behind the stinking carcass of the hydralisk for the first of the advancing Zerg to pass by his secret hiding place. He’d have to move quickly before the second “clean up crew” came behind him. Pushing the body aside, and sprinted out of the cave. He had to signal a drop ship if there was to be any chance of surviving; a task made harder with his communicator smashed beyond repair. He cursing under his breath that he had probably broken the device when leaping into the crevice. A large rock formation caught his eye, as if sent by God, that he hadn’t seen before. He quickly climbed up.

He wanted to give up, to just die where he was, but his aching body forced him on. He got to the top of the rocks and waved his arms wildly. Safety was moments away.

A drop ship saw him, and flew down for the pick up. He climbed up the thin makeshift ladder that was thrown down. With the last of his strength, he threw his body into the drop ship.

“Where’s the rest of your company soldier?” He heard a voice ask him. Athos ignored the question and placed himself in the round metal chair. He gripped tightly to the support pole gasping for air. After wiping his Kaiser machete clean of blood, slumped exhausted in his chair.

He had survived the Zerg again.




AUTHORS NOTE: I do realize that yes; I did steal from Chimp a bit with the whole bayonet thing. Hell, I thought it was a good idea. And also, yes, it is a bit unrealistic that he brought down an Overlord, but Athos is an unrealistic character. Yes, I know, the title doesn't make any sense now... it will :)

[RevenantsKnight]

Here're some more thoughts on Chapter 2 of your story. All general suggestions I made previously on topics such as game terminology and passive voice still apply; I’ll highlight examples if I feel they need specific attention. Anyway, on to the comments!

“Gentlemen, we are all gathered here today for a common cause. To mourn for the dead.”

I’d use a colon instead of a period here, since the last sentence is actually a fragment and can’t stand alone. Also, why just “gentlemen” if there are female reporters present?

“The Zerg have taken lives, destroyed buildings, and crushed our defenses, but regardless, we are still here!” The commander said with a shout emphasizing the “we are still here”.

“...crushed our defenses” is not something any officer planning on inspiring others would say. I’d recommend deleting it, or changing it so it sounds less like they got massacred and Potter’s reveling in that fact. Also, “said with a shout” could be simplified to “shouted,” and “emphasizing” could be expressed with a better image such as “raising his voice as he reached ‘we are still here.’” Finally, that period at the end of the sentence goes inside the quotes, not outside.

More like a spoiled prince than a leader.

Nice comparison, but in what way did he resemble a “spoiled prince”? I’m sure it’s obvious to Athos, but as for me, there are a number of possibilities that came to my mind, with a number of them varying significantly from each other. As far as I know, he could issue completely asinine orders and expect them followed, he could do absolutely nothing, or he could be more concerned with his image and his position in the military than with his soldiers, etc.

It was still infected- obviously hydralisk poison didn’t easily succumb to the heavy medication he was on. If Athos had noticed when it struck, and drew back from the lines, he may have been able to prevent the infection.

In a literal sense, poison doesn’t “infect” something, since it’s not alive; that’s a verb used for pathogens. Additionally, “drew back from the lines” has “it” as a subject; this reads as if the something (presumably the hydralisk spine) drew back from the lines, not Athos. Finally, “infection” should be changed if this “poison” isn’t alive; something like “he may have been able to inject an antidote and slow the toxin” works better assuming this substance isn’t a living biological agent.

No more serving for a year. They thought they were doing a favor, Athos saw it as torture.

“Serving” is too general here; it took me a second read to be sure of what you meant. Finally, the comma after “favor” should be a semicolon or a period.

His mind droned off in this manner until he heard something from Potter that sparked his interest.

The words hit him like a brick in the face. He was dumbfounded.

The phrase “sparked his interest” doesn’t really work with this next sentence because it has connotations that don’t suggest total surprise. I’d see if you can’t come up with another phrase to describe the effect of Potter’s words breaking through his mental fog.

Obviously Potter was sucking up to his only survivor his original promised battalion.

Did you mean “...the only survivor in his...”?

All eyes were leveled on Athos.

This is in the passive voice. A rough equivalent in the active voice would be “All heads swiveled to face Athos.”

“What the hell is this?” He whispered into Potter’s ear.

“He” shouldn’t be capitalized.

Athos adjusted his tie and stepped forward to the microphone.

This wasn’t as much of a problem earlier, since he was in a Marine combat suit, but...what’s Athos look like? I’d recommend either spending some time in this chapter on this topic, or adding in little descriptions throughout the first couple chapters so the reader doesn’t use a generic mental image for your protagonist. For instance, when he’s listening to Potter, he could “rake his hand through his short brown hair,” or “let his broad shoulders slump in boredom.”

“I suppose you were looking for news of the battle? Maybe how bravely your marines fought?” Athos said into the microphone.

“Were” should probably be in the present tense, and I’d add edit the second sentence to read something like “Maybe some tales of how...” for clarity.

“Mr. Lespinchi, could you tell us about the Zerg?” A woman’s voice said clear over the murmur of the crowd.

“Clear” should be “clearly,” since it describes how she said what she did.

She had a fair complexion, a naturally black hair, and somewhat petite form.

The “a” before “naturally” is unnecessary, and in fact should be moved to just before “somewhat.”

“I don’t think you want to know about the Zerg Misses Allen.” He said softly into the microphone.

There should be a comma after “Zerg,” and “Misses” should be either “Miss” or “Missus” (probably “Miss,” since he doesn’t know if she’s married.)

“Who’s there?” He said rubbing his eyes.

“He” shouldn’t be capitalized, and there should be a comma after “said.” Watch out for more instances of this sort of thing, because they’re pretty common in this story.

He hobbled down the stairs and tried to look as resumed as possible.

I haven’t a clue what you meant by “resumed”; “to resume” means “to begin again” or “to occupy again,” and neither of these sounds reasonable in this context.

He walked over causally.

I think you meant “casually”; “causally” is the adverb form of an adjective meaning “of a cause or causes.”

“Why don’t you join the damn marine core yourself if your so curious-"

That should probably be “marine corps” if you mean it in the same sense as the branch of the US military. Also, “your” should be “you’re.”

“Do you still think this is about that stupid reporter crap?” She said fiercely in a low voice.

...That was sudden. While I do recognize that you intentionally made this fast to move the story along, there’s a point where the speed starts pushing the boundaries of believability. After all, I’d imagine that no intelligence agent would drop his or her cover identity as quickly as this, and in a relatively public location at that.


On it was inscribed PDA, Planetary Defense Agency.

Hrm...why is some “Planetary” organization really that important in Confederate politics, seeing as the Confederacy encompasses considerably more than this particular planet?...by the way, what planet is this on? If you need ideas, Chau Sara is the home base of Alpha Squadron, though Tarsonis might be more appropriate given its role as the Confederate capital and therefore the political heart of the empire.

This does indeed look interesting, but unfortunately time (and an Internet connection) aren't things I reliably have at the moment. I'll try to get back to your story some more, after addressing other posts. Good luck with your writing, and thanks for posting!

[Wombat-Slayer]

Thank you much, here's what I have now...

“Ladies, and gentlemen; we are all gathered here today for a common cause: to mourn our dead.” Commander Potter’s voice rang out in the auditorium. “The Zerg have taken lives, and cost us things we thought we couldn’t live without, but regardless, we are still here!” The commander said with a shout emphasizing the “we are still here”. At the commander’s words the whole audience shouted for joy at the top of their lungs. Athos sighed and rolled his eyes. Standing against a wall in the back, he had been listening through the whole speech. He shifted uncomfortable in his new suit; something he was “asked” to wear by his “new commander”. His red tie stood out brilliantly against his black tuxedo. How un-marine-like he looked. The comb in his right hand laxly attempted to comb straight his thick brown hair.

Potter’s voice droned on in the distance and slowly faded from Athos’s mind as he thought about what had happened three days ago. He subconsciously reached down and touched his left leg and winced. It was still infected- obviously hydralisk poison didn’t easily succumb to the heavy medication he was on. If Athos had noticed when the lethal spine struck, He could’ve drawn back from the lines sooner, and may have been able to slow the toxins.

To make things better, Athos was put on lay away for a year. No more fighting as a confederate marine for one year. They thought they were doing a favor; Athos saw it as torture. He couldn’t do much of anything besides shoot in life. At least it seemed better then dieing. He was thankful to be a survivor, but it brought about unwanted publicity. He’d have to stay away from his home for a while since it was probably swarmed with reporters. The only good thing coming out of his “break” was a full year’s pay and disability money from the confederacy.

Athos continued zoning out until he heard something from Potter that took him unawares.

“And now: Mr. Athos Lespinchi. Will you please be kind enough to attend the stand, sir?”

The words hit Athos like a brick in the face. He was dumbfounded. Obviously Potter was sucking up to his only survivor.
All eyes leveled to Athos as he managed a weak smile and hobbled down the aisle to the front podium. He only hoped his mouth didn’t betray him this time. He limped forward towards Potter.

“What the hell is this?” he whispered into Potter’s ear.

“Just say something about the battle- how courageous you were. Anything to promote the squadron!” Potter hissed back.

Athos adjusted his tie and stepped forward to the microphone.

“The battle was… long, and difficult. We lost some brave men, regardless of a poor commander.” Athos said into the microphone. His voice echoed awkwardly from the sound system. The crowd waited in silent anticipation; Potter turned bright red. The “commander” was Potter, himself.

Athos stepped away from the microphone and started to hobble away. He could hear Potter stuttering behind him, fuming with anger, but he was satisfied. He was almost off the stage when a voice from the crowd halted his walk of stage.

“Mr. Lespinchi, is it true you will be put on layaway for a year?” A woman’s voice said clearly over the murmur of the crowd. Athos stopped walking. He stood still a moment, then turned around and walked towards the stand again.

“In fact, that is true Miss… Miss…”

“Allen, Elizabeth Allen, reporter for the Sander’s Gazette.” The woman replied. Athos looked closely at her. She had a fair complexion, naturally black hair, and a somewhat petite form. But despite her beauty, Athos frowned. He continued. “I won’t be answering anything else at this time.” He said softly into the microphone. Athos turned around and didn’t face the stand again, nor did he take heed of Potter’s brilliant red face. He had enough of his “publicity”. He was tired of answering ignorant questions. But most of all, he needed sleep and a damn good meal.

----

Athos’s eyes slowly peeped open as light flooded into his dilated pupils. He strained to adjust to the light. Someone had walked into his hotel room.

“Who’s there?” Athos said rubbing his eyes as he reached towards the pistols in his desk on instinct.

“A Miss Allen to see you in the lobby sir. She asked that I wake you.” The hotel manager said as he closed the door. Athos heaved a great sigh. Some people wanted answers more than others.

Athos got up and pulled on his pants and shirt. Then over that, he put on a grey suit- without a tie this time. Then remembering that he was about to speak to a woman and decided to make an attempt to comb his hair slightly. He turned around and looked in the mirror on the hotel door. He could still look good at thirty seven.

He picked up the hotel card. Luckily he’d be home soon, and free of his publicity for a while. As much as he hated being taken out of the marines, he needed a break from war; a well earned break. He hobbled down the stairs and tried to look as best as possible. This would be a tough reporter to crack- he could tell already.

She was sitting at a small round table at the back of the lobby. He walked over casually. She had her head down looking through her purse, probably for a note pad Athos assumed. She was decked in a brown trench coat, and was wearing a small round-brimmed hat. Clearing his throat he approached. The searching stopped and two blue eyes peered up at him. She tipped her hat to show the rest of her face.

“Mr. Lespinchi. So good to see you again.” She said warmly. Fake warmth. She was a reporter after all.

“What do you want? I told you I’m not answering anything els-" her finger silenced him.

“Just listen a second; how about we go somewhere so we can talk… without disturbances.” Allen said in a slight undertone.

“What you don’t understand Miss Allen, is that I don’t really care about questions right now. What I care about is getting the hell off Tarsonis so I can get home.” Athos said raising his voice slightly. Elizabeth sighed and pulled him closer by the collar of his suit.

“Do you still think this is about that stupid reporter crap? The questions were to draw your attention to me!” She said fiercely in a low voice.

“Well, I did, right until you shushed my like that.” He answered, confused.

“I’m here on important business Mr. Lespinchi-” Athos cut her short.

“Athos; that’s my name so use it.” He scoffed.

“Right then, Athos. I’m here for an important errand if you don’t mind listening, I’d be thankful.” She said urgently. Athos peered down into her left coat pocket and saw a badge slightly hidden by the folds of cloth. On it was inscribed GDA, Galactic Defense Agency.

“Oh, I see. You’re from the GDA.” Athos said with a smile. She held her finger to her mouth again and gave a violent but quiet shush. Some spit hit Athos’s face.

“Do you want to give me away?” She scolded as she buried her badge deeper into her coat pocket.

Athos wryly smiled.

“You wouldn’t mind going somewhere so we could talk privately; do you?” She asked annoyed. Athos narrowed his eyes.

[RevenantsKnight]

The new draft of Chapter 1: this is better, to be sure. In general, it feels much less rushed, and draws a stronger image of what’s going on, so good job with that. There are still some specifics I pointed out in the last run that got missed; I’d advise taking another look at them, and if you think I’m wrong on something, let me know, ‘cause that’s entirely possible. The new additions are good, on the whole, but there’re still a number of slips, most of them involving commas. Anyway, here’re the new comments:

One veteran flipped rapidly through a wallet, probably gazing what might be his last time upon his wife and children, safe and warm back home. Another veteran rubbed his good luck charm and hung it from his neck on the outside of his combat suit. A different veteran made a scratch on his left breast plate- probably a battle count.

This is good in that it gets some specific images going, though I’d try to not use “veteran” in each sentence.

The dark brown landscape of the unknown planet seemed to stretch forever even past the dense clouds of dust of the rampaging Zerg.

There should be a comma after “forever”; in general, if you read a sentence to yourself, and you can identify points where its idea seems to shift, or if you pause at a particular spot, then you should probably add a comma.

Hiding place; there had to be one somewhere.

If this isn’t Athos thinking, then it should be a complete sentence (“hiding place” on its own isn’t a complete clause,) and if it is, then I’d set it apart from the narration with “he thought,” or italics, or something.

Athos saw it, the other veterans saw it, and the marines were learning; the army didn’t care as long as they were fighting.

“And the marines were learning” is unclear; what were they learning?

”Throw a clip into that cave; it wont do you any good there you know.” The marine commented sarcastically.

See previous general comment concerning capitalization after quotes. Also, “wont” should be “won’t.”

“I’m ready to kick Zerg ***, how about you?” The marine said enthusiastically.

Technically, the comma in the speech should be a period or semicolon, and same thing as above with the capitalization after quotes. I’d recommend checking over your story for this issue one more time.

Everything seemed in order; the trigger was unstuck with rust, the handle properly wrapped with grip tape.

I’d change “unstuck” to “not stuck,” because as it’s worded, it sounds like the rust is there and responsible for the trigger not sticking.

‘Amazing stuff that duct’ tape he thought.

You need a comma after “tape”, and the quotation mark should go after the comma, not “duct.”

The familiar roar of Gauss Rifles grew steadily in volume as the small battalion of marines slowly trudged towards the lines.

A battalion is usually at least 500 men...I’d suggest using a different word here.

He could hear the animalistic sounds of the Zerg, and here the carnage and human screams mixed with the patter of Zergling feet.

“Here” sounds wrong; did you mean “hear” or did you mistakenly leave this sentence incomplete?

They didn’t fight like intelligent beings, they fought like animals. The hacking and slashing of various mandibles and claws seemed to have no order to its indelicate style of butchery.

This is good.

Athos could almost make out the snake like forms of the hydralisks in the foreground; evidence of their carnage could be seen through the mangled bodies of marines bristling with poison barbs protruding from all parts of their combat suits.

“Snake-like” should be hyphenated, and I’d use “in” instead of “through.”

The poor man fell backwards and went limp for a moment as in shock.

I think you’re missing something there; it sounds like it should be “as if in shock” or something like that.

Then, as blood suddenly spurted from his helmet, he desperately grasped the spike that had penetrated his helmet, and had imbedded itself in his face.

“Had imbedded” should just read “embedded,” I think.

The two soldiers that had kneeled down at the side of the stricken marine.

Erm...this doesn’t sound complete to me. What’d the two soldiers do?

“Not yet private, give the poison time to reach the brain. Then he’ll die.” The commander said grimly.

The comma after “private” should be a semicolon or period.

“The soldiers paled in horrified surprise like a child seeing death for the first time. “Get back in line, scum!” the commander shouted at the two. Still stunned, they staggered to their places and entered their places in the march forward.”

What’s with the floating quotation marks at the start and end?


They reached the front lines with only one casualty- a stroke of unusual luck Athos thought.

You need a comma after “luck.”

A spike whizzed past Athos just missing his left arm.

You need a comma after “Athos.”

The enemy was almost upon the humans. He looked up into the sky and saw what he was looking for.

The way this is worded, it sounds like “the enemy” is looking up into the sky. I’d just use “Athos.”

They were the key to the Zerg army that kept everything in check.

This could use a revision; I’m not really sure what you’re trying to say. But it’s good that you’re explaining Athos’s thought processes a little.

If Athos were really lucky, they’d turn on each other instead of devouring the front lines.

I think that should be “was,” not “were”...though I could definitely be wrong.

He searched the slow moving beast over with his eyes looking for its weakest spot.

There should be a comma after “eyes.”

“Retreat now marines; get the hell out of there before you’re carved!” He heard Athos sheathed his soiled blade and gathered his gun from the bloodstained ground.

Are you missing a period after “heard”?

He started to run backwards remembering and noting all the large rocks he could trip on.

You need a comma after “backwards.”

Out of ammo the flashing red letters read on the side panel.

This is rather awkward and needs a revision. I’d change it to something like “The weapon’s side panel flashed the words ‘Out of ammo’ at him in red letters,” but there are a number of ways you could go about this.

He was almost there, if he could just outrun the hydralisk as little longer…

The comma after “there” should be a period or semicolon. If you can split a sentence into two, then the components can’t be separated by a comma.

He’d have to move quickly before the second “clean up crew” came behind him.

Erm...before they came behind Athos? I’m not sure what you’re trying to say...

Pushing the body aside, and sprinted out of the cave.

I think “and” there should be “he.”

He had to signal a drop ship if there was to be any chance of surviving; a task made harder with his communicator smashed beyond repair.

I’d rephrase that as “...if he was to have any chance of surviving...”

He cursing under his breath that he had probably broken the device when leaping into the crevice.

Needs work. I’d revise this to something like “He cursed under his breath, realizing that he had probably broken the device while leaping into the crevice.”

“Where’s the rest of your company soldier?” He heard a voice ask him.

You need a comma after “company.”

He gripped tightly to the support pole gasping for air.

There should be a comma after “pole.”

After wiping his Kaiser machete clean of blood, slumped exhausted in his chair.

You’re missing a “he” before “slumped.”

Keep at it, and thanks for posting!

[Elfstones]

Hey Reven why don't you just shut the hell up and let Wombat-Slayer write his story. Talk about being overly critical.

Go ahead Wombat, the story was very entertaining if you aren't the annul type and just enjoy!

[RevenantsKnight]

Hey Reven why don't you just shut the hell up and let Wombat-Slayer write his story.

Not happening, because he asked for the feedback. My comments are far from law; he can take 'em and do whatever he wants. I'm just saying what I think could use work, and if Wombat-Slayer thinks I'm being too critical, he can say that himself and I'll change my posts accordingly.

the story was very entertaining if you aren't the annul type

...by the way, that's "anal," not "annul." ;)

[Snowglare]

Elfstones:

Personal attacks will not be tolerated. You must treat your fellow posters with respect, whether you like what they post or not. There are better ways to express dissatisfaction than by telling someone to shut up. Find them.

[Elfstones]

Snowglare - a little authority usually goes to that persons head and they think too highly of themselves.

Yeah I know there were other words that could have been chosen, I chose not to use them. When a member of the forum, in my opinion, was acting overly pompous, harsh and potentially stifling the creativity of another members work, I felt the response should have been as such.

You could use a lesson is subtle diplomacy yourself, instead of the commanding "Find them".

Have a nice day all! :D

[Snowglare]

Yeah I know there were other words that could have been chosen, I chose not to use them. When a member of the forum, in my opinion, was acting overly pompous, harsh and potentially stifling the creativity of another members work, I felt the response should have been as such.When you make a claim like that, you have to back it up. That is, if you expect to be taken seriously. It's one thing to point out that a critic is being too harsh. It's another entirely to suggest that he stop giving critiques.

Where has RevenantsKnight misstepped in his criticism? Looking through it, it strikes me as nonthreatening, matronly, complimentary. It is also exhaustive. One could argue that a general suggestion to add more commas, with one or two examples, would be preferable to pointing out each individual instance. Alternately, one could argue that it's easier to fix problems if they're pointed out to you specifically. RevenantsKnight does both; wordy, but not at all harsh.

Throughout the critique, RevenantsKnight takes time to point out something good, or to offer general encouragement. "this is better, to be sure," "good job," "This is good in that it gets some specific images going," and so on, ending with "Keep at it, and thanks for posting!". Where does he discourage? What about the feedback he offered could stifle creativity? There are two main ingredients in an active writing forum: contributions and feedback. If no one writes, there's nothing to read. If no one offers feedback, writers become bored, feel unappreciated, and either post elsewhere or stop writing altogether. Worse, without substantial feedback, they may stagnate.

I'm sure you've gathered that I believe RevenantsKnight to be in the right in this situation. Wombat-Slayer posted a story. RevenantsKnight posted feedback, for which he was thanked by the author. I fail to see the problem with this cycle continuing. Can you point it out to me, without resorting to rude remarks? Try to remember that you're dealing with people, here, not just names on a screen.

[Myst_Lynx]

When you make a claim like that, you have to back it up. That is, if you expect to be taken seriously. It's one thing to point out that a critic is being too harsh. It's another entirely to suggest that he stop giving critiques.

Where has RevenantsKnight misstepped in his criticism? Looking through it, it strikes me as nonthreatening, matronly, complimentary. It is also exhaustive. One could argue that a general suggestion to add more commas, with one or two examples, would be preferable to pointing out each individual instance. Alternately, one could argue that it's easier to fix problems if they're pointed out to you specifically. RevenantsKnight does both; wordy, but not at all harsh.

Throughout the critique, RevenantsKnight takes time to point out something good, or to offer general encouragement. "this is better, to be sure," "good job," "This is good in that it gets some specific images going," and so on, ending with "Keep at it, and thanks for posting!". Where does he discourage? What about the feedback he offered could stifle creativity? There are two main ingredients in an active writing forum: contributions and feedback. If no one writes, there's nothing to read. If no one offers feedback, writers become bored, feel unappreciated, and either post elsewhere or stop writing altogether. Worse, without substantial feedback, they may stagnate.

I'm sure you've gathered that I believe RevenantsKnight to be in the right in this situation. Wombat-Slayer posted a story. RevenantsKnight posted feedback, for which he was thanked by the author. I fail to see the problem with this cycle continuing. Can you point it out to me, without resorting to rude remarks? Try to remember that you're dealing with people, here, not just names on a screen.

Remind me to never get into a war with you Snowglare. That just made my head spin...

Great story so far Wombat, can't wait to see more. Really dude, hurry up, I'm hurtin bad...

[Wombat-Slayer]

Well, nice to see everyone getting along...



I've done a lot of writing/ rewriting on this story. Check it out at TDL... I got it accepted :)



http://tdl.diabloii.net/

[Wombat-Slayer]

Also:


Revenants Knight is doing no such offensive thing. He's helped emensivley, and desearves gratitude (by me at least :))