Fake political articles

[Freemason]

Make up a fake political article. Keep it short, simple and outrageously absurd.


HIGH VOTER TURNOUT TO REQUIRE TWO DAY VOTING

Due to the high voter turnout expected this year, election officials in Flordia are asking that Republicans vote on November 2 and Democrats vote on November 3. The two day voting is to allow the voting officials the necessary time to assist the elderly in completely pushing the pin through the chad.

Election officials are worried that if they have to try to help all the elderly in this monumental task they cannot get everybody through the doors in one day.

[Dredd]

I'll give it a shot.

ANGRY VOTER THREATENS TO USURP CALIFORNINA

An amusing letter received by the AP Thursday threatens that the author will attempt to thwart all attempts by the electoral collage to grant its votes to either major presidental candidates George W. Bush or John Kerry.

"I will vote for myself 10,000,000 times on November 2nd," the letter states. "You n00bs cannot stop me. LOL, I will pwn California!"

Authorities, who have viewed the letter, have shown very little interest in investigating further, citing logistical impossibilities. "No single person could possibly vote for himself 10,000,000 times in a single day," stated one official. "The idea is absurd."

The letter was written in simple Arial font with a Windows-based word processor and signed "A.H".
______________________________

My god, these people have no idea who they're dealing with!

[rplusplus]

LOW VOTER TURNOUT CLINCHES PRESIDENTIAL WIN BY WRITE IN VOTE!!!

AP WIRE

In an unprecedented event, write in candidate Horace P. Throckmorton Jr. has won the Presidential Election by a landslide vote of 4 votes! Citing the fact that NBC decided to run a FRIENDS marathon on the same date and voters complete apathy with the voting process resulted in only 6 votes being placed out of 289,323,440 registered voters.

Asked why he and his family were 5 out of the 6 voters he replied

"We though we wuz applying for some of that free cheese the govment gives out each month".

The only other vote was from a expatriot living in Japan who goes by the name "Smurf". Smurf was unable to be reached for comment.


R++

[kernelpops]

AP October 31st, 2004

This just in, John Kerry has been identified as the vampire that has been terrorizing mid-town Manhattan. He is completely out of control and sucking the life out of every constituent that expresses a will to live.

Apparently the red sauce that his wife Theresa has supplied him has worn off and he is out for blood trying to stop his defeat.

We assume that Halloween is the only night that his keepers let him out in his original form to express his true desires. The new improved colored version released earlier this month must be a bye product of the sun screen used to protect Mr. Kerry from burning up in the Sun.

[Bakerking31]

"We at CBS just recieved more shocking memos"

"It appears that George W. Bush has instigated the draft, and in a surprising twist, anyone within the ages of 18 - 50 male or female is expected to be called up to be meat shields in the US planned invasion of China set to happen just after the election."

"Im Dan Rather for the Communist Brodcast System, have a good night"

[Dacar92]

The Vatican Invades United States!

The Pope led a beach landing of priests and high cardinals onto the beaches of North Carolina, New York, and California, the federal government said today. The beach landing coincided with an air assault the kind which has never been seen before. Nuns, with their habits flowing in the breeze, flew B2's and bombed water supplies, and power centers in the three states. So far, all non catholics in the three states have either perished or are in hiding from the New Crusades!

The Pope's spokespriest said that the priests and cardinals in North Carolina will move north towards Washington DC and the ones in NY will head south in a pincer movement designed to corner the federal forces. President Whatshisname said that the nation is safe, though, because the priests and cardinals have no bread with which to give communion.

[corax]

During an emergency broadcast this morning President George W. Bush Jr. has finally spoken true to his nation. Beginning his transmition with the proclamation "Yes American peoples I am an ...ASSHAT!!" according to sources he then proceeeded to bounce around the room on a sapcehopper (http://www.heavenonearthliverpool.co.uk/Hopper.jpg) , after which he announced he was demoting himself to World's greatest Asshat and proclaimed that a Mr A. Housewares is 1337 and should be made SUPREME DICTATOR FOR LIFE!!(including all those poseable joints)

[IDupedInMyPants]

George W. Bush wins second term.

Washington D.C. (Reuters) - George W. Bush garnered a majority of the votes cast and legitimately earned a second term in the White House.

[Bakerking31]

George W. Bush wins second term.

Washington D.C. (Reuters) - George W. Bush garnered a majority of the votes cast and legitimately earned a second term in the White House.


so you think theres gonna be a right wing consiprasy or something?

[DrunkPotHead]

Bush has higher IQ than Britney Spears!

Bush has beaten out Brtiney Spears in an IQ test. Both of the test-takers scored in the single-digits.

[Freemason]

so you think theres gonna be a right wing consiprasy or something?

Knock it of, this is supposed to be a break from normal political discourse.

Instead, make a fake article about the Right Wing Conspiracy and it's ultimate goal of the violent overthrow the the public library system.

[Bakerking31]

Knock it of, this is supposed to be a break from normal political discourse.

Instead, make a fake article about the Right Wing Conspiracy and it's ultimate goal of the violent overthrow the the public library system.

the point of a fake political article is supposed to be something that wouldnt likely happen, so i think that this would be more of a fake political article than his.




John Kerry wins his first term as president.

Washington D.C. (Reuters) -John Kerry garnered a majority of the votes cast and legitimately earned a second term in the White House.

[Ikeren]

I am putting in two. The first is a parody (sorry, but thanks Bakerking...). Oh, and they relate.

"We at CBS just recieved more shocking memos"

"It appears that George W. Bush has instigated the draft, and in a surprising twist, anyone under the age of 18 or over the age of 50, male or female, is expected to be called up to be meat shields in the US planned invasion of China set to happen just after the election."

"Im Dan Rather for the Communist Brodcast System, have a good night"


The United States, Uniting North America!

"In a shocking move, President Bush today decided he would unite all of North America under the despicable banner of the United States. He feels that his country has the divine right to do this. The war's expected duration is to be less then 45 minutes. Casulties are expected to be very heavy on both sides, due to the United States having an army primarly composed of little kids, teenagers, and elderly, however, still inflicting grave damage on the Canadians due to outnumbering them several hundred to one".

[DrunkCajun]

Rival Mascots Rumble in Bid for Rights to DC Team

Washington, DC--Throngs of people gathered on the National Mall today for an impromptu event after Alfred Smith and George Jolly, mascots for the two major parties, found themselves in a heated debate in a nearby bar. The former, normally clad in an elephant suit, demanded that Jolly, a donkey by day, back off his bid to become mascot for the as-of-yet unnamed Major League Baseball team headed for the DC area. Jolly, unwilling to back down, suggested the two have a duel to settle the dispute.

According to one witness, the two decided to meet at 3 pm on the National Mall in order to settle matters in front of the Capitol. After drinking heavily and donning their costumes, the two made their respective ways down to the site, Smith driving (the witness couldn't attest to his sobriety, and DC Metro police officials had no comment about the potential DUI--the car was towed from its illegal parking spot on Constitution Avenue, however), and Jolly suffering the warm afternoon in a fuzzy donkey costume on foot. A passerby later commented that he was heard muttering about how he couldn't afford a cab and his keys were stuck under the costume.

Upon arrival at the site, the two found that a crowd of several hundred had gathered, many carrying campaign signs for Bush or Kerry, and one particular individual playing a guitar while screaming that Nader be allowed in too. The infamous blogger known as the Washingtonienne had posted information about the fight on her site and many took the cue to show up.

Before the melee began between the combatants, both collapsed unconscious in the center of the circle, landing tangled on top of one another, prompting factions of the crowd to argue over who hit the ground first and thus who was the rightful winner.

As of the publication of this article, the OTF Post has not had its calls to MLB returned, and was unable to get more than disgust out of officials in the Mayor's office.

[Ash Housewares]

Bush Named Director of National Guard

Following his sudden drop from the Presidencial race due to the amazing charisma and indefeatability of sensational wonderman John Kerry, George W. Bush has taken up the position of Director of the National Guard. The National Guard cited President Bush's good conduct and model record, as well as high public opinion of his service as a member of the National Guard and the hope to "further public appreciation of the service of the National Guard" in the decision to select President Bush for the position.

THERE, AM I LAYIN IT ON THICK ENOUGH FOR YA!?!!

[Freemason]

I nominate DrunkCajun for the OTF Pulitzer Prize!

Please tell me that was a fake story
Please tell me that was a fake story
Please tell me that was a fake story

It sounds too close to something that could happen

[DrunkCajun]

Please tell me that was a fake story
It sounds too close to something that could happen

:lol: It was fake, but yeah, I could see it happening too. There was a section in the WashPost Express (free rag they hand out on the metro here) of people's opinions on what to call the team, I just threw in the election and alcohol to spice it up a bit.

[IDupedInMyPants]

so you think theres gonna be a right wing consiprasy or something?

It was just a little zinger, man. I don't think the idea of Bush failing to gain a majority of votes is very far out there, since it, you know, happened.

[DemBonez]

John Kerry wins his first term as president.

Washington D.C. (Reuters) -John Kerry garnered a majority of the votes cast and legitimately earned a second term in the White House.

What a story. Kerry wins first term which legitimately earned him a second term. Score!


BCS has ultimate decision over '04 presidency

Thursday, September 30, 2004 Posted: 8:06 PM EDT

Washington -- Often criticized for allowing a false championship game in collegic football, the BCS will now have full control over this years election. Still unclear is how a computer will decide the president, the inventors of the system have provided the public with a simple formula. BCS Rank = {[#votes / (population * .3765)] * cos(state longitude) - loses} / StrengthOfSchedule. Recent events have caused both Bush and Kerry to take losses in this weeks rankings, as both of their strength of schedules were in the upper 2's, while populist favorite Notre Dame scored in the upper 4's. Notre Dame has a slight lead over both Bush and Kerry, but it would take a miracle for them to win. 2 Road games against New Hampshire and Florida have many penciling them in for losses.

[Steel_Avatar]

Hillary Goes to Washington?

Thursday, September 35, 2006

New York, New York

At a press conference today, Senator Clinton made the surprising announcement that she intended to be the Democratic presidential candidate in 2008. Mrs. Clinton called the conference after recently returning from her honeymoon, where it is believed that her new husband helped convince the uncertain senator that running for president was a good step, both for herself and the nation.

When questioned, Mr. Freemason angrily denied the speculations, stating that: "Hillary and I avoided politics during the past few weeks. We were on our honeymoon!"

[rplusplus]

:lol: LMAO :lol:

I vote for Steel_Avatar in all her slutty glory! :clap:

R++

[Steel_Avatar]

*bows*

I just that Smeggy gets around to reading it :p

[rplusplus]

*bows*

I just that Smeggy gets around to reading it :p

I could just see him waking up after a bender and seeing that lying next to him in a cheap hotel off the Vegas Strip.

R++

[mattksa]

Presidential Election cancelled due to low Neilson Ratings
(AP) Washington- Due to low ratings, the presidential election has been cancelled. Executives of the big three networks and cable TV have unanimously decided to cancel the election after coverage recieved only a .0002% share of viewing in select households. One executive is quoted as saying, "I know elections are part of our heritage, but this election in particular has stagnated. People are tired of the same plot over and over again. We thought after 2000, people had regained interest in politics, and unfortunately, we were wrong." Both candidates have expressed dissapointment with this recent development. This development dealt the biggest blow for NBC, who had invested millions of dollars creating "Who wants to be Secratary of State". All networks have decided to replace the election with increased coverege on the Scott Peterson trial.

[Freemason]

I could just see him waking up after a bender and seeing that lying next to him in a cheap hotel off the Vegas Strip.

FOX NEWS ALERT

In an not unexpected move, a three block area around a cheap hotel in Las Vegas has been destroyed by a large explosion. It is not known for sure who caused the explosion but newlyweds Freemason and Sen. Clinton were known to be in the area. Alcohol was undoubtably involved.

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